Living in the Moment

Practicing living in the moment has been an intentional goal for my everyday living.  I have to  remind myself daily of the reward.  I've heard it takes 21 days to break a habit so I'm assuming it also takes 21 days to form a habit.
Today I will be seeing my surgeon Dr. Lettieri.  The last surgery I had on Thursday took me a little longer to recover from, purging my body of all the anesthesia is draining. Getting up and walking to the bathroom is about as far as I can go, even then I am wobbly, shaky and nauseated. On Sunday I was finally able to eat something, however it tasted of metal.
I feel like the world is hastily passing by just outside my bedroom door.  I'm praying Dr. Lettieri will take out the stitches and close the open wound on my neck.  The skin graft he took was from another area on my neck and those stitches seem to be healing well.
It's hard for me to comprehend that I have gone under general anesthesia 34 times in less than 6 years. Each time the healing takes longer and seems to weigh down my spirit.  I want so badly for all these surgeries to be over.  I believe now that this nasty infection is under control we can finally get going with the important issue of the nerve--yes, there will be more surgery; and I will endure.

My view from pre-op

Heidi my pre-op nurse--these nurse are always so sweet to me

This is what it looks like now, after surgery.
I see some bruising on my temple next to my
eye...I always wonder what the heck happens
during surgery to cause these bruises.

My life is so different now, I've learned patience and empathy for other's during the past few years. I've also learned what is truly important in life, family first, then friends who truly love me for who I am.  I've had to let go of a friend who I sincerely thought would be with me from beginning to end. I simply do not want anyone in my life who cannot be authentic.  Friendships are wonderful but when they become complicated and draining--I'm out! I refuse to waste precious time with people who do not reciprocate the same feelings.  I choose happy, with that being said I am not perfect and do need to say "I'm sorry" at times.  Part of the reason I have not allowed too many people into my life is the fear of being rejected or hurt.  I'm so over that now, I know who loves me and who cares I've learned to discern good from toxic.

This brings me back to the initial reason for making this post, living in the moment. I truly believe we are the equivalent of the few friends we associate most with.  If I kept myself in worry constantly wondering if I am offending someone I'm not being in the moment.  Spontaneously giving service to those around me on a daily basis, strangers who I will never see again have given me more satisfaction and clarity of the direction I want my life to go.  Living in the moment allows me to flow through life daily intentionally looking for ways to better myself by seeing the needs of others.

Mom's Funeral

My nephew Ronny 

November 19th, 2013 Tuesday
Today, my sisters and I attended the funeral services for my mother.  It's difficult to describe how I felt and feel.  I was drawn closer to her by listening to her cousin, Mary Joyce speak of mom's earlier years, when she was a young girl and teenager.  Mom really never talked a lot about those days, so it was nice to hear and learn the fun, happy side of her life.  I believe all is Holy in the house of God, and I was trying my hardest to feel heaven there.

Linda, Myself and Dottie (Linda's mom)

Linda one of my besties- I love her

Susan and Ron Lundberg (mom's closest friends)

 I am grateful for my friends who supported me and  did not let the influence of "not knowing" my mom keep them from coming to support me.  I needed you there, and I so appreciate Millie we have been friends for 15 years she has no idea of my life before Gilbert, yet because of her Christian spirit she came and loved me through it, she also brought enchiladas to my family for Sunday dinner, she will and always be close to my heart.  Linda my friend from childhood, she and her mother drove far to be here and I will always love Linda for her unconditional love, especially having known my parents, made it special to me to have her there.  Last my dear friend Jenny Ruttinger text me and said "I know this will be hard for you, I will be sitting with you" and she did, we've been through a lot together in the past 20+ years, no questions asked I knew she would be there for me.  Eric and I decided we wanted to position ourselves perfectly so that we could see and watch Stephen Phelps play the organ.  I always feel the spirit and peaceful when I listen to him play, he and his wife have been a tremendous example for me as we have tried to raise our children by their example.  Eric and I spoke about him many times this past week knowing it would be difficult for him physically to play, and would of been OK if he couldn't come, but he did and I know he did it just for me.  I love you Stephen and Carolei you have been an example to me for over 20 years now, and still continue to amaze me with your loving hearts.

Jenny--I love you

November 20th 2013 Wednesday
As I post this Eric and I are in Mexico, spending some time at our condo, he needed to fix our freezer (well I say him, but those of you who know my "Tim the tool man" knows he will hire someone to fix it.)  He wanted me to come last week, and in fact was leaving for Mexico on the day he got the text from me saying my mother had passed.  This week he has been begging me to come with him, and I have not wanted to go, mostly because I think a little bit of that depression and unresolved issues is unsettling to me.  Eric knows me so well, he knew if I stayed home I would lay around and try to figure out the whys? Then become depressed and anxious, so I'm glad I came with him.

 Being here, draws me closer to Heavenly Father, I'm able to sit on the sand, watch the ocean waves come gently  in and out and see the hand of the Lord pick me up and keep me from getting carried away in those waves.  Honestly, I have so many emotions stirring up inside of me, although what I am saying is completely from my heart and I am being true to myself, I know it will probably be confusing to some people.

I want to remember and write some of my fond memories of mom.  Our kitchen was always our gathering place, and I loved to sit, watch and learn from her. There were 3 things I remember distictly about my mom during Christmas--she always made Red Velvet Cake and sprinkled the green and red sparkles to top it off. She also taught me how to make her Cranberry Meatballs, that was a Christmas Eve Tradition in our home. Lastly, she made cheese balls and gave them out to friends and anyone she knew needed a little boost during the holiday months.  Eric and I sill carry on this tradition, so if you get a cheese ball during the holiday month it;s because our family loves you--DON"T THROW IT AWAY.  Mom grew her own small cucumbers, and taught me how to pickle them, I loved her homegrown pickles. Every year I went to girls camp, she was there it was comforting to have my mom with us at Camp Lo Mia, all the girls in the Stake loved her so much. I wanted to be just like that, I wanted to work in Young Women's like she did, go to girls camp like she did and enjoy all the blessings that come from serving in YW.  I have not really had an opportunity to serve in the YW program for more than 6 months, but I was able to be our ward camp director for several years in a row.   I also remember my mom giving me the 1st compliment I can remember.  She said "Monya you have the ability to get upset or mad, spit it out, then let it go, I like that about you" When Elvis Presley died, I was mowing the lawn and remember coming into the house to get a drink of water, she was crying, she really loved music, that is probably why I love music so much.  I'll never forget having to tell my mother over the phone that my brother had died, she was heart broken, she screamed "No, No" over and over then threw the phone.

