Happy Halloween

Recker is so in love with Mickey Mouse


For as long as I can remember Halloween has been fun in our home, and we have always had an open invitation to the Schaubs house. Kelly and I went to High school together, she lives a few doors down and Eric and I go to their house every Halloween for Indian Fry bread and to pass out the candy to the neighborhood children. Tonight was no exception, we had a great time, then we headed over to Kenny and Theresa Halcomb's house they had a open pit fire in the front yard and we all sat around it telling jokes, and stories, the laughing was therapeutic.

Breast Cancer Pumpkin

This cute pumpkin was made by ANDREW HOM. He is 12 years old and his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer at the beginning of this year. She contacted me through my blog, decided to also use the Mayo Clinic, same doctors that I did. I think that children absorb more than we think they do. Andrew was not asked or coaxed to design his pumpkin this way, he just did it. I love it Andrew and thank you Jodi for emailing me the picture, love that he used the bracelet I sent to you.

Dr. Peter Kreymerman and the BRA

I've been sitting here thinking for over an hour now, why, why, why I seriously dislike bras. I'm trying to figure out if there is anything in comparison that a man could relate to...... Dr. Peter Kreymerman told me I had to wear a sports bra 24/7 forever.....well not really forever, just until he says not to. I want to say to him "how would you like to wear something that confines you 24/7 ?" There is nothing about bras that I like, except if I see woman like Haleigh and I saw today coming out of Costa Vida who seriously needed to be wearing one, it was so scary Haleigh and I both looked at each other in total disgust, yes, on those rare occasions I think a bra is necessary, however, I truly wish they would of never been created. To be honest with you I have not worn a bra in over a year, when I had the expansions there was no reason to wear one..... ahhh talk about FREEDOM...that was the only benefit of having the VILLAIN in my life and I loved it. HEAVEN ON EARTH IS BEING BRA FREE.

As a teenager, I remember learning that in the 1960's women were burning bras to become liberated, I always thought that was weird until now, I want to have a bra burning party.... anyone up for it? I will not be seeing Dr. Kreymerman for a couple of weeks and I plan on telling him my despise of the bra and that its time to get rid of it. To top it all off, my husband listened to everything Dr.PK told me to do and not to do, and he is on Dr. Kreymermans side, Eric is constantly telling me to make sure I am wearing that boob buster 24/7. This is how the conversation goes....

Me: "I'm not wearing that thing today"
Eric: "you heard what Dr. Kreymerman said"
Me: "are you going to make me do everything he says, word for word?"
Eric: "yes, he is your favorite Doctor for a reason, do what he says"
Me: "seriously? who's side are you on?"
Eric: as he's walking out the door "24/7. you know the rules, I love you"

If you've never had to wear a bra to sleep in, try it, yes I say try it tonight then let me know how you like it. I've been wearing a bra 24/7 (with the exception of showers) for 2 weeks now..... it is so uncomfortable and just for an added bonus the seams hit me right where my stitches are, so I'm constantly touching my boob or moving the bra,... pretty sure people are going to think I'm some kind of weirdo. I cannot wait to see Dr. Peter Kreymerman, the bra better be coming off.

What is Devastation?

I ran into a friend who I have not seen in a very long time, she did not know I had been diagnosed with the VILLAIN and asked me about my short hair, since I have always had pretty long hair she was surprised! We had a nice visit, but one of the things she said to me has really stayed in my head for a few days now. She said to me "HOW DEVASTATING" in reference to my cancer. My immediate response was "no, not devastating, life changing maybe, but not devastating"
So this poses the question to me "what would be my devastation?"
What would it take to make an occurrence in my life be a devastation? When I think back on my life and some of the trials I have had to endure, I realize none of them but one has truly been devastating. That is knowing my mother only lives an hour away and she wants nothing to do with me or my sisters, I have gone through bouts of major sadness and emptiness knowing she does not want to mend and repair, that she does not want to move forward. There were times when I truly thought I could not get up in the morning, knowing that it would be another day without some resolution, its been 18 and 1/2 years now, so much time has passed, so much of life has happened and all without the luxury of being able to pick up the phone and call my mama for some advice, or a recipe. It makes me sad when I hear people talking badly about their grandmothers, I wanted my children to have a grandma, someone to bake cookies for and with, someone to hold hands with at the zoo, someone they could be proud of, but instead they were left with nothing, no memories, no history, nothing but emptiness, they don't know what it's like to have a grandmother. Eric's mom (best mom and person I have ever known) died of breast cancer before any of my children were born.
It gave me a chance to think about the word DEVASTATION and I realized it means different things to different people. I always thought if I were to get a life threatening disease like cancer it would be devastating, but I think what I was afraid of was having to change my life enough to be ready for death. So for me the only devastating part of dying from cancer would be if I died without the knowledge that I will be with my family again. If I died without my children knowing how much I love them, if Eric never knew how I adore him, and if none of them knew that I have a testimony of the Gospel. I know if we all live our lives in a way that our Heavenly Father would be proud of, if we serve one another as HE did and do our best everyday to be more like HIM death is not devastating. Knowledge of this gives me HOPE and also gives me power to overcome FEAR.

