Scars are tattoos with better stories

My hair has been falling out in chunks, more and more everyday.  I made the decision to call Jenny
Boyton, she or her sister have been styling my hair for over 15 years.  Kara Ellingson, Jenny's sister cut my hair the 1st time, while I was going through chemo treatment. It was a tearful difficult thing to do.
 Today there were no tears, I'm grateful for the knowledge I have that my hair does not define who I am, where I am going and who I want to be.

And what about those dang scars, well they each have a story, and with those scars they give me a constant reminder of the road I have traveled, I'm moving forward. I wish I could get my smile back, and maybe I will, Dr. Haberkamp said possibly 30% which is much better than 0%.  Miracles happen everyday, and with a positive mental attitude, continuing to tell my lip to smile, or my eyebrow to move everyday it'll happen. I told that today to a random person who was asking me about my scar, her response was "I'm sorry dear, but I work with doctors all the time and if your doctor told you 30% improvement he was not wanting to hurt your feelings" I felt like saying "You mean he didn't want to hurt me like you just did?" Instead I handed her one of my Live Happy Magazines and said good-bye. She was a coo coo, as Jeff Olson says.

 Taking chances and staying strong and positive is what get me through days and helps me to embrace that day as one day closer to healing and not necessarily a physical healing, but I'm talking more about an inner healing of my soul and being happy with who I am.  I will endure 3 more surgeries within the year--something that most of you who read my blog know I said I will never do again.  Each time, I think "what if it does work this time, what example am I being to my children and grandchildren if I just give up? It's like giving up on them" Tonight I snuggled with Recker on my bed, every once in a while he would want to take a look at my scars on my ear, neck and head but the ones he loves to stare at are the ones on my ankle where they took the nerves to replace the dead one in my face.  I love to watch him when he does this, I always wonder what is he thinking?

 I've learned that the life I had planned  for myself may not be exactly what I expected, but I feel blessed that I have learned from this journey.  There have been times when I didn't want to get up and go, I had so much pain and fear of taking those steps forward.  I have  sleepless nights, where I pray He will just take it all away, but He never does. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a hard head and need to learn even more, or I haven't been listening, I mean listening with my heart not my ears....although sometimes that happens too.  ha ha

 So my smile is crooked and may never heal much more than it has.....let's just say that is true.....I am still extremely blessed with a happy life, a life that sometimes I don't understand but I would not change it for one dang minute.  My love for my family, for friends old and new have brought me finally to a place where I believe in myself, I believe in my self worth, I will not fall, or fail in a world that is so weak at times, I feel like I have to be strong.  We are living in a world with so many people who
"will not, or say I can't"  and what I mean by that  is that they don't take chances, they never stand up for what they believe in, they give up when things get tough. (I call them the followers) but if I can find those who want to stand up in this world of weakness, I will not change my values or attitude, chin up--Surrounding myself with those same types of people together we can make incredible changes in the world--it can be done.  I am one of those people who has a responsibility to help  others realize their potential for happiness, no matter what the circumstances. This does not mean I will not  have days when I am sad, or down, those are natural feelings we all have them.  If you have never experienced pain, how do you know what it feels like to be truly happy?

 I have mentally prepared myself for what is to come, the doctors have fully explained it all to me and made sure I understood, and I do.  None of this has to do with living a happy life, I take the opportunities everyday to spend alone time, read from good positive books, then I go out and put it to action.  I was so upset in the beginning, but have learned like I've said before, everything happens for a reason, and anything I have ever started has been hard in the beginning with each passing day I learn to listen with my heart, take the hard days allow myself to cry because I know that pain is so deep it will not be going away in one day.  I have learned how to deal with those days....during those stormy days, that's when it happens, when you least expect it, when you feel like it is never going to end, but then the clouds part, and the rainbows appear. I know when that happens it's OK because He has arrived to take it all away, His love slips through the darkness and I grab on hard to it as I walk with Him into the light, and realize tomorrow is a new day.....you are never a failure, I know for me I just have to remember I do have infinite worth, and start over the next day. Touch those scars, and remember where I've been and the legacy I'm trying to leave for my posterity.

Live Happy

A couple of weeks ago my dear sweet friend Liz Decker asked me to give a testimonial at our Nerium Event, I  knew I wanted to but was not sure what to say. How could I possibly inspire or be an example ? I have done ok with Nerium and fully enjoyed meeting new friends and taking my mind off of my cancer journey, but I am surely not an example of success in the Nerium world.  I had goals written down, simple things I wanted to achieve daily, weekly then monthly when the tumor in my ear arrived and killed the nerve in my face all my goals had to be put on hold. I had 3 surgeries in one week, making it 18 surgeries within 5 years. While I was in Mayo Hospital for 3 weeks, my Nerium friends came to visit--what a surprise that was to me, I barely knew these people. That act of service was a truly heartwarming experience, I realized I really am loved by other people than my own family.  These past couple of months have been incredible as I have fought my way through thick and thin to stay alive......right now I'm a little thick because of the steroids I am on, but guess what?  I simply don't care, if those steroids can help me get to a healing place, bring on the thick.

Look at these beautiful, happy successful women

Don't go anywhere without this magazine--every nurse, doctor
and resident got one from me at Mayo and Cleveland Clinic

Liz and Danny--great leaders, great friends
Love Danny's shirt, I have it too it says
TODAY CHOOSE HAPPY

This subject of Living a Happy Life has become so dear to me over the past 12 years or so.  Being raised in a fully dysfunctional home, then meeting the man of my dreams was quite an opposition from what I was feeling in my home , hearing Eric say "I love you" it was shocking to me.  I remember going home that night at the ripe age of 19, kneeling by my bed and promising the Lord I would live worthy of this man, if He would keep His promise and get me out of this toxic environment.  Promises made were not broken, we were happily married, blessed with 3 beautiful daughters and one magnificent son--they are all married now, and we have been blessed with 2 grandsons from my oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy--oh how our family has been blessed with great son and daughter in laws--I love them all-they make me smile.

So back to this subject of really Living a Happy Life, is it possible? There was a time I did not know what love was, not to mention true happiness.  But the second my daughter was born, I was instantly in love with her, my happiness was filled to the brim, nothing could or ever would compare to this.....wait 13 months later my son came along, big 9 lbs 8 oz, Eric cried.  I wasn't sure he was crying because he was blessed with a son to carry on the Williams name or if he was just happy for that special moment of being told "congratulations, he's a handsome healthy boy" All four of my children have brought such joy and happiness to my life, they lived the young life that I was never granted and I loved watching them make mistakes, figure out the problem and fix it.

