--I WANT MY WIFE BACK--

First,  before I start on today's excitement, I have not been able to blog for awhile, not because of the neuropathy, because this is a sacred place I like to come, to get real with my feelings and come to a higher ground of healing--I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the new me--I don't like it--I feel like everything that has lead up to this moment was supposed to prepare me, but it hasn't and I feel like a failure in so many ways--with this being said I want to lead up to today's events.

 May 16th -Eric's birthday--I called and asked him to please NOT come to the hospital, I wanted him to spend some time with the family and grand kids--do something fun--being at the Mayo Clinic AGAIN is not fun--he had a hard time agreeing with this--but I insisted.

Ezra and Recker with Grandad on his birthday

I wish I could of been there, but so glad to get this picture text over to me--I love these little guys and really miss them.  Eric was able to go to dinner with the kids and have a great time with the grand kids.

Saturday May 17th

Today, Eric brought me home from the hospital--as happy as I am to be home--I am still drugged up, and cannot wait to get myself off of these pain meds.  If I listed the drugs I am "supposed" to be taking it would blow your mind--it does mine--I know they are doing this to keep my pain in control, as it was an extreme pain while we were in the hospital.  So I started out slow taking myself off of them to make sure I was not in any pain what so ever-- I knew I did not want to go through the pain I had originally felt, so have taken every precaution to make sure I am OK.  The 1st couple of days I slept hours upon hours--then tried bit by bit to slowly wein myself from the medicine, today I am completely off of all pain medicine and back to the regimen I was used to before this episode.  We arranged for a home nurse to come in and teach Eric how to administer my antibiotics twice per day trough a picc line in my upper arm.  Every   morning Eric administers my medicine through my picc line--then that evening 12 hours later he does it again.
Last night the home care nurse came by to take blood--it was a difficult take--my picc line was clogged up and it really took her over an hour to pull any blood out it felt as if blood was being pulled from my heart.--and I think she just  barely got what she could.

Today Wednesday May 21st

Eric and I got up early, he has arranged to be with me at this appointment today, and then head to work after. First he had to access my picc line, for some reason it was extremely hard out of one side it clogged up too--so he tried the other side and it was a struggle with him putting all of his weight into it he was able to finally push through.  Once that was done we headed on our way to Mayo Clinic--I looked at myself and told Eric I don't think I have ever left my home looking like this, he didn't see anything wrong with it.  My shirt was wrinkled, I had no make up on, bruises on my face. arms and hands --- I am a mess....simply put.  To walk into Mayo Clinic today was excruciating,  the smells hit me from every direction--I could see the people I passed looking at me as if I had a massive tumor growing out of the side of my face, my thought was...I should of left my sunglasses on, worn a mask and I would look perfectly normal here--when we checked in the receptionists saw my picc line hanging out of my shirt and asked me if I was supposed to be on the 7th floor at the hospital (equal to the 3rd floor on the Shea Campus--ports, picc lines and chemo) I said I have no idea, the lady who called yesterday asked me to come for blood work to be done before my appointment with Dr. Barr's, I assumed she knew it was to be taken from my picc line. She said no, it was to be drawn from a vein on my arm.  I was immediately called into the lab, where she proceeded to find a vein--nope not that one, after several attempts with not enough blood being drawn, she tried one last time in my right hand.  Yay, it worked she was able to get just enough blood, and in the mean time I found out the blood work was being ordered by my endocrinologist who had recently changed my thyroid medicine, and was checking to make sure it was a high enough dose--I suddenly remembered I had that appointment with her a couple weeks ago so she had no idea what I have been through these past couple of weeks, no wonder the lab draw from my arm. As we stepped out into the waiting area, there is always something going on, but today I was not in the mood.  Still a part of me watched as people came in and out, today there were two people who stood out in my mind.  One was a doctor, who came in his scrubs sat down looked around, our eyes met and then he was called back for labs. In the other corner of the room was a man and his wife waiting to see an ENT, I'm assuming when he tried to speak he had to activate his voice by putting his finger on his throat.  I watched him scare the lady off her chair next to him as he leaned in to ask her a question about some video game she was playing, she apologized and he then returned the apology.  This brought  the 1st smile to my face in weeks, why? Maybe because I saw that they too, found humor in it.

