Holding on Tight

The last skin graft is looking better

Everyday! I love Dr. Lettieri

With all I have going on in my life I continue to ask questions.  I know the Lord understands He loves me, even when I question and ask "why is this happening to me?" I wonder often "haven't I suffered enough?"  This should be the time in my life when I am looking forward to Eric retiring, loving and sharing time with my sweet grandchildren but instead I continue to feel as though my body is deteriorating at a rate faster than I ever expected.

Today as I studied the scriptures I came across passages I have read and studied over and over, but today they brought me to tears.  When Christ was on earth and visited the people he directs the people to ponder His words and pray for understanding—He heals their sick—He prays for the people, using language that cannot be written—Angels minister to and fire encircles their little ones. 

He perceive that the people were weak, that they could not understand all his words which he was commanded by the Father to speak unto them at that time.

He said to the people "Therefore, go ye unto your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask of the Father, in my name, that ye may understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow, and I come unto you again."

When Jesus had spoken, he cast his eyes round about again on the multitude, and beheld they were in tears, and did look steadfastly upon him as if they would ask him to tarry a little longer with them. I would have wanted more too.

He said to the people " Behold, my bowels are filled with compassion towards you.

Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy."

"For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you."

Once he had spoken, all the multitude, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.

 And they all went forth, both they who had been healed and they who were whole, Then they bowed down at his feet, and did worship him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet, insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears.

The word that continues to come to mine is 'desire'.  It makes me wonder if I have enough faith, is my faith sufficient enough to be fully healed?

I have continually followed Him, I know too that I have let Him down in so many ways.  When I'm in these weakened states I wonder if I hold back my heart and not allow His grace to pull me through. What on earth am I supposed to be learning?  I am in continual pain, and now being diagnosed with kidney failure is incomprehensible.  Just 2 weeks ago I told Frenchie how happy I was, that I was finally starting to physically feel better.  I even told Dr. Lettieri I had a good feeling about the last skin graft.  His answer was that we are still not out of the woods, but that he too felt good about the graft.

So here I am once again doubting myself, pushing myself forward trying to mask the fear I feel inside.  I have three doctors appointments this week, then I am taking my grandchildren to Disneyland!!! Nothing any doctor tells me is going to get in my way of that trip even if they have wheel me around.  Eric and I have a trip planned for Hawaii in a couple of weeks, I don't want to cancel that trip either--in fact I just want to fly first class, be as comfortable as I can and for once think of myself.  I know we will not be able to do the things we had planned, this was as Dr. Lettieri put it "Finally, a much needed vacation before the next round of surgeries start."  What I feel inside is an emptiness I can't describe, no one I know will or should have to understand it.  The only thing I know for certain is that I am doing all I can to stay calm and be patient; only because I know the Lord has a plan for me.

What's Up?

Ok so I haven't been the best at blogging my true feelings about the unfortunate facial paralysis I have.  Here is a quick synapse of what has happened just in the last 2 years.

• Mastoid (layman's tumor) in the inner ear canal, burned black skin, very long difficult surgeries.
• Woke up one day with the right side of my face partially paralyzed--spent 3 weeks in the ICU and had 3 surgeries to find out exactly what happened.
• The nerve in my face that controls the right side went completely dead--no reason except an infection we had a hard time getting rid of.
• I was told to go home and learn how to deal with the new face, Eric was told "Get used to your new wife, she will never smile again." (I love this Doctor, I am just stating how we heard it, not necessarily how he delivered it.)
• Went to Cleveland Clinic for 7 weeks waiting to have another at least 12-15 hour surgery. Had what I thought was a near death experience.
• Came home to Arizona, searched for a surgeon who specialized in facial trauma...found him, love him and he's at Mayo Clinic or Maricopa (options are nice)
• Had a nerve crossover surgery (layman's...they took the nerve from my calf and threaded it through the left side of my head, down to my cheek.
• Waited one year, and the nerve grew one inch a month--Dr. Lettieri very pleased..me too.
• Had the next part of of the nerve surgery, everything was great until it wasn't...infection again this time compromising the parotid gland (Layman's--your saliva gland)

Yesterday Dr. Lettieri called me to advise I will be having surgery tomorrow.  I realized tonight as I mentally prepared to enter surgery tomorrow....I am a professional at surgery.  The hospital admittance receptionist called and said 

"Monya, we are planning on seeing you at 5:30 am"

"Ok I will be there."

So simple, so comfortable and so REAL.  It's not normal for hospital staff to actually know a patient well enough to talk to them with such ease. No questions about health history or medications I take, not even the routine of no aspirin, no eating after midnight....nothing just "See you tomorrow"

I'm so tired of telling my family and friends about surgeries, asking for prayers, it's almost embarrassing for me I done it so many times.  I know those who pray for me don't feel like it's a burden but this story is getting old and needs an ending of Happy, and thriving in life.

When I start to feel sorry for myself I think about all the people who have shown me so much faith and hope during the last seven years.  I also think about my strength and the spiritual growth I have gained by going through these hard times. I'm not the same person I was pre cancer.  I know Heaven is watching over me and everything that has happened is for a reason....I have no idea what that reason is but I know the Lord knows and has a plan for me.  So as I retire to bed tonight I will kneel to pray once again to ask for guidance and inspiration for Dr. Lettieri to have steady hands and a clear mind as he enters the OR once again with me.

