Surgery with Doctor Lettieri

 It's been difficult to blog current events. I've signed a book deal, however I am going to keep up my blog.  Soon it will have the logo from my book. I will also have a FB page for caregivers, survivors, or for anyone wanting to know how to comfort a friend, family member or loved one during and after cancer has been diagnosed.

I entered the Mayo Clinic Hospital in the early morning of December 2nd, 2015.  The last surgery I had with Dr. Lettieri was successful.  He took a nerve from my leg masterfully entered behind my left
ear through the left side of my face under my lip.  We were told if the surgery was a success we would feel it grow one inch per month.  It has done just that and now it is time to finish the job.  This is a very tedious surgery, trying to find a nerve that is workable from the right side of my face will take a few hours.

When I woke up in recovery, it was a little touch and go scary for Eric--not really sure if I was having a stroke or reaction to medicine--either way I dry heaved for over 24 hours, did you know dry heaving hurts?

After neurology was quickly called to the rescue I had CT-PT-MRI and brains scans--no sign of stroke--however since I was still in much pain and dry heaving I was kept for longer than expected.
My surgeon Dr. Lettieri is in Italy......What the Heck? Doctors get vacations?

I needed to go to Mayo Clinic since the surgery sight is bleeding.  I was temporarily fixed up, but will not be seeing another Surgeon until Dr. Lettieri gets back. (Monday)  There was nothing wrong with the surgeon I was able to see, but my ultimate choice is Dr. Lettieri--FOREVER- I made the mistake of going to Cleveland Clinic on a suggestion --HUGE MISTAKE --  I will never do that again.

While working on the nerve in my face, Dr. Lettieri had no choice but to try and work around my paraded gland.  I am well aware of this gland and the damage that can happen if I don't get it fixed but I am not seeing anyone else but Dr. Lettieri. The gland for those of you who don't know is the gland where your saliva generates. This gland was compromised my face has backed up blood, either running down my throat or running out of my incision.  We cannot keep it controlled with our own packing.

I'm looking forward to seeing Dr, Lettieri next week.  with more updates to come.

Post-Op with Dr. Sal Lettieri

This past week has been hard, not because of the pain from the surgery.  Staying home and not being able to drive has been difficult. Today I had my post op appointment with Dr. Lettieri.  Sonya was so sweet to take me to Mayo I don't like anyone to go with me because it is not a fun way to spend time. This time I was forced to ask for help, Eric could not go because my appointment time was changed at the last minute. I wondered what she would think of Dr. Lettieri and hoped she would love him as much as I do.  I warned her as soon as I introduce her as my sister Sonya, he would have a smart comeback about Monya-Sonya. I was right, he asked why "I said it was the 60's"  he laughed asked if we had another sister named Tonya, and of course I said "oh no, that would be too easy her name is Kris.
Today he had a young resident with him Dr. Deep very cute and very young. Immediately Dr. Lettieri announced he was not happy with the eye surgery.  We're going to wait until all the swelling goes down then he will decided how to proceed with more surgery.  My eye started to open yesterday and it is dripping more than ever.  He said it was just going to get worse, and that he wished he had been a little more aggressive with the bottom lid, it's drooping more than Dr. L wanted it to be.
Dr. Lettieri was really happy about my nerve cross graft he did in February, it is even better than what he had expected.  I am hoping I can wait on the eye surgery and have him do that at the same time as the nerve surgery.  I didn't bring that up with him today, I will be seeing him again in a couple weeks.
Heather came in and took out the rest of the stitches in my eye while Dr. Deep and Dr. Lettieri talked doctor talk--way over my head.
Today was good news about the nerve, but surprising news about my eye.  I could tell he was disappointed.  I told him "it's ok" he said "not for me"  I made the assumption he was being hard on himself because he's a perfectionist. He said "No, that has nothing to do with it, I just want you to have it working at the best it can, and I know it won't so I want to fix it" he continued to tell me I would have more drainage than I had before if I didn't get it taken care of.
Many people have questioned my choices, guess what? that's ok I realize you are not living my life you are not the one who has to kneel and ask what to do.  I feel completely comfortable with the decisions I have made. Many have given me natural path choices and questioned my choice to go medicinal, it's ok too. Everyone has a different thought process, these choices were made by relying on the Lord to answer me and lead me to the right places.  I can honestly say the only time I doubted a decision was when I went to Cleveland Clinic, I felt rushed to make an answer and Dr. Lettieri was out of the country when this all happened a year ago.  We made a fast reactive choice, based on the fact we were told with a nerve we only had a small gateway--because I didn't know a "small" gateway didn't mean I needed it taken care of within a week or two. I could have waited for Dr. Lettieri.  I don't look at things that way, my mind doesn't process that way. If I hadn't gone to Cleveland Clinic I would not appreciate and love Dr. Lettieri like I do, I wouldn't appreciate Mayo Clinic like I do.  So to those skeptics who like to give me their opinions, I will not apologize for  following my heart listening to the spirit and doing what we thought was best at the time.

Surgery with Dr. Sal Lettieri

Eric and I waiting to be called back--we are now frequent
flyers here at Mayo--I think I should have a punch card with some
great reward after X amount of surgeries. When the registration
nurse knows you by name and nurses remember you by name
it's a sign, you've overstayed your welcome.

June 24th 4:45am on our way to Mayo Clinic.  I talked Eric's ear off trying to keep from taking any anxiety medication--hey, who knew.....it worked? While entering the Clinic I refused to look to the left, intentionally I jabbered to Eric about what a positive experience I was having with Nerium.  I wanted----NO I actually needed to keep my head in a good place for at least a few more minutes while we got registered.
Just over a year ago was a dreaded day.  I'd been discharged from this same hospital with a disfigured face.  Hearing a doctor tell me "you need to get used to the new Monya, your face will never be the same" If I were to look to the left I would have a vivid remembrance of being wheeled out in a wheelchair and while waiting for Eric to bring the car around I watched a woman fall to the ground have a massive heart attach.  I listened as "code blue" echoed through the corridor. I watched as healthcare professionals did all they could do to revive her life.  They were unsuccessful, and I felt nothing but jealousy.  I wouldn't necessarily say this was my lowest point of my life, but it ranked up in the top 5.
I've seen and felt tragedy, separation anxiety, depression,  heart ache, enormous unexplainable pain, loss of hearing, sight, smell, both breasts and all my hair. I've had temporary loss of feeling in my hands and feet. I still look back at all of this and know the positive out weighs the negative.  I'd do it all again, feel every ache and pain to know what I know now. What I know to be true is there is life after this earth life, it is beautiful and peaceful there is no pain, hurt or jealousy. It is a place like no other place you have been here on earth. I want to go there again, I will accept and take on all that happens to me hear on earth to have that feeling for eternity.
After being registered Eric and I headed up to the 2nd floor for surgery.  When I got into the elevator
I couldn't help but look at that spot, it was empty; too early in the morning for visitors. The rush of reality came flashing back of that day a year ago.  Eric asked if I was OK, I responded "yeah, sure I'm good" After checking in with surgery, they took me right back. I guess Dr. Lettieri is on time.  After vitals, question after question about allergies and when was the last time I ate or drank anything, I started to dose off.  My thought was "Read my chart, can't you see how many times I've answered these questions? this is not my 1st rodeo" I saw Dr. Magtibay walk by and into the patients room across the hall, I suddenly sat up and wanted to talk to him.  The nurse continued with her questions, but I keep asking her to ask Dr. Magtibay come see me when he's done.....she was looking at me like really?  I said to her I will answer all your questions, you can start my IV really fast if you promise me you'll get Dr. Magtibay.  This time the IV only took a one time poke, that's new it usually takes several pokes then they have to get a different, more efficient RN to poke me.
Soon Eric came back and just after that came Dr. Magtibay, I just love him.  He hugged me wanted to know about my surgery. I asked about his children and wife, then Dr. Lettieri came in.  I didn't have to introduce them they knew each other. Dr. Magtibay excused himself, turned smiled at me and wished me blessings on a great outcome.

