Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What is Devastation?

I ran into a friend who I have not seen in a very long time, she did not know I had been diagnosed with the VILLAIN and asked me about my short hair, since I have always had pretty long hair she was surprised! We had a nice visit, but one of the things she said to me has really stayed in my head for a few days now. She said to me "HOW DEVASTATING" in reference to my cancer. My immediate response was "no, not devastating, life changing maybe, but not devastating"
So this poses the question to me "what would be my devastation?"
What would it take to make an occurrence in my life be a devastation? When I think back on my life and some of the trials I have had to endure, I realize none of them but one has truly been devastating. That is knowing my mother only lives an hour away and she wants nothing to do with me or my sisters, I have gone through bouts of major sadness and emptiness knowing she does not want to mend and repair, that she does not want to move forward. There were times when I truly thought I could not get up in the morning, knowing that it would be another day without some resolution, its been 18 and 1/2 years now, so much time has passed, so much of life has happened and all without the luxury of being able to pick up the phone and call my mama for some advice, or a recipe. It makes me sad when I hear people talking badly about their grandmothers, I wanted my children to have a grandma, someone to bake cookies for and with, someone to hold hands with at the zoo, someone they could be proud of, but instead they were left with nothing, no memories, no history, nothing but emptiness, they don't know what it's like to have a grandmother. Eric's mom (best mom and person I have ever known) died of breast cancer before any of my children were born.
It gave me a chance to think about the word DEVASTATION and I realized it means different things to different people. I always thought if I were to get a life threatening disease like cancer it would be devastating, but I think what I was afraid of was having to change my life enough to be ready for death. So for me the only devastating part of dying from cancer would be if I died without the knowledge that I will be with my family again. If I died without my children knowing how much I love them, if Eric never knew how I adore him, and if none of them knew that I have a testimony of the Gospel. I know if we all live our lives in a way that our Heavenly Father would be proud of, if we serve one another as HE did and do our best everyday to be more like HIM death is not devastating. Knowledge of this gives me HOPE and also gives me power to overcome FEAR.


Tracey said...

Thank you Monya.... This i just what I needed to read this morning!

Anonymous said...

I love what you have said about Devestating. I have been told by many, "if you were given a choice between your own trials and those trials of another, you would always choose your own". Over my lifetime I have tested that theory and although I would never wish my trials on anyone, I do always seem to find others trials more 'Devestating' than my own, and there for, choose my own. For some reason, the devestation of ones own trial, is removed and replaced with strength, dertermination and FAITH, by a super-human capacity we never knew we had. The tender mercies of our Heavenly Father.
Monya, you have such courage and such a wonderful support system--your belief system also bouy's you up. I have been impressed and continue to be impressed with your strength/faith. Keep posting! I love reading your wise insight!
Love to you all

Anonymous said...

I understand.

My mother, who is only 20 minutes away, wants a relationship with only one of her 4 children and only one of her 5 grandchildren.

It is unthinkable and perplexing to most people, isn't it?
"Devastation" would be if we had created the same life for ourselves, our children, and grandchildren.

Carla said...

I love your insights Monya. You are a strength to so many people. Carla