The truth stings

Hip and back pain, back in Dr. Freeman's pain clinic today at Mayo.  I love my doctors, he is a good man, they all are.  Walking into the hospital gave me uncomfortable feelings of remembrance, being in pain for me has become an issue  I won't address unless it get to at least on an 8 on a scale from 0-10.  The medicines for pain I despise.  When I walked into the hospital today I immediately looked to my left, this is where I watched a woman die while the paramedics tried to save her, and I was jealous, I wished it had been me.  I'm not afraid to die, but enjoy life right now too.

Mayo Clinic "the place"

The nurse came in with  Dr. Freeman  asks my name, birth date and asks "what are we doing for you today?" ha, umm for me or to me? without hesitation I reply "hurting me to take away my pain" how weird is that statement?  They both, not knowing how to respond say "where are we going to hurt you today" laughter "in my hip and lower back" He gives me trigger spot shots, and when he does he jiggles the needle around to make sure he gets the entire area around where the initial pain is.  Every time he does that I want to come off the table, he always says "almost done, I'm sorry it hurts"  I have not seem him since my surgery in at Mayo Clinic in the Spring, we were able to have a good private conversation about how I'm really doing.  That one is so hard to talk about, I'm not sure how I am doing, in comparison to what?

Recovery, drinking my daily routine

I have been staying really busy, working at US Airways, I have the best management and supervisor I could ask for, they really care.  Also, working on being Happy, trying to deal privately with, if my face has to stay the way it is right now, am I going to be OK with that? I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel, but at times I am lonely in THAT world. I have researched partial facial paralysis, gone to the library, online and trying to reach out to anyone who has suffered or is dealing now with this--NOTHING--I guess I understand a little more about what Dr. Barr's was talking about when he said this is rare for a nerve to just die, with no apparent reason.  This is not like having a stroke or Bell's Palsy where the nerve is damaged,  and WILL eventually snap back, this is a dead nerve, which means it will not live again, or regenerate.

This is what a dead nerve looks like--and it's mine.

Going to Cleveland Clinic to see Dr. Gastman was to take a live nerve from my ankle and replace the dead nerve in my head with a good nerve, hoping it will grow together with the nerves on either side.  IF this works,  we will not see any results for a year, and I will maybe get 30% of facial movement back.  If it does not work, they want to cut along my hairline pull my face back and take nerve from my left side of my head and connect it with the one on the right, then wait another year.   I'm not sure I want to go through that again.  Going back and forth to Cleveland Clinic is difficult for me, not getting results or answers is frustrating, wanting to say "WHY" is realistic on some day's.

Getting to hear for the 1st time in 48 years was fantastic, I heard things I'd never heard before, sounds most people I know take for granted.  That first night coming home was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had, without a doubt the Lord was smiling down on me along with Colby.  What I wasn't prepared for was going to work the next day, ready to share my new exciting news was quickly turned to sadness.  Actually hearing what people say about me, it hurt, none of them were saying it to hurt me in fact none of them know I could hear it,  and they all were saying it out of love for me--still the sting of truth hurts. Going to the store, watching people quickly look away when we make eye contact I've been able to get used to, but now hearing opinions I am the one looking down and away before eye contact is made. I thought I was going to make new connections and share in the beauty of small sounds, be able to give the gift of not taking for granted, the sound of a pen writing on a piece of paper, or the clicking of the keys on the keyboard as we making reservations, the fact that I could for the first time be able to turn the phone volume down. Instead what I heard was "I feel so sorry for her" "She is so strong" "Have you ever read her blog?" "I don' think her face is ever going to be the same"  "She used to have such a beautiful smile" tears ran down my cheeks as I sat and heard these words coming from I'm not sure who, as I am still trying to distinguish where sounds are coming from.  We have cubicles where we sit,  I quickly wiped my tears so no one could see, and took my BAJA off.  I haven't worn it since that day to work.

So proud of Mayo Clinic, this Cancer Center has been in the
works for year's, it's getting done, they will have a proton
radiation beam, the only one in the Western part of the
nation.  Proton beams are used to radiate certain cancer's and
can pinpoint to  99.9% . 

I am the one who get's to decide what my destiny is, what my life will be and who I decide to share my light with.  I love my co workers, I love my family and friends, but I need to be OK with 'me'.
I will decide where I end up, I'm doing what I can to figure all that out, and until I do I can't wear the BAJA.  I pick and choose,  and I'm taking it slow, because sitting in this moment right now, I'm feeling things I've never felt before.  My heart has never beat so hard in my chest than it has in the times when I've been wearing the BAJA.  I feel blessed to know, the people around me are sincerely my friends, they are kind and loving, at least nothing bad was said--just the truth--the truth I was not prepared to hear.  Reality is, I need to work on me, on my confidence, get rid of the negative and concentrate on the positive.  There's a fire in me that I can never deny, I know He lives and He loves me.  It is my faith and my hope over the years that has given me such peace, given me strength to endure and enjoy the sweetness of life.  However, I've tasted the truth and my heart will never be the same. That is not necessarily a bad thing, maybe I needed a taste of reality.  It's just going to take some time to process what it is He wants me to learn.

Off of my balcony in my bedroom, the moon
is beautiful tonight, this picture does
not do justice.  It is HUGE, YELLOW and
GOEGEOUS

I will wear the BAJA on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, to hear Stephen Phelps and the choir sing Come thou Font of every Blessing.  I have so much to be grateful and have been blessed with a good life---music touches my soul and helps me to heal.  It's just a longer process this time.

I'm a woman of infinate worth

Another night of insomnia, I cannot stop thinking about The Wentworth Family tonight.  Our girls danced together for years, Darbie and Sierra have always had a special place in heart, especially offering their personal prayers for me when I need or needed them. As I knelt to pray tonight, I asked God to wrap his arms in and around their hearts, comfort them with His love.  I have  perfect knowledge that their son Buddy is being watched over and taken care of, he is in a peaceful place that is nothing like earth, and he will be with his family again.

I recently received this bookmark from a dear friend, who I admire and love for her strength and love of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  She too lost her son, it just never seems fair that a child should go to Heaven before their parents.  Living in this world we face so many challenges, and what makes it all worth it is knowing the Savior died for us, we have knowledge of the Atonement.  We hear all the time "The Lord never gives us trials we cannot endure"  I have had some bumps along the way, especially in the last few years, but I am grateful the Lord knows I could not handle losing a child or grandchild.  I'd rather take on any pain or heartache to keep my children and grandchildren safe from harm.