Mom is with Lance now

I have tried to write and re-write so that not to offend anyone, I've decided journaling is a good thing for ME (maybe not how YOU would handle it) to be real, I've hidden for too many years, soooo--to all of you who have written me emails criticizing me for the things I blog about all I can say to you, my intentions are in the right place and coming from an authentic real me. You did not live my life and are not living my journey now.  You saw my mom give endless hours of service to others including some of you, and she did it not because she was Relief Society President, she did it because she wanted to serve, I'm so grateful for her example to me in that regard, and for the last thing on this subject, those of you who have emailed me with your criticism, I noticed not one of you took time to show your respect to my mother and come to her funeral.  So please do not bother sending me a follow up email--I said it, was upset about what you said, and now I'm over it.  This is in the Lords hands now, and I truly believe my mother wanted the ultimate goal that myself and my sisters wanted, for our family to put the pieces of the puzzle back together, but it is difficult to do that when you cannot admit there are pieces missing.  I tried many times to mend this relationship, and was given a blessing  with confirmation that this will not be resolved in this life time, unless hearts were softened and sorrow was shown.  I realize this was difficult for my mother, but was necessary on her part in order for our relationship to continue--she made her choices--and we have all had to deal with that decision.  Mom did the best she knew how to do.  I will see her again, and the Lord will solve all earthly issues. Thank you Linda for giving me permission to express my feelings here--so if you have issues please email Linda.

Beautiful Casket

Greg dedicating the grave

 I believe our lives are like ocean waves, constantly moving, sometimes those waves are further out than we can reach, but they eventually rise to meet me in a solemn comforting manner--when they do -- all is quiet and calm especially in my heart where I need it the most.  I am grateful my mother is peaceful with a complete healthy body, still I need some guidance, I believe there can be healing even in the deepest of graves--when we  humble ourselves and allow the spirit to speak--but not all is calm in my heart right now--I feel lonely and vulnerable, and I know no-one on this earth can understand what I am feeling--not even my sister Sonya--she said she felt a warm blanket of "comfort" around her during the funeral--why didn't I feel that?  Am I not worthy enough for that feeling?

When my brother Lance died I felt so guilty for not doing more to help him, it was a heavy burden I was carrying, I knelt and prayed one night for comfort and peace to fill my soul, for the Lord to let me know Lance was OK.  That night as I knelt waiting for an answer, I felt my brothers hand on mine and his voice as clear as day say "This is the Lords will, not yours, I am happy" Because of that experience I was able to move forward in faith and HOPE knowing without a doubt Lance was in a good place.

 For me, it was the start for healing when I was able to be at moms bedside and say "I forgive you" before she  passed on. It was a tender moment, and I know she heard me.

During the funeral my mother's dearest friend Susan spoke and told memories she had of my mom.  She spoke from her heart and she really loved my mom, something I will always be grateful for.  While she was speaking I thought of a talk given by Elder Bednar in General Conference October of 2009.  He talked about family love, he said that no wife, daughter, son or husband should hear the words "I love you" for the 1st time from the pulpit--this is what I heard--but not from my mom from her friend. I wish so badly I would of heard "I love you, and I am proud of you" from my mothers lips.  All I can do now is to make sure everyone I truly love and care for,  not only hear it, but KNOW it.  I understand mom may not have been able to express her love to me, because I'm not really sure if she was told as a child--maybe she was never taught by example--I don't know--all I know for sure is when I held each and everyone of my children in my arms for the 1st time I loved them--unconditionally loved each one of them.  I guess the forgiveness does not always leave you with a feeling of peace and happiness, this part will come to me in the Lord's time--It always does-so for now, I love you mom, and I know you did the best you could.

Dear Mom

Today is Sunday November 17th

 Last night I barely slept my hip pain is getting worse, I just barely had a cortisone shot a month ago--When I spoke to the Oncologist last week, she said I need to get more tests done--YAY more tests--(sarcasm)  Also the tumor in my head is bleeding out through my ear, I constantly have to change the cotton ball--I didn't want to go to church today, in thinking about it I received an email from my dear friend Carla Kelly, telling me her husband was speaking in church, I invited her to sit with me.  The meeting today was beautiful, I loved all the talks revolving around President Monson's talk on adversity in our lives--endure to the end.  Carla and her Husband lost a son 2 years ago, it has been a difficult time for them, probably a wrenching pain I don't understand since I have never lost a child. But I do remember how hard it was on my mom when she lost her son Lance at age 15.  I've decided it's not about the trial or adversity we endure, it's about how strong we are to endure those times.  We can embrace those storms, and come out on the other end a better person having been through it, or we can become cold, hard hearted and let it destroy not only our lives but the ones we love the most, our family.

Mom on Halloween 2013

I know the Lord knows where my hidden places are and HE will find me there, bring me into the light again and pull me up from the scrapes, bruises and wounds I feel--HE will heal me.
If I am 100% pure and honest, I am afraid of going to the Funeral, there were many people from the West Stake area where I grew up, who when hearing bits and pieces of our lives years ago, did not believe this could be true--I'm nervous about seeing any of them. I'm hoping this can be put to rest, I'm wanting my mom to find some peace that for so long she did not have here on earth.  Nothing that happened here on this earth can be changed, I would never change any of it, even as hard as it has been, I prayed for so many years it could and would be different, but I've realized all of the fears and doubts we all go through are OUR OWN JOURNEY, something we chose together with our Heavenly Father before we came to earth.  The faith that I have found in myself during these endless, sleepless nights have changed me.   I've seen the hand of God in my life, I've asked for big and small miracles to happen in my life, some have been granted and most have not.  Not because HE does not love me, but because HE loves me THAT much.  I am living proof that He is REAL, I cannot and will not ever deny that.

If I could talk to my mom today I would say....
 Monday November 18th, 2013

Mom, I want to be healed, I want you to know me, I want you to see the woman you helped create.  Thank you for giving me life, for staying with me all those times I was in the hospital and didn't want to be alone in the dark as a little girl.  Thank you for never saying anything bad about the Belshe family, or my father who put me in the hospital.  Thank you for teaching me how to sew, even if I didn't care for it, thank you for teaching me to bake and love it.  Thank you for not allowing me to drink soda, for giving me a choices between fruit or candy.  Most of all thank you for remaining true to your faith, taking me to church, and helping me to anchor my testimony in Jesus Christ.

