Botox....seriously?

Yesterday I was at work sitting at my desk, a girl walked up to me and said in a whisper "where did you get your botox done on your forehead" I whispered back with a shhh and finger over my crooked mouth "are you kidding me? I don't have botox she said "then why doesn't your eyebrow move?" "Umm, because I have partial facial paralysis" she then said "Oh you were gone for awhile and I just assumed when I saw you that you must of had some  botox, or plastic surgery done" again I'm laughing inside, but I replied as I took of my reading glasses "look at me, I mean really look at me, does it look like I had plastic surgery? If this is the result of plastic surgery I got ripped off and jipped out"

Wednesday I had an appointment with Dr. Barr's at Mayo Clinic.  I was a little anxious to see him, and to see what his reaction to me would be.  I love him, and was worried he would be upset with me for going to Cleveland Clinic.  I couldn't of been more wrong, he came in with his big smile, arms out reached for a hug and said "as I live and breath, who is this beautiful patient?" Pleased as I could be I jumped up and hugged him back.  I told him I felt like I was HOME at Mayo Clinic, not that there was really anything I didn't like about Cleveland Clinic, but there is a reason Mayo comes in #1 every year with ratings from patients, and medical statistics.  I told him Dr. Haberkamp was great to work with, and that me leaving had nothing to do with him, it was more about the procedure the other doctor proposed at Mayo.  I was just jabbering, he shook his head and said "I was never upset or took it personal" even if that was not really how he felt, he was classy enough to make me believe him. He sat down on the chair in front of me and wanted to hear the whole Cleveland Clinic experience.  I also told him Dr. Haberkamp said he wanted us to tell Dr. Barr's his work on my ear was impeccable.
He examined my ear, and said everything looks good, but we will need to have MRI's a couple times a year on the head. Kathleen came in to visit with me, she is beautiful inside and out, and was so concerned about me, she embraced me as she left the examining room and said "I love you"

  My eye is still the biggest concern now, he agrees but I'm doing all I've been asked to do.  Cleveland Clinic is calling to schedule the next surgery, I told Erin (gastman's PA) I can't think about that right now.  That chapter needs to end, ironically enough I think it's just the beginning of the end.  This is so hard.

Today, Friday I had the privilege of seeing my oncologist Dr. Donald Northfelt.  I think for most cancer patients this is a bitter/sweet appointment to have.  I started to fret and worry last night, my mind has been so pre-occupied lately with all that has happened, I have not let my  brain think of today.  No panic attacks getting off the 3rd floor elevator today, that's progress. Maryann came in to see me, greeted me with a huge hug, we both had tears.  She is incredibly insightful, when I was in Cleveland she said a prayer with me over the phone.  We visited awhile, it felt warm and loving to be with "my" people again--I know both Mayo Clinic campus's like the back of my hand, but today being back was a feeling of reunion, rather than burden.  Anxiously waiting to see Dr. Northfelt, I am so grateful I listened to the spirit when I was led to him for my oncologist, I love him.  He went over my blood work and said it looks good right now.  For me, for right now, as in today, this is who I needed to see. Dr. Northfelt promised to be with me the entire journey and so far, he has, he gets it. Once he was done with his report and examination, he sat down looked at me, no words needed to be said, I could tell by looking in his eye's he could feel my burden was heavy. We talked a bit about the past few months, but didn't hover...we moved on to happier thoughts.  I told him about working with Nerium and how positive the atmosphere is for me.  I also explained to him about the Live Happy Movement trying to get more happiness in the world by spreading my own happy thoughts with others hoping they will also spread the word to BE HAPPY no matter what the circumstance. We had a great visit, I will never be able to articulate the feelings I have of HOPE just because he is who he is, not only a wonderful doctor but knowing he deals with people like me everyday, I always feel like I am his only patient, and that he loves me.

Scars are tattoos with better stories

My hair has been falling out in chunks, more and more everyday.  I made the decision to call Jenny
Boyton, she or her sister have been styling my hair for over 15 years.  Kara Ellingson, Jenny's sister cut my hair the 1st time, while I was going through chemo treatment. It was a tearful difficult thing to do.
 Today there were no tears, I'm grateful for the knowledge I have that my hair does not define who I am, where I am going and who I want to be.