ready to go, Dr. Lettieri took this picture so I could see
the difference of my smile

Dr. Lettieri smiled at me and when I smiled back.....he said "do that again" not knowing what the heck he was doing I said "why?" he said "quit being difficult just do that again, that thing you just did with your face" I shook my head and said with a big smile "this?" he smiled big, he said "where's Heather?" "I haven't seen her yet" Dr. Lettieri went out to find her, but she was walking in at the same time. "do that again for Heather" I smiled as best I could they both in unison said "It's working" Dr. Lettieri asked me to do that same thing over and over.  Apparently the surgery he did in February with the cross nerve was starting to show.  By their responses I could tell this was good news, he was happy.  Heather has been with me from my 1st diagnosis with breast cancer, and we have become great friends.  I can honestly say she has been a true to the end friend.  She watched as I suffered through chemo, radiation, expansions numerous surgeries she has assisted on for me.  She was there last year when I was rushed to the hospital in horrible pain, curled up in a fetal position losing all control of my bodily functions.  She stayed with my sisters and helped them to understand what was happening to me.  I love her like a sister, I really really love her.  She was happy for me, truly happy for this bit of HOPE I was finally feeling.

Dr. Lettieri, Me, and Heather
I love them both

After Dr. Lettieri gave his pre-op assessments on me he walked out and I yelled "I love you" he answered back "I love you too" I was rolled into the OR,  and off to my Happy Place in Paris. I seriously don't remember a lot about recovery.  The only thing I can remember is saying I needed to go to the bathroom.  In the past I have not been able to have outpatient surgery because either the surgery required me to be observed for more than a few days, or my bladder didn't work because I was under anesthetic for so long. The recovery nurse helped me into the bathroom, when she went to shut the door I said "no don't shut the door" "honey, don't you want some privacy?" "Heck no, I want you to hear the stream of pee his the toilet, and all those people in recovery are on drugs they won't remember"  she laughed I immediately pee'd.....it was long and it was loud, and I was proud--she said "you didn't take anytime at all"  She helped me back to bed and I slept for three days.  Some funny things that happened; that night Eric woke up and I wasn't in the bed so he went looking for me, 1st the bathroom, then he went downstairs no Monya.  He said he walked upstairs again to check the bedrooms, but there I was asleep in the hall closet.  He got a picture of it but I'm not posting it.  The next morning I went to the bathroom, Eric said "a man is coming to fix our cable in the bedroom" I told him ok but I needed to lay in the bed if that was ok with him.  The doorbell rang, Eric brought the man into our room I could hear he and Eric talking. I was sitting on the ground with my head in the toilet throwing up.  Eric came in and said "are you ok? the guy will be done soon"  I don't remember any answer I just remember continuing to throw up.  I guess I fell asleep sitting on the floor in front of the toilet with my head on the toilet seat. He got a laugh out of that one, and no I'm not posting the pictures.  I'm glad to be home, but never want to fall asleep on a toilet seat again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

#HappyActs 365 days

Whoa----I pushed myself today, but I've never felt more gratified.  365 days ago, when I found out about the International Day of Happiness--I was incredibly touched in a spiritually humble way.  I made a choice that day, I was going to do 365 days of Happy Acts and see if it would change my life in any way at all.  I began by writing everything I did in a private calendar.  Then I got a planner and made it an intentional goal for my everyday personal growth.  I had to be intentional with my thoughts, but not intentional with my actual act of kindness. I let those come naturally but looked for ways I could help another person.  After 6 weeks of doing it everyday, I was put into the hospital for 3 weeks, still I was able to follow through with those acts, they were on my mind constantly.  I became obsessed with overcoming obstacles and achieving this goal.  2 Weeks at Mayo Clinic, I came up with ways to help nurses or doctors out--sometimes just by thanking them using their name, and sincerely getting to know them. Smiles, special notes and gratitude were my best friends. I handed out Live Happy Magazines to everyone I could. Then I went to Cleveland Clinic for 7 weeks.  This time I went prepared, not knowing what the circumstances would be--I was still able to give thanks, and share happiness. In the past year I was blessed with 8 surgeries to help save my life.  What better way to say thank you?  These are people who loved, cared and helped me through some tough times....Diana Lents I will forever be grateful for, Angel and John were constantly giving me #HappyActs. Evgenya and Alex Kreymerman visiting me and showing #HappyActs was a huge surprise, but so much needed during that time when I had no family with me.

March 20th, 2014--- from this day forward I will give at least one act of kindness a day, and I promise to do this for 365 days.

Today March 20th, 2015---✔ I did it....
I can't even explain the overwhelming feeling of such an achievement and what it did to change me from the inside out.  I can honestly say, I am a different person now than I was a year ago.  I'm not talking about the facial paralysis, I made this goal before that happened.  My motivation behind this goal was to see how many people I could touch. Turns out the Lord had a different motivation in mind when he lead me down this path.  He wanted me to see how achieving this goal would change and help me.

THESE  people give unselfishly everyday as they
work at Mayo Hospital--5 and a half years with them
I'm grateful BOSA DONUTS FOR EVERYONE

You know if you read my blog I like to visit the chemo lab
and always take Holiday Treats for them to enjoy during
March and April before Easter...lots of tears today

Today as I drove the long freeway to Mayo Clinic, I pulled over to the side of the road, cried some tears of joy and actually said a prayer of thanks for helping me achieve this incredible goal.  I actually start goals and give up, but not this time.  It was certainly not for glory, or to boast in anyway. I wish I could post every act of kindness I did, however for a couple reasons I will not:
1. HIPAA laws and the privacy of some acts that are too sacred to share.
2.  Heavenly Father and I may be the only ones who will ever know the change these people made in my life.