When Kayla had her 1st child Recker, the doctor induced her so that I could be there for the birth, I was going through my chemo treatment and didn't want to miss the birth of our first grandchild.  He was blond, beautiful and big--with a mixture of characteristics from both Kayla and Jeremy. Talk about happiness, there is not much more that compares to the unconditional love between a father, mother and their new baby, a gift from Heavenly Father, he has entrusted in parents to take special care of these special children of His.

Although those moments and days after a baby is brought home is such a happy time of life, trials do come to all of us.  My question, even to myself is how do we maintain a happy life through sometimes what seems to be an endless amount of sadness, sorrow, anger and disappointment?  I don't have much science to back it up, but would like to give my opinion on this subject. I believe each child is born into a family with their own spirit, some of those children will be born naturally happy all the time, smiles, giggles, hugs, kisses and eating may make him happy. Seeing both of my grandchildren laugh, giggle, run and play always changes my serotonin levels  and creates a smile or two from me too. Recker our oldest grandson was diagnosed with Autism at age 16 months, I had no idea how to feel about that, should I cry or should I feel blessed that he had been sent to our family to teach and help us grow in compassion, and unconditional love? Now Recker is 4 and a half, he still does not speak, but tries hard to communicate--my daughter and son in law are amazing with him.  Many times I have wept for them, not because of the diagnosis, but because of not knowing how to react when people are rude. I love to just watch him, no words, just watch....he seems so happy, he absolutely brings happiness to me.  I'm not sure he knows he is different, he laughs and plays and hugs and kisses us--he truly is happy.  Heavenly Happy.  

Ezra visiting bonbon at Mayo--he never stops smiling

My sweet little Recker boy, dirty from doing what he loves
playing outside--gave me the #1 for the RedSox

When I was a child my family called me BonBon, I've been told because of my super white hair, the only thing I can see is a likeliness is that the ice cream bonbon's are white inside, covered in chocolate on the outside. No matter, the name stuck with me and even now when I  repeat this name for my email, or to explain why my grandchildren call me bonbon---it always brings a smile to those who hear it. So does smiling mean a person is happy? I'm not sure that qualifies as complete happiness, but it sure is a great start. I believe there is power in a positive mental attitude.

When Eric and I first got married he would go around the valley speaking to hundreds of people about how to have a positive mental attitude....so weird that he and I ended up being married, because I was as far from a positive person when we met----maybe that's why it took 6 years of dating---I've learned so much about having a positive outlook from him.  Imagine this, when we first got married Eric would make me stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I was beautiful, I was going to have a great day, and that I was happy. Laugh if you want, I did too, in fact I was so resistant at times he would laugh at me and tell me "if you don't believe in yourself then no one else will either, so hold your head up high and repeat after me"

yep...where it all started--Frenchy is
still my #1 fan even when I have a funk day
Positive all the time, never heard a swear word
from his mouth in over 30 years. Believes
no matter what there is always good in
people, we just need to find it and let
them know, they are important to him.

It took me years, probably until I was about 36  years old to realize the power of words, they can hurt worse than any physical pain or abuse they sting your brain and can last for years or even life, or they can lighten a room full of people,  perhaps make one of them feel empowered to change their sad life to a happy one.  I know this from an experience,   I had an experience that changed my life forever.  One day I was wallowing in my own sorrow, feeling bad for myself, actually I'll just say it I WAS VERY DEPRESSED. It had been 7 years since my mother walked away from me, I tried so hard to figure out how to "fix" it, I took on the blame and felt as if I was a failure on so many levels, maybe I should of done something different.  Why couldn't I get this emotional baggage I was carrying around and put it on a plane going far far away? I was far from a happy place.  One of my friends came by the house with her children so they could play with mine. While they played, she asked me what was wrong, and that she had noticed an obvious change in me. I was sensing my mental anguish and decided to tell her a portion of what was going on in my life. Remember at this point, the only people I had to talked to about this was my parents, Eric and my bishop.  She looked me straight in the eye and said "I hope you will understand this when I tell you, but I took psychology at BYU and learned that the percentage of people who have been abused as a child is very high that they too will abuse, so I cannot allow my children in your home anymore, in fact we need to cut our friendship and not allow our children to play anymore." She went as far as to make sure our children were not in the same primary classes together.  Now, to most people this story sounds cruel and unbelievable but for me it changed my life.  I never wanted to be "that" person.  From that day forward, I chose happiness.  Well I have to admit, not everyday since then has been "HAPPY" actually far from it, however, I've learned to find something to learn from each experience that comes into my life.  We may not all agree on the parenting skills of others, or what our passions are but I believe we can all agree living happy is far better than the opposite.

My teenage years were fun with my friends Linda and Jami, I loved them so much and always found happiness, a joy in their presence, mostly because we were girls who made good choices and lived the rules and regulations not only of our faith but also our family rules.  As I have thought about this question,"What is Happiness" the past 8 months I have deliberately made a decision to not allow negative influences impact my life.  (The loss of a family member or family excluded), I allow myself grief but with that being said, I also believe the Lord wants us to be happy while we are alive and that we are promised a life happy after death, so happiness is never taken from us in life or death.  We are the ones who make those decisions, "will I be happy today? or will I be angry or sad?" I found after putting this purposely to action when I walked or ran on the treadmill I am either reading a book or watch the TV in front of me, more than likely I listen to music on an Ipod.  I noticed the difference, when a few years a go after finishing my chemo and radiation treatments my doctor told Eric and I it was time for me to look at my bucket list and start doing them.  We first chose to go to Paris, my husband speaks fluent french and it was a place I always wanted to go.  While in Paris I found my "happy place": Porte Jaune, we were in nature riding bikes being forced to see the Lords creations, to pay attention.  I believe getting back in touch with nature provides endless abundance of happiness. We stopped and picked fresh flowers and berries, we sat and watch as an older generation of men played a game of horseshoes or chess. Children holding handing with their parents giggling so contagiously we had to see what was going on, it was a fish in the stream they were concentrating on for  what seemed to be  15 minutes. Eric and I then joined in their happiness. Every surgery I have gone through before I go into the OR Eric says, now go to your "happy place, I'll meet you there" Do you have a happy place?

the man feeding birds-so peacefully enjoying his day

MY HAPPY PLACE IN FRANCE Porte Jaune

with my favorite frenchy--selfies 

  I am a Facebook, Instagram contiributor, I enjoy hearing the good things my friends are doing, or knowing that I need to pray for a family in need, however, I too believe too much time can be spent on those things. For me, I have made it a habit to read from a good book, or listen to a positive CD or music.  I have turned my car into a NO PHONE ZONE and will always be listening to self help or inspirational stations, or CD's.  Once I have done what I need to do to feed my own soul, then I will check in on FB or IG.

