Mother's Day- Brave Nerium Friends

I was here in Mayo Hospital for Mother's day.  There may be some typo's as I try to write this is it is very painful, and wrting is hard.  Today, the kids came to see me, and i did get a lot of text messages, today I decided I am going to let my BRAVE come through so my kids can see a me they've never seen before, I tried I was trying so hard,  I even ate a  cupcake.  The kids brought me a necklace from sister Kara Kelly, she is always so generous and I am grateful for the necklace it says BRAVE on it. I am not feeling the BRAVE today--trying though--

My body is not reacting the way I want it to. I hate hospitals, I hate pain medicine, and I hate how my face looks--but  I love how my beautiful children and spouses look--they are so great--I have a great family and have so much to be happy about.  This makes me think of all my Nerium friends, they have stood by me, helped me through the good and bad and shown their FAITH in my healing possibility.
 Eric brought me the new Live Happy Magazine yestersday he knew I would want to see it.

Love these girls

Beautiful flowers

Ezra

Liz and Danny Nerium friends up for a visit

choose to live happy

my boys--Blake Eric and Brian

Bonus--2 cupcakes--I wish I could say I ate them--but they tasted good

Easter 2014

I'm a bit behind on blogging, so before I go into a blog about my last surgery, I want to post about the most important people in my life......my family.
This year was so fun on Easter, I was able to have all my children and grandchildren here for dinner.  I made these cute baskets for Recker and Ezra

These were so fun to put together for Ezra and Recker

We hid eggs (plastic) in the backyard, and they were not really hidden, the boys are too young to search, but boy did they have fun finding.

WE are so blessed to have these cutie pies come to our family.

Recker..took off running for the pool--no stopping him

Fun dinner outside--and on paper plates...

Jeremy ended up with his boys in the pool

Singing happy birthday to Haleigh

The biggest joy in my life is my children and grandchildren, I know my children get embarrassed by me, they get frustrated with me and they are sometimes disappointed by me--but I love each one of them for their individual talents and triumphs.  I wish I was the "perfect" mother, in fact I wish I knew a "perfect" mother so I could read her book and learn from her....does she exist?  I don't believe she does, I know I compare myself to other mothers who may have a better way of doing things, all I can do is be the best I can be today, and if I fail tomorrow I will try again.

Negotiations With the Lord

Are we allowed to negotiate with God?  I'm a little fearful of this question, but still want to know.  I remember being 14 years old and begging Heavenly Father during a prayer I was having to please get me out of this situation I was in, and I,  in return, would try my hardest to be good person.  HE DID.

I also pleaded with the Lord when I was diagnosed with cancer,  to please let me live long enough to see my son come home from his mission. HE DID.

Once Blake got home,  I asked again to please let me live long enough to see Haleigh find the love of her life and get married in the Temple, she's engaged to be married in March.

When Eric's mother was alive she told me that she was given a blessing when she was diagnosed with breast cancer,  all she asked was that she please be allowed to see her boys return from missions.  She went into a remission for approximately 14 years, when Kurt,  the youngest boy came home from his mission her cancer came back within a few months and she passed away.

It's been 3 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer, and 3 years since my 1st negotiations started.  I have a feeling negotiations are going to come to an end.  I promised my family I would make some decisions about moving forward with health issues after the Holidays, and the "Holidays" are coming and going too soon, I'm not ready. However, I did put it on my calendar to make an appointment with my pain doctor at Mayo Clinic --which means its on my calendar to call them, and I will.

I'm making some progress as we wind down this year, and start into 2013.  I have an appointment at the Mayo Clinic on Friday January 4th with my new endocrinologist Dr. Roust. I saw Dr. Magitbay (my gyno oncologist) a couple of weeks ago and he said things look good.  I know it's baby steps towards some answers, but I'm making them.  I also have some tests on the calendar--YAY--can you hear the sarcasm?  My family will be happy.

