2nd Round of Chemo

The Red Dragon being inserted into my Port


Ginger and I



I literally just walked in the door from my 2nd chemo treatment and thought I better write before I get sick. Yesterday was an aweful day, I threw up all day long, I think my nerves were getting the best of me. Knowing what I was facing today makes me anxious and even the best meds were not helping me yesterday. Plus I have all these pictures I want to post about my wonderful Thanksgiving, however I think I will post this one first then the Thanksgiving one later when I feel better. My appointment was at 10:10 am, we checked in to see the PA Margot Henderson and she did not get into the room until about an hour later, Tamy and I didn't mind we were laughing and carrying on like little girls. When she did come in she said all my labs looked really good after the 1st treatment, I'm happy about that. When she told me I should not be flossing my teeth anymore, I was not happy, I told her I would take my chances. If you know me well you know I carry floss in my purse I have it in the kitchen, next to my bed, I floss my teeth all the time at least after each meal, I told her I would try to knock it down to once a day. She told me some other things I should not be doing, but I am not going to blog them, too many of you will be looking out for them ha ha. I can't give up everything, I'm like an addict, cold turkey will not work for me, baby steps, baby steps....
Margot also told me I was supposed to bring the Emend meds with me to every chemo appointment, I told her on the script it said only to the 1st chemo appointment, she looked it up and sure enough that is what it said, but it was a mistake, she said you have to have that medicine to do chemo or you will get really sick....at this point I'm thinking "how much more sick can I get?" So today she wrote me scripts for 8 meds one being the Emend. My chemo treatment starts at 12:30 but by the time we got out of Margot is was 12:15 and I needed to go to the Mayo Pharmacy. Mayo Pharmacy said that my insurance would not approve it so it would cost $400 (for 3 pills), I said "uh I just had this filled 2 weeks ago and it was only $50" they said
"your insurance is not showing you ever had Emend" I called Walgreens sure enough they had it and said they would have it ready for a refill in one hour. This was a nightmare....I will never use Mayo Pharmay again, this is the 2nd time we have had a problem with them....love Mayo.....don't love their Pharmacy.
Now I am off to get the red dragon poured into my veins. Today my nurse is Ginger, so sweet and she appreciated our humor, I tried so hard today to think of Blake and his mission and all the blessings I have in my life, it helped for the 1st hour, then I got worn down, today the red dragon hit my organs hard and it was cold. I imagined again my heros, Blake, Eric, Brian and Jeremy going in fully loaded and ready to fight. During chemo it's difficult for me to concentrate, my mind is wondering all over the place, I turned on the TV to distract me, no luck today I guess I am going to feel every drip going into my body, but I know my boys are fighting for me, it's a long hard battle and they are with me every step of the way.
During the drip, I get a text from my Sister Sonya, "I Love You, I'm here for you"
My sisters are incredible and I love them so much, the support I get from them comes from the heart, and is sincere in everyway. I get a call from Eric, and Haleigh "I love you" from Kayla a text "I Love You" I need them to know that is the best distraction EVER and "I LOVE YOU TOO" I often think about my family and all they are going through, it is hard on them and I feel so bad, I say "I'm sorry" to Eric all the time and know that his love is also sincere and unconditional. On the way home, my hair is falling out all over the place, I say sorry to Tamy for getting it in the car, she says "I want it in my car" ok seriously? Who says that? Tamy Scheurn says stuff like that, she loves me and has been a great strength to me through all of this, especially when my family cannot always physically be there for appointments. I love Tamy and know that we have stayed friends over the years for a reason, now is the time we lean on eachother unconditionally showing compassion, building eachother up when its needed.
Tonight I am getting Chicken Noodle Soup delivered from Cheri Toolson, she claims its the best ever for chemo patients, I don't know Cindy Packard made me some chicken noodle soup last week that I would die for. I am so lucky to have such great women in my life and I do not take one minute of life for granted, I am grateful everyday for the new and old friends I have in my life, and know my life is forever changed, no looking back, I tell my kids all the time "it's not about where you have been but about where you are going" for me It is going to be about where I have been and what I learned from it.

