Love came in a box

Update on the last couple of days.  It has become extremely difficult to be so far away from my family, I miss them and Love them so much. I have tried to Face Time with them, and most of the time it works, but on those days it doesn't  work my heart is a little heavy.  I miss my Recker Love,  and Ezra's smiles and giggles.  I'm so afraid when I get home they will not remember me.  With the changes in my face, they were already beginning to doubt my relation to them before I left.  Eric, Blake and Chloe have been in the Dominican Republic for 10 days--I was intended to go with them, this trip has been planned for quite some time, when my sudden surgeries took precedence Eric immediately wanted to cancel the trip, I begged him not to, and thought it would be such a great bonding time for him and Blake.  Turns out I was correct, they had a great time, and are all on a flight back to Arizona.  While they were in the Dominican Republic they had the opportunity to work with Dr. Kelly, a surgeon who my daughter in law works with, his family is also dear to our family and we adore them.  Dr. Kelly is a surgeon and has been going to the Dominican Republic for 3 years to serve and give dental surgery to those in need,  those who  otherwise would not have the money to pay.  I will never regret having them go, it has been hard here in Cleveland without family, but I feel blessed to have modern technology where we are able to see and talk to each other through satellite.  I felt the spirit telling me to have Eric go, it was so strong that I told him if he stayed home I would not come to Cleveland Clinic, or have any surgery....it meant that much to me for him to go.  He has not missed out on one thing here, I have had to fully rely on the Lord to help me make some major decisions, it has been a great opportunity for me to get closer to my Savior than I ever thought I could, I have one spiritual experience upon another and I know this is where I should be.  I am not sure what the outcome of this surgery will be, but in my heart I know I should be here.

Kaitlyn always sending me pics of the boys
love love love

Haleigh with Ezra and Recker, thank you
for brightening my day

I got a knock at my hotel door this morning, it was a postman, (weird on Sunday) he delivered a package from the people in my home ward.  When I opened a gust of love took my breath away, it was filled with cards, notes, gifts and love from all the people I admire and love so much who live in our ward.  I was overwhelmed with the spirit as I read each and everyone of the cards and notes, over and over, and over again. I had no idea I was so loved.  I will never be able to thank each and everyone of them, but I have FAITH & HOPE in knowing they know.

Thank you, thank you

Marian Priday--source of putting together my box of love

 Eric and I moved into this ward when I was 30, Haleigh was in the nursery, all of my children were baptized while in this ward.  I was dealing with family matters, that eventually ended  sadly in my mom and dad cutting ties with me.  Wally Slade was our Bishop, since that time I relied so much on the women and men of this ward for an example.  It was one of the most difficult times of my life and I am so grateful to have moved where we did, I had to learn how to parent these little children of mine with lessons from Relief Society, I soon found the Lord leading my eyes and heart to watch and learn from the people around me.  Most of those people are still here in the ward, but as new people moved in and out our children grew older, teaching teens to hold to the rod was harder than I thought, and again I listened with my heart and watched with my eyes, there are too many people to thank, and most do not even know the example they have been.

This morning I went to the Shaker Ward, it was about 10 minutes from my hotel....everything was pushing against me to get there on time--I needed to check out of the hotel, and barely made it to Sacrament.  I felt like home as I walked in sat down and was able to, with a very still soul partake of the sacrament.  There are two things I would change, the bread for the sacrament (thank you Junel Durfee) and the music, I kept thinking to myself "we have such a powerful man behind every note played in our little 6th ward, and his name is Stephen Phelps" tears bubbled up and rolled down one cheek I miss my home ward.

I was glad I had on my mask and eye patch, two reasons 1. no one could see my eye, and tears only fell from one eye.  2. with the mask on they cannot see my crooked smile, a little girl walked by and I smiled at her with my eye, she smiled back.  I will never forget this little girl, she sang 'I'm trying to be like Jesus' with an angelic voice, I closed my eye and listened it was beautiful.  Then the counselor who was conducting announced how the meeting would go from that point, it was something I had never seen before--and I loved it.  He said they were going to have a Hymnology.  It seemed to be a normal thing that they maybe do a couple times a year, and today was the day, how blessed I felt to be there.
It is something like a testimony meeting, only who ever feels the spirit goes to the podium and tell of their favorite Hymn and why then the congregation sings the song.  The list of Hymns were some of my favorites too.  Count your many blessings, Praise to the Man, Love at Home, Where Can I turn for peace, Master the Tempest is Raging, I know my father lives, Because I have been given much, The Iron Rod,  I believe in Christ and Sisters in Zion.  This ward is filled with multi cultures, it was refreshing to see and hear from members of all races.

Sister Franklin

Bore such a strong testimony today

Sister Franklin and her Nephews

 A little boy with Down Syndrome, walked up to me and hugged me, then said "Hi" he reminded me of CJ Udall-- tears filled my eyes, but then what he did next was even more touching, without knowing I had a BAHA implant in my head, he turned around then back and looked at me,  took my hand and placed it on his BAHA, he too has SSD (single sided deafness) I have yet to meet anyone who has a BAHA.  I have no idea what his name is, but I will never forget his piercing eyes as he stared into mine, at that moment I could feel the Savior's love all around me.

When the meeting was over I was filled once again with the strength to get through this  week as I prepare for the next surgery.  Today has been a day for giving me inspiration to continue on, knowing whatever the Lord has planned for my future is His will and although I may not understand why things happen the way they do, I can rely on Him to get me through ALL of my journey here on earth until I return to Him again.

Mom's Funeral

My nephew Ronny 

November 19th, 2013 Tuesday
Today, my sisters and I attended the funeral services for my mother.  It's difficult to describe how I felt and feel.  I was drawn closer to her by listening to her cousin, Mary Joyce speak of mom's earlier years, when she was a young girl and teenager.  Mom really never talked a lot about those days, so it was nice to hear and learn the fun, happy side of her life.  I believe all is Holy in the house of God, and I was trying my hardest to feel heaven there.

Linda, Myself and Dottie (Linda's mom)

Linda one of my besties- I love her

Susan and Ron Lundberg (mom's closest friends)

 I am grateful for my friends who supported me and  did not let the influence of "not knowing" my mom keep them from coming to support me.  I needed you there, and I so appreciate Millie we have been friends for 15 years she has no idea of my life before Gilbert, yet because of her Christian spirit she came and loved me through it, she also brought enchiladas to my family for Sunday dinner, she will and always be close to my heart.  Linda my friend from childhood, she and her mother drove far to be here and I will always love Linda for her unconditional love, especially having known my parents, made it special to me to have her there.  Last my dear friend Jenny Ruttinger text me and said "I know this will be hard for you, I will be sitting with you" and she did, we've been through a lot together in the past 20+ years, no questions asked I knew she would be there for me.  Eric and I decided we wanted to position ourselves perfectly so that we could see and watch Stephen Phelps play the organ.  I always feel the spirit and peaceful when I listen to him play, he and his wife have been a tremendous example for me as we have tried to raise our children by their example.  Eric and I spoke about him many times this past week knowing it would be difficult for him physically to play, and would of been OK if he couldn't come, but he did and I know he did it just for me.  I love you Stephen and Carolei you have been an example to me for over 20 years now, and still continue to amaze me with your loving hearts.

