Sunday, December 25, 2011
There are times when I wish I could just jump inside his little brain and see what he is thinking. Autism, though sad in so many ways can also be very interesting. I've noticed that Recker is trying so hard to communicate with us, he knows a couple of words in sign. Kayla and Jeremy have taken him off of gluten and dairy, it seems to really make a difference in his moods and behavior. In my kitchen I have a candy jar with gluten free suckers, many times we will walk in the kitchen to find him staring up at the jar signing the word "PLEASE" how cute is he? He loves to watch Disney movies and sometimes will start laughing so hard we can't help but rewind over and over again to capture those moments. If there was only one wish I could have for this new year it would be to hear my darling grandson talk, maybe just say mom or dad those are easy right? I love to watch him as he plays alone, he babbles in a language only he understands, recently I was playing with him in my bedroom and needed to go downstairs for something as soon as I walked out of the room he ran after me grabbed my hand and brought me back into the bedroom, my eyes filled with tears, he is trying so hard to communicate.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Today I was searching on the Internet for some information about cancer, actually trying to find another book written by Dr. David Servan Schreiber, he wrote the ANTI CANCER a book I read shortly after getting out of radiation therapy. My research found that he had passed away in July 2011, just a few months ago. My heart hurt when I read this, his book has helped me to give up sugars, flours and preservatives for the past year and a half. I learned from him to live with NO REGRETS and this has been Eric and my theme for the past couple years. He lived much longer than he should have because he changed his way of eating, exercise and enviormental thinking.
This is the article I read about him:
Obituary: Dr. David Servan-Schreiber Empowered Cancer Patients
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I haven't blogged for a couple of weeks--oopsie daisey. Honestly it's been incredibly busy in my life. I am working 4 days a week now, lots of flights are being cancelled this time of year because of weather back East--when I talk to those stranded people I feel bad for them--but grateful that I was born and raised in Arizona--I endure the summer heat for a few months so I can love, love, love the winters here. I also have been spending a bunch of time at the Mayo Clinic in physical therapy a couple times a week with Pauline. Tomorrow I will going to the Mayo Hospital directly after work to see Dr. Freeman, he will bring his syringe full of pain meds to be injected into my right hip and lower back. Can you say ouch? Hopefully this will help with the pain and I will able to walk without a limp.
(the above was written yesterday)
I drove to Mayo Hospital today, not really knowing what to expect. As I walked through the doors it reeked of chemo and hospital smell. I sat in the waiting area across a man with an oxygen tank, he looked miserable, and things were about to get worse as he ran out of oxygen--his wife was yelling hysterically and the nurses were scattering to get him a new tank. Poor Mr. Brown, I know his name because they repeated it over and over again trying to get his attention, I really thought he was going to die. Behind me a woman was on the phone relaying a message to her family that someone "HE" had just passed away and they need to get to the hospital..to the left of me is a lady having an anxiety attack, by now my mind is thinking "concentrate Monya, don't pay any attention to what is going on around you" I wanted to cover my ears with my hands and sing a song to drown out all that was going on around me. The phone rang, it was Eric checking in on me, boy was I happy to hear his voice. Finally they sent me up to the 5th floor, pain clinic on the elevator we made a couple of stops, the woman who had a death in the family was on the elevator with me, she was crying I wanted to hug her, but felt like I needed to respect her boundaries. We made a stop on the 2nd floor and the Mayo Pastor got on the elevator, I noticed she was carrying a Bible and book labeled How to prepare for death. Whoa, today I'm getting a reality check, Mayo has a way of doing that to me. She only went up one floor and I noticed she was on the patients floor, probably going to visit a family--I was sad about that. We continued to the 5th floor, the lady with the tears went left and I went right--just like that those people were gone, they have no idea what an impression they left on me.....and I will likely never see them again.
I approach the pain clinic check in and they hand me a stack of papers to fill out, seriously??? what else could they possibly need from me, they know everything there
is to know, they've taken my boobs, my hair, my uterus and 100's of hours of my time. I will be waiting for an hour, today instead of anxiety meds I am going to read my scriptures while I wait, it worked. After an hour and a half of scripture study they called me back for the procedure. I really like Dr. Freeman, the procedure was not as bad as I had anticipated, but lets face it no one likes to be poked and prodded with needles. I decided as I sat in the recovery room that for today, just today I am tired of PROCEDURES, NEEDLES, INJECTIONS, & MAYO. Even as I type that out I feel guilty for feeling that way, I have so much to be grateful for, I am pretty darn blessed to have Dr. Freeman on my team of doctors, especially when there are so many people struggling today at Mayo.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
|I love this little guy with all my heart. Happy Thanksgiving Recker|
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The point to all of this is, our "normal's" change constantly in our life. I was not prepared for my "normal" to change, but it taught me to understand that I am not in charge. I learned to appreciate change, to figure out who I am and what I consider to be the most important, to live life to the fullest everyday living as if it were my last because things change constantly and without change we don't progress and grow.