I know you have been in pain for years, and I also know this is so bittersweet for you, leaving 3 daughters behind with no earthly resolve,  but being able to go into the arms of Lance,  your only son.  You and I have been wanting the same things, a loving eternal family. I want you to know I KNOW you did the best you knew how to do.

 Today I went to the funeral home and watched as Kris fixed up your hair, you were always so beautiful to me.  I've  heard it said "time heals all wounds" I know time cannot stand still, life goes on and things get easier, but for some reason I want you to know not a day has gone by since Lance died that I haven't thought about him, now as I think of him I will always think of you, with a perfect body, no more pain, being able to once again go forward with this next journey of your life, hopefully happy and able to look down on your middle daughter (bonbon) and finally hear the words
I LOVE YOU MOM.  I have you to thank for the tears running down my cheeks, but now its time to wipe those away once and for all.

 There has been a hole in my heart for too many years, now its time to release that pain,  reclaim the parts of my life that I have struggled with.  I don't blame you, I forgive you, and this place where we call home, where we call life, is just a passing through place, home is where you are now--no more sorrow or pain--the Lord will take over now and allow you and I both to heal. 

Better not Bitter

-Regina Clara Heath-

I can't sleep tonight, I wonder if it is selfish to ask the Lord to take it all away for now--probably huh?
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the death of my mother, all the fear and doubts I have ever had about myself are all flooding back into my head and I need a release, at least for now.  I can't carry this burden I'm feeling anymore--I have flown on the wings of the angels who have carried me through life's experiences, my soul has been healed by sweet testimonies born by people in my ward, people who have no idea how they have touched my heart.  This has definitely been a ravenous storm I was not prepared to deal with, I honestly thought this was the one place HE knew exactly how I was feeling, I thought HE truly understood that I could not handle this one, just take it away, let me not feel, let me have numbness and let it pass.  I have asked to please just let Sonya and Kris take care of this one--I understood HE was willing to let me take a "get out of jail" card--obviously HE and I are were not on the same page, because this pain is not going away--I'm glad my kids have not seen my pain, for now I just need to cry--oh boy do I need to cry, just get it all out, I know that it is even hard for my Heavenly Father to see, I have to believe he wants to take it all away and HE has the power to do just that, but where is my learning and growing in him doing that?

Sometimes, I am feeling weakness and the heart ache starts to pull me down, no matter how hard I fight it, I know  I agreed with the Lord he could put this beating heart inside me when I came to earth, HE already knew the fullness of that pain and suffering I would feel--I have full knowledge of this proof he has so graciously let me feel--but today I just need to not ask why, or when it will stop, I just need to let it be what it is--I am broken hearted--more than that, I am broken, I have felt joy in my life, so much joy, so much blessings have come to my family, in fact my family is my blessing, but I wonder if at times like this if it is ok to feel the pain, I know it is not going away anytime soon. I just need this time to try and understand once again what I am supposed to learn.  I know for a fact HE will take the pain away, maybe not today, but HE will take it away--like Hillary Weeks says in her song  "just let me cry" Yesterday I was laughing and enjoying my grandson, pure ultimate joy in my heart--within moments that joy was taken away--I want to come away from this better, not bitter--HE knows my heart, HE knows my willingness to give all I have to HIM, until the last tear drops from my face, I will try to have no regrets, I plead with the Lord to not let me feel those regrets, please take those away, carry them away--I can't take those right now.  Tomorrow is a new day, I will rise, kneel in prayer, cry and repeat if I have to, but please NO REGRETS--please let the healing begin, please with all my weaknesses and mistakes let me feel your grace.

Today Mom Died 11/12/13

The time is 8:15 pm on November 12, 2013
 It's seems weird to write about this, but my feelings are raw and real and I need to write for therapy.  I always wondered what this would feel like, today my mom passed away.  She has been staying in an assisted living home for the past couple of months, only a couple miles from my home.  My sister Sonya, (mother Theresa) got the call from moms bishop that mom needed to be placed in assisted living after her last fall, and Sonya decided driving a couple hours one way everyday to take care of her in Phoenix was a little too much for her, so she made the decision to move mom to this side of town.  A few months before my diagnosis with cancer my step father, Gary died and I was asked by my mother's best friend Susan to please come to the hospital and be with her, I hesitated because besides a couple of hateful letters I had received over the years, (one that almost put me in a mental hospital, I have Debbie Slade and President Lesueuer to thank for that not happening)  it had at that time already been 17 years since I had any contact with either one of them, per my mother's request. 6 months before Gary died, I was at the Temple and out of the blue had a feeling of forgiveness come over me stronger than I had ever felt before, I searched for an email or someway to contact him and let him know.  It simply read "Dear Dad, I want you to know I have forgiven you. I have a beautiful family 3 girls and 1 boy we live in Gilbert Arizona and are very happy.  I hope you are happy too."  Love Monya  within 6 months he passed away and I was at his bedside.  My choice to be at his bedside did not have a lot to do with him, but more to do with mending the relationship with my mother.

 I will never forget walking into that hospital room with my 4 children, my sisters chose not to go and I never judged them for that, in fact Sonya begged me not to go, she is very protective over me and knows I get my hopes up, only to be crushed, and the depression, guilt and heartache start all over again.  She is wise, but I did not listen. I went anyway, it was a tremendously grotesque experience to have my children watch as they pulled the plug on him, it was as if he was fighting to go to the other side, it honestly is what I imagined a person with a demon inside of them trying to get out would look like--I have questioned my motherly instinct on that one for years now.....not a good idea.  But the one thing that struck me and has stayed with me over all these years is that my mother showed no emotion what so ever--NONE.  I spoke with her bishop and told him Eric and I would be willing to help with whatever arrangements needed to be done, hugged my mom and said good bye.  The next day she called me to find out about meeting her at the funeral home, I replied "Yes mom I would love to help you, what time would you like me to pick you up?" and then it came, that voice, it rings in my ears I can still hear her "Monya, I still have one more thing I need to say to  you...." the sarcasm and stinch in her voice let me know this was not going to go well...I quickly responded "mom, please not now, your husband just died yesterday, can we please just let this go, I want a clean start with you"  she abruptly interrupted me and said "You ruined our lives with your lies, and your father was forgiven for what he did"  obviously my next question was "what was he forgiven for? according to you and he both, he never did anything wrong? blah blah blah this led to a huge bowl of tears on my part and I immediately called her bishop to tell him, this was not going to work and he would have to get someone else to go to the funeral home and help her tomorrow, one of my kids called Sonya and told her what had happened as I wept like a baby wanting to be coddled by their mother.  Sonya took measures into her own hands, called my mom and, well lets just say she finally was able to give her a little bit of her own medicine, all in defense of me.  I love Sonya for that.  A few months later came my cancer diagnosis and of course Sonya was protective, not allowing mom to come to the hospital or make life anymore stressful than I needed it to be.  I simply have put the whole ordeal behind me and not looked back, I knew and still do know that my mother is stubborn, that pride will never allow her to say she's sorry, if she did then she would have to do something about it, and that was out of the question for her.