On my nightstand--tried to edit out the pill bottles sorry

I loved this so much, I gave the CD and book
to all of my son in laws, my son and husband

This is the book that can change
your perspective

Something I love to do this book
is a good way to change your
attitude towards the blessings
you have in your life-and share
it with others

You're never too young to learn how to
live
a happy life

In the most recent Live Happy Magazine I read "Does Happiness Matter?"  We've all heard that success won't bring happiness. But have you ever heard that the reverse is true? Choosing happiness is not just the right thing to do--it's the smart thing to do for your health, relationships, and believe it or not your business. A Harvard study proved happiness fuels success, happier people are healthier, and live longer, they are more satisfied in their relationships, and they experience less stress.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I had two different doctors ask me a series of questions one of the 1st questions asked was "did you have any childhood trauma or unneeded stress, or did anything significantly difficult happen to you as a child?" Whoa--that question threw me for a loop, I did not want to admit it, but yes I did live 25 years of total stress, and trauma,  keeping secrets, pretending to be a "Happy Family" if I didn't do that,  I would be the blame for a hurt I knew my mom could not handle, so I kept it in until I was 29. Besides a family history the only other symptom I had was stress--Letting that go and not only being true to myself, but true to my family has been a mixture of emotions--It not only opened up a huge wound, it put a lot of stress on my husband and family.  Being the optimistic, I actually thought confronting this issue was going to finally change my life for good, and we could get some family help, I was wrong.

My life from that time forward changed, it took time, I had to go through every emotion and allow myself to feel pain, hurt, anger, guilt until finally after many years I was able to forgive and feel what joy and happiness, I mean true happiness is.  I began taking my children for walks, going to the park, and being the mother I always wanted to have.  I changed, I made a difference by being involved with my children, I did not do the best job but I did OK, and I know my children are going to be even better than I am as a mother.  So the answer to the Question "Does Happiness Matter?" a huge resounding YES it does.

http://goodthinkinc.com/2012/01/harvard-business-review-positive-intelligence/

Researchers have found that "getting in touch" "earthing" "grounding" or "connecting with nature" regardless of what we call it, There is an obvious connection with a person's "we'll being, as well as our physical well being. So how do we start? One thing I have learned personally, there are like I mentioned before, some people who are naturally born with a happy positive attitude. I myself was not, I have had to work on this continually.  Many times children are born into a family that is very structured and teaches them organization, which in many associations in life and at home is very important.  I always wondered how people who taught their children at home could do it....I would of said to my kids "OK let's go to the park, or a movie, then we'll come home and do our math" In other words I am not a structured person--I love spontaneity--I look forward to doing small things for other people, I love to help people in need (which sometimes blows up in my face)  I believe a person who leads with a positive mood is contagious, I would rather surround myself with uplifting, positive, compassionate people than the person who never has a good thing to say, or is a pessimist.

8 months ago my mother passed away I was not close to her and had a difficult time understanding her thinking.  I decided at that moment I was going to take the next few months and do a kind service or something nice for for someone, anyone.  What I did first was get a clicker I carried in my hand, every time a negative thought came into my mind or out of my mouth I clicked. After a week I decided to check out the clicker.....oh boy was I disappointed, there were more clicks than I wanted to have. Now what do I do? I knelt and prayed that night and asked the Lord to please help me to change those thoughts and actions.  I've always been a little bit scared to ask the Lord for these types of helps, because if you ask for help He will give you more oppositions to increase your accomplishment of mastering this trial you have. So knowing this I pondered why I wanted to do this.
I reset the clicker and started clicking all of the service and good things I had done,  good thoughts or comments I had expressed to others, unexpectedly after a week I took a look at my clicker surprising my positive thoughts and service had tripled in numbers. I bought 100 clickers and give them to all the people who want to work with my Nerium team--one week doing the negative, one week the positive, then make the adjustments,  I started writing down my goals for the day, the week and finally the month. I check it everyday and re-evaluate whether those goals are realistic, in other words I don't set myself up for failure.  Failure isn't  falling down, it's refusing to get back up.  I've learned if I had never experienced failure, pain or hurt, I would not appreciate the great blessings I have in my life.

Without ever feeling sorrow or trials--
you would never know what success
and happiness is.

Think  Happy-Be Happy-and the success
will come--it's more important for you
to love yourself love your life and be happy
with who you are, than it is to struggle for
financial freedom, this secondary to
your living happy

Being astonished by the results of my positive week, I continued with the clicking method and I keep track of those happy thoughts and how they effected not only me but others.  When I started this experiment I was 50 years old (essentially half my life over) Imagine if the people in the world all wore happiness clickers.  I am a partner in a company called Nerium International, one of the reasons I joined was they were on the same thought pattern as myself. You may ask what types of things do I do to help others have a happy day.  I started very slowly by opening a door for an elderly person who could not reach the door handle at Mayo Clinic. One day I was at a grocery store where all the floral's that
morning were being thrown out because they had a few brown spots on them, I asked the manager if it were OK for me to take a few, his response was "take them all", and I did.  I then went to a local park and began handing them out to all the people who walked by me, I  loved this, everyone had a smile. I went one morning and picked up trash that had been blown into the field where our children play soccer, I bought groceries for a family I knew needed them and dropped them on their door step, I bought lifesavers took them to a cancer facility and gave them to all the cancer patients, I gave a man a ride who was hitching, when I drove up and picked him up, he said "why are you helping me, no blonde woman has ever given me a ride, usually I hop in the back of a workers truck" I was listening to  inspirational music, he asked me if I was scared, I said "should I be? do you have a gun or knife?" he said 'no' then I said "then you should be scared" and we both laughed BTW MY FAMILY WAS NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS ONE. I don't regret it.  Giving a smile to an unhappy person, telling someone  you love their blouse or outfit, does world of good and does not cost a thing. I remember a guy who was in chemo every time I was there, he looked so sad one week I brought him a bag of kisses, with a note, the smile on his face was priceless and we remained friends through email until one week he was not there anymore.....I cried the whole way home, but realized he is happy now, he won his battle--he gets to  continue his journey in happiness just not from earth.  I choose everyday to see happiness in others, I've found since doing this I get the rewards of contentment, no regrets, and simple joy. If you want to make the world a better place join the live happy movement today it's free to sign up and you will not believe the map you can follow of you paying forward, and then them paying forward it's global and I love it.  http://Monya.mylivehappy.com/happy-reach  go to this link and start today, it's free and so fun, when you get to the website click on join now from my website, so we can keep a count on the map of how many people we have reached.

