Tuesday, November 30, 2010
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Monday, November 29, 2010
I'm ready for my 2nd appointment, I notice I have labs and want to get the numbing cream on my PORT and mentally prepare myself for stepping off of the elevator onto the 3rd floor, breast clinic, and chemo lab. I don't want to smell it today, I don't want to see the people waiting, and I don't want to sit in those all too familiar reclining chairs---WAIT looking at my itinerary I see that they have scheduled me for labs on the lower level, I have never been there before. I go check it out, I step off the elevator...no smell, lots of people, and they called me back quickly with no reclining chairs, this time the blood is coming out of my arm instead of my PORT?? The lady had to stick me several times to get a good vein, I was upset because I know my veins are iffy .... this is why I have a PORT, so I won't have to get my veins collapsed. When I left there I felt as if I had been given a tender mercy though, I didn't have to go to the 3rd floor at all today. My last appointment was on the concourse level.... yay no anxiety today, no smells, no anxiety, no smells, no anxiety do you see me dancing? I'm doing the dance right now, arms in the air, smile on the face. Thanks to my sweet Angel Trys for calling and walking me through part of Mayo today. I Love You.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Today is Thanksgiving 2010. I have so much to be Thankful for, we all have so much to be Thankful for. As I prepared the meal, I could not stop thinking about Ray Williams/. Dad,/ Grandad/ We all loved him so much and Thanksgiving was a fun time with him, he loved to eat and enjoy his family. I always called him earlier in the week of Thanksgiving and would take his "PIE ORDER" he would always ask for Pecan, but loved anything I made, in fact he would take a sliver of each PIE and try them all, oh how his eyes would light up. This year we have so much food left over, I wish he was here to take some home with him like he always did. I love him and think of him often, always with a smile on his face, a pass along card in his pocket, and a hug for anyone and everyone, what I would give for one of his hugs today.
I believe there ARE angels among us, some who touch our lives by their example of strength, compassion and FAITH, some who have already passed on and frequent our lives with their spirit every once in awhile.
Tamy was an angel who took me to every one of my chemo appointments then back the next day for my "day after shot of neulasta" I will eternally be grateful for her example of compassion and serivce. Eric is my eternal angel, he has saved me more times than I can mention. The angels who brought dinner to my family for months and months will never know how much that meant to me, those angels are still helping us out. The silent angels who serve are the ones who amaze me, how is it that our lives can be blessed by those who choose to be invisible? It's that feeling of service I want my children to understand. I have angels who leave me messages of HOPE with cards, letters and comments on my blog. I can't help but think that all of the angels that touch our lives are not random, they are placed in our path by the Lord for a reason, it's up to us to recognize it and be in tune enough to feel it. It makes me wonder how many times I have NOT been in tune, been caught up in too many worldly "things" and not acknowledged the many other angels who have tried to embrace me.
Some angels are strangers to us, you know the lady who smiles at you on a day when you really really needed it, some of the most influential angels in my life I have never even met, yet I know the connection is eternal. Opening up my circle of comfort and allowing others to bless my life with what they know has not been as difficult as I thought it would be, my life is richly blessed. Hopefully in my life time I can give back and be an angel to someone in need.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving with the Zone
That is disgusting son
Gettin' the Turkey's ready
Blake and Shelley
Hand in mouth
Flippin the french toast
French Toast for Breakfast
Popcorn and Papaya Juice (the best juice in the world)
Well this week has been pretty good besides the fact that we didnt have any investigadores at church but it was good Hermano Santana went to church he is a stud i love that guy so much he was telling us how he wants only the best for his family and especially for his son Junior who also is lessactive he told him that he wants him to come back to church and wants him to blessed i felt soo happy he is awsome, i ordered this picture of the Temple in Santo Domingo and i am going to try and frame it and and give ot to them for Christmas cuz i would love to see them get sealed as a family and go to the temple so they can really enjoy all the blessings the Lord has waiting for them............we have this one investigator that is a segurity gaurd and said that after we had an appointment with him all of his problems were sold and that he really believes tthat he needs to follow this path in his life he said to us Adios Jahova Witnesses, Adios Catolicos, Adios whatever religion isnt the mormons. cuz I AM GOING WITH THE MORMONS haha (adios means Bye) haha but it was really cool and awsome i really hope that he is willing to change and to start going to church everyweek, he has only gone one time but we will see this week how it goes....
