New Baby Coming

Today, as I entered the Mayo Clinic there was no piano playing.  I proceeded to the lab to get blood drawn and tests necessary.  My nest stop was to see Doctor Northfelt my oncologist.  I had an hour and a half wait.  I heard the piano playing and decided to sit and wait in the peaceful lobby.  I listened to the waterfall, occasionally I could hear doctors and patients interacting as they walked by. But today I was grateful I could really enjoy the music coming from the Piano.  This was much better than sitting on the 3rd floor and smelling the sickness of chemo in the air.  I put my head back and closed my eyes.  He started to play a medley of songs from The Sound of Music (my favorite movie of all time)  It was enchanting to listen to. I remembered when Eric and I visited Austria a few years ago after I finished my rounds of chemo and radiation.  As each song played I pictured that day we visited.  I am one blessed lady.  While there have been so many distractions in my life the past few years I have been blessed with so much.  Patience is a virtue I never thought I could conquer, but in the case of my health I have learned it is invaluable.  I have been blessed with incredible doctors all from Mayo Clinic, and Doctor Haberkamp from Cleveland Clinic.

Last Sunday Blake and Chloe announced they are expecting their first baby in February. The door bell rang, I answered and outside was a set of 3 balloons with a note that said to read to the Family. I was then asked to pop the balloon that reads #1 on it, so I did. Inside was an ultrasound picture.  I quickly, wanted to read note #2 it read that someone in the family would be bringing grandchild #4 to join us in February.  I thought for sure it was Kaitlyn and Brian.  Scott and Haleigh, Blake and Chloe have all been very verbal about waiting to have children.  The 3rd balloon was supposed to be popped by Eric, but I just couldn't wait.  Oh, and I forgot to mention I was popping these balloons with a butcher knife.  I quickly popped #3 to find out who it was.........Blake and Chloe......... Chloe said "Monya look at the color of the confetti inside the balloon....." it was PINK.  This will be our first grand daughter.  I of course went bizzurk running around crying, happy, hugging them all the while with the butcher knife in my hand.....I'm pretty sure it was an ugly sight and I might have said a curse word.......Eric and I are so happy.  Blake has been such a great brother to his sisters, and compassionate and loving to me and to Chloe he will be an incredible dad.  Chloe is so great with all the nephews and really loves them, I know she is going to be a wonderful mother.  I keep thinking about her mom who passed away with cancer during the time I was going through chemo.  She is with our little grand daughter now, sharing with her all the love she has and passing on a legacy for Chloe to follow.

Love Shouldn't Hurt🚩

For some people who have felt the deep scars of inadequacy after being battered, whether spiritually, physically, verbally or mentally it may take longer to heal and recover, but the truth is when you love or are loved, it should never hurt.  This truth took me many years to figure out.

Being abused as a child leaves open wounds that can take years to remove, and in many cases there open wounds never completely heal, as years pass and abuse continues the victim often times molds into the life they've been accustomed to. In other words, it becomes NORMAL,  the perpetrator is successful, he/she wins the battle.

Constant hyper critical words can totally invalidate or erase the occasional words of affirmation the victim may hear.

EXAMPLE:  I was told I was ugly, too skinny, too stupid and ignored when trying so desperately to be heard and acknowledged as a child/teenager.  As a result of this I went to school everyday believing it was true--So I really was not that great of a student.

I remember a couple of times being validated by teachers I will never forget:
In 1st grade (yes I remember this far back) Mrs. Davis told me the winter tree I had drawn was the "Best" she'd ever seen--
another example was Mrs. Fish, she was my 2nd grade teacher.  We were given a project to draw an insect and label the parts, the anatomy.  I spent hours on it, Mrs. Fish loved it so much she asked if she could keep it and use it for future students to see, she actually wanted to frame it and hang it in her room.  I will never forget that moment.  Those 2 compliments got me through elementary school.

One time in middle school I can remember my mom telling me one day "Monya, you have the great ability to forgive, forget and move on" I really don't remember why, or the context of the entire conversation, all I remember is how it made me feel, she noticed me, something about me she liked.
I remember this so vividly, exactly where I was standing in our living room, and even what I was wearing.  Those words of affirmation, although brief, validated me.  Those words have stayed with me for life.  I absolutely do not blame my mother, now as an adult I realize she was doing the best she could do, and who am I to decide what another person's "best" is?

Even though I never once heard the words "I Love You" until I met Eric, I believe those 3 little words are worthless unless you are able to show it.  So, even if I had heard those words as a child, I think it would of messed me up even more.  A person who smacks their wife or kids around one day, then the next day says "I Love You" does not know what LOVE is, this behavior is painful and confusing..LOVE DOESN'T HURT.

I can truly confess that I can't remember loving myself until I started my cancer journey.  The chronic betrayal I endured for years forced me to stop loving and trusting myself.  Irreversible damage was done---I am a typical "text book" victim of abuse, it is typical for the victims to feel unnecessarily guilty.  My main concern as a child was my mom, if I told her what was happening when she was not home, one of two things could happen:

1. she'd leave him and be forced to suffer through another divorce
or
2. He would kill her, me or my sisters (the textbook threats of a perpetrator)

either way, both of these choices were not an option for me because I would of caused this awful pain my mother would have to endure. I can't believe I actually thought this, as most victims of abuse do.