God is Good

Today I am grateful for the good and bad experiences I've had in my life.  I've had a few friends diagnosed with breast cancer over the past few months.  Each one of them have had a lumpectomy no chemo or radiation.  While  a part of me wants to ask....why I didn't catch it sooner, the inner spirit in me says the Lord has a plan for me.  I may never know what that is, but I continue to have faith and hope for continued strength to help me through this earthly life.

Today as I scrolled through Face Book reading updates on friends lives, I read one of them was told  she was CANCER FREE by her physician, I was thrilled for her, but the comments were what intrigued me. Almost everyone of the 200+ comments said God is Good.   I agree God is good, but for someone like me who has been dealing with health issues for almost 7 years now I had to question....isn't God Good to everyone?  Although I continue to do all I'm asked to do by my physicians I also continue to have heartache after heartache; my body is not cooperating.  Some people have been bold enough to say this is due to my lack of faith. I, in no way believe I'm not as good in the eyes of the Lord as these other woman are but I would be lying if I said it didn't affect me.  While I am honestly happy for these friends, I never want anyone I love to experience what I've been through I do not believe it has to do with how much faith I have.  I know without a doubt the Lord loves me and has a purpose for me here on earth. I'm trying to be the best woman I can be, trying to give unselfishly, serve others with a thankful heart....not because I think I deserve some great reward of complete healing but because I know when I serve others it makes me feel good, and in a strange way, maybe other people cannot understand it helps me feel hope for not only my future but for the future of those I serve.

Yes, God is Good he is in charge of my life, I am in charge of how I react to it.  I have chosen to not step around the fire but to run through it knowing on the other side will be safety.  The peace I feel knowing I'm ok with who I am from the inside out is becoming more and more real as the years pass and the reality sets in knowing my doctor was right....my face will never be the same again, at least not in this lifetime.  I look forward to the day when I pass over to the other side knowing my body will be perfect again like a new born I will no longer have pain.  Until that day I live each day with a smile on my heart and sincerity with my intentions.

God is good all the time, to everyone.

Abundant Blessings

Today a whirlwind of emotions over powered me and allowed me to reconnect with what is really important in my life.  Kayla came by with the boys, Recker is now 6 and a half years old.  He is non-verbal but I believe he knows exactly what we are talking about, he has emotions and feelings. He came in and hugged me, I said "I love you" and in his own way he showed me he loves me too. Then little Ezra hugged and kissed me. I said "I love you" he replied "I l@#$% you" interpreted it says "I love you too" he now says Bon Bon, Papa, all the families names, mom and dad he will also repeat anything we ask him to.....he is trying so hard.  I took them all to lunch enjoying every moment I had with them. Kayla is 9 months pregnant, she will be giving birth to her 3rd son our 4th grandson.  Ezra is so cute he smiles and laughs at everything and everyone.  On his hand he had a happy face and a sad face drawn I asked him what they were he said "Happy" and smiled really big with his huge cheeks I wanted to squeeze. Then he pointed to the sad face and said "Sad" and quickly showed me his sad face. "Very good Ezra, which emotion do you feel now?" "I happy" I left them feeling blessed with these special boys Heavenly Father has entrusted our family with.  I say sincere prayers daily asking the Lord to help me know as a grandmother how I can better understand how to love them and help them.
When I arrived home Blake was getting Weslie out of his car, happy thoughts rushed through my body.  I hoped I could spend some time with both of them.  I of course immediately grabbed Weslie, she is absolutely beautiful. When Blake let to go get food for he and Chloe who would soon be arriving I took Weslie in my arms and sang her a song I used to sing to Recker when he was her age.

I love you Weslie,
Oh yes I do.
I love you Weslie
Oh yes I do
When you're not near me I'm blue
Oh Weslie I love you.

I walked and rocker her for several minutes singing over and over the same words, when she finally fell asleep on my chest I laid down with her on the sofa. Examining every inch of the miracle straight from Heaven.  Her eyelashes perfectly shaped, long and lush. I could feel her heart beat on my mine the smell of her skin angelic.  An enormous amount of pride rushed through my body thinking about Blake, Chloe and Weslie they are a cute family.  Watching Chloe mothering little Weslie is so refreshing I love her as a daughter, I consider her my daughter.  Watching Blake being so involved as a father warmed my heart. Tears fell from my eyes, I have so many blessing to be grateful for. Nothing else in the world mattered at that moment. I was in awe.

I've wanted to transition the toy room we have upstairs to the downstairs room---this is a huge undertaking for me.  Still recovering from my last surgery has been slower but I really want to get this change done. I began by going through all the pictures and separating them out. In the mess I found several letters from my mother.  Now that she has passed on those letters are read by me in a different context. I believe she and I were trying to resolve a difficult situation however, seeing it from different perspectives  was difficult for both of us.  I feel good about the way I handled the delicate situation, just reading these old letters dredged up some old emotions I was not prepared for. I quit reading the letters realizing she is gone now and there is nothing I can do to bring her back. Heavenly Father is in charge and he will deal with this perfectly I have no doubt when it's my time to leave this earth the Lord will have this taken care of, take me in his arms and say I love you.