This time of year brings on a lot of emotions for me,  and has for years.  It used to be because I was not with my mom and sharing the holidays with her, knowing she would be alone, and that she chose to not soften her heart.  Now, I appreciate the Holidays, I love the spirit it brings into my heart.  3 years ago my friends and family put up all my Christmas decorations while I threw up and felt the pain of chemo raging through my body.  I don't think I have given enough attention or appreciation for what Eric and the rest of my family was going through at that time.

 I often times talk to the caregivers where I volunteer,  one common thread that I have noticed is that they feel helpless, often times feeling angry but not exactly knowing who to be angry with or why they are angry.  Recently I received an email from one of our patients caregivers, she wanted to know if it was "normal" to feel the anger she was feeling after the loss of her friend, she wanted to know what she could of done to better serve her friend.  There is no NORMAL to life when you are struck with a diagnosis of cancer.  I have learned from volunteering that more often then not people who are going through this journey, process it completely different than their caregivers.    I'm so grateful I have the opportunity to volunteer, so many people have said to me "why would you want to be around that environment, after all you've been through?" to those people I always smile and say "why wouldn't I?" I'm learning more about myself and my sweet husband (the caregiver) from volunteering then I would of ever learned anywhere else.  I am so thankful for Eric, he was the best caregiver I could of ever had during my treatments, and he continues to be strong and the best cheerleader for me as I visit Mayo Clinic.

So as I ask the question "are we allowed to negotiate with the Lord?" my conclusion is and always has been, we are not in control of our lives, we can make promises and I believe the Lord will keep his promises to us, but life happens, all around us are people who need our attention and need our love, we may not understand why some trials come into our lives, I sure don't,  but I do believe at least for me,  I have learned so much about myself these past few years, I don't want to go back there, however, the experience has softened my heart and helped me to be a more compassionate person, and if you know me well you know this is a great accomplishment for me.  

2013--bring it on--even with that number 13 I detest--

It's a wonderful life

Believe it or not I have never seen the movie "It's a wonderful life" my sister Sonya has always watched it every year and encourage me to do the same, but until this year I never took her up on that challenge.  We went to the Cinemark  movie theater in Tempe as a family to watch it on the big screen.    WOW, what a fantastic old movie, even in black and white I was mesmerized by the story and truly enjoyed it.

Sometimes, we all get down on ourselves and forget to recognize the good we do, even the little things can change a life.  I have often thought "what if, and should I have done this different, or why did I do that?"  I have not always believed that people come into our lives for a reason or that some of the trials or even joys we have in our lives are meant to be, they just happen.  I no longer believe this to be true, of course we have agency to choose good or bad choices, but they always come with a consequence. Agency is never FREE.  I have a feeling if any of us were to be in the same position as George (It's a wonderful Life) and we were given the opportunity to see what the world would of been like if we were never born, we would all be surprised at the little things we do on a daily basis that has changed someones life.  Our lives do matter not only to us and our families but to the everyday person we pass on the street or see in the store.  Maybe a smile or a simple "hello can I help you" would and could change a life.

Christmas Eve, we had all of our children and spouses over for dinner, the only instructions I gave them was to be prepared to share a story of Christmas or one of their most memorable Christmas's.  I opened by reading "The Christmas Train" by Thomas S. Monson. Then I shared a few of my favorite Christmas memories, one being from when I was a child, I remember my mother gave me a white Holy Bible with my name inscripted  on the front, I thought I was never going to stop smiling, I still have that Bible. One other story was about when Eric and I were dating, his mom bought me a gift but could not find where she had put it, she searched and searched and felt so badly thinking she had thrown it out with the garbage on accident.  I never cared about that gift, but I did care about that fact that I knew she loved me, she always showed me love and genuine compassion, to me that alone was worth more than anything she could of bought from a store.  The last story I told was when Blake was on his mission, that very 1st Christmas, I was going through my chemo treatments, oh how I missed him and honestly was not feeling well, not knowing if I would ever see him again made my heart hurt, but hearing his voice on Christmas day I think was the best Christmas gift I have ever been given.

