Have Courage and Be Kind

What an unbelievable week I've enjoyed.  I was asked by Renee Olson (Chief Leadership Officer for Nerium International), to speak at Nerium's semi annual national convention.  It was held at the SAP center in San Jose, a sold out crowd with thousands of people. I was hesitant in actually following through with this great honor.  I am so transparent in so much of what I do, but often do not allow other's to see the delicate, emotional roller coaster I've endured. The ache's have been real for me. The weight of this responsibility became so heavy, knowing my face would be on huge jumbo screens for all to see,  gave me tremendous anxiety. This past year there have been times I've just wanted to hide. Hearing the reality of an innocent child ask their parent "mom, what's wrong with that ladies face?" has been difficult to process, usually I reply before the mother or father has a chance "I just have a boo boo" the parents usually apologize and walk off, saying they are sorry.  That is my reality, that has been my life for a year now.  I realize no one can truly understand what I am feeling, so I usually just say "I'm fine"  when truly my heart is weak, struggling to be brave and strong. Just when I've started to heal and feel like life is taking a turn, another trial comes.  I was so amazed while I poured out all my feelings, I felt loved. I prayed for the right words to say. I felt this peace come over me before I went out on stage.  I really opened up and let Him guide me.  I could not read my notes, I resisted putting on my glasses to read them, I had to condense 5 and a half years into 10 minutes--I knew there was no way I could convey all the emotions we've lived through in that amount of time. I decided before I went out, I would meet Him where he needed me to be and that maybe in someway this would bring me full circle and heal my insecurities.  This experience helped me to be one step closer to being whole again.  I prayed that whatever I said would touch at least one person and help them to understand that at times we all feel broken in some way or another, but not giving up is the secret power we all have inside of us. We all want to feel valued and important, I've learned this through living it personally.

For those who have followed my blog, I don't really talk much about Nerium because I didn't want my blog to turn into a platform for advertising.  This is a sacred place where I go to get away from the world, I am alone and listen to uplifting music when I write.  I've always wanted this to be an authentic reality of who I am.  This is a place my children will be able to go long after I am gone to laugh, cry and remember who their mom was.  With that being said, I do have to add I know without a doubt Heavenly Father led me to this incredible company.  I was not looking for anything,  still involved heavily in health issues.  The confirmation I felt when I said yes to Nerium was so overwhelming at the time I didn't know why. Now I do, within a few months of joining with my friends, my facial paralysis happened.  If it was not for the self development I've gained from living in the culture of the Nerium Family, I don't think I could have made it through this past year.  I highly recommend to anyone READ THE SLIGHT EDGE by Jeff Olson.  It has nothing to do with Nerium, it has to do with a philosophy of life.  Even through my breast cancer journey, losing my hair, my uterus and both breasts I still felt I was ok. My perspective on life has changed, I learned that nothing in life is worth anger, hate or malice.  Seeing the world through different eyes lightened my heart and soul.

The Villain had taken from me everything that the world defines as "feminine" it was difficult to process, and I relied on the Lord to get me through it. However, when the facial paralysis came and a doctor said to me "Your face will never be the same again" those words penetrated deep into my mind.  I cried, my husband cried for me.  I was depressed and sad, I took so much of it out on my family, and never wanted to be seen in public again.  It has been a slow process and one that I cannot say I have fully conquered, but I can honestly say without hesitation no where, except for my church congregation and family, have I felt true unconditional love, like I have with the Nerium family.  Jeff Olson has taught me true happiness begins from the inside and manifests itself to others when you are genuine with thoughts and feelings of yourself. Success is not a car, or a home.  So many people think "well when I lose weight, or I get a new job, or I blah blah blah......I will be happy"  Nothing can be further from he truth, being authentic and happy with yourself under any circumstance is what success is, it's what attracts people to you and it is what helped me to live through this year.  Be patient with me I'm still under construction.

Speaking in front of a sold out stadium--ummm..kinda overwhelming
I had to lean on the spirit and speak from the heart.

Nerium and CEO Jeff Olson know how to throw a
white party--so much fun

It's was badge of courage and bravery for me to expose myself to such a large group of people.  Over the past few weeks as I traced the steps of where I've been,  it was overwhelming even to myself to process my journey.  I have wrestled with shame and discouragement, feeling as if I have let people down.  I've wondered at times if my own children are disappointed in me. This life changing alteration in my life has really brought me to my knees.  Starting anything is always hard, a diet, an exercise program, a new job and even a new life.  Trusting in myself to fight through this last year has been empowering. It's been worth the sorrow and pain I've felt and feel.  As I give up my pride and begin to give in to the fact, this is the life I am intended to live, I'm beginning to believe I can move mountains. I have felt the changes inside of me. I'm beginning to realize I'm me because of where I've been and the experiences I've enjoyed and endured.

When Sheldon died, I wanted to give in and give up, now I see the Lord has been waiting for me to do my part.  To fulfill a promise. I'm finally beginning to understand I don't need all the answers right now. It's never too late to start all over on a path that will move you forward.  Step up to the starting line and run, run as fast as you can, tomorrow may not come. This is the time to love others, share a kind word and be true to yourself you will find the strength to pull yourself out of any situation.  There are days when I have to remind myself of who I am, convince myself once again I have the power within me to be happy. True happiness cannot be given to you, it cannot be bought and it certainly cannot be faked.  When you are completely happy, you live with no regrets, you are at peace with who you are and most of all your spirit illuminates and becomes contagiously beautiful.

