Today was my last chemo treatment....the significance of this milestone is overwhelming to me. I am not feeling well today, but I know I need to get my feelings down on my blog, because as it usually goes the week of chemo I get more sick as the days go on, and it makes it difficult for me to concentrate (mostly because of the drugs)
My day started with Tamy picking me up at 9am checking in at 9:40, we sat in the waiting area visiting with each other and having a spiritual talk that I will not soon forget, I love Tamy. I was explaining to her how much I feel UN prepared spiritually for this trial.
I am really so far from being done with this journey, as I look back on the past 6-7 months it is in some ways such a blur, and in some ways it has brought my eyes, and heart wide open. I have so much to be grateful for and I am looking forward to 6 months from now when I can say "I am cancer free"
I did not want to go to chemo, it is grueling and makes me so sick, but today I knew it would be my last and I was ready to conquer. It was a rainy day, and after hours of the chemo being pumped into me, the nurse came to say I was done, the chemo was done draining. Tamy looked out the window and said "look at the beautiful rainbow"
tears filled my eyes, because I knew it was the Lord giving me a sign, it was like the rainbow I saw with Haleigh in Hawaii, just 2 weeks before I found out I had the VILLAIN in me, except for one thing we could not see the end of the rainbow this time. The VILLAIN is still lingering over our house, but I am still here, trying to survive. I believe the end is in sight, but I have a little more work to do.
The nurses came in and celebrated with me, I cried as I hugged each one of them and Tamy. Now I have the month of March off, only 2 doctor appointments, they will do the mapping to get me ready for radiation in April. I am so looking forward to being with my family, we are going away from here for spring break and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Lately I have been thinking about what it would be like to have to say "goodbye" to my children and husband, Have I done everything I can think of to be a good mom and wife? NO, is the answer !! How can I look in their eyes and say goodbye? I have so much to do still so much to accomplish. Kayla just became a mom for the 1st time, although she is an amazing mommy, I like to think she needs my help, she teaches me so much everyday about motherhood, patience, kindness and unconditional love.
Life with Kayla has always been easy, she has been a wonderful daughter to me, as a small child she graced us with her smile and contagious laughter. when I look at her now I see a daughter of God who is strong and ready for the life that she and Jeremy will have together but NO I am not ready to say goodbye to her.
Blake, my sweet Blake I love him so much he is my only son and the day he was born I knew he was going to be a valiant servant of our Heavenly Father. He was a big baby 9 lbs 5 oz and 21 inches long, he came out big and to this day has the biggest heart of any young man I know. As a small boy he could melt my heart with his big blue eyes, he was a mischievous little boy curious about the world around him, definitely loved being in the outdoors and still does, Heavenly Father knows him... he knew the mission he sent him on would not only give him joy but growth. He has become a wise and faithful soldier of the Lord and continues to want to give more of who he is to us and to the Lord. NO, I'm not ready to say goodbye to that boy.
Kaitlyn, the one who has deemed as most like me, and she is, she has my personality, my looks (sorry about that one) and my strength I love everything about her, but yet doubt myself as a mother so many times, when my best is not enough she has always lifted me up with just a smile or a "reality check" She did everything early, she rolled over before she was 2 months old, she was running around the church by 7 months, we could not keep up with her. Her personality was and is outgoing, the room would light up when she came in, but we always wondered what mess we were going to have to clean up. She has always made us happy, she has a strong testimony and now as a wife she is teaching me how to do it right. I have so much to learn from her, she was spiritually prepared and ready when the Lord introduced her to Brian and now they are building their marriage with strength and love of the Lord, together they will be able to listen when HE whispers to their souls answers to their prayers. YES, I want to watch them grow together, so NO I'm not ready to say goodbye, not yet.
Haleigh is my baby, and will always be my baby. Eric and I planned her, we were so excited when she was born. Her personality was quiet and reserved. I remember looking at her one day when she was about 9 months old and thinking she is going to be a leader, a strong daughter of God who will always be an example of what a young woman should be, over the years I have seen her become faithful and steady, pure and holy a compassionate young woman. I know our Heavenly Father looks down on her and surrounds her with his spirit. I do see in her what Heaven sees in her, and I am not ready to say goodbye to my baby who has so much more to give the world, I want to be here when she chooses her eternal companion and is married in the Temple. I want to see her become a mother and share her spirit with her children.
Eric, what can I say he has seen me through so much in my life, I love him eternally. I could not look him in the face and tell him I am ready to leave, leave you here with the mess after I'm gone. I want to take back every time I was angry or upset with him. Does it really matter if the closet is not cleaned, or the bed not made, why did I get mad at the garage not being cleaned out unless I did it, (I've always thought that was a mans job) why couldn't we do it together? Do we really need a new car, or the best of EVERYTHING? No we don't, I remember Eric's mom telling me one time before she died, "If Eric comes home from work and wants to just sit and talk or go for a drive, and you don't want to because there are dishes in the sink, you go, you go because the dishes will be there when you get home, but you do not know if tomorrow You or Eric will be there" This is so true, we never know what obstacles will be put in our path along the way, and in our marriage we have had a few and I have stayed home to do the dishes, I'm sorry I did.... the dishes are still there....who cares? if anyone really cares that my house is a mess then they need to be faced with a life or death journey. This journey I am on is teaching me, I am learning to leave the dishes and enjoy the moment. So on this late night I finish this entry by saying a prayer, kneeling and pleading again with my Heavenly Father to help through this fight. My peace is in your hands, please calm these storms that I am in, please give me another chance to feel strong and faithful, forgive me for being "in the world" instead of listening to your whispers in my ear when you said so many times "be still and know that I am God" or the last few months when you have said to me "dear daughter of mine, lets fight this together, it is a mountain but we can climb it together" I just want another chance please let me rise up from this, I will do better next time I promise, I am a child of God who wants another chance.