Jenny--I love you

November 20th 2013 Wednesday
As I post this Eric and I are in Mexico, spending some time at our condo, he needed to fix our freezer (well I say him, but those of you who know my "Tim the tool man" knows he will hire someone to fix it.)  He wanted me to come last week, and in fact was leaving for Mexico on the day he got the text from me saying my mother had passed.  This week he has been begging me to come with him, and I have not wanted to go, mostly because I think a little bit of that depression and unresolved issues is unsettling to me.  Eric knows me so well, he knew if I stayed home I would lay around and try to figure out the whys? Then become depressed and anxious, so I'm glad I came with him.

 Being here, draws me closer to Heavenly Father, I'm able to sit on the sand, watch the ocean waves come gently  in and out and see the hand of the Lord pick me up and keep me from getting carried away in those waves.  Honestly, I have so many emotions stirring up inside of me, although what I am saying is completely from my heart and I am being true to myself, I know it will probably be confusing to some people.

I want to remember and write some of my fond memories of mom.  Our kitchen was always our gathering place, and I loved to sit, watch and learn from her. There were 3 things I remember distictly about my mom during Christmas--she always made Red Velvet Cake and sprinkled the green and red sparkles to top it off. She also taught me how to make her Cranberry Meatballs, that was a Christmas Eve Tradition in our home. Lastly, she made cheese balls and gave them out to friends and anyone she knew needed a little boost during the holiday months.  Eric and I sill carry on this tradition, so if you get a cheese ball during the holiday month it;s because our family loves you--DON"T THROW IT AWAY.  Mom grew her own small cucumbers, and taught me how to pickle them, I loved her homegrown pickles. Every year I went to girls camp, she was there it was comforting to have my mom with us at Camp Lo Mia, all the girls in the Stake loved her so much. I wanted to be just like that, I wanted to work in Young Women's like she did, go to girls camp like she did and enjoy all the blessings that come from serving in YW.  I have not really had an opportunity to serve in the YW program for more than 6 months, but I was able to be our ward camp director for several years in a row.   I also remember my mom giving me the 1st compliment I can remember.  She said "Monya you have the ability to get upset or mad, spit it out, then let it go, I like that about you" When Elvis Presley died, I was mowing the lawn and remember coming into the house to get a drink of water, she was crying, she really loved music, that is probably why I love music so much.  I'll never forget having to tell my mother over the phone that my brother had died, she was heart broken, she screamed "No, No" over and over then threw the phone.

Mom is with Lance now

I have tried to write and re-write so that not to offend anyone, I've decided journaling is a good thing for ME (maybe not how YOU would handle it) to be real, I've hidden for too many years, soooo--to all of you who have written me emails criticizing me for the things I blog about all I can say to you, my intentions are in the right place and coming from an authentic real me. You did not live my life and are not living my journey now.  You saw my mom give endless hours of service to others including some of you, and she did it not because she was Relief Society President, she did it because she wanted to serve, I'm so grateful for her example to me in that regard, and for the last thing on this subject, those of you who have emailed me with your criticism, I noticed not one of you took time to show your respect to my mother and come to her funeral.  So please do not bother sending me a follow up email--I said it, was upset about what you said, and now I'm over it.  This is in the Lords hands now, and I truly believe my mother wanted the ultimate goal that myself and my sisters wanted, for our family to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but it is difficult to do that when you cannot admit there are pieces missing.  I tried many times to mend this relationship, and was given a blessing  with confirmation that this will not be resolved in this life time, unless hearts were softened and sorrow was shown.  I realize this was difficult for my mother, but was necessary on her part in order for our relationship to continue--she made her choices--and we have all had to deal with that decision.  Mom did the best she knew how to do.  I will see her again, and the Lord will solve all earthly issues. Thank you Linda for giving me permission to express my feelings here--so if you have issues please email Linda.

Beautiful Casket

Greg dedicating the grave

 I believe our lives are like ocean waves, constantly moving, sometimes those waves are further out than we can reach, but they eventually rise to meet me in a solemn comforting manner--when they do -- all is quiet and calm especially in my heart where I need it the most.  I am grateful my mother is peaceful with a complete healthy body, still I need some guidance, I believe there can be healing even in the deepest of graves--when we  humble ourselves and allow the spirit to speak--but not all is calm in my heart right now--I feel lonely and vulnerable, and I know no-one on this earth can understand what I am feeling--not even my sister Sonya--she said she felt a warm blanket of "comfort" around her during the funeral--why didn't I feel that?  Am I not worthy enough for that feeling?

When my brother Lance died I felt so guilty for not doing more to help him, it was a heavy burden I was carrying, I knelt and prayed one night for comfort and peace to fill my soul, for the Lord to let me know Lance was OK.  That night as I knelt waiting for an answer, I felt my brothers hand on mine and his voice as clear as day say "This is the Lords will, not yours, I am happy" Because of that experience I was able to move forward in faith and HOPE knowing without a doubt Lance was in a good place.

 For me, it was the start for healing when I was able to be at moms bedside and say "I forgive you" before she  passed on. It was a tender moment, and I know she heard me.

During the funeral my mother's dearest friend Susan spoke and told memories she had of my mom.  She spoke from her heart and she really loved my mom, something I will always be grateful for.  While she was speaking I thought of a talk given by Elder Bednar in General Conference October of 2009.  He talked about family love, he said that no wife, daughter, son or husband should hear the words "I love you" for the 1st time from the pulpit--this is what I heard--but not from my mom from her friend. I wish so badly I would of heard "I love you, and I am proud of you" from my mothers lips.  All I can do now is to make sure everyone I truly love and care for,  not only hear it, but KNOW it.  I understand mom may not have been able to express her love to me, because I'm not really sure if she was told as a child--maybe she was never taught by example--I don't know--all I know for sure is when I held each and everyone of my children in my arms for the 1st time I loved them--unconditionally loved each one of them.  I guess the forgiveness does not always leave you with a feeling of peace and happiness, this part will come to me in the Lord's time--It always does-so for now, I love you mom, and I know you did the best you could.

