Different Not Less

IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH CURSE WORDS...DON'T READ THIS!!

Boy oh Boy, where to start.  The past 24 hours has been....well it's been eye opening.  1st off my book is well on it's way to being published.  I'm waiting now on little things like copyrights. This book writing stuff is serious business...not what I expected.

She's so cute, I love Weslie 

So yesterday I posted a picture of my new grand baby Weslie and I on Facebook. It was hard for me to post because of the way my face looked.  I take a look at myself everyday in the mirror,  I know what my face physically looks like. Most of the time I'm ok with the new look. I know doctor Lettieri is working hard to help me fight time with the nerve.  Realistically I'm completely aware my face will never, ever be the same but I find joy in the little changes I have been able to accomplish.  Sometimes I look at myself and feel sad or disgusted with what I see.  Then I tell myself I am beautiful, tell my lip to "move damn it" and go about my day.

When I got brave and posted an authentic picture of myself with Weslie, my mouth was not cooperating, neither was Weslies.  She had a crooked smile like mine, so I posted it with a sassy comment about she and I having the same smile.  Maybe I was trying to make other people feel better about what I knew they were seeing too.  I'm not sure but it was a monumental moment for me to finally be able to see it and say it like it is, I never want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me.

A man commented saying and I quote "You look like you're shitting yourselves" (excuse me I couldn't think of any other way to put it)  I'm so glad no one was here to see the reaction on my face when I realized what he wrote....I had to look at it several times to make sure I had read it correctly. I left my laptop went to the mirror and smiled, yep that's what people see! For the first time I was faced with the hurtful words of my reality.

I know the world can be a cruel place to live, but in my world I don't react the way this man did.  I was shocked and read it over and over again-then I cried, I cried like a baby.  I picked up the phone and called my sister Sonya, she of course thought I had been diagnosed with something new or perhaps someone I knew had died; that's how hard I was crying.  She soothed my pitiful heart, we hung up and I cried some more.  My friend Frank Filliapone text me a few wonderful accolades of kindness, to help me through the tears.  Danny Jones called at either the perfect time or the worst time possible....should I answer or not?  I did and tried to be a-ok, but again I started to sob. He was simply adorable and comforting with his words of encouragement. My friend Liz Decker text me too.  Then I had a Nerium meeting at my home, one that I have every Monday night.  I, again had to put on a 'happy' face and pretend everything was ok.  Inside I was dying, I couldn't stop thinking about every person in that room-what they see when they look at me.

On the playground as a child we heard "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" While this was a good childhood defense mechanism, words can and do hurt.  Sometimes the words said can linger long past the healing time of wounds of cuts and broken bones. Words can also cause pain that my never go away. They create an invisible scar that delicate people carry around their entire life. It's been proven that painful words can cause a lifetime of anxiety, anger, resentment and stress.  

In today's society we unfortunately live in a world much different than when I was a child. Social media is where the mean people can hide and sneak out every once in awhile to strike like a snake with venomous words. Sadly, it's not just children who suffer from cyber bullying and they don't just use name calling like we witnessed on the playground.  The internet and texting is used to hide behind, there now is a power people have to use hateful words they wouldn't dare to utter to someone in person or on the playground.  Some of the words are so hurtful and cruel they cause children and adults who have bright futures to turn to suicide to help escape the bullies.  

On the other side of the coin, the bright side, social media can also be used to spread messages of peace, love and happiness to the world. Kind words and posts on the walls of Facebook supporting one another, loving each other from afar can be supportive and actually nurturing to help people feel good about themselves.  We have the power within ourselves to build people up.  So often, people say something without thinking, I too have done this. Believing what we are saying is justified or they believe what they have to say is right or they think what they have to contribute is helpful.  

Sometimes silence is golden. "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."  Choosing words of kindness and sincerity are beautifully powerful. I'm not sure about you but I want to spread happiness.  Honestly, there are times I want to slap someone, I want to give them a piece of my mind; but I've learned through having life threatening scenarios happen in my life; those things just don't matter.  The person matters, however my opinion does not, and it doesn't do anything but open up a huge can of worms.

When I walk away, give myself some time to process and connect my head with my heart I believe I walk away a better person.  I learned something from this message yesterday, no matter how much I try to spread happiness there are always going to be serpents I cannot kill, but I can learn from it, remember how it felt and never ever do that to someone else.

Blaise Pascal said "Kind words do not cost much. They never blister the tongue or lips. They make other people good-natured.  They also produce their own image on men's souls, and a beautiful image it is."  I choose to be someone who tries to make a beautiful image, one that unfortunately is not going to be a physical beauty, it is a beauty that will come from within me.

Both Liz and Danny left me with these words, go and write down as many things you can think of that you are grateful for.  I did that, and it helped it really helps because I have so much more to be grateful for than I do to be worried about.  The words of an obvious person who needs and desires attention through the expense of other people is really sad and sucked a lot of quality time out of me, time I could have spent on uplifting someone else.

I realized today, like my two grandson's with Autism we are different, not less.

Girls Road Trip to Los Angeles --- kind of

I'm a woman of infinate worth

Another night of insomnia, I cannot stop thinking about The Wentworth Family tonight.  Our girls danced together for years, Darbie and Sierra have always had a special place in heart, especially offering their personal prayers for me when I need or needed them. As I knelt to pray tonight, I asked God to wrap his arms in and around their hearts, comfort them with His love.  I have  perfect knowledge that their son Buddy is being watched over and taken care of, he is in a peaceful place that is nothing like earth, and he will be with his family again.

I recently received this bookmark from a dear friend, who I admire and love for her strength and love of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  She too lost her son, it just never seems fair that a child should go to Heaven before their parents.  Living in this world we face so many challenges, and what makes it all worth it is knowing the Savior died for us, we have knowledge of the Atonement.  We hear all the time "The Lord never gives us trials we cannot endure"  I have had some bumps along the way, especially in the last few years, but I am grateful the Lord knows I could not handle losing a child or grandchild.  I'd rather take on any pain or heartache to keep my children and grandchildren safe from harm.

I love this...Thank You Carla Kelly. I see this everyday
when I read and it reminds me of great promises.

Even when we are feeling broken, we are loved.  It's hard to heal from a tragedy like this, but the hands of mercy and grace offer us a peaceful feeling of HOPE and FAITH in something bigger than ourselves.  I know I am loved, I know He is aware of me and I know what I need to do to return with honor to Him and live with my family forever. There is a reason we are all here on earth, we are all children of infinite worth, and we are part of His eternal plan, we may not always understand what that means, but as we discover His unconditional love for us as individuals we start to understand just how hard it is for Him to see us suffer, we are His children.  I know I've had to turn to the Lord for peace on days when I have not wanted to be here anymore.  Searching your soul and finding out who you are, I mean the REAL authentic person you are, has been more fulfilling to me than any one thing I have learned in the past 51 years.