And what about those dang scars, well they each have a story, and with those scars they give me a constant reminder of the road I have traveled, I'm moving forward. I wish I could get my smile back, and maybe I will, Dr. Haberkamp said possibly 30% which is much better than 0%.  Miracles happen everyday, and with a positive mental attitude, continuing to tell my lip to smile, or my eyebrow to move everyday it'll happen. I told that today to a random person who was asking me about my scar, her response was "I'm sorry dear, but I work with doctors all the time and if your doctor told you 30% improvement he was not wanting to hurt your feelings" I felt like saying "You mean he didn't want to hurt me like you just did?" Instead I handed her one of my Live Happy Magazines and said good-bye. She was a coo coo, as Jeff Olson says.

 Taking chances and staying strong and positive is what get me through days and helps me to embrace that day as one day closer to healing and not necessarily a physical healing, but I'm talking more about an inner healing of my soul and being happy with who I am.  I will endure 3 more surgeries within the year--something that most of you who read my blog know I said I will never do again.  Each time, I think "what if it does work this time, what example am I being to my children and grandchildren if I just give up? It's like giving up on them" Tonight I snuggled with Recker on my bed, every once in a while he would want to take a look at my scars on my ear, neck and head but the ones he loves to stare at are the ones on my ankle where they took the nerves to replace the dead one in my face.  I love to watch him when he does this, I always wonder what is he thinking?

 I've learned that the life I had planned  for myself may not be exactly what I expected, but I feel blessed that I have learned from this journey.  There have been times when I didn't want to get up and go, I had so much pain and fear of taking those steps forward.  I have  sleepless nights, where I pray He will just take it all away, but He never does. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a hard head and need to learn even more, or I haven't been listening, I mean listening with my heart not my ears....although sometimes that happens too.  ha ha

 So my smile is crooked and may never heal much more than it has.....let's just say that is true.....I am still extremely blessed with a happy life, a life that sometimes I don't understand but I would not change it for one dang minute.  My love for my family, for friends old and new have brought me finally to a place where I believe in myself, I believe in my self worth, I will not fall, or fail in a world that is so weak at times, I feel like I have to be strong.  We are living in a world with so many people who
"will not, or say I can't"  and what I mean by that  is that they don't take chances, they never stand up for what they believe in, they give up when things get tough. (I call them the followers) but if I can find those who want to stand up in this world of weakness, I will not change my values or attitude, chin up--Surrounding myself with those same types of people together we can make incredible changes in the world--it can be done.  I am one of those people who has a responsibility to help  others realize their potential for happiness, no matter what the circumstances. This does not mean I will not  have days when I am sad, or down, those are natural feelings we all have them.  If you have never experienced pain, how do you know what it feels like to be truly happy?

 I have mentally prepared myself for what is to come, the doctors have fully explained it all to me and made sure I understood, and I do.  None of this has to do with living a happy life, I take the opportunities everyday to spend alone time, read from good positive books, then I go out and put it to action.  I was so upset in the beginning, but have learned like I've said before, everything happens for a reason, and anything I have ever started has been hard in the beginning with each passing day I learn to listen with my heart, take the hard days allow myself to cry because I know that pain is so deep it will not be going away in one day.  I have learned how to deal with those days....during those stormy days, that's when it happens, when you least expect it, when you feel like it is never going to end, but then the clouds part, and the rainbows appear. I know when that happens it's OK because He has arrived to take it all away, His love slips through the darkness and I grab on hard to it as I walk with Him into the light, and realize tomorrow is a new day.....you are never a failure, I know for me I just have to remember I do have infinite worth, and start over the next day. Touch those scars, and remember where I've been and the legacy I'm trying to leave for my posterity.

Getting on my nerves

I am so grateful to all my friends and family who have tugged, pulled, pushed and prayed for me while I was at the Cleveland Clinic.  7 weeks I was away from my family, I missed my grandchildren so much.....my children too, but mostly Eric,  Recker and Ezra---they have  my heart.  There was no way Eric could be away from work for that long, and honestly I had no idea I would be there for so long, it took 2 weeks to get all the testing done, then another 2 weeks for all the surgeons to get there schedules  to coordinate, by the time all this was done I had a week left and made the decision to stay, I think I was so afraid of going home and not coming back.  Eric was able to be there for my surgery, I am so grateful to US Airways for offering to pay for his round trip, Eric would of never missed my surgery, he's been there for everyone of them and has been such a blessing in my life.  I have always said I work for the best company ever, US Airways.  My supervisor and manager are incredible people, with integrity and support for all who work for them. Thank you US Airways.
When I left for Cleveland Clinic I had a pic line in my arm and could not change the dressings on it nor was I able to do my own transfusions, that were needed to be done every 12 hours. For this reason I was blessed with Diana Lents to come with me, she gently took care of those things for me and having a nursing background was able to ask all the questions I didn't know to ask.  Her family is from Ohio and they were so gracious to allow me a stranger to stay in their home to save on hotel bills.