Dear Mom

Today is Sunday November 17th

 Last night I barely slept my hip pain is getting worse, I just barely had a cortisone shot a month ago--When I spoke to the Oncologist last week, she said I need to get more tests done--YAY more tests--(sarcasm)  Also the tumor in my head is bleeding out through my ear, I constantly have to change the cotton ball--I didn't want to go to church today, in thinking about it I received an email from my dear friend Carla Kelly, telling me her husband was speaking in church, I invited her to sit with me.  The meeting today was beautiful, I loved all the talks revolving around President Monson's talk on adversity in our lives--endure to the end.  Carla and her Husband lost a son 2 years ago, it has been a difficult time for them, probably a wrenching pain I don't understand since I have never lost a child. But I do remember how hard it was on my mom when she lost her son Lance at age 15.  I've decided it's not about the trial or adversity we endure, it's about how strong we are to endure those times.  We can embrace those storms, and come out on the other end a better person having been through it, or we can become cold, hard hearted and let it destroy not only our lives but the ones we love the most, our family.

Mom on Halloween 2013

I know the Lord knows where my hidden places are and HE will find me there, bring me into the light again and pull me up from the scrapes, bruises and wounds I feel--HE will heal me.
If I am 100% pure and honest, I am afraid of going to the Funeral, there were many people from the West Stake area where I grew up, who when hearing bits and pieces of our lives years ago, did not believe this could be true--I'm nervous about seeing any of them. I'm hoping this can be put to rest, I'm wanting my mom to find some peace that for so long she did not have here on earth.  Nothing that happened here on this earth can be changed, I would never change any of it, even as hard as it has been, I prayed for so many years it could and would be different, but I've realized all of the fears and doubts we all go through are OUR OWN JOURNEY, something we chose together with our Heavenly Father before we came to earth.  The faith that I have found in myself during these endless, sleepless nights have changed me.   I've seen the hand of God in my life, I've asked for big and small miracles to happen in my life, some have been granted and most have not.  Not because HE does not love me, but because HE loves me THAT much.  I am living proof that He is REAL, I cannot and will not ever deny that.

If I could talk to my mom today I would say....
 Monday November 18th, 2013

Mom, I want to be healed, I want you to know me, I want you to see the woman you helped create.  Thank you for giving me life, for staying with me all those times I was in the hospital and didn't want to be alone in the dark as a little girl.  Thank you for never saying anything bad about the Belshe family, or my father who put me in the hospital.  Thank you for teaching me how to sew, even if I didn't care for it, thank you for teaching me to bake and love it.  Thank you for not allowing me to drink soda, for giving me a choices between fruit or candy.  Most of all thank you for remaining true to your faith, taking me to church, and helping me to anchor my testimony in Jesus Christ.

I know you have been in pain for years, and I also know this is so bittersweet for you, leaving 3 daughters behind with no earthly resolve,  but being able to go into the arms of Lance,  your only son.  You and I have been wanting the same things, a loving eternal family. I want you to know I KNOW you did the best you knew how to do.

 Today I went to the funeral home and watched as Kris fixed up your hair, you were always so beautiful to me.  I've  heard it said "time heals all wounds" I know time cannot stand still, life goes on and things get easier, but for some reason I want you to know not a day has gone by since Lance died that I haven't thought about him, now as I think of him I will always think of you, with a perfect body, no more pain, being able to once again go forward with this next journey of your life, hopefully happy and able to look down on your middle daughter (bonbon) and finally hear the words
I LOVE YOU MOM.  I have you to thank for the tears running down my cheeks, but now its time to wipe those away once and for all.

 There has been a hole in my heart for too many years, now its time to release that pain,  reclaim the parts of my life that I have struggled with.  I don't blame you, I forgive you, and this place where we call home, where we call life, is just a passing through place, home is where you are now--no more sorrow or pain--the Lord will take over now and allow you and I both to heal. 

Better not Bitter

-Regina Clara Heath-

I can't sleep tonight, I wonder if it is selfish to ask the Lord to take it all away for now--probably huh?
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the death of my mother, all the fear and doubts I have ever had about myself are all flooding back into my head and I need a release, at least for now.  I can't carry this burden I'm feeling anymore--I have flown on the wings of the angels who have carried me through life's experiences, my soul has been healed by sweet testimonies born by people in my ward, people who have no idea how they have touched my heart.  This has definitely been a ravenous storm I was not prepared to deal with, I honestly thought this was the one place HE knew exactly how I was feeling, I thought HE truly understood that I could not handle this one, just take it away, let me not feel, let me have numbness and let it pass.  I have asked to please just let Sonya and Kris take care of this one--I understood HE was willing to let me take a "get out of jail" card--obviously HE and I are were not on the same page, because this pain is not going away--I'm glad my kids have not seen my pain, for now I just need to cry--oh boy do I need to cry, just get it all out, I know that it is even hard for my Heavenly Father to see, I have to believe he wants to take it all away and HE has the power to do just that, but where is my learning and growing in him doing that?

Sometimes, I am feeling weakness and the heart ache starts to pull me down, no matter how hard I fight it, I know  I agreed with the Lord he could put this beating heart inside me when I came to earth, HE already knew the fullness of that pain and suffering I would feel--I have full knowledge of this proof he has so graciously let me feel--but today I just need to not ask why, or when it will stop, I just need to let it be what it is--I am broken hearted--more than that, I am broken, I have felt joy in my life, so much joy, so much blessings have come to my family, in fact my family is my blessing, but I wonder if at times like this if it is ok to feel the pain, I know it is not going away anytime soon. I just need this time to try and understand once again what I am supposed to learn.  I know for a fact HE will take the pain away, maybe not today, but HE will take it away--like Hillary Weeks says in her song  "just let me cry" Yesterday I was laughing and enjoying my grandson, pure ultimate joy in my heart--within moments that joy was taken away--I want to come away from this better, not bitter--HE knows my heart, HE knows my willingness to give all I have to HIM, until the last tear drops from my face, I will try to have no regrets, I plead with the Lord to not let me feel those regrets, please take those away, carry them away--I can't take those right now.  Tomorrow is a new day, I will rise, kneel in prayer, cry and repeat if I have to, but please NO REGRETS--please let the healing begin, please with all my weaknesses and mistakes let me feel your grace.

Today Mom Died 11/12/13

The time is 8:15 pm on November 12, 2013
 It's seems weird to write about this, but my feelings are raw and real and I need to write for therapy.  I always wondered what this would feel like, today my mom passed away.  She has been staying in an assisted living home for the past couple of months, only a couple miles from my home.  My sister Sonya, (mother Theresa) got the call from moms bishop that mom needed to be placed in assisted living after her last fall, and Sonya decided driving a couple hours one way everyday to take care of her in Phoenix was a little too much for her, so she made the decision to move mom to this side of town.  A few months before my diagnosis with cancer my step father, Gary died and I was asked by my mother's best friend Susan to please come to the hospital and be with her, I hesitated because besides a couple of hateful letters I had received over the years, (one that almost put me in a mental hospital, I have Debbie Slade and President Lesueuer to thank for that not happening)  it had at that time already been 17 years since I had any contact with either one of them, per my mother's request. 6 months before Gary died, I was at the Temple and out of the blue had a feeling of forgiveness come over me stronger than I had ever felt before, I searched for an email or someway to contact him and let him know.  It simply read "Dear Dad, I want you to know I have forgiven you. I have a beautiful family 3 girls and 1 boy we live in Gilbert Arizona and are very happy.  I hope you are happy too."  Love Monya  within 6 months he passed away and I was at his bedside.  My choice to be at his bedside did not have a lot to do with him, but more to do with mending the relationship with my mother.

