Brain Scan-Mayo Clinic

I arrived at Mayo Clinic early this morning, and can I just say that the people who drive to work between 7-8 am everyday......I am so sorry.  It was stop and go the entire way to Mayo Blvd.  I will be getting  brain scans every 3 months FOREVER.  All that really is, is an MRI, 45 minutes of pounding, and hammering on my brain--I survived, not my favorite thing to do, but necessary for Dr. Barr's to see what is going on between my ear and my brain.....not much.

Let me explain this doozie.  When I arrived at the hospital they took me in to prep me for the scan.  Included in the visit is an IV.  I warned the nurse not to use anything less than a 22 needle, and to not use my left arm, wrist, or hand.  She smiled and assure me she knew what she was doing. I then announced "Please listen to me, I know.........." then she plunged the size 20 needle into my left hand, immediately I concluded "you just blew out my vein" The nurse then said "How did you know what size needle to use?"  "This is not my first rodeo, after 5 years of being poked and prodded I've learned the left side has no veins left,  if you had let me finish before you  stuck me I would of let you know, 

my experiences have taught me" She then advised me "Since you've had a port on your right side, you shouldn't use the right side, I'm sure your oncologist has told you not to use the right side for at least 10 years, since your lymph nodes were removed?" "Um, no he has never told me anything like that" "Who is your oncologist?" I looked up just in time to see a familiar face, and she recognized my face also.  Beaming, I said "Lindsay right?" she reached in to hug me, "Yes, how did you remember my name?" "I'm not sure, I just did, but I'm not sure why, or who you are" a few small laughs.  She then affirmed  "I was your nurse on the 5th floor, when you had your nerve go dead, how are you doing?" "I am fantastic, except for this blown out vein ...... just here for a brain scan" "Oh dear, I'm sorry about the vein, let's see if I can get a smaller needle and use the other hand" The previous nurse disappeared and Lindsay finished up.  What a great surprise, I love when I get the pleasure of running into the great staff who have served me over the years.

One of the reasons I love Mayo Clinic so much they always have my results the same day.  I ate lunch, then met with Dr. Barr's.  He is so great, always has a big smile and a sweet compassionate heart.  The results of the brain scan looked good, the cholesteatoma has no regrowth, there was a little liquid build up, but nothing for me to worry about.  Dr. Barr's took time to talk to me about the facial paralysis, he wanted to know how I am dealing with it.  It's hard to say I'm OK with it, I'm not.  Of course I wish things were different, I explained I am trying to deal with 'being OK' if the nerve does not fuse back together.  I added, I'm not used to people looking at me then quickly looking away, I have gotten to the point that I look away now, so they will not have to be uncomfortable.  He then looked at me with his big smile and acknowledged what I was feeling was normal, but that he loves who I am, my personality and my heart.  I have to admit, it was a good boost for me, I needed to hear exactly what he had to say.

I will be going to Cleveland Clinic next week for some more surgery on my eye, I think when I get home I will be finishing all the rest of my surgeries up at Mayo Clinic.

Something Amazing

I AM ADDING THIS TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE RECEIVED SOME EMAILS. I GUESS I DID NOT EXPLAIN IT ENOUGH, FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT BEEN FOLLOWING.

I HAVE BEEN DEAF IN MY RIGHT EAR FOR 48 YEARS DUE TO A BLOW TO THE HEAD AT AGE 3. IT JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME EAR I HAVE HAD MULTIPLE SURGERIES ON THIS YEAR.  MY LEFT EAR I HAVE BEEN USING TO HEAR WITH FOR ALL THESE YEARS, IT'S MY GOOD EAR, THE ONE I CAN NOW HEAR OUT OF, EVEN THOUGH THE IMPLANT IS ON THE RIGHT SIDE, IT TRANSMITS SOUNDS WAVES TO THE GOOD EAR ON THE LEFT TO IMPROVE MY HEARING. MY RIGHT EAR IS NOW COMPLETELY EMPTY, NO INNER CANAL, NO EARDRUM, NO NOTHING, THE DOCTOR TOOK SKIN FROM MY HEAD AND MADE A NEW LOOKING EAR FOR ME.

Today, something amazing happened to me.  I had appointments at Mayo Clinic, I met with Kelly Conroy in the hearing department to have my Baha hearing device finally connected to my implant.  I was not prepared for what would happened, I normally go to Mayo Clinic without thinking much about why I'm there or who I am supposed to see, I just don't let my mind think about it unless I'm going to the 3rd floor then I need to prepare myself.
I have met with Kelly before for hearing tests and to be fitted for my Baha, but it's literally been almost a year since my implant was placed,  so much has happened since then, the Baha has not been on my mind.  Today, I was blessed with a Tender Mercy from Heavenly Father, one that I really needed right now.  I now have a new person to love at Mayo Clinic, I will never forget today, and I am so grateful Kelly Conroy was the one I shared this moment with, she was so compassionate and loving.
Kelly placed the device on my implant then made some adjustments on her computer to customize the hearing device to my hearing needs.  What happened next was simply amazing, I wish I had it on video, or that Eric could have been there to share it with me.  When she activated the device I could hear everything so clear and crisp, I smiled, we sat and talked for quite awhile so she could make sure it was working well.  We both cried as I explained some of my feelings I've had this year. This was not even the amazing part, because we were in a closed small office it did not register with me that I could actually hear things better, until I got to my car.
I opened the door to get in the front seat, when I started the car my music was so loud, I quickly turned it down, I smiled, backed the car up--and the sound of putting the car in reverse was something I had never heard. As I drove down the beeline highway, I noticed a man walking, I pulled over and asked him if he needed any help.  He was so out in the middle of nowhere, I was worried for him.  He assured me he had AAA on their way, and thanked me.  I wondered "why is he talking so loud?" I was overcome with emotion, I had to pull the car over a few miles away, get out and walk through the wild flowers, never before had I seen anything more beautiful, I looked to the sky, brilliant blue with fluffy white clouds and cried, I heard a bird chirp it was absolutely beautiful.  All these years I thought I knew what that sounded like, but today it was clearer than I had ever felt it or heard it.  I knew at that moment and time, He loves me, He really, really loves me, and not only me, He loves my biological father Colby Belshe.  I could feel his presence, this was more than an emotionally draining day for me, but at that very moment standing with my arms high, twirling in the Arizona desert I could feel that finally Colby was happy, his daughter could hear.  Colby never could forgive himself for being the fault of my deafness, I had forgiven him I don't ever remember being angry with him, not hearing was all I ever knew, I had told him many, many times I was OK, that I didn't blame him, but even to his death I believe he took that guilt with him.  Today, that is over for him, he watched me, I felt him and I know he is now able to move on.  Thank you Heavenly Father for such a beautiful gift you have given me.
I picked myself up and got back in my car, called Eric and could not believe how loud he was, I smiled tears running down my cheeks I smiled.
When I got home, this is when the real magic happened for me.  I opened the door and I heard the door knob turn, I smiled, when the door shut behind me I screamed it was so loud, it scared me. I did the same thing when my phone rang, I have "Happy" as my ring tone, I about jumped out of my own skin, but I smiled.  Walking across my wood floors I heard every step, in the kitchen I opened the microwave and shut it several times to hear the sound, did the same thing with the refrigerator, I smiled.
When my hand touched the staircase to walk up, I heard my hand even softly dragging, I smiled.  I sat on my bedroom floor weeping, all alone just the way it should be, I'm sure it was not too pretty.  I could even hear the carpet as I ran my hand across it, all I could say was thank you, thank you so much for this unexpected miracle.  Tonight I pulled the string on the dental floss and the sound was nothing I'd ever heard before, I did it over and over again until the container was all gone. Turning the pages of my scriptures was amazing, I heard every crinkle, and I smiled.  I sat on my bed in awe of what my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, at such a critical time in my life.  I wanted to shout it out on the top of my lungs, HE LOVES ME.  I don't think I have smiled like I did today for so long, and even though it was a half smile, I didn't care, I couldn't help it.  Nothing, and I mean nothing is as beautiful as being able to hear everything, all the creations He has created for us to see, hear, feel and smell we take for granted.
I can't wait to hear more things.  I immediately turned my primary music on, my favorite song has always been My Heavenly Father Loves Me....I cry every time I hear this song.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me:

Whenever I hear the song of a bird,
or look at the blue blue sky,
whenever I feel the rain on my face
or the wind as it rushes by.
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world,
Heavenly Father created for me.
He gave me my eyes that I might see
the color of butterfly wings,
he gave me my ears that I might
hear the magical sound of things
He gave me my life, my mind
my heart, I thank Him reverently
for all his creations of which I'm
a part, Yes, I know Heavenly Father
Loves me.

Today these words mean more to me than ever before, I can't help but think that Heavenly Father has been waiting for this day, preparing me, and refining me, preparing Colby too as he has suffered with this guilt for so long, I am so happy for him too.  I cannot stop crying, I am just so blessed, the tears are flowing like a river with no end in sight.  I just want to open and close things, I want to hear my grandkids laugh, oh I can't wait for that, I thought I loved those belly laughs before but I have a feeling as I get used to this new blessing I am going to continue to have tears, learning so much of what we take for granted.  So if you see me tear up, I'm ok I'm just hearing something new and enjoying it for the first time. I don't know if I can say thank you enough to Him who gave me this gift today, and I know He is smiling down on me too. I've been so lost these last few months, trying so hard to understand what I am supposed to do, what I am supposed to be learning, and maybe I will still continue to ask, but not today, today I am grateful, this is a feeling I will never ever forget.

Find Me-Frozen Inside

There have been times when I want to curl up and stay in the safety of a cocoon, much life a butterfly does.  I have had days when I  feel like I'm locked in a glass house with no way out, no key and no way to fly free--I'm emotionally healing so much slower than I expected I would.  I'm trying so hard to break out of these four walls, I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm losing my grasp, having a hard time being authentic.  I hide how tearfully hard it is for me not to be able to smile a full big smile, I feel my frailties are being masked, by a strong woman who has hard time admitting her weaknesses.

I ache at times trying so hard to hold back smiles or laughter for fear of what I look like to others.  I caught myself wanting to laugh when I heard Ezra's huge belly laugh--he is so cute--but I caught my reflection in the mirror of our entryway and suddenly realized "this is what other people see"  This immediately took me down to a low I can't explain.  I still feel so much happiness in my heart & want to share it, especially with my grandchildren but for some reason, I've let the adversary control my thoughts.  The confusion is a contradiction of what I feel inside,  I don't understand it, so I of course do not expect anyone else to understand it either.  I'm trying my hardest to Live Happy, going out and serving others, while I'm in the act of service it warms my heart and lightens my load.

I love the Happiness Movement the United Nations agreed upon, the 1st celebration was and will continue on March 20th.  I know and believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference, a rippling effect which can be wrapped over and around the hearts of people all over the world, no matter what race, culture, or religious belief.  I am an ambassador of Happiness, still I wonder sometimes if that too is a contradiction of how I feel on some days.  I feel like I am on display, I see how people look at me then quickly look away, I know because I too have done it.  I've said before on this blog, I don't believe people in general are vindictive or mean any harm, it's natural for a person to take a double look at something that is not what they are used to seeing.  I just never thought I would be the one on display.   I see them look, then look away and whisper to their friend, mother or neighbor, they both look and quickly turn their back to me, usually because they know I have just seen what they did.  The only thing that really holds me together is knowing He see's me, the REAL me--He knows I want to be me again, the sad part is because of what I've experienced I know I will never be the same again, and I believe this is a good thing.  Although, I didn't ask for this experience I'm living it.  I also realize at the same time, I do have control over how I deal with the inner aching I continue to feel. I may not be in charge of my trials, but I do have control how I deal with them, and I choose to take it slow, understanding all that is expected of me, then proceed forward in faith, and with desire to continue to be the best I can be.

On the days when I work at UsAirways, the security guard always asks me "how are you doing today Monya?" and my answer is always the same "better than I was yesterday" I wrestle with what has been lost in my life, It's more than just dealing with cancer with all of it's side effects.  I expect so much out of myself, I've always been a goal keeper.  I carry a crushing weight on my shoulders when I am unable to achieve  my goals.  I'm simply not able to do this on my own, my soul is tired and I need a rest.  I've pleaded for help so many times, I seriously think I don't have any tears left to cry.
I'm giving my all, but there are times I don't want to hear the answers. Saying I'm deaf is literally an understatement.  I am so vulnerable right now, I know I need to be willing to put all my trust one more time in the Lords hands.  I've been down this road before, I know this feeling.  It's difficult to take a step forward, and also hurts to look backwards. I want peace to speak louder than my fear. I have asked again, and again, and again "what am I supposed to learn" "What do you want me to do next?" I know when I'm finally ready to listen I will go and be or do what He needs me to be or to do.

I know this fear and pain that I am feeling needs to be turned over to the Lord, but for today, just for now I'm frozen inside.  No regrets, I've felt this pain before, and I will not bury it, I know I have to live it, feel it and when I'm living in those shadows He will find me, take me by the hand and lead me to a brighter place.

Dr. McDreamy

Been there, done that....never again....

That little black area is where the source of blood came from

So much for that shirt, bra and undergarments

I felt every bit of that blood trickle down

Ambulance.....? REALLY...?? I wonder how much that will cost me/

I decided to venture out of my hotel and see if I could find some pants, I only brought one suitcase and have run out of clothes.  I thought by now I would of had surgery and been home with my family, so I didn't bring extra anything....really, you can believe it, I'm a woman and didn't pack heavy--my husband should be impressed.
I made it to a Macy's department store and was looking on the sales rack (Eric you would be proud)
Nothing there, but while I was standing there I heard something behind me hit the wall, I turned to look and it was a significant splatter of blood.  Immediately my ear was gushing bright red runny blood, down my neck, I felt a puddle forming in my undergarments but was afraid to look--I grabbed my ear, sure enough it was not stopping there was blood everywhere.  The sales associate took me to the bathroom, sat me on a chair the blood was still gushing out, the blood was saturating the wet towel and I could feel the blood going down my throat as I put my head back.
Macy's called 911...... I asked them not to, because I don't want to pay the bill for an ambulance when I can just drive to Cleveland Clinic.  As soon as the EMT's came and saw inside my ear, they decided for me, and soon I was being lifted up into an ambulance.  I had to tell the history of my ear issues over, and over and over today.  To top it all off when I arrived at the Cleveland Clinic they rolled me into the emergency area and was told to put me in room 13............."No I will not go in room 13, please don't take me in that room, I'll wait in the hallway, but do not take me in there"  wanting me to calm down the EMT asked me why I didn't want to be in that room, I said "I'ts not a good number, it's bad  and I need all the blessings I can get right now"  he laughed at me and rolled me into room 13......YIKES--Soon Diana and her sister who live here came into my room they waited with me until a doctor could come--An ENT came cleaned me up, and called for Dr. Haberkamp however he was deep into a surgery and would not be able to come.  We waited for one of his residents to come, finally he opened the curtain and said "Hello"  I couldn't resist it I replied "Did you have to be so dang cute?"
  he laughed, and as he walked closer I could see he had a hickey on his neck, again I couldn't resist it...."Um, you know I can see that hickey, you're not fooling anyone" he laughed and said "I'll have to talk to my wife about that"

By this time  it had stopped bleeding......this was so scary I had no idea an ear could bleed that much--Originally, the EMT told us he could see the blood seeping from the surgery plug Dr. Haberkamp had put in to cover the nerve. Dr. Cutie Pie said there was a small black area in the bowl are of my ear where the  the blood was coming from. He said since I was seeing my surgeon tomorrow, I could leave and Dr. Haberkamp would assess it tomorrow.   I was so relieved, it was very very scary to feel that amount of blood gushing from my ear and not know what to do.  I just held it, probably a lot like I did when I was a young child, I remember holding it when it hurt.  I thanked the doctor and said have a good day "Dr. McDreamy"  I think he was embarrassed but he smiled.

Besides a migraine, I felt fine when I left the hospital.  I just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep, I was exhausted.  I did my usual going to bed regimen, I was finally able to lye down and once again the blood started gushing. I remembered Dr. McDreamy told me if it started to bleed again to put some Afrin on a cotton ball and put pressure on it.  I did exactly what the doctor said, and voila' blood flow stopped.  I put some bacitracin on it, covered it with a cotton ball and band aid.....and off to sleep.

Be a light to those who walk in the dark

Today is Sunday,  I wanted so badly to either go to the Kirkland Temple, or to a church close by.  I wanted to take the Sacrament, today neither one happened.  Tonight I am watching conference from my laptop, also listening to the Slade Family music, and the Sound of Music soundtrack.   My eye is getting worse everyday, and I fear losing it completely.  I've been keeping it hydrated and covered with a patch, but when I take it off for some relief--all I see is cloudy...don't be surprised if the spelling on this post is wrong.

This is a little city--white coats everywhere

I've been praying for a surgery date--tomorrow I hope something will be accomplished, I'm ready.  I want to get home and be with my family--Sundays are the nights we all get together have dinner and family home evening, oh how I miss them.  Since we've been empty nesters it's been really hard for me, I love my family around--if I had my way I would have them all move back in with us.  I haven't seen my grandchildren in 2 weeks--I haven't seen my children in 2 weeks--Eric and I Skype, so I get to see him, Blake and Chloe everyday.... I WANT YOU ALL TO UNDERSTAND THIS:  Eric and I had been planning a trip to Blake's mission in the Dominican Republic, when I was in the hospital Eric wanted to cancel, when we decided for me to come to Cleveland, I told him he has to go on the trip with Blake no matter what, just cancel my flights.  Of course he was not going to do that, he wanted to be with me, but I had a very strong feeling he needed to go and spend some time with his son, Blake will always have those memories to look back on when we are gone.  Still he was insisting on being here.  I told him if he came here, I would cancel the surgery and go home, now that made him think.  He knows when I'm serious, so he and Blake left a couple days ago, I've been talking to them everyday, thanks to modern technology.  Chloe will be working with Dr. Kelly while she is in the Dominican Republic, so this is good dad/son bonding time.  I told Blake this morning to have a great time and not worry about me, all Eric and he would be doing is sitting around (just like me) waiting for the scheduler to call. Besides the time I've had alone has given me a chance to reflect, process and get back on track with the spirit.  I have had some really serious spiritual experiences while fasting and praying for answers.

The two main sources of most importance are my eye, and to see if the bone is infected.  Not sure about the eye, but I feel really strongly that my bone is good, no infection.  I do not leave the hotel without a patch on my eye, the wind blows a lot here, it is extremely painful on my eye, it gets really red I have no peripheral vision out of the right eye. Not a good combination, deaf in the right ear, and can't see out of the right eye--boy I'm a mess--
  
I was thinking today, the body is so perfectly created by our Heavenly Father, 
when something is not working correctly we take note of it.  I never realized how important it  is
to be able to blink your eye--or how much people stare when they see someone who is not looking like the typical person should look.  
A little boy was with his dad and said "daddy, what's wrong with that ladies eye?" The dad quickly scooped him up trying to distract the little boy with a flavor of ice-cream, he asked his dad again.  I looked at the little boy and said "I have a boo boo and I'm just trying to cover it so it won't get worse"
I could see it bothered the boy's father to have me explain it.  The little boy said a few minutes later to his dad "what is wrong with her eye dad?" no answer.  I was trying my hardest not to laugh, I love little children and their ability to say it like they see it, but the father acting like I was an alien was a little bothersome.  I waved good-bye to the little boy, and off I went.  Seeing out of only one eye when I have the patch on is really strange, every step I take is difficult because my brain tells me the curb is closer than it is, I look about as gracious as a bull in a china shop. I have ran into walls, stepped on my own feet, dropped or grabbed for things that look closer or further than they really are.

The body is an amazing creation and when it is not working like it was intended to, all of what you learned, has to be retrained.  My mouth does not work like it used to either (I know most people are happy about that one) but I can only eat very small bites of things, they need to be cut up, and I can only eat on the left side, sometimes it is such a chore, my speech is OK, but hard sometimes to say my "P's and B's"  I have to hold my cheek out while I talk so people can understand.  While I Skyped with Eric and Blake this morning, he couldn't understand what I was saying, so I held my cheek out, we laughed about it---One thing I've learned in the past 5 years is that I am not in charge, Heavenly Father is, he is testing my knowledge of HOPE,  in my ability to  listen to the spirit, and step forward with FAITH.

I'm still staring at the mirror  15 minutes a day and telling my eyebrow to move, my mouth to smile and my eye to blink.....guess what? It's working today I caught my eyelid blink a couple of times while I was concentrating on it.  When Eric and I first got married he used to make me stand
in front of the mirror and tell myself "you are beautiful, you will succeed, you are going to have a great day"  I felt weird doing that, but it works--I've never met a more positive thinking person than him.
My face will work again, I know it will--just need to practice a Christlike attribute--patience.