My biological father Colby, was indulged in drugs and alcohol in the 60's.  My mom was so young and "in love" they were high school sweethearts, his family loved her, he seemed to be "in love" with her and they married at a very young age.  One night in a drunken/drugged rage he hit me up side the head, broke my eardrum and then passed out on the sofa.  When my mother came home from work, she found her 3 years old little  blonde headed girl, sobbing, holding my ear blood running down my arm and she immediately took me to the ER.  From that point on throughout my childhood years I endured many, many surgeries trying to repair the damage, to this day I am deaf in my right ear.   My mother divorced Colby, it was devastating on him and on his family.  They were a large family and loved my mother so much, my aunt told me it was like having a death in the family.  Over the years they tried their hardest to keep a relationship with my sisters and I, but it was  difficult years.  Colby went to prison and remained there until I was at least 18, so honestly I didn't really remember him growing up.  I just remember about the time I was 14 thinking "where is he? why is he not protecting me?" When I was 18 he came back into my life--he scattered those connections with me for years a part, finally one day when I was visiting my grandmother  (his mom) in Eagar Arizona I decided to go visit him in the jail he was in--I drove to see him, and I told him exactly what I thought of him, it was not a pretty sight, anyone within ears distance of a 1/2 mile or so could hear, when I finished it felt to good--It was like I had finally released every negative thought I ever had of him, interesting enough, the issue of my deafness and my ear problem never came up--I was way past all that, it was part of my life and I really was so young I didn't know any difference.  What I did find out, was no matter how much I told him I had forgiven him for that one act of violence, he could never forgive himself for what he had done.  He was a sensitive man when it came to "his girls"  I truly believe he tried so hard to become sober, but when he did, he would call me and the wounds would open up again for him and the drinking would start all over again--sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest part of the Atonement of Christ.  It was a difficult process to watch him go through, up to the day he took his last breath he was worried about me and the pain he had caused me--having the knowledge of our Saviors Atonement tells me that he has been forgiven, and has now moved on to dwell in a better place than he did while he was on earth.
In respect to this post, do I think he loved me? Yes, I do, his behavior was random and not perpetual, the drug and alcohol abuse were more powerful, and controlled him to the point of not being physically able to raise three children and be an effective dad.  BIGGEST REGRET OF HIS LIFE.

I know this may sound like a contradiction to everything I just posted about "love not hurting" but there is a difference.  Although, Colby was unable to be an active responsible father in my life, he recognized his faults and asked for forgiveness, admitted to his wrong behavior and yes, he loved me.

The bottom line for me, is that families, fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents we all say things that HURT--I've have most definitely done it as a mother and wife.  Does this mean I don't love my children or husband? Of course not, however, words can leave a scar that will not wound.  When this happens put your arms around that person tell them you are so sorry, that you love them and would never want to hurt them, and move on.  This is not chronic abusive behavior, this is family life--and not always at it's finest moments--I will never blame my childhood on the mother I am today, I am old enough to know right from wrong and I take responsibility for my own actions.
I am grateful for those lifetime experiences that brought me to where I am today, boy I have so much more to learn, all I can hope is that the next generation will be better than I was.

Sticks and Stones🚩

Remember the phrase? "sticks and stones, may break your bones, but words will never hurt you?" Who ever came up with that saying was a little off their rocker--sticks and stones will certainly hurt bones, and scratch the skin, but words, oh words can leave a lasting sting on the heart and soul.

Even at my old age of 50, words can hurt.  They can penetrate a heart and soul and for many leave a lifelong scar.  It's interesting, we sometimes say the harshest words to the ones we love the most. Why is that?  Maybe because we know them the best and we know what will hurt them, maybe we know they will forgive us, especially when it is family.  I was so upset a couple of weeks ago, my daughter was wearing a pair of pants that belonged to me, and although this was not the source of my anger, it escalated into me telling her to take them off before she went home, I did this in anger, and immediately felt the pain I had caused her--of course an apology was necessary, and I'm quite sure this will be a comical story told at my funeral or memorial service one day when I am long gone, but truly as I write this now I am embarrassed and sorry for how I treated her, it was not necessary.

I was deeply saddened by words spoken to me recently, it's going to take a long time to get those echoing words out of my mind, and then out of my heart, not necessarily by a family member, but even a complete stranger can not knowingly trigger a memory or  thought that can hurt.

One of the only compliments I ever heard my mother give me growing up, was that I had the ability to be stung by the words of others, sting back (sometimes unnecessarily) get over it, and move on.
In so many ways I am still that little girl,  I am usually not effected by the words of others, unless they are words of wisdom I can use in my life. Other than those words I try to keep the negative out, but I have this nasty side of me that comes out like the devil sometimes, you know when someone says something mean about one of your children?  That mother hen comes out and fights for her own.