At the end of the day, trying to change one life at a time, will hopefully help others to feel what I've felt this year.  These people have made an indent in my heart that will never ever be removed.  Most of these people will never know the difference they've made in my life--some of them are my hero's as I watched them struggle with different trials.  I was placed in some places at the right time for a reason--I am so eternally grateful for those times-- This year I found out how strong I am, who I am, what I can achieve and most importantly that because I intentionally found these people, I was then able to find myself,  I like what I found--for the 1st time in my life nothing can hold me back from being BRAVE--I've let it define me.  Today I realized while I was having that tender moment on the side of the road, I'm OK with me. I'm no longer afraid to open the door to a me I've never seen before, and I know on those days when the walls seem to high to climb Heaven is on my side.  I'm ready to let nothing hold me back from what I feel inside of me-- I will be forever be grateful to Jeff Olson for going before the United Nations and officially making March 20th the International Day of Happiness. I had the opportunity to meet Kym Yancey,  CEO of the Live Happy Magazine he is a wonderful man, with a love for his family and for spreading happiness--I will never forget my interview with him.  Good people, attract good people--don't we all want good people in our lives?
Happiness is part of who I am now, I look forward to inviting more blessings not only into my life but to give to others--365 days of Happiness.

I bought a couple extra Happy Tee's to give out to random
people.

Two of my grandson's, bought them Oreo's and Kool-Aid
something their mom doesn't buy them.  good thing for
grandma's to bring a treat every once in a while
instead of the apples and bananas #HappyActs

One of the Happiness Walls from today--love when parents
participate and encourage their children. What a great
Dad--no hesitation at all.

I made a decision to go to a gas station in an area
where I knew people struggle financially.  I sat and waited
I felt it with my heart, she was the one....sure enough
zero gas and only $10 to her name. I filled her tank...
she was so happy, and the gas attendants didn't
understand....LOL 

How cute are these sisters? They are going to fill the
buckets of others who need it with their love

Another mom showing her children the value of
Happiness and sharing in their lives

These are elementary school kids, no one helped them
come up with these ways to share happiness..
another tearful moment

Some of the cute notes from one of the boards the
children wrote on

I love these happy people for coming graciously into
my life a year ago.. I love them

For the anniversary of this day, I intentionally made plans.  The two walls of Happiness were so fulfilling, more than I thought they would be.  With the help of Carrie and Lindsay we set up 2 walls at elementary schools.  What a complete gratification to see every student want to participate, to watch parents instead of dropping their children off they got out of their car and walked their children to our wall.  I was so impressed by these sweet children and parents--if our next generation could share love everyday in some small way, we would be raising a new generation of grateful children.

ONE DIFFICULT YEAR--TODAY MADE IT ALL WORTH IT....This was such a rewarding,  fantastic day. Thank you Danny Jones, Elizabeth Decker and Shelli Richardson for never giving up on me.

Dump It

 I've been able to keep my mind pre-occupied the past couple of weeks.  Instead of worrying about the surgery I have coming up tomorrow, I've earned an Ipad-and a Lexus car bonus.  Pretty cool huh?  Yeah, it's cool but the best part of it is not the Ipad or the Lexus; it's the confidence and self worth I've developed.  

I've been in situations where I feel like everything is against me. I know so many of us a go through times in life when it seems that we are out of options and don't know which way to turn. I try to remember, anytime I don't see a way out, that God will make a  clear and precise way through it. I try to find confidence in Him, over and over again remembering He has made promises.  I've accepted the fact he is not going to take it away, so there really is no way out; but merely a way through.

I've been studying different stories in the bible about people who felt there was no hope, but by having faith in Him found out differently.
 In Genesis, there was a time when the children of Israel were led by Moses out of slavery and headed to the Promised Land. They didn't get very far before they were chased by their enemies who wanted to enslave them once again. They finally found themselves at the edge of the Red Sea, and it looked like there was no hope—but God! They cried to the Lord, and in Exodus 14:13 Moses said, "Fear not; stand still and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today." Then Moses stretched out his hand, and the Lord caused a great wind to part the water so that the people could move forward on dry land. But that's not all! When the enemy army tried to cross the sea behind them, the water enveloped them and destroyed them. The Israelites were finally free once and for all.

I serve a Heavenly Father who wants to be the hero of my story! He is a God of miracles! He loves to show Himself strong on behalf of the people who seek after Him.  I keep standing, I keep believing because I know Heavenly Father will move me through that difficult situation so I can take hold and believe in miracles again. It's not always easy to do, after all I am human.

"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." (Exodus 14:14)

It says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You have been chosen by God Himself.”  There have been times when I've felt left out. I've felt people have overlooked me. But now I always remember, the One who matters most chooses me. I was not randomly chosen. God, on purpose, looked at me and said, “I choose her.  She's my daughter. That’s who I want on My team.”

In my youth I was told “You’re just too tall, or too skinny” But God said, “You’re just the right size for Me.” I have felt or been made to feel “You’re not talented. We don’t need you. You don’t have anything to offer.” But each time Heavenly Father said, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are talented. You are creative. You are anointed. You are smart. You are intelligent. You are amazing.” This has taken me a life time to understand.  Those aches were real, but tracing back over those steps I can see the hand of God in my life.  I'm not sure why we hold on to the past so tightly, but today I was able to dump it. Driving home from the Mayo Clinic, feeling a little sorry for myself I pulled into the Land Fill (weird never been there before--it stinks)  I parked poured my heart out to the Lord and left it.

Dumped my fears today....

Looks like a lot of people dump here.

I know so many who have gone through more than their share of unfair situations. But here’s what I’ve learned. Even though life is not fair, God is fair. If we will not go around thinking there is something wrong with us, but instead start seeing ourselves as handpicked by God — valuable, lovable, with something great to offer — then Heavenly Father  said He will pay us back double. That means He’ll make the rest of our life twice as good as it would have been if that situation had never even happened.

It's time for me to dig my heels in. Not allow what somebody did or didn’t do steal my destiny and cause me to go through life feeling not good enough, not talented, not attractive. No, it's time for me to realize I am a child of  God. My value doesn’t come from people or accomplishments; it comes from  Him.  I need to put my shoulders back. Hold my head up high. Live with confidence. God said He will take what was meant for harm and use it for my advantage. 