I rummaged through some letters from Blakes mission, he always has a way of putting me back in the right frame of mind. He really was a great missionary. Then I found a book Kaitlyn wrote about her brother she couldn't have been more than six or seven years old.  She illustrated the book with her and Blake on bike rides going to the Library and then to water and ice...the illustration showed them bicycling and her yelling out to him "Hey wait up" Her sincere love for her brother came out when she said how much she loved him over and over, and also how grateful she was to have such a 'cool' big brother. My heart was again swelled to capacity, I was never the 'perfect' mom but my children turned out perfectly beautiful to me.

To end my night tonight I read a talk given by a religious leader Elder Neal A. Maxwell--the title of his talk was Enduring Well.  I came to the conclusion it is impossible for me to completely understand.  Because I believe there is an Atonement of Christ it makes it easier to comprehend why suffering and trials are about trusting in God to keep his promises.

"Rather than simply passing through trials, we must allow trials to pass 

through us in ways that sanctify us."

I have been stretched at times in my life to the point of doubting my Faith and Hope in difficult times.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh wisely cautioned: "I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning. understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." 

I have allowed trials to pass through me and sanctify me in ways I never thought I had the ability to endure.  We all suffer in our lives, but do we mourn those trials, do we go forward with patience hoping for the Lord's hands to guide us through?  I believe I have been open and honest with my entire life, my book is going to expose truth in trials and how I have allowed those spooks to over power my life..I am so grateful for those hardships and enduring them with grace it has allowed me to grow, love others and serve unconditionally.  I have not regrets, I love my life. 

Because He Lives

Today is Easter 2016.  I enjoyed every minute of the day.  Eric and I attended church, partook of the sacrament and listened to Cindy Packard and Kyhle Powell eloquently speak about the resurrection of Christ.  I was deeply touched by Cindy's talk, as she spoke of our lives in Heaven I closed my eyes and imagined being in a perfect state of mind, perfect body, no scars and being embraced by Eric's mom and Dad.  I so look forward to that day!  My life is beautiful right now, I am finally beginning to be ok with who I am, what I look like and how I speak to people.  I have 4 darling grandchildren and one to arrive in June, these sweet little angel's bring so much joy to my life. Recker is 6 year's old now, today he was so excited to take my phone and watch movies he does not have at home. As I watched him swing the bat at the traditional Williams Easter piñata his smile was pure and refreshing, he is perfect in every way.  Ezra is 3 year's old now, his laugh is contagious when he walks into the room we definitely KNOW he's here! He will run into any of our arms hug us tight and give us a big kiss on the lips....then smile with those big huge eyes of his.  He say's a few words now we relish in those moments because we know children with Autism can regress, as Recker has at times and we may not hear a word from them again for months.  Phoenix is a blondie just like his dad and his mother were at his age.  He just turned 1 year old and is making a name for himself.  He is darling walking around saying while pointing "that....that.....that...." He say's mom, dad, papa, bye bye while waving and an animated Hi to everyone he see's.  Wesley is our little princess among the boy's.  She is 6 weeks old and purely angelic. 

Because I know He Lives I can face tomorrow.  I love these hopeful words, tomorrow I will enter once again into a surgery with Dr. Lettieri.  I'm hoping to see Eric's mom while I am under sedation no one brings me safely to my comfort zone like she does.  It's late I'm tired and need to get rest, I have no anxiety, no fear going into this surgery I never have with Dr. Lettieri he gives me strength and helps me to see the big picture.  This surgery I am having is because a sore on my neck where the drain was placed during my last surgery will not heal,  that surgery was on December 2nd.  I have a problem with infection.  Sonya explained to me this week that my mother died from an infection she battled for 3 year's, seems I have her gene's running through me.

Miracle in the Desert

In 1954 Reverend Jim and Vera Dingman had a desire to give their lives to caring for children who were hurting and who had faith that God would provide all they needed. Today, Sunshine Acres still is a place of hope for children. No matter the reason why children come to Sunshine Acres – parents in prison, a parent too ill to care for the child or homelessness – they can count on this miracle in the desert for a safe place to call home, food, clothing, activities and, most importantly, love. No child is ever turned away for financial reasons.  

Since 1954 Sunshine Acres has been home to more than 1,600 children and still today children will not be turned away for financial reasons. They do not receive government support for the children and though they are donor funded, they do no fundraising or solicitation for themselves. Many friends, businesses, churches and volunteers contribute and host fundraising events on behalf of the home, and God is still working miracles!

The Dingman's out of pure faith bought 150 acres in the desert of Arizona for $125,000. On Thursday I decided I wanted to drive to Sunshine Acres to find out more about their mission, how many children were currently being housed and how I could help.  As I entered the front office I was greeted with a friendly smile.  I asked if it would be possible for me to assemble easter baskets for all the children.  The happy sweet lady said "Of course, the children will love it."  There are 70 children currently housed, 40 boys and 30 girls.  

Last night I told Frenchie what I was doing, he was surprised I had chosen Sunshine Acres because the builder he works for, Jeff Blandford has donated a boys and girls home on the property and is currently building another boys home.  He asked if he could come to help for a little bit.