Love One Another

I've been in Ohio for 5 weeks now, next Thursday I will be going under the knife again.  I realized  how much I need the Lord to bless me and watch over me.  I go to Him in silent prayer most of the days now, I don't have a lot of privacy, and I think it's been really good for me to be here with Diana, she's been a great source for me, as my nurse she needed to come to give me infusions every 12 hours.  We were under the impression I would have to get lab work done and see another doctor for clearance.  We did all of that last week, and I really should of just come home so I could see Eric and the kids.  For some reason I was not thinking straight, Diana suggested we go stay with her family who lives one hour and 1/2 away.  This would save us some money and get me out of the hospital environment.  It truly was a great distraction. Her sister and brother in law are empty nesters, it was a beautiful quiet home I could rest, read and have some quiet time.  Although it was awkward at first, I soon found out Angela and John are down to earth people, but also a very Christian Catholic family. This brought me relief, knowing I would be able to read my scriptures every morning, especially for preparation for my surgery on Thursday.

Diana and her sister Angela come from an Italian family, they love deeply, and laugh loudly--very loudly.  I think I will miss that the most when we part from each other once I am home, but I hope we will be able to keep in contact through texting and calls.  These people didn't know me, they didn't have to take me in for a week, they had choices, but they chose to show Christ like Attributes by opening their home to me.  I'm sad I didn't get a picture of John before I left, he and Angela were leaving to see their son daughter in law and new twin grandchildren in Columbus,  John did not get home before we left.  They truly are wonderful people, I felt like home and did not have one panic attack.

My new friend Angela--Thank you XOXO

Today we drove back to Cleveland to be closer to the Cleveland Clinic, we are within walking distance and it a lot less money, and actually a better hotel.  Tomorrow I am planning on going to a Cleveland ward, there is one within 1 mile of here.  Then we may drive to see the Kirkland Temple.  I can't risk catching the flu or getting a cold, so wearing a mask is mandatory when going to church or crowded areas.  I have had a great week--mentally trying to get prepared for surgery is always a quiet time of processing for me......I've decided no matter what the outcome of this surgery is I choose to be happy, I will not let this define who I am.  I have a great family who loves me, and been blessed with amazing friends who will not be embarrassed to be with me--I've tried to keep it light, not get to carried away with the facial paralysis, because the doctors are going to do the best they can, I have faith in them and they are very confident I will have great results.

  I never thought I would ever feel this way but I'm looking forward to getting this over with and getting home to my family.  I miss them more than I ever thought I could.  My grandchildren are growing through Face time Ezra looks so big and tall, Recker too, he came up to the phone and kissed me today.....I cried....then Ezra wanted to kiss me too.....I cried more.  Kayla was so sweet to follow them around the house with the phone so I could see what they were doing. Ezra is getting so smart, his daddy has been teaching him all sorts of things. He knows where his toes are, his eyes, nose, mouth and ears.  He also growls loud when you ask him "what does the Lion say?" He blows kisses, and knows how to throw away his diaper all on his own.  I sang Recker a song, its one I've sang to him since he was a newborn, he was intrigued and stood motionless as I sang it.
 I have so much to thank the Lord for, my life will go on, my circumstance may not change, but I am determined to learn something from this.   I will do all the doctor asks me to do and hope and pray the surgery goes well and the doctors hands will be still, and that we will have a great outcome.  Tonight, my thoughts and prayer as I lie down to sleep, help me get a good night rest, and ask the spirit to be with me all week as I prepare for surgery. I have been trying to practice what I preach and put to practice some Christlike Attributes by doing something kind everyday for someone else, even if it's hold a door open, or give a half smile to a person walking by (usually that scares people so I try not to use that one) yesterday I did something very simple, I bought lunch for the lady behind me at Chipolte and she was so happy, surprised and elated.  She decided to pay it forward too.  The world would be a better place if we all could give a little more, it's not necessary for it to be a monetary service.

Opposition in all things makes me a stronger person

Another week of decisions not quite clear--however there have been changes that have been written on my soul.  My heart is forever changed and I will never be the same because of these experiences, sometimes I wonder if it better or worse..Mostly because I know when the storms come in my life they seem to rest and stay ever entwined in my heart until I can figure them out on my own. When I say "on my own" all that means is that I have to come to a higher mountain, much higher than the hills I've been climbing.  So many times I have been down or in despair but this time is the worse I have ever experienced, and forced me to get my knees calloused as I have begged for answers.  Many times I have spent times in my car, crying out loud wondering if I have been abandoned--no answers have come.  Earlier this week I received a beautiful note from a young girl who has come to be a 2nd daughter to us.  I was so touched by the wisdom she offered it brought me to tears, and it was at that moment, she needed to hear from me as well as me hear from her. I have not been able to get this conversation out of my head--It's words I've told myself over and over again, but somehow when I think them, they don't quite seem the same.  I've truly seen and felt the truth of the love our Heavenly Father, he's always there, right there just waiting to see how in tune I am......not quite on the same page this week--but the fact is, I am living proof that modern day miracles happen everyday--he hears every prayer, he knows every struggle--it has to make Him feel sad or disappointed when my complaints come in handfuls.  I imagine He thinks, "I've really out done myself with this young lady, she can't even see the possibilities and strength she has" I know this for sure, we can never enjoy the good in our lives unless we have felt of the bad or the trials that life often times brings.  We can't enjoy joy without living through some life changing events.

I will never deny what I have felt, and some of the experiences I've had this past few weeks are so sacred to me, I will not share them on this blog, but will keep them sacred in a draft for my children to read--maybe it will redeem myself from my last post--(I cussed) sorry about that--it was real and raw, should of given a disclaimer before you read.

I knew my family including my sisters would  be nervous when they read my last post--BTW--I'm not planning on killing myself--just at that very moment-I wished it was me, and I was happy for that lady at Mayo Clinic, don't misunderstand and send me emails as to why I shouldn't write or say what I feel--I am no longer amused nor do I want to be entertained by your negative energy.  I'll say it again, please don't read this blog if you are not willing to listen with an open heart--this is not your journey--it's mine--and as the Lord has created us all different we all have different philosophies of how to deal with life changing events--this is my way and I will not apologize for my feelings, and one more thing, I am a Christian woman,who rarely says anything other than what I'm feeling, this does not mean I don't also have to ask for repentance--EVERYDAY--mostly for the uncomfortable feelings I get when I read your emails of criticism.  With that being said, let me update on this weeks activities.