It's amazing to me how a song or smell can take me right back to my childhood, or teen years.  There are certain songs I listened to during difficult times in my life, that now I cannot stand to have my ears hear.  There is a smell that will take me back to an awful memory of life.  However, there are tender moments with music that will immediately take me back to a grateful place, a place to keep me grounded and happy for who I am, and what I believe in.

The Lord gives us the ability to forgive others, this is a commandment.  For so many years I wondered how this was possible, how could our Heavenly Father ask us to forgive those who had hurt me so deeply, especially the people in my life who I was sent to from Heaven to be protected by and loved unconditionally for eternity.  I soon realized it was my responsibility to form my own relationships with others respectfully and worthily.  As a young mother, I was unsuccessful in doing these things, I tried so hard to keep my covenants, but many times missed the mark by raising my voice or speaking unkindly to my children or my husband.  I realize now after attending the temple on a regular basis that Satan has his ways of  getting us to follow him, then he says "now go and get someone else to do this too" oh how evil enjoys company, and so many of us follow as it is so tempting to act out instead of embrace and say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" so much of this selfishness we portray is Satan getting his way, prompting us to follow in his ways. I promise those ways will bring you into the darkness and can be a black whole hard to get out of.

Recognize the good in others, not their stains. At times a stain needs appropriate attention to be cleansed, but always build on his or her virtues.

When you feel that there is only a thin thread of hope, it is really not a thread but a massive connecting link, like a life preserver to strengthen and lift you. It will provide comfort so you can cease to fear. Strive to live worthily and place your trust in the Lord.

We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do all of the things that the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time.--Richard Scott.

I love you my sweet children, there is nothing you will ever do or say that can take away my unconditional love for you--

   

Let The Light Shine

I think sometimes it's hard in life to keep ourselves in the "Light" for me it has been a constant and continuous struggle.  I remember being a young child and wishing my life was different, the darkness of my life seemed to continue to spiral into an endless tunnel of blackness.

 There was a time when I was profoundly misunderstood by so many people around me, teachers could not understand why I stared out windows during class, obviously not able to concentrate on what was being taught in class.  I recently found my report cards from elementary school, for many years each teacher would comment saying "Monya seems to have a difficult time concentrating during class" or "Monya is  not able to keep up what is being taught" year after year these were the comments by each teacher, I wonder now, why my mother did not pay more attention to the signs.  Being deaf in one ear and the tallest child in class always landed me a seat on the back row of classrooms. Maybe this is why it was so difficult for me to concentrate, perhaps I could not hear what was being taught, it was at those vulnerable young years that I learned to read lips in order to see what the teachers were saying, and even then I only caught half of it.

 We had wooden desks that opened where we could put our books and # 2 pencils, for me they were a place to smash my fingers between the wood trying make my fingers bleed, maybe the pain would take a bit of the pain I was feeling in my heart,  Young and impressionable, I didn't understand divorce, it was not explained to me, where was my dad and who was this other man taking, or trying to take his place?  I know my mother was doing the best she could, but now looking back I realize she was a victim also, and perhaps was even afraid of her future with 3 young girls to raise.

For a child who endures the process of a divorce, they sometimes become more of a commodity than the most important piece of a puzzle.  For so many of us we become like leftovers in the fridge, only looked at or considered if there is nothing new or more interesting to engage in, pushed to  the side hoping to one day be discovered,  unfortunately by that time it is too late, and the leftover has spoiled and needing to be thrown out.  For some, even most people especially those raised in a home of respectful love and unconditional love the thought of this type of life is unthinkable.  For me it was a reality, for so many children today it is a reality. 

As years moved forward, I never really pulled myself from that darkness, the wounds were deep and seemed to scar my soul to the point of not actually letting any person in, sure I had friends in my ward, Linda and Jamie were my best friends and I still love them deeply, however, those two were truly best friends I was just the tag a long.  I distinctly remember one time Linda came to pick me up and as we were driving, I remembered I had not kissed my father goodbye, I asked her if she could please take me back.  Later as we discussed some of the dysfunction that was happening in my home she too remembered that story, only she remember thinking "I wish I had that type of relationship with my father" Linda's father is a quiet humble man, and not a member of the church, I think she silently always wished he had joined, and I always silently wished my dad was more like him.  I had plenty of "friends" in high school, I was the one everyone thought was funny, made jokes I tried to disguise the ridicule and abuse happening in my home with either complete silence or a joke to cover up an awkward situation.  Yes, I think it is safe to say, on display for everyone to see,  was a perfectly well put together family, loving, kind and respectful.  But truth is, I dressed in my closet, feared my fathers voice and  flinched every time he raised his hand to scratch his head, for fear he was going to slap or hit me.  Many times the hurt was not the physical or sexual abuse that hurt the most, it was the words, the penetrating words of belittlement and discouragement--protection came from not letting myself feel--believing and accepting the fact that this was my life, this was who I was and there was no future for me, "no man will ever want you and no doctor will ever be able to heal you"--those words rang clearly in my head--I became numb to any compliment that would often come my way through others in the church.