I love this...Thank You Carla Kelly. I see this everyday
when I read and it reminds me of great promises.

Even when we are feeling broken, we are loved.  It's hard to heal from a tragedy like this, but the hands of mercy and grace offer us a peaceful feeling of HOPE and FAITH in something bigger than ourselves.  I know I am loved, I know He is aware of me and I know what I need to do to return with honor to Him and live with my family forever. There is a reason we are all here on earth, we are all children of infinite worth, and we are part of His eternal plan, we may not always understand what that means, but as we discover His unconditional love for us as individuals we start to understand just how hard it is for Him to see us suffer, we are His children.  I know I've had to turn to the Lord for peace on days when I have not wanted to be here anymore.  Searching your soul and finding out who you are, I mean the REAL authentic person you are, has been more fulfilling to me than any one thing I have learned in the past 51 years.

CJ Udall's Funeral (celebration of life)

It's been a long week, I have tried to keep my thoughts and energy towards Dwight and Jori.  The Udall family has seen miracles happen in their lives this week.  Tender mercies from the Lord as they have been processing the death of their youngest son CJ.  Last night Dwight and Jori held a celebration in honor of CJ.  The LDS religion believes in celebrating life, not focusing on death.
What a great way to honor CJ, he touched so many lives... celebrate what he was able to accomplish in his 11 years of life on this earth.

We believe he came to earth to get his body, his spirit was perfect in every way and he is and has been protected by the spirit of God as he has lead his life with joy, compassion and spread his love to all he met.  Some have said "why, if he is protected by Heavenly Father, would HE choose to take him now?" There are no answers for that, but I believe Jori and Dwight will have the honor as they live righteously to be with him again.

Listening to Jori  tell of CJ's life story was an incredible act of service she rendered, one that I am not sure I could do.  In fact I said to Eric "all I can think of is our little Recker, who will give his life story?" I loved the words Dwight shared with the congregation, the word Advocate is sincerely a perfect word to describe a parent with a special disability.  Especially when a child is non-verbal and wants so badly to communicate.  The spirit was with me today, as I sat and listened to this sweet family spread happiness and give meaning to CJ and the life he lived.

The memory of CJ's life will forever live on.  I know a couple of mothers who have lost a child early in their life, however, I have sat back and watched them blossom into loving inspirational people helping those around them to process in their own way.

Tiffany Check and her husband are one of the couples I know who have not lost the memory of their sweet daughter, but who are doing their best to live strong, experience tender mercies and recognize those blessings and feelings of her spirit through the Holy Ghost testifying to them.....they will see their sweet daughter again, she will have a perfect body, a perfect mind and will teach them more than they can ever teach her.  I also feel this will be the same with Dwight and Jori.

CJ Udall

Mesa mom says son died trying to save his dog - WFSB 3 Connecticut

↑CLICK ON THE LINK ABOVE TO SEE THE PRESS RELEASE ↑

I've been so proud of Jori and Dwight, my heart aches for them, but spending time with them this week has been such a spiritual experience for me.  My testimony of the Savior and His love for all of His children has been re-confirmed.  This sweet little angel boy touched more lives than he ever knew, it was simple for him he loved people unconditionally.  Just as our Savior does  Oh how I wish I had that kind of love for everyone I come in contact with.

The last couple of days all I can think of is CJ.   There was a time when I was a little girl I tried so hard to touch the stars, I remember laying on the grass in our front yard with my hands stretched as high as I could trying to grasp something, anything I could tangibly touch.  There were times at church I squirmed in my seat trying hard to concentrate on what my primary teacher was trying to teach me.  The older I got, not much changed, except I lived with a quiet ache trying to reach for a truth, desperate to discover something that has always been just out of my reach.  It seemed that Linda and Jami knew what the truth was, I remember one night praying,  a stirring in my heart told me, the knowledge is still yet to come.  Once I felt that special feeling I never wanted to be without it.

Today, as I was remembering those long past days I realized everything I have been learning in this school of life is leading me up to what Heaven is for.

C J is now learning, he is in a school, a Heavenly school, gaining knowledge none of us have, sharing, smiling and finally home where he belongs.  Sometimes we are so desperate to learn it all now, but some of the knowledge is saved, saved for another journey a journey we will gladly take with our Heavenly Family.