The past month I have realized while reading the Infinite Atonement that I needed to forgive my mother.  I have asked myself over and over again, "how can you forgive your father who beat you as a three year old and as a result made you deaf in one ear?"  'how can you forgive the stepfather who  abused you, but not be able to forgive your own mother?"  Theses questions have haunted me as I have studied the Atonement and tried desperately to comprehend why a mother would walk away from her children and grandchildren, why did she stay with a man who could do such heinous things to her very own flesh and blood.  All these years, all I have ever wanted to hear from her was "I'm sorry, this is not your fault, and wish it had never happened"  or just "I'm sorry" that would of been sufficient.  I was never granted those simple words, or the words "I love you"  One day recently while at the Temple I had that overwhelming feeling again that I needed to let her know I had forgiven her, this is all the Lord asks of us, to Love One Another and to forgive as he did.  Knowing I am about to have another major surgery, I realized I do have one last regret I need to take care of, I need to let her know how I feel, to let her know I have forgiven her and that I know the Lord will take care of all of this mess one day.  I was not expecting anything in return, but my heart had finally been softened enough to acknowledge my weakness in not granting her the forgiveness I have in my heart for all these years of heartache and pain.

Two things happened, 1st I sent a text to my visiting teachers asking them if they would help me, I wanted them to come with me to the assisted living home while I spoke with her,  I felt this was the best way and felt the safest for me personally.  I purposefully did not tell my family, not even Eric or Sonya that I was planning this for Friday the 14th this week. I have wonderful visiting teachers Kathi Cluff who I adore and admire so much, she is not only beautiful physically but have always looked to her for an example of true Christ like love.  Marian Priday, is my other visiting teacher, I love her and have complete faith and assurance in confidentiality with her knowing she will always give me the best advice and help in anyway she can.

The 2nd thing that happened was last weekend I took my girls to a women's convention in downtown Phoenix called Time Out For Women, there were over 5500 women in attendance.  During the very 1st speaker I was so emotional Brad Wilcox was the speaker, he spoke of the Atonement and how to use it in our lives, it felt as though he was speaking to me, and only me, like I was the only one in the room.  He said The Atonement is a Gift, no one made or forced Christ to die for our sins, HE chose it.
and this is literally what I wrote in my note book "The spirit is so strong, my heart is pounding, I cannot get my mom off of my mind"  Let go of willpower and rely on HIS power, turn towards HIM-HE is the light.  My life end goal of enduring to the end is to become more like HIM, to lead a more Christ like life in all that I do and say.
Can people change?
Not without God-
Alone we will fail-
with God all things are possible-

my next line of notes really hit me tonight--
YES--I can do this-through the Atonement of Christ I can face my fears, I can face my mother, and in the holiest of a pure heart I can tell her "I forgive you" and expect nothing in return.
Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the future home of all who are willing to be perfected.

Yesterday, I thought about my brother all day, it has been 26 years since his death, he would of been 42 in January.  This is a night I will never forget, Veterans Day has always been a special day to me now.  That night having to tell my parents their only son had died in their home while they were out of town, was hard.  It was a defining moment in my life.

Today, as I sat holding my little grandson, my sister Sonya sent me a text that read "can you talk?" I did not respond knowing Kayla was soon leaving and I just wanted a few more minutes with Ezra. As soon as Kayla left, I got the 2nd text saying my mom was in Banner  Gateway Hospital and for me to come, she was not going to make it--I rushed over there, walked in the solemn room, quiet and with a smell of sickness and death--I stood by her side, told her "Mom, its Monya and I'm here--mom I forgive you" within just a few more very deep breaths the sounds of the flat lines  on the machine went off and she was gone.  Sonya, Greg and myself alone in a room with a woman who had caused so much pain in our lives, suddenly I felt the pains of devastation--now I know what that feels like, its not having been abused, that can be fixed and forgiven, its not having cancer, it's a family ripped apart, because of pride,  a daughter of our Heavenly Father wanting so badly to have a relationship with her mother, call her for a recipe, talk about spiritual moments, share the blessings of an eternal family--just ripped in half--all over PRIDE.

 This earth is our school of learning, and I am saying from an authentic place, that I need to pray for myself to heal my heart from the hurt and pain my mom and dad have caused--help change ME--don't worry anymore about changing HER--The Atonement will allow all of me to change for good--I choose to be authentic, I choose to forgive, I choose to live like the Savior.

Today, if I am absolutely authentic, I had so many emotions go through me--why? why? couldn't my mom say "I'm sorry?" Why, was I not given 2 more days to express my feelings to her?  Was the Lord protecting me from more pain?  When the disciples prayed with Christ in his last days they were filled with desire--am I filled with desire? what is that desire? Because when I am sitting in this hospital room I want to scream out loud, I'm so mad.  After everyone left, I asked if I could have a few minutes with my mom.  My sisters Sonya and Kris had spent much time with her the past couple of months, and even they were ready to move on and go.  When the door shut, I asked Eric to stay with me, I held my moms hand, talked about how small she was, 88 pounds, and kissed her on the forehead, with a final "I forgive you" Eric and I held her hand and he offered one of the sweetest prayers I have ever heard, I did not expect that from him, he has always had such pain and anger towards my parents for what they had put me through, but tonight that side of him was gone and the spirit of healing began.  I wept, and could not control my emotions--so this is how this feels...

No room in the INN

The truth about life....... One day life seems smooth and good, we pray  for daily health and strength, we can beg and plead for our families to be comforted and blessed with eternal happiness and safety.  Do we really have control?  Yes, over some things in our lives we do, we control our thoughts and feelings, we control how we react to situations, how we treat others and ourselves, hopefully we are able to control the amount of time we dedicate to helping others who are less fortunate than ourselves, whether it be with a smile, a hug, a simple note of encouragement or a meal to help them get through to the next day.  These are just a few examples of  things we DO have control over, however I was taught recently by Bishop Bob Choules, not every trial in our life is in our control.  3 components to this are

1. trials we have caused by our own actions--bad decisions or choices-- for example
2. trials created by another person which effect our life--so many things fit into this category,  just a few--a husband or wife who choose to step outside the boundaries of marriage,  child abuse, the murder or loss of a family member because of someone else's choice, loss of a job--etc
3. trials that come from just living in this world we live in by no choice of yours or others, example would be a life threatening disease, economy, natural disasters etc.