Love One Another

I've been in Ohio for 5 weeks now, next Thursday I will be going under the knife again.  I realized  how much I need the Lord to bless me and watch over me.  I go to Him in silent prayer most of the days now, I don't have a lot of privacy, and I think it's been really good for me to be here with Diana, she's been a great source for me, as my nurse she needed to come to give me infusions every 12 hours.  We were under the impression I would have to get lab work done and see another doctor for clearance.  We did all of that last week, and I really should of just come home so I could see Eric and the kids.  For some reason I was not thinking straight, Diana suggested we go stay with her family who lives one hour and 1/2 away.  This would save us some money and get me out of the hospital environment.  It truly was a great distraction. Her sister and brother in law are empty nesters, it was a beautiful quiet home I could rest, read and have some quiet time.  Although it was awkward at first, I soon found out Angela and John are down to earth people, but also a very Christian Catholic family. This brought me relief, knowing I would be able to read my scriptures every morning, especially for preparation for my surgery on Thursday.

Diana and her sister Angela come from an Italian family, they love deeply, and laugh loudly--very loudly.  I think I will miss that the most when we part from each other once I am home, but I hope we will be able to keep in contact through texting and calls.  These people didn't know me, they didn't have to take me in for a week, they had choices, but they chose to show Christ like Attributes by opening their home to me.  I'm sad I didn't get a picture of John before I left, he and Angela were leaving to see their son daughter in law and new twin grandchildren in Columbus,  John did not get home before we left.  They truly are wonderful people, I felt like home and did not have one panic attack.

My new friend Angela--Thank you XOXO

Today we drove back to Cleveland to be closer to the Cleveland Clinic, we are within walking distance and it a lot less money, and actually a better hotel.  Tomorrow I am planning on going to a Cleveland ward, there is one within 1 mile of here.  Then we may drive to see the Kirkland Temple.  I can't risk catching the flu or getting a cold, so wearing a mask is mandatory when going to church or crowded areas.  I have had a great week--mentally trying to get prepared for surgery is always a quiet time of processing for me......I've decided no matter what the outcome of this surgery is I choose to be happy, I will not let this define who I am.  I have a great family who loves me, and been blessed with amazing friends who will not be embarrassed to be with me--I've tried to keep it light, not get to carried away with the facial paralysis, because the doctors are going to do the best they can, I have faith in them and they are very confident I will have great results.

  I never thought I would ever feel this way but I'm looking forward to getting this over with and getting home to my family.  I miss them more than I ever thought I could.  My grandchildren are growing through Face time Ezra looks so big and tall, Recker too, he came up to the phone and kissed me today.....I cried....then Ezra wanted to kiss me too.....I cried more.  Kayla was so sweet to follow them around the house with the phone so I could see what they were doing. Ezra is getting so smart, his daddy has been teaching him all sorts of things. He knows where his toes are, his eyes, nose, mouth and ears.  He also growls loud when you ask him "what does the Lion say?" He blows kisses, and knows how to throw away his diaper all on his own.  I sang Recker a song, its one I've sang to him since he was a newborn, he was intrigued and stood motionless as I sang it.
 I have so much to thank the Lord for, my life will go on, my circumstance may not change, but I am determined to learn something from this.   I will do all the doctor asks me to do and hope and pray the surgery goes well and the doctors hands will be still, and that we will have a great outcome.  Tonight, my thoughts and prayer as I lie down to sleep, help me get a good night rest, and ask the spirit to be with me all week as I prepare for surgery. I have been trying to practice what I preach and put to practice some Christlike Attributes by doing something kind everyday for someone else, even if it's hold a door open, or give a half smile to a person walking by (usually that scares people so I try not to use that one) yesterday I did something very simple, I bought lunch for the lady behind me at Chipolte and she was so happy, surprised and elated.  She decided to pay it forward too.  The world would be a better place if we all could give a little more, it's not necessary for it to be a monetary service.

Just Dream--Just Breathe

I'm uncovering some strength I've never felt before.  My fears are finally subsiding, and I'm allowing myself to feel vulnerable--Today I boarded a flight at 5:25 am to face either a storm, or a tender mercy.

Yesterday, I pleaded with friends and family to join united in prayer and fast for some relief, some answers to come clearly and quickly.  The spirit has a way of sneaking in and penetrating my heart at times when I am not expecting it.  I could not help but have the peaceful feeling of our Heavenly Father watching over me and listening to every prayer, I know through Him I will be able to endure, I am strong and I believe I would not be true to myself if I did anything else but face this storm and still be standing as it passes.  For the first time in 5 months I am allowing myself to breathe again, to dream again.  I realize this is my journey, my life, my story and I am still writing.  I wish I could go to each and every person who prayed and prays for me daily--this is what I would say to you--HE LISTENS AND HE ANSWERS PRAYERS--I LOVE YOU FOR  JOINING IN OUR FAMILY PRAYERS.

 It's been so hard to stay strong, this is a feeling I have not felt in such a long time.  Even when I was diagnosis with the VILLAIN I felt more in control than I do now.  So many times I have tried to bury my fears, thinking if no one could see my vulnerability I wouldn't have to feel it, if I just ran from it.  However, those shadows followed me to where I am now.

Today I've decided it's not about the race, or how fast I can go, it's about finding out what's inside of me, finding out who I can become--taking chances and staying strong.  Tomorrow I have a chance to see a great doctor, I'm takin' this opportunity with the attitude "I deserve this, I deserve to know if there is any other options for me"  I'm not one to want to hurt feelings or make any of my doctors think that I believe that they are anything but great for my prognosis.  However, I was recently told by a great friend who is a physician also, he said  "You always say you want to live with NO REGRETS, do you believe this will be a regret if you don't take it?" I knew the answer before he finished the sentence..."yes, I would regret it" "besides" he said "any doctor who is upset because you decide to get a 2nd opinion, or 20th opinion does not deserve to be your doctor"  I'm not sure if I agree with that last portion, I have been so blessed to have the BEST team of doctors on my side, cheering for me all along the way.  I love my doctors at Mayo Clinic, but when one tells me that my face will not change, and it will be this way for the rest of my life, I'm thinking I have a lot of years left in me, and I have to believe with all the modern technology there has to be a doctor out there who can help, that doctor may not be at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona, or even at the Cleveland Clinic, but I know myself well enough to know if I don't take this chance I will regret it.  It's time for me to start dreaming and breathing again, I feel this fire inside me that needs to be ignited---but I'm not sure how to get it fired up again--I believe this trip to Cleveland Clinic is a good decision--now on to the next step--Meeting 'Doctor Right'