We were called  back sat  in a room where we waited for a very long time, but not longer than my appointment was supposed to be, we had just gotten there so early for lab work.  Dr. Barr's came in with his resident Dr. Coursin (Andy) I have been in such a foggy head, the second I saw him I remembered seeing him quite often at the hospital.  A quite familiar face, one I enjoy seeing, he's quite, yet seems to know his stuff.

I told Dr. Barr's I had completely taken myself off of all pain medicine--I think he was surprised, but mainly wanted me to be honest with him as to whether I was feeling the pain or not.  I reassured him and Eric, I am not in any pain, none--and that I am trying to de-fog my brain of all that junk.  He agreed it was OK as long as my pain was gone.  Then he took a look inside my ear--it is really corroded with dried blood, I was hoping they were going to clean that out today--nope he filled it with bacitracin which was like filling my ear with Vaseline, and the hotter it gets outside the more it melts and makes a mess. Then he asked me to come take a seat next to Eric.    He proceeded to tell me exactly what happened to me during my stay at the Mayo Clinic Hotel (Hospital) The nerve that he covered with a graft of skin, within days became gangrene, in other words the nerve died. He gave Eric a picture of it, the flesh around it is healthy, but the nerve itself died--and is now being covered by packing in my ear.
OK, so what is the  next step?  Dr. Barr's begins explaining, he has a team of Doctors available to help in surgery on June 3rd.  There  are some options, minimum go in and cover the nerve with a graft of muscle and wait. Or go in graft over the nerve, have another doctor there to do something with my nerves in my tongue to reposition over to the nerves that are not working in my face.  I'm sure I got some of this wrong--the whole time he was talking I felt like I was in a peanuts cartoon, the teacher is talking but my ears are not understanding--waaa waaaa waaa-- I continue to look at Eric and make sure he is taking notes.  Eric said "I want my wife back, I want her to be HAPPY again" Dr. Barr's said "if you're asking me if the right side of her face is ever going to be the same again, the answer is no, I'm sorry but the nerve is dead, we cannot bring something back to life that is dead.....You need to start loving the wife you have, and forget about her face ever looking the same again"......I could feel the tension, Eric did not know how to respond except "I never said I didn't love my wife, I just want to see her happy again"  "She needs to learn to love the new Monya, I was fond of the Monya you and I used to know, but I also like the new Monya" When he left the room for a moment, Eric and I looked at each other, with questions what should we do next? are we being hasty to make a decision?  Actually, just the opposite we looked at each other said we are not making any decisions today, we are going to wait, pray as a family and make a decision when we are ready.  I know with nerves there is a window of opportunity and we do need to make decisions, however, not today, not now, please.

 Fighting back tears, trying once again to be BRAVE--I think I have finally gotten to a point where I am ready to say "why?" I've done all that I've been asked to do, everything Dr. Kreymerman, Magtibay, Northfelt and now Barr's has asked of me.  I have lived a life worthy of feeling joy, I know my tears are not meant as a surrendering but I'm tired, this pain is not going away, and I'm not talking about the physical pain, this pain comes from deep within me--it makes me question everything I know to be true, everything I have preached to my children to live by--but I also believe there are times when life throws  us into storms that are unexpected, and it's at those times we are forced to face our deepest pain--it is then that we have to dig deep and decide if the pain is worth it, I know this life gives us disappointments and HARD things come.  I have been forced my entire life to stand up, be BRAVE, put on my big girl panties and move on.  Today, I'm not there--I just want to cry and I deserve to cry until every drop has left my body--