but as for thanksgiving it was awsome we took our PDAY today on Thanksgiving so that our whole zone (28missionaries) could do a huge feast and cook, it was awsoome all the sister misisonaries cooked well a few of us helped but they did about everything and it was as if i was in my backyard with all of my family but MOM cooks a lot better the only thing that we didnt have was pies and yams but it was actually really really good and cant wait to eat some more of it cuz there was a lot of leftovers and since we live the closest to the chapel we got to bring all of the food to our house haha
Friday, November 19, 2010
Several times in the past month I have dreamed of Heaven, and in Heaven I am with Eric's mom Viola. I have been hesitating blogging about this because it's special to me, so I will journal as much as I feel comfortable sharing. I loved Vi, she was and is the most compassionate woman I have ever met. I really hate that my kids did not get to meet her or have her in their earthly lives. I have told them stories about her but it's just not the same. I loved her with all my heart, and told Eric just today how much I miss her, she passed away 25 years ago of breast cancer.
Heaven is beautiful, when I pass through the veil from earth to heaven, Vi is standing there with her arms open (like always) ready to hug me. Her eyes are piercing, a blue that I will never forget, she's perfect in every way, her cheeks are rosy, she is wearing all white with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. Our embrace is soft and tender. I'm not quite sure if its this place that is so beautiful, or if it's the peaceful feeling I feel that is beautiful. I can't describe it. We sat under a tree, she asked me about Eric, if he was progressing in his life. The entire time she is smiling (I always loved her big smile) she takes my hands and looks at them, really stares at them then with tears in her eyes she looks at me and says "these are the hands that protected, hugged and watched over my grandchildren, these are the hands that comforted my son, and these are the hands that have served others" EricI wakes me... oh that made me mad, I wanted to sit with her forever it was so real. I quickly record everything so I will not forget. Within the next week I have the exact same dream only it takes me a little further on the heavenly journey.
Vi, tells me how much she loves me and how grateful she is that I married her son. She asks me about each one of my children. We laughed as I share experiences with her from the life of each one of my children. I remember telling her that motherhood is the best and most rewarding earthly experience I have ever had, I love being a mom. I tell her how Kayla has her smile, Blake has her incredible love for the outdoors, Kaitlyn has her spunk and laughter, and Haleigh has her heart. She and I walk and talk for what seems like hours, the things she shares with me are sacred and I have them recorded in another journal, but the feelings were incredible.... I wake up and again a few weeks later I have another dream
this time we are standing in a huge garden, the most beautiful garden I have ever seen, the greenery is stunning. She walks through the garden showing me everything as if this is her job here in Heaven to over see the garden. I am looking everywhere for Ray (Eric's dad) I want to get a hug from him too, but he is not anywhere to be found. She then explains to me that this will be our last meeting, I get tears in my eyes I don't want this to end. She asks me if I have done all I can do on earth to be the best I can be, have I forgiven those who have hurt me, have I served others enough, and the the question that stuck with me the most was do I unconditionally love everyone I cone in contact with? I don't remember answering her, but I do remember her saying "your time on earth is not yet finished" we hugged the best hug ever I said " I Love You" then I was awake.
I'm not sure if this is truly what Heaven will be like but I do know that the feeling of peace and serenity I felt there were incomparable to anything I have ever experienced here on earth. Having those feelings really made me not want to be anywhere else but there. I miss Vi so much, when I think about the example she was to her children it makes me so grateful to be a part of her family, her eternal family. I wanted so badly to talk to her about Breast Cancer ....but I guess it was not what I was there for, and in the whole eternal scheme of things I think that subject was not appropriate. It was so nice to see her in NO PAIN and in perfect form. I realize that this was just a dream but it felt so real and for those moments when I too had no pain and no worries it was HEAVENLY.
I received this from Blake on Wednesday. What a sweet boy he is, and oh how I miss him only 10 months left.
Mom and Dad, every time I read this it makes me think of you and the girls, I love you so much, never forget that.
If I knew this would be the last time I would watch you sleep,
I would hug you tighter. I would plead with the Lord to protect you.
If I knew this would be the last time I saw you walk out the door,
I would hug and kiss you and call you back to hug and kiss you one more time.
If I knew this would be the last time I would hear your voice in prayer,
I would record every gesture, every look, every smile, every one of your words,
So that I could listen to it later, day after day.
If I knew this would be the last time,
I would spend an extra minute or two to tell you, "I love you," instead of assuming you already knew it.
If I knew this would be our last time, our last moment,
I would be by your side, spending the day with you instead of thinking,
"Well, I'm sure other opportunities will come, so I can let this day go by."
Of course there will be a day to revise things,
And we would have a second chance to do things right.
Oh, of course there will be another day for us to say, "I love you."
And certainly there will be another chance to tell each other, "Can I help with anything?"
But in my case, there isn't one!
I don't have you here with me, and today is the last day we have—our farewell.