So I am looking at tomorrow as a gift and I am going to embrace it, I have no fear going into this appointment tomorrow.  Every step I take, and every storm I endure makes me stronger.  It's time for me to spread my wings and start flying--I know I was not sent to this earth to hide behind every corner afraid to face my fears, I was meant to embrace the future, and teach others how to do the same.  I trust the plan my Heavenly Fatter has for me and know His arms are around me, He will give me the calm I need for tomorrow.  On the nights like this when I am trying to sleep and can't, I turn it over to the Lord and ask Him to take this burden once more from my shoulders and allow me to sleep, allow me to rise in the morning, grateful to Him, and say "All I have is yours, all I have is because of your grace and tenderness you have shown me through out my life"  Now, I will sleep, but not before I say a prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me in my lifetime, helping me to see the love and faith of friends and family.

Curve Balls

Man life throws many curve balls, I was not expecting one that came flying at me last week.  I was Fired from my volunteer work.  Not quite an accomplishment I had expected, and it was devastating for me.  I loved that job, I loved the people I worked with and I especially loved all the patients who touched my life.   I violated HIPAA law, and took pictures of patients, 1st off I just want to say they all had my permission to take their picture and 2nd I would never post something about a patient without their consent.  However, I recently had my blog redesigned and all the  journal entires I had written and drafted, posted public without me knowing.  They were written a year or year and a half ago, when I was asked not to mention the facility that I was volunteering for or the patients, I immediately drafted all of them for my children to have, and for myself to look back and remember. For those of you who do not know about drafting, it is basically a journal you write and never post for all to see, but is kept secretly and I eventually want my blog to be made into a book for my children, so I did as I was asked and I took all the posts off of my blog immediately.  To be honest, I have a ton of drafts, things I don't want the world to see but have saved for my family to read, long after I'm dead and gone.

When I went to my "volunteer" job 2 weeks ago, I was called into a meeting where I was "let go" I was told if an employee had done this they would be "let go" so they felt it was time for me to be "let go" I asked them if I could delete the entries, and the answer was "you have 3 days to get them off your blog, or we will be forced to file a federal suit"  so sad, I took off my scrubs and handed in my badge out the door I went feeling like I had just been defeated by the world, I cried uncontrollably for hours, well actually the crying went on for days, I finally got it controlled to a slow tearful drip after a few days.  When I got home I asked our attorney if this could happen to me, he said NO, that the facility I was volunteering for cannot sue me for violating HIPAA laws the patient would have to be the one to sue me, --and since everyone of those patients or their caregivers still email me on a regular basis, (except for one) I contacted each person who I had ever posted about, got written permission from them or in a couple cases the patients had passed on and I got permission from their caregivers, who by the way also asked me for a copy of what I had written, by this time I had already deleted them.  However, I told them once I had their written permission I would send them a copy of what I had hand written.  Each were so grateful, I had journaled and each had already known about the experiences and the intimate talks I had with them, so it was not a surprise to any of them when I read the journaling to them.

 I'm not sure what this world is coming to, I do understand the HIPAA laws and I do understand the right to have privacy, I would never post something without 1st asking the patient.  There was only one post that I had written where I felt was imposing without permission, names were never mentioned and if this person had found it on the world wide web,(1 in a billion)  they could of guessed it was them I was talking about, but there were no pictures, or proof.

I learned a lot from this experience, and although I think "they" were being a bit dramatic in their decision, I know the Lord has something else planned for me.  It's important for me to be in a place where I am not only needed but appreciated for the service I love to give.

Sticks and Stones🚩

Remember the phrase? "sticks and stones, may break your bones, but words will never hurt you?" Who ever came up with that saying was a little off their rocker--sticks and stones will certainly hurt bones, and scratch the skin, but words, oh words can leave a lasting sting on the heart and soul.

Even at my old age of 50, words can hurt.  They can penetrate a heart and soul and for many leave a lifelong scar.  It's interesting, we sometimes say the harshest words to the ones we love the most. Why is that?  Maybe because we know them the best and we know what will hurt them, maybe we know they will forgive us, especially when it is family.  I was so upset a couple of weeks ago, my daughter was wearing a pair of pants that belonged to me, and although this was not the source of my anger, it escalated into me telling her to take them off before she went home, I did this in anger, and immediately felt the pain I had caused her--of course an apology was necessary, and I'm quite sure this will be a comical story told at my funeral or memorial service one day when I am long gone, but truly as I write this now I am embarrassed and sorry for how I treated her, it was not necessary.

I was deeply saddened by words spoken to me recently, it's going to take a long time to get those echoing words out of my mind, and then out of my heart, not necessarily by a family member, but even a complete stranger can not knowingly trigger a memory or  thought that can hurt.

One of the only compliments I ever heard my mother give me growing up, was that I had the ability to be stung by the words of others, sting back (sometimes unnecessarily) get over it, and move on.
In so many ways I am still that little girl,  I am usually not effected by the words of others, unless they are words of wisdom I can use in my life. Other than those words I try to keep the negative out, but I have this nasty side of me that comes out like the devil sometimes, you know when someone says something mean about one of your children?  That mother hen comes out and fights for her own.

It's amazing to me how a song or smell can take me right back to my childhood, or teen years.  There are certain songs I listened to during difficult times in my life, that now I cannot stand to have my ears hear.  There is a smell that will take me back to an awful memory of life.  However, there are tender moments with music that will immediately take me back to a grateful place, a place to keep me grounded and happy for who I am, and what I believe in.

The Lord gives us the ability to forgive others, this is a commandment.  For so many years I wondered how this was possible, how could our Heavenly Father ask us to forgive those who had hurt me so deeply, especially the people in my life who I was sent to from Heaven to be protected by and loved unconditionally for eternity.  I soon realized it was my responsibility to form my own relationships with others respectfully and worthily.  As a young mother, I was unsuccessful in doing these things, I tried so hard to keep my covenants, but many times missed the mark by raising my voice or speaking unkindly to my children or my husband.  I realize now after attending the temple on a regular basis that Satan has his ways of  getting us to follow him, then he says "now go and get someone else to do this too" oh how evil enjoys company, and so many of us follow as it is so tempting to act out instead of embrace and say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" so much of this selfishness we portray is Satan getting his way, prompting us to follow in his ways. I promise those ways will bring you into the darkness and can be a black whole hard to get out of.

