What is Normal?

So the other day I was having a conversation with my son Blake-- I asked him how he was doing, and if he felt like he was adjusting to being back home--his reply was "mom, I feel like I'm getting back to normal again" I then asked him "what is normal son?"  then we had a long conversation about being normal.  My thoughts are still on that conversation.  I told him that our normals continually should be changing.   Two and a half years ago my normal was certainly different than they are now, I was worried about children, getting up going to work, worrying about children, making dinner every night, worrying about children, cleaning house, training for a marathon, worrying about children.  Then Blake surprised us with deciding on a mission, Kaitlyn got engaged, Kayla was pregnant with our first grandchild and I found out I had breast cancer--WOW did my normal change in a heartbeat.  Everything I thought was "NORMAL" was put on a back burner--now my normal was how can I do this? every thought that occupied my thoughts were -- worrying about Blake, worrying about the wedding, worrying about Kayla and Jeremy having a baby in the middle of all this, Haleigh having her senior year of HighSchool with her mom going through cancer, and Eric, my sweet husband having to see me go through hell, how could I ever allow him to see my mangled body again? how could I let him see me bald and sick? and more important than all I worried he would worry too much about me.... I needed everything to just go back to "normal"  Soon my normal became trips to Mayo Clinic on a regular basis, no exercising, certainly forgetting about my marathon running, missing my son terribly and worrying that he would be strong enough to make it 2 years without his family, I constantly worried about Haleigh and Eric.  Throwing up, losing weight, taking drugs and seeing oncologists were now my normal.  Soon my normal became kneeling and praying morning, day and night, begging pleading with the Lord to help me understand this new normal I was experiencing.  Educating myself about breast cancer was something I never thought I would be doing,  especially not for myself and now it was another normal for me.
The point to all of this is, our "normal's" change constantly in our life.  I was not prepared for my "normal" to change, but it taught me to understand that I am not in charge.  I learned to appreciate change, to figure out who I am and what I consider to be the most important, to live life to the fullest everyday living as if it were my last because things change constantly and without change we don't progress and grow.
One of the most important lessons I have learned during this journey called LIFE is the Lord is in control HE knows the beginning, middle and end HE loves me, and that when I listen for answers they always come, maybe not today or tomorrow but they always come.

It's all about timing.

My visit with the doctor on Wednesday has so far paid off in the sleep catagory, the past 2 nights I have slept really well, but I don't want to rely on drugs to help me sleep again, that was a nightmare to get myself off of those.... however last night I dreamed of running again, my son in law Brian was my trainer (hee hee) and I have to say in my dream he was a good trainer and pushed me hard, running bleachers he was a meanie !!! Funny that I dream of running again, I always hate starting anything ... a diet, working, cleaning, and a new workout. I was training for a marathon when I was diagnosed, a life long dream of mine to run a marathon and I had planned it for October of 2009. When that day came and went I mourned it, I had worked so hard and felt like for once in my life I was going to finish something I started. Now I can think of it again, my plan is to run in October of 2011, my son Blake will be home from his mission and he asked me to not run it until he gets home, it's perfect timing I won't be ready until then anyway. I'm hoping to be able to start running again in January, if all goes well with my next surgery and recovery it should be the perfect time, anyone want to join me?
The good Lord has a way of making my mournings and difficult times work themselves out, its all about timing. I will run that marathon, and when I finish it's going to be a milestone for me, extremely emotional and a step forward in my new way of life. I won't let the VILLAIN get the best of my dreams, I have too many things to do.

Marathon Dreams

I was thinking as I watched Brothers and Sisters with my daughter the other day, I wish my life was like this TV show. One of the girls on the show found out 2 months ago she has cancer, she has already gone through chemo, lost all her hair, radiation and is now running for a Senate spot, oh yeah and her hair is back ............. wait what??????? I wish it was that easy and fast !!!! Actually I take that back I am glad my life is real, I have to feel something, I have to learn something, and HOLLYWOOD is not where I want to learn it.
The last 2 nights I woke up from dreams of me running, it felt so good. I know to some that would be a nightmare, ha ha but I am so determined to fight this VILLAIN and be able to exercise again. During this dream I was not in a race I was just running in a park, happy with all my hair in a ponytail, I was keeping up pace and enjoying the scenery around me. The trees were beautifully green and along the path were flowers, I could see ahead of me were some weeds, like tumble weeds and I remember wondering how I was going to get around them because they were completely covering my path. I tried to run straight through them but they were so thick, and the thorns were cutting my legs up, next thing I knew the tumble weeds were starting to disappear and the path was clear again. I continued to run, back on pace the sky as blue and wonderful as I had ever seen it before, up ahead was the biggest mountain and again I wondered if I could make it without being pushed from behind., as I started to conquer the hill tears began to run down my face, it could feel the pain and wanted to give up, my legs were burning and mind started to say "you can't do this" just when I thought I couldn't do it I woke up. I was so mad, I tried to go back to sleep but could not get the dream back. Until last night,,,,, I was at the top of that mountain looking down, knowing and appreciating where I have been but looking ahead KNOWING the road is still long and hard but I continued to run. The feeling on this night was as if I was in a race, so I stepped up my pace and smiled at the road ahead of me. I cannot see the finish line but know if I continue on the pace I'm at I will finish, I say to myself "it's not how you start the race, it's how you finish it" this is my famous saying I give to all my kids when they are facing something hard in their life. I wake up.
Tonight as I ponder this dream it means so much to me. I know I am not at the top of the mountain yet I am still fighting the VILLAIN but this is "my marathon" there have been tumbleweeds along the way, and I've kicked them to the curb with the help of prayers and fasting from so many people, right now I am on the uphill with the Lord picking me up and carrying me on those days when I think I cannot finish. I know when I finish this race my family will be at the finish line cheering me on, along with so many good friends, old and new.

Getting Some Fresh Air

I have not blogged in a few days so I decided to get updated today. Part of the side effects of chemo is DEPRESSION, I have really been feeling down the past few weeks, not sure if it's the medicines, Christmas Season, children being away or the chemo, I finally found out from my oncologist it is a side effect and the best thing for me to do is get away from my house for a few days. As I have mentioned before Eric and I decided along time ago to take time once a month for ourselves, away from the worries of the world, away from the MAYO, away from the constant smell of the VILLAIN. We took a little trip Tuesday and Wednesday and just got away from it all. The obvious spot for us is to go to our condo in Mexico, its close and its free. The weather was beautiful in the 70's, Eric was able to golf with Tom Scheurn while Tamy and I decided to walk on the beach for as long a walk as I could, not only did I walk on the beach I took off my hat and walked, just me and my bald head. It was good therapy for me, and I got some vitamin D. I walked the path that I normally would run, I imagined myself taking off running, sweating, dodging a few sand traps, then when we hit the smooth sand I told Tamy "this is the best sand to run on". The next day when I took the walk by myself I was thinking about my life, a few tears fell from my eyes as I thought about the sand and the run, In the beginning of 2009 I was training for a 1/2 marathon, Kayla and Jeremy announced they were having a baby, Kaitlyn and Brian announced their engagement, and Blake got his mission call, everything was going smooth and we felt like nothing could get in the way of our success or strength as a family, then when we hit the VILLAIN sand trap everything changed, nothing was smooth anymore. WOW did I it a sand trap, one that is difficult to get out of. The thing is about taking journeys, usually you start a journey with excitement and anticipation looking forward to the new adventure, we get prepared by reading all we can about where it is we are going, we prepare with the proper clothing taking care of packing and schedules. On a spiritual journey it often begins the same way, anticipation and wonderment, we go forward with faith, hoping the Lord is going to teach us along the way. I continue to learn every step of this journey, I am finding out how far I can be stretched spiritually, physically and mentally.

Marathon

Tonight I went to my cycling class that I have been going to every Monday night for a long time. I could hardly make it through, I felt so exhausted. Usually I take two hours of cycling on Monday night and 1/2 hour of weights but tonight I could hardly make it through the 1st class. I am sad to think that I will have to slow down and not be as active as I usually am, I think the cancer will slow me down. I have always been extremely active, running, cycling, weights, kickboxing and step. One of my goals in life is to run a marathon, I decided that 2010 would be the year, and November I was going to run my first 1/2 marathon. I was so looking forward to running and had just started to train for it. Will I ever be able to achieve that goal? I hope so, some day.
Also today I allowed myself to cry a little bit, my mind began to wonder off a little. I have always thought that Eric would be the one who would get sick or need my help, so I have always kept myself in pretty good health, eating right and exercising, knowing that I would need my strength to help him someday. Now as I face this new trial of mine, I wonder if the Lord is trying to teach me to rely on others, especially my husband. Eric loves me so much and wants to be the "fixer" I love that he has taken over and been pro-active in finding the best treatment for me.
Tomorrow we go to the Mayo Clinic and I am a little nervous, Eric will be there with me, I told him tonight that the waiting is the hardest part, I am ready to get going and move forward to get this black cloud out of my body.
To everyone who leaves me a comment or sends me a note on face book or an email, you have no idea what those mean to me. I have put them in a file so that I can go back and read them, I love them, I treasure them actually. My friends and family is what will get me through this with some dignity. Thank you so much, please continue to let me know how you are feeling, I need to hear from you.