 I will never forget walking into that hospital room with my 4 children, my sisters chose not to go and I never judged them for that, in fact Sonya begged me not to go, she is very protective over me and knows I get my hopes up, only to be crushed, and the depression, guilt and heartache start all over again.  She is wise, but I did not listen. I went anyway, it was a tremendously grotesque experience to have my children watch as they pulled the plug on him, it was as if he was fighting to go to the other side, it honestly is what I imagined a person with a demon inside of them trying to get out would look like--I have questioned my motherly instinct on that one for years now.....not a good idea.  But the one thing that struck me and has stayed with me over all these years is that my mother showed no emotion what so ever--NONE.  I spoke with her bishop and told him Eric and I would be willing to help with whatever arrangements needed to be done, hugged my mom and said good bye.  The next day she called me to find out about meeting her at the funeral home, I replied "Yes mom I would love to help you, what time would you like me to pick you up?" and then it came, that voice, it rings in my ears I can still hear her "Monya, I still have one more thing I need to say to  you...." the sarcasm and stinch in her voice let me know this was not going to go well...I quickly responded "mom, please not now, your husband just died yesterday, can we please just let this go, I want a clean start with you"  she abruptly interrupted me and said "You ruined our lives with your lies, and your father was forgiven for what he did"  obviously my next question was "what was he forgiven for? according to you and he both, he never did anything wrong? blah blah blah this led to a huge bowl of tears on my part and I immediately called her bishop to tell him, this was not going to work and he would have to get someone else to go to the funeral home and help her tomorrow, one of my kids called Sonya and told her what had happened as I wept like a baby wanting to be coddled by their mother.  Sonya took measures into her own hands, called my mom and, well lets just say she finally was able to give her a little bit of her own medicine, all in defense of me.  I love Sonya for that.  A few months later came my cancer diagnosis and of course Sonya was protective, not allowing mom to come to the hospital or make life anymore stressful than I needed it to be.  I simply have put the whole ordeal behind me and not looked back, I knew and still do know that my mother is stubborn, that pride will never allow her to say she's sorry, if she did then she would have to do something about it, and that was out of the question for her.

The past month I have realized while reading the Infinite Atonement that I needed to forgive my mother.  I have asked myself over and over again, "how can you forgive your father who beat you as a three year old and as a result made you deaf in one ear?"  'how can you forgive the stepfather who  abused you, but not be able to forgive your own mother?"  Theses questions have haunted me as I have studied the Atonement and tried desperately to comprehend why a mother would walk away from her children and grandchildren, why did she stay with a man who could do such heinous things to her very own flesh and blood.  All these years, all I have ever wanted to hear from her was "I'm sorry, this is not your fault, and wish it had never happened"  or just "I'm sorry" that would of been sufficient.  I was never granted those simple words, or the words "I love you"  One day recently while at the Temple I had that overwhelming feeling again that I needed to let her know I had forgiven her, this is all the Lord asks of us, to Love One Another and to forgive as he did.  Knowing I am about to have another major surgery, I realized I do have one last regret I need to take care of, I need to let her know how I feel, to let her know I have forgiven her and that I know the Lord will take care of all of this mess one day.  I was not expecting anything in return, but my heart had finally been softened enough to acknowledge my weakness in not granting her the forgiveness I have in my heart for all these years of heartache and pain.

Two things happened, 1st I sent a text to my visiting teachers asking them if they would help me, I wanted them to come with me to the assisted living home while I spoke with her,  I felt this was the best way and felt the safest for me personally.  I purposefully did not tell my family, not even Eric or Sonya that I was planning this for Friday the 14th this week. I have wonderful visiting teachers Kathi Cluff who I adore and admire so much, she is not only beautiful physically but have always looked to her for an example of true Christ like love.  Marian Priday, is my other visiting teacher, I love her and have complete faith and assurance in confidentiality with her knowing she will always give me the best advice and help in anyway she can.

The 2nd thing that happened was last weekend I took my girls to a women's convention in downtown Phoenix called Time Out For Women, there were over 5500 women in attendance.  During the very 1st speaker I was so emotional Brad Wilcox was the speaker, he spoke of the Atonement and how to use it in our lives, it felt as though he was speaking to me, and only me, like I was the only one in the room.  He said The Atonement is a Gift, no one made or forced Christ to die for our sins, HE chose it.
and this is literally what I wrote in my note book "The spirit is so strong, my heart is pounding, I cannot get my mom off of my mind"  Let go of willpower and rely on HIS power, turn towards HIM-HE is the light.  My life end goal of enduring to the end is to become more like HIM, to lead a more Christ like life in all that I do and say.
Can people change?
Not without God-
Alone we will fail-
with God all things are possible-

my next line of notes really hit me tonight--
YES--I can do this-through the Atonement of Christ I can face my fears, I can face my mother, and in the holiest of a pure heart I can tell her "I forgive you" and expect nothing in return.
Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the future home of all who are willing to be perfected.

Yesterday, I thought about my brother all day, it has been 26 years since his death, he would of been 42 in January.  This is a night I will never forget, Veterans Day has always been a special day to me now.  That night having to tell my parents their only son had died in their home while they were out of town, was hard.  It was a defining moment in my life.

Today, as I sat holding my little grandson, my sister Sonya sent me a text that read "can you talk?" I did not respond knowing Kayla was soon leaving and I just wanted a few more minutes with Ezra. As soon as Kayla left, I got the 2nd text saying my mom was in Banner  Gateway Hospital and for me to come, she was not going to make it--I rushed over there, walked in the solemn room, quiet and with a smell of sickness and death--I stood by her side, told her "Mom, its Monya and I'm here--mom I forgive you" within just a few more very deep breaths the sounds of the flat lines  on the machine went off and she was gone.  Sonya, Greg and myself alone in a room with a woman who had caused so much pain in our lives, suddenly I felt the pains of devastation--now I know what that feels like, its not having been abused, that can be fixed and forgiven, its not having cancer, it's a family ripped apart, because of pride,  a daughter of our Heavenly Father wanting so badly to have a relationship with her mother, call her for a recipe, talk about spiritual moments, share the blessings of an eternal family--just ripped in half--all over PRIDE.