Stan Johnson, my seminary teacher during high school, was a great influence in my life.  He showed a movie called Cypher in the Snow, in Seminary one time, WHAT? was this real? There were other children in the world who were being miss treated, were there children actually dying of a broken heart?  I did not want that to happen to me, but deep inside I knew I was one of those cyphers in the snow.  I needed to find a way to bring myself out of this aching heartbreak I was feeling.
As Brother Johnson taught me day after day in class, I learned that the Heavenly Father I had been praying to was real, I learned about the spirit of Jesus Christ, as soon as I began to consciously yearn for that spirit to be in my life. I began to open my eyes and see the goodness around me, to hear the spirit whisper to me saying "you are a daughter of God, HE has a place for you, choose to walk in the Light of Christ"  There is an amount of faith that comes with leaving the darkness and trying to let the light shine in our lives. I was, and still do sometimes sneak back into a little shadow of darkness, this is the darkness in which Satan wants us all to live in.   Happiness and Light in our lives is a choice, no matter what our circumstances, we have a choice to lift the lives of others with our light or to bring others down with our darkness.  Satan, well Satan does not want to be alone, he always grabs and takes who he can, then he encourages them to go and get others to follow--I choose to stay in the Light.  There are many times I still feel fear, have loneliness, and need reassurance from my Heavenly Father, it is in those times I get on my knees and pray for that light to enter my heart.

Julie Greer once taught me "the spirit can only grow in the light, nothing can grow in the dark"

Where was God?

As our country is mourning the loss of 20 kindergarten children who were so tragically gunned downed and killed in their classroom, the question has come up "Where was God?" One of the most ignorant things I think I have ever heard came out of the mouth of Bryan Fischer from the American Family Association:

"Where was God when all this went down? and here's the bottom line: God is not gonna go where he is not wanted....We've kicked God out of our public schools system, and I think God would say, "Hey I'll be glad to protect your children, but you've gotta invite me back into your world first, I'm not gonna go where I'm not wanted, I'm a gentleman"

This quote broke my heart to hear, I believe God has never left me behind during any tragedy I have been through, and he did not leave that school because a mad young man made a choice to take the lives of innocent children.  I also believe we are here on earth to prove ourselves worthy to live with him again, we were all given agency to choose right from wrong when we came to this earth to live. If that agency was taken away every time a tragedy was about to happen, there would be no growing or learning on our parts, there would be no progression. LIVE LEARN AND GROW

 Yes, I believe in miracles and I think they happen everyday, and yes, I believe our Heavenly Father can prevent some tragedies from happening and more than likely he has done this more times than we know, however, to make a comment that God is too much of a gentleman to prevent those children from being killed is absolutely ignorant.  God is not a proud man, he is meek and humble.  I think it is sad some Americans have decided to take God out of our school system, but those are just words removed from an allegiance we made as a country, no one can take God out of our hearts, we feel him, we know of his love for us and all of his children, he will never leave us.  These are things that should be taught in the home, not in a school.

What would your sign say?

~ Never Judge Anyone ~

A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call ASAP, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block. 
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor. Once seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”

The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call…… And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”

“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily

The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Bible “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”. Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”

“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.

The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank God! Your son is saved!”

And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running. “If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”

“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.

The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery. And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”

NEVER JUDGE ANYONE because you never know how their life is and as to what is happening or what they’re going through. 

I have thought about this story a lot lately.  One of my favorite movies is called "For Love Of The Game" with Kevin Costner during the movie the girl he is dating says that she wishes everyone could wear a sign around their neck saying what kind of mood they were in or what was happening in their lives so we could just know and treat them different.  Sunday a lesson was given with this exact same concept in mind and I just loved the message.  Maybe we would be less critical of each other if we knew what people were going through in their private lives.  What if the sign said "My husband just left me"  "I just lost my job"  "someone in my family is dealing with addiction"  "my marriage is struggling"  "my child was just diagnosed with Autism"  "I lost my job"  "I lost my home"  "I'm being abused"  "my child is rebelling" and the list can go on....the point is we all need to be a little more kind toward everyone we meet, unfortunately our Heavenly Father is the only one who knows all of what we are going through, and HE is really the ultimate judge.

Donations? Beware

As all the ads and commercials start their campaigning to "Fight Against Breast Cancer" walks and runs, please do your homework before donating to any of them.  I was shocked as I researched to see just how much money is donated directly to help breast cancer patients, one of the Huge supposedly "non-profit" organizations kept 80% of the proceeds for employees and personal gain in 2010 and 2011.  Which means if you do the math only 20% went to the actual cause--

There are a lot of great non-profit organizations out there to donate to if you are interested in donating specifically to cancer in general--American Cancer Society is one of them that our family supports, 100% of proceeds from fundraising goes directly to patients. ACS has programs to house families who need to have shelter during chemo and radiation, one of the programs gives women who lose their hair meetings they can go to and learn how to do makeup and gives them scarves and wigs--they also have shuttle services available to pick patients up and take them to and from their treatments--

Just beware of who you are donating to and what they are specifically doing with the money.