After leaving Dr. Barr's office, we headed up to the infusion floor, 7th floor at the hospital this is where the chemo is infused.  The antibiotics I am being infused twice a day are very strong, and cause my body functions to not work as well as I am used to--I spent a bit of time int he bathroom, several different times while waiting to called.  Eric took care of checking me in and getting out beeper and I positioned ourselves in chairs we could see the outside mountains, dessert and sunshine.  My mind kept thinking about Dr. Kreymerman, most of the time I look forward to these visits knowing I will be able to see him and Heather, even have lunch with them in between appointments.  Today, Heather is not available for hours. I'm nauseous taking in the smells of this floor, this hospital where I was just discharged from last week--it's more than I can handle--just when I close the door on this place it let's itself back in, for some reason it enters my life uninvited.  I let you go, but you find me again, I'm not stupid you take over my heart piece by piece, I can't help but wonder how many times I can pick up these pieces and start over again.  I watched as a nurse came and got Shirley, pushed her back in the wheelchair asking her if she was ready for her IVIG infusion today?  What kind of question is that? Who the heck say's "Hell yeah, I'm ready let's go it's a party back here?"  My thoughts went to Sonya, my sister she gets IVIG infusions once a month just like Shirley, Sonya has always been so brave, and faced the storms with integrity, I love her and look up to her so much, for many years she has been the matriarch for me--and now even she cannot calm this storm I feel raging up inside of me.

This is not just a passing through, this one is BIG, just as soon as I feel like I'm in a good place and can move forward,  like I've let this go, it always finds me again. --my soul is feeling like a resting place--- I can't handle anymore--my body is not a place of dwelling, I wish I could say the tears release my pain  but in so many ways  I feel like I am constantly learning to breath again and again,  this time this is more than tears, it's the sobbing, not wanting to be left alone I can't handle...yet at times wonder if that is my answer--I'm sorry this is so real and raw. I know God did not make my body to be a place to constantly feel this pain. I wonder how long do you intend on staying this time?  The depression and despair, the VILLAIN taking on a different name.

 I watched as plenty of people came in and out of the infusion unit today, some bald, some carrying their chemo packs on their backs in a backpack--I was trying every way I could to have a pitty party, then someone else would step off that elevator and give me a new perspective--a man with one leg, being pushed in a wheelchair by a not so patient wife, or husband and often wearing an oxygen tank.  It took quite a while  before we were called back, but finally a cute young well qualified pcc line technician took us back into a room, she could not access it and had to put some medicine in the line and asked us to come back in an hour.  We went down the elevator I just wanted some fresh air.  I heard over the loud speaker a "code blue" at the entrance of Mayo,  seriously? Could anything else happen today that would push me over the edge?  Right in front of us we watched a woman take her last breath, they worked as hard as they could, I watched and wished it was me. What a hell of an exit--drop down at the entrance of Mayo Clinic on your way to your car, take your last breath and be done, done with Mayo, done with pain, done with having to make medical decisions.......Today, I have no grace left in me, no patience, no remorse, no regrets, no feeling.

Eric was waiting for me in the cafe, he wanted to grab a bite to eat--none of this looks good, so I'll  have bit of everything-- grilled cheese, tomato and arugula sandwich, hot dog (something I never order) minestrone soup and a white chocolate raspberry bundt cake--none of  these were eaten--just itty, bitty bites--As I walked outside to find the perfect table, I glanced over and saw Tony Mendez PA to Dr. Barr's he didn't even recognize me.....I always said "since I've done away with sugar, processed foods and white flour, per Dr. Northfelt's request, if my cancer comes back, my final meal will be filled with all of the above" however, today showed me the exact opposite--none of this looked good to me, none of it tasted good, everything I eat tastes like metal--this is from the infusions of antibiotics I am getting, I want to throw up every time I try to eat--and it mirrors so much of how I felt going through chemo.  If I am honest I can say I would much rather be sitting in front of Dr. Northfelt having him tell me...those exact words "your cancer is back"  at least with cancer it was difficult to go through but the VILLAIN did not win, in fact I really hate when people say "she or he lost their battle to cancer" no they didn't, most people who go through cancer treatments come out on the other side of it a better person, a stronger person given a chance to redeem themselves and help others to do the same.  This thing with the nerve in my face, I feel is not going away--I'm not sure how I can recover from this.  I feel like I have a load so heavy I can hardly breath right now--my strength is gone,  I'm weak--I don't think all of my life I have ever felt this emptyness I'm feeling now. I've asked friends and family to pray for me, to ask the Lord to heal me, or to give me strength to endure whatever is coming next.....how many times do I need to do this? Oh geez, I know the answer to that before even finishing that sentence. This a world we live in where nothing is certain, but I know this--HE LOVES ME-- and ---EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON--However, today, right now, I don't want to hear that, I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm angry.