Visit with Dr.Kreymerman Kaitlyn & Brian Visit

I saw Dr. Peter Kreymerman on Friday, he said everything looks good, I still cannot pick up Recker until I see PK again in a couple of weeks. I am getting my strength back, and I am not depressed anymore whoo hoo, jump up and shout, do a little dance for me. It really helped me to be able to get out of the house and to spend some time with my girls this weekend. Kaitlyn and Brian are in town so I got to spend it with ALL the family. I seriously have the hardest time seeing my grandson and not being able to pick him up, and I'm not sure he understands why his BONBON is being so mean and not picking him up. ☹

Have I mentioned how much I love my son-in-laws ? Both of them are incredible. Jeremy is such a good husband and father and really works hard at school and work...Eric and I love him for his sensitivity and compassion too.

Brian, is extremely talented in sports, everything he does he does perfect. Last night he had a snowboarding competition at SKI PRO in Mesa and took 3rd place, plus got 1st place for best trick. I thought he should of gotten at least 2nd place he was much better than the guy who won 2nd, but still we are so proud of him, he too goes to school full time and works full time, at this time in their lives it is busy, we wish we could see them more it helps me working for USAIR so they can fly back and forth.

It;s Sunday and I have not been feeling good today, the head aches are back, Mr. HOTFLASH was in charge today, and my hips hurt like HELL---sorry if I offend anyone with that last one but it is what it is.

I remember when PINK was just a color

This month being National Breast Cancer Awareness month has made me think a lot, especially about the PINK color. I remember when PINK was just a color, now it means so much more to me. I have to admit I have never really given the breast cancer PINK ribbon much thought, or donated money, or even let it penetrate my mind like it has this past year.

Every time I see a PINK ribbon I think about my 3 daughters, when they were little, I LOVED to do their hair, I tied it back or braided it and always finished it off with a ribbon bow, although the ribbon may not have always been PINK still the ribbons of October remind me of those days. Yes, those innocent days when I had no cares in the world, when the only thing I worried about was what was for dinner and if the clothes were washed. During those days our home was filled with PINK ribbons, PINK PJ's, PINK bikes, PINK,,PINK...PINK for my sweet girls, who I adored and still do. Yeah, that was when I thought PINK was just a color, a color that divided the boys from the girls.

This year as I attended the Breast Cancer Awareness race in Salt Lake City with my family, I thought about when racing and running for me were just for fun, when I didn't think about running for a cure, but was running without a care now it means so much more, we're racing time now hoping for a cure, holding tight to the thought that our children will not have to endure this terrible VILLAIN we like to sugar coat and call breast cancer. I was in a sea of PINK shirts that day, some honoring their grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunts and friends who have survived the VILLAIN or who lost the battle, and too many women, way too many women like me who looked scared and lost as they wondered what the future will hold for them. On that day in May 2010, PINK took on a whole new meaning when I stood with thousands of survivors wearing our PINK matching shirts, with tears running down my cheeks, my bald head exposed all I could see looking into a crown of people was my family, with eyes focused on my girls and husband at that very moment PINK was no longer a color, but more like a new best friend.

I hope that PINK will become a color again, that the VILLAIN will lose the battle for all women when a cure is found, that for every race, walk and run we get closer to eliminating, and that with those races we all win.

