Why are you happy?

I was recently asked "why are you happy, and how do you remain happy?" The truth is, I have to work on Happiness every day of my life.  I did not intend on being diagnosed with late stages of breast cancer, or the side effects that followed.  I thought at the time it was a joke,  I was still going to continue training for that Marathon I always wanted to run.  To me, I was happy, after all I had the life I always dreamed of, stay at home mom, room mother for all 4 of my children's classrooms, loved driving the girls to dance and Blake to baseball.  My life was surrounded with good friends, and a wonderful family.

 I have always been a runner, kick boxer, cycler, core trained and weight lifter, this was my life and I loved every second of it. The day I had to listen to a doctor explain to me what type of cancer I had I did not respond, Eric was crying it was such a blur, why was he crying? This is not real, we will get a second opinion and of course I will continue to train because this is not real. Even now when I look back at that day, it amazes me how I responded, no tears, no emotion at all.  Blake was at the airport flying up to Utah to see his girlfriend Lecith, and Kaitlyn was living in Utah going to school and loving life, she had found the man of her dreams and I could not be happier with her choice. Eric called Blake and asked him to come home, he wouldn't, he told Eric to just tell him what was up. When Eric told him, he was angry thinking we knew for awhile and just didn't tell him, I explained to him the doctor had just told me I had no idea....we did not hear from or see Blake for a week, he went to Utah and would not answer his phone.  We then called Kaitlyn to tell her, and she reacted just like I did, no emotion--however, Brian told me later that she was really upset, maybe she thought like I did, this was just a little thing that was going to go away.  Kayla, Jeremy and Haleigh met us at the house and I remember Eric standing at the kitchen sink, the kids and I were sitting at the table, I just said it "I have cancer" immediate silence entered the room.  Kayla started to cry, Eric was still crying, Jeremy was in a sullen mood, not sure how to react, but asked if I wanted a blessing. Haleigh, she was and is my baby girl, this announcement could not have come at a worse time for her, it was a week before her senior year of High School.

Since that day I have had to learn to smile with my eyes, and listen with my heart.  I had no idea what was about to explode in our lives as the Villain took over. The "things" that were so important to me, suddenly were insignificant.  The first 3 years I never went one minute of my life without thinking about the Villain, every appointment, bone scan, MRI, and test that was written out on my Mayo Clinic itinerary gave me anxiety.  I still get anxiety when I step off the elevator onto the 3rd floor of the Mayo Clinic, I can smell the chemo, the sickness is in the air.

Tonight, I just can't sleep my mind is racing, I feel unprepared for this trial I am having now.  I need some calmness in my life.  I just want to fall asleep and be with Eric's mom and Dad, dream of being in a safe place, with no pain, no hurt and in the arms of people who unconditionally love me.  I have to remind myself everyday of the many blessings I have.  I see my reflection in the mirror and want to cry. I don't expect anyone to truly understand.  Now, I have to learn to accept the person I see in the mirror, and remember to smile with my eyes.  I loved Elder Holland's talk about depression, I have read it over and over again. Depression is REAL, if you have ever experienced it, you know what I am talking about.  When Robin Williams took his life recently, so much discussion on how selfish he was.  I know I cannot completely understand his reasons, my heart was with him, how well he hid his depression and made us all laugh, while he was struggling with his own demons.

I don't think a person can actually go through some of the things I have endured and be unchanged.  So I say to the people who feel discouraged and mis understood, have faith,  hold onto the knowledge you have of Hope for a better day. I loved when Elder Holland said "above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can ever comprehend" It's amazing to me that the love He has for us never leaves, He will always love us, that love is unconditional.  I so wish I could say I am happy all the time, that simply would not be true, I struggle with it daily, but know it is a choice and it feels better than being depressed.You can wake up everyday and decide to make the most of the life you have been given. It does not  necessarily mean changing your world, but changing the way you look at it.

Back to Work

I made the decision to go back to work, my doctors in Cleveland would of wanted me to wait a bit longer, but I can't sit around.  I look in the mirror and I am still not quite ready to accept what I see, I really thought I was.  Last week I finished my work, it was a difficult transition, my eye continues to be such bothersome issue.  Cleveland Clinic PA told me to massage the lower lid to strengthen the muscle, I have been doing that still it waters constantly to the point of not being able to see out of my right eye. Mayo Clinic says I have chronic dry eye, which is weird since it waters all the time, the are trying to fit me in this week.  Work was really hard, my foot is was so swollen by the end of each day, I have had a hard time getting my shoes on. I tried to spend the weekend elevating it, I don't have a strong education about how nerves all I know is it takes a year for things to truly heal.  If this last surgery did not work, this is what is next.  The will make an incision from my hairline, ear to ear, pull back my face and take the nerve from the left side and attach it to the nerve on the right side, then wait another year.

Being at work I felt vulnerable as I walked into the building, I usually like to smile and greet  people with a happy attitude. Problem a lot of people did not recognize me with my short hair and odd looking face.  I even had someone ask if I gained all my weight while I was gone....Yes I did...I was on 2 different steroids and ballooned up a bit.  I am now off of them and back to my normal eating habits so hopefully I can get back to my normal weight.  I know when others notice, then it must be an obvious change.

I am always amazed at what my brain can retain, and what takes time to recall.  My job at US Airways is in the International Reservations Department, there is a lot of information most people take for granted that they know how to do.  I've realized since being back, how amazing my brain is, reactivating those brain cells and muscles I have not used for a few months is slowly coming back without having to look at my notes.

Personally, I am struggling to keep my spirits up and stay positive. Some of the ways I do this is to continue to read from a good book everyday for 30 minutes...this gives me HOPE in my purpose in life. It is so easy to wonder "why" when that happens, I have to get on my knees and say "thank you for this trial,  I am trying so hard to understand, please give me guidance and strength to know what to do, now that it is done there is not much I can do to change it, but now it is time for reality and for me to live with it, I accept that, but please help me along the way, give those nudges of the spirit when I am bombarded with doubt" 

I marvel at my ignorance, I once thought I had all I could deal with as a youth, and that my Heavenly Father had given me quite a challenge to overcome, and when I finally did and was able to truly forgive and move forward I just knew that was it for me .....  I seriously thought if I could overcome that, I would be left alone for life...no more trials.  I think He really does give us what He knows we can handle, but I believe He is also trying to teach me something through all this.  I had a dream that allowed me to see and was specifically told that I have a purpose here on earth, it's just so hard to grasp what I've been asked to do and not say "why? why me?  I try to believe that I am of infinite worth and that I  should be saying  "why not" Maybe because I know all my faults and know the things I need to work on, I am not a special person, no different than anyone else, it seems the world is filled with people who are struggling.  There is a part of me that wants to negotiate my way out of this one.

The Outcasts

Ok first before I start blabbering my thoughts, I have to blog about this while it is fresh on my mind or I'll forget. (Most of the time I have a note book with me to write down the weird, interesting and funny things I see) I just got home from Sprouts, got a couple bags of nuts, different kinds that I like, you know the self serve buckets? I love the brazil nuts, raw almonds, and one bag of mixed nuts for Eric.  Then I picked up a few fruits I liked and was on my way out the door.  This lady was standing by the door, she looked confused so I asked her if she needed any help.....she said "why, do you work here?" I said "no I just thought you might be looking for a cart, you can have mine if you would like it." I tried to smile, but let's face it my smile these days is not beautiful to look at, she looked at me and said "are you a weirdo or something?" I couldn't help it I started laughing, I replied "yep, I am now what do we do?" She was so flustered she didn't know what to do, I just looked at her and said "Here's a bag of mixed nuts for you, and a Live Happy Magazine.....enjoy your evening"  I got to my car, oh no she did not.....yes she followed me....she said "why did you give me this?"  I said, "because I thought you'd enjoy reading about something happy today" she threw the magazine back but kept the nuts.....???? Seriously, I think it was the best day I've had in a long time. Let's be honest, would you keep the magazine or the nuts?  I'd keep the magazine before I'd keep the nuts, because I'm weird like that, I would not take food from someone I don't know--germs--all that stuff.  That was funny.

Now on to some more serious matters.  I can't get this kid off my mind, I met him, or actually I saw him walking along the road, all alone.  I was waiting at a light that took three green lights to get through, for some reason my head was totally consumed with this kid.  He was walking with his head down, he looked so sad, his clothes were tattered and torn, I wondered  the light turned green and I moved a few inches, I noticed he was going into a Circle K. Yes, I did, I pulled into the Circle K--(something I never do) a little stalkerish, but I was so intrigued for some reason in this kid.  I keep saying kid, I think he was 17-19.  I walked into the Circle K just before him and held the door open , he quietly said "thanks"
"your welcome" I responded.  I pretended to be shopping, yeah right, like what am I going to buy at Circle K" I just watched him, 1st he went into the bathroom--oh great now I have to wait even longer and there is nothing I need from this store.  I asked the person behind the counter "do you carry those, um Troli gummy eggs?" (my son in law loves them) the clerk was very friendly he said "no we don't, sorry"  great, even more time--then I said "can I get a HUGE cup of your ice and pour water in it?" "oh yes, people do that all the time"  Just as I finished filling my cup with water, the boy came out of the bathroom.  He looked as though he had combed his hair and washed up a little. I proceeded to the counter, when I heard the boy ask "are you hiring?" the store manager looked up. gave the boy a look like he was crazy...."Uh, no we are not hiring" again the boy put his head down he looked desperate.  I was so touched by him, I have no idea why, I went and filled another cup with a cherry coke slurpy, paid for it and handed it to the boy. I just told him it was hot outside and I noticed he was walking, maybe the slurpy would help him cool off a little.  To my astonishment he looked down at me and said while looking right at my face "thank you mam" I have not stopped thinking about him, upset with myself that I didn't ask more, or do more.  I don't know why some of us are more blessed than others, but I will never let that happen again.  I feel like some of them are blown around, maybe some poor, homeless, some by choices they have made, maybe by choices out of their control.  Either way I feel like if we don't ask Heavenly Father to help them, no one will.  I believe we are all children of the same God.  I've always said I don't believe in LUCK, we are blessed, not lucky.....lucky is for Las Vegas.

I am usually not one to fear talking to people, and I was in no way scared of this young man, actually the opposite.  It reminded me of kids in school who are or were seeking for friends, but pushed away because they weren't "cool enough"  For some reason the poor and unblessed, the weak and the somewhat odd,  are miss understood and outcast from circles.  I know we are all children of God and need to watch out for each other.  Some would say I am crazy, and that I need to stay away from the outcasts, but it makes me that much more interested, I don't know if I can help or not, but I do know it's my responsibility to at least try...I may get a bag of nuts, or a magazine thrown at me, but when this feeling I'm having will not go away, I KNOW I should of done something for this boy--I left there feeling really uneasy--thinking and knowing-that our Heavenly Father created these children and I know He will never cast them out--and I know He will show them the mercy they did not get here on earth.

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

There is not much to say, I went to Mayo Clinic today, and will be back tomorrow.  For today, my ear has suddenly decided to take a turn for the worse.  Yesterday I woke up with black on my pillow, I thought it might be some dried blood, no such luck--it was fresh and black, but it was also Easter and I wanted to spend a great day with my family.
I felt really dizzy most of the day, had some problems during sacrament concentrating as my ear was pounding in my head like a heart beat.  When I bowed my head during prayer I thought my head was going to explode and the equilibrium was way off when I stood up.  I saw Stephen Phelps on the stand and focused on the fact that I knew he was in pain too...sounds strange, but it was my way at that time of distracting myself.  He is such an inspiration, not many know of the pain he has, yet every week he's there playing the organ so beautifully, his testimony through his music plays directly to my heart every time.
I wore a shirt today that said "Don't forget to Smile" love that shirt--today it helped me to get past the complaining passengers who were upset about their seat assignment or the guy who could not understand why US Airways would not allow him to bring is sheep on board to ride with the rest of the customers---???  !!!  Yeah, those are the calls I get, my friend who sits next to me is always listening to my calls, he draws a big smiley face and tacks it on the wall in front of me--so today I wore that shirt for Frank.
I was able to meet up with my dear friend Jori today, we had an hour or so to visit while we both got manicures, she is still dealing with the loss of her son C.J. as she explained her Easter Sunday my heart was full and I was trying to hold back the tears when she described the day.  I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I could not handle that one--losing a child is not something I want to ever endure, but if I do, Jori will be the one I go to.  She's strong, and has wisdom I could use.
Tonight, I want to be strong like the branches of a tree, when a storm is raging.  Time to get back down on my knees and ask Him to help me be strong like the wind--hoping that wind will push me further up this hill I'm climbing.
I've done all I can do, listened to my doctors, taken my medicine, tried natural path, now it's time, time for me to decide if what I preach I can put to action.   While at the doctor today, the cute resident who is usually there was not seeing me today, I'm not sure if she is in that department anymore.  Today I saw another cute resident, he looked in my ear, didn't say much, left the room to get Dr. Barr's.  When he came in I said while holding out my shirt "don't forget to smile" trying to keep the energy positive,  he said "I hope you can smile" I was sure he was going to tell me all was well in the journey of my ear problems.  Boy was I off, it was actually the opposite.  He brought in Kathleen his nurse to take a look, then he and she sucked out what they could.  They rattled off a bunch of medical terms I'm not aware of, basically what I was told he wants to get this surgery ASAP--when Kathleen mentioned tomorrow--I was a little shocked--I'm not being given any choices?  I guess I've been hoping putting off the inevitable, I thought I would be smarter than the doctor----big mistake---he's made an earthquake shake my soul today.  So much for that "don't forget to smile" shirt.
Am I missing something?  I've been wanting to move out of the shadows and into the sun, taking baby steps, reconnecting with friends I've not had time to see or spend time with in years, being a partner in a company who's core values are exactly what I believe in.  I'm finally comfortable where I am in my life, an occasional visit to Mayo Clinic would  be OK, these weekly visits are annoying me.  Dr. Northfelt can't tell me I'm cancer free, but I've learned to live with that, cope with it, trust in Him.  Today I felt more alone than I have in a very long time.  I had an appointment after Mayo Clinic, when I left there I pulled over my car and cried a river, then said a prayer, listened for an answer--NOTHING !  When I've searched for answers in the past, I've always trusted He will answer back, He's always shown me that I can handle any trial that comes my way, I've always felt Him beside me, but today, today I didn't feel it.  I'm scared, I know he knows the strength I have, I know He understands where my heart is, what is wrong this time?  I feel like I'm being pulled back into that black hole, the one that took me 4 years to crawl out of.  I need my friends, I want to be with them, but I don't ever want them to see me like I was today.  Tomorrow, Mayo Clinic will show up on my caller ID, so many times I want to go back to the days of no cell phones, stay in a place of happiness until I get home and listen to messages from our home phone, what happened to those days?  Tonight, it's time for me to get to sleep, it's quiet here, Eric is asleep I haven't even had time to talk to him today.  We have been so happy working together with something we both believe in, now I'm supposed to do what? These surgeries will put me so far behind my goals--but for now, I'm going to bed, hopefully sleeping until 4:30 when I will rise up and start my day again.  I said "I will not have another surgery, no more I'm done, it's time to let it go and let  the Lord do what he thinks is best"  I guess taking the rain with the sunshine, is the only way I will get to see the rainbows.

He knows me

It's so difficult to know yourself, I mean really know yourself well enough to know when enough is enough.  I woke up this morning really feeling like I've been here forever,  depressed, I drug myself out the bed into the bathroom trying hard to see what was so great about today....?  With tears running down my face I looked at myself in the mirror that same mirror I 1st stared at my flat chested scared breasts, the same mirror I stared at my bald head inspecting every inch of it, today while I look at myself I wonder what is worse, being completely bald or partially bald? The past couple of days have been pulling me down, I'm in desperate need of the Lord to come find me---light a torch under me--writing here on this blog is where I can find myself,  especially on the days when I just don't understand, when I don't want to ask why, or I don't want to hear or feel anything, nothing, where I can hide in the shadows cry all I want and  know HE knows HE is the only one who knows what I'm feeling, I have theses bittersweet tears, sleepless nights  every now and then, that end up becoming  a heartbreak that is so sacred and beautiful to me, its difficult to even describe.  I wonder if even the bravest of the brave ever have these moments? Today I lit a fire log and stared at it as flames went to ashes, one day my light will go out and all that will be left is ashes--will I have done enough? I have been given so many tender mercies, and I truly have come to learn that HE is the tender behind the mercy--no doubt about that, but even with this knowledge I sometimes feel so alone.

I remember a time in my life when I wanted to turn around and leave it all behind, I begged and pleaded with the Lord to leave me alone, stay away, quit helping me, I didn't want HIS help anymore I really just wanted to end it all. If I could of I would of run my car off a cliff, that was the plan.  But I made my choice that day to take on HIS name, I turned my car around and from that day forward I have been true to that promise to HIM.  I feel this oneness with those who decide for whatever reason to take their own lives, my compassion and love for them runs deep, this is a world of weakness and we live in it.  When my mind starts to wonder over to that side, I know its time to be thankful, be grateful, by humble and thank HIM who loves me so much.  There have been times when I've closed that door on him and  know many others who have done the same, but what I've learned is that HE always keeps HIS door open, we can lock our heart from HIM, but HE will never lock HIS door, through the storms of life, if I allow HIM, HE will fill up my heart and bubble up through my eyes with tears. I am so impatient, even when I know HE is teaching me, step by step--I cannot think of a more pure love, than the love HE has for all HIS children.

Oh how hard this life has been and I'm sure the depth is still to come,  I've felt every emotion that our Heavenly Father has allowed me to feel --I will always praise HIS grace and love for me until the day I take my last breath--when I see him again, I will humbly bow down and say "Thank You, for the sacrifice you gave in my name so I could live, learn, and  try my hardest to love as you do"

Maybe I have not learned enough, maybe I have not tried enough, maybe I have not served enough, there is so much more for me to learn, I see people surrounding me who give and give and give and I wish I was more like that, or I think "now why didn't I think of that?"

with packing out--less swelling

temporary cap on the BAHA

the grafted skin was taken from my upper arm



For those who are interested in the doctor report here it goes--I may have reported on my last blog so sorry to repeat if I did. On Monday,  Dr. Barr's took out the packing and the covering of the BAHA. Not painful, the staples were kinda a pinch or two--but nothing like getting my expander's filled with PK. He said he needed to leave a couple of the staples until I see him next time, and speaking of next time he will be out of town and wants the Chief of surgery in his department to look at my ear and get a 2nd opinion.  Because of time restrains while he was doing the surgery, he could not do any more digging and taking the chance it would open up a whole new 8 hours of surgery, so with respect to that I was pleased that he took it so seriously. He just make it loud and clear that another surgery was a possibility.  The way I feel right now THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN--I can't do it, I'm done. He found a black fleshy area that he is suspicious of but was afraid if he dug into it, it would end up being another 8-9 hours.  He showed Eric how to change the packing on my ear, it has a particular way it has to be done--the look on Eric's face said it all, I honestly do not want him to have to do this, I wish I new a nurse or doctor close by, someone who sees this kind of stuff and have it not be emotional.  Today while Eric was gone to the SUNS game with Eric, I went downstairs and opened up the medicine cabinet to see it in the opposite mirror pulled out the packing, and for the 1st time I saw it, now I know, I know exactly what Eric and the rest of the world will see--a huge black hole--I literally threw up in the toilet and continued with tears running down my cheeks to pack it the best I could.  Eric just got home and told me I did it wrong--so I'll let him fix it.  I want so badly to call Mary Greer (she's a nurse} I trust and love her but she has so much on her plate right now there is no way I can do that.  I now know why Dr. Barr;s didn't laugh when I asked if people would be able to see from that ear out the other--I was just joking trying to lighten up the mood, he didn't laugh I was merely suggesting there is not much between the two ears--ha ha, sometimes I make jokes when I'm worried.  Today the hematoma has gone down in size but is oozing a blister like stuff, and good news the swelling is going down on the actual ear it self.  

HOPE is NEVER LOST

I have so much to catch up on, our internet has not been working to the best of its ability.  My blog posts cannot be done from my phone, or at least I do not know how to do it, the latter is probably more accurate.

I first want to blog about a talk I heard during our General Conference.  Elder Jeffrey Holland, spoke about depression, anxiety and the perceptions people have of these disorders.  I have gone back through  older conference talks and have not, so far found a talk on this subject.  His words pierced my heart and soul and never have I ever felt a subject needing to be confronted more than this one at this time.

He spoke of serious depression as well as those that we try and conquer daily, like tax season, and bad hair days....we all have those days.
I loved when he said "if you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available" so why do we so many times feel embarrassed or lack of acknowledgement when we are diagnosed with these mental and emotional challenges?

So many times I have heard men and women say, "if you had a positive attitude and put a smile on your face, things will change" or one of my favorites is "if you read your scriptures and have personal prayer everyday, you will not have trials, difficult times or depression"  OK, I'm all about reading from the scriptures daily, and personal prayer on a daily basis at least once a day, and while I think these are practices that are worthy and good, they do not take away depression or anxiety.  That's like saying if you read scriptures and have personal prayer you will never get CANCER. or a HEART ATTACK, STROKE OR DIABETES.  Really people? Depression is a diagnosis, sometimes it is genetic, passed down from generation to generation, sometimes it is brought on because of a choice not made by the person.

I have learned through personal experience it is real, it can be debilitating and humiliating.  While I have spent years trying to find some peace and understanding of this diagnosis, I have come to realize I chose this life, and it is my life, the life the Lord and I chose together.  God's plan for me is not always clear, but one thing I know without a doubt is that our Savior also felt the pains of depression and anxiety, through him we can triumphantly  hurdle over those tests and trials, and through our faith we can endure to the end,  this knowledge helps me understand more that the Lord has a plan for each one of us.  HE loves us unconditionally, that love will never change or end. On days when I am feeling discouraged or in doubt, I can lean on the fact that I KNOW HE LIVES, I KNOW HE LOVES ME AND I KNOW HE UNDERSTANDS, even when the natural man may not.

For me, HOPE is NEVER LOST.

Time at Mayo Clinic

Stepping onto the elevator from the parking garage at the Mayo Clinic I am surrounded by sickly people.  A couple who were trying to decide what floor they needed to get off on,  they obviously have not been here much, (I wish I could say that) I simply told them, "when you come to this campus just remember you always have to get off on the concourse level, so always push the big C button, then I can direct you where to go next if you'd like"  with a sweet smile the wife said "oh please, we are not familiar yet with this building and we would love some help"  the only word I heard from that sentence was "YET" I took a look at their itinerary and noticed they were going to the same floor as I was, so I walked with them to the 2nd elevator and showed them the way. Off the cute couple went, she was pushing him in his wheelchair, it was obvious he was in some pain.  After getting them in the line they were supposed to be in I smiled and told them it was a pleasure to walk with them.  Today when I checked in I had a bunch of paper work to fill out AGAIN they just wanted to make sure I was not pregnant....serious.....this is serious stuff.  laugh, just laugh I did.  Seems like a lot of wasted paper, I check off the same box every time ✓☐ hysterectomy ✓☐ cancer  ✖☐ could you possibly be pregnant? Kinda repetitious if you ask me,  I always laugh and say those eggs are hard boiled by now.
No waiting this time, the receptionist took me straight back to the nuclear medicine department.  No getting undressed from the waste up or down, today I get to go in fully dressed YAY.

This floor is much better than the 3rd floor

A young girl took me back into the CT scan room, and asked me to lay down while they preformed the necessary  testing Dr. Barr's had ordered.  I love the care I get at Mayo Clinic, yet sometimes I feel like a number to them.
Perhaps they don't want to know why I need this CT scan, or they don't want to hear about why I am getting this ordered--I wouldn't know because today they were all business, in and out. Today I was glad I didn't have to go to the dreaded 3rd floor. No now I get to make the transfer to the other Mayo Clinic campus--excited to maybe get a chance to see Dr. Kreymerman and Heather, if they are not in surgery.
  My bone scan was put on hold, along with the MRI and visit with Dr. Aguilar my neurologist.  Dr. Barr's is very prompt, he shows me the CT scans, and explained all that we were looking at.  Ist off the carcinoma is still there but it has shrunk slightly, he still recommends having it removed along with the prosthesis I have, which has dislodged it self from the original position and is actually doing no help for someone like me with SSD. (single sided deafness) The prosthesis is probably what makes my ear drain, and itch, so that will come out during surgery along with the carcinoma and the implant of the BAJA.  I am losing quite a bit of hearing in the left ear, so over compensate by leaning my head towards him to be able to hear what he is saying--he told me that--I never noticed until then but have caught myself doing it today. Dr. Barrs will send me to see a special surgeon for the nose problems--nothing seems to help.
I made an appointment with Dr. Freeman for my hip and back pain.  !st I have to get my dental implant done with Paul Kelly, I seem to get a breast infection every time I have dental work done--supposedly this is common for breast caner patients with ex panders,  Maybe the antibiotic is not strong enough, who knows.  It has been almost a year since they started my dental implant, I will finish with my last surgery at the end of September, then in October have the finishing touches done with Dr. Bryan Goodman.  I told Dr. Barr's I want to make my surgery after this dental implant is taken care of because the breast infections are serious enough to send me back to Dr. Kreymerman, not that I dont like to visit him, but not for this reason--he and Heather explained to me the importance of getting those breast infections taken care of right away as they can cause additional surgery and probably be needed to be removed again.  I told him "who cares?"  he smiled but firmly told me "I do, and so will you"
So back to Dr, Freeman, more tests will be on the schedule soon, more interest this time in my back problems, which could be causing my hip problem.  All I know is I cannot stand for more than 10 minutes without my legs collapsing on me...yes they buckle up and down I go....funny now? YES.... I think so, but Dr's don't seem to think so, why are they always so focused and serious?  They need to loosen up and laugh with me sometimes.  It all seems more than what it really is, I'm fine--just getting old and need to get these problems taken care of.  No big deal, at least they know it can be taken care or so no more pain--except for recovery, if they end up dong a hip replacement.
I am taking baby steps towards a full recovery right??? I hope my prayers are being heard, lately I feel like I need to change the wording in my prayers--

Monday Mormon Myth's and truths #10

I think this is the longest I have gone without posting on my blog--now I have some catching up to do.  I missed 2 Monday Mormon posts--and have received a few emails asking about why?  Oh, where to even start...... let's just say I have been on a mini vacation after this last mini stroke.  I will talk more about that later this week.

My question for this Monday Mormon  Myth's and Truths was this:

Do Mormon Leaders Practice Celibacy?

ANSWER:  Let's hope not, I would have to say NO NO NO

While we as Latter Day Saints believe in controlling our appetites and passions,  living a celibate lifestyle would go against our belief that God's plan for His children, and the purpose of life centers on marriage and family.  So to be frank with you, not only do Mormons get married, but all of our leaders, bishops, apostles and prophets can, do and are encouraged to marry and have children.  The scriptures read "For Marriage is ordained of God unto man.....that the earth might answer the end of its creation"

Next question, I've received several email about

What is the Mormon view on Homosexuality?     http://www.mormonsandgays.org/


ANSWER: We believe that people with same sex attraction are children of God, they are loved by Him and are of infinite worth, just like all of God's children.  However, Mormons believe homosexuality is contrary to the physical and spiritual purpose of human sexuality, which we also believe are closely tied to the creation of children by a man and a woman withing a marriage.
The expectation of sexual abstinence outside of marriage is the same for all Mormons, regardless of whether they face homosexual or same-gender attraction.  Although the LDS Church has no official
position on the causes of same gender attraction, LDS theology teaches that each person has the power to control their own behavior.
In our opinion there is a difference between same-gender attraction, and same-gender action.  As long as a member with same-gender feelings lives the moral standards of the LDS religion, they are welcome to--and do, worship, serve, attend, and participate fully in the Church.
I want to clarify what the difference between same gender-attraction and same-gender action is.
There is an official LDS church pamphlet on homosexuality, God Loveth His Children, Church leaders have said this "Attractions alone do not make you unworthy.  If you avoid immoral thoughts and actions, you have not transgressed even if you feel such an attraction.  The first presidency stated:
"There is a distinction between immoral thoughts and feelings and participating in either immoral heterosexual or any homosexual behavior"
In the official handbook church leaders have said "If members feel same gender attraction but do not engage in any homosexual behavior, they may hold temple recommends and receive temple ordinances."
 Jesus loved all people, even when He did not support or agree with their behavior, like the woman taken in adultery (John 8: 3-11) The LDS people should be striving to do their best, and the same as the Savior did.  Regarding issues of homosexuality and same-gender marriage, we are encouraged to reach out with understanding and respect to individuals who struggle with same gender-attraction.

This next part is coming from ME Monya, not from any handbook or official "MORMON" rules.
When I was 29 I was faced with some demons, the memories of my childhood.  I had never discussed it with anyone, including my husband.  These demons were effecting my marriage and my relationships with people, my level of trust was on the down slide when it came to men and intimacy.
One night in a rage of fear I verbally attacked my husband and accused him of things that were simply not true.  Eventually, I was able to go to my bishop and tell him about my childhood and some of the things that had transpired during the course of my life up until that time.  He encouraged me to face the issue and talk to my husband about it.
 Over the next year, this wise bishop encouraged me to face these demons and question the perpetrator.  I did, after much prayer, fasting and discussion I finally did it, I was under the impression that all would be solved, that once I faced the man who had done these things to me, that he would look at me and say "I'm so sorry, I've been waiting for this to come up, I need to repent"  Eric, being the wise man that he is said "Monya, please do not think that all is well or going to go as smoothly as you think, be prepared for the rejection"  I was shocked when I was told "I don't remember doing those things to you"  to make this very long story shorter, I ended up being devastated by his re-action, no feeling, no memory, nothing, just "so what do you want me to do now?"  Needless to say I was able to find a therapist who happened to be a Mormon bishop, at the time I felt it was necessary for me to be able to talk freely about my beliefs and needed someone to actually HEAR what I was saying.  I was asked by this therapist to join a group therapy with all women who had been abused, it was a small group of us I think only 6 or 7.  One of the women in the group was younger than me, had served a mission and was attending the Temple on a regular basis, she also held a position in her ward young women's organization.  She was abused by a cousin growing up, she had never discussed it with anyone (text book behavior) after weeks and months of getting to know her, I adored her, I could not believe she was not married.  In our sessions we were allowed to openly ask questions to each other and try to understand and help each other with our struggles.  I asked her about why she was not married, her response was that she had been engaged a couple of times but could not bring herself to marriage, because she was a lesbian.  I remember thinking "WHAT? this does not make any sense, how can a beautiful, intelligent, worthy member of the church be a lesbian?" So I asked the therapist, his response changed my thoughts and feelings for same gender attraction and I will never forget it.
 He asked her why she thought she was a lesbian, and her response was because she could not bring herself to even think of marrying a man after the abuse she had been through, having sexual relations with a man would never be possible. Then the therapist said "can you see yourself having sexual relations with a woman?" she said "no way, I just can't ever see myself being close to a man and I feel more comfortable around women, if I could live with a woman and have someone to talk to for the rest of my life I would be happy to never have sex"  He said "you are a worthy woman, you have done nothing wrong, the Lord is the only one who knows your pain, he is the only judge of what you can and cannot handle, but if you ever acted upon those sexual feelings with another woman that would be considered same gender action, until then you are worthy of every blessing the Lord has to offer"
I have several friends who have children that struggle with same gender attraction, some have acted upon it and some struggle with it but remain steadfast and immovable when it comes to their faith and HOPE in God.  I did not keep in touch with this beautiful young woman, so I am not quite sure how her journey is going, but I do know, none of us have the right to judge any person who is struggling with same gender attraction, it is a real and emotional struggle for families who are living with it.  I am grateful that WE THE PEOPLE are not the final judge, only the Lord knows our struggles and only the Lord will be our judge.

Mayo Clinic Cancer Symposium

2nd annual Mayo Clinic Symposium was held at the Marriott just a mile or so away from the Phoenix Campus of Mayo Clinic.  I attended again this year, it was good to see my team of doctors there and ready to present information.

Dr. Northfelt, my med/oncologist and myself

Some of the information I learned from the meetings were new to me, some I already knew but this is the reason I like to attend these symposiums so that I can learn all I can about my disease and what the new techniques or statistics are.

I learned that 200,000 new cases per year are reported of breast cancer, the side effects of radiation are some that I am dealing with still. 

Lymphedema ✓

Lung inflammation

Fatigue ✓

Depression and anxiety ✓

Chest wall and or breast tenderness ✓

Breast swelling ✓

Skin burning

I only have 5 out of those 7 side effects, so feel blessed to not have to deal with lung inflammation or burning skin anymore.

I learned that Radical Mastectomy's no longer are performed and have not been performed on breast cancer patients since the 1970's.  They no longer perform these because the surgical procedures have been incredibly advanced since then.  In a radical mastectomy they used to have to take everything including the bone surrounding the area, this left women with horrible battle scars.  I had a bi-lateral mastectomy, both breasts were taken with all surrounding tissue but not bone, leaving surgeons the ability to reconstruct in an easier way, with much better results.

When someone has a lumpectomy they only have a 1.9% of recurrence
single mastectomy 1.1% recurrence and only 0/3% of cancer patients who have a lump in one breast will get another one in the other breast--in the words of Dr. Kreymerman "they are sisters, not twins"
BRCA 1 or 2 mutation only has 30% 10 year recurrence in the other breast.
Only 25% of breast cancer diagnosis are women under the age of 80.

Some great things to come are:
Cancer Vaccines
the studying of tumor clones
DCIS vaccines
Her2 antibodies

One bit of information I thought was interesting, 15% of patients who go through the cancer process will get Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  It's as if you have been through a war, the fear and anxiety of the return of the cancer or having to continue to deal with the side effects of cancer treatments can literally put ones body into traumatic stress.

With recurrent patients, 45% of women have treatable anxiety and depression within the 1st 3 months of 2nd diagnosis.  This is not a mountain to climb over,  but more of a terrain to walk through.

Did you know

55% stress over financial problems during treatment
46% cut back on food to able to pay their bills
6% lose their homes and have to relocate
50% are not comfortable talking about any of these symptoms, even to their doctors
50% of patients do not share all of what they are feeling or their fears with caregivers or family
history of abuse, physical, mental or sexual will increase the levels of anxiety and will not be
shared with doctors
most women post treatment will have low sex desire, vaginal dryness and feel embarrassed about asking or talking about it with their doctor.

I was not surprised by the fact that most women do not want to share a lot of intimate details with their doctors, but was reassured knowing I am one of them and it is normal.

I am still waiting to here back from Mayo about my ultra sound, and low white cell count--no news to report.

Have You Been Born Again?

Today while at the Mayo Clinic, a man asked me "have you been born again?" It took me by surprise, since I was not even remotely having any type of conversation with him to begin with, however, I answered "why yes, yes I have and thank you for asking"

During the day I have thought about that question and wondered HAVE I BEEN BORN AGAIN?  Not being able to get my mind off of it, I decided that man asked me this question for a reason, not sure what HIS reasoning was but it sure has made me think.

I know in some religious beliefs, people are known to use the term "born again" as meaning they have given their life and self to the Lord.  If that being my belief then I would say "yes I have been born again"

For me, being "born again" means each and every time we are faced with a challenge, (and by a "challenge"  I mean a life altering challenge like being sexually abused or life threatening, divorce, death of a spouse anything that causes your life to change) instead of turning it into a negative force that destroys everything in its path with anger, including your soul, your able to step away, give it time and ask the question "what can I learn from this?" with that being said I think I have been born again several times in my life.

I have been angry, very angry with the man who abused me and the mom who walked away from me.   I have felt the fear of rage take over my whole being to the point of wanting to take my own life. I know what it feels like to have no control over what is happening to my body and to be enraged almost to the point of hatred. I have mourned the death of my brother and blamed myself for the "what ifs"

Every single time I experienced these emotions, they dug deeper and deeper into developing a person who was negative, angry and depressed, taking it all out on others including my own family. The 1st turning point for me was when I faced my fear (my dad) and confronted the abuse--this was my first "born again" moment, it was at that time I realized I cannot control anyone else, how they act, how they respond or even how they lie.  It was at that moment a light bulb went off in my head--"I am in control now, I control how I will respond, how I will learn and how I will teach my children to forgive"  The 2nd "born again" moment was when I had truly forgiven him, when the calm after the storm came, and I knew he could no longer effect me or my children, I wrote an email to him after 16 years of no contact and told him I had forgiven him and that I hoped he was living a happy life--6 months later he died, and I was at his bedside.

I was "born again" when I finally forgave myself for so many things I had done to offend others, after reaching out to them and apologizing truly letting go of my actions and words that had hurt others, I gave it to the Lord and hoped those people would forgive me too.  This included forgiving myself for the death of my brother--

When I was diagnosed with cancer--I was not quite ready to accept this new life I was going to take on, but I was "born again" when I faced it, prayed and pleaded with the Lord to forgive me and help me to be a better person, I KNOW HE DID.

Most recently I was "born again" when I went to the Dominican Republic and lived the life of my missionary son for a couple weeks--He will never know what that meant to me, and how proud I am of the work he accomplished while he was there--what a great experience I can check that one off of my bucket list, but I will never ever forget it--Oh, I love Weeyum, and now appreciate even more the son who came home a man.

All of us, have challenges in our life, and if you say you don't well get ready to have it scheduled on the calendar because the Lord will not put us here on earth without challenging us and testing us, it's just that some people have different challenges than others.

 Recently a dear friend of mine who I greatly admire and love wrote me a loving email, this is  a portion of what it said "I want you to know, Monya, that if I could take 
this on for you and bear
 it instead of you having to bear it,
 I would do it in a minute" and my response to him was "of course you would, because that's the kind of man you are, and one of the reasons I love you and your family so much " but I also said this to him "how can I complain when I'm the one who agreed to live this life?"  We all agreed to live our life, so live it, love it and learn from it.

Moving Forward

Surgery was successful, all I remember is going to sleep in the OR on Wednesday and waking up on Monday ha ha.  My days are all off, I  drove all the way to Scottsdale for a doctors appointment I don't have until tomorrow.  I have to admit I loved getting out of my bed and seeing some sunlight.

Today I saw  the Dr. he took out the sutures and the nose brace, but unfortunately for me the stints have to remain up my nostrils for a couple more weeks to give the bones time to heal correctly. I have black and blue around my eyes and cheeks, I've had to control the pain with drugs but am quickly getting off of those. Now I'm dealing with keeping food down, even a few bites of anything. Kayla has been bringing me peanut butter banana smoothies, it may take all day to drink but it tastes good and stays down, so I know I'm getting some protein.

Now isn't that beautiful?

If I'm  completely honest at this very moment I'm feeling a little defeated knowing we have some  serrious decisions to make. Recently I was boo hooing and  venting to a friend, and doing a pretty good job at it too, then she reminded me  about something  my oncologist told me from the beginning.... he said he will not tell me I'm cancer free, but he will be with me until the end! My 1st thought was "until the end.? What the heck does that mean? "then she continued saying "did you ever stop to think that you are NOT here for what YOU still need to learn, but for what people can learn from you?"  I've never thought about this journey of life being for anyone but myself, what am I supposed to be learning has always been my question to myself and in my pleading prayers to the Lord.

I'm not someone with a whole lot of confidence in myself or my abilities to uplift and help others. I know some incredibly talented people, they have worked hard to become musicians, singers, athletes,   cooks,  authors, scrap bookers,  doctors, attorneys. PA's, radiation therapist (I love them)  I could go on and on, the point I'm trying to make is when she said those words to me two things went through my mind 
#1. What a bunch of crap  I have nothing to teach anyone, and if for some reason she's right, I don't want to do it anymore, find someone else to learn from. and then came # 2. Change your prayers. To my dear sweet friend thank you for giving me something new to worry about... Ha ha I love You.

SUNDAY-fill my well

Lately, I've been feeling a little depressed and alone.  There has been some drama around here, which is expected when you are planning a wedding, dealing with a broken ankle, working, and volunteering.  I have gotten a little lost in those things and forgotten a few days of reading my scriptures, I do not like the feeling I get when I don't include those 30 minutes of study.  Today I needed my well to be filled, and it was, I was spiritually fed during church today. The most wonderful thing I love about the gospel of Jesus Christ is that he loves us unconditionally and knows we are not perfect, he knows me and knows of all my weaknesses, so each and every time I have to kneel and pray I am constantly saying I"m sorry for  this or that, please help me to improve in those areas--we all know that when we ask for those types of things the Lord will give us trials and chances to prove ourselves worthy.  I have so much to be grateful for in my life but forget sometimes to give myself a break, I cannot do it all and sometimes I will let people down, including my own children--I'm sorry for that, luckily I have tomorrow and the next to work on those imperfections and try to become more like our Savior.

Where I Grew Up

House on Highland

I was not blessed as a child to grow up in the same house for all of my years.  Recently I drove by the houses, we called "home" in Phoenix.  Floods of memories came back to me, the house I lived in during my elementary school years looked so small to me now, across the street was the Solice family.  I was in 2nd grade throwing the football back and forth with the Solice children when the football exploded in my arms and immediately broke my eardrum, I remember my mom grabbing me and hugging me tight as I cried from the pain. I endured many many surgeries on my right ear.  Previous to the football explosion I had a blow to the ear, my birth father was drunk and hit me one night when I was 2 or 3 years old, I am now deaf in that ear.  In this house my step brothers and sisters were taken from school one day by their mother, she drove them to California and I never saw them again.  I remember my sisters and I throwing toilet paper all over the yard and trees the night my mom gave birth to my little brother Lance.  One of the scariest things that has ever happened to me happened here, my mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen,  I was sitting at the little table I looked up and there standing in the middle of our kitchen behind my mom was a child, not just any child she never came out during the day, she had what seemed to be transparent pink skin, extremely white Afro hair, even more white than mine was and her eyes were red, she looked right at my mom and asked if I could play with her.  I later found out she was an albino of African decent, we became friends and then one day she was gone, I wonder now as I think back about that day, where she is, who she became, where she grew up.  Then I realize in this house there are memories, but this is not where I grew up.

51st avenue house

I actually drove past our house on 51st avenue several times before I recognized it, then I sat in my car for a long time in front of the house, this was my junior high years, down the street was the Hulshoff family.  In the summer months I remember playing kick the can and hide and seek with them every night, I had my 1st kiss on this street with a boy named Eric. I'll never forget the day Elvis Presley died my mom cried like a baby, I remember learning how to mow the lawn here, pull weeds here and get grounded for lint balls being left behind on the carpet after vacuuming.  I don't want to look at this house, this is the house where bad things happened, this is the house where I was forced to choose between sparing my mom's feelings and my step dad's desires.   The tears are flowing as I look at the bedroom window (on the left) where I lived, so many times I wanted to jump out that window and run, run and never look back.  This house is filled with horrid memories, but this is not where I grew up.

79th avenue house

Driving towards our house off of 79th avenue I was shaking, actually not knowing if I could do this,  and why was I doing this?  I turned in and on the left was Sara's house she lived  behind us, up ahead was Susan's house. Driving towards my house I was overwhelmed with emotions, this was the house I lived in during my High school and young adults years.  I could just see my white 65 mustang parked out front, I  smiled  thinking about the memories my friends and I had in that car.   On the front lawn is where I took pictures  in my cap and gown on graduation night from Alhambra High school 1981, little did I know just a few short years later in this very house my brother Lance would die,  he was only 15 years old. I will never forget that cold November morning.  I wonder if the people living here now know what a special spirit lived in that house, we all loved Lance so much.  I miss him.  I met my husband Eric while I lived in this house,  he was the 1st person to ever say "I love You", I fell in love with him while I lived in this house.  I knelt and prayed at my bedside sometimes for hours, begging the Lord to help me SURVIVE.  I made promises with the Lord, I promised HIM if he would help me get out of this house I would promise to always keep the Gospel in my life,  and try my hardest to be good.  Now looking back I realize the Lord kept his promises to me, and understanding the Atonement a little better than I did back then I know all things happen for a reason.  In this house is where I first new the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, that HE loved me, even if I felt no one else did, HE DID.  As I stare at this house I cannot help but remember so many bad memories, there was  not a lot of love in this home, there was abuse verbally, physically, mentally and sexually yet through it all I knew that it was just  a small chapter of my life, I some how knew good things were yet to come for me, and believe it or not this is not where I grew up.  As I drove away I looked in the rear view mirror, thinking good-bye and good riddance I will never come back hear again, but the memories will never fade.

Our Home on Seneca in Chandler

On my way home I decided to drive by the homes Eric and I have lived in, I wanted to write down the memories I felt at each one of those homes also.  In Chandler Arizona there is a house where Eric and I brought home Kayla and Blake from the hospital after giving birth. In this home we laughed, cried and loved together, in this home I worked hard at learning how to be a wife and mother, I always felt like I was still not good enough.  In this home I learned to cook, clean and be responsible not only for myself but now for a family. I remember one night a cricket was just outside our bedroom window and I went outside searching, determined to get "rid" of it.  In this home I was so busy with being a mother I failed to read my scriptures like I should,  I compared myself to other mothers and wives I let the world define "motherhood" I struggled with self esteem.  I attended the Temple once a week with Eric's dad for over a year so that I could learn more.  We met Tom and Tamy Scheurn, she became a great friend and sister in the gospel.  Still as I stare at this home thinking about the memories I know this is not where I grew up either.

Our Home on Cove in the Islands

One more stop before getting home, the Islands.  In this home  we welcomed Kaitlyn and Haleigh to our family.  In this home I still continued on my quest to do everything "right" I wanted to be like sister "perfect" you know the one ... she gets up at the crack of dawn grinds her own wheat, bakes her homemade bread,  picks fruit off her own trees and makes jams and jellies, makes breakfast for her family, has family scriptures and prayer,  having FHE was a priority,  visits the sick with a prepared meal,  and looking impeccable on Sundays was a must, all children matched clothes on Holidays such as Christmas and Easter, and although these things are admirable, I realized while living in this home I needed to want to do these things because it would enhance and bless our life, not because everyone else was doing it.  In this home Kayla broke her arm and had to have surgery, Blake broke his arm and several other bones jumping off everything he could climb on.  Eric and I met Mike and Jenny Scow, they have become forever friends, we celebrated my 30th birthday with Jenny and Mike while living in this home.   In this home is where I realized a dad should have respect and compassion for his children, I learned this by watching Eric with our children.  I learned that I was not living in reality and it was time to face it, a year later I confronted my step dad about my abuse,  he denied it, my mother denied it and ultimately walked away from her children and grandchildren.  In this home was the darkest time of my life, the guilt I felt for breaking up our "Eternal Family" was so overwhelming I went into a deep depression, but still this is not the home where I grew up.

Where we live now in Gilbert on Poinciana

Leaving the Islands we moved into the home we are in now, still I was broken, my heart ached for my mom I wanted that relationship to be mended, I tried so many times and every time I came away even more hurt than the time before, I once sat in a fetal position by the front door crying until Eric got home because I was so upset about my mom. Debbie Slade became a dear friend and helped me through some pretty rough times, she called David LeSueur  who at the time was our Stake President, he layed his hands on my head and gave me a blessing that I will never forget, a blessing to be able to find peace in my heart, from that day on I began to heal from my past, finally realizing none of what happened was my fault, finally for the 1st time in my life I felt at peace with my decisions.  Haleigh was in the nursery, only 18 months old when we moved here, all of my children were baptized on their birthdays while living in this home. In this home I raised my voice way too much trying to deal with being the mother of teens.   I began looking to other woman for inspiration,  advice, love and recipes, I seriously hated that I could not just get on the phone and call mom for those things. In this home I watched our children face challenges, I spent  and spend many many hours on knees praying individually for my children to understand the importance of obedience. I learned the importance of saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong" We took pictures of each one of our children going to Prom, they all graduated from Highland High School while we've  lived here. Kayla and Jeremy were married and had their reception in our backyard.  Eric and I gathered our children and son in law together at our kitchen table to break the news that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, 6 weeks later I  sent my son off to the Dominican Republic so he could full fill his dream of serving the Lord on a 2 year mission,  I went through a double mastectomy, was told my cancer had spread,  endured another surgery to have the lymph nodes removed,  had another reception in our backyard for Kaitlyn and Brian, started chemo 2 days later, the next month our 1st grandchild was born, followed by radiation and another few surgeries.  It was not until I went through my cancer treatments that I finally realized how much Eric loves me, how much love I have to give and most important how much my Heavenly Father loves me and has been with me for every step of my life decisions.  I know HE lives, this is something I am completely sure of,  I can now see the times when he carried me and literally pulled me out of overwhelming situations, but still this is not where I grew up.

During my short 48 years  on this earth I have learned that a House is just a structure built of wood or stone to create 4 walls and a roof.  What truly makes a HOME is the love, compassion, respect, laughter, joy and enduring the trials a family goes through together.  A HOME is where a child should not be afraid to live, every person in that HOME deserves to be listened to, and hugged.  Every member of that family needs to know they are loved, especially by their mom and dad, everyday they should hear those words.  I wish I had been taught this as a child.  I wish I had lowered my voice and softened my heart when my teens were struggling, knowing this now surely makes me want to be a better mother, wife, and grandmother, this is the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, no matter what age we figure all this out, it's never too late, HE loves us all THAT much.

The Beautiful Mesa Arizona Temple

It is here that I grew up, in the Temple of the Lord.  In this Temple  is where I searched my heart and soul and found answers to life's scariest questions.  Who am I really?  What defines me as a woman?  What and who are the most important in my life?   Have I done all I can do to be the kind of person the Lord will be proud of?  What can I do to make life better for someone else? I learned here that I am a daughter of God, that HE knows me by name and wants nothing but happiness for me, and that it is up to me to decide how I will obtain that happiness.  In this Temple is where I discovered my true identity and it had nothing to do with the size of our home, how much money my husband makes, the style of clothes I wear, or the car I drive. This is where I learned to listen to the spirit for my answers and guidance.  I also learned how to forgive, truly forgive those who have offended me.  For me the answers came at different times in my life, when the Lord knew I was ready to hear the answers, when it was my season to learn what I needed to learn.  I learned to let the Lord work things out, to put things in his hands and if I am doing all I can do to be more like him,  whether in this life or the next it will all work out.

I

Anxiety-Insomnia-and Finding Peace

I am trying to learn to control the thoughts that bombard my brain.  The flashbacks that I get seem to be uncontrollable for me right now, and then they create anxiety and insomnia.  I really believe that my last surgery was not about CANCER, although I can still accept it as a Miracle in my life.  I also am able to realistically except the fact that there are things from my past that have haunted me for years.  I believe that Heavenly Father put that miracle in my life for a purpose, he is trying to teach me to deal with my past and try to come to a place in my life where I can LIVE FREE, free from the demons that constantly create these horrible flashbacks.  When someone tells you "don't be anxious, or think of something else while you are trying to sleep"  those statements in them self create anxiety, trying to not think about sleeping makes me want to sleep so badly but I can't because I have worked myself into  such an anxiety attack that now it is just too late.  I never had anxiety or insomnia before the VILLAIN decided to invade my life, but now that I have it, I'm trying to deal with it the best I can.  Now that I have had this hysterectomy, it is getting worse, the anxiety that built up inside me just to get myself to have the surgery is still lingering in the thoughts and feelings.  The appointment I have with Dr. Magitbay next week is constantly on my mind, and I am scared to go.
My right breast hurts so bad, and I am continually wondering if cancer has taken up residency again, it is this vicious cycle that Cancer patients go through.  I'm quite sure it's nothing, but in the back of my head there is that silly thought.  The Lord has been so patient and loving to me, and I thank him for ever thing  and everyone good in my life.   With HIM I know there is nothing I cannot endure.  I try to find some peaceful moments everyday to reflect on all that HE has given me.

Beginning to End

It's been 3 weeks since my last surgery.  Honestly, it's been a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.  Physically my body is recovering well, it's still uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time.  The part that I have really had a hard time with is the mental ability to continue on without thoughts of my past haunting me.  I rely totally on the Lord to comfort me and know that HE will be with me through it all, beginning to end.
Prayer has become such an important part of my everyday, not that I didn't pray before but honestly, since my diagnosis with the VILLAIN I have noticed a more sincere way of actually talking with God.  I KNOW he hears me specifically when I pray, and that he knows my fears and what I can physically, and mentally handle.  It's been a great comfort to me to have that luxury, and one that for the rest of my life I will never take for granted.

Patience

Today is 5 days post op, I told Kayla this morning I should be feeling better, "why do I feel so depressed and nauseated?" She said "mom, you just had surgery on Thursday, give yourself a break."
Every time I eat something I feel like throwing up, every time I stand up I feel like throwing up, when I rest and lie down I'm depressed. So many memories of when I finished chemo and went through a terrible depression keep coming back to me, that was such a low time for me and I don't want to go back there. I had this panic this morning, I did not want Eric to go to work. I asked him if he could take me for a ride tonight, I just need to get out of this house for some fresh air.
I need to read my scriptures tonight and find some relief. It's a strange thing to feel so grateful to be alive, to be so grateful for Dr. Kreymerman and other doctors at Mayo who have literally made my journey bearable and at the same time be so sad.

I'm learning that Patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry, or frustrated.
It's having the ability to do God's will and accept HIS timing. I think people who are patient have the ability to hold up under pressure and are able to face adversity calmly and with HOPE, with all that being said you can see that I have a lot to work on.

A quote that I will read today over and over is

"Life is full of difficulties, some minor and others of a more serious nature,
There seems to be an unending supply of challenges for one and all. Our
problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges,
forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required."
-President Thomas S. Monson-