Haleigh, my youngest daughter just got engaged a few days before Christmas to Scott Bigalow.  He told a story about his father dying when he was only 8 years old, before that time his dad was always the one who provided the mountain bikes and fun gifts for the boys, but the year he died was Christmas he said he would never forget.  They had no money and I'm sure his mom was  worried about how she would pay for food and utilities, in other words Christmas gifts were probably not on the top of the list of things to do.  One night his family was home and they heard noises outside, they all ran to see what was going on, it was Brad Wardrop hanging Christmas lights on their home.  He was a neighbor and close friend of the family. As tears ran down Scott's face I wondered if Brad even knew what an impact he had made on this kid.

Blake told stories from his mission, tears filled his eyes when he talked about those two Christmas's away from his home, but one in particular that really left a lasting impression on him. He said it was a Christmas he will never forget, the best Christmas he has ever had and surprisingly it had nothing to do with gifts he received, but service he was able to give.

My son in law Brian, never cries in 4 years Kaitlyn said she has only cried once, when his grandmother passed away.  I was impressed with his ability to see past all of the "fun" in Christmas. The 1st words out of his mouth were "my heart hurts tonight for all of the mothers and fathers who will have a hard time going to  sleep not knowing how they will provide a memorable Christmas for their children" I immediately put a blanket over my face as not to look at him while he cried, he could hardly speak, and I was weeping underneath my blanket, saying a prayer,  one for all of those families, and two telling Heavenly Father thank you for my family, we are truly blessed, I am blessed to have such wonderful son in laws and a beautiful daughter in law who also lost her mother in December of 2009.

They all shared stories and thoughts, by the end of the night there were no dry eyes, we made a family goal for 2013 said a family prayer and ate cheesecake.

I truly do have a wonderful life.

Cancer does not Discriminate

Eric and I drove down to our condo in Rocky Point a few days ago--I know it seems like we just got home from a vacation, however for the past 5 years we have spent the 4rh of July in Mexico.  None of our children were able to come, I really miss having them here with us.
We have not been down here for a couple of months, the kids have been down several times without us.  We were surprised how much has changed in just a few months, they now have some really nice paved roads keeping the dust down, a huge SAMS CLUB and a 6 theater movie cinema.  We had date night tonight and went to the movies, it was quite an experience.  The only movie playing in english was Spiderman IV, we said "what the heck, lets try it out"  much to our surprise it was the movie everyone else was going to see, it was a packed theater.  It's interesting watching a movie with Spanish subtitles, we were the only Americans in the jam packed theater.  There were a few times where people were laughing when they really should not of been, Eric and I wondered if the subtitles were wrong or if they just found things funny that we didn't.  The 3D glasses were the best glasses I have ever worn, not the cheap paper ones, these were very sturdy and nice.  One other thing that I thought was really disgusting, but I will mention that Mr. Eric thought was fantastic, instead of butter and cheese sprinkles for your popcorn they have a salsa condiment counter, we saw people putting layers of jalapeno's in their popcorn and then drenching it with either red or green salsa--I asked Eric to not get any ideas--he had the biggest smile on his face, if you know him he loves this kind of stuff, but he complied and just went with the plain ole popcorn.  No more than 5 minutes after we took our seats some people decided to step around us and sit next to us spilling our popcorn all over the floor, Eric went back and they gave him a new bucket, of course his new bucket had jalapeno's and red salsa--me? not a fan, Eric?  he loved it but said it was kinda weird after the lights went down when he would grab a handful and along with the popcorn was something wet (the jalapeno's and salsa)  YUCK---
After the movie was over we walked out to take some pictures of the lobby, the people here are so proud and excited for this new adventure in their town.  I noticed a family, the husband had on a black shirt with a huge pink breast cancer ribbon on the front, I walked up to him and attempted to have a conversation, attempted is the important word here, I speak no Spanish.  From what I gathered he did a breast cancer walk in Mexico, not for his wife but for a family friend, I thanked him for his support and showed him my pink :LIVE FREE: bracelet and he asked me if I was dealing with cancer I nodded and he understood, gave me a hug and said clear as spanglish can be "God Bless You"  As we walked away I looked at Eric and said, I never thought about the fact that Cancer does not discriminate--what a great, fun night I had with my sweetie.