Diep Flap vs. Expansions with Nipple Sparing

A little over a year a go Dr. PK (peter kreymerman) met with me in his office to discuss my options for reconstruction on my breasts. I remember him taking a marker and drawing a design of each option on the tissue paper that patents usually sit on in a surgeons office, I was amazed then and I still am at the knowledge and talent of Dr. Kreymerman.
At that time my mind was so full of un-surities and lack of knowledge I really did not care what he did, I just wanted the VILLAIN out of my body....who cares what boobs look like right? Some have asked me what the difference in the options I was given are, I am going to try to explain it to you, but remember I chose the expander's so to really give a comparison on the recovery would not be fair of me.

DIEP flap, is a procedure that is actually very popular among surgeons and their patients. A DIEP Flap procedure uses fat and skin from the lower abdomen, but does not require removal of any muscle. When Dr. PK drew that picture on the tissue, my mind was checking out, are you kidding me? Not only was I thinking about getting the cancer out of my body, now I was looking at another scar as a constant reminder on my abdomen?

Then he explained the expander's, A tissue expander is a temporary device that is placed on the chest wall deep into the pictorials major muscle. This may be done immediately following the mastectomy, or as a delayed procedure. The purpose of the expander is to create a soft pocket to contain the permanent implant. Dr. Kreymerman put my expander's in at the same time of my mastectomy, then over several months I would visit him every other week and he stuck a needle into the port of the expander and filled it with usually around 50cc of saline per breast, this part was painful for me, I think because I was also going through chemo at the same time, so I had expansions one week then chemo the next, I remember feeling really sick one week then really sore the next. Dr. Kreymerman is also only one in a few who can do nipple sparing for mastectomy patients who qualify, I'm not sure all the qualifications but I know I qualified and this is how Dr. Kreymerman became my "nipple repairman"

The 2nd part of the expansion surgery is what I just had on Thursday, expansions out and implants in, again as I have stated before, be careful what you say "you would never do" I used to say I would never get implants...mostly because I already had big boobs and I hate big boobs... I am amazed at how soft my boobs are now, they were as hard as a rock a week ago and now they feel normal. I am still in some pain from the incisions but the pain I am feeling now is temporary and is nothing like the pain I have been feeling for over a year now.

From what I have experienced and from what I have read, expander's with nipple sparing will give you a totally normal looking breast, but the pain you will have to endure will be worth it if you are looking for a normal looking breast. With the diep flap, I am not sure they can do nipple sparing, (you will need to get a tattoo) no long term pain in your breast, but you do get a tummy tuck out of it all. Either way you decide to go there is going to be pain and there is going to be scaring.

Patience

Today is 5 days post op, I told Kayla this morning I should be feeling better, "why do I feel so depressed and nauseated?" She said "mom, you just had surgery on Thursday, give yourself a break."
Every time I eat something I feel like throwing up, every time I stand up I feel like throwing up, when I rest and lie down I'm depressed. So many memories of when I finished chemo and went through a terrible depression keep coming back to me, that was such a low time for me and I don't want to go back there. I had this panic this morning, I did not want Eric to go to work. I asked him if he could take me for a ride tonight, I just need to get out of this house for some fresh air.
I need to read my scriptures tonight and find some relief. It's a strange thing to feel so grateful to be alive, to be so grateful for Dr. Kreymerman and other doctors at Mayo who have literally made my journey bearable and at the same time be so sad.

I'm learning that Patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry, or frustrated.
It's having the ability to do God's will and accept HIS timing. I think people who are patient have the ability to hold up under pressure and are able to face adversity calmly and with HOPE, with all that being said you can see that I have a lot to work on.

A quote that I will read today over and over is

"Life is full of difficulties, some minor and others of a more serious nature,
There seems to be an unending supply of challenges for one and all. Our
problem is that we often expect instantaneous solutions to such challenges,
forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required."
-President Thomas S. Monson-

Successful date in the OR with Dr. Kreymerman

I had a very successful date with Dr. Kreymerman on Thursday in his OR, and I just want to give an update. Tamy, Eric and I got to the Mayo Hospital around 1:00 pm. Floods of memories came back to me as I stepped on the elevator on to the 2nd floor waiting area. Although I don't remember this, Eric later told me I had a horrible panic attack in that waiting area, and today I was afraid of that happening again. The sitting and waiting is the hardest part for me, Tamy tried all her tactics on me, but I was not focused today and my mind was wondering, I paced and paced until they finally called me back. When Dr. