Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Just when I started to feel a little sorry for myself, I would get a phone call from someone stranded trying to get to their loved ones funeral, or wedding, a lady who's brother's remains were being sent, he died in service to our Country, people sleeping in hostel's or sleeping at the airport for a week because they cannot afford a hotel/motel or they were all booked to capacity, so many desperate stories of people's lives, it touched me and brought me back to reality. I really do have so much to be grateful for. LIVE FREE LIFE IS GOOD
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I've been thinking a lot this week about what the words "I LOVE YOU" mean to me. So many songs are written about this word LOVE, just about every "chick flick" has to do with LOVE .... does it have different meanings to different people? From the beginning of time there has been LOVE, Adam and Eve were created to LOVE one another, and through all generations of time LOVE has been interpreted in so many ways.
Is LOVE taught, or are we born with that natural instinct? Even though I never heard the words " I love You" growing up, I'm pretty sure my mother loved me.... I mean seriously how could you not, right? ha ha
No really seriously, I think when a mother holds her baby in her arms for the 1st time, at least this is how it was for me--it was instant LOVE--more than LOVE it was I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU, I want to protect and care for you forever and ever. This type of LOVE grows for a mother and father as they learn to serve that child everyday, changing diapers, bathing, soothing, burping, cleaning up after, restless nights with no sleep--that kind of service and sacrifice can only be understood by a parent who unconditionally loves-- As the child grows they too, learn to say "I LOVE YOU" they learn to trust in you and respect you for the rules that have been set in the home--then something happens when they become teenagers--pushing the buttons, trying to get away with things, some rebel more than others and make it difficult to LOVE unconditionally-- some teens may stop saying the words "I love you" they may even act as if they don't want to hear it from you, but we never stop saying it those are the years they need to hear it the most, so faithfully we continue to love them, we get on our knees praying morning and night hoping they will understand why they need to be obedient. The most rewarding words I have ever heard from my children were "I love you, because you loved me no matter what"
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Once again I am feeling like I need help from my Heavenly Father to keep my soul still and lift me through the thorny parts of life. I have learned to listen to my heart, and search my soul, but I sometimes still doubt myself and pray that I am making the right decisions..there are things sometimes we need to let go, but still I question if I am doing all the Lord wants me to. I so want that chapter of my life to be over--but how?
I spoke today with my mother's bishop and he advised me that she is not doing well and refuses to get the proper help that she needs, the church has done all they can do to help her financially, physically and spiritually--they will continue to help her financially however, he explained that she needs 24 hour care, she cannot take care of herself, she told him and others that she will not move away from her home. I asked him if I could help financially, he said he wished it was that easy--Her heart has become so hard, the women from the church have gone over and helped her dress morning and night, take her doctor appointments, clean the house, and so much more. She has blamed them of stealing things, and over stepped her boundries with these wonderful woman, she has caused them all to run. Oh how I wish this was easier, for years I have prayed that she would soften her heart. Going through my cancer treatments I was so grateful to have family and friends to help me, but I have always longed for a mother to love me, to laugh with, cry with and share with. I am trying to recover from the last couple of years, I have learned to rely on the Lord for everything--I love deeper, feel more compassion, look at life as a gift, always talk about service to others, and treasure everyday I wake up to children I adore and a husband who keeps me smiling. Now, as I am faced with this, I wonder what I am supposed to learn--If I thought for one second I could change her heart I would be at her doorstep in a heartbeat--but I'm scared, I've been so hurt, the Lord has answered so many prayers in this respect telling me to move forward and live my life, be the mother I always wanted my mom to be, be the wife I dreamed of being as a teenager. I've been told over and over again to stay away from stress, my doctors have warned me adding excessive stress can feed my type of cancer--I know that should be the answer right? It's not that simple, she's my mother--our Heavenly Father would not turn his back on any of his children, non of them, so now what? I can feel the anxiety coming on right now--
(the above was written by me on Sunday)
Today is Tuesday, I am just now getting around to writing about some of the experiences I have had this week. Sunday after I spoke with my mother's bishop I decided I really needed to pray about this situation--so as usual I found a quite space in my son Blake's room and knelt to pray for guidance in this situation I've been placed in. That night I had a hard time sleeping, but finally got my mind to think of my happy place in Paris--I fell asleep and dreamed, I dreamed of a time when my mother was soft and gentle--in this dream I was perfectly aware of the life I am in right now, but was feeling the emotions of a child --this part is hard to explain. I went to my kitchen table and wrote a letter, a heart-felt letter, one of love and compassion but also one letting her know how I feel today as a woman, a woman who knows what it is to be a mother, a wife and most important a daughter of God. In this letter there was no blaming or accusations of any type, just allowing myself to hopefully let her see a part of my heart that she has never known--then the next part of the dream I mailed the letter to her Bishop and asked him to read it to her--I woke from the dream and knew that my prayers had been answered, I need to write that letter. I love that the Lord knows that I need him every hour, even while I'm sleeping.
Monday, August 15, 2011
WOW. life just comes atcha sometimes. Recently I posted a blog about getting away from life's trials, after this post I received dozens of emails asking me to tell more about what happened with Trystan. One person left an anonymous comment, that left me to believe it was Trystan ....Over the past few years I have posted so much personal stuff about my life and there are times people will leave an anonymous comment, those have never bothered me because I understand and can appreciate if they want to express to me how they feel without revealing who they are thank you for your comments by the way I look forward to seeing them, if it was you Trys I hope your life is going well I continue to pray for you, if it was not Trystan I hope you will understand why I am cautious.