I'm trying to keep this attitude of faith, praying Heavenly Father  will always give me the last laugh. I believe he's trying so hard to get me where I'm supposed to be.  I may never run that marathon I've dreamed of but  God has something else for me to do. Heavenly Father has opened doors for me.  A year ago I thought I was on a road of recovery, a full healing.  I soon found out the Lord had another mission for me to  full fill.  I believe with all my heart, Heavenly Father brought Nerium International into my life for a new journey, a new peace.  In the beginning of this post I talked about an Ipad and earning a Lexus.  Those are stepping stones, those actually monetarily mean nothing to me, the person I am becoming is so much bigger than any monetary means. What I know about this company is they are going to grow and flourish with or without me.  Heavenly Father knows me, He knew I would need something to build me up. Because my Heavenly Father knows me so well, he knew I would have a hard time looking in the mirror and liking who I saw staring back. Yes, some of you may wonder Why a beauty industry?  Believe me I too have thought "How can I represent a company who endorses anti aging? Isn't that being a little vain?" It's taken me a while to wrap my head around that one, feeling insecure in my own skin and surrounding.  Why would the Lord want to engage me down this road? I felt absolute peace when I chose to represent Nerium, of course that was before the facial paralysis. I now know why. 

I'm a partner in a company who's CEO Jeff Olson has taught me reading 30 minutes a day from a good book is much better than anything on TV or the news stand.  Giving 10% of my earnings to a church or foundation is the only way to succeed in life, and finally true happiness is something acquired when we come to love ourselves from the inside out. His leadership management have also taught me to be inclusive.  Dennis Windsor is a partner with Jeff Olson, but also a true man of God.  When I've had the opportunity to see him, he takes me aside and prays over me with sincerity. Mark and Tammy Smith also a multi millionaire couple with every reason to pass up the little guy or look above or over the homeless man, had a long line of people waiting to take pictures with them Mark saw me walking by came to me took my hand and led me back to his dear wife to ask about my life.  The lines of people didn't matter to them at that moment. I mattered, they wanted to know how I was doing.  I'm beginning to see my passion for life return, the idea of helping others achieve things in their life they never thought possible, makes me smile.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life right now.

I accept the fact that friends, people even family may reject me, but God accepts me. He’s already chosen me for this journey, and He’s the One that matters most. He has a way of working everything out for my good! And it’s always better than I could have ever imagined!

Begging vs Believing

When Haleigh was about 13 years old she asked Eric "Dad, when I get my driver's license will you buy me a car?"  Eric said, "Yes we will have a car for you to drive"  I remember this because I told Eric, "I wish you wouldn't have promised her a car, we are going to have to hear about it for 3 years now. What if your situation changes and you can't keep your promise?"  Eric looked at me and said "I always keep my promises"  I was dreading having to listen to Haleigh constantly ask about that car.  To my surprise she never asked again, she talked about how happy she was about the prospect of her drivers license and the freedom she would have, but never asked about the car.

I have often thought about that.  Eric was so confident he would be able to provide a car for her to drive he felt comfortable making a promise.  She believed him, he had never lied to her before.  I think I know Eric well enough to know if Haleigh had continued to bug him about the car for the next 3 years he would have been hurt or annoyed.  The hurt may have come as a result of her not trusting in his word.  The annoying aspect of this equation is obvious.

So many times I have asked in Faith for the Lord to heal me.  He heard me the 1st time, he also knew the answer before I asked it.   The very 1st time he heard my prayer, the miracle was in motion.  He never said it would be easy or quick. Maybe what I thought was my question was actually me begging.  He probably thinks "Why is she asking me this again, I already answered her. Does she not believe me?"

Lazarus was dead for days when Jesus thanked Heavenly Father for bringing him to life before it actually happened.   My mind tells me somethings are impossible.  Maybe I need to have more faith and thank Heavenly Father for the answers before they come.  Having faith means I cannot see the answer,  but I believe He will provide the answer. Heavenly Father already knows and he has given his word.  He must feel bad when I beg and plead with him.

 I've been getting all my initial pre-operative work done this week.  Did I mention, I'm having surgery on February 6th? This will be my 23rd surgery in less than 5 years.  A huge part of me wants to completely check out.  I'm so done with hospitals, surgery and doctors. The other side say's "It's not your time yet, I can do all things through Christ"

Trying to find a vein today the RN asked me "do they usually have a hard time finding your veins?" I smiled and politely replied "Yes, they usually do" She was frustrated, after the 6th poke she said "I'm going to try one more time if I can't get a draw back I will go get someone to help me"  She finally had to take the blood out of the upper part of my arm just below my elbow.  Painful?  Yes it was, but I was calm.  I asked her just before she rolled me into the CT scan if she would shut my right eyelid.  She did, what a job, was my thought.  When the contrast entered my body a sudden warmth penetrated every cell in my body.  It's a strange sensation, my fingers tingled, I felt like I needed to pee and my ears were burning.  This was all done at the Maricopa County Hospital.  My  surgeon is employed by Mayo Clinic in Rochester, but does trauma surgery at both Mayo Clinic and Maricopa.  More about him later, I am blessed once again with an incredible surgeon.

I left Maricopa Hospital and went to the Mayo Clinic Hospital to get the rest of my pre-operative work done.  Time to collapse some more veins.  I was dreading going into the blood lab, knowing they would have a hard time finding a vein.  Another 7 or 8 pokes, she finally got a smaller needle, which was what I had asked her to do in the beginning..... no one believes me.  She finally found a working vein on the side of my left hand close to my wrist...painful?  Umm.... yes but grateful she found one.  She had tears in her eyes.  I told her it was ok, she said it looked like I had been poked earlier.  I told her I had she said she couldn't believe how calm I was.  I left there sat in my car with my head on the steering wheel and cried just a little.

I just need to believe the Lord is on my side, He knows what is best for me.  Put it in his hands and let it go.  Today, I will thank him for the healing that's coming my way.

I Am

The past couple of months have been a mix of emotions.  I am so excited for our new grandbaby to arrive in February.  Kaitlyn is so cute pregnant, and I love watching Brian transitioning from husband mode to the responsibility of becoming a father.  They are going to be fantastic parents.

I've decided Cleveland Clinic is a great facility, but not for me.  It's too difficult to be away from my family.  After the last surgery I had in December, I have not heard back from them.  This, makes me nervous.  We have been told several times when working with a nerve there is a small window of opportunity to work with.  After discussing my feelings with Heather and doctor Barr's, we decided to get me in with a fantastic doctor at Mayo Clinic.  He is employed by Rochester Mayo Clinic, but resides here in Arizona.  He works at the Maricopa County hospital and also does surgeries at Mayo Clinic in Arizona, seeing nerve and trauma patients every Wednesday and Fridays.  I was blessed to get an appointment with him.

I will be having another surgery on February 6th.  I feel really good about the procedure he is going to perform.  This first surgery will be a nerve graft, I will be finding out more about the details when I see him next week.  Then in a few months, there will be a much longer, more risk surgery. I will be spending at least a week in the ICU.  I am at peace with our decision.  I know I am going to be questioned about why I am going through with these surgeries.  I already have been told by several people, if the doctor wants to do anymore surgery I should tell them no.  It was suggested I should just be happy with how I look and move forward.

I have contemplated and pondered that bold statement for over a month now.  I am not a quitter, I am strong, I am willing to do whatever it takes to get my smile back.  Vain? I don't think so, I fighting against a time frame to work with this nerve. I know myself well enough to know if I don't try and that window closes, I will have regrets.  I choose to leave this life with no regrets.  Once I am told there is nothing more they can do, I will let go but until that time, this is what I think is best.

I want to point out I was told only 2% of people have a nerve die for no reason. This is not caused by a stroke or bell's palsy, most of those patients have full  restoration of facial paralysis.  My nerve is dead, it is not coming back to life, not with therapy, not with standing in front of the mirror everyday begging facial muscles to move.  There is no comfort I get knowing I need to live with this.  There are no support groups.  I have felt alone and disconnected from my family and friends.  I have shed more tears over this than I ever did over my diagnosis with cancer.  I will not apologize to anyone for how I feel.  I would hope people would be considerate of the decisions I have to make, they are difficult.

Most of us, including me have this conception of ourselves.  None of us want to think we are concerned with the look of our face.  I am here to tell you, unless you have been through this, a part of that 2% you do not know how you would handle it.  This has really messed with my head, and made me doubt myself in so many ways.  I'm trying so hard to be patient, to remember when I felt like most of you.  The fact is, I am part of that 2% and I do have to deal with it.  This may take years for me to feel comfortable.  So many people have asked me why I am involved with Nerium International.  It has been a year now since I made that decision.  Before the paralysis, I felt like I needed to get out of the cancer world and instead of always thinking about my next doctor appointment, get reconnected with friends.  One of the best decisions  of my life was to become a partner with Nerium.  Little did I know my life would be so richly blessed with self development.  I know without a doubt the Lord was watching me.  He knew what this facial paralysis would do to me. I have learned to love myself on a level completely different than I ever imagined I could.  I truly believe happiness comes from within, it is a process of finding yourself.  I am in that process now.  I have friends who don't know anything about my cancer journey, who didn't know me before the facial paralysis, they have helped me along this road of self awareness.  My friends who have known me for years and seen me through so much, will forever be embedded on my heart, I love them eternally.

I believe I have nothing to offer Nerium International, the company will grow and flourish with or without me, but I need  to flourish and grow right now. I feel a part of something, something wonderful.  The philosophy of the company I already believed in, the integrity and loyalty I feel is something I have wanted to be a part of my entire life.  This is so much more than about money for me. I have a chance to really make a difference in not only my life but to help others do the same.  Right now this is where I need to be.  I have constantly relied on the Lord for 5 years to guide me in the correct decisions.  I am not going to turn my back on the feelings I have now.  I know He is with me, He is blessing me along this journey.  I am continually telling myself I am beautiful, I am a daughter of God, I am an influence, I am important, I am going to survive, I am choosing the right.

Brain Scan-Mayo Clinic

I arrived at Mayo Clinic early this morning, and can I just say that the people who drive to work between 7-8 am everyday......I am so sorry.  It was stop and go the entire way to Mayo Blvd.  I will be getting  brain scans every 3 months FOREVER.  All that really is, is an MRI, 45 minutes of pounding, and hammering on my brain--I survived, not my favorite thing to do, but necessary for Dr. Barr's to see what is going on between my ear and my brain.....not much.

Let me explain this doozie.  When I arrived at the hospital they took me in to prep me for the scan.  Included in the visit is an IV.  I warned the nurse not to use anything less than a 22 needle, and to not use my left arm, wrist, or hand.  She smiled and assure me she knew what she was doing. I then announced "Please listen to me, I know.........." then she plunged the size 20 needle into my left hand, immediately I concluded "you just blew out my vein" The nurse then said "How did you know what size needle to use?"  "This is not my first rodeo, after 5 years of being poked and prodded I've learned the left side has no veins left,  if you had let me finish before you  stuck me I would of let you know, 

my experiences have taught me" She then advised me "Since you've had a port on your right side, you shouldn't use the right side, I'm sure your oncologist has told you not to use the right side for at least 10 years, since your lymph nodes were removed?" "Um, no he has never told me anything like that" "Who is your oncologist?" I looked up just in time to see a familiar face, and she recognized my face also.  Beaming, I said "Lindsay right?" she reached in to hug me, "Yes, how did you remember my name?" "I'm not sure, I just did, but I'm not sure why, or who you are" a few small laughs.  She then affirmed  "I was your nurse on the 5th floor, when you had your nerve go dead, how are you doing?" "I am fantastic, except for this blown out vein ...... just here for a brain scan" "Oh dear, I'm sorry about the vein, let's see if I can get a smaller needle and use the other hand" The previous nurse disappeared and Lindsay finished up.  What a great surprise, I love when I get the pleasure of running into the great staff who have served me over the years.

One of the reasons I love Mayo Clinic so much they always have my results the same day.  I ate lunch, then met with Dr. Barr's.  He is so great, always has a big smile and a sweet compassionate heart.  The results of the brain scan looked good, the cholesteatoma has no regrowth, there was a little liquid build up, but nothing for me to worry about.  Dr. Barr's took time to talk to me about the facial paralysis, he wanted to know how I am dealing with it.  It's hard to say I'm OK with it, I'm not.  Of course I wish things were different, I explained I am trying to deal with 'being OK' if the nerve does not fuse back together.  I added, I'm not used to people looking at me then quickly looking away, I have gotten to the point that I look away now, so they will not have to be uncomfortable.  He then looked at me with his big smile and acknowledged what I was feeling was normal, but that he loves who I am, my personality and my heart.  I have to admit, it was a good boost for me, I needed to hear exactly what he had to say.

I will be going to Cleveland Clinic next week for some more surgery on my eye, I think when I get home I will be finishing all the rest of my surgeries up at Mayo Clinic.

The truth stings

Hip and back pain, back in Dr. Freeman's pain clinic today at Mayo.  I love my doctors, he is a good man, they all are.  Walking into the hospital gave me uncomfortable feelings of remembrance, being in pain for me has become an issue  I won't address unless it get to at least on an 8 on a scale from 0-10.  The medicines for pain I despise.  When I walked into the hospital today I immediately looked to my left, this is where I watched a woman die while the paramedics tried to save her, and I was jealous, I wished it had been me.  I'm not afraid to die, but enjoy life right now too.