I began by getting my records from Mayo Clinic, we picked them up....we as in Frenches my driver. I am going to the Cleveland Clinic for my 2nd opinion, the doctor is renown for his facial paralysis reanimation surgery for people like me--when his office received the first batch of records and pictures, they were amazed at what they saw--Debbie, was friendly and more than helpful, and I do need to insert here my friend Diana Lents is the person who knows how to get this stuff done, not only that but she is a nurse and will be able to give me my infusions in my picc line twice a day. If Cleveland Clinic  does not work out with have a connection with a doctor from Baylor and Mayo in Rochester.  I insisted on Eric staying home--I can keep him updated--I don't want to put him through anymore than he has to, especially when he needs to work.  So now that I have read all of my reports from Mayo, I think I understand a little more of what is going on.  A quick synopsis is when I was 3 my eardrum was broken due to a blow to the head, with that trauma came many surgeries as a child.  I was told back then I would never get water in my ear--never did--at age 29 I had a mastoidectomy  removed. From that point on, I was told some repairs were done and I could not go under water--the first time I swam was in the Hawaiian ocean when I was 30 years old.  Skip forward to now, after going through chemo and radiation, mostly the radiation the beams stirred up some weird stuff in my ear.  I went a year ago to see Dr. Barr's, he suggested getting the mastoid out and to possibly do the Baja Implant.  I refused at that time to do it, just because I was racking up some surgeries at Mayo and at that moment I was not worried about it.  Skip now to October of last year, my ear began to drain again I went to see Dr. Barr's it was determined at that point it would not be a good idea for me to wait for surgery--we started on some anti-biotics to see how they may help, on December 10th Dr. Barr's went in and took out the mastoid, at that point he took some skin from my upper arm to create a new eardrum because it was completely blown out too.  I took a 2 month leave from work--everything in my ear looked good, it just was not healing like we wanted it to, I was concerned about infection but was told there was no infection and it had been tested by infectious disease.  I was also given a neurology appointment and consult--nothing. After a couple of months on antibiotics my ear began to heal, in fact they were extremely happy with the outcome.  Still one more surgery on the schedule to get all the debris out and re-evaluate, this surgery was successful but since the doctor in the OR before us went over by 5 hours I had to return for another surgery--even after this one it looked good--Dr. Barr's grafted skin from my upper arm to cover some spots that were beginning to show bone.  Now all was good, I had one week to wait for my follow up, Tuesday the night before my appointment, something popped in the back of my head near my skull , an immense pain took over my body,, and not wanting Eric to worry, I went into a different bedroom and hugged a pillow to scream inside it,  I crawled back in bed next to Eric around 5, I didn't want him to know anything was wrong.  I then drove myself to the Mayo Clinic and was admitted immediately. My face looked like it had palsy, no feeling on the right side, and my speech was off-I also could not raise that eyebrow or smile from the right side. This was on a Wednesday, on Friday I had another surgery--the pictures he showed Eric were nasty--it showed where he had taken more skin to graft around the nerve, but within a few days it had gone gangrene, and partially killing off some of the facial nerves. This is not palsy. Now we are a deciding point, as I visited in length with Dr. Barr's, I didn't like any of his options, and he was open for us to get another opinion, so we are.  I realize there is a window of opportunity for nerves, we are asking the family, close friends and now ward and stake members to pray for me and specifically for me to feel peace with  whatever decision we decide is best.  I want to include all my decisions with the Lord, he has not let me down yet.  With the strength of so many people praying I KNOW an answer will come, one that I will more than likely have to accept and forward in faith hoping I can find some peace--My face will never be the same, but it was never perfect before anyway--I'm ready--well I should say I am ready today and hopeful with all the fasting and prayers going out for me--the spirit will strengthen me to another height and again prepare me for what it is the Lord has in store for me, and what I'm learning will help others, even if it gives them a bit of strength to go on for another day, then do it again and again until life becomes a school of learning and a place where they too can pay it forward.

black dead skin December 10,2013

After 1st surgery in December--impressive staples huh?

January--looks like infection

April 28th Surgery

One week after my last surgery, in for a follow up my face has already began to take on a new look.

THIS IS MY SPECIAL TEXT I RECEIVED THIS WEEK--THANK YOU I NEEDED IT.

Your kids deal with situations like this very differently. Everyone was a mess. Everyone was crying. We all thought this was it. But your kids are also very strong. They get that from their mom. They are very good at keeping face in a tough situation like that. I think everyone just thinks that there is always going to be more time with you. That you'll keep fighting, because you have for almost 5 years now! We all love you so much, there are so many people rooting for YOU. There are still so many people who need to hear your story and feel inspired. You were given another chance a few weeks ago, instead of looking at it like another part of you missing or another surgery, think of it as another chance from Heavenly Father. You get to still be here on earth to see more grand kids, to see Mexico again, to watch your girls get pregnant, to see your sisters, to see more places with Eric, to sell more Nerium!!. I'm sure there were days 4 years ago going through chemo when you wanted to die. But can you imagine if your wish was granted then?? You would have missed all of your kids weddings, Ezra, Paris! I'm sure there were days when you were a little girl that you wanted to die. When the pain of your family wasn't going away. But look at your life Monya. Look at all the precious joys you've been given. Life sucks so bad, but with the bad you get joy in ten fold. I LOVE YOU. PUT ON YOUR FIGHTING PANTS AND KICK BUTT. I know how hard this is for you. You're handling it all so well. You can do it. There are so many people who support you and love you. And who will love you no matter what. You came very close to dying a few weeks ago. So right now the only thing that's going to get you through this is focusing on why you were kept here. And the things that keep you going. So many grand babies you don't have yet. So many things with your kids/adopted kids lives that you can't miss. My heart is so broken that you had to go through yet another trial. I want more than anyone for you to be relieved of the pain and misery. You're here for a reason, you're still fighting for a reason.

I let my big girl panties drop today

Today while I was at work, I could feel my ear draining, trickling out and down my neck--I quickly wiped it off with a tissue, hoping no one would see it.  I don't want to put a cotton ball in it, because it needs air, it needs circulation, I do remember Dr. Barr's saying  "there is no circulation in your ear" which seems weird to me, because most of us move our head quite a bit during a 24 hour day.  I am still trying to process this all.  I am barely functioning, yet I seem to be getting things done.

For a few minutes today I let my big girl panties drop to the floor--I couldn't resist, as much as I tried I just could not wrap my head around saying "yes" to another surgery--I promised myself I was not going to do this again--I'm once again asking, "what do I need to learn?" "What is it that I am not getting?" I have come further than I ever thought I could, I guess when Heavenly Father tells me "you can do it" I just believe I can...and I do it.