 After we finished up my picc line on the the 7th floor, we were given the green light to go home--I ran to the elevator, got off on the 1st floor and ran past the piano player, as I passed the area where the lady had just passed away less than an hour ago, I glanced over looked at the people sitting in the chairs surrounding that area and said to Eric "I wonder if that guys knows and angel got her wings today, less than an hour ago, exactly where he is sitting" and then I ran as fast as I could to the car I mean I was like a bull trying to get out of the pin--Eric said "sweetheart, you really need to keep your voice down while you're walking or running through the exit"

This has been a very difficult week, looking in the mirror I am a different person--my face has partial facial paralysis, been told it is permanent--I don't want to look in the mirror--this is much worse than when I looked at my breasts for the first time after my mastectomy, at least then I could cover them up, have them fixed, and the baldness was hard but it never defined me--it grew back.  Yes, this is much worse... how can I continue in this body looking like this?  So many will say "but your alive" or like Dr. Barr's said to me today "but you have your eyesight" those words pierce my heart right down to my soul--I know those are supposed to be inspiring and help me to move forward-but right now I need to process  what happened today.

Celebration

Today, is a good day--my new friend rang the bell for his last radiation treatment--whoo hoo.  When I walked into the waiting area and saw all the blue balloons and people, it put a smile in my heart, they were all there for him.  There is something beautiful about having loving, supportive people in your life.  For cancer patients it gives them HOPE, and FAITH in their future, that love is what gets them through one more round of chemo,  one more port access, another day of hovering over a toilet.  For me, I love  to have family around, keeping connected with them gives me pleasure, and I just want to cultivate it while I can,  enjoy every moment I have.   I will forever look at family and close friends differently than I ever have in my life.

As I sat and watched and observed this huge support system he has, it reconfirmed to me how vitally important it is to nurture good relationships,  be kind to everyone who is in your life, and those who are passing through, tell the people in your life how much you love them, how much you appreciate them.   Hold on to good memories and cherish the happy times.  What a happy time for this guy and his family.  I KNOW he will remember this day and hopefully it will bring him comfort on a day when he feels alone or scared--Thank you for inviting me to share in this moment with you and your loved ones.

I didn't choose the VILLAIN it chose me

Dr. Michele Halyard and Dr. Schuster

Today I had an appointment with my radiation/oncologist Dr. Michele Halyard. It was a follow-up from radiation, the purpose of the appointment was just to check and make sure my skin was healing properly and to see about my side-effects. She said I am healing very well and that the side effects that I am experiencing are normal ... mostly fatigue, insomnia and a lot of anxiety. I still have this lingering head ache it's been 6 days now she said it was not related to the radiation, so I need to contact Dr. Northfelt. I am not a huge fan of the anxiety, I am so amazed at the amount of pain, stress and fear my body has gone through this past year. The human body is an amazing thing, well actually I think the human mind is amazing. Keeping a positive attitude can help you to heal, I am a firm believer of that. I have tried so hard through this journey of mine to remain calm and relaxed, but there have been times (more than I like to admit) that I have broke down and lost it. The anxiety that I am feeling now is related to some upcoming surgery and treatments. The thoughts of recurrence continues to be on my mind, it's really sad but during the past 10 months there has not been one minute of any day that I have not had some thought related to the VILLAIN.
This morning I was home alone and broke down crying as I looked at myself in the mirror, where am I? why am I allowing this awful VILLAIN to take over my life and define me right now? I've been really fighting it, but I think because of the recent public embarrassments I am feeling insecure about myself. Today Eric and I were at SUBWAY eating lunch and I told him about what happened when Haleigh and I were bike riding, he became emotional with big tears in his eyes. It's hard for me to see him cry, I don't want anyone to cry for me, especially not Eric or my kids. I asked him why he was crying he said "I feel so bad for you, I don't ever want someone to treat you badly, I just love you so much" and I love him so much it hurts to see him hurting.
I was trying to run my fingers through my hair this morning, trying to find a different look with what little hair I have. I am now sporting about 1/2 inch of hair and there is not much I can do with it yet. My breasts still hurt and they are not the prettiest things you have ever seen, but this is my new life I didn't choose it, I wouldn't of chosen it but for some reason it chose me and I have a responsibility to learn from it and make my life better than it was before. Somedays are harder than others, tonight I am grateful for the people in my life who love me no matter what. I LOVE YOU.