CJ Udall-perfect body, perfect mind

Saturday March 15, 2014

What started out to be a beautiful sunny spring day, ended in being a tragic yet spiritual experience for me.  I was in a meeting when I got a text from Kayla saying "Have you talked to Jori? is CJ OK or what is going on?"  "why?" was my reply she said "He's been missing and they pulled his dog out of a canal"  Having no Internet connection I panicked when I text Jori and did not hear back (she always texts back) I left the meeting went home to get more information, then headed straight to Jori and Dwight's home.  When I arrived there were police cars, many many other cars and my heart was pounding as I walked up to her home.  Jori and I have been friends for over 20 years and her husband Dwight and Eric grew up together.  I should also insert here that Eric dated Jori, right before dating me....(long story not pertained to this)
I was greeted by Jori's brother Scott, and Dwight's brother Kent Udall.  It was now that I realized CJ had drown in the canal behind their home.  Last night Jori had a camp out at her home with all the scouts who live in her area.  This morning all the kids were in the pin with the goats laughing and having a great time, when Jori realized CJ was missing--Dwight went out towards Power road looking and yelling for him, Ben, Jori's other son went toward the canal, he yelled for his dad when he found CJ's dog.  Dwight and Jori ran to the canal, Jori hit her knees "yelling, I just want to start the day over, please just let it start over again"  This broke my heart when Kent told me this part.
Jori and I were just at lunch 2 weeks ago talking about how much Recker loves water, and the fear I have of not having a fence around our pool.  This conversation was drowning my thoughts as I walked in to see Jori--she immediately grabbed me and hugged me, I didn't want to cry, I wanted to be strong for her as she sobbed in my arms.  All I could say was "I'm so sorry, Jori, I'm so sorry"  I couldn't help but sob with her.
With the police and investigators still handing around, Jori pulled everyone into her living room, tried her very hardest to be strong and talk to everyone, she explained about the Priesthood and the blessings that come from receiving a Priesthood blessing, she eloquently spoke about CJ, about his testimony, his love for nature, scouting and his family--she invited everyone in the room to stay as her brother gave her a Priesthood blessing. Then Dwight received a blessing from his father Jess Udall.  Dwight then gave his son's Ben and Josh a blessing, I couldn't help but think about when my brother Lance died, I wish I had been offered a Priesthood blessing.  What a difference that could of made in my life as I dealt with his death.  As Dwight gave Ben the blessing, I glanced up at a picture in their home it read We Tend To Seek For Happiness --- a solemn peace came over me, and I cried harder knowing CJ is with his grandfather Carvel Jackson who he is named after--what a grand reunion they must be having--through the sounds of sniffling and tears I could feel this sweet spirit testify to me that HE LIVES -- and now CJ is in a perfect place, with a perfect body.  Dwight talked to us about the day CJ was born, the nurse brought the baby to him and placed him in his arms, even before Jori knew Dwight could see CJ had down sydrome, but as clear as day he heard a voice tell him, "CJ is here for a purpose, protect and watch out for him until the day HE returns to his father in Heaven" he said those words helped him to process what was going to be a life of watching a young boy grow up with challenges
Jori and Dwight raised CJ as if he were just like any typical child, CJ didn't know he had down syndrome.  Just a couple of weeks ago, Jori told me they were at the Cultural Celebration watching Ben practice, when a girl with down syndrome came up to CJ and said Hi, but CJ snubbed her--Jori said she had to have a talk with him about "being nice to the down syndrome kids" CJ didn't like the idea of being nice to a girl, not to mention  one with down syndrome.  I got a kick out of that story, and told Jori she has done such a great job of raising him to be tolerant of everyone.  He knew nothing but compassion and love for everyone he came in contact with. 
My heart aches for them, tonight they will not sleep, right now it's busy, people bringing food, helping fill the void, but when they all leave and the smoke settles I worry about Jori.  CJ was her life, she could not have a conversation without bringing up CJ--she was so proud of him, she loved her time with him, she has become very involved in the scouting world, helping CJ and Ben to achieve their merit badges, and Ben his eagle.
I have never lost a child I can't imagine how I would feel, I know my parents were devastated when Lance died, it was as though he took a piece of their heart with him.  I'm sure Jori will have huge holes in her heart while she processes this trial she is forced to face.  I have heard it said that if all the people we know were brought into a room together to compare trials, most of us would take what we have and be grateful.  Today, as I sat and watched this family mourn the loss of CJ, I felt as if my problems or pains were easy.  The loss of a child is one trial I know the Lord knows I could not handle.  I have so much respect and love for those who have to experience the death of a child, and are able to move forward in faith,  knowing they will again see that child after death.   I'm glad I was able to be a part of the Udall family today, I learned so much from just watching and listening with my heart.  When I try to sleep tonight I will pray for Jori and Dwight, Josh and Ben give them strength and endurance while they try to make sense of a horrible day. I also rejoice that CJ is now with a perfect body, and a perfect mind as he continues on his next chapter and journey.

Better not Bitter

-Regina Clara Heath-

I can't sleep tonight, I wonder if it is selfish to ask the Lord to take it all away for now--probably huh?
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the death of my mother, all the fear and doubts I have ever had about myself are all flooding back into my head and I need a release, at least for now.  I can't carry this burden I'm feeling anymore--I have flown on the wings of the angels who have carried me through life's experiences, my soul has been healed by sweet testimonies born by people in my ward, people who have no idea how they have touched my heart.  This has definitely been a ravenous storm I was not prepared to deal with, I honestly thought this was the one place HE knew exactly how I was feeling, I thought HE truly understood that I could not handle this one, just take it away, let me not feel, let me have numbness and let it pass.  I have asked to please just let Sonya and Kris take care of this one--I understood HE was willing to let me take a "get out of jail" card--obviously HE and I are were not on the same page, because this pain is not going away--I'm glad my kids have not seen my pain, for now I just need to cry--oh boy do I need to cry, just get it all out, I know that it is even hard for my Heavenly Father to see, I have to believe he wants to take it all away and HE has the power to do just that, but where is my learning and growing in him doing that?

Sometimes, I am feeling weakness and the heart ache starts to pull me down, no matter how hard I fight it, I know  I agreed with the Lord he could put this beating heart inside me when I came to earth, HE already knew the fullness of that pain and suffering I would feel--I have full knowledge of this proof he has so graciously let me feel--but today I just need to not ask why, or when it will stop, I just need to let it be what it is--I am broken hearted--more than that, I am broken, I have felt joy in my life, so much joy, so much blessings have come to my family, in fact my family is my blessing, but I wonder if at times like this if it is ok to feel the pain, I know it is not going away anytime soon. I just need this time to try and understand once again what I am supposed to learn.  I know for a fact HE will take the pain away, maybe not today, but HE will take it away--like Hillary Weeks says in her song  "just let me cry" Yesterday I was laughing and enjoying my grandson, pure ultimate joy in my heart--within moments that joy was taken away--I want to come away from this better, not bitter--HE knows my heart, HE knows my willingness to give all I have to HIM, until the last tear drops from my face, I will try to have no regrets, I plead with the Lord to not let me feel those regrets, please take those away, carry them away--I can't take those right now.  Tomorrow is a new day, I will rise, kneel in prayer, cry and repeat if I have to, but please NO REGRETS--please let the healing begin, please with all my weaknesses and mistakes let me feel your grace.

Today Mom Died 11/12/13

The time is 8:15 pm on November 12, 2013
 It's seems weird to write about this, but my feelings are raw and real and I need to write for therapy.  I always wondered what this would feel like, today my mom passed away.  She has been staying in an assisted living home for the past couple of months, only a couple miles from my home.  My sister Sonya, (mother Theresa) got the call from moms bishop that mom needed to be placed in assisted living after her last fall, and Sonya decided driving a couple hours one way everyday to take care of her in Phoenix was a little too much for her, so she made the decision to move mom to this side of town.  A few months before my diagnosis with cancer my step father, Gary died and I was asked by my mother's best friend Susan to please come to the hospital and be with her, I hesitated because besides a couple of hateful letters I had received over the years, (one that almost put me in a mental hospital, I have Debbie Slade and President Lesueuer to thank for that not happening)  it had at that time already been 17 years since I had any contact with either one of them, per my mother's request. 6 months before Gary died, I was at the Temple and out of the blue had a feeling of forgiveness come over me stronger than I had ever felt before, I searched for an email or someway to contact him and let him know.  It simply read "Dear Dad, I want you to know I have forgiven you. I have a beautiful family 3 girls and 1 boy we live in Gilbert Arizona and are very happy.  I hope you are happy too."  Love Monya  within 6 months he passed away and I was at his bedside.  My choice to be at his bedside did not have a lot to do with him, but more to do with mending the relationship with my mother.