 

John and Angel 

I'm sure they were glad to see us leave, but still never was I uncomfortable or treated with such respect.  I will always be endured to them for their Christ like service in taking a stranger into their home. I miss them, Angel would always read me a scripture a day to help keep my hopes up, and my testimony of Jesus Christ alive--thank you Angel.  John, he is a true gentleman with unwavering love for his wife a true Angel in all rights of the word, and for his children and recently born twin grandchildren.  He is a full  on Yankees lover, but I won't hold that against him.  He kept his composure very well when I told him I didn't care for Derek Jeter.

Another angel who came to visit me was PK's mother, she is such a lovely woman and I was blessed to spend some time with her. I loved talking with her and could see that she has a sincere heart,
no wonder her son is my favorite doctor ever.

Evgenya Kreymerman

I cannot explain how happy I am to be home with my family, when Recker sees me he always makes sure he looks at my ankle where my stitches are, I was afraid he was going to pull on them but he doesn't he just stares at them and then stares at my face as if to say "I'm sorry bonbon"

This is where they took nerves from

 These little stinkers are getting on my nerves, excuse the pun. When I put any body weight on that foot an electrical shock shoots through my foot and up my leg. My foot and ankle are so swollen I can't elevate it, because when I do the electrical shocks are too much for me to handle.

Nurse Diana Lents--can't thank her enough.

 We could of hired any nurse to come with me, but I was blessed to have Diana and even more blessed to have her family welcome me into their home and care for me until I could go home.

best welcome home ever I love my family

Oh how I missed my family, no one can ever replace the love a family has for one another, and when one of those special spirits are gone for any length of time, we miss them deeply and gain a new appreciation for them, I'm so glad we are eternally bound to each other, I would not want it any other way. I love you Kayla, Jeremy, Recker, Ezra, Blake and Chloe, Kaitlyn and Brian, Haleigh and Scott.
Eric I saved for last, he has a sweetheart, not too many people get to see him the way  I do.  What a blessing it is to be married to someone who you never want to be without.

Dr. Haberkamp--so happy all the time

I feel my Savior's Love

 Rainbows, always show up when I need a sign from Heavenly Father
that he here's me.  They are magnificent to me.

Well, I'm here again the night before a major surgery hoping and praying this time I've been away from my family, will prove to be worth it.  Making decisions without Eric or the kids to help me has really been hard to do.  I feel like every hour I need to say a silent prayer to the Lord to bless me with a light, something that can feed my brain with knowledge.  Then I ask to help me be still enough, to hear what He is trying to teach me. 

 I know change, and fears of change, have been clearly on my mind.  I've been walking around with a patch on my right eye, I hope the drops I've put in it night and day along with the patch 22/7 was enough to not have to have a cornea transplant.  The time I've spent here alone has given me time to really reach down and ask some gut wrenching questions. One is, can I live a quality life with my face the way it is right now? Am I confident enough to live the rest of my life having people stare, to here children say to their parents "what is wrong with that ladies face, or eye?" I've had a few even ask me themselves, I just tell them I have a boo boo. 

These past 5 weeks in Cleveland I've gotten inner strength I never thought I had.  I wish I could understand His plan for me.  I've read my scriptures, and Preach My Gospel chapter 6, everyday trying to be lead to a place I need to be, asking and begging Him to teach me what I need to do, so that I can return and live with Him one day. I'm not sure how I'm doing in that area, this is just so darn hard. I know I need to hold on to everything I know to be true and not let go.  Those things I know are so precious to me and can never be taken from me. I've had many spiritual experiences since my 1st surgery at Mayo.  The Lord loves me enough to give me a glimpse into my future, it is beautiful, every time I wake up, I want to go back, but I'm always told "It's not your time, you must return and finish your journey" 