Rocky Point Now Has A Movie Theater

POPCORN with your choice of jalapenos and red or green salsa

best 3D glasses ever made

Eric and his popcorn with jalapenos and red salsa

This is the lobby / concession area very clean and nice

My new friends--breast cancer awareness walkers

Valentine's Day 2012

This Rose was from Shane Urban ♥

My famous sugar cookies

Look how precious this is

The Necklace

I woke up this morning to balloons and rose's covering our kitchen counter...thank you Eric.  He was so sweet to give all the girls and myself a rose in a vase, with a personalized card, mylar balloon and Hershey candy bar.  In my Anthropology bag was this beautiful necklace--good job Eric I love it.

Welcome 2012

This is the time of year we look back and respect,  have respect for TIME, where we've been and where we want to be.  I do anyway--I have so much to learn and so many ways I need to improve--I need to have these evaluations, they help me to search within myself and find the Monya I want to be, not the Monya the world expects me to be.

In 2011 I learned it's OK to admit when I'm scared, I learned this from my daughter Kayla, when she explained to me how odd I acted when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Any person who has had a serious illness can understand what I am about to say--and to the rest I hope you can respect it.  The  experience can be very lonely, it can strip you of your dignity, emotionally drain you and leave you feeling depressed and loaded with anxiety--I'm not sure why this happens but it is normal, I was NORMAL.  However, I will say this.... the more you are surrounded with family and people who love you, I mean really, really love you the more connected you feel, the more you want to fight.  Even if you have to give up your lifestyle from "before cancer" as a patient you need to feel like you are part of the CLUB-the club where all the living are--it helps to hear  and see lives moving forward and progressing--I guess what I'm trying to say is I get scared but I don't let fear rule my life.

In 2011 my son Blake taught me, he taught me I can do hard things..we all can accomplish hard things.  I think I thought my battle with cancer ended when I finished chemo and radiation, actually that was only the beginning, it was a huge hurdle to get over and I seriously thought I had won.  The headaches, the back and hip pain, nausea, insomnia, injections, viles of blood taken, procedures, scans and all the other physical pains are just minor battles, I have learned to devote what strength I have to the most important things of life, having meaningful relationships with my family, my husband, children and those who care. Journaling feelings, thoughts and desires are important for my family and heritage to read after I am gone.  My son is an incredible example to me of someone who knows the importance of these things, he lived without a hug from his mom for 2 years, he devoted all he could to the people of the Dominican Republic he conquered and returned with honor, I am grateful for all he has taught me.
This past year I learned to laugh, the importance of it. Laughter is a life pleasure, I love to see Recker laugh, especially when all his teeth show, I can't help but laugh too.  No matter what is happening in life, there are still plenty of reasons to laugh,  I hope I never let a time pass when given the opportunity to laugh, don't let those times pass--reach out and grab them, laugh with all your heart.
I spent New Year's Eve and day with Recker, Kayla, Jeremy, Blake and Chloe, kind of a last minute decision we are in Mexico. I am grateful today for a new year, new goals and the opportunity to learn from what I have experienced.  It's exciting to look ahead, not knowing what this new year will bring.  I am dedicated to a new year of learning, giving and sharing--I want to make a difference in the life of someone this year--

Christmas 2011

Is there anything better than children at Christmas?  I have so enjoyed Recker this year, he has the cutest personality, and a smile that will warm any heart.  Recker has picked at our Christmas tree and decorations until they look a little scarce in some spots and I love it.  He brings a special spirit into our home.