Negotiations With the Lord

Are we allowed to negotiate with God?  I'm a little fearful of this question, but still want to know.  I remember being 14 years old and begging Heavenly Father during a prayer I was having to please get me out of this situation I was in, and I,  in return, would try my hardest to be good person.  HE DID.

I also pleaded with the Lord when I was diagnosed with cancer,  to please let me live long enough to see my son come home from his mission. HE DID.

Once Blake got home,  I asked again to please let me live long enough to see Haleigh find the love of her life and get married in the Temple, she's engaged to be married in March.

When Eric's mother was alive she told me that she was given a blessing when she was diagnosed with breast cancer,  all she asked was that she please be allowed to see her boys return from missions.  She went into a remission for approximately 14 years, when Kurt,  the youngest boy came home from his mission her cancer came back within a few months and she passed away.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and 3 years since my 1st negotiations started.  I have a feeling negotiations are going to come to an end.  I promised my family I would make some decisions about moving forward with health issues after the Holidays, and the "Holidays" are coming and going too soon, I'm not ready. However, I did put it on my calendar to make an appointment with my pain doctor at Mayo Clinic --which means its on my calendar to call them, and I will.

I'm making some progress as we wind down this year, and start into 2013.  I have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Friday January 4th with my new endocrinologist Dr. Roust. I saw Dr. Magitbay (my gyno oncologist) a couple of weeks ago and he said things look good.  I know it's baby steps towards some answers, but I'm making them.  I also have some tests on the calendar--YAY--can you hear the sarcasm?  My family will be happy.

This time of year brings on a lot of emotions for me,  and has for years.  It used to be because I was not with my mom and sharing the holidays with her, knowing she would be alone, and that she chose to not soften her heart.  Now, I appreciate the Holidays, I love the spirit it brings into my heart.  3 years ago my friends and family put up all my Christmas decorations while I threw up and felt the pain of chemo raging through my body.  I don't think I have given enough attention or appreciation for what Eric and the rest of my family was going through at that time.

 I often times talk to the caregivers where I volunteer,  one common thread that I have noticed is that they feel helpless, often times feeling angry but not exactly knowing who to be angry with or why they are angry.  Recently I received an email from one of our patients caregivers, she wanted to know if it was "normal" to feel the anger she was feeling after the loss of her friend, she wanted to know what she could of done to better serve her friend.  There is no NORMAL to life when you are struck with a diagnosis of cancer.  I have learned from volunteering that more often then not people who are going through this journey, process it completely different than their caregivers.    I'm so grateful I have the opportunity to volunteer, so many people have said to me "why would you want to be around that environment, after all you've been through?" to those people I always smile and say "why wouldn't I?" I'm learning more about myself and my sweet husband (the caregiver) from volunteering then I would of ever learned anywhere else.  I am so thankful for Eric, he was the best caregiver I could of ever had during my treatments, and he continues to be strong and the best cheerleader for me as I visit Mayo Clinic.

So as I ask the question "are we allowed to negotiate with the Lord?" my conclusion is and always has been, we are not in control of our lives, we can make promises and I believe the Lord will keep his promises to us, but life happens, all around us are people who need our attention and need our love, we may not understand why some trials come into our lives, I sure don't,  but I do believe at least for me,  I have learned so much about myself these past few years, I don't want to go back there, however, the experience has softened my heart and helped me to be a more compassionate person, and if you know me well you know this is a great accomplishment for me.  

2013--bring it on--even with that number 13 I detest--

What is your love Language? Viola.

Besides one other time while I was going through my chemo treatments have I felt the spirit of Eric's mom so strongly as I did last night when I attended the Temple.  My favorite women of all time was sitting in the chair smiling so big from ear to ear, she looked me in the eyes nodded her head as if to say with those big blue eyes piercing through my soul "I love you, you will make the right decisions, I'm here for you" I looked back after slowly walking by, not wanting this moment to end and she was gone, it was just another cute lady sitting there greeting people.

Dang it I miss her, I know without a doubt when I pass through the veil to the other side (hopefully Heaven since I know that is where she is) Vi will be the 1st to embrace me, then her eternal companion, my father in law Ray Williams--I love them so dearly and have often had to humble myself knowing I would never want to disappoint them.

I had another incredible spiritual experience last night as I attended the Temple, one in which I will have to record in another journal that is not so public.  I'm grateful for the knowledge that Families can live together forever in Eternity together.