I received a text from a friend today, (I don't want to reveal her name she knows who she is) she said she had been thinking of me but didn't quite know the right words to say. She then said I hope you are able to get the answers your looking for, if it is the Lord's will.  When I read that part, I have not been able to get it off my mind....what is the Lord's will for me? Even I don't know the answer to that. She brought up the fact she has been the caregiver of 2 sons who have been struggling with health issues, she said something else that has stuck in my head...she said she would gladly take their pain on herself so these boys would not have to feel it.  This reminded me of the feelings our Heavenly Father must have when He sees his children struggling, He easily could take our pain away, but for some reason He never does, why is that?  I believe He wants us to learn to rely on Him fully, give Him all we have then sit back and have FAITH, have enough HOPE in Him to make miracles happen, or be strong enough to accept what is being presented to us, and find a way to live a happy life in whatever circumstances we are faced with.

I also received a text from my sweet Haleigh Bear:
H: "mom when are you coming home.?
M:"Good question, it all depends on how well the surgery goes. I'm praying it'll all go great so I can go home this weekend. I'm really scared.
H: We miss you so much, I pray for you every morning and night and I have faith that the surgery will go well. Don't be scared Heavenly Father is always looking over you, and dad will be there.
M; yes I'm looking forward to seeing him, this is the longest we have ever been away from each other.  He's the only one who knows how to calm me when I get those anxiety attacks while I'm waiting for surgery, I just don't want to ever feel that extreme pain from the nerve, ever again"

I wonder if I have kept my promises to Him.  When I was about 14 I promised the Lord if He would get me out of the situation I was in, I would promise to live a life of pure intent, I would share His

Gospel with others, I would study and share with others how to live a happy life, no matter what. I don't think these past 5 years is exactly what I had in mind.  When I look in the mirror, I don't see what He sees.  I know He see's the heart inside me, and He knows how much strength I have, He has shown me I can handle any trial that I face.  He's always been there right beside me, I know when I kneel down to pray to Him, He always answers back, it's not always the answer I want, or the timing is not always when I want it to be.  I truly believe in Miracles, and He is the only one who can make those happen.

Going into this surgery, I feel all alone, even though Eric is here, I feel like I am in a negotiation with the Lord for my life.  The anxiety I am feeling for this surgery is different from what I have felt with other surgeries.  I'm far away from home, and I just have to keep remembering no matter where I am, He is always there just one prayer away.  I feel like this road is getting longer and longer, harder and harder to maintain calm.  My heart is beating in my chest, I don't know if I can ask Him to take that away.  I realize my life is forever changed, and I will never be the same again, I hope I can be a better version of myself, even with my face disfigured, I know who I am, and I know the kind of person I want to be.  As a person who has witnessed what Heaven feels like, I cannot deny what I know to be true.  I know the Lord has a plan for me, I just need to figure out what that is.

Tonight as I lie down to sleep: I feel my Savior's love,  His gentleness enfolds me, and when I kneel to pray my heart is filled with peace, He knows I will follow Him, give all my life to Him,  I feel my Savior's love, the love He freely gives me.

Finally Surgery on the Calendar

Dr. Hamberkamp

This morning I had the opportunity to meet with Dr. Haberkamp for a pre-op appointment and to talk about all the drama yesterday.  He is such a nice man, always happy and most importantly optimistic about reconnecting those nerves in my face.  I guess time will tell, but I still love his positive outlook and optimism.  I truly believe in positive mental attitude, I have been working on my own body to try and get some results.  If I tell my body to do something for long enough I believe my brain will do it.  Sounds crazy, however, being positive and optimistic is better than the opposite, even if no results happen I will still be happy.  Why?  because I choose to be happy.

Dr. Haberkamp looked in my ear and could see some crystallization, which means it's healthy tissue, I have worked really hard to get some healthy tissue with Bacitracin and my $100 bottle of antibiotic. 

Essentially what he said is having the blood is OK, we don't want to lose too much blood and I can't afford to buy new clothes everyday, but it shows him that there is HOPE in the fact that tissue is alive.

Surgery is set for July 3rd.  To keep my ear from bleeding anymore the doctor put a coagulant in my ear, it will stay until surgery. It feels like slime, but I think this is the best my ear has looked in a long time.

That white is the coagulant

 I have labs and I'm assuming more appointments before my surgery, so I will be staying in Cleveland until then.  Counting my blessings today--so happy for too many things to count. 