Average Prices Then and Now

Just for posterity sake I want to journal the differences between the prices on items from when I was child to now.  The economy is so bad right now and so many people are losing their homes and jobs, it makes me really sad.  THESE ARE ALL AVERAGES


                               1971                 1981                  1991                       2001                      2011

gallon of milk        $1.18               $2.22                    $2.80                    $1.99                    $3.50

dozen eggs                .53                    .90                    $1.01                    $1.10                   $2.00

gallon of gas             .36                $1.38                    $1.14                    $1.46                    $3.74

movie ticket           $1.65               $2.78                    $4.21                    $5.66                    $7.89

loaf of bread              .95               $1.12                    $1.25                    $1.89                    $2.78

postage stamp            .08                   .18                       .29                        .34                         .42

cost of a new

home                 $25,000              $68,000              $118,000              $171,000             $213,000

Hershey's

candy bar                  .10                      .25                        .45                  $1.10                    $1.50

Oreos

15 oz.                       .21                   $1.12                     $2.19                 $2.99                    $3.79

Corn Flakes

18 0z.                       .21                   $1.12                     $2.19                 $2.99                    $3.79

I am an ATHLETE

Tonight Brian and Kaitlyn invited me to come along with them while they played Tennis at Highland High, I put on my running shoes and decided I would try to walk a lap or two while they played tennis.   Knowing full well that my hip would probably not allow me to even walk one lap without being in too much pain, I ventured out with headphones on Mindy Gledhill. What an overwhelming flood of emotions I felt as I stepped onto the running track.  I was thinking about and comparing this moment to an artist with a brand new clean canvas, not exactly knowing what the finished product will be, I too am not quite sure what I can accomplish tonight however, I have to take the first step and pray it will turn out to be a success.
 There were 4 woman walking together and enjoying each other's company when they passed me up, I said to myself "Oh Heck No... they are not going to pass me" so I stepped up my pace,  the 1st lap I cried like a baby, I did it, I walked an entire lap and had virtually no pain. Going into the 2nd lap I looked up into the stands and remembered a year ago sitting on those benches, bald as a cue ball, but proud as I watched my baby girl graduate from High school. It's amazing what  we can learn about ourselves in just one year, and how much has changed.  I can honestly say I would not change anything, my life is where I want it to be right now.  When I think about the times I have begged and plead with the Lord to please let me have peace in my soul,  to let me accept whatever plan HE has for me, I get tears in my eyes, and tonight as I was walking all of these thoughts were going through my head, before I knew it I was finishing 4 laps (one mile) this 4th lap as I crossed the line I not only had tears rolling down my cheeks I had the biggest smile on my face.  With my thoughts all over the place I had finished a mile and not even realized it, I was not going to stop now, this is the best therapy I could have given myself tonight.  I watched a younger man doing sprints, if I'm completely honest with myself .... I was jealous, I love sprints.  This makes me think about cancer again, it's not a sprint, it has definitely been a marathon,  one that I hope to finish with dignity, hopefully I can teach my children something from what I have learned.  I wonder, do they know how much I love them? Do they understand that it is never OK to give up?  There were times in my life when I felt like I was in a drought  feeling completely defeated, needing something or someone to fill my cup , and HE always came for me, picked me up and held me HE actually changed my life forever. I am totally aware that I just finished 8 laps (2 miles)... are you kidding me right now? 
All about your Heart by Mindy Gledhill came on the IPOD, perfect timing as she sang the words 
"Oh I've loved you from the start, in every single way, and more each passing day, you are brighter than the stars, believe me when I say, it's not about your scars, it's all about your heart"  
I smiled big, knowing my Heavenly Father loves me just like that,  no scars, physical, mental or spiritual will ever keep HIM from loving me.  How privileged I am to have this knowledge.  I suddenly get this surge of energy and decided to run, my legs were actually picking up pace and I was running.  This track makes me feel at home, it feels right and comfortable, this is a place where I can think clearly.  I have not felt this free in so long, I am kicking cancer butt and it feels good, still I know there is so much more to learn so much more I want to accomplish in my life, and I owe so much to the Lord for seeing me through the toughest times of my life, it's time for me to give it back, time to move forward finally I feel like I can be true to myself,  all the baggage is gone, service to others is constantly on my mind as I finish RUNNING the 10th lap.  I was thinking about all the hats I wore during chemo and after as my hair began to grow back, I cleaned them all out of my closet tonight and wondered what to do with them, I have a few ideas, honestly those hats represent so much more than I can explain in words, today has been emotional and finishing 12 laps (3 miles) I raised my hands in the air as if I was crossing the finish line in a great victory, all by myself I celebrated with tears of joy.  I'm pretty sure tomorrow I will have some regrets but for now I am so happy, oh and one more thought, my boobs did not hurt when I ran, that might sound a little weird but 2 years ago when I ran they were too big and they hurt,  thank you 
Dr. Kreymerman... ha ha ha  I came to the conclusion tonight that I am an ATHLETE, it is my passion and that has not changed.  I am so grateful for this time I had tonight alone in my thoughts, happy for what I accomplished not only on the track but for realizing it's OK to shed a tear or two for seeing where  my life has been, what I've learned and where I want it to go.  