Monday, February 15, 2010
I miss Kaitlyn so much and I was so excited when her and Brian told me they were going to be able to visit this weekend. It has been months since I've seen Brian. Seeing them together, here with the family made me miss them even more, I wish so badly that they lived closer. I tried so hard to be up to par with them while they were here, I made sugar cookies for Kaitlyn because I know how much she loves them, and she asked me to make them since it was Valentines Day weekend. Even though my body was in pain, my heart was full of happiness because they were here.
We had alot of fun just staying at home and enjoying each other .Brian and Kaitlyn are so cute and I know why Kaitlyn married him, he is perfect for her in every way. Today they went back to their home in Utah, and I am sad again. Having all of my family in one place at the same time will be a dream come true, the next time that will happen is when Blake gets home from his mission, and speaking of Blake I miss him, and have shed more than one tear over that boy lately. Tonight even as I feel the aching of my body, I am so grateful to be a mom, not only to be a mom but to be Kayla, Blake, Kaitlyn, and Haleigh's mom.
Being a mom is easy when you know they are making wise choices and including the Lord in their lives.
Friday, February 12, 2010
The last 2 nights have been the most uncomfortable and painful nights of my life. My legs, back, arms and feet are throbbing, I feel like I can't get any relief. I have taken all the drugs prescribed to me and still nothing seems to help. My bones and muscles are in so much pain, it's difficult to describe. Have you ever over exercised your muscles and the next day they ache? I have too, but this is much worse. Eric held me in the fetal position and listened to me cry while telling him I don't want to do this anymore, I wish it was over, I said it so much he did not know how to respond, he rubbed my legs until I fell asleep. Thank goodness for him and Haleigh, they both rubbed and held me not knowing what to say. I love you
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
About a month ago I wrote to Blake and told him I wanted to study the Preach My Gospel book, (this is the book that the missionaries of the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latterday Saints study out of) He wrote me back and said "mom just study chapter 3 and chapter 6, the rest is just missionary stuff you would be bored with it" SO I got out my book and read chapter 3 twice. I am now studying chapter 6, entitled How do I develop Christlike Attributes I am totally obsessed with this chapter. When Jesus said "Follow Me" he is talking to all who believe in HIM, what better example for us who are trying to be more like him in our lives, striving to become wiser in our choices, choice of words with others, choice of thoughts we can all become more like HIM if we believe in the Atonement of Christ we know that none of us is perfect but through the Atonement of Christ we all can try everyday to achieve this goal.
The Christlike Attritbutes included in this chapter are:
Faith in Jesus Christ
Charity and Love
For each one of these Attributes there are scriptures to study, and an Attribute activity to help you to develop your goal.
I have decided to take one at a time and work on it, and when I fail at it I will work on it again and again. Life is full of ups and downs and as we all try to acheive these attributes maybe together we can make the world a better place to live in.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Last night Highland Highschool had a basketball game. Haleigh is the President of ONE IMAGE dance team at Highland, she told me they were having a PInk Out for breast cancer. All the team players wore pink socks and a pink shirt to support the cause, there was also a silent auction and raffles to raise money. The ONE IMAGE dance team danced at half time and they all wore hot pink, I was so grateful that this was not a chemo week so that I could go. I loved it and I love watching Haleigh dance.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
I was thinking as I watched Brothers and Sisters with my daughter the other day, I wish my life was like this TV show. One of the girls on the show found out 2 months ago she has cancer, she has already gone through chemo, lost all her hair, radiation and is now running for a Senate spot, oh yeah and her hair is back ............. wait what??????? I wish it was that easy and fast !!!! Actually I take that back I am glad my life is real, I have to feel something, I have to learn something, and HOLLYWOOD is not where I want to learn it.
The last 2 nights I woke up from dreams of me running, it felt so good. I know to some that would be a nightmare, ha ha but I am so determined to fight this VILLAIN and be able to exercise again. During this dream I was not in a race I was just running in a park, happy with all my hair in a ponytail, I was keeping up pace and enjoying the scenery around me. The trees were beautifully green and along the path were flowers, I could see ahead of me were some weeds, like tumble weeds and I remember wondering how I was going to get around them because they were completely covering my path. I tried to run straight through them but they were so thick, and the thorns were cutting my legs up, next thing I knew the tumble weeds were starting to disappear and the path was clear again. I continued to run, back on pace the sky as blue and wonderful as I had ever seen it before, up ahead was the biggest mountain and again I wondered if I could make it without being pushed from behind., as I started to conquer the hill tears began to run down my face, it could feel the pain and wanted to give up, my legs were burning and mind started to say "you can't do this" just when I thought I couldn't do it I woke up. I was so mad, I tried to go back to sleep but could not get the dream back. Until last night,,,,, I was at the top of that mountain looking down, knowing and appreciating where I have been but looking ahead KNOWING the road is still long and hard but I continued to run. The feeling on this night was as if I was in a race, so I stepped up my pace and smiled at the road ahead of me. I cannot see the finish line but know if I continue on the pace I'm at I will finish, I say to myself "it's not how you start the race, it's how you finish it" this is my famous saying I give to all my kids when they are facing something hard in their life. I wake up.
Tonight as I ponder this dream it means so much to me. I know I am not at the top of the mountain yet I am still fighting the VILLAIN but this is "my marathon" there have been tumbleweeds along the way, and I've kicked them to the curb with the help of prayers and fasting from so many people, right now I am on the uphill with the Lord picking me up and carrying me on those days when I think I cannot finish. I know when I finish this race my family will be at the finish line cheering me on, along with so many good friends, old and new.