Dr. McDreamy

Been there, done that....never again....

That little black area is where the source of blood came from

So much for that shirt, bra and undergarments

I felt every bit of that blood trickle down

Ambulance.....? REALLY...?? I wonder how much that will cost me/

I decided to venture out of my hotel and see if I could find some pants, I only brought one suitcase and have run out of clothes.  I thought by now I would of had surgery and been home with my family, so I didn't bring extra anything....really, you can believe it, I'm a woman and didn't pack heavy--my husband should be impressed.
I made it to a Macy's department store and was looking on the sales rack (Eric you would be proud)
Nothing there, but while I was standing there I heard something behind me hit the wall, I turned to look and it was a significant splatter of blood.  Immediately my ear was gushing bright red runny blood, down my neck, I felt a puddle forming in my undergarments but was afraid to look--I grabbed my ear, sure enough it was not stopping there was blood everywhere.  The sales associate took me to the bathroom, sat me on a chair the blood was still gushing out, the blood was saturating the wet towel and I could feel the blood going down my throat as I put my head back.
Macy's called 911...... I asked them not to, because I don't want to pay the bill for an ambulance when I can just drive to Cleveland Clinic.  As soon as the EMT's came and saw inside my ear, they decided for me, and soon I was being lifted up into an ambulance.  I had to tell the history of my ear issues over, and over and over today.  To top it all off when I arrived at the Cleveland Clinic they rolled me into the emergency area and was told to put me in room 13............."No I will not go in room 13, please don't take me in that room, I'll wait in the hallway, but do not take me in there"  wanting me to calm down the EMT asked me why I didn't want to be in that room, I said "I'ts not a good number, it's bad  and I need all the blessings I can get right now"  he laughed at me and rolled me into room 13......YIKES--Soon Diana and her sister who live here came into my room they waited with me until a doctor could come--An ENT came cleaned me up, and called for Dr. Haberkamp however he was deep into a surgery and would not be able to come.  We waited for one of his residents to come, finally he opened the curtain and said "Hello"  I couldn't resist it I replied "Did you have to be so dang cute?"
  he laughed, and as he walked closer I could see he had a hickey on his neck, again I couldn't resist it...."Um, you know I can see that hickey, you're not fooling anyone" he laughed and said "I'll have to talk to my wife about that"

By this time  it had stopped bleeding......this was so scary I had no idea an ear could bleed that much--Originally, the EMT told us he could see the blood seeping from the surgery plug Dr. Haberkamp had put in to cover the nerve. Dr. Cutie Pie said there was a small black area in the bowl are of my ear where the  the blood was coming from. He said since I was seeing my surgeon tomorrow, I could leave and Dr. Haberkamp would assess it tomorrow.   I was so relieved, it was very very scary to feel that amount of blood gushing from my ear and not know what to do.  I just held it, probably a lot like I did when I was a young child, I remember holding it when it hurt.  I thanked the doctor and said have a good day "Dr. McDreamy"  I think he was embarrassed but he smiled.

Besides a migraine, I felt fine when I left the hospital.  I just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep, I was exhausted.  I did my usual going to bed regimen, I was finally able to lye down and once again the blood started gushing. I remembered Dr. McDreamy told me if it started to bleed again to put some Afrin on a cotton ball and put pressure on it.  I did exactly what the doctor said, and voila' blood flow stopped.  I put some bacitracin on it, covered it with a cotton ball and band aid.....and off to sleep.

Smile with your eyes--

It's been almost 2 weeks I've been in Cleveland getting opinion after opinion.  I have finally found the surgeons I feel really good about.  The process they propose will  take a few more surgeries than I had anticipated and I really did have to place a lot of faith in my Heavenly Father to make decisions that are not only going to help the look of my face but also  the newest procedures in medical technology.  I asked all the right questions, most important, how many times have they performed this procedure.  The doctor I chose said he does this everyday, with 98.8% good result with patients.  I really liked him and he explained all the medical procedures in a way that I could understand, just like Dr. Kreymerman used to do. In fact I've spoken with PK several times about my procedures and doctors, he is fully confident I am in good hands here at the Cleveland Clinic.

I've spent most of my time in a hotel waiting for doctors to call--and you can believe every morning they get a call from me asking if anything has moved closer to a surgery date? Nothing yet.