Why?

***I wrote this last week, but just finished it this morning***

Today I took the long way home from Mayo Clinic, worlds away from the noise of the world. It felt so good to be in my own thoughts.  I have been so afraid to go see Dr. Magtibay.  It's hard to explain to anyone who does not know the journey of my life.  Questions why are always on my mind lately.  The questions Why are not Why did these things happen to me?  I am way past that.  Now I say WHY NOT ME? In that respect.

 I know I  chose this life before I came to this earth, I have dreamed of being in a little white dress with the angels surrounding me when I said good-bye to my friends and family.  Heavenly Father had and has a plan for me.  The questions in my mind are more like how did such an abused and neglected child stay so close to the plan, how did I continue to have FAITH and HOPE in a world that seemed so dark?  Why did Heavenly Father have so much FAITH and HOPE in me? I have made so many mistakes,  Why has the Lord blessed me with so many miracles in my life?  Eric, oh how I love him and realize more and more everyday that he was such a blessing to my life when I met him, I was lost and alone, he saved me.  He was part of the plan, I know the Lord knew I needed a man exactly like Eric to get me through the rough years that would be ahead of us.  

Why, would the Lord give me his trust?  There was so much destruction in my path and I could of taken a different road, the only thing I knew and know for sure is that I want to be worthy in his eyes, inside and out, HE has blessed me with so much in my life.  I know everyday I live,  HE has divine intentions for me, it's up to me to stick to HIS design for me.

Why have I been so blessed with the best doctors?  I love Dr. Peter Kreymerman and know that Eric was inspired when he chose to have me go to Mayo Clinic.  Now I have  Dr. Magtibay to add to my list of blessings, my appointment went great with him and he too is a kind and a gentle man, he works in the same office area as Dr. Kreymerman.  It felt weird to walk through the office space and not see Heather, or PK.  I miss them.

I'm going to start exercising again, this time taking it slow, knowing I will have an uphill challenge, being more realistic this time knowing I will never be the athlete I was, it's ok though I will do what I can and be grateful.  

The Oscars

These Cute Girls, Haleigh Williams, Emily Holicky and Haleigh Brownlee
Best In Friendship, Love and Compassion

Hales accepting her award

Brian presenting the award

Haleigh, Haleigh, and Emily

Hollywood has nothing on these girls.  Hales, Emily, and Haleigh all dressed up in their PROM dresses to watch the Ocscars in my Family Room tonight.  I love these girls, what cute humor they have.

Be True To Yourself

What does it mean to live your true self?  I have heard that phrase so many times and every time I have heard it I get confused and ignore it.  Recently I heard  someone say "are you living your true self?"
Ok it finally sunk in after days of pondering those words TRUE SELF.  For me it is being the same person when I am alone, as I am when I am with people.  It is being true to myself, by doing what I know to be good and honest and true, whether anyone else in the group agrees with my way of thinking or not. It's not compromising my standards for anyone, no matter what.  I think I have always been that type of person, however, there have been times in my life where I have gone along with the crowd because it seemed like the right thing to do, then later had regrets and maybe even had to repent.  I think I realize now more than ever, life is too short to not "like" yourself, forget about loving yourself, it all starts with if you can stand to be around yourself if you are living a lie.   For example, I am not one to say that every single day for all of my life I have knelt down every morning and every night to pray, or that no days have gone by without me reading and studying my scriptures, I have no problem saying I need to work on those things, I wake up every morning wanting to be a better person when I go to bed tonight then I was last night, not to impress anyone,  but because I know it is what is best for me and for my family.  I do feel like I have gotten to a place in my life where I am "Good With God" and what that means to me might mean something different to the next person, but honestly if I were to die today, I die knowing I was a good person who tried my hardest to be true to myself and true to everyone around me. I am far from perfect, but I am grateful for the knowledge I have that our Heavenly Fathers son Jesus Christ died for all of our sins, all of them, even the little ones like judging someone, or thinking a bad thought about someone who hurt your feelings.  I am human and I am going to makes mistakes, I love that the Atonement of Jesus Christ allows me to say sorry, usually everyday.  It's all about being true to yourself, because in the end you are the one who has to live with YOU, and only you are the one who knows what needs fixin' and what is good to go.  I love you all...
today I am grateful for my sweet husband-oh how I love that man

The Grapefruit Dilemma

Recker squeezed every bit of juice out of that thing

Justifiable or not?

does this qualify as part of ours?

Ok so my husband thinks it is ok to take grapefruit from the neighbors tree if it is hanging into our yard. What do you think?  He then fed it to Recker.... it was gross to watch but I think he liked it.