 This earth is our school of learning, and I am saying from an authentic place, that I need to pray for myself to heal my heart from the hurt and pain my mom and dad have caused--help change ME--don't worry anymore about changing HER--The Atonement will allow all of me to change for good--I choose to be authentic, I choose to forgive, I choose to live like the Savior.

Today, if I am absolutely authentic, I had so many emotions go through me--why? why? couldn't my mom say "I'm sorry?" Why, was I not given 2 more days to express my feelings to her?  Was the Lord protecting me from more pain?  When the disciples prayed with Christ in his last days they were filled with desire--am I filled with desire? what is that desire? Because when I am sitting in this hospital room I want to scream out loud, I'm so mad.  After everyone left, I asked if I could have a few minutes with my mom.  My sisters Sonya and Kris had spent much time with her the past couple of months, and even they were ready to move on and go.  When the door shut, I asked Eric to stay with me, I held my moms hand, talked about how small she was, 88 pounds, and kissed her on the forehead, with a final "I forgive you" Eric and I held her hand and he offered one of the sweetest prayers I have ever heard, I did not expect that from him, he has always had such pain and anger towards my parents for what they had put me through, but tonight that side of him was gone and the spirit of healing began.  I wept, and could not control my emotions--so this is how this feels...

Have You Been Born Again?

Today while at the Mayo Clinic, a man asked me "have you been born again?" It took me by surprise, since I was not even remotely having any type of conversation with him to begin with, however, I answered "why yes, yes I have and thank you for asking"

During the day I have thought about that question and wondered HAVE I BEEN BORN AGAIN?  Not being able to get my mind off of it, I decided that man asked me this question for a reason, not sure what HIS reasoning was but it sure has made me think.

I know in some religious beliefs, people are known to use the term "born again" as meaning they have given their life and self to the Lord.  If that being my belief then I would say "yes I have been born again"

For me, being "born again" means each and every time we are faced with a challenge, (and by a "challenge"  I mean a life altering challenge like being sexually abused or life threatening, divorce, death of a spouse anything that causes your life to change) instead of turning it into a negative force that destroys everything in its path with anger, including your soul, your able to step away, give it time and ask the question "what can I learn from this?" with that being said I think I have been born again several times in my life.

I have been angry, very angry with the man who abused me and the mom who walked away from me.   I have felt the fear of rage take over my whole being to the point of wanting to take my own life. I know what it feels like to have no control over what is happening to my body and to be enraged almost to the point of hatred. I have mourned the death of my brother and blamed myself for the "what ifs"

Every single time I experienced these emotions, they dug deeper and deeper into developing a person who was negative, angry and depressed, taking it all out on others including my own family. The 1st turning point for me was when I faced my fear (my dad) and confronted the abuse--this was my first "born again" moment, it was at that time I realized I cannot control anyone else, how they act, how they respond or even how they lie.  It was at that moment a light bulb went off in my head--"I am in control now, I control how I will respond, how I will learn and how I will teach my children to forgive"  The 2nd "born again" moment was when I had truly forgiven him, when the calm after the storm came, and I knew he could no longer effect me or my children, I wrote an email to him after 16 years of no contact and told him I had forgiven him and that I hoped he was living a happy life--6 months later he died, and I was at his bedside.

I was "born again" when I finally forgave myself for so many things I had done to offend others, after reaching out to them and apologizing truly letting go of my actions and words that had hurt others, I gave it to the Lord and hoped those people would forgive me too.  This included forgiving myself for the death of my brother--

When I was diagnosed with cancer--I was not quite ready to accept this new life I was going to take on, but I was "born again" when I faced it, prayed and pleaded with the Lord to forgive me and help me to be a better person, I KNOW HE DID.

Most recently I was "born again" when I went to the Dominican Republic and lived the life of my missionary son for a couple weeks--He will never know what that meant to me, and how proud I am of the work he accomplished while he was there--what a great experience I can check that one off of my bucket list, but I will never ever forget it--Oh, I love Weeyum, and now appreciate even more the son who came home a man.

All of us, have challenges in our life, and if you say you don't well get ready to have it scheduled on the calendar because the Lord will not put us here on earth without challenging us and testing us, it's just that some people have different challenges than others.

 Recently a dear friend of mine who I greatly admire and love wrote me a loving email, this is  a portion of what it said "I want you to know, Monya, that if I could take 
this on for you and bear
 it instead of you having to bear it,
 I would do it in a minute" and my response to him was "of course you would, because that's the kind of man you are, and one of the reasons I love you and your family so much " but I also said this to him "how can I complain when I'm the one who agreed to live this life?"  We all agreed to live our life, so live it, love it and learn from it.

I need Thee every hour

Once again I am feeling like I need  help from  my  Heavenly Father to keep my soul  still and lift me through the thorny parts of life.  I have learned to listen to my heart, and search my soul,  but I sometimes still doubt myself and pray that I am making the right decisions..there are things sometimes we need to let go, but still I question if I am doing all the Lord wants me to.  I so want that chapter of my life to be over--but how?
  I spoke today with my mother's bishop and he advised me that she is not doing well and refuses to get the proper help that she needs, the church has done all they can do to help her financially, physically and spiritually--they will continue to help her financially however,  he explained that she needs 24 hour care, she cannot take care of herself, she told him and others that she will not move away from her home. I asked him if I could help financially, he said he wished it was that easy--Her heart has become so hard, the women from the church have gone over and helped her dress morning and night, take her doctor appointments, clean the house, and so much more.  She has blamed them of stealing things, and over stepped her boundries with these wonderful woman, she has caused them all to run.  Oh how I wish this was easier, for years I have prayed that she would soften her heart.  Going through my cancer treatments I was so grateful to have family and friends to help me, but I have always longed for a mother to love me, to laugh with, cry with and share with.  I am trying to recover from the last couple of years, I have learned to rely on the Lord for everything--I love deeper, feel more compassion, look at life as a gift, always talk about service to others, and treasure everyday I wake up to children I adore and a husband who keeps me smiling.  Now, as I am faced with this,  I wonder what I am supposed to learn--If I thought for one second I could change her heart I would be at her doorstep in a heartbeat--but I'm scared, I've been so hurt, the Lord has answered so many prayers in this respect telling me to move forward and live my life, be the mother I always wanted my mom to be, be the wife I dreamed of being as a teenager.  I've been told over and over again to stay away from stress, my doctors have warned me adding excessive stress can feed my type of cancer--I know that should be the answer right?  It's not that simple, she's my mother--our Heavenly Father would not turn his back on any of his children, non of them, so now what? I can feel the anxiety coming on right now--
(the above was written by me on Sunday)
Today is Tuesday, I am just now getting around to writing about some of the experiences I have had this week.  Sunday after I spoke with my mother's bishop I decided I really needed to pray about this situation--so as usual I found a quite space in my son Blake's room and knelt to pray for guidance in this situation I've been placed in.   That night I had a hard time sleeping, but finally got my mind to think of my happy place in Paris--I fell asleep and dreamed, I dreamed of a time when my mother was soft and gentle--in this dream I was perfectly aware of the life I am in right now, but was feeling the emotions  of a child --this part is hard to explain.  I went to my kitchen table and wrote a letter, a heart-felt letter, one of love and compassion but also one letting her know how I feel today as a woman, a woman who knows what it is to be a mother, a wife and most important a daughter of God.  In this letter there was no blaming or accusations of any type,  just allowing myself to hopefully let her see a part of my heart that she has never known--then the next part of the dream I mailed the letter to her Bishop and asked him to read it to her--I woke from the dream and knew that my prayers had been answered, I need to write that letter.  I love that the Lord knows that I need him every hour, even while I'm sleeping.