Recognize the good in others, not their stains. At times a stain needs appropriate attention to be cleansed, but always build on his or her virtues.

When you feel that there is only a thin thread of hope, it is really not a thread but a massive connecting link, like a life preserver to strengthen and lift you. It will provide comfort so you can cease to fear. Strive to live worthily and place your trust in the Lord.

We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do all of the things that the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time.--Richard Scott.

I love you my sweet children, there is nothing you will ever do or say that can take away my unconditional love for you--

   

Let The Light Shine

I think sometimes it's hard in life to keep ourselves in the "Light" for me it has been a constant and continuous struggle.  I remember being a young child and wishing my life was different, the darkness of my life seemed to continue to spiral into an endless tunnel of blackness.

 There was a time when I was profoundly misunderstood by so many people around me, teachers could not understand why I stared out windows during class, obviously not able to concentrate on what was being taught in class.  I recently found my report cards from elementary school, for many years each teacher would comment saying "Monya seems to have a difficult time concentrating during class" or "Monya is  not able to keep up what is being taught" year after year these were the comments by each teacher, I wonder now, why my mother did not pay more attention to the signs.  Being deaf in one ear and the tallest child in class always landed me a seat on the back row of classrooms. Maybe this is why it was so difficult for me to concentrate, perhaps I could not hear what was being taught, it was at those vulnerable young years that I learned to read lips in order to see what the teachers were saying, and even then I only caught half of it.

 We had wooden desks that opened where we could put our books and # 2 pencils, for me they were a place to smash my fingers between the wood trying make my fingers bleed, maybe the pain would take a bit of the pain I was feeling in my heart,  Young and impressionable, I didn't understand divorce, it was not explained to me, where was my dad and who was this other man taking, or trying to take his place?  I know my mother was doing the best she could, but now looking back I realize she was a victim also, and perhaps was even afraid of her future with 3 young girls to raise.

For a child who endures the process of a divorce, they sometimes become more of a commodity than the most important piece of a puzzle.  For so many of us we become like leftovers in the fridge, only looked at or considered if there is nothing new or more interesting to engage in, pushed to  the side hoping to one day be discovered,  unfortunately by that time it is too late, and the leftover has spoiled and needing to be thrown out.  For some, even most people especially those raised in a home of respectful love and unconditional love the thought of this type of life is unthinkable.  For me it was a reality, for so many children today it is a reality. 

As years moved forward, I never really pulled myself from that darkness, the wounds were deep and seemed to scar my soul to the point of not actually letting any person in, sure I had friends in my ward, Linda and Jamie were my best friends and I still love them deeply, however, those two were truly best friends I was just the tag a long.  I distinctly remember one time Linda came to pick me up and as we were driving, I remembered I had not kissed my father goodbye, I asked her if she could please take me back.  Later as we discussed some of the dysfunction that was happening in my home she too remembered that story, only she remember thinking "I wish I had that type of relationship with my father" Linda's father is a quiet humble man, and not a member of the church, I think she silently always wished he had joined, and I always silently wished my dad was more like him.  I had plenty of "friends" in high school, I was the one everyone thought was funny, made jokes I tried to disguise the ridicule and abuse happening in my home with either complete silence or a joke to cover up an awkward situation.  Yes, I think it is safe to say, on display for everyone to see,  was a perfectly well put together family, loving, kind and respectful.  But truth is, I dressed in my closet, feared my fathers voice and  flinched every time he raised his hand to scratch his head, for fear he was going to slap or hit me.  Many times the hurt was not the physical or sexual abuse that hurt the most, it was the words, the penetrating words of belittlement and discouragement--protection came from not letting myself feel--believing and accepting the fact that this was my life, this was who I was and there was no future for me, "no man will ever want you and no doctor will ever be able to heal you"--those words rang clearly in my head--I became numb to any compliment that would often come my way through others in the church.

Stan Johnson, my seminary teacher during high school, was a great influence in my life.  He showed a movie called Cypher in the Snow, in Seminary one time, WHAT? was this real? There were other children in the world who were being miss treated, were there children actually dying of a broken heart?  I did not want that to happen to me, but deep inside I knew I was one of those cyphers in the snow.  I needed to find a way to bring myself out of this aching heartbreak I was feeling.
As Brother Johnson taught me day after day in class, I learned that the Heavenly Father I had been praying to was real, I learned about the spirit of Jesus Christ, as soon as I began to consciously yearn for that spirit to be in my life. I began to open my eyes and see the goodness around me, to hear the spirit whisper to me saying "you are a daughter of God, HE has a place for you, choose to walk in the Light of Christ"  There is an amount of faith that comes with leaving the darkness and trying to let the light shine in our lives. I was, and still do sometimes sneak back into a little shadow of darkness, this is the darkness in which Satan wants us all to live in.   Happiness and Light in our lives is a choice, no matter what our circumstances, we have a choice to lift the lives of others with our light or to bring others down with our darkness.  Satan, well Satan does not want to be alone, he always grabs and takes who he can, then he encourages them to go and get others to follow--I choose to stay in the Light.  There are many times I still feel fear, have loneliness, and need reassurance from my Heavenly Father, it is in those times I get on my knees and pray for that light to enter my heart.

Julie Greer once taught me "the spirit can only grow in the light, nothing can grow in the dark"

Nunez and Diaz Familia

Starting out on this journey to the Dominican Republic I was not quite sure what to expect, I just knew I wanted to experience and see everything I could. I wanted to  stand where my son stood, see the places he lived, and  meet the people he loved.