Today, I had to walk into Us Airways once again and fill out medical leave forms--legal forms--I despise them, it's such a process and this probably sounds trivial but writting out once again on a form letter--my diagnosis--my estimated days away from work brought me to tears.  I love my work at UsAirways, I love my supervisor Diana, she has been patient, kind and compassionate with me through all of my journey.  Just when I have gotten my trust back in the fact I am  healed and ready to move forward, I get slammed back in surgery once again.  I have had my doubt replaced with truth, my fears have been replaced with trust, I know the Lord takes just what he thinks I can handle, this time I am trusting he will make me all completely healed.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN LAST WEEK

On Monday I headed to Mayo Clinic again, only this time I was planning on driving myself there, since Eric has a meeting on Mondays I didn't want him to miss, he takes pride in his work and loves Jeff Blandford.  I waited to tell him I was having surgery until Sunday night, the night before the surgery.  I told him I had it all worked out and that he could go to his meeting and come to the hospital whenever he was ready.  Sonya called me to ask if I had a ride I told her "yes" because I did, me, I was my driver.  She is too smart she asks too many questions and I couldn't lie, I told her  I was taking myself and one of the kids will come with Eric later and drive my car home, sounds like a good plan to me.  I was also asked by my visiting teachers a few days earlier, Kathi Cluff and Marian Priday if they could drive me, I told them I would contact them if I needed a ride.  I do not like people to drive to Mayo Clinic and sit and wait, and wait--and that is exactly what happened today.
Marian Priday came and picked me up, drove me to Mayo Clinic, we checked in, and waited, finally they called my name I went back and got dressed, IV in and ready with a little extra for my nerves.  Marian then came back and talked to me while we waited, it was 5 hours.  Exactly why I don't like to bring people with me, I hate for them to have to wait.  However, I was so grateful to have Marian there with me, she is not only a great friend, visiting teacher and example of compassion and integrity, she also is pretty dang funny.  She waited until they finally rolled me back to surgery, blew me a kiss and off I went.

Thank You Marian for being with me

My new tattoo? No just the magic marker from Dr. Barr's

Headed off to the OR

When I woke up in recovery Eric was there, he said Dr. Barr's told him because the surgery before mine took too much time, he was not able to do all that he had expected to do.  He basically grafted some skin from my arm again and placed it just inside my ear to help with the bleeding.  He told Eric I will be having another surgery, but not sure when.  I love Dr. Barr's and I am grateful he has been so patient with me and my ear issues, he has not given up yet, we will get it all taken care of eventually.

Walk With Me

I've had another emotionally overwhelming week.  I'm sitting on my bed rubbing medicine over and around the screw on the bone behind my ear, hoping it's enough, hoping when I go to Mayo Clinic tomorrow the implant has done it's job and my skin has adhered to the bone around it enough for me to have the baha placed over the screw and finally I will have some hearing.  My doctor is out of town so I will be seeing his resident, my ear is infected and has not gotten better, one day it will look green and drip constantly, the next day it will look like black mold is growing in it.  

I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, nothing is left to fate.  

The above was written a couple of weeks ago:

I went back to Mayo Clinic, was able to see Dr. Barr's resident.  She did a full examination, cleaned out the ear, pulled some dead black skin from the inner ear, they now have me using no antibiotic but asked me to rub a small amount of ointment just on the inside of the ear. I've been faithfully following directions. Tomorrow I will see the resident again--hopefully some good news.

CJ Udall

Mesa mom says son died trying to save his dog - WFSB 3 Connecticut

↑CLICK ON THE LINK ABOVE TO SEE THE PRESS RELEASE ↑

I've been so proud of Jori and Dwight, my heart aches for them, but spending time with them this week has been such a spiritual experience for me.  My testimony of the Savior and His love for all of His children has been re-confirmed.  This sweet little angel boy touched more lives than he ever knew, it was simple for him he loved people unconditionally.  Just as our Savior does  Oh how I wish I had that kind of love for everyone I come in contact with.

The last couple of days all I can think of is CJ.   There was a time when I was a little girl I tried so hard to touch the stars, I remember laying on the grass in our front yard with my hands stretched as high as I could trying to grasp something, anything I could tangibly touch.  There were times at church I squirmed in my seat trying hard to concentrate on what my primary teacher was trying to teach me.  The older I got, not much changed, except I lived with a quiet ache trying to reach for a truth, desperate to discover something that has always been just out of my reach.  It seemed that Linda and Jami knew what the truth was, I remember one night praying,  a stirring in my heart told me, the knowledge is still yet to come.  Once I felt that special feeling I never wanted to be without it.

Today, as I was remembering those long past days I realized everything I have been learning in this school of life is leading me up to what Heaven is for.

C J is now learning, he is in a school, a Heavenly school, gaining knowledge none of us have, sharing, smiling and finally home where he belongs.  Sometimes we are so desperate to learn it all now, but some of the knowledge is saved, saved for another journey a journey we will gladly take with our Heavenly Family.