Hold on, the light will come

Welcome to the world Tanner Justen Watkins

Today my nephew Justen and Courtney had their baby blessed.  Jeremy drove Kayla, Brian & Kaitlyn, Recker and myself to Phoenix so we could be there.  All of my nephews are special to me, Justen was the 1st born to my sister Sonya, I was just a teenager and I loved it.  I would drive to her house and pick him up to take him for ice cream or candy, now he is a man in medical school and married with his own 1st born Tanner Justen Watkins.  
I was kinda shocked when I walked in and Susan Lundberg (one of my mom's friends) approached me with her beautiful smile and embracing hug.  I said "I didn't know you and Ron were in this ward" she said "we're not, we brought your mom to the blessing, Justen invited her" my heart started to beat faster and harder, I looked to my right and there she was sitting only 2 chairs away from me. Not knowing exactly how to react to that, I asked how she was doing, Susan said she had some health issues and was going to be having foot surgery soon.  I think my mind was racing as fast as my heart was, I have not seen her since Gary died a few years ago, and I was so hurt by her I never thought I would see her again, and to be quite honest I was OK with that.  I have tried and failed so many times to heal the hurt that has penetrated my heart and soul over the years, I finally just came to the realization that the Lord needs to be in charge, HE would resolve these issues but not until death.  When I was diagnosed with the VILLAIN my sister Sonya tried to keep her updated but once again that communication failed.  Now here she is sitting within a few feet of me, I looked over to her and she smiled and waved.  I told Susan I wanted to go say Hi to her sweet husband Ron, so I got up and walked over to him, have him a hug and he whispered to me "how does this feel?"  I replied "very awkward"  he and I chatted for a few minutes, I seriously love Ron his heart is kind and compassionate.  I then did something I never thought would ever happen in my lifetime I leaned down and hugged my mom, when I did she whispered in my ear "I love you" I replied "I love you too" this was the most uncomfortable I think I have ever felt in my life.  Never, ever has my mother said "I love you" to me.   I wondered if her heart was softened, if she really meant it, was it as hard for her to say to me as I think it was?  She had tears in her eyes and for the 1st time, I could see some regret, her grandchildren were sitting next to her and she had no idea who they were, now she has 2 great grand children, in all these years (19) she has missed so much.  As the meeting started I could not keep my eyes off of her, tears filled my eyes too, I have to believe the Lord was trying to teach me something today, again I heard HIM say quietly to me,  like He has done so many times "be still, know that I am God" I'm not sure what today was supposed to teach me, I'm not sure that I am even supposed to do anything with this information, but I do KNOW one thing for sure, the spirit was whispering to me, and if it was only to teach me a little more about forgiveness and the Atonement of Jesus Christ it was worth it, that message was so clear to me.  Just as Brent Slade sings in the song Hold On....  "the answers never come without a fight, and when it seems you struggled far too long, just hold on there will be light"

MOM

Today is February 17th 2011, probably just another day to most people.  It's my mothers birthday today, I've been thinking about her all day. Sad that she lives within an hour of me and I never see her, talk to her or know how she is doing.  

The last contact I actually had with her was 3 years ago when my stepdad, Gary  died.  I got a phone call from Susan May, one of my mothers good friends.  It was weird to hear this familiar voice on the phone, she told me that Gary was in the hospital, he had fallen at work and was in a coma.  She asked me if I would like to come to the hospital and be there with my mom when they took him off of the life support.  I had to think about that one for awhile, I asked her if I could call her back.  I called both my sisters and asked them what they thought, both Sonya and Kris said "no way were they going, and that I shouldn't either" I went into my room knelt down to pray and asked the Lord what I should do.  The answer came quick and clear, "yes" so I gathered my family around and asked them if they would go with me, Eric did not feel comfortable going, and was really against it, however, I am my own woman and I had to do what I had to do.  Saturday came quickly, the drive over to the hospital was agonizing for me, I have not seen my mom or dad for at least 16 years, my head was spinning trying to imagine how this was going to go down.  There was this small part of me that was excited, I realized that now maybe my mom and I could start over and begin to heal this much needed relationship.  My children were so great to go with me, they dropped everything they were doing on a Saturday and went with me to see people they have never met, well actually they had met them but the last time we saw them was on Kaitlyn's 1st birthday and now she was 16 almost 17.  Haleigh is the only child that they have never actually seen, she was born after all this happened.  When we walked into the hospital room is was small and cold, I did not recognize my mother, the mom I used to know was taller and much softer, this woman was hunched over, very short and crippled up with Arthritis. I walked up to her and gave her a hug, it was so extremely uncomfortable, my eyes water up right now when I think about it.

Not too many words were exchanged, I introduced her to my children, I remember sitting in a chair close by her and facing her, Blake was standing behind me holding his hands on my shoulders as if to protect his mama from whatever he expected was going to happen next.  Haleigh sat on my lap, Kaitlyn behind me next to Blake and Kayla on my right side holding my hand.  What a sight we must of been, I'm not sure what thoughts were going through my childrens heads but I know I was thinking "what am I doing here?"  It almost felt as if I was in a dream and I could not wake up.  My chair was at the foot of Gary's bed, it was hard for me to look at him, all the flood of bad memories were sure to well up  and surface as tears in my eyes, I can't do that right now I need to be strong and show no emotion.   My mom and I had small talk, like always, even though I have not talked to her in so long it's always small talk with her nothing too deep, nothing that she would have to think about or admit to. Not much has changed in that department for her.  I'm not judging her, I just think she looks mad, sad she has carried all this anger with her for so many years that I think she has a hard heart, always wanting me to feel like she is one step ahead of me.  When I introduced her to Hales my mom looked right at her and said "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I USED TO SEND YOU BIRTHDAY CARDS EVERY YEAR BUT SINCE I NEVER HEARD BACK FROM YOU I STOPPED"

The mother bear in me wanted to come across the floor and seriously give her a slap across the face, no-one, and I mean no-one talks to my children like that, instead I let it go and decided that it was not worth it, maybe she is testing me, besides the Lord knows my heart he is the only one who knows where my heart is.