48 things I want to do in 2011

In January I turned 48 years old .... WOW I remember when I thought a woman turning 30 was OLD, now I think a woman turning 60 is in her prime. It's true that perspectives change as you age and get wiser.
So o o o o o  I decided since I am still so young and have so much of life still to live I am going to do 48 things this year, things I've been wanting or needing to do.  KEEP AN OPEN MIND ha ha these are not all going to happen, but next year what's left over will go on my 49 things to do while I'm 49.

Spiritually Speaking
1. Pray with more sincerity and specific meaning
2. Read, study and ponder the scriptures better
3. Share the gospel with someone new
4. Consistant FHE (no matter who shows up)

Around the House
5. Turn the office into a play room for Recker
6. Clean out the upstairs hall closet
7. Clean out the pantry and get rid of things I have not used in years
8. Go through all cabinets in my kitchen and get rid of what I don't use
9. Change some things in Blakes room
10. Re-Decorate Kaitlyn's room
11.  New flooring and countertops in upstairs bathroom
12. Master bath, new shower, tub, flooring  (basically it needs a makeover)
13. Kitchen-a little makeover- we need new countertops
14. Replace all the lightbulbs that are out--bathrooms, kitchen, family room
15. Replace the knobs on the wall unit in the family room

Personally speaking
16. Take more chances (get out of my comfort zone)
17. Start to exercise as soon as the doctor says I can, and take it slow
18. Run a 5K
19. Run a 10K
20. Go back to work
21. Write down something that I am grateful for everyday
22. Say Thank You more
23. Smile more
24. Spend more time with extended family
25. Enjoy the moment
26. Take more pictures
27. Learn how to use my Video Camera (and actually use it)
28. Embrace my hair

Random Stuff
29.  Give more than I get
30.  Drink more water
31.  Eat more greens
32.  Learn how to thread my serger
33.  Laugh out Loud More
34.  Write more letters
35.  Plant some flowers
36.  Worry Less
37.  See good in EVERYONE (even when it's difficult)
38.  Don't give up
39.  Organize my life (meaning my house)
40.  Read a Book
41.  Snuggle more (Eric)
42.

A Quiet House

The house is quiet, Haleigh is out with friends, Kaitlyn and Brian went with Eric to Backyard Tacos, I just finished reading my scriptures and it's really, really quiet.  Maybe some time for me to reflect, no I've done way too much of that lately my brain needs a break.  I think I might turn on the TV and see what is up, ok did that nothing worth anything is UP.  I am healing, it is hard for me to sit for long periods of time, but Eric and I did go to Outback tonight, by the time we were done I felt a lot of pain, so  I know I am not quite ready for "LIFE" yet, I miss going to church though, I think this Sunday I may try and go with a pillow, but I know I won't make it through more than an hour.   I have so much to be grateful for, and just want to smile about my miracle, the Lord has truly blessed me and answered a ton of prayer.  It's funny when you get that kind of miracle, suddenly I wanted to run a marathon, well not literally but it did make me feel like maybe one day soon I can start exercising again, maybe my neuropathy will be the next thing to go away, and maybe just maybe the pain in my hips will go away for good.  It could happen!!  I guess I'm just really hopeful right now, I love my family more than they will ever know and wish I could express to them in meaningful words how much, I wonder sometimes if this is how our Heavenly Father feels about all of his children?   I am so blessed to be a mother, wife, sister, daughter of God, and friend I never realized before just how blessed we all are to have simple pleasures in our life, the ones that you cannot buy, the ones you can feel in your heart.  Thank you to all who have helped me to realize who I am, and the importance of listening with my heart.

Warriors🚩

Who are the warriors in your life?   What is a warrior?    Webster has this to say about Warriors.......

war·rior

 noun, often attributive 
\ˈwȯr-yər, ˈwȯr-ē-ər, ˈwär-ē- also ˈwär-yər\

Definition of WARRIOR

: a man engaged or experienced in warfare; broadly : a person engaged in some struggle or conflict

I have been thinking about this word WARRIOR for a few weeks now. Athletes are sometimes referred to as warriors when they put it all on the line to win, sometimes at any cost.  The media has made some celebrities out to be WARRIORS, people in our lives who we can look up to or admire for their fight to get where they are today.  Going to battle is what you may think of, that huge big WARRIOR standing up for what they believe 

This is what I have decided, It's not about how much money you make or have, it's not about who you know or where you live.  It's all about how much love you have in your heart, it matters.  The person who struggles everyday to make enough money to feed their family, is a WARRIOR.  The people who share what they have with the less fortunate are WARRIORS.  The single mothers striving to raise beautiful, compassionate children, you are  WARRIORS. The father and mother who no matter what type of day they have had bring their family together every night and kneel for family prayer, they are WARRIORS. 

 Most WARRIORS don't know they are, they make life easier for those around them without any effort.  I've come to see people in a different light, most people are good and want to share, most of us want to become WARRIORS. I love Webster's 2nd example of a WARRIOR  "a person engaged in some struggle or conflict"  do you know anyone in your life without struggle or conflict?  I don't, WE ARE ALL WARRIORS in our own right.