CJ Udall-perfect body, perfect mind

Saturday March 15, 2014

What started out to be a beautiful sunny spring day, ended in being a tragic yet spiritual experience for me.  I was in a meeting when I got a text from Kayla saying "Have you talked to Jori? is CJ OK or what is going on?"  "why?" was my reply she said "He's been missing and they pulled his dog out of a canal"  Having no Internet connection I panicked when I text Jori and did not hear back (she always texts back) I left the meeting went home to get more information, then headed straight to Jori and Dwight's home.  When I arrived there were police cars, many many other cars and my heart was pounding as I walked up to her home.  Jori and I have been friends for over 20 years and her husband Dwight and Eric grew up together.  I should also insert here that Eric dated Jori, right before dating me....(long story not pertained to this)
I was greeted by Jori's brother Scott, and Dwight's brother Kent Udall.  It was now that I realized CJ had drown in the canal behind their home.  Last night Jori had a camp out at her home with all the scouts who live in her area.  This morning all the kids were in the pin with the goats laughing and having a great time, when Jori realized CJ was missing--Dwight went out towards Power road looking and yelling for him, Ben, Jori's other son went toward the canal, he yelled for his dad when he found CJ's dog.  Dwight and Jori ran to the canal, Jori hit her knees "yelling, I just want to start the day over, please just let it start over again"  This broke my heart when Kent told me this part.
Jori and I were just at lunch 2 weeks ago talking about how much Recker loves water, and the fear I have of not having a fence around our pool.  This conversation was drowning my thoughts as I walked in to see Jori--she immediately grabbed me and hugged me, I didn't want to cry, I wanted to be strong for her as she sobbed in my arms.  All I could say was "I'm so sorry, Jori, I'm so sorry"  I couldn't help but sob with her.
With the police and investigators still handing around, Jori pulled everyone into her living room, tried her very hardest to be strong and talk to everyone, she explained about the Priesthood and the blessings that come from receiving a Priesthood blessing, she eloquently spoke about CJ, about his testimony, his love for nature, scouting and his family--she invited everyone in the room to stay as her brother gave her a Priesthood blessing. Then Dwight received a blessing from his father Jess Udall.  Dwight then gave his son's Ben and Josh a blessing, I couldn't help but think about when my brother Lance died, I wish I had been offered a Priesthood blessing.  What a difference that could of made in my life as I dealt with his death.  As Dwight gave Ben the blessing, I glanced up at a picture in their home it read We Tend To Seek For Happiness --- a solemn peace came over me, and I cried harder knowing CJ is with his grandfather Carvel Jackson who he is named after--what a grand reunion they must be having--through the sounds of sniffling and tears I could feel this sweet spirit testify to me that HE LIVES -- and now CJ is in a perfect place, with a perfect body.  Dwight talked to us about the day CJ was born, the nurse brought the baby to him and placed him in his arms, even before Jori knew Dwight could see CJ had down sydrome, but as clear as day he heard a voice tell him, "CJ is here for a purpose, protect and watch out for him until the day HE returns to his father in Heaven" he said those words helped him to process what was going to be a life of watching a young boy grow up with challenges
Jori and Dwight raised CJ as if he were just like any typical child, CJ didn't know he had down syndrome.  Just a couple of weeks ago, Jori told me they were at the Cultural Celebration watching Ben practice, when a girl with down syndrome came up to CJ and said Hi, but CJ snubbed her--Jori said she had to have a talk with him about "being nice to the down syndrome kids" CJ didn't like the idea of being nice to a girl, not to mention  one with down syndrome.  I got a kick out of that story, and told Jori she has done such a great job of raising him to be tolerant of everyone.  He knew nothing but compassion and love for everyone he came in contact with. 
My heart aches for them, tonight they will not sleep, right now it's busy, people bringing food, helping fill the void, but when they all leave and the smoke settles I worry about Jori.  CJ was her life, she could not have a conversation without bringing up CJ--she was so proud of him, she loved her time with him, she has become very involved in the scouting world, helping CJ and Ben to achieve their merit badges, and Ben his eagle.
I have never lost a child I can't imagine how I would feel, I know my parents were devastated when Lance died, it was as though he took a piece of their heart with him.  I'm sure Jori will have huge holes in her heart while she processes this trial she is forced to face.  I have heard it said that if all the people we know were brought into a room together to compare trials, most of us would take what we have and be grateful.  Today, as I sat and watched this family mourn the loss of CJ, I felt as if my problems or pains were easy.  The loss of a child is one trial I know the Lord knows I could not handle.  I have so much respect and love for those who have to experience the death of a child, and are able to move forward in faith,  knowing they will again see that child after death.   I'm glad I was able to be a part of the Udall family today, I learned so much from just watching and listening with my heart.  When I try to sleep tonight I will pray for Jori and Dwight, Josh and Ben give them strength and endurance while they try to make sense of a horrible day. I also rejoice that CJ is now with a perfect body, and a perfect mind as he continues on his next chapter and journey.

Cowboy Recker at Angel Acres

I will forever be grateful to this pretty lady Heidi.  I met her Saturday, she is the reason Recker is attending Angel Acres Horse Therapy in Queen Creek.  I love her for responding to one of the blog's I posted about Recker.  I love her for her sweet smile and encouraging words.

To Heidi I want to say this, I was moved in several different ways when I met you Saturday. My heart was pounding when you approached me, I was not sure what to expect as lately  I have been criticized for MY WAY of blogging. There have been many times I have wondered if keeping my blog open to the public is what I want to do, and considered going private so that only my family would have access to it.  If Heidi had not read my blog I doubt Recker would be having the time of his life riding horses every Saturday.  From Kayla and Jeremy they say  thank you also.  We will be keeping Recker at Angel Acres for as long as Marty is continuing to amaze us with her  love and generosity to these children. 

 Heidi has been following my blog for several years, and the things she shared with me on Saturday about my blog and the inspiration she has gotten, filled my heart and was exactly what I needed to hear--I know the Lord intervened --as I have said many times, and I know many of you do not agree with my way of doing things, and that's OK, but this is MY JOURNEY, whether I write about the good times or the bad, I will not be going private anytime soon.  I respectfully ask you not to read my blog or send me your negative and hurtful emails.  I am certainly not a  professional writer, this is just my life and I want my children and grandchildren to know my world, my life,  my understanding and perspective and all the wonderful things it can offer, and the people who they can touch with words of encouragement.  Life is always going to have ups and downs, mountains and boulders to climb, for EVERYONE, we were meant to come to this earth and experience those, whether they be health issues, family struggles, financial etc.....they can and do touch lives, none of us are perfect and I am the 1st to say this about myself. 5 Years ago I would of never shared any part of my past life, now I choose to share, you may not and that is perfectly OK, but please do not hurt me while you are experiencing YOUR JOURNEY. 

 While I am talking about this subject, and I hope this is the last time I have to before I start blocking people-- I have kept so much to myself for so many years this blog has allowed me to heal, to find some peace in my life.  Three years ago I received  emails from 3 different women who were struggling with Breast Cancer, searching the web and found my blog,  the question they each asked me was "how do you have so much faith?" they all wanted to know more about how I choose to worship.  I was able to send the missionaries from the LDS church to these women's homes so they could learn more about what I believe and know to be true.  

One woman was from Oklahoma, one from South Carolina, and the other from New Jersey.  I contacted the missionaries from the LDS church in their areas, all of them allowed the missionaries into their homes to answer questions they had about the LDS religion.  I still am in contact with 2 of the women.  The woman from New Jersey was baptized along with her entire family, a year later went to the Temp;e to be sealed together for time and eternity. I recently received an email from her saying she was called to be the Relief Society President in her ward and her husband is serving in the bishopric, her daughter is active in Seminary and will be graduating and going on a mission at the end of the year. her son is on his mission now.  So the other women didn't get baptized, I love them for allowing me the opportunity to open up my circle of friendships and learn more about what they believe in--I love hearing from people.  I can't even count the many times I have had wonderful people of other religious beliefs ask if they can pray for me, or have even given me blessings, I LOVE IT--we all believe in the same God and have faith in the same God-He hears and answers prayers according to our faith in Him, no matter what or how you choose to worship.

