Sunday, November 7, 2010

WHAT IF


Have you ever thought or said "What If?" If you are a normal person like me ..... wait a minute ..... I'm not really that normal so maybe you have never said "what if" .... buuuut.... What if you did? ....ha ha

OK so I'm one of those people who always wonders about the "what ifs" even from the time I was a young child I wondered stuff like what if you could make a house out of chocolate, and every time you ate a piece it would just grow back?
or what if I could fly?
what if my parents never had gotten divorced?
what if there was no such thing as color?
what if there was an actual money tree in my yard?

as a teenager I might of thought
what if the cutest guy in school asked me out?
what if I was the fastest runner in the world?
what if I never get married?
what if I never can have children?
What if I die and find out the life I chose was a huge mistake?
what if I have no purpose?
and yes, what if there was an actual money tree in my yard?

as a young mother I worried more about these
what if I lost a child?
what if I am not a good enough mother?
what if my children are bad teens?
what if I had never confronted my dad?
and I still wondered what if I had an actual money tree in my yard?

Now my what ifs are a bit different. I am no longer worried about who I am and what kind of mother I am, I know I've made mistakes and I embrace those mistakes and hopefully have taught my children it's OK to say "I'm sorry" and what NOT to do as a parent, hopefully they will be better than I was.

I do stare into the stars at times and wonder when will be my time to go home, I no longer worry about what my purpose is., but instead hope I am fulfilling my purpose in life. I know as I walk along this short path of life, there is a torch being held to lighten my way, and even in the darkest of situations there is always a light being held out for me to follow.

I do sometimes wonder what if I had dealt with my parents differently, I still wonder what if my mother picked up the phone and called me today, but at least now I realize LOVE will take control, the Lord will work that out, this life is not where that is going to happen.

I have wondered what if I had kept up with my mammograms like I was supposed to? then I realize how much I have learned through my journey with cancer and know all things happen for a reason. I am still learning what those reason are, but I know I am a better person now then I was before the VILLAIN invaded my body.

I say everyday what if I'm not giving enough, what if I did a little better and served more? I want to make a difference, I want to dedicate more time to helping others. Some WHAT IF'S I thought as a child, were no more than a fantasy or curiosity. Some WHAT IFS we have no control over, all we can do is be the best we can be. The WHAT IFS we can control, those are the ones we have responsibility to make come true, instead of saying WHAT IF, we say WHY NOT, why not do that... and start with today.

Oh and about that money tree, I am happy without it, it was a fantasy, I now know I had what I needed all along FAMILY.

5 comments:

nicole said...

such a cute blog!

Willi Nixon said...

It's comforting to know that the what if's will eventually go away. You are amazing Monya, I learn so much reading your blog :) love you!

Trystan said...

I used to think...what if, I never find anybody that truly understands and guess what? I don't have to worry about that anymore! I love you, Monya!

Anonymous said...

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Once again, this is perfect for what I needed to hear today. No really...
Thank you. Love you

Jen