 I will never forget walking into that hospital room with my 4 children, my sisters chose not to go and I never judged them for that, in fact Sonya begged me not to go, she is very protective over me and knows I get my hopes up, only to be crushed, and the depression, guilt and heartache start all over again.  She is wise, but I did not listen. I went anyway, it was a tremendously grotesque experience to have my children watch as they pulled the plug on him, it was as if he was fighting to go to the other side, it honestly is what I imagined a person with a demon inside of them trying to get out would look like--I have questioned my motherly instinct on that one for years now.....not a good idea.  But the one thing that struck me and has stayed with me over all these years is that my mother showed no emotion what so ever--NONE.  I spoke with her bishop and told him Eric and I would be willing to help with whatever arrangements needed to be done, hugged my mom and said good bye.  The next day she called me to find out about meeting her at the funeral home, I replied "Yes mom I would love to help you, what time would you like me to pick you up?" and then it came, that voice, it rings in my ears I can still hear her "Monya, I still have one more thing I need to say to  you...." the sarcasm and stinch in her voice let me know this was not going to go well...I quickly responded "mom, please not now, your husband just died yesterday, can we please just let this go, I want a clean start with you"  she abruptly interrupted me and said "You ruined our lives with your lies, and your father was forgiven for what he did"  obviously my next question was "what was he forgiven for? according to you and he both, he never did anything wrong? blah blah blah this led to a huge bowl of tears on my part and I immediately called her bishop to tell him, this was not going to work and he would have to get someone else to go to the funeral home and help her tomorrow, one of my kids called Sonya and told her what had happened as I wept like a baby wanting to be coddled by their mother.  Sonya took measures into her own hands, called my mom and, well lets just say she finally was able to give her a little bit of her own medicine, all in defense of me.  I love Sonya for that.  A few months later came my cancer diagnosis and of course Sonya was protective, not allowing mom to come to the hospital or make life anymore stressful than I needed it to be.  I simply have put the whole ordeal behind me and not looked back, I knew and still do know that my mother is stubborn, that pride will never allow her to say she's sorry, if she did then she would have to do something about it, and that was out of the question for her.

The past month I have realized while reading the Infinite Atonement that I needed to forgive my mother.  I have asked myself over and over again, "how can you forgive your father who beat you as a three year old and as a result made you deaf in one ear?"  'how can you forgive the stepfather who  abused you, but not be able to forgive your own mother?"  Theses questions have haunted me as I have studied the Atonement and tried desperately to comprehend why a mother would walk away from her children and grandchildren, why did she stay with a man who could do such heinous things to her very own flesh and blood.  All these years, all I have ever wanted to hear from her was "I'm sorry, this is not your fault, and wish it had never happened"  or just "I'm sorry" that would of been sufficient.  I was never granted those simple words, or the words "I love you"  One day recently while at the Temple I had that overwhelming feeling again that I needed to let her know I had forgiven her, this is all the Lord asks of us, to Love One Another and to forgive as he did.  Knowing I am about to have another major surgery, I realized I do have one last regret I need to take care of, I need to let her know how I feel, to let her know I have forgiven her and that I know the Lord will take care of all of this mess one day.  I was not expecting anything in return, but my heart had finally been softened enough to acknowledge my weakness in not granting her the forgiveness I have in my heart for all these years of heartache and pain.

Two things happened, 1st I sent a text to my visiting teachers asking them if they would help me, I wanted them to come with me to the assisted living home while I spoke with her,  I felt this was the best way and felt the safest for me personally.  I purposefully did not tell my family, not even Eric or Sonya that I was planning this for Friday the 14th this week. I have wonderful visiting teachers Kathi Cluff who I adore and admire so much, she is not only beautiful physically but have always looked to her for an example of true Christ like love.  Marian Priday, is my other visiting teacher, I love her and have complete faith and assurance in confidentiality with her knowing she will always give me the best advice and help in anyway she can.

The 2nd thing that happened was last weekend I took my girls to a women's convention in downtown Phoenix called Time Out For Women, there were over 5500 women in attendance.  During the very 1st speaker I was so emotional Brad Wilcox was the speaker, he spoke of the Atonement and how to use it in our lives, it felt as though he was speaking to me, and only me, like I was the only one in the room.  He said The Atonement is a Gift, no one made or forced Christ to die for our sins, HE chose it.
and this is literally what I wrote in my note book "The spirit is so strong, my heart is pounding, I cannot get my mom off of my mind"  Let go of willpower and rely on HIS power, turn towards HIM-HE is the light.  My life end goal of enduring to the end is to become more like HIM, to lead a more Christ like life in all that I do and say.
Can people change?
Not without God-
Alone we will fail-
with God all things are possible-

my next line of notes really hit me tonight--
YES--I can do this-through the Atonement of Christ I can face my fears, I can face my mother, and in the holiest of a pure heart I can tell her "I forgive you" and expect nothing in return.
Heaven is not a prize for the perfect, but the future home of all who are willing to be perfected.

Yesterday, I thought about my brother all day, it has been 26 years since his death, he would of been 42 in January.  This is a night I will never forget, Veterans Day has always been a special day to me now.  That night having to tell my parents their only son had died in their home while they were out of town, was hard.  It was a defining moment in my life.

Today, as I sat holding my little grandson, my sister Sonya sent me a text that read "can you talk?" I did not respond knowing Kayla was soon leaving and I just wanted a few more minutes with Ezra. As soon as Kayla left, I got the 2nd text saying my mom was in Banner  Gateway Hospital and for me to come, she was not going to make it--I rushed over there, walked in the solemn room, quiet and with a smell of sickness and death--I stood by her side, told her "Mom, its Monya and I'm here--mom I forgive you" within just a few more very deep breaths the sounds of the flat lines  on the machine went off and she was gone.  Sonya, Greg and myself alone in a room with a woman who had caused so much pain in our lives, suddenly I felt the pains of devastation--now I know what that feels like, its not having been abused, that can be fixed and forgiven, its not having cancer, it's a family ripped apart, because of pride,  a daughter of our Heavenly Father wanting so badly to have a relationship with her mother, call her for a recipe, talk about spiritual moments, share the blessings of an eternal family--just ripped in half--all over PRIDE.