Therefore I would like to say how much I love you,
And I hope you never forget it.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old.
Today might be your last chance to hold tight to the hand of the one you love and show all you feel.
If you are waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today?
Because if tomorrow never comes, you certainly will regret for the rest of your life
Not having spent some extra time for a smile, a conversation, a hug, a kiss,
Because you were too busy to give that person what ended up being their last wish.
Then hug tight today the one you love, your friends, your family, and whisper in their ears how much you love them and want them close to you.
Use your time to say,
"That was nothing,"
"It's all right,"
Because if tomorrow never comes, you will not have to regret today.
The past doesn't come back, and the future might not come!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Even with no hair, he loved me ♥
This was my hair just a few months before diagnosis
A year ago this week I started my 1st round of chemo therapy. I don't look back on that with fondness, but I am so grateful for the people in my life who love me and helped me through it. It's amazing what one year can do, the top picture was taken in December last year, and now I have some hair, in fact I have enough hair to shampoo .... I even have enough hair to blow in the wind, and now Recker can pull my hair, never thought I would be grateful for that.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
from left to right ♥ Dr. George Lawson ♥ The beautiful Heather Lucas ♥ ME and ♥Dr. PK♥ are they cute or what?
Boy going to the Mayo is an all day adventure, I had 3 appointments today. I hated going into the infusion wing today. the smell disgusts me, but I was very proud of myself I did not have a panic attack today. When I walked in there were 4 people getting infusions, chemo or something else it made me sad to see them there with no-one but nurses, I remember when I 1st met Dr. Northfelt he told me how lucky I was to have Tamy go with me to my chemo appointments. It made me want to go up to each one of those people today and hug them or sit with them, my heart broke watching each of them. I am so grateful to Tamy for not only being so sweet and patient with me but I still can't believe the time that she took out of her day every other week for months to pick me up and drive me to chemo, I have to say we usually had all the nurses laughing though, never a dull moment with Tamy.
OK so I got to see my favorite doctor of all time today, Dr. Peter Kreymerman.... I love him....but before I talk about him I want to introduce you to Dr. George Lawson (aka Doogie Houser) I blogged last week about going to see Dr. PK but I did not post it and kept it as a draft for my personal journal. The reason is because Dr. Kreymerman and his wife had their baby and I didn't know if he would appreciate me posting pictures of his new baby with her name birthday and weight. I will say she is one of the most beautiful baby girls I have EVER seen. So this is what happened, last week I was sitting for a lot longer than usual waiting for Dr. PK to come in, but instead this other cute Doctor walked in, he looked like he was 12 years old, he introduced himself as
Dr. Lawson, and explained about the baby being born and Dr. Pk was not in the office, then he wanted to examine me .... remember I am thinking this kid can't be more than 12 years old well maybe 21, and he wants to look at my boobs? He was actually very professional and I liked him, just weird not having PK there.
So today, I'm waiting for Doctor Kreymerman to come in... the door opens and it's Doogie Houser again, he is really cute, I got brave and finally asked him how old he was... all I will say is that he is not 12 or 21. I love all these young doctors who take time with their patients, I know if I needed to talk to Doctor Kreymerman I could take the time I needed and he would never make me feel rushed, this is part of what makes him such a great Doctor I hope he never changes that part of who he is. I can tell that Doctor George Lawson is going to be a great doctor too, how could he not working with Dr. Peter Kreymerman?
Doctor Kreymerman came in to visit and examine me ..... no doctor that I have ever had in my lifetime is like Dr. Kreymerman. I am going to miss him when he leaves for his fellowship in Atlanta, and when I am no longer his patient. He is a daddy now, and just as any proud daddy should he pulled out the pictures, oh my gosh I couldn't stop looking at her she is absolutely beautiful, so is his wife though. Not that PK isn't cute and all but his wife and baby are gorgeous, he is a very lucky man, and I love that he acknowledges the beauty of his wife and daughter.
I will be having another surgery on Dec 9th, I love my dates with Dr. Peter Kreymerman have I told you that he is my favorite doctor? ha ha And today he went even higher on my list of awesomeness..... he told me I could take the BRA off .... just another reason to love a doctor ...one that tells you "you don't ever need to wear a BRA again" you gotta love that
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
This morning as I looked at my body in mirror, a tear ran down my cheek, I know I have said it before but I am so grateful,
Dr.Peter Kreymerman is the best doctor in the world, my breasts look normal, yes there are scars but those scars represent so much more than a scalpel to the skin. They represent my battle wounds, I have said so many times in posts that I don't ever want to forget, those scars will never allow me to forget.