Another realization came this week, when I had lunch with a friend.  It was mentioned to me that we all "love differently" I have never thought about it the way it was so humbly explained.  Each of us are taught to love as the Savior did, unconditional right?  There has only been one person in my life I have ever met who has been able to successfully do this Viola Williams, I literally never heard a sore word about another come out of her mouth, she was constantly serving others as the Savior did, and in the end she died quietly in pain with breast cancer, leaving a legacy of complete understanding of our Saviors plan for her family to carry on.  I want, no I need to be more like her example.

The fact is my friend is correct we all do love differently, think about the people around you, the in your family, church groups, workout groups are they all the same? No, we all show our love in a different way, some are comfortable hugging and saying "I Love You" (that is me) some may care and love for you but not want to be touched or hugged, some show love by giving gifts, some by words of affirmation and appreciation, some want to hold on to their children and never let them experience the circle of life (this would be Eric)  AT the end of the day when we all understand how we love it is so much easier to accept and truly love the ones around us, just as the Savior did.  Thank you my friend for teaching me this principle.

Mayo Visit-

Needle for accessing my PORT

I went to Mayo Hospital yesterday for some tests..... still looking at that hip.  It's been a year ago this month that I finished up my radiation treatments.  One of the doctors told me yesterday that Mayo is building a new radiation department at the Hospital.  He was explaining how the new system is so precise, it hits the tumor no matter what size at a 99.9% effectiveness rate, with no room really for error.  This is so awesome for the world of cancer.

Yesterday as I walked into the Mayo Hospital, I felt calm and at peace, until ........ I stepped off the elevator onto the floor, the floor where it all goes down, you know what floor I mean?  The chemo floor, it reeked of chemo smell and made me sick to my stomach, as I waited outside the door for my beeper to go off I was pacing and remembering and wishing Tamy was there to help me "get over" this panic attack I was having.  I mean seriously? it's been over a year now since I've been done with chemo yet every time I get there I am sick.  When I walked into the room my eyes immediately went to a young girl who was having her chemo treatments, she could not of been more than 16-17 years old, my heart started to race as I sat across from her and watched her being injected with that RED dragon.  The nurse took my vitals and said I needed to calm down, I thought to myself "I wish I could, I really wish I knew a way to do that" She accessed my port took my blood and I was outta there.  When I got to my car I had to take a deep breath and remember where I've been, how far I have come and where I am going--

Chemo Brain

Physically I feel the best I have felt in 2 years, thank you Heavenly Father, my prayers have been answered. Blake will be home in 3 short months and I want to look healthy for him.  My hip pain has subsided, it's really strange,  there's a spot on the bone they still  are not sure what it is,  once I started to exercise again the pain went away.   I also started back to US AIRWAYS about 6 weeks ago, seriously I had no idea how smart I used to be.... ha ha!  I  have chemo brain and forget things all the time, I forget my children's names even when they are looking right at me, I forget simple daily things that should come easy to remember,  now that I am back to work I realize how much knowledge I had, being re-trained has been difficult for me, I have to write everything down.  Just so you know chemo brain is an actual condition some patients get after going through extensive amounts of chemo... boy, that's good to know I was beginning to think I had the start of something new like Alzheimer's or dementia, those are awful diagnosis to have.  
It's fun to see people at work that I have not seen for a long time, some will look at me and say "Oh did you cut your hair?"  I just smile and say "why yes, yes I did"  I am only working 4 hour shifts a couple days a week, but I am thankful to be back to work and challenge my brain a little.  I feel like my life is finally getting back to a "Normal" I can live with.

Wigs on Boys

This is my sweet baby boy.... I found a great use for my chemo-days wig, I never wore it not once. Kaitlyn brought Recker into my room yesterday with this on, I told Jeremy this is what his sweet little girl will look like..... ha ha  I THINK HE LOOKS BETTER AS A BOY!

Spring Break 2011 (Sunday)

I am in Mexico at our condo with Haleigh, her friends Haleigh, Emily, Parker, Robbie, Kaitlyn and Brian.


