Abundant Blessings

Today a whirlwind of emotions over powered me and allowed me to reconnect with what is really important in my life.  Kayla came by with the boys, Recker is now 6 and a half years old.  He is non-verbal but I believe he knows exactly what we are talking about, he has emotions and feelings. He came in and hugged me, I said "I love you" and in his own way he showed me he loves me too. Then little Ezra hugged and kissed me. I said "I love you" he replied "I l@#$% you" interpreted it says "I love you too" he now says Bon Bon, Papa, all the families names, mom and dad he will also repeat anything we ask him to.....he is trying so hard.  I took them all to lunch enjoying every moment I had with them. Kayla is 9 months pregnant, she will be giving birth to her 3rd son our 4th grandson.  Ezra is so cute he smiles and laughs at everything and everyone.  On his hand he had a happy face and a sad face drawn I asked him what they were he said "Happy" and smiled really big with his huge cheeks I wanted to squeeze. Then he pointed to the sad face and said "Sad" and quickly showed me his sad face. "Very good Ezra, which emotion do you feel now?" "I happy" I left them feeling blessed with these special boys Heavenly Father has entrusted our family with.  I say sincere prayers daily asking the Lord to help me know as a grandmother how I can better understand how to love them and help them.
When I arrived home Blake was getting Weslie out of his car, happy thoughts rushed through my body.  I hoped I could spend some time with both of them.  I of course immediately grabbed Weslie, she is absolutely beautiful. When Blake let to go get food for he and Chloe who would soon be arriving I took Weslie in my arms and sang her a song I used to sing to Recker when he was her age.

I love you Weslie,
Oh yes I do.
I love you Weslie
Oh yes I do
When you're not near me I'm blue
Oh Weslie I love you.

I walked and rocker her for several minutes singing over and over the same words, when she finally fell asleep on my chest I laid down with her on the sofa. Examining every inch of the miracle straight from Heaven.  Her eyelashes perfectly shaped, long and lush. I could feel her heart beat on my mine the smell of her skin angelic.  An enormous amount of pride rushed through my body thinking about Blake, Chloe and Weslie they are a cute family.  Watching Chloe mothering little Weslie is so refreshing I love her as a daughter, I consider her my daughter.  Watching Blake being so involved as a father warmed my heart. Tears fell from my eyes, I have so many blessing to be grateful for. Nothing else in the world mattered at that moment. I was in awe.

I've wanted to transition the toy room we have upstairs to the downstairs room---this is a huge undertaking for me.  Still recovering from my last surgery has been slower but I really want to get this change done. I began by going through all the pictures and separating them out. In the mess I found several letters from my mother.  Now that she has passed on those letters are read by me in a different context. I believe she and I were trying to resolve a difficult situation however, seeing it from different perspectives  was difficult for both of us.  I feel good about the way I handled the delicate situation, just reading these old letters dredged up some old emotions I was not prepared for. I quit reading the letters realizing she is gone now and there is nothing I can do to bring her back. Heavenly Father is in charge and he will deal with this perfectly I have no doubt when it's my time to leave this earth the Lord will have this taken care of, take me in his arms and say I love you.

I rummaged through some letters from Blakes mission, he always has a way of putting me back in the right frame of mind. He really was a great missionary. Then I found a book Kaitlyn wrote about her brother she couldn't have been more than six or seven years old.  She illustrated the book with her and Blake on bike rides going to the Library and then to water and ice...the illustration showed them bicycling and her yelling out to him "Hey wait up" Her sincere love for her brother came out when she said how much she loved him over and over, and also how grateful she was to have such a 'cool' big brother. My heart was again swelled to capacity, I was never the 'perfect' mom but my children turned out perfectly beautiful to me.

To end my night tonight I read a talk given by a religious leader Elder Neal A. Maxwell--the title of his talk was Enduring Well.  I came to the conclusion it is impossible for me to completely understand.  Because I believe there is an Atonement of Christ it makes it easier to comprehend why suffering and trials are about trusting in God to keep his promises.

"Rather than simply passing through trials, we must allow trials to pass 

through us in ways that sanctify us."

I have been stretched at times in my life to the point of doubting my Faith and Hope in difficult times.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh wisely cautioned: "I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning. understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable." 

I have allowed trials to pass through me and sanctify me in ways I never thought I had the ability to endure.  We all suffer in our lives, but do we mourn those trials, do we go forward with patience hoping for the Lord's hands to guide us through?  I believe I have been open and honest with my entire life, my book is going to expose truth in trials and how I have allowed those spooks to over power my life..I am so grateful for those hardships and enduring them with grace it has allowed me to grow, love others and serve unconditionally.  I have not regrets, I love my life. 