Last Day Of Radiation

I finished radiation, it was so hard to say good-bye to the staff in the radiation department. I have never met people who are more compassionate and kind, what a wonderful experience it has been to know that 5 days a week for 6 weeks I knew I was going to be greeted by people who genuinely care and understand. This staff treated me more like a friend than a patient, I loved them all.
There is something not right about radiation though, I'm not quite sure how it works, meaning that when I go into the room and they get me all situated they leave the room and shut the huge metal door so they don't get radiated... huh? how can that be good for your body? kinda weird how it works. I'm sure if they had a special light to check the levels of radiation in your body mine would like up like a christmas tree. At Mayo they call us the GLOW club... seriously??
My skin is so sunburned, well actually radiation burned ha ha.... I thought I would make it through without getting burned... what was I thinking? Under my arm where the lymph nodes were radiated feels like I have a 2nd degree burn and my breast is also burned and swollen. The last 2 weeks it has gotten worse, the swelling is weird ... when I put my arm down I can feel my breast on my arm..... ladies if you have no boobs and you thought you wanted melons .... you don't, I'm still not sure why Heidi Montag would want to change her cute body, I heard her say on a 20/20 episode that she wants to now go from a F cup to a G cup..... ewww that makes me sick .... I don't think any of us realize how much we take for granted.
On the last day of radiation Patients are encouraged to ring the bell so everyone knows it is your last day, and I did, I rang is loud and long.
Ringing The Bell

Saying Goodbye was Hard I will miss them


Ready For Radiation

Radiation/Oncology Building

Mayo Clinic Scottsdale Campus
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Muscles have Memory

Going into this 3rd week of radiation I am starting to feel the side effects of it. The fatigue is weird, it feels like something is not right in my head,like my equilibrium is off and my head is fuzzy. Fatigue is different than being tired.
I am still dealing with the neuropathy in my legs but I think I have learned to just live with it for now. When I am through with radiation I can see a naturalpathic doctor. Eric contacted one that he knows and he said it is best to wait because most Naturalpathic doctors use alot of antioxidants, while in radiation I was told to not use any antioxidants or vitamins. The way it was explained to me is that during radiation all of my cells are being zapped, the good and the bad, if I am feeding the good ones with antioxidants it will interfere with the radiation therapy.
Yesterday I started back at the gym, I took a cycling class. Tonight when I finished cylcing I could feel that my muscles were remembering my workouts a year ago. I am told that muscles have memory. As I cycled tonight I got a little teary eyed I hope I am able to continue through my radiation. The radiation techs told me to take it slow and not to over do it. That is so hard, all my cycling friends were there on the same bikes, in the front row. I got on that bike right next to all of them and had a hard time not taking off and pushing myself. I was cycling 2 classes a day, plus either a weight class or another cardio class usually two-two and half hours a day 6 days a week, as much as I want to be able to do all that again, I know it will take time and I have to listen to what my body is telling me. I promised my doctor I would stop if I get too tired and fatigued. I think he felt like he was tired of me asking "can I go back to the gym?" So for now I am taking it slow and trying to be grateful for what I CAN do, and not focusing on what I CANT do.

Relay For Life 2010

My sister Sonya organized TEAM MONYA. This is the 1st year I have ever participated in this event. Everyone of my children have been apart of Relay for years but I never really knew what it was about until tonight. It was an emotional night for me and so many survivors of the VILLAIN. The night began with all the survivors making the 1st lap around the track, I walked with Dena Weech, a friend of mine from my ward she is a survivor of non-hotchkins lymphoma for 5 years now. As Dena and I walked we had a conversation about this VILLAIN that both of us know all too well. I told her that I am realizing that VILLAIN victims are in a society of their own, no-one can understand that society unless they are a victim to it, and breast cancer patients also in a world of their own, I feel their pain and know the anxiety of losing breasts to the VILLAIN. I also know that the way I feel right now, if I were to be told the VILLAIN is taking over other areas of my body I would not do this fight again, yes you heard it right, I would give up, I can't do chemo again ..... however, Eric made a good point to me when he said "I know you, you would fight again, it's like having a baby, no-one ever thinks about having another baby right after they have one" I agree, right now it's all too fresh, I remember the pain and the sickness and since I am still in treatment I guess I should not be too eager to say what I would do.
Last night I met so many survivors who have fought and won their battles, they have been free of the VILLAIN for years and years, going through this it's easy to get discouraged when you hear about the ones who fought and lost their battle. I think the stories that touched me the hardest were the children who have become victim to this awful disease. Knowing what I know about the VILLAIN I don't ever want my children to experience this like I have, and to see such young children was heart wrenching, as a mother it would be so difficult to watch your child suffer. I wonder how Heavenly Father could watch his SON suffer in the garden for all of our sins and pains, HE must of wanted to take away HIS SONS pain. It makes me think ..... besides all my fellow breast cancer patients, HE is the only other who understands, truly understands our pain HE felt the pain of neuropathy, the sickness of chemo and the fatigue of radiation. This is comforting, I can't explain it but I am overwhelmed knowing that when I pray for peace and for hope HE gets it, HE knows me and what I am feeling, when I can't explain my fears to anyone HE understands, I know Heavenly Father would love to take away my pain, but HE can't this is my journey, and I have learned so much about myself, our family has had so many blessings come because of and in-spite of the VILLAIN.

5th day of Radiation

Today was my 5th day of radiation. Yesterday and today Eric was off so he went with me. The radiation technicians took him back and showed him all the machines and let him watch while they radiated me .... he said it was really interesting. While Eric was there he was talking to Chris (radiation tech) who was with me everyday this week, come to find out they have a mutual friend. I have to say that the technicians who work with me everyday are the nicest, most compassionate people I have met at MAYO. Finishing this 1st week of radiation has been therapeutic for me .... I think I have been really anxious.
My skin is a little red, but I was told by the technicians that the side effects will not really be seen until after the 2nd week. Right now I am feeling so much better, I have put some fears aside and I am ready to conquer this radiation mile-stone.
I am so looking forward to Haleigh getting home on Sunday. She has been gone for 10 days doing Humanitarian work in Guatemala. Eric and I have missed her so much ... she really lights up our home when she is here. I told her a couple of weeks ago she is not allowed to go to school out of Arizona, I am sure of that decision now. I have heard some parents say they can't wait until all the kids are out of the house, but I don't feel that way at all .... I miss the hussle and bussle of life when they are here, and I miss the friends who come to visit when they lived here. If I had my way they would all live in Arizona.

