Wednesday, November 3, 2010


It's 2:21 am and I cannot sleep. Last night my legs were in so much pain it was penetrating all the way to my bones, I could not keep my legs still, Eric asked me what was wrong and I told him my legs have not ached like this since chemo, and the headaches are back, but I'm grateful that the horrible pain I have been feeling in my breasts for over a year is now gone, and this takes the thoughts of wanting to rip my bra off away .... ha ha I almost forgot I had one on.

I seriously hate nights like this, my mind gets occupied with thoughts of recurrence, I KNOW I'm strong but right now if I was told that the evil VILLAIN has come back I'm not sure I have it in me to fight again. My thoughts are going to my younger years as a teenager, when I constantly had a prayer in my heart, when I promised the Lord that if he got me out of this situation of abuse and neglect, I would be good, I would obey the rules and give my all to HIM. I knew without a doubt the eyes of God were watching over me. This morning I want to go back to that place I once knew, I don't want to be in the dark, my mind is playing games with me, I wonder if I have done all I can to be a good servant, have I kept my promises? I go into Blakes room and sit on his bed hoping for some inspiration, maybe I will put on one of his shirts, I take one out of the closet and smell it hoping to get a wiff of him but there is nothing, it's been too long now. I put on the shirt, then kneel down next to his bed and thank Heavenly Father for my family, for my life and for what he has taught me, then ask what it is that I am supposed to be learning right now? I ask what else I can do to become a little more like HIM, have I blown all my chances to redeem myself ? I plead with the Lord to help me feel his spirit, tonight my heart is heavy with burden and I need to know HE is here. I just want to know that HE is still aware of me, that he still remembers me. Help me to know HIS will for me. Then I listen ........... I listen for a very long time .......... the answers come, BE STILL MY SOUL THE LORD IS ON YOUR SIDE , peace is in my soul now, I know HE has not forgotten me and that HE is aware of my needs and my prayers are NOT going un-heard. I know HE lives, HE lives in each of us and wants to lift burdens, grief and pain. When the waves and winds of life come, HE will not leave us alone, I know this to be true, but sometimes we have to ask and then most important wait and listen for the answers to come. I love that even a restless soul like myself can find some relief in the dark of night or the light of the day, JUST ASK. I'm so grateful this morning for the knowledge of prayer in my life. It's now 4:51 am, maybe I can get some sleep.... cross your fingers.


Trystan said...

I love you, Monya!

Wendi said...

Thank you so much

Anonymous said...

Dear Monya,
I am so sorry about the intense pain that wouldn't allow you to sleep and your mind to race! I have those nights and they are awful.
I am so glad that you prayed and that you found the peace you needed to reassure you. I remember as my life was coming unglued, that as I prayed I recieved peace. I didnt recieve instruction or confirmation, just peace. It really confounded me. I thought, 'why am I feeling peace as my family falls apart?' but I did. Althoug it took some time for me to understand, the LORD in his infinite wisdom, gave me the peace to carry on, and to make some VERY tough decisions.
Thank you again for sharing your restless night with us all. The part of going to Blakes room and smelling and putting on one of his shirts brings tears to my eyes. I know what that feels like to have a loved one so far away.
Ive known you for years and your history, and I am just sure that the Lord is watching over you today as he was in the past, and I am sure that your are regarded as a valiant diciple!
Love to you as always

Anonymous said...

I'm in Hawaii on a dental convention all week but I know the exact spot I can go to get just enough signal to check your blog. (no, I don't have a cool phone like the rest of you where I have internet at my fingertips~ha)
I, too, cried at the thought of you going in Blake's room. You are the sweetest, loving mother. Blake will be home before you know it!
I miss you and love you Moaners.

Anonymous said...

Your courage inspires, Monya.