There were some other people it the room including her Bishop, and friends of hers from her church, one of them said outloud in a sarcastic voice "you have a daughter?, where has she been all this time?"  again, I had to refrain from using the words I wanted to, I just sat there waiting for my moms response..... she said nothing, what could she say, we were all there, and I know the real story, so of course she is not going to say anything, she'll wait until I'm gone then she'll fill them all in on what a horrible daughter I am, how I hurt them and ruined their lives.  The nurse came in and said it was time to start the process on Gary, she explained that once they take him off of the life support his body should struggle for a few breaths then he will just go to sleep.

Then my mom looked at me and said "you can go hold his hand and whisper to him if you want to Monya"

a wave of ugliness just went through my body, I can't explain it in words but there was no way in HELL I was going to whisper anything in this mans ear, he tortured me and made my life a living hell for so many years, I cannnot think of one good memory with this man.  I politely said "I'm good, no thanks" then I heard a sigh from someone in the room as if to say "are you kidding me, this is the last time you have to say good-bye" In my head I had said good-bye many, many years ago, now I realize that demon I can never say good-bye to, it lingers in the back of my mind and surfaces when it feels like it. 

They came in took him off life support and believe me when I tell you this, it did not go down like the sweet little nurse said it would.  His body immediately started to gasp for air, his head popped back, mouth open and his body went into convulsions, it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I had my children with me, this was their first experience with death, what the heck was I thinking taking them with me?  I was grateful when they were able to experience the death of Eric's dad Ray Williams just a few months later, it was the same setting except he just went to sleep and it was peaceful as he left this life and went to live with our Heavenly Father, it reminded me of the day Gary left this life, who did he go to live with? because that was one of the most awful experiences of my life.  One of the interesting things about it was there was not much emotion from my mom, she cried a little, then it was all business. She didn't even hold his hand or stand by him.  I cried thinking about what my children had just gone through, they had shock on their faces.

 My mom asked me if I would like to help her with the funeral, I told her yes I would. Finally I thought we were going to heal, mend this tattered and torn mother daughter relationship.  I talked to my moms bishop for a few minutes out in the hallway and explained the strained relationship we have, he was so sweet and non-judgemental, he gave me his phone number and told me to call him with any questions.  I said good bye to my mom and off I went with my children close by, I mean really close I wanted to hug them and kiss them and never leave them.  On the way home it was quiet, I asked all of them how they felt, and they all had different answers but for the most part, it FREAKED them out, my mom freaked them out and they had nothing good to say.  I'm not sure if it's because of their loyalty to me, or they sincerely felt nothing.  They all said it felt very dark and yucky when he actually died, I agreed. 

The next day when I got home from church there were a couple phone calls I had received from my mom, so I called her back to see what I could help her with.  She proceeded to tell me about where to meet her tomorrow, (the funeral home) I asked her if I could pick her up,  but she said Susan would take her. She asked me to do the program for the funeral, I said I would love to do that for you.  In my mind everything was going so well, then all of a sudden it turned, and it turned for the worst.  She said "I just need to say one thing to you...."  Oh no, here it comes, I know that voice, and here it comes, I said "mom, please don't go there, lets just get moving forward and mend this." She started to raise her voice "Do you know what you did to our lives? You ruined our lives..."  I could not hold back "I ruined YOUR life, are you kidding me?"

Her quick reply was "you know he has been forgiven don't you, he did everything he was supposed to, and took care of all of his sins"  "Really?, seriously mom? what did he get forgiven for? because according to you he never did anything wrong?" by now my emotions were getting the best of me, I can hardly breath, I am crying uncontrollably and I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest once again.  Finally for the last time I confronted my mom and told her these words "I cannot go backwards mom, I need to continue to go forward I have finally forgiven Gary for what he did to me, I am finally at a good place in my marriage and with my family, we are happy, we love the Lord and rely on him continually for strength, sorry but I am not willing to do this with you .... good-bye" and I hung up, went into a fetal position and cried for over a month.  I called my sisters and they were sad for me, but knew that was what was going to happen, Susan said that my mom kept looking for me at the funeral home the next day, telling the funeral director that she was waiting for her daughter who drives a maroon suburban to show up, finally Susan had to tell her "she's not coming"  Within a month my dad Colby Belshe died, and Erics dad Ray Williams died 6 months later, 2008 was a hard year. 

Today as I think about my mother on her birthday I have a lot of mixed emotions.  My own children have told me over and over again that they are so proud of me and that they are glad I took them to the hospital on that dreadful day, they said it finally let them see into my heart, I loved that, I loved that they, my own children could see what my intentions were, they knew I wanted to mend and heal, but was not willing to go backwards in my life.   For now, I live with guilt,  and all kinds of emotions over my mother, but I know there is nothing I can do about it, I've tried so hard, so many times being shot down by the one person, my mother who is supposed to protect and teach me in love, no matter what age I am.  