I have been thinking about all of these components that can and will create trials in our lives, I myself, have experienced all three.  Boy have I made some wrong choices in my life, I wouldn't necessarily call them BAD choices but there have been things in my life I wish I had not done or things I wish I had not said, some of these have caused me to kneel and ask for forgiveness and to also go to others to say "I'm sorry I hurt you" in looking back at some of these choices I see how they effected not only myself but others who I love--however, I think the trials Bishop was talking about are probably much harsher or serious.  I have seen these trials in other people's lives within my own family--oh how grateful I am for the knowledge I have of the Atonement and how it can bless our lives and help us become whole again, fully loved and accepted by our Heavenly Father, lessons learned from these mistakes can and should make us better people, closer to HIM who loves us so much,

Trials in our lives that are chosen by another person and effect us are a little bit more tricky to forgive and move forward from.  However, no matter what the devastation this trial has brought into your life I truly believe we have been given the power from our Heavenly Father to truly forgive.  I don't necessarily believe we have an obligation to invite that person back into our lives, for example if one of my daughters were to get raped, I could eventually come to a forgiving heart but I would not invite this person to my home for dinner--does this mean I have not forgiven them fully--I think not--it means I can forgive the act of violence but I will not put my family through more devastation and I am not willing to have a sit down dinner with this person--the Lord will take care of the rest.  If someone has stolen from me, I could forgive them and yes, I could have them for dinner. ha ha

The third, well this 3rd component is near and close to my heart.  I don't consider a health issue or death from cancer or heart attack a devastation--a trial YES, but not a devastation.  There are so many things in our lives that happen just because,  nothing anyone else caused or by any cause of your own. Sometimes in health issues its all about genetics--When my diagnosis with breast cancer came, I was in shock because I thought I was very healthy, I always thought Eric would be the one in our marriage I would have to help.  Oh yes, lessons have been learned and still continue to amaze me.  I have done everything the doctors have asked me to do (well almost) I eat right, no sugar, no white flour,  (except for special occasions) no processed food, no running, exercising to my ability (this has been extremely hard on me since I love it so much and it has always been such a huge part of my life) I can sit and ask why? Why are these things continuously happening to me, and believe me there are days when I do--Eric and I just had this conversation the other night.

  I recently had a mini stroke, with doctors,  oncologist and neurologist debating what treatment would be best for me, I finally decided that I would take the blood thinner to help with the strokes.  I had the side of my face go completely paralyzed, major migraine, slurred speech, and short term memory loss.  For me the blood thinner is a much easier solution and less likely to kill me, it is not safe for me to be driving when I have these symptoms, if my cancer decides to come back I will go off of the blood thinners and a surgery could be put off for a few days to get the thinners out of my system.   So the truth about life is WE are somewhat in charge of our own choices, but ultimately the LORD is in charge--my friend Marian Priday text me an asked me how I was feeling and what the doctors had to say, I told her "obviously the Lord does not have any room in the INN for me right now"  Maybe when i finally learn what it is that I am supposed to learn a room will become available. For today,  listen to my body, and do what I think is best for me.

Sticks and Stones🚩

Remember the phrase? "sticks and stones, may break your bones, but words will never hurt you?" Who ever came up with that saying was a little off their rocker--sticks and stones will certainly hurt bones, and scratch the skin, but words, oh words can leave a lasting sting on the heart and soul.

Even at my old age of 50, words can hurt.  They can penetrate a heart and soul and for many leave a lifelong scar.  It's interesting, we sometimes say the harshest words to the ones we love the most. Why is that?  Maybe because we know them the best and we know what will hurt them, maybe we know they will forgive us, especially when it is family.  I was so upset a couple of weeks ago, my daughter was wearing a pair of pants that belonged to me, and although this was not the source of my anger, it escalated into me telling her to take them off before she went home, I did this in anger, and immediately felt the pain I had caused her--of course an apology was necessary, and I'm quite sure this will be a comical story told at my funeral or memorial service one day when I am long gone, but truly as I write this now I am embarrassed and sorry for how I treated her, it was not necessary.

I was deeply saddened by words spoken to me recently, it's going to take a long time to get those echoing words out of my mind, and then out of my heart, not necessarily by a family member, but even a complete stranger can not knowingly trigger a memory or  thought that can hurt.

One of the only compliments I ever heard my mother give me growing up, was that I had the ability to be stung by the words of others, sting back (sometimes unnecessarily) get over it, and move on.
In so many ways I am still that little girl,  I am usually not effected by the words of others, unless they are words of wisdom I can use in my life. Other than those words I try to keep the negative out, but I have this nasty side of me that comes out like the devil sometimes, you know when someone says something mean about one of your children?  That mother hen comes out and fights for her own.

It's amazing to me how a song or smell can take me right back to my childhood, or teen years.  There are certain songs I listened to during difficult times in my life, that now I cannot stand to have my ears hear.  There is a smell that will take me back to an awful memory of life.  However, there are tender moments with music that will immediately take me back to a grateful place, a place to keep me grounded and happy for who I am, and what I believe in.

The Lord gives us the ability to forgive others, this is a commandment.  For so many years I wondered how this was possible, how could our Heavenly Father ask us to forgive those who had hurt me so deeply, especially the people in my life who I was sent to from Heaven to be protected by and loved unconditionally for eternity.  I soon realized it was my responsibility to form my own relationships with others respectfully and worthily.  As a young mother, I was unsuccessful in doing these things, I tried so hard to keep my covenants, but many times missed the mark by raising my voice or speaking unkindly to my children or my husband.  I realize now after attending the temple on a regular basis that Satan has his ways of  getting us to follow him, then he says "now go and get someone else to do this too" oh how evil enjoys company, and so many of us follow as it is so tempting to act out instead of embrace and say "I'm sorry, I was wrong" so much of this selfishness we portray is Satan getting his way, prompting us to follow in his ways. I promise those ways will bring you into the darkness and can be a black whole hard to get out of.

Recognize the good in others, not their stains. At times a stain needs appropriate attention to be cleansed, but always build on his or her virtues.

When you feel that there is only a thin thread of hope, it is really not a thread but a massive connecting link, like a life preserver to strengthen and lift you. It will provide comfort so you can cease to fear. Strive to live worthily and place your trust in the Lord.