We woke up this morning and drove to church, I was so surprised when we arrived and the building was being renovated.  Steve and Stuart Frost were in the car just in front of us, they found out where to go so we followed them and got to church just in time to take the Sacrament.  There was no seats available in the chapel, so we had to stand outside. I love that there were so many people in church today, most of them were Americans here for spring break but it was nice to see the chapel filled with people. 

THIS IS THE DOOR AT THE CHURCH
LOOKS LIKE AN EASY BREAK IN-
I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THE
CHURCH WE HAVE TO MEET IN

 I found the full time missionaries, one of them Elder Randall from Nevada, I got his mothers phone number and when I get home I will call her and let her know her son is doing well and that he loves her.  It made me think of Blake, I wish someone would call me from the DR and tell me they just saw my son and that he loves me ......  well I know he loves me, but still every mom deserves that phone call at least once while their son is serving for those 2 years.

THIS IS THE CHURCH IN MEXICO-SO FULL WE HAD TO LISTENT THROUGH THAT DOOR STANDING UP BEHIND THESE PEOPLE-AND OUTSIDE

Today I was thinking about a year ago, I was still in chemo, shiny bald head, and feeling really sick. I rarely left the condo.  Mysti and her girls were here, I miss them this year, I'm grateful that I'm not sick and that I have hair.  In fact today my hair blew in my face, I actually have pieces long enough to blow in the wind and hit my face, before I know it I will be putting it  in a pony tail and going to the gym.  

Mayo Monday🚩

Today when I arrived at the Mayo Clinic Scottsdale Campus, I realized it has been a few months since I have been at this campus. I walked in to hear Anne Monte, an elderly woman playing the piano. It reminded me of a year ago, Tamy and I were at the Mayo for a chemo appointment and Anne Monte was playing the piano, a familiar tune to Tamy so she and I walked up and said hi to her and Tamy sang along with the music. Today I watched her play the piano so beautifully as I waited for the nurse to call my name. I watched Anne as someone came and lifted her into a wheelchair, she smiled and said Hi to me as she passed. What a cute woman, and how wonderful  she volunteers to cheer people up with her music. Another one of those Angels !!


I'm ready for my 2nd appointment, I notice I have labs and want to get the numbing cream on my PORT and mentally prepare myself for stepping off of the elevator onto the 3rd floor, breast clinic, and chemo lab. I don't want to smell it today, I don't want to see the people waiting, and I don't want to sit in those all too familiar reclining chairs---WAIT looking at my itinerary I see that they have scheduled me for labs on the lower level, I have never been there before. I go check it out, I step off the elevator...no smell, lots of people, and they called me back quickly with no reclining chairs, this time the blood is coming out of my arm instead of my PORT?? The lady had to stick me several times to get a good vein, I was upset because I know my veins are iffy .... this is why I have a PORT, so I won't have to get my veins collapsed. When I left there I felt as if I had been given a tender mercy though, I didn't have to go to the 3rd floor at all today. My last appointment was on the concourse level.... yay no anxiety today, no smells, no anxiety, no smells, no anxiety do you see me dancing? I'm doing the dance right now, arms in the air, smile on the face. Thanks to my sweet Angel Trys for calling and walking me through part of Mayo today. I Love You.

Angels Among Us🚩

Today is Thanksgiving 2010. I have so much to be Thankful for, we all have so much to be Thankful for. As I prepared the meal, I could not stop thinking about Ray Williams/. Dad,/ Grandad/ We all loved him so much and Thanksgiving was a fun time with him, he loved to eat and enjoy his family. I always called him earlier in the week of Thanksgiving and would take his "PIE ORDER" he would always ask for Pecan, but loved anything I made, in fact he would take a sliver of each PIE and try them all, oh how his eyes would light up. This year we have so much food left over, I wish he was here to take some home with him like he always did. I love him and think of him often, always with a smile on his face, a pass along card in his pocket, and a hug for anyone and everyone, what I would give for one of his hugs today.

I believe there ARE angels among us, some who touch our lives by their example of strength, compassion and FAITH, some who have already passed on and frequent our lives with their spirit every once in awhile.

