There have been times when I want to curl up and stay in the safety of a cocoon, much life a butterfly does. I have had days when I feel like I'm locked in a glass house with no way out, no key and no way to fly free--I'm emotionally healing so much slower than I expected I would. I'm trying so hard to break out of these four walls, I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm losing my grasp, having a hard time being authentic. I hide how tearfully hard it is for me not to be able to smile a full big smile, I feel my frailties are being masked, by a strong woman who has hard time admitting her weaknesses.
I ache at times trying so hard to hold back smiles or laughter for fear of what I look like to others. I caught myself wanting to laugh when I heard Ezra's huge belly laugh--he is so cute--but I caught my reflection in the mirror of our entryway and suddenly realized "this is what other people see" This immediately took me down to a low I can't explain. I still feel so much happiness in my heart & want to share it, especially with my grandchildren but for some reason, I've let the adversary control my thoughts. The confusion is a contradiction of what I feel inside, I don't understand it, so I of course do not expect anyone else to understand it either. I'm trying my hardest to Live Happy, going out and serving others, while I'm in the act of service it warms my heart and lightens my load.
I love the Happiness Movement the United Nations agreed upon, the 1st celebration was and will continue on March 20th. I know and believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference, a rippling effect which can be wrapped over and around the hearts of people all over the world, no matter what race, culture, or religious belief. I am an ambassador of Happiness, still I wonder sometimes if that too is a contradiction of how I feel on some days. I feel like I am on display, I see how people look at me then quickly look away, I know because I too have done it. I've said before on this blog, I don't believe people in general are vindictive or mean any harm, it's natural for a person to take a double look at something that is not what they are used to seeing. I just never thought I would be the one on display. I see them look, then look away and whisper to their friend, mother or neighbor, they both look and quickly turn their back to me, usually because they know I have just seen what they did. The only thing that really holds me together is knowing He see's me, the REAL me--He knows I want to be me again, the sad part is because of what I've experienced I know I will never be the same again, and I believe this is a good thing. Although, I didn't ask for this experience I'm living it. I also realize at the same time, I do have control over how I deal with the inner aching I continue to feel. I may not be in charge of my trials, but I do have control how I deal with them, and I choose to take it slow, understanding all that is expected of me, then proceed forward in faith, and with desire to continue to be the best I can be.
On the days when I work at UsAirways, the security guard always asks me "how are you doing today Monya?" and my answer is always the same "better than I was yesterday" I wrestle with what has been lost in my life, It's more than just dealing with cancer with all of it's side effects. I expect so much out of myself, I've always been a goal keeper. I carry a crushing weight on my shoulders when I am unable to achieve my goals. I'm simply not able to do this on my own, my soul is tired and I need a rest. I've pleaded for help so many times, I seriously think I don't have any tears left to cry.
I'm giving my all, but there are times I don't want to hear the answers. Saying I'm deaf is literally an understatement. I am so vulnerable right now, I know I need to be willing to put all my trust one more time in the Lords hands. I've been down this road before, I know this feeling. It's difficult to take a step forward, and also hurts to look backwards. I want peace to speak louder than my fear. I have asked again, and again, and again "what am I supposed to learn" "What do you want me to do next?" I know when I'm finally ready to listen I will go and be or do what He needs me to be or to do.
I know this fear and pain that I am feeling needs to be turned over to the Lord, but for today, just for now I'm frozen inside. No regrets, I've felt this pain before, and I will not bury it, I know I have to live it, feel it and when I'm living in those shadows He will find me, take me by the hand and lead me to a brighter place.