One of the most important lessons I have learned during this journey called LIFE is the Lord is in control HE knows the beginning, middle and end HE loves me, and that when I listen for answers they always come, maybe not today or tomorrow but they always come.
Friday, November 11, 2011
October was National Breast Cancer Awareness month, and although I am a supporter of finding a cure, I also believe that every cancer deserves to be recognized and mentioned as much as breast cancer is. Some of the largest money makers out there are doing just that MAKING MONEY and putting it in their pockets, not using the money to go towards the cause, very few non profit organizations give 100% back to the cause, in fact one of the largest "non-profit" organizations made over 300 million dollars in 2010 and only 20% went into actual research or programs for breast cancer patients. When people ask me about supporting breast cancer awareness month I always say I do support it but I always make sure where my money is going before I give to a non-profit organization. ACS supports all research and 100% of all money made through fund raising goes right back into the programs they have for cancer patients and their families.. I LOVE IT.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
|1/2 marathon in Mesa Arizona|
I met a new doctor, he walked in said "hello, nice to meet you" in his darling cute German accent, then it was all business after that- he never smiled or looked at me in the face, he had me doing all these different walks, on my toes, on my heels, walk there, walk here and never once smiled or looked at me-me, as in looked at my face or eyes--so I'm just going to say it -- he will never be a
Dr. Peter Kreymerman-- he then ordered more tests and sent me to the physical therapist-- the entire time looking at his paper work, computer or elsewhere-- so it was "good- bye Dr. what's his face"
Funny thing about Dr. what's his face, the next day while I was waiting to see the physical therapist he walked by looked at me and smiled, I don't think he even knows I'm his patient and I am waiting in this waiting room because he ordered me to-- however, I Love my physical therapist her name is Pauline Lucas. Good thing I like her we will be spending some time together, 6 weeks of PT 2 times a week. I will also be getting cortisone shots in my hip and back to help with the pain-- they, (Dr. what's his face) diagnosed my hip with bursitis and my back is the arthritis caused from the amounts of chemo I received. Pauline, wants me to keep a log of what exercise I am doing every week--she was a little concerned when I told her how much I was running, the cycling she said was a bit obsessive too, I was advised that a woman "my age" should not be doing an access amount of exercise because it is damaging more than healing..."too old, a woman my age?" seriously? what about the 100 year old man who finished a marathon a couple weeks ago? I have now been told a few times by doctors that I should not be running the amount of miles I run every week--but a part of me wants so badly to run a marathon--it's difficult for me to embrace the words "you can't do it" I promised not to race next Saturday in the 1/2 marathon I've been so earnestly training for, but I did not promise not to do the 5K or 10K--WHAT A RIP OFF I'M BUMMED--I refuse to crawl up in a rocking chair and die -- for an athlete like myself it is really hard to cut back on the things I love to do.... I've always been drivin to do better and go further in each run, with my heart monitor watch on constantly seeing how much faster I need to go to beat yesterdays score I track my scores to be able to better my stride and endurance. I've learned from this experience that listening to my doctors advice is probably the best way to go about accomplishing in the end what I need or want for myself, every time I think I know better I end up right back at the beginning, with nothing accomplished--sometimes I feel Like this is what happens when I refuse to listen to answers to prayers too I get in the way of my own progression--I wonder why it is that sometimes we think we know more about ourselves then the Lord does--with that being said I am really, really sad not to be able to run the marathon next weekend--when the doctors talk to me this is what I hear "you are one of the most healthy patient I have ever had" then the bomb hits "but-you are also the most unhealty patient I have ever had because every side effect you could possibly get from chemo and radiation has happened to you"
-but when I put it all in perspective it could always be worse--
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Just when I thought I was done with neuropathy.... surprise it's back. My legs feel like the nerves have been exposed to the air again, the pain is sometimes excruciating. I am learning that a small percentage of people who get neuropathy from the effects of chemo have to deal with it off and on for life--yes, I am one of those people--no big deal I can handle it--
What IS difficult for me to handle is when I talk to women who have stage 1 or 2 breast cancer and now they have recurrence--today when I was at work one of my friends who I have not seen for awhile came over to talk to me, she was wearing a pink beanie to cover her bald head--she went through a double mastectomy a year and a half before I did, (stage 2) now it has metastasized to her lungs--she showed me the xrays --I can not stop thinking about her today. Cancer really is this ugly VILLAIN, it invades lives, and just when you think you've turned a corner looking to a bright future BOOM it's back to haunt and taunt you, whether a recurrence or side effects it never goes away.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Yesterday Blake spoke in church, he did a beautiful job speaking about the experiences he has had the last 2 years while serving the people in the Dominican Republic. I was touched listening to him talk about the power of the Atonement in his life-it seems the best conversion story was his own. His Spanish is flawless, I love to listen to him. Someone said to me very non-chalantly "so glad you could be here today" at 1st I thought "what are they talking about? I'm here, every week, what does that mean?" then my thoughts immediately went to "you have no idea how glad I am to be here" HERE as in here on earth, still alive able to see the success of my son, to hear him speak in Spanish so fluently, to see his passion and love for what he believes in, "Oh yes, I am so glad I'm here too!"