 This earth is our school of learning, and I am saying from an authentic place, that I need to pray for myself to heal my heart from the hurt and pain my mom and dad have caused--help change ME--don't worry anymore about changing HER--The Atonement will allow all of me to change for good--I choose to be authentic, I choose to forgive, I choose to live like the Savior.

Today, if I am absolutely authentic, I had so many emotions go through me--why? why? couldn't my mom say "I'm sorry?" Why, was I not given 2 more days to express my feelings to her?  Was the Lord protecting me from more pain?  When the disciples prayed with Christ in his last days they were filled with desire--am I filled with desire? what is that desire? Because when I am sitting in this hospital room I want to scream out loud, I'm so mad.  After everyone left, I asked if I could have a few minutes with my mom.  My sisters Sonya and Kris had spent much time with her the past couple of months, and even they were ready to move on and go.  When the door shut, I asked Eric to stay with me, I held my moms hand, talked about how small she was, 88 pounds, and kissed her on the forehead, with a final "I forgive you" Eric and I held her hand and he offered one of the sweetest prayers I have ever heard, I did not expect that from him, he has always had such pain and anger towards my parents for what they had put me through, but tonight that side of him was gone and the spirit of healing began.  I wept, and could not control my emotions--so this is how this feels...

Memories, looking forward and Dixie Cups

 When my children were babies, I wondered when they would be potty trained, or done with nursing and able to take a bottle, I loved  when they were sick in the night they always woke Eric up for comfort.  I wanted kindergarten to start, I looked forward to summer vacations with them,  I despised constantly cleaning up after them, day in and day night I tried my best to teach them right from wrong, reading scriptures, teaching them to pray, gathering for Family Home Evening every Monday night, which usually ended in frustration and tears on my part.

I have always wanted to believe my children would never move out of this home with memories we have created together. Now, well now they are all gone and as I look around tonight I see memories in every room of the house. In the kitchen, my children heard me say a very bad word one time and when it happened they scattered like mice, to this day I have wished that didn't happen upon their sweet ears to hear. But also in that very kitchen, we gathered and learned to bake, cook meals and share stories from our busy week while doing dishes.  Our "pretty room" was and is saved for special visits with friends, blessings from Home Teachers and Stake Presidents.  The table we ate every meal on is now old and jagged, ready to be replaced but we have many memories of games played as a family, many Sunday meals learning from each child what they had learned in church that day.  The family room, where our FHE lessons are taught, many tears and much laughter has come out of that room. Eric gave all of our children fathers blessings in that room as we all gathered to listen on the night before school started every year.  The laundry room, many, many lessons on how to wash clothing, how to separate and how to work the washer and dryer, after a few pink t-shirts came out Blake finally got it down, and to this day I think he does all the laundry at his house. I specifically remember locking the door in my office and having a dance party with my girls and I, singing at the top of our lungs a Carrie Underwood song.   Every bathroom in our home has been decorated and redecorated several times.  I will never forget spending many nights on my knees next to Blake's bed while he was on his mission, begging and pleading with the Lord to bring him safely home to me. But my favorite memory of all is the front door, everyday when it opened and those little voices would yell out "mom? where are You?" ready to wrap their arms around my neck and show me their latest art project or grade on a paper.  Also through that front door came many acts of service to my family, many hands have brought meals, many friends have come through that door to bless us with their love, to pray with us on behalf of children, oh behalf of threatening health issues, those are sacred doors open to anyone and everyone I meet.  My home has become a refuge for many of my children's friends, and a few of my own--I remember one time when a friend was struggling with her marriage knocking on my door with her 4 young children, needing a place to stay, of course she was welcomed with open arms--the next day another knock came to my door with criticism for allowing them to retreat to our home--at the time I didn't fully understand, and I was angry, my response was "Christ would never turn anyone away" the difference between my response then and now is that NOW I truly believe that statement and understand more fully the Atonement of Jesus Christ, perhaps this person does too.

Oh what I would give to have those little foot prints of mud dragged in from a puddle outside, or sticky finger prints on the windows and refrigerator or freezer, the continuous teasing his sisters, Blake loves his sisters so much, I miss those things.

Now they have their own families, hopefully bringing traditions and good from both sides of their families to create their own, their new lives.  I hope to continue to make memories in this home.

Saturday, we buried Betty Williams, my mother in law.  While I listened to her girls talk about her, I wondered what my family would have to say about me--I really do not want a funeral, it is a continuous disagreement in our home casket vs. cremation with a memorial instead of a funeral. Let;s face it, none of us want to see a dead body, it's uncomfortable, and I certainly don't want you all staring at me either.  Just burn me, put me in a pink Dixie cup and spread my ashes at my happy place, with a few words from close friends and family.  I know it won't happen that way, Eric will spend money on a beautiful casket that will get put 6 feet under covered in dirt--what a waste of money. Just please let it be known to someone out there reading this, that my request is for a Dixie cup of ahses.  I know who I am, I know where I came from and where I am going, the memories are all in the heads of those I loved and learned from.    I want my grandchildren to know my love for them, my children to know my admiration and respect for them and my lover boy Eric to know I've loved him from the beginning, as frustrating as he can be, I loved him dearly and will be saving a place for him in Heaven.

Where was God?

As our country is mourning the loss of 20 kindergarten children who were so tragically gunned downed and killed in their classroom, the question has come up "Where was God?" One of the most ignorant things I think I have ever heard came out of the mouth of Bryan Fischer from the American Family Association:

"Where was God when all this went down? and here's the bottom line: God is not gonna go where he is not wanted....We've kicked God out of our public schools system, and I think God would say, "Hey I'll be glad to protect your children, but you've gotta invite me back into your world first, I'm not gonna go where I'm not wanted, I'm a gentleman"

This quote broke my heart to hear, I believe God has never left me behind during any tragedy I have been through, and he did not leave that school because a mad young man made a choice to take the lives of innocent children.  I also believe we are here on earth to prove ourselves worthy to live with him again, we were all given agency to choose right from wrong when we came to this earth to live. If that agency was taken away every time a tragedy was about to happen, there would be no growing or learning on our parts, there would be no progression. LIVE LEARN AND GROW

 Yes, I believe in miracles and I think they happen everyday, and yes, I believe our Heavenly Father can prevent some tragedies from happening and more than likely he has done this more times than we know, however, to make a comment that God is too much of a gentleman to prevent those children from being killed is absolutely ignorant.  God is not a proud man, he is meek and humble.  I think it is sad some Americans have decided to take God out of our school system, but those are just words removed from an allegiance we made as a country, no one can take God out of our hearts, we feel him, we know of his love for us and all of his children, he will never leave us.  These are things that should be taught in the home, not in a school.