This morning I arrived at Sunshine Acres around 9:30 and began to assemble the baskets.  When Frenchie showed up a sweet peace was in the room where we  began to place love into each basket.  He could not stay long but I appreciated the time I had with him.

I am Blessed

I wanted each basket to be perfect, as if it were for one of my own children or grandchildren.  Some of these children have been abandoned, when they arrive it is reasonably difficult for them to open up and trust.  They have been so hurt and disconnected from a real home.  Sunshine Acres is a shield of protection for them.  They teach the children how to be happy, no matter the circumstances. Yes, it is hard, most definitely lonely at times but soon they begin to understand no child is so damaged that they can't change.  They learn that God will always provide a way.  Eventually they discover they are loved, they have purpose and that they do have something to give to the world.  I see Sunshine Acres as a healing place.  From the very beginning it was all about loving a child.  When we give a child love it will change hearts.  We have the power within us to help change the next generation showing them their potential and purpose in life, stopping the cycle of abuse and neglect.

Entrance to the boys home

The Petting Zoo

Donation from Jeff Blandford

Girls Home, named after Jeff Blandford's
mother Bonnie

One of the canvas pictures in the Girls room

The Kitchen storage area

The beautiful kitchen

All the neighborhood children were hanging
out at Bonnie's today!!

Sunshine Acres is solar powered, and what a beautiful view

The front of Bonnie's girls home

The entrance to the church where
every child attends on Sundays

I love that everything including the Church
is on the property.

I was able to take a tour of Sunshine Acres, I was not allowed to take pictures with any children but I can tell you they are happy!!  I was extremely impressed with the cleanliness of each home, and the polite lovable children I met. Today was a great day, I decided my family will all be included next time; a new family tradition.

Hopes and Dreams with Dr. Sal Lettieri

This time 6 years ago I waited anxiously for a negative diagnosis of cancer.  Not receiving the news I was expecting, looking back on this journey I've been on I realize I am being prepared. For what? That I can't answer, I'm not sure I want to know.  I would be lying if I said I have not had days when I want to crawl up in my bed, close my eyes and not wake up.  I have felt unmeasurable pain, physical, mental and spiritual.  I think we all want to believe we are "strong" If I had a dime for every time someone has told me how "strong" I am in the past 6 years, I'd be a rich woman. I'm grateful to those people.  So many times I have prayed for a miracle and felt abandoned. Now that I've cried enough  tears to fill a swimming pool I trust in Him.  So many of us have a hard time recognizing the blessings that come in disguise of a trial.

Funny thing about that is, I am a rich woman.  Not in a monetary way, but I am richer in my strength of who I am.  I've been forced to live my life with loneliness, hardships and pain. What if I had not experienced these things?  Where would I be now? Who would I be?  He has bigger and better plans for me. I am in the midst of fulfilling commitments and I know He will keep His promises to me.  I will serve other's, be happy with whatever circumstances come my way.

I have had to learn to challenge my thinking, to lean on a positive environment of people.  I'm trying to learn how to balance my life.  Work, family, Nerium, Mayo Clinic, friends, personal development and daily intentional goals have helped me to keep focused on what is most important.  I've had to be brave in circumstances where other's don't understand or actually don't have the capacity to understand what this past year has done for me.  Just when I thought I could never look myself in the mirror again, I became brave I let it define and refine me.  I learned that my face is not who I am.  I can't say I have fully embraced the idea of a partial paralyzed face.

A year ago I read a book that changed my life and added value to who I am, I will forever be grateful for having the knowledge before I read it, that I am a beloved woman of God. If not for having that testimony I probably would not have been able to make effective choices,. I've learned your thoughts either serve your growth or serve your decline.  It's been proven we make and average of 50,000 choices everyday.  I've always been a journal writer, a reader and I love good uplifting music so when I read The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson, I was like a sponge. I  can attest to the power of words but as a child words were usually to my detriment.   The Slight Edge convinced, and reconfirmed to me  I have been lead and whispered to by the spirit all these years, I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.

Humility, a word I probably would have never used to describe myself 6 years ago  I'm progressing   by studying everything I cab get my hands on.  While studying I often think of all the people who have touched my life.  Who I think are a true example of humility.  Not one of these people know they are humble, isn't that interesting? It is who they are, an attribute they have mastered without knowing they have.  Some of these people have had devastating events happen in their lives and learned to control their thoughts and actions to mirror match a Christlike attitude. Other's seem to not have had any apparent significant trials in their lives. They surround themselves or have been surrounded by proactive people who have built them up, showed them compassion and unconditional love.  The attribute of Humility is such blessing, and not easy to accomplish.