I always despise the beginning of anything,  I'm starting to embrace these changes in my life.  I've been told I will never look the same again, well maybe physically I won't, but all these changes keeps me alive and open to new challenges.  So now it's time for one more change, I will survive, and I will go forward no matter what the doctors are able to do or not to do.  I am living in a world full of people who feel forgotten, they are not alone, I want to find a way to help them find their happy places, in spite of whatever trials they are facing.  I have given my heart and soul to HIM and to the doctors, I want to be a person who gives more than she takes--listen with my heart--smile with my eyes--and give back everyday I breathe to help someone in need.  I did a smile project, while I was going through my chemo treatments--

http://monyabonbon.blogspot.com/2010/03/my-smile-experiment.html

I have a new project, I'm in the process of  now and will tell you about it when I get my results. My focus now is embracing the new Monya--still the same heart, still the same personality, I'm trying to get refined around the edges.  I have no doubt that my Heavenly Father knows the strength I have in me, I know when I kneel down for help, he WILL answer back, however, I also know from experience it is not always the answer I want. I've tried all my life to be a humble servant, I've felt healing power in my life and in the lives of others, I have a grateful heart, right now I feel a  calm and quietness, the stillness of what I'm feeling draws me near to HIM. It makes me want to be a better daughter of God by serving others and giving back what I'm learning.  Even though I'm far away from home I know there is someone I can always turn to, and He is just one prayer away.  I realize this road ahead of me is long and is hard, but not devastating--I am concentrating on Happiness in my life--giving and sharing what I know can help others.  I am still in this school of learning that we all call LIFE.  When I look back at where I've been, I never saw these challenges in my future, I imagined it much worse--I have truly been blessed with a beautiful life, an eternal companion I call Frenchie, 4 amazing children, 2 of the best grandchildren who can light up my life with just a smile, I have FAITH in my future, I want to look back on all of this and  see that I did what was right when no one was around watching--keeping my eyes on Eternity,  I want to be a light to those who are in the dark, I want to bring them into the light and see what I see--I am the only one who can decide how I live, and I decide to LIVE HAPPY.

I let my big girl panties drop today

Today while I was at work, I could feel my ear draining, trickling out and down my neck--I quickly wiped it off with a tissue, hoping no one would see it.  I don't want to put a cotton ball in it, because it needs air, it needs circulation, I do remember Dr. Barr's saying  "there is no circulation in your ear" which seems weird to me, because most of us move our head quite a bit during a 24 hour day.  I am still trying to process this all.  I am barely functioning, yet I seem to be getting things done.

For a few minutes today I let my big girl panties drop to the floor--I couldn't resist, as much as I tried I just could not wrap my head around saying "yes" to another surgery--I promised myself I was not going to do this again--I'm once again asking, "what do I need to learn?" "What is it that I am not getting?" I have come further than I ever thought I could, I guess when Heavenly Father tells me "you can do it" I just believe I can...and I do it.

Today, I had to walk into Us Airways once again and fill out medical leave forms--legal forms--I despise them, it's such a process and this probably sounds trivial but writting out once again on a form letter--my diagnosis--my estimated days away from work brought me to tears.  I love my work at UsAirways, I love my supervisor Diana, she has been patient, kind and compassionate with me through all of my journey.  Just when I have gotten my trust back in the fact I am  healed and ready to move forward, I get slammed back in surgery once again.  I have had my doubt replaced with truth, my fears have been replaced with trust, I know the Lord takes just what he thinks I can handle, this time I am trusting he will make me all completely healed.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN LAST WEEK

On Monday I headed to Mayo Clinic again, only this time I was planning on driving myself there, since Eric has a meeting on Mondays I didn't want him to miss, he takes pride in his work and loves Jeff Blandford.  I waited to tell him I was having surgery until Sunday night, the night before the surgery.  I told him I had it all worked out and that he could go to his meeting and come to the hospital whenever he was ready.  Sonya called me to ask if I had a ride I told her "yes" because I did, me, I was my driver.  She is too smart she asks too many questions and I couldn't lie, I told her  I was taking myself and one of the kids will come with Eric later and drive my car home, sounds like a good plan to me.  I was also asked by my visiting teachers a few days earlier, Kathi Cluff and Marian Priday if they could drive me, I told them I would contact them if I needed a ride.  I do not like people to drive to Mayo Clinic and sit and wait, and wait--and that is exactly what happened today.
Marian Priday came and picked me up, drove me to Mayo Clinic, we checked in, and waited, finally they called my name I went back and got dressed, IV in and ready with a little extra for my nerves.  Marian then came back and talked to me while we waited, it was 5 hours.  Exactly why I don't like to bring people with me, I hate for them to have to wait.  However, I was so grateful to have Marian there with me, she is not only a great friend, visiting teacher and example of compassion and integrity, she also is pretty dang funny.  She waited until they finally rolled me back to surgery, blew me a kiss and off I went.

Thank You Marian for being with me

My new tattoo? No just the magic marker from Dr. Barr's

Headed off to the OR

When I woke up in recovery Eric was there, he said Dr. Barr's told him because the surgery before mine took too much time, he was not able to do all that he had expected to do.  He basically grafted some skin from my arm again and placed it just inside my ear to help with the bleeding.  He told Eric I will be having another surgery, but not sure when.  I love Dr. Barr's and I am grateful he has been so patient with me and my ear issues, he has not given up yet, we will get it all taken care of eventually.