Tamy was an angel who took me to every one of my chemo appointments then back the next day for my "day after shot of neulasta" I will eternally be grateful for her example of compassion and serivce. Eric is my eternal angel, he has saved me more times than I can mention. The angels who brought dinner to my family for months and months will never know how much that meant to me, those angels are still helping us out. The silent angels who serve are the ones who amaze me, how is it that our lives can be blessed by those who choose to be invisible? It's that feeling of service I want my children to understand. I have angels who leave me messages of HOPE with cards, letters and comments on my blog. I can't help but think that all of the angels that touch our lives are not random, they are placed in our path by the Lord for a reason, it's up to us to recognize it and be in tune enough to feel it. It makes me wonder how many times I have NOT been in tune, been caught up in too many worldly "things" and not acknowledged the many other angels who have tried to embrace me.

Some angels are strangers to us, you know the lady who smiles at you on a day when you really really needed it, some of the most influential angels in my life I have never even met, yet I know the connection is eternal. Opening up my circle of comfort and allowing others to bless my life with what they know has not been as difficult as I thought it would be, my life is richly blessed. Hopefully in my life time I can give back and be an angel to someone in need.

Even With No Hair

Even with no hair, he loved me ♥

This was my hair just a few months before diagnosis


A year ago this week I started my 1st round of chemo therapy. I don't look back on that with fondness, but I am so grateful for the people in my life who love me and helped me through it. It's amazing what one year can do, the top picture was taken in December last year, and now I have some hair, in fact I have enough hair to shampoo .... I even have enough hair to blow in the wind, and now Recker can pull my hair, never thought I would be grateful for that.

Doctor Peter Kreymerman is the BEST🚩

from left to right ♥ Dr. George Lawson ♥ The beautiful Heather Lucas ♥ ME and ♥Dr. PK♥ are they cute or what?


Boy going to the Mayo is an all day adventure, I had 3 appointments today. I hated going into the infusion wing today. the smell disgusts me, but I was very proud of myself I did not have a panic attack today. When I walked in there were 4 people getting infusions, chemo or something else it made me sad to see them there with no-one but nurses, I remember when I 1st met Dr. Northfelt he told me how lucky I was to have Tamy go with me to my chemo appointments. It made me want to go up to each one of those people today and hug them or sit with them, my heart broke watching each of them. I am so grateful to Tamy for not only being so sweet and patient with me but I still can't believe the time that she took out of her day every other week for months to pick me up and drive me to chemo, I have to say we usually had all the nurses laughing though, never a dull moment with Tamy.

OK so I got to see my favorite doctor of all time today, Dr. Peter Kreymerman.... I love him....but before I talk about him I want to introduce you to Dr. George Lawson (aka Doogie Houser) I blogged last week about going to see Dr. PK but I did not post it and kept it as a draft for my personal journal. The reason is because Dr. Kreymerman and his wife had their baby and I didn't know if he would appreciate me posting pictures of his new baby with her name birthday and weight. I will say she is one of the most beautiful baby girls I have EVER seen. So this is what happened, last week I was sitting for a lot longer than usual waiting for Dr. PK to come in, but instead this other cute Doctor walked in, he looked like he was 12 years old, he introduced himself as
Dr. Lawson, and explained about the baby being born and Dr. Pk was not in the office, then he wanted to examine me .... remember I am thinking this kid can't be more than 12 years old well maybe 21, and he wants to look at my boobs? He was actually very professional and I liked him, just weird not having PK there.

So today, I'm waiting for Doctor Kreymerman to come in... the door opens and it's Doogie Houser again, he is really cute, I got brave and finally asked him how old he was... all I will say is that he is not 12 or 21. I love all these young doctors who take time with their patients, I know if I needed to talk to Doctor Kreymerman I could take the time I needed and he would never make me feel rushed, this is part of what makes him such a great Doctor I hope he never changes that part of who he is. I can tell that Doctor George Lawson is going to be a great doctor too, how could he not working with Dr. Peter Kreymerman?

Doctor Kreymerman came in to visit and examine me ..... no doctor that I have ever had in my lifetime is like Dr. Kreymerman. I am going to miss him when he leaves for his fellowship in Atlanta, and when I am no longer his patient. He is a daddy now, and just as any proud daddy should he pulled out the pictures, oh my gosh I couldn't stop looking at her she is absolutely beautiful, so is his wife though. Not that PK isn't cute and all but his wife and baby are gorgeous, he is a very lucky man, and I love that he acknowledges the beauty of his wife and daughter.