This is the beautiful Heidi-I met her for the 1st time
Saturday--the little guy is Ezra my 2nd grandson

About a year ago I was contacted through my blog by Heidi, she asked me if Kayla and Jeremy would be interested in getting Recker into Horse therapy.  I talked it over with them, and Kayla of course already knew quite a bit about it.  I knew only one friend who has a niece with Autism who had done the horse therapy and she said it was great.  Heidi said there would be a waiting list and she wanted permission to put Recker's name on the list. Quite honestly, I had forgotten about it, until I got a phone call from Marty the woman in Queen Creek who runs this beautiful Angel Acres ranch.  We spoke for quite awhile on the phone discussing some of Recker's sensory issues, and the fact that he is 4 and non-verbal.  Marty assured me she had seen it all, and that Recker was not going to particularly like the helmet but that it is a requirement for all children who ride at Angel Acres.  Here we are a year later and at his 1st lesson, you can see by the pictures he was not a happy camper, he screamed, oh how he screamed.  Jeremy was so patient, with a smile on his face the entire time, so happy and proud of Recker.  I am glad Jeremy was there I think Recker is just about as strong as Jeremy, and did not mount this horse or ride quietly, Jeremy is the ONLY  one who could of kept him from jumping off and running.

Recker was so upset about that helmet

We Love Floyd--so nice and calm with Recker

Recker meeting Floyd--and learning
to brush the hair

Daddy and Recker mounting Floyd 1st time

Angel Acres has a little party every 6 weeks
for the children. Today happened to be
the 2nd (graduation 6th week party) for him.
They have a camera person taking pictures
every week and give the parents this
book filled with the 6 week progression of
Recker.

Today Recker, rides the horse with no one having to ride with him.  He does not cry, he does well with the helmet, in fact has come out of his bedroom with a hat on, so the sensory issues are getting better...well I guess I should say they come and go, but he is loving riding and loving the horses.  He even got to gallop a little this week.  I am so grateful to Heidi for contacting me.

when it's all said and done
Recker and Daddy walk off
holding hands--♥

Dave Cluff

My visiting teacher Marion Priday sent me a text last week asking me if I would like to have a song that Dave Cluff sang in sacrament sung in our home.  Oh, how I love music and was so happy when Dave and Kathi moved back into our ward, he has a beautiful voice.  I asked Marian if we cold do it on a different day, as I was really not feeling good that day.  So Dave and Kathi along with Kathi's sister came over to our home last Sunday and he sang "O Holy Night" It was beautiful, I was touched by the spirit through Dave, and his flawless beautiful voice.   These are the type of people I love to surround myself with, uplifting, faithful, unconditionally loving people.  Eric and I talked about it after they left and we both  agreed it was a selfless move for Dave to leave his family and home and give such a great gift to our family, and leave us with the feeling that all is well.

Before he began to sing he started by asking if we remember Wally and Brian Slade singing this in our Church meetings years ago, we agreed that yes we had and loved it.  Dave then said "this will not be
as good as them, and he laughed: I've always told Debbie and Wally if their children lived in my home I would make them sing for their dinner--but Dave was oh so delicate and beautiful as he sang and I loved every second of it--thank you to the best visiting teachers for suggesting this.

I want to apologize if i offended someone in my last post, I know I did by the comment that was left, so I have decided it is best to make my comments private.  I read it over and over again and I am not sure if the person thought what I was saying was not true, or if they were upset at what the doctor had said, but with that being said you have to remember this doctor was not acting as my doctor I went to him as a friend and he gave me his answer as a friend--I removed his comment and yours.

Thank You to all who have supported me and given me unconditional love and support, and to those who have anonymously left me comments that help me remember my room for error at times.

Monya

Mom's Funeral

My nephew Ronny 

November 19th, 2013 Tuesday
Today, my sisters and I attended the funeral services for my mother.  It's difficult to describe how I felt and feel.  I was drawn closer to her by listening to her cousin, Mary Joyce speak of mom's earlier years, when she was a young girl and teenager.  Mom really never talked a lot about those days, so it was nice to hear and learn the fun, happy side of her life.  I believe all is Holy in the house of God, and I was trying my hardest to feel heaven there.

Linda, Myself and Dottie (Linda's mom)

Linda one of my besties- I love her

Susan and Ron Lundberg (mom's closest friends)

 I am grateful for my friends who supported me and  did not let the influence of "not knowing" my mom keep them from coming to support me.  I needed you there, and I so appreciate Millie we have been friends for 15 years she has no idea of my life before Gilbert, yet because of her Christian spirit she came and loved me through it, she also brought enchiladas to my family for Sunday dinner, she will and always be close to my heart.  Linda my friend from childhood, she and her mother drove far to be here and I will always love Linda for her unconditional love, especially having known my parents, made it special to me to have her there.  Last my dear friend Jenny Ruttinger text me and said "I know this will be hard for you, I will be sitting with you" and she did, we've been through a lot together in the past 20+ years, no questions asked I knew she would be there for me.  Eric and I decided we wanted to position ourselves perfectly so that we could see and watch Stephen Phelps play the organ.  I always feel the spirit and peaceful when I listen to him play, he and his wife have been a tremendous example for me as we have tried to raise our children by their example.  Eric and I spoke about him many times this past week knowing it would be difficult for him physically to play, and would of been OK if he couldn't come, but he did and I know he did it just for me.  I love you Stephen and Carolei you have been an example to me for over 20 years now, and still continue to amaze me with your loving hearts.

Jenny--I love you

November 20th 2013 Wednesday
As I post this Eric and I are in Mexico, spending some time at our condo, he needed to fix our freezer (well I say him, but those of you who know my "Tim the tool man" knows he will hire someone to fix it.)  He wanted me to come last week, and in fact was leaving for Mexico on the day he got the text from me saying my mother had passed.  This week he has been begging me to come with him, and I have not wanted to go, mostly because I think a little bit of that depression and unresolved issues is unsettling to me.  Eric knows me so well, he knew if I stayed home I would lay around and try to figure out the whys? Then become depressed and anxious, so I'm glad I came with him.

 Being here, draws me closer to Heavenly Father, I'm able to sit on the sand, watch the ocean waves come gently  in and out and see the hand of the Lord pick me up and keep me from getting carried away in those waves.  Honestly, I have so many emotions stirring up inside of me, although what I am saying is completely from my heart and I am being true to myself, I know it will probably be confusing to some people.