Tonight, Eric and I went to see the new version of the animated Disney movie Cinderella. As I watched I was engulfed in the story, so many paralye's to my own life. It  gave me a picture of the unparalleled beauty of courage and kindness in the face of humiliation, suffering, and shame.  I watched thinking sure, Cinderella looks stunning. But it’s not her ball gown or glass slippers that first catch the Prince’s eye.  It’s her inner beauty that captures his attention—her courage and her kindness.  Kindness isn’t weakness; it’s strength. Submission isn’t pitiful; it’s beautiful and courageous.  We all have the power within ourselves to make our lives happy, it is a CHOICE.

Dump It

 I've been able to keep my mind pre-occupied the past couple of weeks.  Instead of worrying about the surgery I have coming up tomorrow, I've earned an Ipad-and a Lexus car bonus.  Pretty cool huh?  Yeah, it's cool but the best part of it is not the Ipad or the Lexus; it's the confidence and self worth I've developed.  

I've been in situations where I feel like everything is against me. I know so many of us a go through times in life when it seems that we are out of options and don't know which way to turn. I try to remember, anytime I don't see a way out, that God will make a  clear and precise way through it. I try to find confidence in Him, over and over again remembering He has made promises.  I've accepted the fact he is not going to take it away, so there really is no way out; but merely a way through.

I've been studying different stories in the bible about people who felt there was no hope, but by having faith in Him found out differently.
 In Genesis, there was a time when the children of Israel were led by Moses out of slavery and headed to the Promised Land. They didn't get very far before they were chased by their enemies who wanted to enslave them once again. They finally found themselves at the edge of the Red Sea, and it looked like there was no hope—but God! They cried to the Lord, and in Exodus 14:13 Moses said, "Fear not; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today." Then Moses stretched out his hand, and the Lord caused a great wind to part the water so that the people could move forward on dry land. But that's not all! When the enemy army tried to cross the sea behind them, the water enveloped them and destroyed them. The Israelites were finally free once and for all.

I serve a Heavenly Father who wants to be the hero of my story! He is a God of miracles! He loves to show Himself strong on behalf of the people who seek after Him.  I keep standing, I keep believing because I know Heavenly Father will move me through that difficult situation so I can take hold and believe in miracles again. It's not always easy to do, after all I am human.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14:14)

It says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You have been chosen by God Himself.”  There have been times when I've felt left out. I've felt people have overlooked me. But now I always remember, the One who matters most chooses me. I was not randomly chosen. God, on purpose, looked at me and said, “I choose her.  She's my daughter. That’s who I want on My team.”

In my youth I was told “You’re just too tall, or too skinny” But God said, “You’re just the right size for Me.” I have felt or been made to feel “You’re not talented. We don’t need you. You don’t have anything to offer.” But each time Heavenly Father said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are creative. You are anointed. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are amazing.” This has taken me a life time to understand.  Those aches were real, but tracing back over those steps I can see the hand of God in my life.  I'm not sure why we hold on to the past so tightly, but today I was able to dump it. Driving home from the Mayo Clinic, feeling a little sorry for myself I pulled into the Land Fill (weird never been there before--it stinks)  I parked poured my heart out to the Lord and left it.

Dumped my fears today....

Looks like a lot of people dump here.

I know so many who have gone through more than their share of unfair situations. But here’s what I’ve learned. Even though life is not fair, God is fair. If we will not go around thinking there is something wrong with us, but instead start seeing ourselves as handpicked by God — valuable, lovable, with something great to offer — then Heavenly Father  said He will pay us back double. That means He’ll make the rest of our life twice as good as it would have been if that situation had never even happened.

It's time for me to dig my heels in. Not allow what somebody did or didn’t do steal my destiny and cause me to go through life feeling not good enough, not talented, not attractive. No, it's time for me to realize I am a child of  God. My value doesn’t come from people or accomplishments; it comes from  Him.  I need to put my shoulders back. Hold my head up high. Live with confidence. God said He will take what was meant for harm and use it for my advantage. 

I'm trying to keep this attitude of faith, praying Heavenly Father  will always give me the last laugh. I believe he's trying so hard to get me where I'm supposed to be.  I may never run that marathon I've dreamed of but  God has something else for me to do. Heavenly Father has opened doors for me.  A year ago I thought I was on a road of recovery, a full healing.  I soon found out the Lord had another mission for me to  full fill.  I believe with all my heart, Heavenly Father brought Nerium International into my life for a new journey, a new peace.  In the beginning of this post I talked about an Ipad and earning a Lexus.  Those are stepping stones, those actually monetarily mean nothing to me, the person I am becoming is so much bigger than any monetary means. What I know about this company is they are going to grow and flourish with or without me.  Heavenly Father knows me, He knew I would need something to build me up. Because my Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knew I would have a hard time looking in the mirror and liking who I saw staring back. Yes, some of you may wonder Why a beauty industry?  Believe me I too have thought "How can I represent a company who endorses anti aging? Isn't that being a little vain?" It's taken me a while to wrap my head around that one, feeling insecure in my own skin and surrounding.  Why would the Lord want to engage me down this road? I felt absolute peace when I chose to represent Nerium, of course that was before the facial paralysis. I now know why. 

I'm a partner in a company who's CEO Jeff Olson has taught me reading 30 minutes a day from a good book is much better than anything on TV or the news stand.  Giving 10% of my earnings to a church or foundation is the only way to succeed in life, and finally true happiness is something acquired when we come to love ourselves from the inside out. His leadership management have also taught me to be inclusive.  Dennis Windsor is a partner with Jeff Olson, but also a true man of God.  When I've had the opportunity to see him, he takes me aside and prays over me with sincerity. Mark and Tammy Smith also a multi millionaire couple with every reason to pass up the little guy or look above or over the homeless man, had a long line of people waiting to take pictures with them Mark saw me walking by came to me took my hand and led me back to his dear wife to ask about my life.  The lines of people didn't matter to them at that moment. I mattered, they wanted to know how I was doing.  I'm beginning to see my passion for life return, the idea of helping others achieve things in their life they never thought possible, makes me smile.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life right now.