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

There is not much to say, I went to Mayo Clinic today, and will be back tomorrow.  For today, my ear has suddenly decided to take a turn for the worse.  Yesterday I woke up with black on my pillow, I thought it might be some dried blood, no such luck--it was fresh and black, but it was also Easter and I wanted to spend a great day with my family.
I felt really dizzy most of the day, had some problems during sacrament concentrating as my ear was pounding in my head like a heart beat.  When I bowed my head during prayer I thought my head was going to explode and the equilibrium was way off when I stood up.  I saw Stephen Phelps on the stand and focused on the fact that I knew he was in pain too...sounds strange, but it was my way at that time of distracting myself.  He is such an inspiration, not many know of the pain he has, yet every week he's there playing the organ so beautifully, his testimony through his music plays directly to my heart every time.
I wore a shirt today that said "Don't forget to Smile" love that shirt--today it helped me to get past the complaining passengers who were upset about their seat assignment or the guy who could not understand why US Airways would not allow him to bring is sheep on board to ride with the rest of the customers---???  !!!  Yeah, those are the calls I get, my friend who sits next to me is always listening to my calls, he draws a big smiley face and tacks it on the wall in front of me--so today I wore that shirt for Frank.
I was able to meet up with my dear friend Jori today, we had an hour or so to visit while we both got manicures, she is still dealing with the loss of her son C.J. as she explained her Easter Sunday my heart was full and I was trying to hold back the tears when she described the day.  I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I could not handle that one--losing a child is not something I want to ever endure, but if I do, Jori will be the one I go to.  She's strong, and has wisdom I could use.
Tonight, I want to be strong like the branches of a tree, when a storm is raging.  Time to get back down on my knees and ask Him to help me be strong like the wind--hoping that wind will push me further up this hill I'm climbing.
I've done all I can do, listened to my doctors, taken my medicine, tried natural path, now it's time, time for me to decide if what I preach I can put to action.   While at the doctor today, the cute resident who is usually there was not seeing me today, I'm not sure if she is in that department anymore.  Today I saw another cute resident, he looked in my ear, didn't say much, left the room to get Dr. Barr's.  When he came in I said while holding out my shirt "don't forget to smile" trying to keep the energy positive,  he said "I hope you can smile" I was sure he was going to tell me all was well in the journey of my ear problems.  Boy was I off, it was actually the opposite.  He brought in Kathleen his nurse to take a look, then he and she sucked out what they could.  They rattled off a bunch of medical terms I'm not aware of, basically what I was told he wants to get this surgery ASAP--when Kathleen mentioned tomorrow--I was a little shocked--I'm not being given any choices?  I guess I've been hoping putting off the inevitable, I thought I would be smarter than the doctor----big mistake---he's made an earthquake shake my soul today.  So much for that "don't forget to smile" shirt.
Am I missing something?  I've been wanting to move out of the shadows and into the sun, taking baby steps, reconnecting with friends I've not had time to see or spend time with in years, being a partner in a company who's core values are exactly what I believe in.  I'm finally comfortable where I am in my life, an occasional visit to Mayo Clinic would  be OK, these weekly visits are annoying me.  Dr. Northfelt can't tell me I'm cancer free, but I've learned to live with that, cope with it, trust in Him.  Today I felt more alone than I have in a very long time.  I had an appointment after Mayo Clinic, when I left there I pulled over my car and cried a river, then said a prayer, listened for an answer--NOTHING !  When I've searched for answers in the past, I've always trusted He will answer back, He's always shown me that I can handle any trial that comes my way, I've always felt Him beside me, but today, today I didn't feel it.  I'm scared, I know he knows the strength I have, I know He understands where my heart is, what is wrong this time?  I feel like I'm being pulled back into that black hole, the one that took me 4 years to crawl out of.  I need my friends, I want to be with them, but I don't ever want them to see me like I was today.  Tomorrow, Mayo Clinic will show up on my caller ID, so many times I want to go back to the days of no cell phones, stay in a place of happiness until I get home and listen to messages from our home phone, what happened to those days?  Tonight, it's time for me to get to sleep, it's quiet here, Eric is asleep I haven't even had time to talk to him today.  We have been so happy working together with something we both believe in, now I'm supposed to do what? These surgeries will put me so far behind my goals--but for now, I'm going to bed, hopefully sleeping until 4:30 when I will rise up and start my day again.  I said "I will not have another surgery, no more I'm done, it's time to let it go and let  the Lord do what he thinks is best"  I guess taking the rain with the sunshine, is the only way I will get to see the rainbows.

Never Give Up

I have to remind myself of this daily

Oh how many times I've heard those words...."Never give up" but today never have those words resignated with my soul as they did today.  I've been dealing with this ear issue for over a year now, I said after my last surgery "no more, I'm done, I can't do it anymore"
On December 10th 2013 I went under the knife again, my time has been occupied with Mayo Clinic for over 4 years.  I have wonderful family and friends who have supported, prayed, fasted and served me, most of them do it with no recognition only pure intent of a good heart.
With so much time being dedicated to Mayo Clinic, doctors, MRI's, CAT scans, Bone scans, blood tests---etc..the list goes on and on.  I have done everything my doctors have told me to do, I have no regrets.  My doctors have become my best friends, and Mayo Clinic the 2nd home I never saw coming.
I love each and everyone of the doctors on my team....but I need a life....outside of Mayo Clinic.  I made the decision NO MORE SURGERY, no more putting bandaids on things.  I missed a few appointment the last couple of weeks, and honestly can say I didn't care a bit.  I'm tired, I'm simply exhausted.
In January I was approached by a dear friend who I have not had enough time with, but who has always stayed steady in checking in on me.  Shelli asked me if I'd like two tickets to Barrett Jackson, Eric in his wisdom said "let's go, it's time to get you out of this house" I have to admit I was feeling a little vulnerable with my ear exposed, worrying I would be bumped or  touched during the rush of people, still we went.
When we arrived Eric and I were greeted by Shelli, she took me to a booth where a few of other old time friends were working, and anti aging skin product called Nerium AD.  I sat in the booth, while Eric and Mark (Shelli's husband) strolled around looking at all the awesome cars. I sat and listened 1/2 way there and 1/2 way in another world--I saw all of these people, some my close friends who I have not seen for so long, they were all so happy.  Shelli asked me several times if I was OK, and I said I was fine, just watching them..she said to me "I'd really like to spend some time with you, and I have the perfect avenue to make that happen"  My mind was telling me "no, I'll just disappoint you, I can't fit this into my schedule" but my heart was saying "Mayo is not your home, it's time to reclaim your life"
I've been so occupied thinking about dying, I've forgotten to Live.  I handed her my credit card with no hesitation, signed up for a new life with Nerium, bought my ticket to a national conference in St. Louis then went home.
I had no idea what I'd just got handed--a Tender Mercy--at the time it was an impulse, but one that I felt good about, and I've been really good at knowing what is best for me, I listened with my heart this time.
Now I recognize the Lord's intervention once again, HE knows what I can handle, and on that day, January 17th, my little brother's birthday--I was handed another tender mercy.
I have still continued to say "I cannot handle any more surgery" I've been meeting with Shelli every week, and now my circle of friends has grown by 12,000 plus people.
As I sat listening to a talk on Friday afternoon, taking notes, busily listening and laughing with my friends, the speaker said 3 little words that popped me right back into reality--Mayo reality--those three words were "Never give up" it was as if the spirit was whispering to my heart, the tears bubbled up and flowed down my cheeks--I hurried  to make a mad dash to the women's restroom, hoping  no one would notice my emotional tears--I didn't want to bring them down off their high adrenaline rush. I sat in a bathroom stall with the door shut and the toilet seat down, staring at the purple doors, counting the tiles on the dirty floor--trying to compose myself--I did what I've done a million times--I prayed, yes I prayed in a purple painted, dirty floor, public bathroom.  Usually it's in the most random places and when I least expect it that the tears flow--a memory--a song-and in this case 3 words NEVER GIVE UP--I'm not giving up, I'm just reaching for something that inevidably in my mind is never going to happen--I am never going to be done fighting for my life--I feel like I fight these battles every other month, but will eventually lose the war.
 The noise of all the women sharing their happiness, spreading their joy with each other, suddenly left while I spoke to God--asking him, no begging him to 1st help me dry these eye's so no one would know--and 2nd to give me an answer, any answer, just please tell me what I'm supposed to do, what am supposed to be learning here?  Suddenly all the beautiful chatter of those women slowly began to be heard--I sat and cried a bit more, then I stood up with my shoulders squared and head held high, I said "I can do this" I put on my big girl panties, and decided even if I'm never going to be given those 4 little words I've been dying to hear "you are cancer free" I'm going to make time to clear my mind of cancer, step forward with confidence and spread some happiness, not only for me but for my future legacy.  I just needed that moment to just cry, cry with no one watching but my Heavenly Father--and I know it's hard for him to see, but for that moment I needed no one to ask me why I was crying, I just needed to let those emotions out.  I've been forced to face a deep pain, physically, spiritually and mentally--I've been forced to face a villain and there's nothing I can do but just get it out once in awhile--I know this pain is not going away anytime soon--but I need not to be asked when I'm going to stop crying, or why I'm crying--sometimes it just happens.  Life for a cancer patient is just that way, and I know one day all this will taken away, life on the other side is going to be a place I won't feel this pain--I've felt so much joy in my life and these tears are not me surrendering to anything, it's just something I need to do every now and again.  I'm not as strong as I sometimes think I am.
I truly believe in these words "He never said it would be easy, He said it would be worth it"  For now I am reclaiming my life, spending more time with friends I have not seen for so long, and Shelli was absolutely right when she told me Nerium is the way for me to get away from my cancer world. I've had plenty of people ask me what my "why" is for getting involved with Nerium or any other business with all I have going on, and for the fact that my husband makes enough money for me to go and do whatever I want--to those people I say this "the Lord has been tenderly watching over me, giving me his sweet grace and love all along the way, he takes my doubt away and replaces it with truth, Nerium is just the avenue to get me to a better place in my life"  I have also been asked by several blog advertisement companies telling me recently my blog has had over 4 million hits, if I would like to advertise and make money from every click on my blog--I have now turned them down for the 3rd time, I finally added a button for Nerium but the response was "but you could be making so much money" in return my response was "this is a sacred place where I can go and not have distractions--I appreciate the offers, but I only have this blog to express myself openly and honestly, I will not give in to advertising for a few extra bucks.  I did not choose to be a part of the Nerium family for money--and after this conference I know why, I know why I was drawn to this company, it was an answer to prayer.  I sold my wedding business not feeling like I could commit to brides, not knowing in 3 months what will happen with my health.  I honestly feel like being with positive happy people, taking me to a place where my heart can heal, my soul can soar while helping others reach their potential--I've been given a gift by Shelli Richardson, one I am feeling satisfaction, working with a company who believes in giving 10% of all earnings to a church or organization in need,  a company that is more about self development than it is about money--I cannot even begin to explain the fullness in my heart for this opportunity--I will no longer talk about Nerium, and do not want this to be an advertisement for them.
So tomorrow I will once again be headed to Mayo Clinic--being asked again about having another procedure--at this point tonight I am not sure what I will say, I am going to not commit to anything, I will listen with my heart.