This morning I woke up, knowing I was going to spend the day at Mayo Clinic, I have this love/hate relationship with that place. I love it for obvious reasons, and I hate it for more obvious reasons. The drive to Mayo was much shorter than I expected, my thoughts were wondering--kinda scary for anyone driving down the beeline highway today--some of the things I was thinking about -- the mountains are beautiful, the dessert is dry and I am wondering who I will meet today.
The 3rd floor smells like always--of sickness and chemo, there is a stench difficult for me to stomach, especially when I am so nauseated anyway--as I sit in the waiting area I see, like always sick people, some look really, really sick I wish I could hug them and tell them everything will be OK, but I know just as well as they do there are no guarantees with the VILLAIN. I'm not there for long, my name was called within a few minutes as I walk into the infusion lab and see it loaded with people today, it made my heart sad for each of them--my nurse today is Allison, she is pregnant--seriously? can she smell what I smell? I wonder how does that work for her? So... I asked her "do these smells bother you?" her response "what smells?" WOW what just happened? it's hard to believe she can't smell the same things I smell.
|Linda-Stage 4 Colon Cancer-What a blessing she is to|
her family--so happy and positive
|Jenny-- stage 1 Breast Cancer--her husband shaved|
his head to match hers--they have a 17 month old baby
|Dan-stage 4 colon cancer-metastisized to his lung--|
so happy and full of life
|Sandy--stage 4 extremely rare cancer--going in tomorrow|
to have his bladder removed--will have to wear a colostomy
bag for the rest of his life-yet he made me laugh--
I loved visiting with him
After spending more than an hour and half in the infusion lab, I was off to get my bone mineral analysis, and X-Rays. I have always wondered why they make me undress and put on the hospital gown, I thought those machines could see through clothes--they can see through clothes at the airport.
By now I have a splitting head ache--I think trying NOT to be effected by everything going on at Mayo, I get the opposite effect--every little thing I see, hear and smell drains me. I started early this morning, looking at my watch as I wait for Maryann I can see the time is now 2:30, I won't be out of here for a couple more hours. These are questions I have for Maryann:
1. Can I see Dr. Northfelt at least once a year
2. Why am I so nauseated
3. Why am I in so much pain, legs and hip
4. Why does everything taste like metal
5. Why am I having headaches and insomnia
These are the answers I got from her:
✓1. Yes, I need to see Dr. Northfelt, its not too much to ask, especially since I will be seeing him for years to come, its important for me to have the reassurance from my oncologist once a year.
✓2. The pain my body is in is causing the nausea
✓3. The Xray is showing a spot on my hip bone and lower back caused from the osteoperosis, neuropathy is still in my legs caused from the chemo--
✓4. Forgot to get answer about that one--
✓5. Not sure about the headaches, she wants me to stop taking the Arimidex for 2 weeks and see if they go away, insomnia is part of the process--its not going away.
Maryann is going to call me in 2 weeks to check on me, and get an update about some of the conditions.