It made me think about the words to Mindy Gledhhill's song "All About Your Heart" ... this is what I imagine Heavenly Father will say to me and to others who have physical scars from life's wounds....
"I've loved you from the start
in every single way, and more each passing day.
You are brighter than the stars, believe me when I say
it's not about your scars, it's all about your heart"
I believe that our Heavenly Father sees us so differently then we see ourselves, and if we could see ourselves through his eyes we would weep and be humbled at his UN-conditional love for us.
I hope this will not offend anyone, I will warn you if you click on the link it is GRAPHIC, but it is a real artists talent at showing the beauty of women who go through breast cancer. I did some research on the Artist he only photographs women who are ages 18-35. All of the women have had either a lumpectomy, single or double mastectomy.
click on the link below and it will take you to the website.
click here to view the SCAR PROJECT
Monday, November 15, 2010
My life has been overloaded with heartache and let downs but through it all I know that I am the Luckiest girl. Through those stumbles and falls, I have learned so much about who I am, and what kind of woman I want to be. I'm still learning to adjust to my "NEW LIFE" I cannot deny the physical pain, or the times in my life when I have felt alone in those trials, but I also can never deny the lessons I've learned, and the spirit I have felt, the Lord has answered many of my prayers, not always in a way that I thought they should of been answered, but still I sure am a lucky girl, the luckiest to find some peace of mind and some HOPE in a world that at times has felt overwhelmingly depressing. The last couple of months have been the happiest I have felt in a very long time. There are angels who come into our lives, not by chance, they are put in our lives by our dear Heavenly Father who loves us and wants us to be happy. It's been difficult sometimes at the end of long days, feeling empty and just wanting an angel to take me away from it all, lucky for me that angel happens to be on this earth. She was an answer to more than one prayer, I have felt the arms of that angel around me, on those endless nights when no pain medicine can take it away I have felt comfort in her words, and I thank the Lord for her everyday. I always have wondered if you could have a connection with someone you have never actually met, The answer is YES, heart to heart, and soul to soul we can be touched, I am so glad I was in a position in my life to feel that overwhelming confirmation.
Whenever I have doubts in life, I trust that God is in control, he brought Trystan in my life, he is watching over me and her. Yes, I am the luckiest, there is not much that I actually KNOW without a doubt, but this I know for sure I lived with HIM before I cam to earth, and I knew Trystan before I came to earth, we were "reconnected" (as Kate says) I often think "what good are tests in life, if we already know the answers?" some things in life take FAITH, and whenever I am doubting myself or my situation, I just hold on to the fact that I KNOW ALL prayers are heard and answered. I need to acknowledge more the Tender Mercies of the Lord, sometimes they are so subtle but if I am listening I can see and feel them. Slow down, walk by faith, and listen to the whispers of the spirit, HE WILL BLESS your life.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
I'm obsessed with people and their reactions in certain situations...... I know I'm weird ....... I've said it before I'm a people watcher, some may even put me in the category of stalker, I have always wondered what makes people do the things they do. Today I was driving to meet up with my daughter, I was sitting at a light and looking in my rear view mirror when the light changed and it took me a few seconds to get going the lady in the car behind me threw her hands up in the air, she was so upset that I had wasted those precious seconds of her life, then when she hurried around me she waved her middle finger at me and yelled something out the window.... I just smiled and continued on my way. I understand when life's challenges get us down or when we have a bad day, but seriously is it necessary to treat others with anger? It's not pretty, it's actually very ugly to see. Tonight I was at the grocery store checking out and I noticed the woman behind me was upset because she did not have a bar to divide my items from hers, I just watched her as she stewed and worried about it, after all my groceries were added up I swiped my card, and the lady yelled and I mean yelled at the teller helping me "hey" pointing to one of my items that accidentally got mingled in with hers "that is not mine, that is hers" I could tell the young guy was embarrassed, I told him "no big deal I will just pay cash for it" and he smiled and said "thanks, and I'm sorry that happened" when he gave me my change back I was trying to put it in my wallet and the lady was pushing her cart against my backside, trying to get me to move faster. Seriously? Can't we all just be nice? I love people watching, and I learn from others what I don't want to be like.