Recker Turns 5

Recker has turned 5, I cannot believe it's been 5 years.  Our lives have been so generously blessed over the past 5 years, it's hard to imagine what my life was like before.  We have grown in numbers, our 3rd grandson will be born within a few weeks.  Ezra will be 2 February.

Have I said lately how much I truly love him?  He melts me heart.  I can honestly say there has never been one time I've been disappointed or upset with him.  He just lives in a world I wish I could enter for just a few minutes.  I love when he takes my hand and leads me to the candy jar, or to the back door, hoping bonbon will take him out to play, only to be stopped by dad or mom saying "Recker, you can't go outside right now" usually because he hates to wear shoes.  I love how sweet he is to everyone in our family, and how the boys wrestle with him, and when I say boys I mean Jeremy, Blake, Brian and Scott. Sunday nights at my house are pretty crazy, and Recker loves every minute of it.  I love how he can take his little IPAD and maneuver it better than any of us adults, he loves Disney movies, and try's to sing along to the Lion King, I love when he covers his ears or eyes when a character in the movie is being cruel or mean to someone else.  He has appropriate feelings for those emotions, some typical kids love those parts the best, but not my little Recker, sometimes he gets a look in his eyes of complete sadness, he understands compassion, he understands authentic love and embraces all he can get from all his aunts and uncles.  I'm pretty sure his hero is his daddy, the rougher Jeremy is with him the more he likes it, sometimes it scares me but it never seems to bother Recker.  I know for a fact his favorite woman in the world is his mom.  He misses her when she's gone, he searches for her around the house, and he runs from her when he thinks he can.

He now understands so much about his surroundings, and the differences he has.  Kayla has taught us all about teaching him he may be different, but not less.  This sweet little boy has taught me more in his short little 5 years of life than I've learned in my almost 52 years.  I could seriously sit and watch him all day long, he cracks me up then brings me to tears within minutes.  I've never seen a child so curious, he knows every hiding place in my house and many times since he will be very quiet while we are all searching frantically for him.... he knows what he's doing.  He may be non-verbal, but this little guy is anything but quiet, unless he's hiding. A few weeks ago he was upstairs playing in our playroom, well we thought he was anyway.  He was actually in the hall closet up stairs trying to figure a way to climb to the top shelf.  In that closet we have a laundry shoot but he  

Recker Get's His Tonsil Out

We've been busy since the last time I blogged, I'm trying to play catch up.  Recker needed to have his tonsils out.  He has severe sleep apnea and some other issues surrounding his Autism. The tonsillectomy will help with some of those issues.
I was so proud of him, he had a hard time being sedated but was a champ.  It broke my heart to see him in the hospital, he looked sad and in pain.  On the other hand ice cream, popsicles and sherbet were on his diet; he lost 8-10 pounds, I want that diet on my plan.  Kayla stayed at the hospital for the 2 nights he was admitted.

Just before going into surgery

He is darling I love you Recker

He was a perfectly content patient

Getting bored

Best buddies, best brothers Ezra and Recker

Rate your Pain

Ezra and Jeremy at the entrance of the
Children's Hospital

Recker is so ready to go home.

My love for this little guy runs deep-I hope I can be a light to him as his grandmother as he has been for me during some dark times.  I love Recker's sweet heart and kind personality.  He connects with us through our hearts-If I point to my chin and say "I love you" he will return with "I love you" not quite as clear, but we know what he is saying.  We are taking baby steps with this sweet boy. It's hard to believe he is now 6 year's old.

Enduring ongoing adversity

There are so many differences in all of our lives. Depending on the circumstances, new mothers sometimes feel overwhelmed, fathers feel pressured to take care of families while some struggle with loneliness.  I believe we all  have at least one challenge in common. Dealing with some type of adversity.  I've also realized the reality of those adversities  cannot be compared to each other.  For example; Many years I was dealing with a teenager who was really struggling with some serious issues.  It was heartbreaking to watch, especially knowing if this child would just be obedient life would be so much easier for them. One day I went to visit a friend who was clearly devastate and beside herself in tears. When I inquired what was wrong I was shocked at her answer. She mentioned her daughters name then through her tears explained "She broke a family rule and got her ears pierced, she's only 15, we agreed no ears pierced until the age of 18" Her perspective and her trial was nothing like what we were dealing with, however in her family it was obviously just as heartbreaking. 

There have been periods, sometimes long ones, when my life seem to flow with little difficulty. Unfortunately the nature of our lives gives way to distress,  for me periods of good health have come to an end, and misfortunes have arrived.  It seems to be more difficult  when the comfortable times have gone on for a while. The suffering of health issues or the loss of material security can bring fear and sometimes even anger. I have to be transparent here, and admit I have felt the anger and questioned why?

I realize the  anger comes from a feeling that what is happening is unfair. It came at such a shock. To be blessed with  good health all my life, the serene sense of being secure had become deserved and natural, almost as an arrogant ignorance. After all hadn't I proven my worthiness and loyalty to the Lord? For this health issue to continue now for over 5 years, a feeling of injustice has sometimes come to my mind.  I have considered myself a brave woman yet many times have cried out loud “I have always tried to be good. How could this happen?”

The very opportunity for us to face adversity and affliction is part of the evidence of  infinite love. God gave us the gift of living in mortality so that we could be prepared to receive the greatest of all the gifts of God, which is eternal life. Then our spirits will be changed. We will become able to want what God wants, to think as He thinks, and  be prepared for the trust of an endless posterity to teach and to lead through tests to be raised up to qualify to live forever in eternal life.

There is an  aching sometimes for an answer to “How could this happen?” it becomes even more painful when I see others struggling including those I love.  When Recker was diagnosed with Autism I wouldn't say I was devastated, but I was honestly asking "why?"  It was especially hard for us to accept when he was so innocent. Then having our 2nd grandson diagnosed with Autism, I have to be honest it rocked my testimony, hitting my knees continually asking "why, why would you send these spirits to the same patents?" This type of  distress can shake faith in the reality of a loving and all-powerful God. I felt the spirit continually reminding me, the Lord knows all and if I continued without faith doubt could grow and spread it could make me or my children turn away from God, blaming him with the thought of him being indifferent or cruel. I knew I needed to check in with Him daily or  those feelings could lead to loss of faith and question if there was a God at all. Again I found myself asking like I did several months after processing a cancer diagnosis...."why me?" with the comforter conveying to me over and over again I soon asked "why not me?"  It takes time to get that pain to go away, but I can honestly say now "Thank you Lord for blessing us and trusting us with these two little boys" (I am not speaking for Jeremy or Kayla, I'm not sure they are feeling the same.)  What a pure love they have for us and we for them.  

It soon became clear that for me to have trust in Him, I  must be transformed through making righteous choices daily, that is hard to do. I often still wonder  if I am prepared for such a great a trust.  Passing through trials and testing requires a great deal of faith.  I deal with facts and  the education for me could come only as I allowed myself to be subject to trials while serving God and others for Him.

I'm so grateful for this education, as I experience misery and happiness, sickness and health, the sadness from sin and the joy of forgiveness. I'm convinced that forgiveness can come only through the infinite Atonement of the Savior, which He worked out through pain we could not bear and which I can only faintly comprehend.

It comforts me even to know I must wait in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from experience, how to heal and help me and others who suffer.  Faith in that power has given me patience as I pray and work and wait for help. He could easily take this all away but He chooses to teach by own personal experience. Just as I need to learn from my own personal experiences.

The Lord’s relentless answers to my pleading  has helped me and has encourage me in times of darkness. Even when I feel the truth of the Lord to deliver me in my trials, it still tests my courage and strength to endure. Lately it feels it will not end, during these times even physical strength is difficult, listening to RS lessons on how to deal with trials and adversity are hard to comprehend.  The comments made are even difficult to hear. (sorry just being honest)

I have seen faith and courage come from my testimony.  I am being prepared for eternal life. The Lord will rescue His faithful children. The child who accepts a trial as an invitation to grow and therefore qualify for eternal life can find peace in the midst of the struggle. This is so much easier to write than actually live through.

I am far from perfect, but I have begun to prepare my heart to be worthy of the Lord. I've had the attitude “Things will work out.” Medical insecurities have not eroded my faith; it has tested it and strengthened it. And the feeling of peace the Lord has promised has already been delivered in the midst of the storm. Other miracles are sure to follow. I expect the miracles to happen, and thank the Lord ahead of time for the miracle that I know is just around the corner.
I watch from a distance how Kayla and Jeremy have embraced the trial they have been faced with.  Recker and Ezra are beautiful loving children, but don't mistake their love and affection with an easy road to take.  From day to day they struggle, not knowing "what is going to happen next?" Those boys are into everything.  Recker and Ezra are both non-verbal so try to imagine their frustration knowing everyone around them can talk.  Their only way of communication is by taking us by the hand and leading us to what they need or want.  I can only translate my feelings as a grandparent, not as the parent who is caring 24 hours, worrying 24 hours.  The special bond these boys have with their cousins and family is unconditional love however, I can't imagine the heaviness on the shoulders of his parents. The responsibility the Lord has given them, is beyond what I can comprehend.  I know that I am on a road to be the best I can be so I can live with these perfect little boys for eternity.

I don't know why but I truly believe the Lord customizes trials to best strengthen and purify us individually.  Often it will come in the inspiration to do what might seem especially hard for the person who needs help himself. The test, and there is always a test, is how we deal with the trial.
 I know from my own experience that He can and will give us strength to rise through every trial. 

Trusting

I believe the worst pain a mother can feel is knowing her children are struggling with something you cannot understand or comfort them with.
There have been times when my doubt has been as wide as the ocean, feeling like the waves need to sweep me away, not wanting to face the pain.  Our oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy have two amazingly beautiful boys.  Recker is almost 5 years old, it's so hard to believe how fast he is growing.  Ezra will be 2 in February, he's been a spunky, smily fun babyboy.  These little angels have brought more joy to my life than I ever thought imaginable.  Their laughter and unconditional love is contagious.

Ezra's squint eye..so cute

Ezra love

When Recker was 14 months old he was diagnosed with Autism, he is non-verbal but has taught me to speak with my heart and eyes.  The past 5 years have been so difficult for Kayla and Jeremy.  Something I don't even try to understand, all I understand is that if it were not for Recker, I would have not made it through some days when I could barely get out of bed--he is my sweet baby boy, who saved me from going to a very dark place.

Two days ago, Ezra was also diagnosed with Autism.  I was so sure he was just fine, he was making animal noises, something Recker never did, he could point to the different parts of his body, again I don't remember Recker doing that.  Over the past few months Ezra has started to regress, although Kayla was trying her hardest to prepare us, it could be true, I just didn't want to believe it, after all Ezra was doing everything different, until he didn't, and little by little he has become distant.
Kayla did everything different with her pregnancy, thinking maybe it would be different, Ezra didn't get his shots like Recker did, she just did everything different--Now we know, his diagnosis comes as a shock to Eric and I, but not so much to Kayla and Jeremy, who I can honestly say have tried to  prepare us for.

Recker School Picture--I love this

Recker lives in an awesome world--I wish I could go
there with him.

When I found out I just wanted to scream "WHY?" I still do, I am hurt, angry, sad and blessed all at the same time, these mixed emotions have rocked my little world, and is going to take a few days, weeks or months to get used to.  I just want Kayla and Jeremy's dreams of having a typical child come true.  This does not mean they do not love their boys, they love them more than life, but not to hear your child say "mom, or dad" is heart breaking.  They need time to mourn, I guess we all do.

I don't  in any way shape or form believe these boys are doomed, that they will not have a future that is anything less than we, as family teach them.  I know they can and will be, such a blessing to our family and to others.  In fact I believe through their journey, they will be the ones who against odds will teach us, through their sweet spirits they will teach us so much more about compassion and tolerance than we could ever learn in a book.

So, it leaves me with doubt, fear and the unknown but I know one thing for sure and I can never say this enough, Heavenly Father send those sweet boys to our family for a purpose.  We may never know what that purpose is, but have decided the reason does not matter as much as making the journey with them memorable and happy.  Autism is not fun, it is mis-understood.  I know so little about why a child is diagnosed with Autism,  all I really know is that nothing for me changes, I love them unconditionally, I will take them by the hand as they lead me and guide me back to a place where I want to be HEAVEN.

My little Recker Love

How can anyone look at this sweet spirit
and be cruel? 

I am so upset tonight not able to sleep, thinking about this special grandson of ours.  He is in pre-school, he has parents who take extremely good care of him. Kayla is protective and knowledgeable about Autism.  Today, I'm sad that he could not defend himself while in the care of the school system.

I thought it would of been another child who hurt him, but it was actually and adult.

He was treated like an animal on a leash, what a horrible sight to see when his recpit  worker picked him up from school.  Kayla is devastated , my tears and prayers are for this sweet little angel tonight.

I'm not sure what I can say specifically about the case, but my heart is bursting with pain. I wish people would listen with their hearts, and say to themselves "kindness begins with me"

Recker has Autism-He is NOT a
burden, He is misunderstood.
Sometimes he just needs to run free

Promises not broken

I know without any doubt one day I will be strong enough to believe in this promise.  Right now I am feeling vulnerable.  I am so afraid I have spent a week in Cleveland trying to find a doctor who will take on my case, one in which I was told by two doctors they have never seen during their time as practicing doctors.  I am being fine tuned and my sharp edges are being sanded down.  Heaven has shown me so many miracles....and one thing I know for sure is,  the Lord will not take our pain away, I also believe he could take it away but when he does that we are deprived of blessings we would of never had the opportunity to endure, come closer to the spirit and strengthen our testimony of FAITH and HOPE in Christ.  

One day a few weeks ago I let Recker and Ezra play in my car while I was cleaning it out, they love to just play in the car because when he drive they have to be in their car seats so when bonbon let's them play they are all happiness and smiles.  The next day I was driving and I noticed both Recker and Ezra's feet and hand prints on the windows, I pulled my car over to the side of the road and stared at those prints with the biggest smile on my face--thinking "I want to absorb this moment, those little hand prints are my cute little grandkids...." why did they not look as cute when they were my own children's? Or maybe they were but I just forgot.  I later noticed in my house on one of the mirrors Recker's hand prints all over it, I did not take the windex out--instead I cleaned around it, this little boy has blessed my life more than anyone ever has--I love Ezra too, and I love him just as much, but the connection I have with Ezra is different than the one I have with Recker.  Last week when I was home I had the picc line in my arm, and a wrap around my ear, like a bandaid.  Recker always comes and gives me hugs, but this time he gave me the hug and then a had to inspect my picc line and I tried to explain it was a boo boo and bonbon just needs some medicine.  Then he hugged me again looked at the bandaid on my ear he first looked at it then looked me straight in the eye, as if to say "it will only hurt for a minute" and that fast he had ripped it off my ear and ran as fast he could---NO it didn't hurt, he just hates bandaids and obviously if he doesn't like them he assumed bonbon wouldn't either.  This little Recker boy is 4 and a half, he is still non-verbal, but he and I can communicate with our eyes and our hearts--He has a special bond with our Heavenly Father and I treat him as though he is a typical child, because we do not want him to think we think he less worthy or less loved than anyone else in this family. 

he's my little angel

I know that one day we will understand why some children are born with this special veil surrounding them and protecting them from temptations of the world.  When I look at this picture up above, it always makes me think of Recker, I believe his foot prints will also be next to mine, yes his perfect little foot prints walking next to me and helping me to get where I need to be.

Tomorrow is a big day for me, I am praying the doctor has already cleared his schedule for one day and is able to get me in asap, if not then I will be carried once again on an airplane to my next doctor on the list hoping for an answer.  I have a really good feeling about the Cleveland Clinic, and I know they have already told me my situation is an emergency case.  I realized a long time ago my life will never be the same, it will never be 6 days of exercise for 2-3 hours a day, riding a bike 150 miles a week, lifting weight twice a week and doing kick boxing 3 times a week....I never thought I could give those things up because they had become such a big part of my life, now I realize  my Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me, I'm still not sure what it is, but I want to be the instrument He expects me to be. The way I will accomplish whatever it is I need to get my body healthy again, and I will.  I always seem to forge forward, and I;m able to do it with the FAITH HOPE AND PRAYERS of all my friends and family.  Without them I would not be able to accomplish any of my goals, I don't ever want to let people down or be less than I know I can be, that's just who I am.  Because my life has been spared so many times, it tells me I have more to learn.  I truly believe everything happens for a reason, Heavenly Father is not just going to throw us out to the lions and not have a plan for us--still there are times when I  feel like there is nothing I can do but rely on Him, friends and family to pray for me.  I agreed to come to earth and take a body, and that earth life would be a difficult task at times, I believe when Heavenly Father sees our pain it must hurt him, because He can take it all away, however, if he does that we will not grow and learn and share with others.  My prayer for tonight is to help me sleep, even if I have to cry myself to sleep.  I will wake up in the morning prepared for a good plan from my doctors.  Tomorrow will be a good day, one day closer to feeling the sunshine on my face again.

Mastering the Mundane

It looks nastier than it really is..it broke last night

Today I'm happy--not for any other reason than just for the fact I'm Alive, I'm Free, I'm Me--I woke up and I was still Monya. Still here,  the sun is shining through my bedroom window, I got up and walked out onto the balcony off of my bedroom--I remember the day when I could look out there and see the Superstition mountains of Arizona. Although, they are more like hills, comparatively to the huge Mountains in other parts of the world or country.  For us born and raised here in Az we love our mountains.
 I realize I am living this continual roller coaster, one month great, 3 months not so great.  I am always constantly wondering, what I am I not getting? What is it that I should be learning here. I've tried to run and hide, I've tried to ignore it, I've even tried to pretend this is just a big joke....jokes on me.

When Blake was in the Dominican Republic and I was enduring the treatments of chemo and radiation, I often times went in his room and knelt to pray, begging and pleading with the Lord to take my pain away, asking why my son had to be gone for so long, I just wanted one more hug from him, thinking back now I remember those days as daily trials, things were happening so quickly I had a ray of HOPE, knowing Blake was given a blessing by President Greer the night before he left for the MTC telling him if he remained obedient the Lord would bless our family, and that I would be here when he returned in 2 years.  I actually thought when Blake came home, the trials would magically end...after all Blake did all he was asked to do. he was obedient,  he had the best two years of his life, and our family felt the overwhelming power of the Priesthood and the Holy Ghost with us, we saw miracles happen with my health.   I had it all figured it out,  and I prayed thanking Him for bringing my son home safely. Little did I know, my journey was just beginning. Have you ever had a beautiful heartbreak? When ever I hear that song it is as if it was written for me.  Every fear I had and every pain I felt I would pray he would take it all away--I never dreamed I would make it through, now that I'm here where I am right now still with sleepless nights and continual fear, I don't think I would ever trade any of that for anything, nothing I say or write can come close to explaining the emotions I have had through this beautiful heartbreak of mine.

He wore those CARS swim trunks all summer

I love this...Blake thank you

dirty like a boy...he knew Boston was #1

Why get a bowl, bonbon lets me eat from the carton...shhh don't tell mom

Recker would live at the ocean, he never tires of it

Just like Blake was, Recker loves the outdoors

school picture--I love it

Today Recker was here and I watched him swim, no words were spoken I just wanted to watch his happiness, I wanted time to stand still so I could remember every minute every second of his laughter.  This little angel boy has brought me so such happiness, I just want to squeeze him, I hope he knows I love him so much, I would gladly take away his trial,  to hear him say "I love you" to his mom and dad.  Every parent deserves to hear those words, but with Recker he shows his love in so many other ways--I have an open wound on my upper arm where the doctor took skin to graft into my ear.  Today, when Recker was swimming he  scratched his knee and he showed it to me, I blew on it gave him a hug and he was off to jump, splash and play.....when it was time for him to leave he clung to me, not wanting to leave, I bent down to hug him, it was then that he saw the sore on my arm, and in a innocent pure gesture he took my face in his hands stared into my eyes,  trying to communicate he lifted his shorts up to show me his scratch, then he kissed my arm. He was trying to show me, we are both scarred with bruises--in that moment I can't explain the rush of emotions that came over me, this little boy knows how to enter my heart, fill up my eyes with joyful tears that seemed to flow so easily today.   I felt like my heart was bursting to understand, I could not catch my breath enough to be able to say "I Love You", he kissed my cheek then my arm again.   He took me by the hand and we walked to the car holding hands, I gave him a hug like it was the last day I would ever see him again.

I gave a testimonial at one of our Nerium meetings, usually I am composed because I have learned to say when people ask how I am doing "couldn't be better"  Having this moment with Recker today a reality was made clear to me, we are a forever family, we are not without trials, every family has them, they manifest themselves in different ways from family to family, but none of us are without trials.   I'm grateful when I least expect it, the clouds part and a ray of light reminds me who I am, and that God has heard every single prayer, Heaven surprises me always when I least expect it...today was one of those days I think because I have been so desperate for answers, I learned today I have a purpose, something totally different than what I had expected--answers came clearly.  Standing and having an opportunity to explain my story and my "why" for being involved with this company, I listened to others who spoke before me, and each of us had a different "why" some for financial freedom, some for self development, single worthy beautiful women sharing their struggles and wanting not only to be self sufficient but to find fulfillment in helping others find their true potential and happiness.

 When it was my turn to speak, the walls were taken down,  it came from my soul, as I explained my "why" I began to cry (so much for composure), I looked around this room filled with people who are dedicated hard working men and women, my eyes were brought to Crissy Caufman and her sweet husband, I had no idea who they were a few months ago now I include them in my friendship circle I have found, Liz Decker, never knew her before, she's amazing, in the back Danny Jones gave me chills an impressive young man who understands the Atonement, understands life's struggles and teaches me more than he knows, Shelli Richardson who listened to the spirit a few months ago not knowing -- I too was praying for a change to come.  So, my "why" is  different than most in that room, trying to bringing me out of a cancer Mayo Clinic filled life, I've found a way to re-connect with old friends and make new lasting friends, if I never become monetarily rich,   being amongst  happy uplifting people with integrity helping others  is helping to refine me as I go through the bitter and sweet.

 As crazy and strange as it seems, I have found another "why" Recker, he's one of  my hero's, he has more love and sweetness in his little 4 year old body than some 40 year old's I know.  Some may not know what a difficult financial burden it can be on a family trying to raise a child with special needs. I would love to be able to provide a home for them where this little guy can run outside and play, a place to call home.  If I can give this my all with Recker in mind I will be able to achieve that goal.  I will never give up, I just need to learn how to master the mundane -- showing up, doing my part, and then doing it again the next day--for every no I get a little closer to a yes, so I try not to take it personal and recognize it as a learning experience.  The joy I will feel when those dreams become real, is REAL, it is going to happen..........So did I learn anything today, yes a big YES, nothing that I didn't already know but somethings I have forgotten to tap into ..... remember 2 things I am blond so it takes longer to sink in...ha ha and,  He always sends His love it has given me HOPE in the darkness and helped me back into the light, I've been blessed to see that the give and take are exactly what we all need  to help us become who He wants us to be, as He allows those trials to strengthen us, I'm looking forward to see what the next year will bring for me.  Something amazing is about ready to surprise even myself, I can do anything with Him on my team.

Cowboy Recker at Angel Acres

I will forever be grateful to this pretty lady Heidi.  I met her Saturday, she is the reason Recker is attending Angel Acres Horse Therapy in Queen Creek.  I love her for responding to one of the blog's I posted about Recker.  I love her for her sweet smile and encouraging words.

To Heidi I want to say this, I was moved in several different ways when I met you Saturday. My heart was pounding when you approached me, I was not sure what to expect as lately  I have been criticized for MY WAY of blogging. There have been many times I have wondered if keeping my blog open to the public is what I want to do, and considered going private so that only my family would have access to it.  If Heidi had not read my blog I doubt Recker would be having the time of his life riding horses every Saturday.  From Kayla and Jeremy they say  thank you also.  We will be keeping Recker at Angel Acres for as long as Marty is continuing to amaze us with her  love and generosity to these children. 

 Heidi has been following my blog for several years, and the things she shared with me on Saturday about my blog and the inspiration she has gotten, filled my heart and was exactly what I needed to hear--I know the Lord intervened --as I have said many times, and I know many of you do not agree with my way of doing things, and that's OK, but this is MY JOURNEY, whether I write about the good times or the bad, I will not be going private anytime soon.  I respectfully ask you not to read my blog or send me your negative and hurtful emails.  I am certainly not a  professional writer, this is just my life and I want my children and grandchildren to know my world, my life,  my understanding and perspective and all the wonderful things it can offer, and the people who they can touch with words of encouragement.  Life is always going to have ups and downs, mountains and boulders to climb, for EVERYONE, we were meant to come to this earth and experience those, whether they be health issues, family struggles, financial etc.....they can and do touch lives, none of us are perfect and I am the 1st to say this about myself. 5 Years ago I would of never shared any part of my past life, now I choose to share, you may not and that is perfectly OK, but please do not hurt me while you are experiencing YOUR JOURNEY. 

 While I am talking about this subject, and I hope this is the last time I have to before I start blocking people-- I have kept so much to myself for so many years this blog has allowed me to heal, to find some peace in my life.  Three years ago I received  emails from 3 different women who were struggling with Breast Cancer, searching the web and found my blog,  the question they each asked me was "how do you have so much faith?" they all wanted to know more about how I choose to worship.  I was able to send the missionaries from the LDS church to these women's homes so they could learn more about what I believe and know to be true.  

One woman was from Oklahoma, one from South Carolina, and the other from New Jersey.  I contacted the missionaries from the LDS church in their areas, all of them allowed the missionaries into their homes to answer questions they had about the LDS religion.  I still am in contact with 2 of the women.  The woman from New Jersey was baptized along with her entire family, a year later went to the Temp;e to be sealed together for time and eternity. I recently received an email from her saying she was called to be the Relief Society President in her ward and her husband is serving in the bishopric, her daughter is active in Seminary and will be graduating and going on a mission at the end of the year. her son is on his mission now.  So the other women didn't get baptized, I love them for allowing me the opportunity to open up my circle of friendships and learn more about what they believe in--I love hearing from people.  I can't even count the many times I have had wonderful people of other religious beliefs ask if they can pray for me, or have even given me blessings, I LOVE IT--we all believe in the same God and have faith in the same God-He hears and answers prayers according to our faith in Him, no matter what or how you choose to worship.