During my reading of the Slight Edge and studying scriptures, I am finally able to say I believe in the power of the brain and how our thoughts, positive or negative can effect everything.  I made the choice to look myself in the mirror everyday and say "You will smile someday" It's been over a year, I've had 3 doctors tell me I will never smile again, I will never have facial movement on the right side of my face. I'm glad to report not all doctors are in charge of what the outcome of positive mental attitude is.  Dr. Lettieri told me I would smile again. He has encouraged me to continue to work that muscle.  Every morning for a year I tell myself over and over again "I will smile again" then I tell my brain to tell my mouth to move.  Dr. Lettieri has never given up on me, he has never said "You Can't or you Won't" It sometimes requires a surgical procedure but I am slowly but surely starting to tell my brain to simultaneously smile when I tell it to. It's working, I am reaping the rewards of my daily affirmations. It's a slight smile, but what's more important is realizing, just like reading from a good book everyday, kneeling to pray everyday, having faith all things I've done all my life are things I have mastered by doing them receptively.  Those things are a part of who I am, if I stopped doing those things it would be like not brushing my teeth everyday, eventually they would rot. It really has been such a slight change, but adding it to my daily routine has strengthened not only my brain and facial muscle but it has lead me to believe an arrow could be shot at me and I could repel it.

I am endeared to Dr. Lettieri, and to Heather Lucas.  She has seen me through so much.  I miss Dr. Kreymerman and wish he was here to see my  progress.  Dr. Lettieri has now been re-named as my "happy smile doctor" He said I would, I said I could and I am making progress.  I am beginning to dream again, to have hope for my future. Prayer, the greatest miracle in my life when burdens have weighed me down, prayer from so many people have helped me to believe in myself again.  Putting my faith in Him I believe I have even greater miracles to come.  He could take away all of this but His plan is perfect in every way.  These trials are refining me into the woman I've always dreamed of being.

The Price of Beauty

I was recently at a training in Canada, as I religiously took notes I suddenly was struck with shock when I heard Mark (the trainer) tell a story about how much women pay for their beauty products.  I heard laughing from the audience, but I was in another world.  I was having an outer body experience. What is the price we pay for beauty?  I'm not talking about a monetary price, as Mark was humorously entertaining us with.
I had an ah ha moment, I wrote:   Mark said "believe me guys, there is a price for beauty...."
I immediately wrote down "For me, what I have learned about beauty from Nerium this past year is Priceless" My face is disfigured, it will never be the same.  I want that so badly, I want to look at someone and smile, smile BIG.  I want to show my teeth.  I can't believe I took my smile for granted.  Just like I took my hair for granted, the feeling in breasts for granted, being able to run and train for granted, I could go on and on..... I simply took everything in life for granted.
I cannot honestly say any of this is understandable, nor has it been easy.  I may not always please people with my honesty and truthfulness, however I know the Lord has gotten me through these past few years.  I have been refined, not defined by Him who loves me just as I am.  In my quiet time, when I spend thinking and pondering over why so much in my life has been hard there have been times I've truly wanted to crawl in a hole and die--I've wondered if anyone would even miss me, lost sometimes in despair.
Then suddenly my heart is filled with more love and an overwhelming feeling of His arms around me, pulling me up through that dark and empty hole into the light again.
I lived for so long not caring about others, not caring even about where I was going or where I should be.  I now know my life was intentionally and most humbly prepared for me before I even came to earth.  His grace has gotten me through enormously unbelievable circumstances.  Because I know He has made promises to me if I am righteous and obedient I will continue trying to live as He wants me to.  I will share Hope and Faith with others, I know the Lord will use me, he will lead and guide me to people who are in need.  This life for me is no longer about beauty on the outside, I ask Him to help me not turn from pain and to give me strength and compassion to help others who are climbing an uphill battle.
We all want to feel beautiful, external beauty, I know this because I have been that person.  There are still glimpses I take in the mirror that horrify me.  When I am weak, I know I have to move forward, never go back, never give up.  I am putting all my faith in unseen strong hands that I have felt comfort me and pull me to a higher ground.  I love that feeling, knowing He is watching over me, He knows me, He feels my pain and He understands my journey on this earth is not quite over.
Physically I am tired, my body aches my heart is full and yet I want to fight because I know there are so many more miracles to come to others from Him through me.  I don't feel comfortable sharing those sacred moments the Lord has so gracefully revealed to me I have more work to do before it is my time to go live with Him again.  He has lifted my burdens on so many occasions when I have wanted to give up.  When Sheldon died, one of those special moments came.  I truly miss him, and visit his graveside often. I'm not sure why, I haven't visited anyone's grave as much as his but I feel a peace there. I will never forget him telling me I looked beautiful when I was bald.  Eric tells me I'm beautiful everyday, he is so kind in that way and I appreciate it so much, but the day Sheldon said those words to me, it meant something different.  He stood there pale faced and bald himself and yet for some reason those words penetrated my heart like no one else ever has. Maybe because I trusted he knew how I was feeling, not just using "words" to succor the needy.
Every bit of the worlds definition of physical beauty has been taken from me.  So yes, there is a price to pay for physical beauty, but for me what I have learned about pure unconditional love and beauty in His eyes is priceless.