Never take hearing for granted

To the person who wanted to know how my phone got in the toilet?  It was in my back pocket, just so you know I retrieved it before I sat down--no body fluids got on the phone, but it was still kinda gross to put my hand in the water and may I also say I did it swiftly and without thinking--I guess this goes to show us how much we all care about our phones.

Dr. Barr's

I saw Dr. Barr's today at the Mayo Clinic, the more I visit with him the more I admire and love him.  I'm not sure how or why I am so blessed to have the team of doctors I have, but I really do have a great relationship with all of them.

Today he vacuumed out my ear, there was a lot of drainage.  When I told him about the pain I was feeling down the back side of my ear and down my neck, he took a look and said he could not see that far into my ear, he would have to take off the ear again to see why it is causing this pain.  However, he did reassure me that the surgery I went through will probably take 6 months to completely heal from. I had only 2 questions for him.....

Me:  "OK I know this may seem weird to you, but I'm going to ask anyway OK?"
Dr.:  with a huge smile, I love his smile. "yes, go ahead and ask"
Me:   lifting my hair back as if I was putting it in a ponytail "Do you see any difference in my two ears?"
Dr.:  again with that smile "Umm, yes one sticks out more than the other"
Me:  "will it always be this way, because I like to workout with my hair up, and it is really obvious"
Dr.:  "your ear is still healing and is still swollen, however I don't think there is enough bone to support your right ear the way you had it before surgery." (smile) "let me ask you, would you rather have a tumor in your ear and a normal looking ear? or would you rather have a chance to live and hear better out of your left ear? besides you have a screw hanging out of the bone that is visible too, who cares what your ear looks like when your hair is up, no one will even notice"
Me:  "now wait just a darn minute, that's not fair" he smiles bigger this time with his eyes "what can I say to that?" we both laugh and I say "you are absolutely right"
Dr.:  "what is your other question?"
Me:  "did you know I have bald spots on my head?"
Dr.:  no smile--more concerned "where are they let me see them"
Me:  pulling back my hair on the left side I show him the complete baldness in a 2 inch by 2 inch round
with very little hair covering it--then another one in the back of my head
Dr.:  "I am so sorry, I wish I had a magic potion we could put on that to make it grow back"
Me:  "It's OK, I've been bald before this is nothing"
Dr.:  "good attitude it will grow back before you know it"

Now thinking back about this conversation I'm kind of embarrassed that I asked him about my ear sticking out, I'm sure he wishes he could speak louder, but is glad to be alive and enjoying life with his family.

One of the reason's I love Dr. Barr's so much and we have connected easily, he has had problems with his Trakia and Larynx, so he talks very quietly almost a whisper--when we first met, he read my charts and said jokingly "you and I are a great team, I can't talk, and you can't hear" he is so great to talk directly to my face so I can read his lips.  He was very tender with me when I cried in his office about what I was feeling during those weeks of not being able to hear, his residents where in the room and he asked them to make sure if they talked to me they were looking straight at my face so I could try to read their lips.  I think I respond better to doctors who can be serious when they need to, give it to me straight, and then joke and make light of things when it's necessary to just get my thick head to understand, hair grows back--"who cares, at least I'm Alive"

I will not be returning to work next week, Dr. Barr's decided I need one more week to try to get this infection under control.  I am feeling much better, and am ready to go back to work, Eric wants me to take it easy and do what the doc tells me to do.  Tonight  I can't help but be overwhelmed with all the blessings I have received throughout my life.  I'm looking forward to 2014 with a strengthened heart, and greater empathy for the deaf.  I would love to learn sign language--maybe I will add that to my list of things to do.

Through this experience I'm not sure what I was supposed to learn and maybe my school of learning on this topic is not quite over yet, but I know what I have learned so far:

Never take hearing for granted
Listen to uplifting music-music that brings a smile to your face or a tear to your eye.
He sees the heart inside me, and is the only one who knows the strength I have
Even if I can't hear, I can feel Him with me--every time I kneel down he always answers

Toilet Phone

Tonight I cannot sleep, it's 12:15 the house is quiet as all are asleep and I am lost in thought.  Last week I lost my phone to the toilet--I tried all the tricks--I heard putting it in rice would help, but not for me I left it there for 4 days and still no good. I missed a Mayo appointment, but other than that I don't think I missed much.   It was nice not being responsible, but I admit I realized how much I have come to rely on that device.  I think Eric was more worried about it than I was, because he likes to call me throughout the day and check to see how I am, we do not have a land line here at our home so unless I was with one of my children he had no way of getting in touch with me.  So with that being said I now am the owner of a new phone, thank you Eric.