I accept the fact that friends, people even family may reject me, but God accepts me. He’s already chosen me for this journey, and He’s the One that matters most. He has a way of working everything out for my good! And it’s always better than I could have ever imagined!

I Am

The past couple of months have been a mix of emotions.  I am so excited for our new grandbaby to arrive in February.  Kaitlyn is so cute pregnant, and I love watching Brian transitioning from husband mode to the responsibility of becoming a father.  They are going to be fantastic parents.

I've decided Cleveland Clinic is a great facility, but not for me.  It's too difficult to be away from my family.  After the last surgery I had in December, I have not heard back from them.  This, makes me nervous.  We have been told several times when working with a nerve there is a small window of opportunity to work with.  After discussing my feelings with Heather and doctor Barr's, we decided to get me in with a fantastic doctor at Mayo Clinic.  He is employed by Rochester Mayo Clinic, but resides here in Arizona.  He works at the Maricopa County hospital and also does surgeries at Mayo Clinic in Arizona, seeing nerve and trauma patients every Wednesday and Fridays.  I was blessed to get an appointment with him.

I will be having another surgery on February 6th.  I feel really good about the procedure he is going to perform.  This first surgery will be a nerve graft, I will be finding out more about the details when I see him next week.  Then in a few months, there will be a much longer, more risk surgery. I will be spending at least a week in the ICU.  I am at peace with our decision.  I know I am going to be questioned about why I am going through with these surgeries.  I already have been told by several people, if the doctor wants to do anymore surgery I should tell them no.  It was suggested I should just be happy with how I look and move forward.

I have contemplated and pondered that bold statement for over a month now.  I am not a quitter, I am strong, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my smile back.  Vain? I don't think so, I fighting against a time frame to work with this nerve. I know myself well enough to know if I don't try and that window closes, I will have regrets.  I choose to leave this life with no regrets.  Once I am told there is nothing more they can do, I will let go but until that time, this is what I think is best.

I want to point out I was told only 2% of people have a nerve die for no reason. This is not caused by a stroke or bell's palsy, most of those patients have full  restoration of facial paralysis.  My nerve is dead, it is not coming back to life, not with therapy, not with standing in front of the mirror everyday begging facial muscles to move.  There is no comfort I get knowing I need to live with this.  There are no support groups.  I have felt alone and disconnected from my family and friends.  I have shed more tears over this than I ever did over my diagnosis with cancer.  I will not apologize to anyone for how I feel.  I would hope people would be considerate of the decisions I have to make, they are difficult.

Most of us, including me have this conception of ourselves.  None of us want to think we are concerned with the look of our face.  I am here to tell you, unless you have been through this, a part of that 2% you do not know how you would handle it.  This has really messed with my head, and made me doubt myself in so many ways.  I'm trying so hard to be patient, to remember when I felt like most of you.  The fact is, I am part of that 2% and I do have to deal with it.  This may take years for me to feel comfortable.  So many people have asked me why I am involved with Nerium International.  It has been a year now since I made that decision.  Before the paralysis, I felt like I needed to get out of the cancer world and instead of always thinking about my next doctor appointment, get reconnected with friends.  One of the best decisions  of my life was to become a partner with Nerium.  Little did I know my life would be so richly blessed with self development.  I know without a doubt the Lord was watching me.  He knew what this facial paralysis would do to me. I have learned to love myself on a level completely different than I ever imagined I could.  I truly believe happiness comes from within, it is a process of finding yourself.  I am in that process now.  I have friends who don't know anything about my cancer journey, who didn't know me before the facial paralysis, they have helped me along this road of self awareness.  My friends who have known me for years and seen me through so much, will forever be embedded on my heart, I love them eternally.

I believe I have nothing to offer Nerium International, the company will grow and flourish with or without me, but I need  to flourish and grow right now. I feel a part of something, something wonderful.  The philosophy of the company I already believed in, the integrity and loyalty I feel is something I have wanted to be a part of my entire life.  This is so much more than about money for me. I have a chance to really make a difference in not only my life but to help others do the same.  Right now this is where I need to be.  I have constantly relied on the Lord for 5 years to guide me in the correct decisions.  I am not going to turn my back on the feelings I have now.  I know He is with me, He is blessing me along this journey.  I am continually telling myself I am beautiful, I am a daughter of God, I am an influence, I am important, I am going to survive, I am choosing the right.

Botox....seriously?

Yesterday I was at work sitting at my desk, a girl walked up to me and said in a whisper "where did you get your botox done on your forehead" I whispered back with a shhh and finger over my crooked mouth "are you kidding me? I don't have botox she said "then why doesn't your eyebrow move?" "Umm, because I have partial facial paralysis" she then said "Oh you were gone for awhile and I just assumed when I saw you that you must of had some  botox, or plastic surgery done" again I'm laughing inside, but I replied as I took of my reading glasses "look at me, I mean really look at me, does it look like I had plastic surgery? If this is the result of plastic surgery I got ripped off and jipped out"

Wednesday I had an appointment with Dr. Barr's at Mayo Clinic.  I was a little anxious to see him, and to see what his reaction to me would be.  I love him, and was worried he would be upset with me for going to Cleveland Clinic.  I couldn't of been more wrong, he came in with his big smile, arms out reached for a hug and said "as I live and breath, who is this beautiful patient?" Pleased as I could be I jumped up and hugged him back.  I told him I felt like I was HOME at Mayo Clinic, not that there was really anything I didn't like about Cleveland Clinic, but there is a reason Mayo comes in #1 every year with ratings from patients, and medical statistics.  I told him Dr. Haberkamp was great to work with, and that me leaving had nothing to do with him, it was more about the procedure the other doctor proposed at Mayo.  I was just jabbering, he shook his head and said "I was never upset or took it personal" even if that was not really how he felt, he was classy enough to make me believe him. He sat down on the chair in front of me and wanted to hear the whole Cleveland Clinic experience.  I also told him Dr. Haberkamp said he wanted us to tell Dr. Barr's his work on my ear was impeccable.
He examined my ear, and said everything looks good, but we will need to have MRI's a couple times a year on the head. Kathleen came in to visit with me, she is beautiful inside and out, and was so concerned about me, she embraced me as she left the examining room and said "I love you"

  My eye is still the biggest concern now, he agrees but I'm doing all I've been asked to do.  Cleveland Clinic is calling to schedule the next surgery, I told Erin (gastman's PA) I can't think about that right now.  That chapter needs to end, ironically enough I think it's just the beginning of the end.  This is so hard.

Today, Friday I had the privilege of seeing my oncologist Dr. Donald Northfelt.  I think for most cancer patients this is a bitter/sweet appointment to have.  I started to fret and worry last night, my mind has been so pre-occupied lately with all that has happened, I have not let my  brain think of today.  No panic attacks getting off the 3rd floor elevator today, that's progress. Maryann came in to see me, greeted me with a huge hug, we both had tears.  She is incredibly insightful, when I was in Cleveland she said a prayer with me over the phone.  We visited awhile, it felt warm and loving to be with "my" people again--I know both Mayo Clinic campus's like the back of my hand, but today being back was a feeling of reunion, rather than burden.  Anxiously waiting to see Dr. Northfelt, I am so grateful I listened to the spirit when I was led to him for my oncologist, I love him.  He went over my blood work and said it looks good right now.  For me, for right now, as in today, this is who I needed to see. Dr. Northfelt promised to be with me the entire journey and so far, he has, he gets it. Once he was done with his report and examination, he sat down looked at me, no words needed to be said, I could tell by looking in his eye's he could feel my burden was heavy. We talked a bit about the past few months, but didn't hover...we moved on to happier thoughts.  I told him about working with Nerium and how positive the atmosphere is for me.  I also explained to him about the Live Happy Movement trying to get more happiness in the world by spreading my own happy thoughts with others hoping they will also spread the word to BE HAPPY no matter what the circumstance. We had a great visit, I will never be able to articulate the feelings I have of HOPE just because he is who he is, not only a wonderful doctor but knowing he deals with people like me everyday, I always feel like I am his only patient, and that he loves me.

Scars are tattoos with better stories

My hair has been falling out in chunks, more and more everyday.  I made the decision to call Jenny
Boyton, she or her sister have been styling my hair for over 15 years.  Kara Ellingson, Jenny's sister cut my hair the 1st time, while I was going through chemo treatment. It was a tearful difficult thing to do.
 Today there were no tears, I'm grateful for the knowledge I have that my hair does not define who I am, where I am going and who I want to be.

And what about those dang scars, well they each have a story, and with those scars they give me a constant reminder of the road I have traveled, I'm moving forward. I wish I could get my smile back, and maybe I will, Dr. Haberkamp said possibly 30% which is much better than 0%.  Miracles happen everyday, and with a positive mental attitude, continuing to tell my lip to smile, or my eyebrow to move everyday it'll happen. I told that today to a random person who was asking me about my scar, her response was "I'm sorry dear, but I work with doctors all the time and if your doctor told you 30% improvement he was not wanting to hurt your feelings" I felt like saying "You mean he didn't want to hurt me like you just did?" Instead I handed her one of my Live Happy Magazines and said good-bye. She was a coo coo, as Jeff Olson says.

 Taking chances and staying strong and positive is what get me through days and helps me to embrace that day as one day closer to healing and not necessarily a physical healing, but I'm talking more about an inner healing of my soul and being happy with who I am.  I will endure 3 more surgeries within the year--something that most of you who read my blog know I said I will never do again.  Each time, I think "what if it does work this time, what example am I being to my children and grandchildren if I just give up? It's like giving up on them" Tonight I snuggled with Recker on my bed, every once in a while he would want to take a look at my scars on my ear, neck and head but the ones he loves to stare at are the ones on my ankle where they took the nerves to replace the dead one in my face.  I love to watch him when he does this, I always wonder what is he thinking?

 I've learned that the life I had planned  for myself may not be exactly what I expected, but I feel blessed that I have learned from this journey.  There have been times when I didn't want to get up and go, I had so much pain and fear of taking those steps forward.  I have  sleepless nights, where I pray He will just take it all away, but He never does. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a hard head and need to learn even more, or I haven't been listening, I mean listening with my heart not my ears....although sometimes that happens too.  ha ha

 So my smile is crooked and may never heal much more than it has.....let's just say that is true.....I am still extremely blessed with a happy life, a life that sometimes I don't understand but I would not change it for one dang minute.  My love for my family, for friends old and new have brought me finally to a place where I believe in myself, I believe in my self worth, I will not fall, or fail in a world that is so weak at times, I feel like I have to be strong.  We are living in a world with so many people who
"will not, or say I can't"  and what I mean by that  is that they don't take chances, they never stand up for what they believe in, they give up when things get tough. (I call them the followers) but if I can find those who want to stand up in this world of weakness, I will not change my values or attitude, chin up--Surrounding myself with those same types of people together we can make incredible changes in the world--it can be done.  I am one of those people who has a responsibility to help  others realize their potential for happiness, no matter what the circumstances. This does not mean I will not  have days when I am sad, or down, those are natural feelings we all have them.  If you have never experienced pain, how do you know what it feels like to be truly happy?

 I have mentally prepared myself for what is to come, the doctors have fully explained it all to me and made sure I understood, and I do.  None of this has to do with living a happy life, I take the opportunities everyday to spend alone time, read from good positive books, then I go out and put it to action.  I was so upset in the beginning, but have learned like I've said before, everything happens for a reason, and anything I have ever started has been hard in the beginning with each passing day I learn to listen with my heart, take the hard days allow myself to cry because I know that pain is so deep it will not be going away in one day.  I have learned how to deal with those days....during those stormy days, that's when it happens, when you least expect it, when you feel like it is never going to end, but then the clouds part, and the rainbows appear. I know when that happens it's OK because He has arrived to take it all away, His love slips through the darkness and I grab on hard to it as I walk with Him into the light, and realize tomorrow is a new day.....you are never a failure, I know for me I just have to remember I do have infinite worth, and start over the next day. Touch those scars, and remember where I've been and the legacy I'm trying to leave for my posterity.

Live Happy

A couple of weeks ago my dear sweet friend Liz Decker asked me to give a testimonial at our Nerium Event, I  knew I wanted to but was not sure what to say. How could I possibly inspire or be an example ? I have done ok with Nerium and fully enjoyed meeting new friends and taking my mind off of my cancer journey, but I am surely not an example of success in the Nerium world.  I had goals written down, simple things I wanted to achieve daily, weekly then monthly when the tumor in my ear arrived and killed the nerve in my face all my goals had to be put on hold. I had 3 surgeries in one week, making it 18 surgeries within 5 years. While I was in Mayo Hospital for 3 weeks, my Nerium friends came to visit--what a surprise that was to me, I barely knew these people. That act of service was a truly heartwarming experience, I realized I really am loved by other people than my own family.  These past couple of months have been incredible as I have fought my way through thick and thin to stay alive......right now I'm a little thick because of the steroids I am on, but guess what?  I simply don't care, if those steroids can help me get to a healing place, bring on the thick.

Look at these beautiful, happy successful women

Don't go anywhere without this magazine--every nurse, doctor
and resident got one from me at Mayo and Cleveland Clinic

Liz and Danny--great leaders, great friends
Love Danny's shirt, I have it too it says
TODAY CHOOSE HAPPY

This subject of Living a Happy Life has become so dear to me over the past 12 years or so.  Being raised in a fully dysfunctional home, then meeting the man of my dreams was quite an opposition from what I was feeling in my home , hearing Eric say "I love you" it was shocking to me.  I remember going home that night at the ripe age of 19, kneeling by my bed and promising the Lord I would live worthy of this man, if He would keep His promise and get me out of this toxic environment.  Promises made were not broken, we were happily married, blessed with 3 beautiful daughters and one magnificent son--they are all married now, and we have been blessed with 2 grandsons from my oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy--oh how our family has been blessed with great son and daughter in laws--I love them all-they make me smile.

So back to this subject of really Living a Happy Life, is it possible? There was a time I did not know what love was, not to mention true happiness.  But the second my daughter was born, I was instantly in love with her, my happiness was filled to the brim, nothing could or ever would compare to this.....wait 13 months later my son came along, big 9 lbs 8 oz, Eric cried.  I wasn't sure he was crying because he was blessed with a son to carry on the Williams name or if he was just happy for that special moment of being told "congratulations, he's a handsome healthy boy" All four of my children have brought such joy and happiness to my life, they lived the young life that I was never granted and I loved watching them make mistakes, figure out the problem and fix it.

When Kayla had her 1st child Recker, the doctor induced her so that I could be there for the birth, I was going through my chemo treatment and didn't want to miss the birth of our first grandchild.  He was blond, beautiful and big--with a mixture of characteristics from both Kayla and Jeremy. Talk about happiness, there is not much more that compares to the unconditional love between a father, mother and their new baby, a gift from Heavenly Father, he has entrusted in parents to take special care of these special children of His.

Although those moments and days after a baby is brought home is such a happy time of life, trials do come to all of us.  My question, even to myself is how do we maintain a happy life through sometimes what seems to be an endless amount of sadness, sorrow, anger and disappointment?  I don't have much science to back it up, but would like to give my opinion on this subject. I believe each child is born into a family with their own spirit, some of those children will be born naturally happy all the time, smiles, giggles, hugs, kisses and eating may make him happy. Seeing both of my grandchildren laugh, giggle, run and play always changes my serotonin levels  and creates a smile or two from me too. Recker our oldest grandson was diagnosed with Autism at age 16 months, I had no idea how to feel about that, should I cry or should I feel blessed that he had been sent to our family to teach and help us grow in compassion, and unconditional love? Now Recker is 4 and a half, he still does not speak, but tries hard to communicate--my daughter and son in law are amazing with him.  Many times I have wept for them, not because of the diagnosis, but because of not knowing how to react when people are rude. I love to just watch him, no words, just watch....he seems so happy, he absolutely brings happiness to me.  I'm not sure he knows he is different, he laughs and plays and hugs and kisses us--he truly is happy.  Heavenly Happy.  

Ezra visiting bonbon at Mayo--he never stops smiling

My sweet little Recker boy, dirty from doing what he loves
playing outside--gave me the #1 for the RedSox

When I was a child my family called me BonBon, I've been told because of my super white hair, the only thing I can see is a likeliness is that the ice cream bonbon's are white inside, covered in chocolate on the outside. No matter, the name stuck with me and even now when I  repeat this name for my email, or to explain why my grandchildren call me bonbon---it always brings a smile to those who hear it. So does smiling mean a person is happy? I'm not sure that qualifies as complete happiness, but it sure is a great start. I believe there is power in a positive mental attitude.

When Eric and I first got married he would go around the valley speaking to hundreds of people about how to have a positive mental attitude....so weird that he and I ended up being married, because I was as far from a positive person when we met----maybe that's why it took 6 years of dating---I've learned so much about having a positive outlook from him.  Imagine this, when we first got married Eric would make me stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful, I was going to have a great day, and that I was happy. Laugh if you want, I did too, in fact I was so resistant at times he would laugh at me and tell me "if you don't believe in yourself then no one else will either, so hold your head up high and repeat after me"

yep...where it all started--Frenchy is
still my #1 fan even when I have a funk day
Positive all the time, never heard a swear word
from his mouth in over 30 years. Believes
no matter what there is always good in
people, we just need to find it and let
them know, they are important to him.

It took me years, probably until I was about 36  years old to realize the power of words, they can hurt worse than any physical pain or abuse they sting your brain and can last for years or even life, or they can lighten a room full of people,  perhaps make one of them feel empowered to change their sad life to a happy one.  I know this from an experience,   I had an experience that changed my life forever.  One day I was wallowing in my own sorrow, feeling bad for myself, actually I'll just say it I WAS VERY DEPRESSED. It had been 7 years since my mother walked away from me, I tried so hard to figure out how to "fix" it, I took on the blame and felt as if I was a failure on so many levels, maybe I should of done something different.  Why couldn't I get this emotional baggage I was carrying around and put it on a plane going far far away? I was far from a happy place.  One of my friends came by the house with her children so they could play with mine. While they played, she asked me what was wrong, and that she had noticed an obvious change in me. I was sensing my mental anguish and decided to tell her a portion of what was going on in my life. Remember at this point, the only people I had to talked to about this was my parents, Eric and my bishop.  She looked me straight in the eye and said "I hope you will understand this when I tell you, but I took psychology at BYU and learned that the percentage of people who have been abused as a child is very high that they too will abuse, so I cannot allow my children in your home anymore, in fact we need to cut our friendship and not allow our children to play anymore." She went as far as to make sure our children were not in the same primary classes together.  Now, to most people this story sounds cruel and unbelievable but for me it changed my life.  I never wanted to be "that" person.  From that day forward, I chose happiness.  Well I have to admit, not everyday since then has been "HAPPY" actually far from it, however, I've learned to find something to learn from each experience that comes into my life.  We may not all agree on the parenting skills of others, or what our passions are but I believe we can all agree living happy is far better than the opposite.

My teenage years were fun with my friends Linda and Jami, I loved them so much and always found happiness, a joy in their presence, mostly because we were girls who made good choices and lived the rules and regulations not only of our faith but also our family rules.  As I have thought about this question,"What is Happiness" the past 8 months I have deliberately made a decision to not allow negative influences impact my life.  (The loss of a family member or family excluded), I allow myself grief but with that being said, I also believe the Lord wants us to be happy while we are alive and that we are promised a life happy after death, so happiness is never taken from us in life or death.  We are the ones who make those decisions, "will I be happy today? or will I be angry or sad?" I found after putting this purposely to action when I walked or ran on the treadmill I am either reading a book or watch the TV in front of me, more than likely I listen to music on an Ipod.  I noticed the difference, when a few years a go after finishing my chemo and radiation treatments my doctor told Eric and I it was time for me to look at my bucket list and start doing them.  We first chose to go to Paris, my husband speaks fluent french and it was a place I always wanted to go.  While in Paris I found my "happy place": Porte Jaune, we were in nature riding bikes being forced to see the Lords creations, to pay attention.  I believe getting back in touch with nature provides endless abundance of happiness. We stopped and picked fresh flowers and berries, we sat and watch as an older generation of men played a game of horseshoes or chess. Children holding handing with their parents giggling so contagiously we had to see what was going on, it was a fish in the stream they were concentrating on for  what seemed to be  15 minutes. Eric and I then joined in their happiness. Every surgery I have gone through before I go into the OR Eric says, now go to your "happy place, I'll meet you there" Do you have a happy place?

the man feeding birds-so peacefully enjoying his day

MY HAPPY PLACE IN FRANCE Porte Jaune

with my favorite frenchy--selfies 

  I am a Facebook, Instagram contiributor, I enjoy hearing the good things my friends are doing, or knowing that I need to pray for a family in need, however, I too believe too much time can be spent on those things. For me, I have made it a habit to read from a good book, or listen to a positive CD or music.  I have turned my car into a NO PHONE ZONE and will always be listening to self help or inspirational stations, or CD's.  Once I have done what I need to do to feed my own soul, then I will check in on FB or IG.