Friday, November 12, 2010
I never thought this day would come, I need a haircut, or style or something. I get asked all the time if I am going to let it grow out as long as it was before ........ my answer is always "Yes" I love long hair, but people are constantly telling me I should keep it short.... they're probably right I'm getting too old to have long hair, however, putting OLD AGE aside It's a control thing with me, I want to show the VILLAIN who's boss. I love the curls my hair has now, all my life I wanted curly hair, but it was straight as a board, someone told me the other day she always had curly hair and wanted straight hair.... we are never happy are we? ha ha
I have not had a hair appointment with Kara for almost a year now, and I hate to say it but the last hair appointment I had with her was full of tears, this appointment will be a rejoicing of sorts... This appointment was fun, we visited like always, laughed like always, and solved all the world problems like always..... No tears today .... I can't do much with my hair yet, but it felt good to sit in her chair again, I felt like a normal busy woman just stopping in for a hair trim and highlight.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
This morning Eric and I woke up early, I mean really early .... 3:10 am got ready and drove to Eagar for my Aunt Naydines funeral. Eric always does all the driving, I seriously hate driving If I could of flown I would of. Eagar is 4 hours from our home and in the cool pines of Arizona. Eric woke me up at one point to show me all the huge Elk just leisurely walking on the side of the road, then he woke me up to show me the temperature outside was 14 degrees .... wholly cow it was cold.
We spent most of our day in the car, in fact we were in the car for more hours than we were at the funeral. On our road trip, I reminded Eric that today 24 years ago my brother Lance passed away, he was 15 years old. I remember that night like it happened yesterday. I blamed myself for a long time, why didn't I get him to the hospital , why didn't I know he was that sick? I have worked through those issues, I still miss him and wonder what type of man he would of been, who he would of married and how many children he would of had. Not too many days go by that I don't think of him, he was a funny kid and also could be quite annoying, but I loved him and look forward to seeing him again.
Also on our road trip we talked about how beautiful the Aspen trees were, and how nice it was to be cold and wear coats, boots and layer our clothes. Our long trip included discussions on life, death, recurrence, medical marijuana, and my new friend Trystan. I love spending time with Eric and thanked him for driving me to the funeral, I know it was not exactly what he wanted to do today.
Tonight I am so tired, we came home so quickly after the funeral this morning because I had tickets to see Mindy Gledhill tonight. I have been looking forward to this night for along time, Kayla and my sister Sonya went with me. We had a great time, Mindy was so cute and entertaining, listening to the story behind each song made me appreciate each song even more. I have her music on my blog, if you have never heard of her listen to a few of her songs they are great. I go to bed tonight not only exhausted but grateful for so many blessings in my life right now.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
All the Elders helping out
Mormon Hands that Help
Blake and Daniel his companion
This weeks email from Blake he sent these pictures of the Mormon Hands that Help project clean up.
well this week has been really wet and we have been arriving at the house and houses of members soaking wet as if we jumped in a swimming pool ha but we have been trying hard, i finished the Book of Mormon (en spanish) this week and wow i have learned so much from that book and i really have been able to understand the things that i need to change in my life, but i started to read Doctrine and Covanents this last monday and now i am in seccion 21 i need to finish to seccion 30 by sunday, but the area is progressing a little by little the investigators we have are sweet but no one wants to assist the church on sundays so its hard they are really smart and we are really trying all that we can to help them understand and learn..........but this week it should be a lot better they say that its ot going to rain as much this week but who knows, we met the family of a baseball player Luis Pelonia, or where he lives its nuts hes got a Lion, yea a real lion in his house its soo crazy haha theres another one that lives right by us named Carlos Pena his house is sweet hes got a little basebal field at his house and like 15 cars of every kind haha.........but this week is going to be a lot more successful cuz there wont me as much rain and bad weather, i love you guys i will talk to you later
les quiero muchoo
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
In this month of Thanksgiving, I am thankful for these random things that come into my head ... ha ha
●cooler weather●green grass●blue skies●
●hugs from recker● emails from the DR●people who smile●
●mysti●clean fresh sheets●cute boots●open roads from utah to arizona●
●december 18th●haleigh●my body●hair●cute notes left on my bedroom door●
●grapefruit●AJ'S refillable cup●choices●good VT'S●LOVE●
●Dr Kreymerman●Heather Lucas his assistant●
●medicne that works●pumpkin pie●ERIC●doorbell ditchers who leave yummy stuff●testimony●kayla and Jeremy●music●
●people that inspire me●Blake●good books●google searches● cinnamon smells●answered prayers●warm fuzzier●Kaitlyn and Brian●Haleigh
●laughter●mayo clinic●tamy scheurn●mickey mouse●organic apple slices●going the extra mile●christmas movies●THANKSGIVING●
try to think in 2 minutes or less all the things you are thankful for.....I'm sure I forgot a few, and some of these are random huh?
Sunday, November 7, 2010
1st mom tries her hand at cutting hair
seriously ? both of you ?
Help me bonbon ..... PLEASE
Ok that's enough, both of you get off me
The pile of curls
My cute little grandson Recker got his 1st haircut tonight, I wanted to cry when they cut off his blonde curls.