I will be visiting Mayo Clinic with Dr. Barr's on Wednesday morning. Hoping and praying all is going well with the healing, I am supposed to go back to work on February 4th.  I can't believe I'm saying this but I am looking forward to it. With the merger between USAirways and American it is important I am there to keep up with the latest and get the training I need.

My right ear is draining quite a bit, I've been leaving the cotton ball out so it can dry out, this was Dr. Barr's suggestion, but I'm pretty sure it's getting infected, I can feel it in my right jaw, behind the ear and down into my neck.  It aches constantly but I refuse to take the pain pills, I've tried some herbal remedies but nothing will work like a good ole narcotic, and I really don't want to go through what I went through to get off of them while I was dealing with my chemo and radiation.

I've gotten some energy the past couple of weeks, I've been juicing all my veggies and fruits in the morning and it has helped me not only get the nutrition I need but given me some energy to get out of the house.  I went to church on Sunday, and did not wear my mask--I have a hard time breathing in it, but I understand the risk also.   I'm ready to get on with life, no mask, no medicine, no blogging about my broken heart every time another trial comes our way.  I don't think I can cry any more, it's time for me to dry my eyes, wipe off all the tears, stand up, let the sunlight in and start living again.

I will never take my ears or hearing for granted again--3 weeks of literally not being able to hear was overwhelming to me, the only thing that helped me through it was reading, I read the entire book of Preach my Gospel, with special attention to reading chapter 6 on the attributes of Christ.  What I learned from this experience, is that I was lifted up and helped through those agonizing weeks.  I have nothing to complain about, when I see the Lord someday, I want to be able to say to him "Thank you, thank you for being my friend during those 3 weeks, for you were the only one I KNEW understood what I was feeling and all the fears I had" I will glory in his name all the days of my life, but also I am thankful he allowed my hearing to return in that left ear, the day it popped and I could hear again was amazing--the birds seemed to chirp louder than I had ever heard, the phone rang more than I wanted, but the thing I loved the most was hearing music again, Sunday I could hardly get through the music, and continually  watched Stephen Phelps play his testimony through his music, magically this man can calm my heart with his incredible way of putting my life in perspective, music is my way of communicating to my own heart what I am feeling.  Thank you Eric for bringing a sense of humor to the situation.  I forget sometimes to just laugh at myself, if my story was written I really think it would be hard for some to believe, and maybe even I would laugh--but with that being said It's time for me to try and sleep and to leave with this final thought for my children and family:

“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle,accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is life, fight for it.”

~ Mother Teresa

Results from Cultures

Today is Friday January 17th--

As I said before, during surgery they were able to take the tumor out in tact--no problems YAY--that is good news.  However, yesterday as I met with Dr. Barr's I was more concerned about the lack of hearing in my good ear than the right ear--he did examine the right ear and  Eric and I were able to see it on the screen as he vacuumed it out.  He said the healing looks as expected and to cut back on some of the cleaning regimen and antibiotics--doing the antibiotic too often can cause fungus which is not an easy thing to rid your body from. I was surprised how infected it still looked.

They found several strands of bacteria and were sent to the infectious disease department at Mayo.

PEPTOSTREPTOCOCCUS :  infections can occur in all body sites, including the CNS, head, neck, chest, abdomen, pelvis, skin, bone, joint, and soft tissues. Inadequate therapy against these anaerobic bacteria may lead to clinical failures. Because of their fastidiousness, peptostreptococci are difficult to isolate and are often overlooked. Isolating them requires appropriate methods of specimen collection, transportation, and cultivation. Their slow growth and increasing resistance to antimicrobials, in addition to the polymicrobial nature of the infection, complicate treatment.

ASACCHAROLYTICUS:

family of bacteria living usually in the alimentary canal or on mucous surfaces of warm-blooded animals; sometimes associated with acute infective processes

VEILLONELLA: it has been isolated in pure culture from various sites and implicated as a pathogen in the sinuses, lungs, liver, central nervous system, heart, and bone. Bactere- mia in the absence of an underlying source, however, is ex- tremely rare; to our knowledge.

I will be closely monitored by Mayo, but for now it looks like everything else is healing as expected.  I told him I was more worried about the loss of hearing in the left ear, I even got a little teary eyed trying to explain how it feels.  I am able to speak one on one with someone by reading lips and hearing slightly what is being said, but in groups of people I do not do not do well, it's hard for me to understand where the sounds are coming from.  His RN Kathleen, explained to me that this is totally normal for people going through these symptoms.

I then turned and asked Dr. Barr's why or where the fluid is coming from in my left ear his response with a smile on his face was " You as a person, we love and you are great, but you have terrible ears, this is just something that is part of your anatomy and we will deal with it as we go"  I have to ask people to speak directly at my face and raise their voice.  We are also praying this is a  temporary loss of hearing, if not he will poke a hole in my left ear to release the fluid, but he prefers to wait a couple of weeks to see if it clears out before doing this, because it is my only ear that I have hearing from it is a risk to make a hole in the eardrum.

I asked him about the tubes he had mentioned before and he said no to the tubes--no explanation.  So basically for now, I will be monitored closely go to my appointments and be rechecked and rechecked. If I would like the hole put in the eardrum to release the fluid now I can, he said it is my option, but I decided to go with his suggestion and wait it out.
As far as the right ear recovery Dr. Barr's said it really will take 3-4 months to fully recover.   So to me this sounds like good news. The only problem is, I would like to go back to work on schedule February 4th but since my job relys completely on the ability to hear, Dr. Barr's will either extend my medical leave or drain the left ear with a hole being placed in the eardrum.

The BAHA looks good, and I should be able to get the BAHA in March or April.

All I have is yours

Today is Sunday Jan 12, 2013

Well I did it, I went to church today, and was able to sit through all three hours, yay, pat on the back for me.  I was not feeling well yesterday and stayed in bed all day, except to get sick.  I also spent a very quiet Saturday, literally.  The kids all went to Disneyland, Jeremy Kayla Ezra and Recker spent the day together, and Eric was at work, honestly I was relieved to be allowed to just do nothing, but rest and pray I can go to church.  I made a goal to at least try to get through Sacrament, but I was able to make it through Sunday School and Relief Society.

I wish I could truthfully say it was easy, I can't.   This was a huge eye opener for me today, and I caught myself several times in tears.  I walked in a little late, Eric saved me a seat.  Just before I left the house I went back and forth to my room twice to pray....."please help me to understand what they are saying" that was my 1st prayer and not feeling quite happy with it, I walked back upstairs knelt next to that all familiar place next to my bed and poured out my heart, "I know you are teaching me something, or trying to, am I so hard headed that I am not getting it? please Heavenly Father, help me to listen with my heart today, even if I can't understand what is being said"  I waited a few minutes with my head low and eyes closed, expecting something, but it never came.