On my nightstand--tried to edit out the pill bottles sorry

I loved this so much, I gave the CD and book
to all of my son in laws, my son and husband

This is the book that can change
your perspective

Something I love to do this book
is a good way to change your
attitude towards the blessings
you have in your life-and share
it with others

You're never too young to learn how to
live
a happy life

In the most recent Live Happy Magazine I read "Does Happiness Matter?"  We've all heard that success won't bring happiness. But have you ever heard that the reverse is true? Choosing happiness is not just the right thing to do--it's the smart thing to do for your health, relationships, and believe it or not your business. A Harvard study proved happiness fuels success, happier people are healthier, and live longer, they are more satisfied in their relationships, and they experience less stress.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I had two different doctors ask me a series of questions one of the 1st questions asked was "did you have any childhood trauma or unneeded stress, or did anything significantly difficult happen to you as a child?" Whoa--that question threw me for a loop, I did not want to admit it, but yes I did live 25 years of total stress, and trauma,  keeping secrets, pretending to be a "Happy Family" if I didn't do that,  I would be the blame for a hurt I knew my mom could not handle, so I kept it in until I was 29. Besides a family history the only other symptom I had was stress--Letting that go and not only being true to myself, but true to my family has been a mixture of emotions--It not only opened up a huge wound, it put a lot of stress on my husband and family.  Being the optimistic, I actually thought confronting this issue was going to finally change my life for good, and we could get some family help, I was wrong.

My life from that time forward changed, it took time, I had to go through every emotion and allow myself to feel pain, hurt, anger, guilt until finally after many years I was able to forgive and feel what joy and happiness, I mean true happiness is.  I began taking my children for walks, going to the park, and being the mother I always wanted to have.  I changed, I made a difference by being involved with my children, I did not do the best job but I did OK, and I know my children are going to be even better than I am as a mother.  So the answer to the Question "Does Happiness Matter?" a huge resounding YES it does.

http://goodthinkinc.com/2012/01/harvard-business-review-positive-intelligence/

Researchers have found that "getting in touch" "earthing" "grounding" or "connecting with nature" regardless of what we call it, There is an obvious connection with a person's "we'll being, as well as our physical well being. So how do we start? One thing I have learned personally, there are like I mentioned before, some people who are naturally born with a happy positive attitude. I myself was not, I have had to work on this continually.  Many times children are born into a family that is very structured and teaches them organization, which in many associations in life and at home is very important.  I always wondered how people who taught their children at home could do it....I would of said to my kids "OK let's go to the park, or a movie, then we'll come home and do our math" In other words I am not a structured person--I love spontaneity--I look forward to doing small things for other people, I love to help people in need (which sometimes blows up in my face)  I believe a person who leads with a positive mood is contagious, I would rather surround myself with uplifting, positive, compassionate people than the person who never has a good thing to say, or is a pessimist.

8 months ago my mother passed away I was not close to her and had a difficult time understanding her thinking.  I decided at that moment I was going to take the next few months and do a kind service or something nice for for someone, anyone.  What I did first was get a clicker I carried in my hand, every time a negative thought came into my mind or out of my mouth I clicked. After a week I decided to check out the clicker.....oh boy was I disappointed, there were more clicks than I wanted to have. Now what do I do? I knelt and prayed that night and asked the Lord to please help me to change those thoughts and actions.  I've always been a little bit scared to ask the Lord for these types of helps, because if you ask for help He will give you more oppositions to increase your accomplishment of mastering this trial you have. So knowing this I pondered why I wanted to do this.
I reset the clicker and started clicking all of the service and good things I had done,  good thoughts or comments I had expressed to others, unexpectedly after a week I took a look at my clicker surprising my positive thoughts and service had tripled in numbers. I bought 100 clickers and give them to all the people who want to work with my Nerium team--one week doing the negative, one week the positive, then make the adjustments,  I started writing down my goals for the day, the week and finally the month. I check it everyday and re-evaluate whether those goals are realistic, in other words I don't set myself up for failure.  Failure isn't  falling down, it's refusing to get back up.  I've learned if I had never experienced failure, pain or hurt, I would not appreciate the great blessings I have in my life.

Without ever feeling sorrow or trials--
you would never know what success
and happiness is.

Think  Happy-Be Happy-and the success
will come--it's more important for you
to love yourself love your life and be happy
with who you are, than it is to struggle for
financial freedom, this secondary to
your living happy

Being astonished by the results of my positive week, I continued with the clicking method and I keep track of those happy thoughts and how they effected not only me but others.  When I started this experiment I was 50 years old (essentially half my life over) Imagine if the people in the world all wore happiness clickers.  I am a partner in a company called Nerium International, one of the reasons I joined was they were on the same thought pattern as myself. You may ask what types of things do I do to help others have a happy day.  I started very slowly by opening a door for an elderly person who could not reach the door handle at Mayo Clinic. One day I was at a grocery store where all the floral's that
morning were being thrown out because they had a few brown spots on them, I asked the manager if it were OK for me to take a few, his response was "take them all", and I did.  I then went to a local park and began handing them out to all the people who walked by me, I  loved this, everyone had a smile. I went one morning and picked up trash that had been blown into the field where our children play soccer, I bought groceries for a family I knew needed them and dropped them on their door step, I bought lifesavers took them to a cancer facility and gave them to all the cancer patients, I gave a man a ride who was hitching, when I drove up and picked him up, he said "why are you helping me, no blonde woman has ever given me a ride, usually I hop in the back of a workers truck" I was listening to  inspirational music, he asked me if I was scared, I said "should I be? do you have a gun or knife?" he said 'no' then I said "then you should be scared" and we both laughed BTW MY FAMILY WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS ONE. I don't regret it.  Giving a smile to an unhappy person, telling someone  you love their blouse or outfit, does world of good and does not cost a thing. I remember a guy who was in chemo every time I was there, he looked so sad one week I brought him a bag of kisses, with a note, the smile on his face was priceless and we remained friends through email until one week he was not there anymore.....I cried the whole way home, but realized he is happy now, he won his battle--he gets to  continue his journey in happiness just not from earth.  I choose everyday to see happiness in others, I've found since doing this I get the rewards of contentment, no regrets, and simple joy. If you want to make the world a better place join the live happy movement today it's free to sign up and you will not believe the map you can follow of you paying forward, and then them paying forward it's global and I love it.  http://Monya.mylivehappy.com/happy-reach  go to this link and start today, it's free and so fun, when you get to the website click on join now from my website, so we can keep a count on the map of how many people we have reached.