Mayo Clinic "the place"

The nurse came in with  Dr. Freeman  asks my name, birth date and asks "what are we doing for you today?" ha, umm for me or to me? without hesitation I reply "hurting me to take away my pain" how weird is that statement?  They both, not knowing how to respond say "where are we going to hurt you today" laughter "in my hip and lower back" He gives me trigger spot shots, and when he does he jiggles the needle around to make sure he gets the entire area around where the initial pain is.  Every time he does that I want to come off the table, he always says "almost done, I'm sorry it hurts"  I have not seem him since my surgery in at Mayo Clinic in the Spring, we were able to have a good private conversation about how I'm really doing.  That one is so hard to talk about, I'm not sure how I am doing, in comparison to what?

Recovery, drinking my daily routine

I have been staying really busy, working at US Airways, I have the best management and supervisor I could ask for, they really care.  Also, working on being Happy, trying to deal privately with, if my face has to stay the way it is right now, am I going to be OK with that? I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel, but at times I am lonely in THAT world. I have researched partial facial paralysis, gone to the library, online and trying to reach out to anyone who has suffered or is dealing now with this--NOTHING--I guess I understand a little more about what Dr. Barr's was talking about when he said this is rare for a nerve to just die, with no apparent reason.  This is not like having a stroke or Bell's Palsy where the nerve is damaged,  and WILL eventually snap back, this is a dead nerve, which means it will not live again, or regenerate.

This is what a dead nerve looks like--and it's mine.

Going to Cleveland Clinic to see Dr. Gastman was to take a live nerve from my ankle and replace the dead nerve in my head with a good nerve, hoping it will grow together with the nerves on either side.  IF this works,  we will not see any results for a year, and I will maybe get 30% of facial movement back.  If it does not work, they want to cut along my hairline pull my face back and take nerve from my left side of my head and connect it with the one on the right, then wait another year.   I'm not sure I want to go through that again.  Going back and forth to Cleveland Clinic is difficult for me, not getting results or answers is frustrating, wanting to say "WHY" is realistic on some day's.

Getting to hear for the 1st time in 48 years was fantastic, I heard things I'd never heard before, sounds most people I know take for granted.  That first night coming home was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had, without a doubt the Lord was smiling down on me along with Colby.  What I wasn't prepared for was going to work the next day, ready to share my new exciting news was quickly turned to sadness.  Actually hearing what people say about me, it hurt, none of them were saying it to hurt me in fact none of them know I could hear it,  and they all were saying it out of love for me--still the sting of truth hurts. Going to the store, watching people quickly look away when we make eye contact I've been able to get used to, but now hearing opinions I am the one looking down and away before eye contact is made. I thought I was going to make new connections and share in the beauty of small sounds, be able to give the gift of not taking for granted, the sound of a pen writing on a piece of paper, or the clicking of the keys on the keyboard as we making reservations, the fact that I could for the first time be able to turn the phone volume down. Instead what I heard was "I feel so sorry for her" "She is so strong" "Have you ever read her blog?" "I don' think her face is ever going to be the same"  "She used to have such a beautiful smile" tears ran down my cheeks as I sat and heard these words coming from I'm not sure who, as I am still trying to distinguish where sounds are coming from.  We have cubicles where we sit,  I quickly wiped my tears so no one could see, and took my BAJA off.  I haven't worn it since that day to work.

So proud of Mayo Clinic, this Cancer Center has been in the
works for year's, it's getting done, they will have a proton
radiation beam, the only one in the Western part of the
nation.  Proton beams are used to radiate certain cancer's and
can pinpoint to  99.9% . 

I am the one who get's to decide what my destiny is, what my life will be and who I decide to share my light with.  I love my co workers, I love my family and friends, but I need to be OK with 'me'.
I will decide where I end up, I'm doing what I can to figure all that out, and until I do I can't wear the BAJA.  I pick and choose,  and I'm taking it slow, because sitting in this moment right now, I'm feeling things I've never felt before.  My heart has never beat so hard in my chest than it has in the times when I've been wearing the BAJA.  I feel blessed to know, the people around me are sincerely my friends, they are kind and loving, at least nothing bad was said--just the truth--the truth I was not prepared to hear.  Reality is, I need to work on me, on my confidence, get rid of the negative and concentrate on the positive.  There's a fire in me that I can never deny, I know He lives and He loves me.  It is my faith and my hope over the years that has given me such peace, given me strength to endure and enjoy the sweetness of life.  However, I've tasted the truth and my heart will never be the same. That is not necessarily a bad thing, maybe I needed a taste of reality.  It's just going to take some time to process what it is He wants me to learn.

Off of my balcony in my bedroom, the moon
is beautiful tonight, this picture does
not do justice.  It is HUGE, YELLOW and
GOEGEOUS

I will wear the BAJA on the Sunday before Thanksgiving, to hear Stephen Phelps and the choir sing Come thou Font of every Blessing.  I have so much to be grateful and have been blessed with a good life---music touches my soul and helps me to heal.  It's just a longer process this time.

Something Amazing

I AM ADDING THIS TODAY BECAUSE I HAVE RECEIVED SOME EMAILS. I GUESS I DID NOT EXPLAIN IT ENOUGH, FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NOT BEEN FOLLOWING.

I HAVE BEEN DEAF IN MY RIGHT EAR FOR 48 YEARS DUE TO A BLOW TO THE HEAD AT AGE 3. IT JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME EAR I HAVE HAD MULTIPLE SURGERIES ON THIS YEAR.  MY LEFT EAR I HAVE BEEN USING TO HEAR WITH FOR ALL THESE YEARS, IT'S MY GOOD EAR, THE ONE I CAN NOW HEAR OUT OF, EVEN THOUGH THE IMPLANT IS ON THE RIGHT SIDE, IT TRANSMITS SOUNDS WAVES TO THE GOOD EAR ON THE LEFT TO IMPROVE MY HEARING. MY RIGHT EAR IS NOW COMPLETELY EMPTY, NO INNER CANAL, NO EARDRUM, NO NOTHING, THE DOCTOR TOOK SKIN FROM MY HEAD AND MADE A NEW LOOKING EAR FOR ME.