I want to remember and write some of my fond memories of mom.  Our kitchen was always our gathering place, and I loved to sit, watch and learn from her. There were 3 things I remember distictly about my mom during Christmas--she always made Red Velvet Cake and sprinkled the green and red sparkles to top it off. She also taught me how to make her Cranberry Meatballs, that was a Christmas Eve Tradition in our home. Lastly, she made cheese balls and gave them out to friends and anyone she knew needed a little boost during the holiday months.  Eric and I sill carry on this tradition, so if you get a cheese ball during the holiday month it;s because our family loves you--DON"T THROW IT AWAY.  Mom grew her own small cucumbers, and taught me how to pickle them, I loved her homegrown pickles. Every year I went to girls camp, she was there it was comforting to have my mom with us at Camp Lo Mia, all the girls in the Stake loved her so much. I wanted to be just like that, I wanted to work in Young Women's like she did, go to girls camp like she did and enjoy all the blessings that come from serving in YW.  I have not really had an opportunity to serve in the YW program for more than 6 months, but I was able to be our ward camp director for several years in a row.   I also remember my mom giving me the 1st compliment I can remember.  She said "Monya you have the ability to get upset or mad, spit it out, then let it go, I like that about you" When Elvis Presley died, I was mowing the lawn and remember coming into the house to get a drink of water, she was crying, she really loved music, that is probably why I love music so much.  I'll never forget having to tell my mother over the phone that my brother had died, she was heart broken, she screamed "No, No" over and over then threw the phone.

Mom is with Lance now

I have tried to write and re-write so that not to offend anyone, I've decided journaling is a good thing for ME (maybe not how YOU would handle it) to be real, I've hidden for too many years, soooo--to all of you who have written me emails criticizing me for the things I blog about all I can say to you, my intentions are in the right place and coming from an authentic real me. You did not live my life and are not living my journey now.  You saw my mom give endless hours of service to others including some of you, and she did it not because she was Relief Society President, she did it because she wanted to serve, I'm so grateful for her example to me in that regard, and for the last thing on this subject, those of you who have emailed me with your criticism, I noticed not one of you took time to show your respect to my mother and come to her funeral.  So please do not bother sending me a follow up email--I said it, was upset about what you said, and now I'm over it.  This is in the Lords hands now, and I truly believe my mother wanted the ultimate goal that myself and my sisters wanted, for our family to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but it is difficult to do that when you cannot admit there are pieces missing.  I tried many times to mend this relationship, and was given a blessing  with confirmation that this will not be resolved in this life time, unless hearts were softened and sorrow was shown.  I realize this was difficult for my mother, but was necessary on her part in order for our relationship to continue--she made her choices--and we have all had to deal with that decision.  Mom did the best she knew how to do.  I will see her again, and the Lord will solve all earthly issues. Thank you Linda for giving me permission to express my feelings here--so if you have issues please email Linda.

Beautiful Casket

Greg dedicating the grave

 I believe our lives are like ocean waves, constantly moving, sometimes those waves are further out than we can reach, but they eventually rise to meet me in a solemn comforting manner--when they do -- all is quiet and calm especially in my heart where I need it the most.  I am grateful my mother is peaceful with a complete healthy body, still I need some guidance, I believe there can be healing even in the deepest of graves--when we  humble ourselves and allow the spirit to speak--but not all is calm in my heart right now--I feel lonely and vulnerable, and I know no-one on this earth can understand what I am feeling--not even my sister Sonya--she said she felt a warm blanket of "comfort" around her during the funeral--why didn't I feel that?  Am I not worthy enough for that feeling?

When my brother Lance died I felt so guilty for not doing more to help him, it was a heavy burden I was carrying, I knelt and prayed one night for comfort and peace to fill my soul, for the Lord to let me know Lance was OK.  That night as I knelt waiting for an answer, I felt my brothers hand on mine and his voice as clear as day say "This is the Lords will, not yours, I am happy" Because of that experience I was able to move forward in faith and HOPE knowing without a doubt Lance was in a good place.

 For me, it was the start for healing when I was able to be at moms bedside and say "I forgive you" before she  passed on. It was a tender moment, and I know she heard me.

During the funeral my mother's dearest friend Susan spoke and told memories she had of my mom.  She spoke from her heart and she really loved my mom, something I will always be grateful for.  While she was speaking I thought of a talk given by Elder Bednar in General Conference October of 2009.  He talked about family love, he said that no wife, daughter, son or husband should hear the words "I love you" for the 1st time from the pulpit--this is what I heard--but not from my mom from her friend. I wish so badly I would of heard "I love you, and I am proud of you" from my mothers lips.  All I can do now is to make sure everyone I truly love and care for,  not only hear it, but KNOW it.  I understand mom may not have been able to express her love to me, because I'm not really sure if she was told as a child--maybe she was never taught by example--I don't know--all I know for sure is when I held each and everyone of my children in my arms for the 1st time I loved them--unconditionally loved each one of them.  I guess the forgiveness does not always leave you with a feeling of peace and happiness, this part will come to me in the Lord's time--It always does-so for now, I love you mom, and I know you did the best you could.

This is who I am

I have received many emails, gifts, cards and text messages full of encouragement and support--they have come from the people I respect and love so much--thank you.  Michelle, I am listening to the CD you gave me from Josh--as I write--thank you Mallory and Michelle for dropping that off.

My sisters do not have blogs to follow and honestly would not have posted much or anything close to what I have done---not sure if that is a good thing or bad, all I know is that I have always throughout my life handled trials, hardships, and life events differently than they have, and it's OK.

One thing that has bonded us together as sisters is knowing we have each others back, we will fight to then end for one another and love one another unconditionally.  I received a text from a friend recently thanking me for my honesty on my blog, my heart swelled up out of my eyes and down my cheeks. (thank you TS)  I have been questioning myself about all of my HONESTY and FORTHCOMING, when it comes to my personal life and what I post on this blog.  Is it the right thing to do?  Would others do it the same? Why do I feel comfort here? Why has blogging become such a therapeutic release for me? I'm not sure of any answers to those questions, I have always been a journal writer. I have notebooks full of journaling I have done throughout my life, there are some years missing--and in those years I realize it is because I was told once to only write what I WANTED to remember--I don't agree with this philosophy now, even though I followed it for so many years. I believe in journaling all of life's events good or bad--I want to have a place to go back and remember, and then look at how far I have come, sometimes I take time to read old posts and I cannot believe I did this or that..the road has weaved in and out of clear view, but there is one thing I know for sure HE will and has picked up the pieces for me along those winding roads, there has been bittersweet times where he has taken it all off my shoulders and those moments have become beautiful moments of truth that otherwise I may have forgotten. Just as a side note, I have many posts that I have saved as drafts, knowing those parts of my life I don't want exposed, but want recorded for posterity purposes.

This blog is sacred to me, it's who I am, it's a place I can "find me" in places I never thought or imagined I could go.  I have throughout my life tried to find a place out of the darkness and into the light, and this is my place--it is a real, sometimes a raw place where I can go quietly and find myself again--the real authentic me-where my heart is.  I am sorry if I have offended you, or shocked you with some of my posts--I am for once in my life living free, and I will not go backwards--Only the Lord knows my heart, HE knows me and I will, in this respect, never change.

Being vulnerable is one of the weaknesses I have, and here I can truly be who I am.  So many times I have closed the door on places I could of gone and learned so much, oh how I wish  the Lord would of forced me to open those doors, but HE never forces us to do anything, HE is on the other side of that door if we will do our part and just open it.  I always carry a note book with me and write down things that are weird, funny and made some type of impression on me, then I choose what I decide is appropriate to share on this blog, remember what you think is appropriate may not be what my real authentic self is....we all have a different journey, and for me this is how I deal with it.

Simone and Rochelle ♥

Rochelle and Simone April 2013

I invited Simone and Rochelle to go to Stake Conference with me today.  They are such great girls.  Heavenly Father has a way of placing people in my life who have blessed me and taught me so much about life.  These girls are two very special girls, I am endeared to them forever.  I met their mother at Mayo Clinic 4 years ago, she is a single mother raising 4 teen children, and I am impressed at how well she has done.

I love spending time with them, teaching them to bake, going to lunch, and sharing thoughts.  We have so much in common with our up bringing--they too, do not have a father figure in their life who is respectful or loving to them, as they share their thoughts and feelings,  my heart is full to point of wanting to burst into tears--so many memories are flooding my mind, memories of a childhood that should of been different, could of been different.

I was impressed a few weeks ago by the spirit to invite them to our home to watch General Conference and have breakfast with our family.  Audrey (their mother), the twins and one of their brothers and his girlfriend came over.  What a delight they are, I enjoy spending time with them.  Audrey is a greeter at the church they belong to and could only stay for the 1st half of conference.
I noticed Rochelle crying, she and I went into my living room and spoke, she hugged me tightly, telling me how much she loves me and Mr Williams, that she loves the feeling in our home and how she wanted that for herself--she then shared some personal stories with me and at that moment I knew the Holy Ghost was whispering to me every word to say--

1.pray for light, pray to know HIM--HE knows you and he loves you
2. serve someone everyday, a smile, a hug or a special note can mean so much
3. be prepared that darkness does not always leave immediately, sincerely look for LIGHT
4. ask for the Light to be with you everyday, live what you believe, walk in the light
and lastly " As you walk toward the HOPE of God’s light, you will discover the compassion, love, and goodness of a loving Heavenly Father"


After conference today I had the opportunity to talk to the girls and answer any questions they had.  One of the things they were wondering about was why there were not any other black people at church.  I told them what a myth it is that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints does not allow blacks to be baptized, the girls actually had heard this. THIS STATEMENT IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE AND OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE BELIEVE IN.  We just happen to live in a geographical area where not many African Americans live.  I explained to them, as I will explain to any of you who are reading this and also have this misconception.  The LDS church has never NOT allowed blacks to be baptized, across the nation and throughout the world we have active incredible members of the church who are of African American Heritage--we are inclusive, we invite all who are willing to truly listen to the truth of what we believe in to come to church with us.  I explained to them at one time in the church history the black men were not able to hold the Priesthood, for what reason I do not understand, but just as many things in life change, this was a change the church was impressed to make.  I explained to them, across the nation and around the world no matter what language every church building in the world is teaching the same thing, on Sundays we take the water and bread in remembrance of HIM who died for us, the sacrament helps us to remember the covenants we made when we were baptized, I also think of it of a time to repent for all the little things I do during the week, the Atonement is available to each and everyone of us. I also explained to them, "you girls can walk into any church from here to Africa, and you will not hear anyone from the pulpit talking bad about another church, we love all people, because we know our Heavenly Father loves all his children the same. Walking in the light of Christ means trying your hardest to be exactly like HIM, of course we know this is impossible but trying and repenting and trying and repenting is what we do everyday to try to be more like HIM"

Every talk that was spoken today was perfect for what these girls needed to hear.  A member of the Stake Presidency spoke about the presence of Satan in our lives, Rochelle told me she was so glued to the words he spoke.  There are times in our lives when Satan wants us to feel as though we are not quite good enough, he wants the young mother who is trying her hardest to raise strong healthy, spiritual children that her house is not clean enough, the father who has lost his job that he is not quite doing is job as a husband and father, the young girl who did not get invited to prom or homecoming that they are not quite beautiful enough or good enough.  I told the girls, I remember feeling inadequate as a child of God, I was too skinny, to ugly, and not quite good enough for anyone to ask me to prom or homecoming---I never went, and yes, I did feel those pains of not being quite good enough--how sad is that?  If we could all feel the spirit enough to know, our Heavenly Father loves us for who we are,  and what we contribute to life.

There have been times in my life when I felt small, and insignificant, I felt that the world was my Goliath,  I yearned for the feeling of surety that HE loved me.  It took me searching in my soul, and truly asking for guidance,  there were things I had to let go of, when I questioned choices I made I finally realized it was Satan trying to keep me from the light. Satan is smart and cunning as he travels and moves through the lives of our youth especially, he does not like to be alone either, he always snatches one, then cunningly says "now go and get your friend to partake" especially for our youth who are trying so hard to follow in Gods light, satan does not want that to happen, he wants them to invite their friends--misery loves company--and satan wants you to justify your actions with others around you who are doing the same thing--following in the darkness. Don't get caught in that trap.\

It honestly took me going through my cancer journey to realize that it was OK even though I was 46 years old to start to listen to my heart, to turn things over to the Lord, to accept the Gift HE had given me, the gift was the Holy Ghost--listening and preparing myself for the day to day, HE is leading me through this journey of life--we all have more strength then we know, and when we start to LIVE WHAT WE BELIEVE we will gain the confidence we need, no matter what we are  experiencing in our lives, no matter where we are in our journey,  for some the journey towards the light starts at birth and for others that light of Christ comes when we are adults,  if we follow in HIS light HE will guide us home.

I wish for every youth out there in the world, member of the church or not, that they could just HOLD ON-we all try and fail, some have been in darkness longer than others, but one of the lessons we can learn is that HE has promised the answers will come when we ask.  There have been nights I have prayed, thinking I was the only one who was walking in the darkness, oh how NOT true that is, there are so many who walk in darkness, and fear, but if we can HOLD ON continue to pray, serve, and be obedient, repeating this day to day until we finally GET IT, he will never leave our side.