Promises not broken

I know without any doubt one day I will be strong enough to believe in this promise.  Right now I am feeling vulnerable.  I am so afraid I have spent a week in Cleveland trying to find a doctor who will take on my case, one in which I was told by two doctors they have never seen during their time as practicing doctors.  I am being fine tuned and my sharp edges are being sanded down.  Heaven has shown me so many miracles....and one thing I know for sure is,  the Lord will not take our pain away, I also believe he could take it away but when he does that we are deprived of blessings we would of never had the opportunity to endure, come closer to the spirit and strengthen our testimony of FAITH and HOPE in Christ.  

One day a few weeks ago I let Recker and Ezra play in my car while I was cleaning it out, they love to just play in the car because when he drive they have to be in their car seats so when bonbon let's them play they are all happiness and smiles.  The next day I was driving and I noticed both Recker and Ezra's feet and hand prints on the windows, I pulled my car over to the side of the road and stared at those prints with the biggest smile on my face--thinking "I want to absorb this moment, those little hand prints are my cute little grandkids...." why did they not look as cute when they were my own children's? Or maybe they were but I just forgot.  I later noticed in my house on one of the mirrors Recker's hand prints all over it, I did not take the windex out--instead I cleaned around it, this little boy has blessed my life more than anyone ever has--I love Ezra too, and I love him just as much, but the connection I have with Ezra is different than the one I have with Recker.  Last week when I was home I had the picc line in my arm, and a wrap around my ear, like a bandaid.  Recker always comes and gives me hugs, but this time he gave me the hug and then a had to inspect my picc line and I tried to explain it was a boo boo and bonbon just needs some medicine.  Then he hugged me again looked at the bandaid on my ear he first looked at it then looked me straight in the eye, as if to say "it will only hurt for a minute" and that fast he had ripped it off my ear and ran as fast he could---NO it didn't hurt, he just hates bandaids and obviously if he doesn't like them he assumed bonbon wouldn't either.  This little Recker boy is 4 and a half, he is still non-verbal, but he and I can communicate with our eyes and our hearts--He has a special bond with our Heavenly Father and I treat him as though he is a typical child, because we do not want him to think we think he less worthy or less loved than anyone else in this family. 

he's my little angel

I know that one day we will understand why some children are born with this special veil surrounding them and protecting them from temptations of the world.  When I look at this picture up above, it always makes me think of Recker, I believe his foot prints will also be next to mine, yes his perfect little foot prints walking next to me and helping me to get where I need to be.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, I am praying the doctor has already cleared his schedule for one day and is able to get me in asap, if not then I will be carried once again on an airplane to my next doctor on the list hoping for an answer.  I have a really good feeling about the Cleveland Clinic, and I know they have already told me my situation is an emergency case.  I realized a long time ago my life will never be the same, it will never be 6 days of exercise for 2-3 hours a day, riding a bike 150 miles a week, lifting weight twice a week and doing kick boxing 3 times a week....I never thought I could give those things up because they had become such a big part of my life, now I realize  my Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me, I'm still not sure what it is, but I want to be the instrument He expects me to be. The way I will accomplish whatever it is I need to get my body healthy again, and I will.  I always seem to forge forward, and I;m able to do it with the FAITH HOPE AND PRAYERS of all my friends and family.  Without them I would not be able to accomplish any of my goals, I don't ever want to let people down or be less than I know I can be, that's just who I am.  Because my life has been spared so many times, it tells me I have more to learn.  I truly believe everything happens for a reason, Heavenly Father is not just going to throw us out to the lions and not have a plan for us--still there are times when I  feel like there is nothing I can do but rely on Him, friends and family to pray for me.  I agreed to come to earth and take a body, and that earth life would be a difficult task at times, I believe when Heavenly Father sees our pain it must hurt him, because He can take it all away, however, if he does that we will not grow and learn and share with others.  My prayer for tonight is to help me sleep, even if I have to cry myself to sleep.  I will wake up in the morning prepared for a good plan from my doctors.  Tomorrow will be a good day, one day closer to feeling the sunshine on my face again.

Mother's Day- Brave Nerium Friends

I was here in Mayo Hospital for Mother's day.  There may be some typo's as I try to write this is it is very painful, and wrting is hard.  Today, the kids came to see me, and i did get a lot of text messages, today I decided I am going to let my BRAVE come through so my kids can see a me they've never seen before, I tried I was trying so hard,  I even ate a  cupcake.  The kids brought me a necklace from sister Kara Kelly, she is always so generous and I am grateful for the necklace it says BRAVE on it. I am not feeling the BRAVE today--trying though--

My body is not reacting the way I want it to. I hate hospitals, I hate pain medicine, and I hate how my face looks--but  I love how my beautiful children and spouses look--they are so great--I have a great family and have so much to be happy about.  This makes me think of all my Nerium friends, they have stood by me, helped me through the good and bad and shown their FAITH in my healing possibility.
 Eric brought me the new Live Happy Magazine yestersday he knew I would want to see it.

Love these girls

Beautiful flowers

Ezra

Liz and Danny Nerium friends up for a visit

choose to live happy

my boys--Blake Eric and Brian

Bonus--2 cupcakes--I wish I could say I ate them--but they tasted good