So far I have not been disappointed, in fact just the opposite.  My heart is full as I have experienced the bus rides, taxi drivers, and motorcycle rides. However,  if am completely honest I would say there have been times I have been really afraid, this is not a safe place.  La Vega is THE SCARIEST little town I have ever been in, yet when we visited the homes of the President Diaz and Nunez the spirit surrounded us.  President Nunez said to Eric and I as we finished dinner "I am sorry our home is so small"  we both looked at each other with tears in our eyes and at the same time said "NO, the size of your home does not matter, it's what is in your heart and we thank you for teaching this principle to our son"

♥♥♥ the Diaz Famiy

Off to the next transfer

Nunez Family♥

I have never laughed so hard, these are wonderful
people with a great love for the Lord

Frustration at Mayo

Mayo, Mayo, Mayo oh how I despise Mayo today--after all my scans and needle pokes I was anticipating some answers today, a diagnosis of my hip pain--NADA
I got my port accessed--blood taken, more blood taken and just for fun one more vile of blood taken.  I then went to see Dr. Freeman who I was hoping would give me some news I could live with.
My labs show some elevations, the MRI shows the spot on my hip bone has grown twice as big as last year at this time, it is NOT bursitis, but possibly the bone is deteriorating ??  I was told to go back to oncology-- Frustrated is an understatement--I'm trying really hard to see the positive in all of this, but just needed to vent a little--OK I'm done--

Porche or Pinto

The past couple of days have been rough, not a lot of sleep, insomnia is kicking me in the behind.  It's the worst feeling to be up all night, staring at the ceiling, knowing in just a couple hours I have to get up and go to work.   Part of the reason for this besides the obvious hormonal, cancer crap, is I just realized that Us Airways has changed our insurance carriers, and I may not be able to go to Mayo Clinic anymore--when I opened the envelope and read it, I literally wanted to throw up, I felt sick.  Eric had just got home from work when I was reading the mail, I asked Blake to please go get him, when he came down stairs I asked him to read it too, he read it, and read it and then read it again, the next couple of hours I tried to find out some information but of course the offices are closed until Monday--I was watching Recker he was a great distraction, he and I jumped on the trampoline together, I had to keep saying to myself "it's OK, whatever happens, you can't control this, so just go with whatever happens"  yeah right, this means no more Dr. Northfelt, Dr. Magtibay, Dr. Freeman, Dr. Kreymerman,  MaryAnn Forrett,,  and all the wonderful people who have touched my life and been with me from the beginning of my journey. I could not get my mind off of it, I watched a movie with Recker on my bed, he makes me laugh and takes everything away just for a little bit--I loved that time with him, as soon as he fell asleep on my chest, I laid him next to me and just stared at him--he is so perfect, so untouched by the worries of the world.
Needless to say Eric and I were up all night worrying about this insurance thing, I went down stairs and laid on the sofa, it wasn't long before he was sitting next to me.  I love Eric, he looked at me and said "no matter what I want you to be at Mayo Clinic with your doctors, I will make it happen"  I told him it's not fair, it's not  that I think Mayo Clinic is superior to any other facility, it's just that those are MY people, they  are the ones who I cried with, the doctors I love and who I feel love me and know me.  I will never share with any other  doctors what I shared with Dr. Kreymerman and Dr. Magtibay they know a part of my life that I have never shared with anyone else, except Eric.  I was so upset I looked at Eric and said "it's like driving a Porche and then all of sudden being told you have to drive a Pinto, but you are going to have to pay more for it.  He looked at me and responded "yes sweetheart, but you still have a car"

Insomnia freaks me out🚩

As grateful and elated as I am to have my son home with me, if I am totally honest I will say I'm scared to death right now.  I am having a lot of really irregular symptoms,  nausea, INSOMNIA night after night even when I've taken my medicine I still cannot sleep, sort of reminds me of the days I was dealing with chemo and radiation--SORT OF-- headaches, my heart is making extra beats or stopping all together, it's hard to tell sometimes,  the pain in my legs has returned in full bloom, feels just like the neuropathy and last but not least my hip pain has gotten a whole lot worse--these type of conditions make me crazy in the head.   I have this feeling I'm about to be taught a lesson.  Today I went to Mayo for some blood draw, the girl taking my blood could not of been more than 18 years old, she apologized before she stuck me, I guess that should of been my first clue that this was not going to go over very well for me--she stuck my arm and it pinched and burned like no other--I looked down and to my surprise there was no blood coming out into the vile--she said "Is that hurting you?"  My reply was very nicely "uh y y yes darlin' it hurts real bad take the needle out and start over please" by this time my rear end was raised up out of the seat, and I'm pretty sure she could tell by the look on my face I was in some pain, then the cute little nurse said "Oh no, I have a one stick policy, I will get someone else to try"  Thank Heaven for that, I was not willing to go through that ordeal again.  I ended up with 3 sticks to the arms (yes that would be plural) not complaining but the reason why I have a port sticking out of my chest is for this exact reason--NOT TO BE STUCK A MILLION TIMES--even if the needle is the size of a nail head I would rather be accessed and stuck with that then be stuck 3 times by a nurse who looked like she was still in daycare.
I fear that my body is giving in, giving in to the VILLAIN--or am I just getting old and this is what happens?  What ever it is--I say NO, I don't like it it feels weird to be up at 2 am writing about stuff I know nothing about, except that I do know the pain I am in is real,  Next week I will go see Dr. Northfelt well more like Maryann Forrett for my oncology visit--I have a few things we need to talk about, 1st off I want to ask if I could at least see Dr. N once a year I need the reassurance from him.  Marayann is wonderful and I love her but for me at least I need to see my oncologists face once in awhile.   Dr. N is so busy, he is a big part of the administrative end of oncology  at Mayo Clinic but I need a dr who wants to grace me with his or her presence once in a while.  My list of stuff to ask about is getting longer an longer, Maryann is in for a treat when I go to Mayo on Monday.