I'm also being referred to the Physical Medicine unit at the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix. Maryann told me they will be able to get to the bottom of the spots on my hip and back. Leaving Mayo today I'm satisfied that all my questions were answered. I loved meeting all the wonderful patients in the infusion lab, I realized for the 1st time today that this journey is life long--sad but true.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
I fear that my body is giving in, giving in to the VILLAIN--or am I just getting old and this is what happens? What ever it is--I say NO, I don't like it it feels weird to be up at 2 am writing about stuff I know nothing about, except that I do know the pain I am in is real, Next week I will go see Dr. Northfelt well more like Maryann Forrett for my oncology visit--I have a few things we need to talk about, 1st off I want to ask if I could at least see Dr. N once a year I need the reassurance from him. Marayann is wonderful and I love her but for me at least I need to see my oncologists face once in awhile. Dr. N is so busy, he is a big part of the administrative end of oncology at Mayo Clinic but I need a dr who wants to grace me with his or her presence once in a while. My list of stuff to ask about is getting longer an longer, Maryann is in for a treat when I go to Mayo on Monday.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
I checked off in my head
*BE ALIVE WHEN BLAKE COMES HOME ✔
*BE HAPPY ✔
I looked up in the sky and in perfect formation were birds forming a check mark, I smiled really big and stared at them until they passed, still not believing what I had just seen I turned around looked up and saw nothing but blue skies...where were the birds? They were no where to be found, within seconds they were gone, at that very moment I knew that Heavenly Father was giving me a sign, HE was confirming to me that HE lives, that HE hears me and answers my prayers. My ultimate goal and prayer has always been to be alive and be happy when Blake got home, I can honestly say I can check those 2 off my list. It's so surreal to have him home, so much has happened in 2 years not only in my life but especially in Blake's. I can see the tenderness in his eyes, he is so compassionate and sincere, having a new missionary home is like bringing home a new baby--so much to learn, and I want to soak it all up while I can.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I want to explain to some of my friends who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints, exactly what a mission is so you can understand the emotion behind why I was acting like a weirdo mother at the sight of my son after 2 years of service. When a young man chooses to serve a mission (usually at the age of 19) they have usually prepared for this their entire life. While these boys serve the Lord they are given strict rules to show their obedience and devotion to the work they are doing. The are given the opportunity to call their families on Christmas and Mothers Day, other than those days they do not speak to family or friends while they are gone, they are also given the opportunity once a week to email family. Just like anything in life when we are able to devote our time or talents without distractions of girlfriends, boyfriends or life we are able to accomplish so much more. These young men cannot have physical contact with females while they serve, again that could and would be another distraction and they are on their mission to do the Lords work and spread the word of the gospel and what we believe in.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
When you turned nineteen, and decided not to go
my heart ached for what you didn't know.
Times were rough, and thoughts weren't clear
deep inside I was glad you were still here.
Dad and I raised you in the Church, saying
"where will you go?"
your answer to us was "NO"
I prayed morning and night, wanting
everything to be just right.
I'll never forget the day of your call
it was such a shock to us all,
seems you too had been praying and preparing.
Tears of joy filled my eyes, for now I knew
and could empathize-
You would go out and tell
of Heavenly Fathers Plan
and how Adam fell.
When my diagnosis returned positive for cancer
I cried "no, this can't be"
I wanted a different answer.
You were given a blessing that said
"your mom will be here"
then I begged the Lord to take away your fear.
The day I hugged you good-bye,
I wasn't quite sure how I'd get by.
As I felt my heart explode in my chest,
I knew it was time to let the Lord do the rest.
Every letter, Christmas and Mother's day
there was so much to say,
you were serving the Lord, and it made me glad
to hear you so happy for good days and bad
Now those two years have gone so fast,
soon you will be home with us at last.
Our family has been so blessed, you have
served with honor and done your best.
When people ask me "how did you survive your fight?"
I look at them and say "because I have a son who chose
to share HIS light"
I love you Elder Blake Williams-Happy Birthday
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
|Saying Goodbye was so hard Sept 23rd 2009|
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Just when I started to feel a little sorry for myself, I would get a phone call from someone stranded trying to get to their loved ones funeral, or wedding, a lady who's brother's remains were being sent, he died in service to our Country, people sleeping in hostel's or sleeping at the airport for a week because they cannot afford a hotel/motel or they were all booked to capacity, so many desperate stories of people's lives, it touched me and brought me back to reality. I really do have so much to be grateful for. LIVE FREE LIFE IS GOOD
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I've been thinking a lot this week about what the words "I LOVE YOU" mean to me. So many songs are written about this word LOVE, just about every "chick flick" has to do with LOVE .... does it have different meanings to different people? From the beginning of time there has been LOVE, Adam and Eve were created to LOVE one another, and through all generations of time LOVE has been interpreted in so many ways.