What Heaven Saw In Me

So many people have asked me about my parents and childhood, WOW any of you who know me really well know that is a subject I try to steer away from. Not because of any other reason but that I do not have a ton of good memories growing up and I don't like to dwell on it. I have decided because of my posterity I will try to explain the best I can the situation, as it stands today. I would first like to say that I prayed long and hard about whether I should post much about this, and the answers came very strong a couple of weeks ago so what I write is coming from the spirit and will take me awhile to communicate in writing as I do not want to hurt anyone involved. With that being said this is my life, and I am hoping from this post, because the spirit was strong telling me to do it that I will helping someone.
I was born in Phoenix, when I was in 2ND grade I told me teacher I was born behind the pancake house, puzzled about that answer she asked my mother and was told that she always told me that because I was born in the Baptist Hospital in Phoenix and there was a International House of Pancakes behind the hospital. My mom was very young when she married my father, they were high school sweethearts. It was during the 1960's and there were a lot of drugs, my father tried them all, my mother was very naive, she was happy just to be a mother and did not know much of what he was doing (as far as the drugs) One night while she was at work he was either very drunk or high and he hit me, my mom came home to a baby in tears holding my right ear, there was blood so she took me to the hospital, I had a broken eardrum. She had 3 daughters Sonya was about 5, I was 3 and Kristin was only 6 months when she left him that night. I am sure it must of been a hard thing to walk away and I am not sure where she went. My fathers mom (grandma Belshe) had 9 children and he was the oldest son, they introduced my mom to the gospel and because of them she was baptized into the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints as a teenager. Her testimony grew over the years and I was grateful for her example as mother and that she took us to church so that we could decide for ourselves if we wanted to join also, I was baptized at age 10.
Over the years I did not see my father much, I remember the last time I saw him he came to my grandma Belshe's to see us I think I was about 7, he had big hands and I remember thinking I had never seen anyone as large as he was, I felt safe around him and loved that he called me bonbon I think the family called me that because of my white head of hair. When we left my Grandmas house that day I did not see him again until I think I was 18 or 19. He made some bad choices and was sent to Prison, but I was never told where he was so as a child I felt abandoned by him. When I became a teenager I simply was angry at him and did not want to know anything about him, I was mad that he was not there to protect me from what was happening to me.
Mom married a Baptist minister when I was really young, they had a son together his name was Lance, my dad adopted my sisters and I and we took on his last name Heath. I felt like we did not have a choice, my loyalty was now to him since he was my mothers husband and I just wanted her to be happy. Over the years he was always respectful and kind to my mom, but to the children he was controlling and not a nice person to be around. Far beyond just not being a nice person he abused us, physically, emotionally, and sexually. Without going into any details in my teenage years I became extremely bitter and angry at the world. I decided when I was about 14 that I knew I was sent hear to earth as a child of great worth, pure and holy, and that I would do all that I could do to see what Heaven saw in me, I began to read the book of Mormon, and kneeling by my bed every night I would ask Heavenly Father to help me understand my worth, help me find some truth in my life. After many months of begging and pleading with the Lord, just when I was at the end of my strength and hope ,he magnified to me in a very spiritual way that for one the book of Mormon was true, 2ND that I was being tested and that if I was able to anchor myself to the truth and be obedient HE would get me out , I knew he understood every tear that fell from my eyes that night and It was that very moment that I knew HE Lives and Loves me, without a doubt in my mind I continued on choosing the right, knowing that because my father was making bad choices in his life, Heavenly Father was full aware of me and that HE would bless me someday. (by the way I had mentioned at the beginning my stepfather was a minister, he later took the missionary lessons and was baptized in the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints) I continued to serve in every calling I was offered, I attended church every week and lived what I believed to be true, I was an example to my friends by never drinking, trying drugs and kept myself morally clean. I knew if I continued to follow this path that Heavenly Father and his angels looked down on me and knew the truth, they understood more of who I was than I did, continuing on this path every promise God had given me would come true, I knew it I believed it. The abuse did not go away, but all I knew is that I was pure and holy, and I looked forward to those promises coming true.
When I was 18 I met Eric, he was my hero, a man who had lived in a home with love and respect. I fell in love with the love that was in their home, his mom and dad loved me. His mother was the most beautiful woman I had ever met, inside and out, she knew the truth about the gospel, her eyes were open and she knew who she was as a woman, she knew she was of Divine nature, oh how I missed her when she passed away of breast cancer.
Eric and I were sealed in the Temple and before we knew it we had 3 small children, one day my mom and dad were visiting in our home and he disciplined Blake really harshly, it hit me hard and I asked him to step away I told him that Eric and I had a different way of taking care of things, I remember him being really upset with me, and it was at that moment I needed to tell Eric about my life growing up. One night, after a long day at work Eric came home and layed down on the floor, Kayla jumped on his back and began to rub his back, I immediately went into a rage calling him a child abuser and that I wanted him to go to the bishop right away, of coarse he said "yes I agree we need to see the bishop but not because I've done anything wrong, you need to see him" To make a long story shorter I did go in and see my bishop and explained my abuse as a child over the next year week after week I would go in and talk to the bishop and week after week he tried to get me to confront my father, but I knew if would hurt my mom so much and I was not ready for that. Finally we did, and it was a disaster he did not admit to any of it, and my mother did not believe me. It was devastating, I was constantly in tears feeling like I did something wrong, still continuing to be abused over and over again just by the mere fact that I felt because I had opened up Pandora's box I was the reason for the break up of the family. We tried so hard to ask them to get help but it was never an option for them. All I could do was not let the voices of the world bring me down, I had to rise up above this, there were times I felt like the Lord had betrayed me, why didn't he keep his promises? The Ultimate betrayal came when my mom did not believe me, I went back to church leaders and begged them for help, they too confronted my dad in hopes he would admit to what he had done, I'm sure hoping like I was that this could be fixed and the family could be whole again. This went on for a period of years, still no admittance I could not allow my children to be subject to the possibility of abuse, I wanted this cycle to stop with me. My mom refused to have a relationship with my sisters and I if we would not have one with her husband. These years in my life were the hardest years of our marriage, Eric was supportive and loving but still I felt like there was something I did wrong, something more I could be doing. Over the years my mom would send birthday cards to my kids, and I always told them they could call her and tell her thank you or send her a letter to thank her, but like most kids their loyalty was to me and they chose not to. One day a letter came from my mom that was disturbing and hurtful to me, and a part of the letter said that if I had truly forgiven him that I would be able to accept my father back into my life like nothing had ever happened. I took the letter to my church leader President Lesueur, he asked us to pray and fast and he would do the same, then we reported back to him in a few days. When I walked into his office the 2nd time he took me in his arms and with tears in his eyes he told me that he believed me, he believed all I had told him, he gave me a blessing, I walked away from that blessing knowing I had done all I can do to help my family be whole, I knew it was not up to me anymore. Peace came over me like I had never felt in my life.
I was finally seeing what Heaven sees in me, I was finally starting to understand that part of the Father lives in me, that if I continued to live on the path I was living all of those blessings HE promised me would be mine. I know I am a woman of great worth, with a divine nature, pure and holy being blessed everyday with a wonderful family, they absolutely know the truth of my life.
Almost two years ago my dad died, I went to hospital to be with my mom, all my kids came with me not knowing what to expect none of them had seen or talked to my mom or dad in over 18 years in fact my parents had never seen Haleigh , I admit I did not know what to expect I only knew what my Heavenly Father expected of me and that was to try, to try and help my mother who was in need and that maybe, just maybe this would be the time to work out a life time of mis-understanding and be able to do as the Savior has asked us to do FORGIVE. I had forgiven my dad years ago and was so happy that just 6 months before he died I had sent him an email to let him know I had forgiven him and hoped he was happy. My mom could still not get passed all the hurt she has felt over the years and was not ready to move forward, all I know is that I was not willing to go backwards. Although we have not spoken since the day after the hospital visit, I know I did the right thing and the Lord was with me guiding me as to what to say and how to act. 5 weeks later my birth father died and I spoke at his funeral.
Now I look at all this and I see the Lord has kept HIS promise to me, I promised to follow in Gods way as a young teenager, and HE promised to get me safe from the pain I was in , there was a time in my life that I strayed a little, at the time I did not understand my worth in his eyes, now I know without a shadow of a doubt HE looks down on me and still stands to those promises as long as I keep mine, be worthy, kind, and obedient I will continue to be blessed.