This is the beautiful Heidi-I met her for the 1st time
Saturday--the little guy is Ezra my 2nd grandson

About a year ago I was contacted through my blog by Heidi, she asked me if Kayla and Jeremy would be interested in getting Recker into Horse therapy.  I talked it over with them, and Kayla of course already knew quite a bit about it.  I knew only one friend who has a niece with Autism who had done the horse therapy and she said it was great.  Heidi said there would be a waiting list and she wanted permission to put Recker's name on the list. Quite honestly, I had forgotten about it, until I got a phone call from Marty the woman in Queen Creek who runs this beautiful Angel Acres ranch.  We spoke for quite awhile on the phone discussing some of Recker's sensory issues, and the fact that he is 4 and non-verbal.  Marty assured me she had seen it all, and that Recker was not going to particularly like the helmet but that it is a requirement for all children who ride at Angel Acres.  Here we are a year later and at his 1st lesson, you can see by the pictures he was not a happy camper, he screamed, oh how he screamed.  Jeremy was so patient, with a smile on his face the entire time, so happy and proud of Recker.  I am glad Jeremy was there I think Recker is just about as strong as Jeremy, and did not mount this horse or ride quietly, Jeremy is the ONLY  one who could of kept him from jumping off and running.

Recker was so upset about that helmet

We Love Floyd--so nice and calm with Recker

Recker meeting Floyd--and learning
to brush the hair

Daddy and Recker mounting Floyd 1st time

Angel Acres has a little party every 6 weeks
for the children. Today happened to be
the 2nd (graduation 6th week party) for him.
They have a camera person taking pictures
every week and give the parents this
book filled with the 6 week progression of
Recker.

Today Recker, rides the horse with no one having to ride with him.  He does not cry, he does well with the helmet, in fact has come out of his bedroom with a hat on, so the sensory issues are getting better...well I guess I should say they come and go, but he is loving riding and loving the horses.  He even got to gallop a little this week.  I am so grateful to Heidi for contacting me.

when it's all said and done
Recker and Daddy walk off
holding hands--♥

Today was a better day!!

There is a shortage in this world of "I LOVE YOU" today the sun came up, I woke up, said thank you to Heavenly Father for all I have been blessed with and tried to carry on.  The last few days have been hard, the next few days will be hard, but today will be a day to just listen, no talking just listen...
I went to the doctor today and had time in my car alone to do just that....listen.  I found HE is the always the TENDER behind the MERCY--love those words, and the unconditional feeling of love I feel just writing them.

 Kayla showed up with the boys this morning, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love those boys with every bit of my heart, and I am grateful to her for sharing them with me today--even though I got distracted and actually forgot to pick Recker up from school--oops--sorry I know I put a panic in her that was unnecessary.  When I arrived at the school he jumped up when he saw bon bon's car come around the corner, my heart dropped, how could I forget?  I was so looking forward to playing with him--I hugged him tight, to reassure him and tell him how sorry I was, gave him a big hug and said "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH"  When I got home Kayla was waiting with Ezra, all I could say was sorry, she was gracious enough to smile and quietly say "it's OK mom" Then we played--it was exactly what I needed--

Ezra--what a joy, I love him

Beautiful Boy, Perfect Love🚩

I simply adore this little boy.  Recker is such a special, special boy.  Sometimes I wonder what is going through his beautiful little head.  I watched him yesterday from a distance playing with some of the children in his neighborhood, he was off alone in the corner by himself, then at one point he heard one of the little girls talking to another little boy, Recker walked up and took the girl by the hand as if trying to get her to follow him, and she (like most children would do at her age) walked away from him.  For just a slight moment I could see this sadness in his face, I think he is starting to understand more and more what his limitations are and what he cannot do, soon he will realize what he CAN do, we try to emphasize the CAN'S, because there is a lot more he CAN do than he or we even realize yet.

  I want so desperately for the family to hear him just say something, mom or dad would be preferable.  He has now began to wave goodbye to us and once in awhile we can even get a little sound that we think is "bye bye"  and when Blake counts ... one...two...three...jump ...we can usually here him say when Blake gets to the two, Recker will say "twooey" it's so cute, we all jump for a joy and have him do it over and over until he is fed up with it all, shakes his no and off he goes to a new adventure much cooler than us.

He loves his daddy !!

Precious baby boy born 12-14-2009

really? another picture? I'm barely awake

I'm never getting out of the tub

bright eyes

just cuteness

fresh out of the tub

1st day of pre-school

helping bonbon get through a tough day

team bonbon--my biggest supporter

loves the OCEAN, OH AND OTTER POPS

YALE

uncle blake gets home from his mission

being an outside boy

Christmas 2012

  This little boy's heart is bursting with LOVE to be shared--Although he keeps it bundled up and sealed for special people in his life--I know he loves, and feels love. Recker has helped me to understand that Heavenly Father has a plan, a plan for each and everyone of His children, we may not always understand THE PLAN but if we let the process happen and listen for the spirit to teach us, we can hear the Love, especially the beautiful love this boy has to offer.