With a lot of prayer and consideration I decided I would blog about some of the details of what happened with Trystan and how we came to find out she was not being truthful. Please know that I, in no way shape or form want to re-live this again, it has been a terrible experience and I am still trying to make some sense out of it. With that being said I also want to make some awareness so that others will not have to go through this, actually most of you are much wiser than I am and would not allow yourself to be put in this situation, but if you know someone like me have them read this if you feel they are.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Click here to read the blog post my daughter wrote. Haleigh is an inspiration to me, she was the only child living at home when I went through my breast cancer treatments, she saw it all and never complained even though it was the beginning of her Senior Year in High School and she had to deal with the VILLAIN everyday--my heart filled with love and tears ran from my eyes when I read this. Honestly, I had no idea she even remembered the date .... shame on me for thinking she was not as effected as she obviously was. I am so grateful to the Lord for protecting her and keeping her safe during that time of our lives.
It's really hard to believe a year has gone by since Eric and I took our fairytale trip to Paris--Now here we are back again. We loved it, stayed at a very nice hotel--it was all part of the Euro-Pass package--Euro Pass not so great--Hotels-- 5 star plus and beautiful--and free
|Frenchie is back|
|The Park, the panini's the fountains|
|Bikes, Crepes, the beautiful buildings|
|The gargoyles, Frenchie, My favorite bird man|
|Eiffel Tower, Seine River, pigeon lady|
|Pastries, parks and castles|
|Self Portraits-waiting for our bikes|
|Bike Rides in My Happy Place|
|We loved this tree|
|Last day in Paris, the hotel, the man selling Sorbet out of his truck|
|The Castle--European Smile Experiment|
|Michael Jackson dancing in the streets|
|Our last meal in Paris -- Frenchie eats Mussels-Steak & Potatoes-Chocolate Mousse|
Monya-french onion soup-Spaghetti -Flan with Caramel Sauce
|The Macaroons-buildings-doors, and graffiti|
The day we took the bus out to my "happy place" to ride bikes was my favorite day ever--last year we did the same thing and I took that memory with me every time I had surgery or had to face an anxiety attack coming on--I feel at HOME in that place--it was beautiful nothing had changed--my thoughts as I rode my bike through the beautiful tree lined paths was that this is peaceful, no outside world to influence me, no noise but the birds and wind blowing in my face. I saw no cell phones, no computers, no distractions--I was deep in thought and as Frenchie and I sat on a rock talking next to the lake I told him "please don't spend money on an expensive casket for me when I die, just cremate me put me in a Dixie cup, bring me here and spread my ashes" he laughed but I was serious. I love that place, this is the place where I am completely FREE, free from all life's worries, here there is no VILLAIN, no-one to disappoint me or hurt me, everywhere I look there are people holding hands, kissing, hugging, laughing--simply put they are enjoying LIFE. On my shirt that day were the words C'est Bon -- Frenchie said it means "It's all Good" perfect words for the day I had -- Life is Good --
Friday, August 12, 2011
I wish I could of been able to blog everyday on our trip, the cost of using the internet on the Ship was outrageous, Eric actually did buy us a plan because he knew how important it is to me to keep a journal of all we do, however, it would take over an hour to upload pictures or post anything that ended up costing us, even the email I sent to Blake he didn't get in time--so here I am blogging the experience all at once-better than nothing I guess--I always have a note pad with me and write down feelings and impressions as I get them anyway.
1st off we decided at the last minute to book this cruise-a few months ago Eric and I attended a fundraiser and he donated some money, in return we were given a 1st class Euro-Rail pass--sounds exotic and fun huh? Not so much for people our age--the pass includes being able to visit 5 or 6 countries all having to border eachother--we never took into thought that we would have to also lug our luggage through railway stations, up and down stairs and through cities with cobblestone roads--we both laughed and decided to make it an adventure never to forget--and in true form of all that I believe in--LEARN SOMETHING FROM IT--Never take more clothes than you need--one carry-on- easy to wheel around is perfect--
|We were on a balcony suite this is our room and view at Sunset|
|Croatia is beautiful--lots of sunshine and beaches to see|
|We met this guy with Eric who was from the Dominican Republic, he|
lives where Blake was just transferred from
|The small streets and alley ways are beautiful|
|We rented the red car, loved all the local organic fruits|
and veggies, and no we did not attend the Nudist Camp just thought
it was interesting--never seen this before
|This is Split Croatia--|
The next day we ported in Kotor Montenegro, a country I really had never thought of visiting but I am sure glad we had the opportunity it was beautiful. Eric and I had different ideas of what to do, so we first wend on a boat tour to see the back side of this beautiful country--I am not a fan of tours, but being with Eric I am a fan of so off we went--
|The River Tour|
|I know Eric really didn't want to hike 1300 steps up|
then 1300 down again--but I was so proud of him
|The beautiful view from the top of the fortrest|
|We were hot and sweaty afterwards, but it felt so good|
to get a good exercise in
|Part of the river tour and the steps to start our hike|
|Eric bought this ring and pendant for me|
|Creme Brulee' my favorite|
|Eric ate all of these desserts one night on the cruise|
|just a picture from one of the staircases of the cruise ship|