I want my life back

This is going to be raw and really honest right now ........ not that I haven't been honest all along, everything in my blog is for the purpose of journaling. I want to be able to look back and remember everything I have been through, also for my posterity to be able to learn from my experiences. I was told right after I fond out about my VILLAIN, that someday my son who is serving a mission in the DR will want to read this journal and understand all that has happened while he was serving the LORD, maybe he will understand more about the blessings that have actually come to our family while he was gone. I also wanted to journal exactly what happens to breast cancer patients, I have looked back already and read some of my entries, especially when I needed to know about side effects or something a doctor has told me.
So hear goes.....
I have not slept more than a couple of hours since Sunday night. I have been throwing up and my stomach aches, I also lost 7 pounds, I'm not completely sure why. It is the worst feeling to stare at the ceiling fan all night just waiting for the sun to rise, 3 nights in a row. I'm not sure I can do that again, I might just go crazy in my head. Since I started radiation I have been really depressed and lonely, feeling like WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END. This morning I layed with Eric on the sofa watching Recker laugh, still there is something inside of me that is scared. I did not want Eric to go to work, I miss him when he is gone the house is so quiet and I feel sad. When Eric left for work this morning I was crying, I told him I WANT MY LIFE BACK, he hugged me and told me that I am almost done, keep fighting, and that he loves me.
When I went to radiation today they happened to also have on my itinerary a visit with the Oncology Social Worker, her name is Patrice Al-Shanti. I was told she was going to talk to me about the different programs that are offered to VILLAIN patients at MAYO. In my mind I though, "great .... I'll sit and listen maybe something or someone else can help me today" When she entered the room she shook my hand and introduced herself. She explained to me that she is there to talk to anytime I need, she had my file and knew so much about me and my life, she even said to me "I love your blog" I was surprised that she had read my blog. I told her exactly how I have been feeling the past couple of days, we discussed how much I have grown through this journey, but she explained to me that what I am feeling right now is NORMAL, almost all VILLAIN patients experience this depression and anxiety after they are finished with chemo, we want our lives back the end is on the horizon. When I started chemo I was ready for a fight l put all my fears in the back of my head and did what I had to do, now that its over and I am feeling better I want life to be normal again, but its not normal.
She told me I need to get things on my calendar, lunch with friends, go to a movie, start working out again ....... WHAT? wait slow down a bit, I can workout again? That put a smile on my face .... she said maybe go for a walk, get on the treadmill start slow, I am still going to deal with the neuropathy and I know I will not be at the pace I was a year ago but still this is good news to me .... I know I'm weird I love to workout, most people hate it, but for all my life it has been something I enjoy. I was given a CD called Healthful Sleep, it is guided imagery with music to help you sleep, OK never done this before but it is worth it to get a good nights sleep, I'll try anything.
So there you have it.... I am Normal, I have fears, I don't always have to be the strong one, it's OK to feel what I am feeling, it's OK to cry uncontrollably and it's definitely OK to want my life back.

1st Radiation Appointment

I entered the Mayo today wondering what was ahead of me. Waiting for my name to be called I talked to a woman who was waiting on her husband who was having his radiation treatment. Her daughter also had breast cancer 2 years ago, she talked about how her hair grew back curly and beautiful, it has been so long since I have had hair I wonder how long it will take, and what it will look like? As my mind wondered off I heard my name over the loud speaker... my stomach turns and I get up to meet Chris, he will be with me in radiation today. After getting my gown on I was taken to a huge room, in the middle of the room is a table connected to an incredibly big machine. I now have 5 tattoos the size of freckles where they will radiate. My right arm is up above my head, it is painful, I have not had my arm above my head for that long of a time since before my mastectomy.
The technicians set up my body so that all the beams would radiate exactly where they are supposed to and I am told not to move. When the lights went out and the technicians left the room I felt like I was in a Sci Fi movie, the huge round machine above my head moves and makes noises, red and green beams penetrate my breasts. The technicians come in and out rearranging the machine and continuing to tell me not to move. The machine rotates completely around my body, the beams radiate each spot a few times, when it was all over I had been in the same position for 40 minutes and it was difficult to straighten out my arm and get off the table. My chest and face feel hot and now are red.
On my drive home, I was contemplating all that I have been through so far and what is ahead of me, my life has changed that's for sure and it will never be the same. I have been really studying and trying to learn more about HOPE, not really completely knowing what HOPE was until now I think I have a better understanding of it. HOPE is trusting that the LORD will fulfill HIS promises to you. When you have HOPE, you work through your trials with confidence, patience and optimism. HOPE helps me to overcome discouragement.