Have Courage and Be Kind

What an unbelievable week I've enjoyed.  I was asked by Renee Olson (Chief Leadership Officer for Nerium International), to speak at Nerium's semi annual national convention.  It was held at the SAP center in San Jose, a sold out crowd with thousands of people. I was hesitant in actually following through with this great honor.  I am so transparent in so much of what I do, but often do not allow other's to see the delicate, emotional roller coaster I've endured. The ache's have been real for me. The weight of this responsibility became so heavy, knowing my face would be on huge jumbo screens for all to see,  gave me tremendous anxiety. This past year there have been times I've just wanted to hide. Hearing the reality of an innocent child ask their parent "mom, what's wrong with that ladies face?" has been difficult to process, usually I reply before the mother or father has a chance "I just have a boo boo" the parents usually apologize and walk off, saying they are sorry.  That is my reality, that has been my life for a year now.  I realize no one can truly understand what I am feeling, so I usually just say "I'm fine"  when truly my heart is weak, struggling to be brave and strong. Just when I've started to heal and feel like life is taking a turn, another trial comes.  I was so amazed while I poured out all my feelings, I felt loved. I prayed for the right words to say. I felt this peace come over me before I went out on stage.  I really opened up and let Him guide me.  I could not read my notes, I resisted putting on my glasses to read them, I had to condense 5 and a half years into 10 minutes--I knew there was no way I could convey all the emotions we've lived through in that amount of time. I decided before I went out, I would meet Him where he needed me to be and that maybe in someway this would bring me full circle and heal my insecurities.  This experience helped me to be one step closer to being whole again.  I prayed that whatever I said would touch at least one person and help them to understand that at times we all feel broken in some way or another, but not giving up is the secret power we all have inside of us. We all want to feel valued and important, I've learned this through living it personally.

For those who have followed my blog, I don't really talk much about Nerium because I didn't want my blog to turn into a platform for advertising.  This is a sacred place where I go to get away from the world, I am alone and listen to uplifting music when I write.  I've always wanted this to be an authentic reality of who I am.  This is a place my children will be able to go long after I am gone to laugh, cry and remember who their mom was.  With that being said, I do have to add I know without a doubt Heavenly Father led me to this incredible company.  I was not looking for anything,  still involved heavily in health issues.  The confirmation I felt when I said yes to Nerium was so overwhelming at the time I didn't know why. Now I do, within a few months of joining with my friends, my facial paralysis happened.  If it was not for the self development I've gained from living in the culture of the Nerium Family, I don't think I could have made it through this past year.  I highly recommend to anyone READ THE SLIGHT EDGE by Jeff Olson.  It has nothing to do with Nerium, it has to do with a philosophy of life.  Even through my breast cancer journey, losing my hair, my uterus and both breasts I still felt I was ok. My perspective on life has changed, I learned that nothing in life is worth anger, hate or malice.  Seeing the world through different eyes lightened my heart and soul.

The Villain had taken from me everything that the world defines as "feminine" it was difficult to process, and I relied on the Lord to get me through it. However, when the facial paralysis came and a doctor said to me "Your face will never be the same again" those words penetrated deep into my mind.  I cried, my husband cried for me.  I was depressed and sad, I took so much of it out on my family, and never wanted to be seen in public again.  It has been a slow process and one that I cannot say I have fully conquered, but I can honestly say without hesitation no where, except for my church congregation and family, have I felt true unconditional love, like I have with the Nerium family.  Jeff Olson has taught me true happiness begins from the inside and manifests itself to others when you are genuine with thoughts and feelings of yourself. Success is not a car, or a home.  So many people think "well when I lose weight, or I get a new job, or I blah blah blah......I will be happy"  Nothing can be further from he truth, being authentic and happy with yourself under any circumstance is what success is, it's what attracts people to you and it is what helped me to live through this year.  Be patient with me I'm still under construction.

Speaking in front of a sold out stadium--ummm..kinda overwhelming
I had to lean on the spirit and speak from the heart.

Nerium and CEO Jeff Olson know how to throw a
white party--so much fun

It's was badge of courage and bravery for me to expose myself to such a large group of people.  Over the past few weeks as I traced the steps of where I've been,  it was overwhelming even to myself to process my journey.  I have wrestled with shame and discouragement, feeling as if I have let people down.  I've wondered at times if my own children are disappointed in me. This life changing alteration in my life has really brought me to my knees.  Starting anything is always hard, a diet, an exercise program, a new job and even a new life.  Trusting in myself to fight through this last year has been empowering. It's been worth the sorrow and pain I've felt and feel.  As I give up my pride and begin to give in to the fact, this is the life I am intended to live, I'm beginning to believe I can move mountains. I have felt the changes inside of me. I'm beginning to realize I'm me because of where I've been and the experiences I've enjoyed and endured.

When Sheldon died, I wanted to give in and give up, now I see the Lord has been waiting for me to do my part.  To fulfill a promise. I'm finally beginning to understand I don't need all the answers right now. It's never too late to start all over on a path that will move you forward.  Step up to the starting line and run, run as fast as you can, tomorrow may not come. This is the time to love others, share a kind word and be true to yourself you will find the strength to pull yourself out of any situation.  There are days when I have to remind myself of who I am, convince myself once again I have the power within me to be happy. True happiness cannot be given to you, it cannot be bought and it certainly cannot be faked.  When you are completely happy, you live with no regrets, you are at peace with who you are and most of all your spirit illuminates and becomes contagiously beautiful.

Tonight, Eric and I went to see the new version of the animated Disney movie Cinderella. As I watched I was engulfed in the story, so many paralye's to my own life. It  gave me a picture of the unparalleled beauty of courage and kindness in the face of humiliation, suffering, and shame.  I watched thinking sure, Cinderella looks stunning. But it’s not her ball gown or glass slippers that first catch the Prince’s eye.  It’s her inner beauty that captures his attention—her courage and her kindness.  Kindness isn’t weakness; it’s strength. Submission isn’t pitiful; it’s beautiful and courageous.  We all have the power within ourselves to make our lives happy, it is a CHOICE.