I will be having another surgery on Dec 9th, I love my dates with Dr. Peter Kreymerman have I told you that he is my favorite doctor? ha ha And today he went even higher on my list of awesomeness..... he told me I could take the BRA off .... just another reason to love a doctor ...one that tells you "you don't ever need to wear a BRA again" you gotta love that

I was a NORMAL woman today

I never thought this day would come, I need a haircut, or style or something. I get asked all the time if I am going to let it grow out as long as it was before ........ my answer is always "Yes" I love long hair, but people are constantly telling me I should keep it short.... they're probably right I'm getting too old to have long hair, however, putting OLD AGE aside It's a control thing with me, I want to show the VILLAIN who's boss. I love the curls my hair has now, all my life I wanted curly hair, but it was straight as a board, someone told me the other day she always had curly hair and wanted straight hair.... we are never happy are we? ha ha
I have not had a hair appointment with Kara for almost a year now, and I hate to say it but the last hair appointment I had with her was full of tears, this appointment will be a rejoicing of sorts... This appointment was fun, we visited like always, laughed like always, and solved all the world problems like always..... No tears today .... I can't do much with my hair yet, but it felt good to sit in her chair again, I felt like a normal busy woman just stopping in for a hair trim and highlight.

Hip Pain

This week my hips are really in pain, it hurts to walk up and down the stairs at my house. I don't like taking the pain medicine because it makes me feel like I am giving in to it.
Also this week I have been receiving emails from the American Cancer Society, the last email that came asked me if I was ready to purchase a wig, or look at their catalogue for hats and beanies..... WHAT? Been there done that, there should be some kind of filter that lets A.C.S know we are done with chemo and moving on with our lives. I am having a bit of a bad attitude this past week, can you tell? I really don't mind getting the emails, but when I opened the TLC catalogue it brought back a wave of emotions and memories, Tamy and I looked at that catalogue a year ago and I considered purchasing some hats from them, but decided against it. Then when I did decide to purchase one I got a prescription from my oncologist and bought one at a store close to the Mayo Clinic. BTW I never wore it, never, not even once, I think my kids and all their friends have more fun wearing that wig, even Recker wore it one day.

Life Goes On

For a couple of weeks now I have been experiencing HOT FLASHES, seriously? It's so annoying, at first I thought it was just because our house was warm and I needed to turn the air down, that's not it. I think I could be living in an Igloo in a snow storm and the flashes would still come. Doctor Northfelt said that the chemo sometimes throws women into menopause, or it kills your ovaries temporarily and makes your body think you are in menopause, then all of a sudden a few months down the road they start producing estrogen again. Chemo does some strange things to bodies, both of my big toes went black after I finished chemo, I was talking to some other women and they all said they experienced the same thing. Insomnia is another side effect to chemo and radiation, I have a hard time sleeping, well actually I have a hard time staying asleep my mind wonders. The skin around the 6 areas they radiated is so dry and red, also I am still experiencing fatigue and exhaustion. I'm not complaining I really just want to journal everything that is happening so I will never forget. Speaking of forgetting, I was in my spinning class the other day and realized that there is not a minute of the day that goes by that I don't think about the VILLAIN, I'm hoping that I never forget but that I will be able to function eventually without it consuming my every thought. It's a scary thing, probably one of the scariest health diagnosis a women could get. Until my diagnosis I never thought about the VILLAIN, I was more worried about Eric and his health, always thinking that I need to eat healthy and exercise so if something happens to him I will be here for my kids. I never, ever imagined the VILLAIN would be a part of my life. Now when I think about it, I think why not me? One in 8 women will receive the same diagnosis that I did. Life goes on, every life is important and the experiences we have in life is what makes us who we are.

Ditch the Hats

I remember saying once (long before I knew I had the VILLAIN) "I would never wear a wig if I ever got cancer" After my diagnosis knowing that soon chemo would start and I would lose my hair, I talked with Eric about it. He really wanted me to get a wig, so off to the wig store I went (after all the insurance company was paying for it) This is the conversation between Eric and I
Eric: " I really think you should get a wig"
Me: "No way, why?"
Eric: " well I think it would be fun to have a brunette or redhead for a wife, and think about how much fun we could have walking through the mall or at a restaurant, someone sees me with a redhead or brunette, instantly text messages you to let you know I am cheating on you"
Me: "ha ha, OK as fun as that sounds, 1st off I don't think brunettes or redheads are better than blonde's , and 2ND off if someone we knew saw you with another woman I doubt that their first inclination would be to text me, but I'm glad you think you could get caught so easily"
Eric: "I'm just kidding, you are the love of my life"
Me:"good answer, but I am not wearing a wig"

I did end up getting a wig $700.00 later, (totally covered by insurance) it has hung on a Styrofoam head in my room for 9 months now. It's kinda scary when you walk in the room and see it. Oh well, maybe someday I will put it on and wear it for Eric, however it is the same color of my original hair, so nothing exciting.
So I finally ditched the hats, I have to admit it was a little bit harder than I thought it would be. I think if I hear one more person say "at least you have the perfect shaped head" I'm going to throw up. I know, everyone know I look weird and funny right now but it's getting so hot and the hats make my head sweat. Going out in public without the protection of my hats is hard....but I'm getting used to all the stares I get ha ha
I know I'm scary looking to little children, it's kinda funny to see their reactions, they are staring so hard they run into things, and then I've heard a few say to their parents "mom, why is that lady bald?" a lot of adults pass me in the store with slight glances trying to act like nothing is wrong or different, as if to say "if I don't look at her then she doesn't exist" ha ha HELLO
I do exist and I do have feelings ..... I love the people who smile at me and say "you look beautiful" it means they recognize that I'm going through treatment. When people who come up and hug me and tell me they have been through it or someone they know has been through it I love it. It's comforting to me to have people ask what type of VILLAIN I have or how long I have been in treatment, it shows that they care and that they see me. My favorite is a lady who walked up to me and said
"did you do your hair like that on purpose?" I was so shocked I said back to her "why, does this shirt make me look bald?"
(I had on a relay for life shirt) ha ha all I can do is laugh, it is funny you know it is, its ok to laugh. I make fun of myself all the time, maybe its my way of coping but it does help.
I'm sad to say goodbye to all of my hats, but happy about the prospect of new hair and a new life. These pictures are for me to remember the hats that gave me some comfort on the days when I needed it to go out in public, my friend made all the rosettes for me I had so many to choose from everyday thanks Amy.

Chronic Neuropathy

Chronic neuropathic pain affects about 20% of woman who have breast cancer, and used TAXOL as chemo treatment. Guess who has it? It has been really difficult for me to sit down and blog, because my fingers are numb sometimes... from the neuropathy, and my legs, feet and back are in constant pain. I called the doctor today about it, I was advised that chronic neuropathy in breast cancer patients does not go away. However, I talked to someone who had it and she told me hers eventually went away. I am hopeful that the Lord will bless me just one more time and allow the pain to leave my body.
Many people have asked me how it feels, it is difficult to explain, my bones and muscles just ache 24/7. When it hurts the worst I cannot even walk without the pain penetrating my mind, body and soul. There has been so many times that I have been in a fetal position on my bed crying because of the pain, Eric rubs my legs, but the truth is I am not supposed to get my legs or back massaged because it can cause blood clots. Even when he rubs my legs it is only temporary relief, as soon as he stops, the pain begins so I guess that is not a solution either. I have been given pain medicine, they are narcotics and they do take the pain away however, I know I cannot be on those for the rest of my life. I try the natural oils and some other options but that does not help either. It truly is the worse pain I have had to endure on a long term basis, it is hard to deal with when I know it is not going away any time soon, I would love if the doctor would say "OK allow it a couple of weeks after chemo, then it will leave". I asked the doctor if I would be able to run again or exercise again, she said "most people are OK with just walking a little everyday" Well I wanted to say " I am not most people lady, so just watch what I can do."
I will run again someday, I will cycle again someday and I will do all the cardio and lifting weights again, this is just temporary and this pain just helps to remind me of how hard I need to still fight to get my body healthy again and be the athlete again that I was. It would be easy to give up and say that I will never be able to do those things again, but I will I know I will.