Time To Get Away From Life's Trials🚩

Envoy--USAIRWAYS no better way to fly

the food

 One year ago Eric surprised me with a trip to Paris, it was an incredible trip and we decided that this time every year we are going to take the time together and plan a trip to places we have always wanted to go--NO REGRETS is our theme for life.
On Wednesday I flew with Kayla, Jeremy and Recker from New Haven Connecticut to Philadelphia they needed to catch their connecting flight back to Arizona and I was meeting with Eric to fly to Frankfurt Germany then on to Venice--One of the perks of working for USAIRWAYS is Eric and I are able to fly for free, and we can upgrade to 1st class when it is available, this makes it affordable for us to go on these trips.  As we snuggled into our very comfortable Envoy seats  I began to think about all that  has crossed my path this year.  This time last year I was just starting to get some hair.  When I returned from Paris with Eric, Dr. Kreymerman and I had a date in the OR to take out my expanders and finish up my reconstructive surgery, went back into surgery just a week before Christmas to finish up with PK.  Blake passed his year mark on his mission. One smidge of information I have not shared with many people --While I was in Paris last year I began to bleed vaginally, I tried very hard to keep it from Eric but when I woke up one night with a hemorage  I could not hide it any longer and he insisted I see Dr. Magtibay when we got home.   Dr. Magtibay is my gynocological oncologist, with some concern that the cancer had returned we scheduled a partial hysterectomy for January.  I remember crying in his office when he told me, he asked why I was so scared and confused about this surgery, I finally for the 1st time in my life opened up to him and Dr. Kreymerman about my fears-I do not feel comfortable talking about the details here on my blog, but I will say it has everything to do with the sexual abuse I endured as a child.  I cannot even begin to explain how difficult it was to talk about those details, to actually say the words outloud made me want to vomit.  I felt safe and comforted with both Dr. Magtibay and Kreymerman.  On the day of my surgery Dr. Kreymerman knowing how hard this surgery was going to be on me showed up in his scrubs just before they knocked me out, when he came in I could actually feel my heart leap in my chest, just before I was in a fetal position hysterically crying.  This was not his day in the hospital and probably had some patients waiting at the Clinic, but right now he was there for me, holding my hand his smiling face was the last I saw before I went out. I truly Love Dr. Peter Kreymerman. That was a special day for me.  I now look over at Eric and he is so asleep, snoring as loud as ever, this man means more to me than he or anyone else will ever know.  When I think about all he has endured with me and never complained, not one time it makes me smile...we belong together, and the past couple of months have been rough on me, without him I think I would of had a break down.  Some of you who have read my blog know about my friend Trystan, I met her about a year ago when she emailed me after reading my blog one evening.  Without going into all the details I will tell you that she told me she had a 2 year old daughter named Paige who died in a car accident she too was in a coma for 5 months, during that time her husband committed suicide, now she was going through cancer treatments and needed someone to talk to, when she found my blog and emailed me I was more than happy to share what I knew with her, over the next 7 months or so we became very close friends. During most of this time she was in the Mayo Hospital in Rochester where she was not only fighting the cancer with chemo, she needed a kidney which I was asked to donate to her, after talking it over with my family I decided I would. Our family fasted, prayed and even invited her to be included in our FHE on Monday nights via the phone.  There are so many more details that I really don't want to go into, but we found out she was a fraud, she never had a child that died in fact she has never given birth or been married, she did not have cancer--basically everything she told me was a lie her purpose was to find women who are vulnerable and get them to donate to a fake non profit organization she has for children with cancer, and for the kidney foundation--however the money is being directly deposited into her personal bank account.  I have now been in contact with at least 7 women who have been hurt by her.  The embarrassment and stress this has caused me is difficult to explain but one thing I know for sure is that the Lord has things happen in our lives for a  reason, I believe the reason is so that Shannon, April, Lisa, Donna, Ashley, Carol, Helen and the others could bless my life with their love and compassion, they have all become great friends thanks to Trystan--oh and by the way Trystan is not her name according to her parole officer.  I still continue to pray for her to get the help she needs and to find some peace in her life.
HONEST: I love People
TRUTH:  This could happen to anyone--maybe even me again
REALITY:  Life brings all sorts of people into our lives, we need to learn from them all
LEARNED:  Be myself-ALWAYS-it's not necessary to be a friend with someone who is not true to themselves or to you--I CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE

Now as I sit in this seat flying over international seas my thoughts are changed to another problem that is drowning my brain ....MY MOM--Recently I received a phone call from Ron Lundberg, his wife Susan is my moms best friend, Ron says my mom is not doing well and the husband and wife who are living with her as her health care workers are moving to Texas after being with her for 2 years.
This has been weighing on my mind for weeks now. She is not able to care for herself and refuses to move into a facility--the healthcare worker is turning her over to the state for evaluation.  I explained to Ron and Susan if I thought for one second my taking her in and caring for her would change anything I would in a heart beat--I asked him if I could pray  about it and discuss it with my sisters before making a decision, there is so much more detail to this story that I don't want to judge or go into it on my blog.  My heart is telling me maybe there is some HOPE for our mother daughter relationship, but my mind is saying NO WAY should I go there--my doctors are aware of the situation and in no way think I should be putting myself in any stressful situations--I took a week to think about it pray about it and discuss it with my sisters, then we met with Susan and Ron, they too have prayed about this situation and confirmed what Heavenly Father has already told me--now is not the time, she is not ready to change her heart--she would like an apology from me---I am not sure exactly what I need to apologize for but I would over and over again if I thought it would help cure and mend her heart. I spiritually, mentally and physically cannot put myself through this again--so for now, again, I turn it over to the Lord and let him take care of what I can't.  My thoughts and prayers will continually be with her for her health and spiritual well being.
So with that all being said--I am ready for a vacation from LIFE --we just arrived in Venice and I am excited about our little adventure.

Why?

***I wrote this last week, but just finished it this morning***

Today I took the long way home from Mayo Clinic, worlds away from the noise of the world. It felt so good to be in my own thoughts.  I have been so afraid to go see Dr. Magtibay.  It's hard to explain to anyone who does not know the journey of my life.  Questions why are always on my mind lately.  The questions Why are not Why did these things happen to me?  I am way past that.  Now I say WHY NOT ME? In that respect.

 I know I  chose this life before I came to this earth, I have dreamed of being in a little white dress with the angels surrounding me when I said good-bye to my friends and family.  Heavenly Father had and has a plan for me.  The questions in my mind are more like how did such an abused and neglected child stay so close to the plan, how did I continue to have FAITH and HOPE in a world that seemed so dark?  Why did Heavenly Father have so much FAITH and HOPE in me? I have made so many mistakes,  Why has the Lord blessed me with so many miracles in my life?  Eric, oh how I love him and realize more and more everyday that he was such a blessing to my life when I met him, I was lost and alone, he saved me.  He was part of the plan, I know the Lord knew I needed a man exactly like Eric to get me through the rough years that would be ahead of us.  

Why, would the Lord give me his trust?  There was so much destruction in my path and I could of taken a different road, the only thing I knew and know for sure is that I want to be worthy in his eyes, inside and out, HE has blessed me with so much in my life.  I know everyday I live,  HE has divine intentions for me, it's up to me to stick to HIS design for me.

Why have I been so blessed with the best doctors?  I love Dr. Peter Kreymerman and know that Eric was inspired when he chose to have me go to Mayo Clinic.  Now I have  Dr. Magtibay to add to my list of blessings, my appointment went great with him and he too is a kind and a gentle man, he works in the same office area as Dr. Kreymerman.  It felt weird to walk through the office space and not see Heather, or PK.  I miss them.

I'm going to start exercising again, this time taking it slow, knowing I will have an uphill challenge, being more realistic this time knowing I will never be the athlete I was, it's ok though I will do what I can and be grateful.