We need not worry if we can’t simultaneously do all of the things that the Lord has counseled us to do. He has spoken of a time and a season for all things. In response to our sincere prayers for guidance, He will direct us in what should be emphasized at each phase of our life. We can learn, grow, and become like Him one consistent step at a time.--Richard Scott.

I love you my sweet children, there is nothing you will ever do or say that can take away my unconditional love for you--

   

Have You Been Born Again?

Today while at the Mayo Clinic, a man asked me "have you been born again?" It took me by surprise, since I was not even remotely having any type of conversation with him to begin with, however, I answered "why yes, yes I have and thank you for asking"

During the day I have thought about that question and wondered HAVE I BEEN BORN AGAIN?  Not being able to get my mind off of it, I decided that man asked me this question for a reason, not sure what HIS reasoning was but it sure has made me think.

I know in some religious beliefs, people are known to use the term "born again" as meaning they have given their life and self to the Lord.  If that being my belief then I would say "yes I have been born again"

For me, being "born again" means each and every time we are faced with a challenge, (and by a "challenge"  I mean a life altering challenge like being sexually abused or life threatening, divorce, death of a spouse anything that causes your life to change) instead of turning it into a negative force that destroys everything in its path with anger, including your soul, your able to step away, give it time and ask the question "what can I learn from this?" with that being said I think I have been born again several times in my life.

I have been angry, very angry with the man who abused me and the mom who walked away from me.   I have felt the fear of rage take over my whole being to the point of wanting to take my own life. I know what it feels like to have no control over what is happening to my body and to be enraged almost to the point of hatred. I have mourned the death of my brother and blamed myself for the "what ifs"

Every single time I experienced these emotions, they dug deeper and deeper into developing a person who was negative, angry and depressed, taking it all out on others including my own family. The 1st turning point for me was when I faced my fear (my dad) and confronted the abuse--this was my first "born again" moment, it was at that time I realized I cannot control anyone else, how they act, how they respond or even how they lie.  It was at that moment a light bulb went off in my head--"I am in control now, I control how I will respond, how I will learn and how I will teach my children to forgive"  The 2nd "born again" moment was when I had truly forgiven him, when the calm after the storm came, and I knew he could no longer effect me or my children, I wrote an email to him after 16 years of no contact and told him I had forgiven him and that I hoped he was living a happy life--6 months later he died, and I was at his bedside.

I was "born again" when I finally forgave myself for so many things I had done to offend others, after reaching out to them and apologizing truly letting go of my actions and words that had hurt others, I gave it to the Lord and hoped those people would forgive me too.  This included forgiving myself for the death of my brother--

When I was diagnosed with cancer--I was not quite ready to accept this new life I was going to take on, but I was "born again" when I faced it, prayed and pleaded with the Lord to forgive me and help me to be a better person, I KNOW HE DID.

Most recently I was "born again" when I went to the Dominican Republic and lived the life of my missionary son for a couple weeks--He will never know what that meant to me, and how proud I am of the work he accomplished while he was there--what a great experience I can check that one off of my bucket list, but I will never ever forget it--Oh, I love Weeyum, and now appreciate even more the son who came home a man.

All of us, have challenges in our life, and if you say you don't well get ready to have it scheduled on the calendar because the Lord will not put us here on earth without challenging us and testing us, it's just that some people have different challenges than others.

 Recently a dear friend of mine who I greatly admire and love wrote me a loving email, this is  a portion of what it said "I want you to know, Monya, that if I could take 
this on for you and bear
 it instead of you having to bear it,
 I would do it in a minute" and my response to him was "of course you would, because that's the kind of man you are, and one of the reasons I love you and your family so much " but I also said this to him "how can I complain when I'm the one who agreed to live this life?"  We all agreed to live our life, so live it, love it and learn from it.

Time To Get Away From Life's Trials🚩

Envoy--USAIRWAYS no better way to fly

the food

 One year ago Eric surprised me with a trip to Paris, it was an incredible trip and we decided that this time every year we are going to take the time together and plan a trip to places we have always wanted to go--NO REGRETS is our theme for life.
On Wednesday I flew with Kayla, Jeremy and Recker from New Haven Connecticut to Philadelphia they needed to catch their connecting flight back to Arizona and I was meeting with Eric to fly to Frankfurt Germany then on to Venice--One of the perks of working for USAIRWAYS is Eric and I are able to fly for free, and we can upgrade to 1st class when it is available, this makes it affordable for us to go on these trips.  As we snuggled into our very comfortable Envoy seats  I began to think about all that  has crossed my path this year.  This time last year I was just starting to get some hair.  When I returned from Paris with Eric, Dr. Kreymerman and I had a date in the OR to take out my expanders and finish up my reconstructive surgery, went back into surgery just a week before Christmas to finish up with PK.  Blake passed his year mark on his mission. One smidge of information I have not shared with many people --While I was in Paris last year I began to bleed vaginally, I tried very hard to keep it from Eric but when I woke up one night with a hemorage  I could not hide it any longer and he insisted I see Dr. Magtibay when we got home.   Dr. Magtibay is my gynocological oncologist, with some concern that the cancer had returned we scheduled a partial hysterectomy for January.  I remember crying in his office when he told me, he asked why I was so scared and confused about this surgery, I finally for the 1st time in my life opened up to him and Dr. Kreymerman about my fears-I do not feel comfortable talking about the details here on my blog, but I will say it has everything to do with the sexual abuse I endured as a child.  I cannot even begin to explain how difficult it was to talk about those details, to actually say the words outloud made me want to vomit.  I felt safe and comforted with both Dr. Magtibay and Kreymerman.  On the day of my surgery Dr. Kreymerman knowing how hard this surgery was going to be on me showed up in his scrubs just before they knocked me out, when he came in I could actually feel my heart leap in my chest, just before I was in a fetal position hysterically crying.  This was not his day in the hospital and probably had some patients waiting at the Clinic, but right now he was there for me, holding my hand his smiling face was the last I saw before I went out. I truly Love Dr. Peter Kreymerman. That was a special day for me.  I now look over at Eric and he is so asleep, snoring as loud as ever, this man means more to me than he or anyone else will ever know.  When I think about all he has endured with me and never complained, not one time it makes me smile...we belong together, and the past couple of months have been rough on me, without him I think I would of had a break down.  Some of you who have read my blog know about my friend Trystan, I met her about a year ago when she emailed me after reading my blog one evening.  Without going into all the details I will tell you that she told me she had a 2 year old daughter named Paige who died in a car accident she too was in a coma for 5 months, during that time her husband committed suicide, now she was going through cancer treatments and needed someone to talk to, when she found my blog and emailed me I was more than happy to share what I knew with her, over the next 7 months or so we became very close friends. During most of this time she was in the Mayo Hospital in Rochester where she was not only fighting the cancer with chemo, she needed a kidney which I was asked to donate to her, after talking it over with my family I decided I would. Our family fasted, prayed and even invited her to be included in our FHE on Monday nights via the phone.  There are so many more details that I really don't want to go into, but we found out she was a fraud, she never had a child that died in fact she has never given birth or been married, she did not have cancer--basically everything she told me was a lie her purpose was to find women who are vulnerable and get them to donate to a fake non profit organization she has for children with cancer, and for the kidney foundation--however the money is being directly deposited into her personal bank account.  I have now been in contact with at least 7 women who have been hurt by her.  The embarrassment and stress this has caused me is difficult to explain but one thing I know for sure is that the Lord has things happen in our lives for a  reason, I believe the reason is so that Shannon, April, Lisa, Donna, Ashley, Carol, Helen and the others could bless my life with their love and compassion, they have all become great friends thanks to Trystan--oh and by the way Trystan is not her name according to her parole officer.  I still continue to pray for her to get the help she needs and to find some peace in her life.
HONEST: I love People
TRUTH:  This could happen to anyone--maybe even me again
REALITY:  Life brings all sorts of people into our lives, we need to learn from them all
LEARNED:  Be myself-ALWAYS-it's not necessary to be a friend with someone who is not true to themselves or to you--I CAN'T SAVE EVERYONE