Enduring ongoing adversity

There are so many differences in all of our lives. Depending on the circumstances, new mothers sometimes feel overwhelmed, fathers feel pressured to take care of families while some struggle with loneliness.  I believe we all  have at least one challenge in common. Dealing with some type of adversity.  I've also realized the reality of those adversities  cannot be compared to each other.  For example; Many years I was dealing with a teenager who was really struggling with some serious issues.  It was heartbreaking to watch, especially knowing if this child would just be obedient life would be so much easier for them. One day I went to visit a friend who was clearly devastate and beside herself in tears. When I inquired what was wrong I was shocked at her answer. She mentioned her daughters name then through her tears explained "She broke a family rule and got her ears pierced, she's only 15, we agreed no ears pierced until the age of 18" Her perspective and her trial was nothing like what we were dealing with, however in her family it was obviously just as heartbreaking. 

There have been periods, sometimes long ones, when my life seem to flow with little difficulty. Unfortunately the nature of our lives gives way to distress,  for me periods of good health have come to an end, and misfortunes have arrived.  It seems to be more difficult  when the comfortable times have gone on for a while. The suffering of health issues or the loss of material security can bring fear and sometimes even anger. I have to be transparent here, and admit I have felt the anger and questioned why?

I realize the  anger comes from a feeling that what is happening is unfair. It came at such a shock. To be blessed with  good health all my life, the serene sense of being secure had become deserved and natural, almost as an arrogant ignorance. After all hadn't I proven my worthiness and loyalty to the Lord? For this health issue to continue now for over 5 years, a feeling of injustice has sometimes come to my mind.  I have considered myself a brave woman yet many times have cried out loud “I have always tried to be good. How could this happen?”

The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of  infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the gifts of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and  be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.

There is an  aching sometimes for an answer to “How could this happen?” it becomes even more painful when I see others struggling including those I love.  When Recker was diagnosed with Autism I wouldn't say I was devastated, but I was honestly asking "why?"  It was especially hard for us to accept when he was so innocent. Then having our 2nd grandson diagnosed with Autism, I have to be honest it rocked my testimony, hitting my knees continually asking "why, why would you send these spirits to the same patents?" This type of  distress can shake faith in the reality of a loving and all-powerful God. I felt the spirit continually reminding me, the Lord knows all and if I continued without faith doubt could grow and spread it could make me or my children turn away from God, blaming him with the thought of him being indifferent or cruel. I knew I needed to check in with Him daily or  those feelings could lead to loss of faith and question if there was a God at all. Again I found myself asking like I did several months after processing a cancer diagnosis...."why me?" with the comforter conveying to me over and over again I soon asked "why not me?"  It takes time to get that pain to go away, but I can honestly say now "Thank you Lord for blessing us and trusting us with these two little boys" (I am not speaking for Jeremy or Kayla, I'm not sure they are feeling the same.)  What a pure love they have for us and we for them.  

It soon became clear that for me to have trust in Him, I  must be transformed through making righteous choices daily, that is hard to do. I often still wonder  if I am prepared for such a great a trust.  Passing through trials and testing requires a great deal of faith.  I deal with facts and  the education for me could come only as I allowed myself to be subject to trials while serving God and others for Him.

I'm so grateful for this education, as I experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, the sadness from sin and the joy of forgiveness. I'm convinced that forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which I can only faintly comprehend.

It comforts me even to know I must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help me and others who suffer.  Faith in that power has given me patience as I pray and work and wait for help. He could easily take this all away but He chooses to teach by own personal experience. Just as I need to learn from my own personal experiences.

The Lord’s relentless answers to my pleading  has helped me and has encourage me in times of darkness. Even when I feel the truth of the Lord to deliver me in my trials, it still tests my courage and strength to endure. Lately it feels it will not end, during these times even physical strength is difficult, listening to RS lessons on how to deal with trials and adversity are hard to comprehend.  The comments made are even difficult to hear. (sorry just being honest)

I have seen faith and courage come from my testimony.  I am being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful children. The child who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle. This is so much easier to write than actually live through.

I am far from perfect, but I have begun to prepare my heart to be worthy of the Lord. I've had the attitude “Things will work out.” Medical insecurities have not eroded my faith; it has tested it and strengthened it. And the feeling of peace the Lord has promised has already been delivered in the midst of the storm. Other miracles are sure to follow. I expect the miracles to happen, and thank the Lord ahead of time for the miracle that I know is just around the corner.
I watch from a distance how Kayla and Jeremy have embraced the trial they have been faced with.  Recker and Ezra are beautiful loving children, but don't mistake their love and affection with an easy road to take.  From day to day they struggle, not knowing "what is going to happen next?" Those boys are into everything.  Recker and Ezra are both non-verbal so try to imagine their frustration knowing everyone around them can talk.  Their only way of communication is by taking us by the hand and leading us to what they need or want.  I can only translate my feelings as a grandparent, not as the parent who is caring 24 hours, worrying 24 hours.  The special bond these boys have with their cousins and family is unconditional love however, I can't imagine the heaviness on the shoulders of his parents. The responsibility the Lord has given them, is beyond what I can comprehend.  I know that I am on a road to be the best I can be so I can live with these perfect little boys for eternity.