What is your love Language? Viola.

Besides one other time while I was going through my chemo treatments have I felt the spirit of Eric's mom so strongly as I did last night when I attended the Temple.  My favorite women of all time was sitting in the chair smiling so big from ear to ear, she looked me in the eyes nodded her head as if to say with those big blue eyes piercing through my soul "I love you, you will make the right decisions, I'm here for you" I looked back after slowly walking by, not wanting this moment to end and she was gone, it was just another cute lady sitting there greeting people.

Dang it I miss her, I know without a doubt when I pass through the veil to the other side (hopefully Heaven since I know that is where she is) Vi will be the 1st to embrace me, then her eternal companion, my father in law Ray Williams--I love them so dearly and have often had to humble myself knowing I would never want to disappoint them.

I had another incredible spiritual experience last night as I attended the Temple, one in which I will have to record in another journal that is not so public.  I'm grateful for the knowledge that Families can live together forever in Eternity together.

Another realization came this week, when I had lunch with a friend.  It was mentioned to me that we all "love differently" I have never thought about it the way it was so humbly explained.  Each of us are taught to love as the Savior did, unconditional right?  There has only been one person in my life I have ever met who has been able to successfully do this Viola Williams, I literally never heard a sore word about another come out of her mouth, she was constantly serving others as the Savior did, and in the end she died quietly in pain with breast cancer, leaving a legacy of complete understanding of our Saviors plan for her family to carry on.  I want, no I need to be more like her example.

The fact is my friend is correct we all do love differently, think about the people around you, the in your family, church groups, workout groups are they all the same? No, we all show our love in a different way, some are comfortable hugging and saying "I Love You" (that is me) some may care and love for you but not want to be touched or hugged, some show love by giving gifts, some by words of affirmation and appreciation, some want to hold on to their children and never let them experience the circle of life (this would be Eric)  AT the end of the day when we all understand how we love it is so much easier to accept and truly love the ones around us, just as the Savior did.  Thank you my friend for teaching me this principle.

Perfect in everyway

I took my grandson Recker for a walk last week, as most know he has Autism, diagnosed moderate to severe on the spectrum when he was 16 months.

While he and I walked through the neighborhood I sang primary songs to him, it was a peaceful and relaxing time I was able to spend with him.  I began to sing the song "Called to Serve" when Recker quickly turned his head look me in the eye and shook his head as if to say "no" I'm not sure what he was trying to communicate to me.

My heart sank, at that moment I realized this sweet little boy is perfect in every way, Heavenly Father has a special place for him in Heaven.  I want to be with him, I have much to work on in my personal life if I am going to be with Recker for Eternity.

Moving Forward

Surgery was successful, all I remember is going to sleep in the OR on Wednesday and waking up on Monday ha ha.  My days are all off, I  drove all the way to Scottsdale for a doctors appointment I don't have until tomorrow.  I have to admit I loved getting out of my bed and seeing some sunlight.

Today I saw  the Dr. he took out the sutures and the nose brace, but unfortunately for me the stints have to remain up my nostrils for a couple more weeks to give the bones time to heal correctly. I have black and blue around my eyes and cheeks, I've had to control the pain with drugs but am quickly getting off of those. Now I'm dealing with keeping food down, even a few bites of anything. Kayla has been bringing me peanut butter banana smoothies, it may take all day to drink but it tastes good and stays down, so I know I'm getting some protein.

Now isn't that beautiful?

If I'm  completely honest at this very moment I'm feeling a little defeated knowing we have some  serrious decisions to make. Recently I was boo hooing and  venting to a friend, and doing a pretty good job at it too, then she reminded me  about something  my oncologist told me from the beginning.... he said he will not tell me I'm cancer free, but he will be with me until the end! My 1st thought was "until the end.? What the heck does that mean? "then she continued saying "did you ever stop to think that you are NOT here for what YOU still need to learn, but for what people can learn from you?"  I've never thought about this journey of life being for anyone but myself, what am I supposed to be learning has always been my question to myself and in my pleading prayers to the Lord.

I'm not someone with a whole lot of confidence in myself or my abilities to uplift and help others. I know some incredibly talented people, they have worked hard to become musicians, singers, athletes,   cooks,  authors, scrap bookers,  doctors, attorneys. PA's, radiation therapist (I love them)  I could go on and on, the point I'm trying to make is when she said those words to me two things went through my mind 
#1. What a bunch of crap  I have nothing to teach anyone, and if for some reason she's right, I don't want to do it anymore, find someone else to learn from. and then came # 2. Change your prayers. To my dear sweet friend thank you for giving me something new to worry about... Ha ha I love You.

Panick attack at the BATMAN movie

Last night, at a very last minute decision we decided to go see the Batman movie- Kailtyn, Brian, Blake & Chloe, Eric and I.  It was late and I don't particularly like going to movies anyway, but wanted to get out of the house. 


Even though the theater was still pretty full we were able to get seats up higher but I was in the middle next to Chloe and Eric--immediately I began to feel claustrophobic and a little un-easy as the lights went down--within the the 1st couple minutes of the show I could feel myself leaning towards a panic attack-- checking for the exit doors, watching every person getting in and out of their seats.  Out of the corner of my eye I could see a woman dressed in all black, something hanging from her pants which looked to me to be a gun, immediately I panicked starting breathing really harshly and told Eric I needed to get out of there asap.  I rushed out in to the lobby, pacing trying to get my heart rate to calm down, I was shaking so badly when Kaitlyn came up behind me to see if I was OK I jumped with fear and I think I even scared her a little.  Within a few minutes the woman dressed in black approached me and asked if I was OK, I told her I was fine just needed some air, I noticed the walkie talkie hanging from her pants was not a gun after all, she and I had a little conversation about my panic when I saw her walking up and down the aisles--but asked her to just let me be and I would be OK in a few minutes I just needed some time to get my head back where it should be.  I said a prayer and a few minutes later I walked back into the theater, still not brave enough to walk up to my seat, I stood at the top of the landing leaning against the wall watching both the exit doors and trying to comprehend what was happening on the movie screen--within minutes there was a shooting scene, where innocent people were being killed--I made a mad dash for the exit and back into the lobby.  "What the heck is going on in my head?"    My thoughts continually thinking about all of those innocent people in Aurora Colorado last week who were shot dead while sitting in a theater just like this one watching this exact same movie-- I'm not sure why these things happen in our world, what makes a person do the things they do, but it put enough fear in me, fear that I had no idea even existed in my soul.  When I finally got it together and was brave enough to walk back up to my seat, that is exactly where I wanted to stay, close to Eric-- he held my hand and could feel my entire body shaking, it was paranoia taking over--every time anyone got up from their seat to leave I would swing my head to see who they were and what they were doing--needless to say this movie was the longest movie I have ever seen and could not enjoy it, I was never so happy for a movie to be over.


As we walked out of the theater I was looking in the eyes of every person I could see, not sure what I was hoping to see, but wondering if any of them felt like I did, trying to decipher if any of them had it in them to do what this terrorist did, wondering how the lives of all those who survived that awful night will ever be able to get past it, their lives are forever changed--going to a movie will never be the same--will they ever go to another movie?  and for sure the Batman series will forever bring back those horrible memories for them. I was impressed with Christopher Nolan this past week as he flew to Aurora to be with the families of those effected by this horrible tragedy, this is what he had to say:

"Speaking on behalf of the cast and crew of The Dark Knight Rises, I would like to express our profound sorrow at the senseless tragedy that has befallen the entire Aurora community. I would not presume to know anything about the victims of the shooting but that they were there last night to watch a movie. I believe movies are one of the great American art forms and the shared experience of watching a story unfold on screen is an important and joyful pastime. The movie theatre is my home, and the idea that someone would violate that innocent and hopeful place in such an unbearably savage way is devastating to me. Nothing any of us can say could ever adequately express our feelings for the innocent victims of this appalling crime, but our thoughts are with them and their families."
-Christopher Nolan 

I came home last night opened up my scriptures and started reading anything I could get my hands on about peace-- there were many of those scriptures already marked by me, but one that stood out was saying that the peace makers here on earth will forever have peace in their souls for eternity.  I said my prayers, snuggled up next to Eric and was happy to be in a home safe, and peaceful, at least for the moment.

MOM

Today is February 17th 2011, probably just another day to most people.  It's my mothers birthday today, I've been thinking about her all day. Sad that she lives within an hour of me and I never see her, talk to her or know how she is doing.  

The last contact I actually had with her was 3 years ago when my stepdad, Gary  died.  I got a phone call from Susan May, one of my mothers good friends.  It was weird to hear this familiar voice on the phone, she told me that Gary was in the hospital, he had fallen at work and was in a coma.  She asked me if I would like to come to the hospital and be there with my mom when they took him off of the life support.  I had to think about that one for awhile, I asked her if I could call her back.  I called both my sisters and asked them what they thought, both Sonya and Kris said "no way were they going, and that I shouldn't either" I went into my room knelt down to pray and asked the Lord what I should do.  The answer came quick and clear, "yes" so I gathered my family around and asked them if they would go with me, Eric did not feel comfortable going, and was really against it, however, I am my own woman and I had to do what I had to do.  Saturday came quickly, the drive over to the hospital was agonizing for me, I have not seen my mom or dad for at least 16 years, my head was spinning trying to imagine how this was going to go down.  There was this small part of me that was excited, I realized that now maybe my mom and I could start over and begin to heal this much needed relationship.  My children were so great to go with me, they dropped everything they were doing on a Saturday and went with me to see people they have never met, well actually they had met them but the last time we saw them was on Kaitlyn's 1st birthday and now she was 16 almost 17.  Haleigh is the only child that they have never actually seen, she was born after all this happened.  When we walked into the hospital room is was small and cold, I did not recognize my mother, the mom I used to know was taller and much softer, this woman was hunched over, very short and crippled up with Arthritis. I walked up to her and gave her a hug, it was so extremely uncomfortable, my eyes water up right now when I think about it.

Not too many words were exchanged, I introduced her to my children, I remember sitting in a chair close by her and facing her, Blake was standing behind me holding his hands on my shoulders as if to protect his mama from whatever he expected was going to happen next.  Haleigh sat on my lap, Kaitlyn behind me next to Blake and Kayla on my right side holding my hand.  What a sight we must of been, I'm not sure what thoughts were going through my childrens heads but I know I was thinking "what am I doing here?"  It almost felt as if I was in a dream and I could not wake up.  My chair was at the foot of Gary's bed, it was hard for me to look at him, all the flood of bad memories were sure to well up  and surface as tears in my eyes, I can't do that right now I need to be strong and show no emotion.   My mom and I had small talk, like always, even though I have not talked to her in so long it's always small talk with her nothing too deep, nothing that she would have to think about or admit to. Not much has changed in that department for her.  I'm not judging her, I just think she looks mad, sad she has carried all this anger with her for so many years that I think she has a hard heart, always wanting me to feel like she is one step ahead of me.  When I introduced her to Hales my mom looked right at her and said "I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I USED TO SEND YOU BIRTHDAY CARDS EVERY YEAR BUT SINCE I NEVER HEARD BACK FROM YOU I STOPPED"

The mother bear in me wanted to come across the floor and seriously give her a slap across the face, no-one, and I mean no-one talks to my children like that, instead I let it go and decided that it was not worth it, maybe she is testing me, besides the Lord knows my heart he is the only one who knows where my heart is.

There were some other people it the room including her Bishop, and friends of hers from her church, one of them said outloud in a sarcastic voice "you have a daughter?, where has she been all this time?"  again, I had to refrain from using the words I wanted to, I just sat there waiting for my moms response..... she said nothing, what could she say, we were all there, and I know the real story, so of course she is not going to say anything, she'll wait until I'm gone then she'll fill them all in on what a horrible daughter I am, how I hurt them and ruined their lives.  The nurse came in and said it was time to start the process on Gary, she explained that once they take him off of the life support his body should struggle for a few breaths then he will just go to sleep.