Now as I sit in this seat flying over international seas my thoughts are changed to another problem that is drowning my brain ....MY MOM--Recently I received a phone call from Ron Lundberg, his wife Susan is my moms best friend, Ron says my mom is not doing well and the husband and wife who are living with her as her health care workers are moving to Texas after being with her for 2 years.
This has been weighing on my mind for weeks now. She is not able to care for herself and refuses to move into a facility--the healthcare worker is turning her over to the state for evaluation.  I explained to Ron and Susan if I thought for one second my taking her in and caring for her would change anything I would in a heart beat--I asked him if I could pray  about it and discuss it with my sisters before making a decision, there is so much more detail to this story that I don't want to judge or go into it on my blog.  My heart is telling me maybe there is some HOPE for our mother daughter relationship, but my mind is saying NO WAY should I go there--my doctors are aware of the situation and in no way think I should be putting myself in any stressful situations--I took a week to think about it pray about it and discuss it with my sisters, then we met with Susan and Ron, they too have prayed about this situation and confirmed what Heavenly Father has already told me--now is not the time, she is not ready to change her heart--she would like an apology from me---I am not sure exactly what I need to apologize for but I would over and over again if I thought it would help cure and mend her heart. I spiritually, mentally and physically cannot put myself through this again--so for now, again, I turn it over to the Lord and let him take care of what I can't.  My thoughts and prayers will continually be with her for her health and spiritual well being.
So with that all being said--I am ready for a vacation from LIFE --we just arrived in Venice and I am excited about our little adventure.

Where I Grew Up

House on Highland

I was not blessed as a child to grow up in the same house for all of my years.  Recently I drove by the houses, we called "home" in Phoenix.  Floods of memories came back to me, the house I lived in during my elementary school years looked so small to me now, across the street was the Solice family.  I was in 2nd grade throwing the football back and forth with the Solice children when the football exploded in my arms and immediately broke my eardrum, I remember my mom grabbing me and hugging me tight as I cried from the pain. I endured many many surgeries on my right ear.  Previous to the football explosion I had a blow to the ear, my birth father was drunk and hit me one night when I was 2 or 3 years old, I am now deaf in that ear.  In this house my step brothers and sisters were taken from school one day by their mother, she drove them to California and I never saw them again.  I remember my sisters and I throwing toilet paper all over the yard and trees the night my mom gave birth to my little brother Lance.  One of the scariest things that has ever happened to me happened here, my mother was cooking dinner in the kitchen,  I was sitting at the little table I looked up and there standing in the middle of our kitchen behind my mom was a child, not just any child she never came out during the day, she had what seemed to be transparent pink skin, extremely white Afro hair, even more white than mine was and her eyes were red, she looked right at my mom and asked if I could play with her.  I later found out she was an albino of African decent, we became friends and then one day she was gone, I wonder now as I think back about that day, where she is, who she became, where she grew up.  Then I realize in this house there are memories, but this is not where I grew up.

51st avenue house

I actually drove past our house on 51st avenue several times before I recognized it, then I sat in my car for a long time in front of the house, this was my junior high years, down the street was the Hulshoff family.  In the summer months I remember playing kick the can and hide and seek with them every night, I had my 1st kiss on this street with a boy named Eric. I'll never forget the day Elvis Presley died my mom cried like a baby, I remember learning how to mow the lawn here, pull weeds here and get grounded for lint balls being left behind on the carpet after vacuuming.  I don't want to look at this house, this is the house where bad things happened, this is the house where I was forced to choose between sparing my mom's feelings and my step dad's desires.   The tears are flowing as I look at the bedroom window (on the left) where I lived, so many times I wanted to jump out that window and run, run and never look back.  This house is filled with horrid memories, but this is not where I grew up.

79th avenue house

Driving towards our house off of 79th avenue I was shaking, actually not knowing if I could do this,  and why was I doing this?  I turned in and on the left was Sara's house she lived  behind us, up ahead was Susan's house. Driving towards my house I was overwhelmed with emotions, this was the house I lived in during my High school and young adults years.  I could just see my white 65 mustang parked out front, I  smiled  thinking about the memories my friends and I had in that car.   On the front lawn is where I took pictures  in my cap and gown on graduation night from Alhambra High school 1981, little did I know just a few short years later in this very house my brother Lance would die,  he was only 15 years old. I will never forget that cold November morning.  I wonder if the people living here now know what a special spirit lived in that house, we all loved Lance so much.  I miss him.  I met my husband Eric while I lived in this house,  he was the 1st person to ever say "I love You", I fell in love with him while I lived in this house.  I knelt and prayed at my bedside sometimes for hours, begging the Lord to help me SURVIVE.  I made promises with the Lord, I promised HIM if he would help me get out of this house I would promise to always keep the Gospel in my life,  and try my hardest to be good.  Now looking back I realize the Lord kept his promises to me, and understanding the Atonement a little better than I did back then I know all things happen for a reason.  In this house is where I first new the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, that HE loved me, even if I felt no one else did, HE DID.  As I stare at this house I cannot help but remember so many bad memories, there was  not a lot of love in this home, there was abuse verbally, physically, mentally and sexually yet through it all I knew that it was just  a small chapter of my life, I some how knew good things were yet to come for me, and believe it or not this is not where I grew up.  As I drove away I looked in the rear view mirror, thinking good-bye and good riddance I will never come back hear again, but the memories will never fade.