Yesterday while I was at the Cleveland Cancer Center, I had a panic attack in the waiting area--I was not prepared for it at all.  I swift whiff of chemo threw me off--that smell is oh so familiar--there were a lot of sick people all around me--all I wanted to do was hug them, help them, talk to them,  laugh with them, spread some happiness with them--all these emotions raging through my body--I wanted to run, just run away as fast as I could--"Monya Williams" across the loud speaker shook me out of that odd place I was allowing myself to go.

Routine questions by the nurse--my legs were shaking I hate sitting still while I am have those panic attacks--it's literally impossible, but today I sat and stared out the window at the beautiful trees and floral, it's amazing how the Lord is always there when I need to be shaken up a little and brought back to reality--I can never deny how it makes me feel when I have these moments--I know He heals-I know His love is real-I've seen the truth revealed to me--I've felt the truth of His love---I'm proof of His unconditional love-- I've been praying and searching for answers, I know He has lead me with His hand and by the spirit to this Cleveland Clinic, but at times I'm lonely I wonder if I should be home helping my daughter with two small children, she is having surgery on Monday to have her tonsils taken out---I wish I could make time stand still sometimes--make everything in life perfect, just for a minute or two.  I could really use a batch of Recker and Ezra right now--if I could I would ask our Heavenly Father to let time stand still just for time enough to go to each and every person who has touched my life and spread happiness in my life--I have seen so many of my friends of all religious believes come together and unite as one, as we stand together our cause is greater than we will ever know--we are not just living in a weak world, we have so many around us that do know right from wrong and are strong in their convictions--I WILL always choose His way, in a world where there are so many who will not follow our Heavenly Father, I and many of my friends have made private commitments that we WILL stand for truth and righteousness.

Now it's time for me to meet a new doctor, another surgeon on my team who will be helping during the surgery--I really liked him, he was animated and excited as he gave me his run down of what he thought was best for my individual situation--half way through his explanation he lost me with his medical jargon I asked him to slow down and explain it in "blonde" terms.  He smiled and went over every option, he also typed it out and gave me a copy so I could process this. Basically this is what we discussed.  I have no function of the right ear, and have a large mastoid bowl with a fibrous base.

The ear is a major emergency that needs taken care of asap, however believe it or not my eye is the most important issue right now--I am in jeopardy of losing my cornea, and having to get a cornea transplant.  He is going to put a gold weight in the eye lid which will give the me ability to blink when my brain says it needs too, however there will be some training and re-hab on my part.

There is significant concern about the boney loss in the mastoids that have been removed, this  will need some level of bone resection.

All surgeons agree that if a good frontal nerve stump can be found then a sural nerve jump graft is necessary. In English--- if there is a good nerve they can use they will do a graft of nerve from one side of the face (left) to the right side.  It's best to not let this wait because of progressive osteomyletic changes.  If this is the case then they recommend a more simple reconstruction 1st, which most likely could be done with a SCM (google that) flap and skin graft.  If this fails I can get a radial artery free flap.  He explained all the risks, benefits and was able to answer all my questions.

He agrees with the other doctors involved this needs to be done asap, however trying to get this many doctors schedules in sync is difficult, all are willing to cancel a day on their clinic schedule but finding an OR for 12 hours is going to be hard.....and so I wait.  He seems to think it could be possible in the next couple weeks.  The symmetry of the mouth, and eyelid will be later, basically the surgery and healing will take over a year.  

My speech is difficult to understand, it's slurred on some pronunciations, I will have to learn to train my speech again....everyday I look in the mirror and I say in my head "move, I know you can do it, just move, to my eyelid" then again I do this with my mouth.  I try to eat on that side too, it is very difficult I want to work those muscles.  

One of the things I'm having a hard time dealing with is the looks I get from people, I understand why they look.  When I smile it is completely crooked, today a group of kids were with their teachers at Barnes and Noble, one of the kids looked at me and said "what's wrong with that lady's face?" the teacher said "she's smiling at you with her eyes" I walked into the bathroom stall, cried a little then realized ..... I smile with my heart all the time to Recker my grandson who has non-verbal autism.  So many times he stares at me with his eyes and I know we are communicating.  I am going to start a happy, positive thoughts and actions experiment--if anyone wants to do it with me, let me know I have an idea....I had some tears today, but through it all I know I am where I should be right now, and it sounds like it's going to be at least a month.