Last Day of Chemo

Today was my last chemo treatment....the significance of this milestone is overwhelming to me. I am not feeling well today, but I know I need to get my feelings down on my blog, because as it usually goes the week of chemo I get more sick as the days go on, and it makes it difficult for me to concentrate (mostly because of the drugs)
My day started with Tamy picking me up at 9am checking in at 9:40, we sat in the waiting area visiting with each other and having a spiritual talk that I will not soon forget, I love Tamy. I was explaining to her how much I feel UN prepared spiritually for this trial.
I am really so far from being done with this journey, as I look back on the past 6-7 months it is in some ways such a blur, and in some ways it has brought my eyes, and heart wide open. I have so much to be grateful for and I am looking forward to 6 months from now when I can say "I am cancer free"

I did not want to go to chemo, it is grueling and makes me so sick, but today I knew it would be my last and I was ready to conquer. It was a rainy day, and after hours of the chemo being pumped into me, the nurse came to say I was done, the chemo was done draining. Tamy looked out the window and said "look at the beautiful rainbow"
tears filled my eyes, because I knew it was the Lord giving me a sign, it was like the rainbow I saw with Haleigh in Hawaii, just 2 weeks before I found out I had the VILLAIN in me, except for one thing we could not see the end of the rainbow this time. The VILLAIN is still lingering over our house, but I am still here, trying to survive. I believe the end is in sight, but I have a little more work to do.
The nurses came in and celebrated with me, I cried as I hugged each one of them and Tamy. Now I have the month of March off, only 2 doctor appointments, they will do the mapping to get me ready for radiation in April. I am so looking forward to being with my family, we are going away from here for spring break and I am going to enjoy every minute of it.

Pain

The last 2 nights have been the most uncomfortable and painful nights of my life. My legs, back, arms and feet are throbbing, I feel like I can't get any relief. I have taken all the drugs prescribed to me and still nothing seems to help. My bones and muscles are in so much pain, it's difficult to describe. Have you ever over exercised your muscles and the next day they ache? I have too, but this is much worse. Eric held me in the fetal position and listened to me cry while telling him I don't want to do this anymore, I wish it was over, I said it so much he did not know how to respond, he rubbed my legs until I fell asleep. Thank goodness for him and Haleigh, they both rubbed and held me not knowing what to say. I love you

PINK OUT

Last night Highland Highschool had a basketball game. Haleigh is the President of ONE IMAGE dance team at Highland, she told me they were having a PInk Out for breast cancer. All the team players wore pink socks and a pink shirt to support the cause, there was also a silent auction and raffles to raise money. The ONE IMAGE dance team danced at half time and they all wore hot pink, I was so grateful that this was not a chemo week so that I could go. I loved it and I love watching Haleigh dance.

SEES Candy

Monday was chemo and I have been really sick and my bones, breasts, and muscles ache. No matter how much I wish it away or pray for it to not be, I awake every morning hoping this is a horrible dream and yet it is still part of my life I'm learning to embrace. Sometimes I reward myself with an extra long bubble bath, or a sweet treat, today while I was at the Mayo I bought a SEES candy bar with toffee chips, I was so ready and excited to bite into it, when I put it to my lips I was dreaming of the smooth taste of Chocolate, one that only SEES can offer. (I am not a big chocolate eater) I was instantly disappointed, not because SEES didn't deliver the finest of chocolate, but because the CHEMO delivered the nastiest of tastes. I sometimes forget that the CHEMO is doing it's job on my body, but on my taste buds I wish it would "give me a break" OH how I wanted that chocolate to taste remarkable, something I could rely on. Ha Ha probably a good idea it didn't I might be getting hand packed nuts and chews by the pound full if it worked.
Today I had an appointment in the cardiovascular department at Mayo. Lately I have had some heart palpitations, so just to be safe they hooked my heart up to a monitor that I have to wear for one month. Then next week I will go to the Mayo Hospital for and echo. The monitor will record any unusual heart beats and report them to my oncologist. I'm pretty sure it's just a weird reaction to some of the medicines I am taking, I think my heart is the strongest organ on my body. I am not looking forward to one month of monitoring. The echo will show any blockages in the arteries, and show actual pictures of my heart and arteries, so there are no surprises.