Our Home on Seneca in Chandler

On my way home I decided to drive by the homes Eric and I have lived in, I wanted to write down the memories I felt at each one of those homes also.  In Chandler Arizona there is a house where Eric and I brought home Kayla and Blake from the hospital after giving birth. In this home we laughed, cried and loved together, in this home I worked hard at learning how to be a wife and mother, I always felt like I was still not good enough.  In this home I learned to cook, clean and be responsible not only for myself but now for a family. I remember one night a cricket was just outside our bedroom window and I went outside searching, determined to get "rid" of it.  In this home I was so busy with being a mother I failed to read my scriptures like I should,  I compared myself to other mothers and wives I let the world define "motherhood" I struggled with self esteem.  I attended the Temple once a week with Eric's dad for over a year so that I could learn more.  We met Tom and Tamy Scheurn, she became a great friend and sister in the gospel.  Still as I stare at this home thinking about the memories I know this is not where I grew up either.

Our Home on Cove in the Islands

One more stop before getting home, the Islands.  In this home  we welcomed Kaitlyn and Haleigh to our family.  In this home I still continued on my quest to do everything "right" I wanted to be like sister "perfect" you know the one ... she gets up at the crack of dawn grinds her own wheat, bakes her homemade bread,  picks fruit off her own trees and makes jams and jellies, makes breakfast for her family, has family scriptures and prayer,  having FHE was a priority,  visits the sick with a prepared meal,  and looking impeccable on Sundays was a must, all children matched clothes on Holidays such as Christmas and Easter, and although these things are admirable, I realized while living in this home I needed to want to do these things because it would enhance and bless our life, not because everyone else was doing it.  In this home Kayla broke her arm and had to have surgery, Blake broke his arm and several other bones jumping off everything he could climb on.  Eric and I met Mike and Jenny Scow, they have become forever friends, we celebrated my 30th birthday with Jenny and Mike while living in this home.   In this home is where I realized a dad should have respect and compassion for his children, I learned this by watching Eric with our children.  I learned that I was not living in reality and it was time to face it, a year later I confronted my step dad about my abuse,  he denied it, my mother denied it and ultimately walked away from her children and grandchildren.  In this home was the darkest time of my life, the guilt I felt for breaking up our "Eternal Family" was so overwhelming I went into a deep depression, but still this is not the home where I grew up.

Where we live now in Gilbert on Poinciana

Leaving the Islands we moved into the home we are in now, still I was broken, my heart ached for my mom I wanted that relationship to be mended, I tried so many times and every time I came away even more hurt than the time before, I once sat in a fetal position by the front door crying until Eric got home because I was so upset about my mom. Debbie Slade became a dear friend and helped me through some pretty rough times, she called David LeSueur  who at the time was our Stake President, he layed his hands on my head and gave me a blessing that I will never forget, a blessing to be able to find peace in my heart, from that day on I began to heal from my past, finally realizing none of what happened was my fault, finally for the 1st time in my life I felt at peace with my decisions.  Haleigh was in the nursery, only 18 months old when we moved here, all of my children were baptized on their birthdays while living in this home. In this home I raised my voice way too much trying to deal with being the mother of teens.   I began looking to other woman for inspiration,  advice, love and recipes, I seriously hated that I could not just get on the phone and call mom for those things. In this home I watched our children face challenges, I spent  and spend many many hours on knees praying individually for my children to understand the importance of obedience. I learned the importance of saying "I'm sorry, I was wrong" We took pictures of each one of our children going to Prom, they all graduated from Highland High School while we've  lived here. Kayla and Jeremy were married and had their reception in our backyard.  Eric and I gathered our children and son in law together at our kitchen table to break the news that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer, 6 weeks later I  sent my son off to the Dominican Republic so he could full fill his dream of serving the Lord on a 2 year mission,  I went through a double mastectomy, was told my cancer had spread,  endured another surgery to have the lymph nodes removed,  had another reception in our backyard for Kaitlyn and Brian, started chemo 2 days later, the next month our 1st grandchild was born, followed by radiation and another few surgeries.  It was not until I went through my cancer treatments that I finally realized how much Eric loves me, how much love I have to give and most important how much my Heavenly Father loves me and has been with me for every step of my life decisions.  I know HE lives, this is something I am completely sure of,  I can now see the times when he carried me and literally pulled me out of overwhelming situations, but still this is not where I grew up.

During my short 48 years  on this earth I have learned that a House is just a structure built of wood or stone to create 4 walls and a roof.  What truly makes a HOME is the love, compassion, respect, laughter, joy and enduring the trials a family goes through together.  A HOME is where a child should not be afraid to live, every person in that HOME deserves to be listened to, and hugged.  Every member of that family needs to know they are loved, especially by their mom and dad, everyday they should hear those words.  I wish I had been taught this as a child.  I wish I had lowered my voice and softened my heart when my teens were struggling, knowing this now surely makes me want to be a better mother, wife, and grandmother, this is the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, no matter what age we figure all this out, it's never too late, HE loves us all THAT much.

The Beautiful Mesa Arizona Temple

It is here that I grew up, in the Temple of the Lord.  In this Temple  is where I searched my heart and soul and found answers to life's scariest questions.  Who am I really?  What defines me as a woman?  What and who are the most important in my life?   Have I done all I can do to be the kind of person the Lord will be proud of?  What can I do to make life better for someone else? I learned here that I am a daughter of God, that HE knows me by name and wants nothing but happiness for me, and that it is up to me to decide how I will obtain that happiness.  In this Temple is where I discovered my true identity and it had nothing to do with the size of our home, how much money my husband makes, the style of clothes I wear, or the car I drive. This is where I learned to listen to the spirit for my answers and guidance.  I also learned how to forgive, truly forgive those who have offended me.  For me the answers came at different times in my life, when the Lord knew I was ready to hear the answers, when it was my season to learn what I needed to learn.  I learned to let the Lord work things out, to put things in his hands and if I am doing all I can do to be more like him,  whether in this life or the next it will all work out.

I