 There are times when I wish I could just jump inside his little brain and see what he is thinking.  Autism, though sad in so many ways can also be very interesting. I've noticed that Recker is trying so hard to communicate with us, he knows a couple of words in sign. Kayla and Jeremy have taken him off of gluten and dairy, it seems to really make a difference in his moods and behavior.  In my kitchen I have a candy jar with gluten free suckers,  many times we will walk in the kitchen to find him staring up at the jar signing the word "PLEASE" how cute is he?  He loves to watch Disney movies and sometimes will start laughing so hard we can't help but rewind over and over again to capture those moments.  If there was only one wish I could have for this new year it would be to hear my darling grandson talk, maybe just say mom or dad those are easy right?  I love to watch him as he plays alone, he babbles in a language only he understands, recently I was playing with him in my bedroom and needed to go downstairs for something as soon as I walked out of the room he ran after me grabbed my hand and brought me back into the bedroom, my eyes filled with tears, he is trying so hard to communicate.

Recker loves cardboard boxes, loves to play in them, and on them.  I bought him a cardboard castle, Haleigh Brownlee and I painted and decorated it (mostly Haleigh, she is the talented artist)  He loved it, we also bought him a little motorcycle, what a smile he had on his face as it raced across the wood floors in my home.  This has been a wonderful Christmas season with our family.

Thanksgiving 2011

I love this little guy with all my heart. Happy Thanksgiving Recker

Today I'm thankful for so many things, mostly family.  I have truly been blessed with an incredible family that I love so much.  I woke up this morning with  Turkey smell throughout the house, we have a tradition of putting the turkey in the oven the night before because we eat around noon on Thanksgiving.  I made chocolate, coconut, banana and pumpkin pies, mashed potatoes, gravy, and 2 jello salads.  Raylani's family came over, they are so good about pitching in and bringing food.  Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I love the fall weather and the feeling I get when I'm with family.  This year Blake was here with us, I honestly never thought this day would come, I have missed him so much.  2 days ago I had to meet him in the Walmart parking lot to trade cars with him, when I pulled into the parking lot and saw him sitting in the car waiting for me, I got a huge smile on my face then told him how grateful I am that he is home with us.  It is seriously a luxury to have all my children in town, be able to hug and love on them everyday.  I hope I never take that for granted, family is the most important part of my life.

Halloween

Recker was dressed as a Lumber Jack this year-- he is so cute, still holding tight to buzz.  He fell asleep before he had a chance to go trick-or-treating.  I tried to get him to take a nap all day but he was not interested.  I love this little guy.

✭Celebrating our Freedom God Bless the USA ✮

My cute Hales and I

✭Kayla and I✭

✭Me and Kaitlyn✭

✭Recker, Jeremy and Kayla Roussel✭

✭Eric getting a little crazy in the streets of Mexico✭

✭Chasen and Eric Dancing✭

✭chasen, michael, shelby madison halcomb✭

✭Sand on my towel-thanks Reck✭

✭Recker loves Mango✭

✭Me and Hales✭

✭Recker loves the Ocean and Laffy Taffy✭

✭Recker fell asleep in the Pool with Eric✭

✭Brian and Kaitlyn✭

✭Greg and Lindsey Smart✭

The past few years we have celebrated the 4th of July down in Mexico ✭ Probably seems kinda strange to be celebrating an American Holiday in another country, but we absolutely love it  and it's always a huge celebration ✭ The Halcombs are good friends of ours,  they too like to celebrate in Mexico so we always have a big bar b que with them, play volleyball, soccer, and of coarse the homerun derby ✭ by the way Teresa and I tied for 1st place this year ✭ those youngsters have nothing on us old women.  This year we had 13 people in our condo--Kayla, Jeremy, Recker, Skyler, Jessica, Kaitlyn, Brian, Lindsey, Greg, Haleigh and Emily ✭ Eric and I too ✭