Is LOVE taught, or are we born with that natural instinct? Even though I never heard the words " I love You" growing up, I'm pretty sure my mother loved me.... I mean seriously how could you not, right? ha ha
No really seriously, I think when a mother holds her baby in her arms for the 1st time, at least this is how it was for me--it was instant LOVE--more than LOVE it was I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, I want to protect and care for you forever and ever. This type of LOVE grows for a mother and father as they learn to serve that child everyday, changing diapers, bathing, soothing, burping, cleaning up after, restless nights with no sleep--that kind of service and sacrifice can only be understood by a parent who unconditionally loves-- As the child grows they too, learn to say "I LOVE YOU" they learn to trust in you and respect you for the rules that have been set in the home--then something happens when they become teenagers--pushing the buttons, trying to get away with things, some rebel more than others and make it difficult to LOVE unconditionally-- some teens may stop saying the words "I love you" they may even act as if they don't want to hear it from you, but we never stop saying it those are the years they need to hear it the most, so faithfully we continue to love them, we get on our knees praying morning and night hoping they will understand why they need to be obedient. The most rewarding words I have ever heard from my children were "I love you, because you loved me no matter what"
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Once again I am feeling like I need help from my Heavenly Father to keep my soul still and lift me through the thorny parts of life. I have learned to listen to my heart, and search my soul, but I sometimes still doubt myself and pray that I am making the right decisions..there are things sometimes we need to let go, but still I question if I am doing all the Lord wants me to. I so want that chapter of my life to be over--but how?
I spoke today with my mother's bishop and he advised me that she is not doing well and refuses to get the proper help that she needs, the church has done all they can do to help her financially, physically and spiritually--they will continue to help her financially however, he explained that she needs 24 hour care, she cannot take care of herself, she told him and others that she will not move away from her home. I asked him if I could help financially, he said he wished it was that easy--Her heart has become so hard, the women from the church have gone over and helped her dress morning and night, take her doctor appointments, clean the house, and so much more. She has blamed them of stealing things, and over stepped her boundries with these wonderful woman, she has caused them all to run. Oh how I wish this was easier, for years I have prayed that she would soften her heart. Going through my cancer treatments I was so grateful to have family and friends to help me, but I have always longed for a mother to love me, to laugh with, cry with and share with. I am trying to recover from the last couple of years, I have learned to rely on the Lord for everything--I love deeper, feel more compassion, look at life as a gift, always talk about service to others, and treasure everyday I wake up to children I adore and a husband who keeps me smiling. Now, as I am faced with this, I wonder what I am supposed to learn--If I thought for one second I could change her heart I would be at her doorstep in a heartbeat--but I'm scared, I've been so hurt, the Lord has answered so many prayers in this respect telling me to move forward and live my life, be the mother I always wanted my mom to be, be the wife I dreamed of being as a teenager. I've been told over and over again to stay away from stress, my doctors have warned me adding excessive stress can feed my type of cancer--I know that should be the answer right? It's not that simple, she's my mother--our Heavenly Father would not turn his back on any of his children, non of them, so now what? I can feel the anxiety coming on right now--
(the above was written by me on Sunday)
Today is Tuesday, I am just now getting around to writing about some of the experiences I have had this week. Sunday after I spoke with my mother's bishop I decided I really needed to pray about this situation--so as usual I found a quite space in my son Blake's room and knelt to pray for guidance in this situation I've been placed in. That night I had a hard time sleeping, but finally got my mind to think of my happy place in Paris--I fell asleep and dreamed, I dreamed of a time when my mother was soft and gentle--in this dream I was perfectly aware of the life I am in right now, but was feeling the emotions of a child --this part is hard to explain. I went to my kitchen table and wrote a letter, a heart-felt letter, one of love and compassion but also one letting her know how I feel today as a woman, a woman who knows what it is to be a mother, a wife and most important a daughter of God. In this letter there was no blaming or accusations of any type, just allowing myself to hopefully let her see a part of my heart that she has never known--then the next part of the dream I mailed the letter to her Bishop and asked him to read it to her--I woke from the dream and knew that my prayers had been answered, I need to write that letter. I love that the Lord knows that I need him every hour, even while I'm sleeping.
Monday, August 15, 2011
WOW. life just comes atcha sometimes. Recently I posted a blog about getting away from life's trials, after this post I received dozens of emails asking me to tell more about what happened with Trystan. One person left an anonymous comment, that left me to believe it was Trystan ....Over the past few years I have posted so much personal stuff about my life and there are times people will leave an anonymous comment, those have never bothered me because I understand and can appreciate if they want to express to me how they feel without revealing who they are thank you for your comments by the way I look forward to seeing them, if it was you Trys I hope your life is going well I continue to pray for you, if it was not Trystan I hope you will understand why I am cautious.
With a lot of prayer and consideration I decided I would blog about some of the details of what happened with Trystan and how we came to find out she was not being truthful. Please know that I, in no way shape or form want to re-live this again, it has been a terrible experience and I am still trying to make some sense out of it. With that being said I also want to make some awareness so that others will not have to go through this, actually most of you are much wiser than I am and would not allow yourself to be put in this situation, but if you know someone like me have them read this if you feel they are.