I was met at the chapel doors by President Packard, (one of my favorite people of all time) he had his head down with folded arms, so by this I knew the prayer was going on, I waited watching him, I could not hear one thing being said so watching him gave me the indication when the prayer was over. He shook my hand and we greeted with a sweet hello. I'm wearing a mask, so our eyes smiled.  I have never been frightened to enter the chapel, but today I was, until I saw Eric stand and help me get seated.  Marian tapped my shoulder and smiled, what a comfort if she only knew what I was feeling.  How will I communicate with these people I love so much, I can talk--that's never been my problem--I wonder why not? why didn't my mouth get reconstructed?  It's usually  the one thing that gets me in the most trouble, if you've followed my blog or know me well you know I don't keep much to myself. This has always been one of my downfalls, and hardships in life......just say nothing.....maybe this is what the Lord trying to teach me....for so many years as a child and youth I kept quiet through the rough times, after all we were the All American Family, I think once I gave myself the permission to speak I never shut up....ha ha.

I sat through Sacrament, having to constantly ask Eric what the speakers were talking about.  Mary Greer Spoke today and props to her, I could read her lips for most all of her talk, she is amazing and has been through so many trials this past year.  Just an amazing family the Greers, Julie is wonderful I love her, and I can see the growth and comfort she and President Greer are giving to Mary and her very small children after the death of Mary's husband last year.  Sunday School I caught very little of what was being said, it's so hard to explain I have about 25% hearing in one ear, and it happened over night, I have a very difficult time hearing when there is a group of people, I had no idea who was reading, quoting or commenting (one of those tearful moments)  When I only had hearing in one ear, I thought I was a pretty good lip reader--come to find out--I'm not--If I am talking to someone one on one I do really good, but when noise is coming from all around me I have no idea where it is or who it is.  I'm so glad Haleigh was with me in Relief Society today--I've always been a believer that nothing happens in life as a coincidence, I know if Haleigh was not there I could of easily asked any woman in that room to sit on my left side and help me to follow along with the lesson, but I loved having my sweet baby girl there, she whispered in my ear when she thought I didn't understand and she was right every time.

Today I have been thinking about a dear friend of mine who was killed by a drunk driver years ago, she and I worked together.  She taught me so many words in sign, it was something I enjoyed and always wished I had taken more interest in a class or two--I know I wouldn't be able to communicate in this way with my family or with anyone else who didn't know sign. But Blake didn't know how to communicate Spanish when he went on his mission, he came home and knows the language. Is this what I am supposed to learn?  Could I go on a sign language mission?  Remember these are just my wonderings--my mind goes places sometimes--like today.

And now here I am tonight, I can't sleep, worried about too many things.  I took a bath, listened to uplifting music with my ear phones on, so as not to wake the family with the speakers full blast. I went into Haleigh's bedroom read some of the Preach my Gospel, and finally decided to pray.

The Lord Loves Me

Tuesday December 24th--

This week I got a phone call from my sister Sonya, her son and his wife Katie are having a baby in a couple months, she's been so excited because she had all boys and now finally they were having their 1st baby girl in the family, her phone call was to let me know Katie had gone to her regular appointment and there was no heart beat, the baby had died.  It was heart breaking, and Jimmie was in California.  She was induced gave birth to Dannie Jo, named after her dad, she was 12" long and weighed 1.3 pounds.  Yesterday we attended her graveside, nothing has touched me like this did, seeing Jimmie carry this tiny little casket to burial area  and then he and Katie stood and talked about their love for Dannie Jo and the plan of salvation, I was very impressed with their knowledge of the plan of salvation there is no doubt in my mind or theirs that they will hold and love and hug and kiss Dannie Jo again someday.  She is a good reason for us all to live like Christ did so we can be with her again --

Also going on in the Williams family Blake was admitted to Banner Gateway early this morning, he has been to the ER a couple of times this week and been sent home with really no answers.  He has incredible pain in his stomach, throwing up, diarrhea and complete  frustration not knowing what the problem is.  They took several  cultures and we still have no answers.  He was dis-charged from the hospital with antibiotics, pain meds, and a referral to a gastro Doctor.  Also last night our little Recker was in the ER, I don't really understand a lot about his diagnosis (Autism) but he has breathing problems when he gets a cold it is intensified. Last night he was gasping for breath, so Kayla took him to the ER at Phoenix Children's Hospital,  he is home now and doing well, he was given some breathing treatments.

After spending time at the hospital today, when I got home the right side of my face was very swollen, Sonya had said something about it yesterday but I didn't notice anything except that I cannot eat much as my jaw hurts when I open my mouth, so soup has been just about all I can eat.  Last night when I washed my face I could see the swollen areas Sonya was talking about, and it felt different on that side when I put on the face lotion. Tonight I had Sonya and Greg come over and look at the inside of my ear with a flashlight, Eric was gone and I cannot see inside my ear, I always put two pieces of cotton in my ear like the Doctor showed me how to do, but I could not find the other one. Greg did the looking, Sonya held the flashlight--not a fun sight to see I'm sure, I asked Greg to take a picture so I could see what it looks like.

Sonya had some tears in her eyes, but I know she has had so much going on that this was not what she was worried about.  The pain is still unmanageable, and I am so worried of getting germs, but quite honestly I do not feel great and have not left my home other than  Eric taking me for a ride and that was not what I had expected.  Tomorrow is Christmas and Eric and I both looked at each other and said we do not feel the Christmas spirit that we normally do.  Let's hope 2014 will be an uplifting and learning year without surgery or pain.

Christmas Day 2013

I woke up this morning to my sweet Ezra in my face, smiling big.  Oh I love my grandchildren they certainly can  turn a frown into a smile.  Neither Ez or Recker  understand or know what Christmas is, we enjoyed giving them some little things and spending time with Kayla and Jeremy, but the second Ezra got tired I took the opportunity to feed him his bottle in my bed and take a nap next to him.  We slept for awhile until Blake and Chloe, and Scott and Haleigh showed up, Kaitlyn and Brian are in Utah so we will celebrate with them when they get home from spending time with the Wrights.  I have to enjoy my time with Ezra when Kaitlyn is gone because she really does like to hog him...he loves her and lightens up when she comes int he room.

While I write this post it is almost midnight, I am sewing, blogging and watching The Sound of Music--my favorite movie of all time--Eric is fast asleep.  He tried his hardest to get someone to go to see a movie tonight, no luck.  I'm glad he has such a great relationship with his son in laws and Blake.  I looked at him tonight before he went to sleep and said "You know how much I love you?" he smiled and said "not more than I love you" and that was music to my ears, no better way to go to sleep at night I suppose.  Tomorrow I will see the surgeon for a 2nd opinion, but I told Sonya yesterday I don't consider it "giving up" but I really am done with all the cancer stuff, it is no way to live and my quality of life may not be the same as what others may think they would want.  So lets pray tonight that the news will be good tomorrow. Tonight I have a lot to be grateful for another Christmas I have been given to spend with my family.  The Lord loves me.