I don't know why but I truly believe the Lord customizes trials to best strengthen and purify us individually.  Often it will come in the inspiration to do what might seem especially hard for the person who needs help himself. The test, and there is always a test, is how we deal with the trial.
 I know from my own experience that He can and will give us strength to rise through every trial. 

His Grace / Dr. Lettieri

So this will be a really raw post.  REAL life is happening over here in my head.  I keep thinking about the times I begged the Lord to take all my heartaches away, let me feel the sunshine all the time.  I felt I'd done my share of trying and hardship--I should have gotten an A+ on that report card.

Once I'd forgiven those in my life who had truly belittled and hurt me, then took the time to also forgive myself for my shortcomings I felt I had paid the price and I was done. I heard this quote the other day

“When you face adversity, you need to remind yourself that whatever is trying to defeat you could very well be what God will use to promote you.”

The quote struck me so deeply with the spirit, I had to rewind several times to make sure I heard it correctly.  The truth is, I am a strong person, I am sometimes brave but I am very much weak in so many ways.  The death of Sheldon really put so much in perspective for me.  Although he and I had talked about death and the possibilities of leaving so much behind, we also recognized the weakness of this world.  One time we talked about whether or not doctors are as smart as we all seem to think they are.  Never a day goes by that I don't think about Sheldon, what is he doing? The peace he is feeling, no more pain, no more doctors no more shadows to hide under.  I want to find that place.  I find peace so many times in knowing all these sleepless nights and bittersweet feelings I have will all be taken away. I,  of course don't want to have my children or grandchildren to feel the pain of having me gone, but knowing our lives are eternal gives me pleasure.  I know this life is such a twinkle in His eye, the life after this life is eternal, I will have plenty of memories to make with my grandchildren and I will not miss a thing.  Keeping my eye's and thoughts on eternity are what give me sight when I think I can't see past today.

With the Lord, I have no hiding places I can go and rest. He truly knows my heartache, when no one else seems to 'get it' He not only hears me but He knows how I feel--that pain is hard for me.  I know it must penetrate his heart knowing He cannot take it away until it is my 'time' to go. Problem is, there are times I want it to be my 'time' There are times I get such anxiety and feel a desperate need for Him to, like a candle light a fire under me, illuminate the once happy place I used to fill my days with.  I wish there was a physical person "my person" I could go to and say  nothing, just cry.

I was in between appointments at Mayo Clinic and Maricopa Hospital the other day.  I needed to get new pillow cases, mine are all blood stained and bleached beyond repair.  I went into a TJMaxx I had my head wrap on, an older woman approached me and asked if I had gotten lip injections.  I was not feeling well, but was still so taken back by her question I just stared at her for a few seconds before I replied "ummm...No" I wanted to be classy and walk off without saying what I wanted to, but she wouldn't let it go, she had Margie with her (I'm assuming it was a friend) as I started to walk off she said "wait, you must of had a face lift?" I literally laughed as much as I could without it hurting, "Again, NO" she was relentless following me around the store, remember this was only a 2 day post 2nd surgery.  I let loose on a stranger....."Listen if I had just had lip injections, or a face life, I would tell you to stay away from this plastic surgeon, seriously ladies look at my face, I can't move my lips to talk, and I have lumps the size of marbles all over my cheeks, so with all due respect I'm going through a series of UNWANTED surgeries, I'm vulnerable and need you to back off" she looked at Margie and said "Well, she obviously doesn't want to hear what I have to say about her face lift"

I paid for my pillowcases sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel saying out loud "Why? Why do I get the coo coo's?"  I can honestly say at this point in my life, I am not opposed to women or men getting elective surgery, I had a breast lift years ago after having babies.  However, at this point in my life I am DONE with surgeries that are not necessary. This last surgery #25 has weakened me, my immune system is the lowest it's been.  I have a leakage coming from  the Perotid gland in my face (a salivary gland situated at the base of each ear.) If not attended to can cause major infection and all kinds of problems.  Doctor Lettieri injected my left cheek with 200 mg of medical grade botox to try and scar up the surrounding area and get that gland to stop leaking.  My take on BOTOX?  I'm not sure if this is the same type of Botox women and men get for cosmetic reasons, but there in no way in HELL I would ever do that for cosmetics--it seriously bruised and hurt very badly.  I think he said there were about 30-40 injections, my face looked like a roadmap from Phoenix to New York, with the permanent purple markings and the shots themselves. The bruising is just now turning that beautiful shade of yellow-green.  I can't seem to get my energy back, I'm tired all the time.  Some of my medicines were changed I may need to reevaluate that decision made by my doctor.

I often hear people say "you are so strong" "I couldn't do what you do" "You're such an inspiration"  what is true is that I am evidence that His love is real, but those strengths I seem to show to others are  truly the answer to the quote above, the one that struck me so deeply.  He is using me, my adversities to promote we can survive hard times, we are in the grace of his hands.