Then my mom looked at me and said "you can go hold his hand and whisper to him if you want to Monya"

a wave of ugliness just went through my body, I can't explain it in words but there was no way in HELL I was going to whisper anything in this mans ear, he tortured me and made my life a living hell for so many years, I cannnot think of one good memory with this man.  I politely said "I'm good, no thanks" then I heard a sigh from someone in the room as if to say "are you kidding me, this is the last time you have to say good-bye" In my head I had said good-bye many, many years ago, now I realize that demon I can never say good-bye to, it lingers in the back of my mind and surfaces when it feels like it. 

They came in took him off life support and believe me when I tell you this, it did not go down like the sweet little nurse said it would.  His body immediately started to gasp for air, his head popped back, mouth open and his body went into convulsions, it was the most awful thing I have ever experienced in my life, and I had my children with me, this was their first experience with death, what the heck was I thinking taking them with me?  I was grateful when they were able to experience the death of Eric's dad Ray Williams just a few months later, it was the same setting except he just went to sleep and it was peaceful as he left this life and went to live with our Heavenly Father, it reminded me of the day Gary left this life, who did he go to live with? because that was one of the most awful experiences of my life.  One of the interesting things about it was there was not much emotion from my mom, she cried a little, then it was all business. She didn't even hold his hand or stand by him.  I cried thinking about what my children had just gone through, they had shock on their faces.

 My mom asked me if I would like to help her with the funeral, I told her yes I would. Finally I thought we were going to heal, mend this tattered and torn mother daughter relationship.  I talked to my moms bishop for a few minutes out in the hallway and explained the strained relationship we have, he was so sweet and non-judgemental, he gave me his phone number and told me to call him with any questions.  I said good bye to my mom and off I went with my children close by, I mean really close I wanted to hug them and kiss them and never leave them.  On the way home it was quiet, I asked all of them how they felt, and they all had different answers but for the most part, it FREAKED them out, my mom freaked them out and they had nothing good to say.  I'm not sure if it's because of their loyalty to me, or they sincerely felt nothing.  They all said it felt very dark and yucky when he actually died, I agreed. 

The next day when I got home from church there were a couple phone calls I had received from my mom, so I called her back to see what I could help her with.  She proceeded to tell me about where to meet her tomorrow, (the funeral home) I asked her if I could pick her up,  but she said Susan would take her. She asked me to do the program for the funeral, I said I would love to do that for you.  In my mind everything was going so well, then all of a sudden it turned, and it turned for the worst.  She said "I just need to say one thing to you...."  Oh no, here it comes, I know that voice, and here it comes, I said "mom, please don't go there, lets just get moving forward and mend this." She started to raise her voice "Do you know what you did to our lives? You ruined our lives..."  I could not hold back "I ruined YOUR life, are you kidding me?"

Her quick reply was "you know he has been forgiven don't you, he did everything he was supposed to, and took care of all of his sins"  "Really?, seriously mom? what did he get forgiven for? because according to you he never did anything wrong?" by now my emotions were getting the best of me, I can hardly breath, I am crying uncontrollably and I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest once again.  Finally for the last time I confronted my mom and told her these words "I cannot go backwards mom, I need to continue to go forward I have finally forgiven Gary for what he did to me, I am finally at a good place in my marriage and with my family, we are happy, we love the Lord and rely on him continually for strength, sorry but I am not willing to do this with you .... good-bye" and I hung up, went into a fetal position and cried for over a month.  I called my sisters and they were sad for me, but knew that was what was going to happen, Susan said that my mom kept looking for me at the funeral home the next day, telling the funeral director that she was waiting for her daughter who drives a maroon suburban to show up, finally Susan had to tell her "she's not coming"  Within a month my dad Colby Belshe died, and Erics dad Ray Williams died 6 months later, 2008 was a hard year. 

Today as I think about my mother on her birthday I have a lot of mixed emotions.  My own children have told me over and over again that they are so proud of me and that they are glad I took them to the hospital on that dreadful day, they said it finally let them see into my heart, I loved that, I loved that they, my own children could see what my intentions were, they knew I wanted to mend and heal, but was not willing to go backwards in my life.   For now, I live with guilt,  and all kinds of emotions over my mother, but I know there is nothing I can do about it, I've tried so hard, so many times being shot down by the one person, my mother who is supposed to protect and teach me in love, no matter what age I am.  

What is Devastation?

I ran into a friend who I have not seen in a very long time, she did not know I had been diagnosed with the VILLAIN and asked me about my short hair, since I have always had pretty long hair she was surprised! We had a nice visit, but one of the things she said to me has really stayed in my head for a few days now. She said to me "HOW DEVASTATING" in reference to my cancer. My immediate response was "no, not devastating, life changing maybe, but not devastating"
So this poses the question to me "what would be my devastation?"
What would it take to make an occurrence in my life be a devastation? When I think back on my life and some of the trials I have had to endure, I realize none of them but one has truly been devastating. That is knowing my mother only lives an hour away and she wants nothing to do with me or my sisters, I have gone through bouts of major sadness and emptiness knowing she does not want to mend and repair, that she does not want to move forward. There were times when I truly thought I could not get up in the morning, knowing that it would be another day without some resolution, its been 18 and 1/2 years now, so much time has passed, so much of life has happened and all without the luxury of being able to pick up the phone and call my mama for some advice, or a recipe. It makes me sad when I hear people talking badly about their grandmothers, I wanted my children to have a grandma, someone to bake cookies for and with, someone to hold hands with at the zoo, someone they could be proud of, but instead they were left with nothing, no memories, no history, nothing but emptiness, they don't know what it's like to have a grandmother. Eric's mom (best mom and person I have ever known) died of breast cancer before any of my children were born.
It gave me a chance to think about the word DEVASTATION and I realized it means different things to different people. I always thought if I were to get a life threatening disease like cancer it would be devastating, but I think what I was afraid of was having to change my life enough to be ready for death. So for me the only devastating part of dying from cancer would be if I died without the knowledge that I will be with my family again. If I died without my children knowing how much I love them, if Eric never knew how I adore him, and if none of them knew that I have a testimony of the Gospel. I know if we all live our lives in a way that our Heavenly Father would be proud of, if we serve one another as HE did and do our best everyday to be more like HIM death is not devastating. Knowledge of this gives me HOPE and also gives me power to overcome FEAR.