Ditch the Bra🚩

Funny story, when I went to the Mayo Clinic on Monday one of my appointments I had to remove my clothes and put on the ugly robe.  When I was finished with my tests, I stepped behind the curtain pulled it shut but was kinda waiting for the technician to leave and she never did, so I hurriedly got dressed, I kept thinking she was going to pull back the curtain or try taking a little peeky peek .. ha ha anyway I said good-bye to her and drove home, all day I kept thinking WOW I love this sports bra I just picked up at FOREVER 21 In Scottsdale (the only store that carries them in AZ) I kept thinking it was so comfortable it almost feels like I don't have one on..... well turns out.... I didn't have one on .... when I changed that night into my nightgown I realized I had forgotten my bra at the Mayo and had not been wearing one for the rest of the day, all day I thought it was so comfortable ..... IT WAS because I didn't have one on.   Yes, people I am a true blonde, I must of had a little brain fart, or it was chemo brain, or maybe it was my subconscious saying "ditch the bra already girl"

Be Nice

I'm obsessed with people and their reactions in certain situations...... I know I'm weird ....... I've said it before I'm a people watcher, some may even put me in the category of stalker, I have always wondered what makes people do the things they do. Today I was driving to meet up with my daughter, I was sitting at a light and looking in my rear view mirror when the light changed and it took me a few seconds to get going the lady in the car behind me threw her hands up in the air, she was so upset that I had wasted those precious seconds of her life, then when she hurried around me she waved her middle finger at me and yelled something out the window.... I just smiled and continued on my way. I understand when life's challenges get us down or when we have a bad day, but seriously is it necessary to treat others with anger? It's not pretty, it's actually very ugly to see. Tonight I was at the grocery store checking out and I noticed the woman behind me was upset because she did not have a bar to divide my items from hers, I just watched her as she stewed and worried about it, after all my groceries were added up I swiped my card, and the lady yelled and I mean yelled at the teller helping me "hey" pointing to one of my items that accidentally got mingled in with hers "that is not mine, that is hers" I could tell the young guy was embarrassed, I told him "no big deal I will just pay cash for it" and he smiled and said "thanks, and I'm sorry that happened" when he gave me my change back I was trying to put it in my wallet and the lady was pushing her cart against my backside, trying to get me to move faster. Seriously? Can't we all just be nice? I love people watching, and I learn from others what I don't want to be like.

Road Trip

This morning Eric and I woke up early, I mean really early .... 3:10 am got ready and drove to Eagar for my Aunt Naydines funeral. Eric always does all the driving, I seriously hate driving If I could of flown I would of. Eagar is 4 hours from our home and in the cool pines of Arizona. Eric woke me up at one point to show me all the huge Elk just leisurely walking on the side of the road, then he woke me up to show me the temperature outside was 14 degrees .... wholly cow it was cold.

We spent most of our day in the car, in fact we were in the car for more hours than we were at the funeral. On our road trip, I reminded Eric that today 24 years ago my brother Lance passed away, he was 15 years old. I remember that night like it happened yesterday. I blamed myself for a long time, why didn't I get him to the hospital , why didn't I know he was that sick? I have worked through those issues, I still miss him and wonder what type of man he would of been, who he would of married and how many children he would of had. Not too many days go by that I don't think of him, he was a funny kid and also could be quite annoying, but I loved him and look forward to seeing him again.
Also on our road trip we talked about how beautiful the Aspen trees were, and how nice it was to be cold and wear coats, boots and layer our clothes. Our long trip included discussions on life, death, recurrence, medical marijuana, and my new friend Trystan. I love spending time with Eric and thanked him for driving me to the funeral, I know it was not exactly what he wanted to do today.

Tonight I am so tired, we came home so quickly after the funeral this morning because I had tickets to see Mindy Gledhill tonight. I have been looking forward to this night for along time, Kayla and my sister Sonya went with me. We had a great time, Mindy was so cute and entertaining, listening to the story behind each song made me appreciate each song even more. I have her music on my blog, if you have never heard of her listen to a few of her songs they are great. I go to bed tonight not only exhausted but grateful for so many blessings in my life right now.

Thankful

In this month of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for these random things that come into my head ... ha ha

●cooler weather●green grass●blue skies●
●hugs from recker● emails from the DR●people who smile●
●mysti●clean fresh sheets●cute boots●open roads from utah to arizona●
●december 18th●haleigh●my body●hair●cute notes left on my bedroom door●
●grapefruit●AJ'S refillable cup●choices●good VT'S●LOVE●
●Dr Kreymerman●Heather Lucas his assistant●
●medicne that works●pumpkin pie●ERIC●doorbell ditchers who leave yummy stuff●testimony●kayla and Jeremy●music●
●people that inspire me●Blake●good books●google searches● cinnamon smells●answered prayers●warm fuzzier●Kaitlyn and Brian●Haleigh
●laughter●mayo clinic●tamy scheurn●mickey mouse●organic apple slices●going the extra mile●christmas movies●THANKSGIVING●

try to think in 2 minutes or less all the things you are thankful for.....I'm sure I forgot a few, and some of these are random huh?