Today, something amazing happened to me.  I had appointments at Mayo Clinic, I met with Kelly Conroy in the hearing department to have my Baha hearing device finally connected to my implant.  I was not prepared for what would happened, I normally go to Mayo Clinic without thinking much about why I'm there or who I am supposed to see, I just don't let my mind think about it unless I'm going to the 3rd floor then I need to prepare myself.
I have met with Kelly before for hearing tests and to be fitted for my Baha, but it's literally been almost a year since my implant was placed,  so much has happened since then, the Baha has not been on my mind.  Today, I was blessed with a Tender Mercy from Heavenly Father, one that I really needed right now.  I now have a new person to love at Mayo Clinic, I will never forget today, and I am so grateful Kelly Conroy was the one I shared this moment with, she was so compassionate and loving.
Kelly placed the device on my implant then made some adjustments on her computer to customize the hearing device to my hearing needs.  What happened next was simply amazing, I wish I had it on video, or that Eric could have been there to share it with me.  When she activated the device I could hear everything so clear and crisp, I smiled, we sat and talked for quite awhile so she could make sure it was working well.  We both cried as I explained some of my feelings I've had this year. This was not even the amazing part, because we were in a closed small office it did not register with me that I could actually hear things better, until I got to my car.
I opened the door to get in the front seat, when I started the car my music was so loud, I quickly turned it down, I smiled, backed the car up--and the sound of putting the car in reverse was something I had never heard. As I drove down the beeline highway, I noticed a man walking, I pulled over and asked him if he needed any help.  He was so out in the middle of nowhere, I was worried for him.  He assured me he had AAA on their way, and thanked me.  I wondered "why is he talking so loud?" I was overcome with emotion, I had to pull the car over a few miles away, get out and walk through the wild flowers, never before had I seen anything more beautiful, I looked to the sky, brilliant blue with fluffy white clouds and cried, I heard a bird chirp it was absolutely beautiful.  All these years I thought I knew what that sounded like, but today it was clearer than I had ever felt it or heard it.  I knew at that moment and time, He loves me, He really, really loves me, and not only me, He loves my biological father Colby Belshe.  I could feel his presence, this was more than an emotionally draining day for me, but at that very moment standing with my arms high, twirling in the Arizona desert I could feel that finally Colby was happy, his daughter could hear.  Colby never could forgive himself for being the fault of my deafness, I had forgiven him I don't ever remember being angry with him, not hearing was all I ever knew, I had told him many, many times I was OK, that I didn't blame him, but even to his death I believe he took that guilt with him.  Today, that is over for him, he watched me, I felt him and I know he is now able to move on.  Thank you Heavenly Father for such a beautiful gift you have given me.
I picked myself up and got back in my car, called Eric and could not believe how loud he was, I smiled tears running down my cheeks I smiled.
When I got home, this is when the real magic happened for me.  I opened the door and I heard the door knob turn, I smiled, when the door shut behind me I screamed it was so loud, it scared me. I did the same thing when my phone rang, I have "Happy" as my ring tone, I about jumped out of my own skin, but I smiled.  Walking across my wood floors I heard every step, in the kitchen I opened the microwave and shut it several times to hear the sound, did the same thing with the refrigerator, I smiled.
When my hand touched the staircase to walk up, I heard my hand even softly dragging, I smiled.  I sat on my bedroom floor weeping, all alone just the way it should be, I'm sure it was not too pretty.  I could even hear the carpet as I ran my hand across it, all I could say was thank you, thank you so much for this unexpected miracle.  Tonight I pulled the string on the dental floss and the sound was nothing I'd ever heard before, I did it over and over again until the container was all gone. Turning the pages of my scriptures was amazing, I heard every crinkle, and I smiled.  I sat on my bed in awe of what my Heavenly Father has blessed me with, at such a critical time in my life.  I wanted to shout it out on the top of my lungs, HE LOVES ME.  I don't think I have smiled like I did today for so long, and even though it was a half smile, I didn't care, I couldn't help it.  Nothing, and I mean nothing is as beautiful as being able to hear everything, all the creations He has created for us to see, hear, feel and smell we take for granted.
I can't wait to hear more things.  I immediately turned my primary music on, my favorite song has always been My Heavenly Father Loves Me....I cry every time I hear this song.

My Heavenly Father Loves Me:

Whenever I hear the song of a bird,
or look at the blue blue sky,
whenever I feel the rain on my face
or the wind as it rushes by.
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world,
Heavenly Father created for me.
He gave me my eyes that I might see
the color of butterfly wings,
he gave me my ears that I might
hear the magical sound of things
He gave me my life, my mind
my heart, I thank Him reverently
for all his creations of which I'm
a part, Yes, I know Heavenly Father
Loves me.

Today these words mean more to me than ever before, I can't help but think that Heavenly Father has been waiting for this day, preparing me, and refining me, preparing Colby too as he has suffered with this guilt for so long, I am so happy for him too.  I cannot stop crying, I am just so blessed, the tears are flowing like a river with no end in sight.  I just want to open and close things, I want to hear my grandkids laugh, oh I can't wait for that, I thought I loved those belly laughs before but I have a feeling as I get used to this new blessing I am going to continue to have tears, learning so much of what we take for granted.  So if you see me tear up, I'm ok I'm just hearing something new and enjoying it for the first time. I don't know if I can say thank you enough to Him who gave me this gift today, and I know He is smiling down on me too. I've been so lost these last few months, trying so hard to understand what I am supposed to do, what I am supposed to be learning, and maybe I will still continue to ask, but not today, today I am grateful, this is a feeling I will never ever forget.

Find Me-Frozen Inside

There have been times when I want to curl up and stay in the safety of a cocoon, much life a butterfly does.  I have had days when I  feel like I'm locked in a glass house with no way out, no key and no way to fly free--I'm emotionally healing so much slower than I expected I would.  I'm trying so hard to break out of these four walls, I wish I had someone to talk to. I'm losing my grasp, having a hard time being authentic.  I hide how tearfully hard it is for me not to be able to smile a full big smile, I feel my frailties are being masked, by a strong woman who has hard time admitting her weaknesses.

I ache at times trying so hard to hold back smiles or laughter for fear of what I look like to others.  I caught myself wanting to laugh when I heard Ezra's huge belly laugh--he is so cute--but I caught my reflection in the mirror of our entryway and suddenly realized "this is what other people see"  This immediately took me down to a low I can't explain.  I still feel so much happiness in my heart & want to share it, especially with my grandchildren but for some reason, I've let the adversary control my thoughts.  The confusion is a contradiction of what I feel inside,  I don't understand it, so I of course do not expect anyone else to understand it either.  I'm trying my hardest to Live Happy, going out and serving others, while I'm in the act of service it warms my heart and lightens my load.

I love the Happiness Movement the United Nations agreed upon, the 1st celebration was and will continue on March 20th.  I know and believe with all my heart that one person can make a difference, a rippling effect which can be wrapped over and around the hearts of people all over the world, no matter what race, culture, or religious belief.  I am an ambassador of Happiness, still I wonder sometimes if that too is a contradiction of how I feel on some days.  I feel like I am on display, I see how people look at me then quickly look away, I know because I too have done it.  I've said before on this blog, I don't believe people in general are vindictive or mean any harm, it's natural for a person to take a double look at something that is not what they are used to seeing.  I just never thought I would be the one on display.   I see them look, then look away and whisper to their friend, mother or neighbor, they both look and quickly turn their back to me, usually because they know I have just seen what they did.  The only thing that really holds me together is knowing He see's me, the REAL me--He knows I want to be me again, the sad part is because of what I've experienced I know I will never be the same again, and I believe this is a good thing.  Although, I didn't ask for this experience I'm living it.  I also realize at the same time, I do have control over how I deal with the inner aching I continue to feel. I may not be in charge of my trials, but I do have control how I deal with them, and I choose to take it slow, understanding all that is expected of me, then proceed forward in faith, and with desire to continue to be the best I can be.

On the days when I work at UsAirways, the security guard always asks me "how are you doing today Monya?" and my answer is always the same "better than I was yesterday" I wrestle with what has been lost in my life, It's more than just dealing with cancer with all of it's side effects.  I expect so much out of myself, I've always been a goal keeper.  I carry a crushing weight on my shoulders when I am unable to achieve  my goals.  I'm simply not able to do this on my own, my soul is tired and I need a rest.  I've pleaded for help so many times, I seriously think I don't have any tears left to cry.
I'm giving my all, but there are times I don't want to hear the answers. Saying I'm deaf is literally an understatement.  I am so vulnerable right now, I know I need to be willing to put all my trust one more time in the Lords hands.  I've been down this road before, I know this feeling.  It's difficult to take a step forward, and also hurts to look backwards. I want peace to speak louder than my fear. I have asked again, and again, and again "what am I supposed to learn" "What do you want me to do next?" I know when I'm finally ready to listen I will go and be or do what He needs me to be or to do.

I know this fear and pain that I am feeling needs to be turned over to the Lord, but for today, just for now I'm frozen inside.  No regrets, I've felt this pain before, and I will not bury it, I know I have to live it, feel it and when I'm living in those shadows He will find me, take me by the hand and lead me to a brighter place.

What is a Saint ?

When I think of someone as a Saint, my mind immediately goes to Viola Williams, Eric's Mom.  In my eyes she could do no wrong, she actively would seek out the weak and weary and take them into her home for comfort from their worldly worries. Many times, the knock on the door was in the midst of the early morning, or late night, but she never turned anyone away, she loved unconditionally.  Life to her was beautiful, she was raised in humble circumstances, served a mission in Hawaii, and married the love her life Ray Williams. Ray was a postal worker, and she was an accountant.  I never saw them quarrel, they learned the art of laughter and happiness together as they struggled through life's challenges together, I miss them both dearly.   I look to Vi as my ultimate example,  and know without a doubt I will feel her loving arms around me again when I leave this life and start my new journey.

I recently had someone say to me "you are a saint" to that person I said "I am not a Saint, unless you think of a Saint as a sinner who just keeps trying to be better than they were the day before" 

Honestly, I keep tracing the steps of where I've been these past 5 years and cannot comprehend how I've been able to continue on.  I read some of my old blog posts, and I can see the Lord's hand writing those words, He has been with me every step.

With this past trial I am trying to deal with, there are times I feel very vulnerable, it's hard to speak sometimes to people, my eyes tear up.  The aching of this is so real to me, I remember not being able to get the Villain out of my head, it was a day to day struggle, fighting to stay alive.  I have poured out my heart and soul to the Lord at times feeling his loving arms around me, and at times feeling deserted and alone.  The feeling of peace, and knowing His grace remains with me,  has certainly gotten me through some unbearable times.

While talking to Doctor Northfelt, I told him it's hard for me to look in the mirror,  and be ok with what I see.  This is a change even I have to get used to seeing, and right now I am dealing with it my own way.  It's hard to feel attractive for my husband, in my head I wonder if I am sexy to him anymore. Will I be able to live with this face if I have to?  I asked Eric if he is embarrassed to walk with me or hold my hand in public, knowing already what his answer would be I still needed to ask.  This transitional period is hard, very hard.  I'm grateful for Dr. Northfelt, although not all of what I just shared here I shared with him, but he is always so good at listening.

 The people who know me, know my heart and that has not changed. I do feel a sense of loneliness sometimes, when I was going through chemo and radiation I had a support group, people I could talk to, who were either going through it themselves or had already been down that road.  We all had similar feelings and could help each other get through the bad days.  I don't have anyone to talk to, I  don't know anyone who has or is going through this life altering trauma.  I do my best to keep positive, but smiling is hard, because it looks so weird, one side smiles while the other is "normal"  Even when I am happy I catch a glimpse of what I look like when I smile and it is hideous to look at.  So this leaves me in a predicament, do I never smile or laugh again?  No, it does mean that I need to learn to smile with my eyes, and listen with my heart, knowing others who love me don't see that ugly smile they see the heart of the same ole' 'say it like it is' Monya.

 I quit trying to understand why, or how this happened.  I instead have been focusing on happiness, what does happy mean to me?  In December after my 1st ear surgery a dear friend called me, and invited me to a Nerium event, I think the 1st three times I said I'd be there but either forgot, or simply didn't want to know what it was.  I don't remember, but Shelli reminds me of it.  Finally, she invited Eric and I to the Barrett Jackson event, I really didn't want to go, but Eric wanted to get me out of the house.  I was still feeling post surgical pain, so I sat with the girls in Shelli's Nerium booth, I sat and observed (you know how I love to people watch) there were a ton of men coming up and buying this cream, at the time I thought they were probably just coming back because all of these girls are drop dead gorgeous. I observed the interaction these girls had with people, then I was approached by Liz Decker she said "so what do you know about Nerium?" I said "Nothing, but I want in, it's time for me to get out of this cancer world and I heard you mention you are all going to St Louis in April, sign me up for that too, I need a girls trip" I went to St. Louis had an incredible time watching person after person serve and help each other. It really was quite amazing, EVERYONE was so happy.  This was exactly what I needed, get out of my cancer world and start living my life with friends I had excluded because of my diagnosis.  Shortly later I had the emergency surgeries at Mayo Clinic, all those Nerium people came to visit me, that pierced my heart knowing these people are REALLY genuine. Then when I went to Cleveland Clinic for 7 weeks, they were so supportive and kept in touch with me.  I continued to share my thoughts about Nerium with people and even shared enough that I was able to sign up a partner from a bed with my computer.  I gave out Live Happy Magazines to everyone, day by day I could see and feel myself gaining confidence in who I am again.  When I came home, I was welcomed back with open arms and tearful eyes.  We took off again just where I left off, not skipping a beat, or feeling vulnerable at all with them, my face is different, I thought it would be a deterrent and was afraid to face them, this is an amazing anti aging company promoting beauty and looking younger, how in the world can I represent them?  Now that I look back on that, I can see the Lord's hand leading me and guiding me to this place I thought I could never be in again.  With that I have to say "thank you" to all my Nerium Family, who has truly loved me like family.  I may not be moving as quickly as I had originally goaled, I've learned the goal is still the same, the timing is just different, and finally I've learned that those who truly love you will never leave you, this my friends is unconditional love, so Saint I may never be, but trying to be better day by day, yes I can do that.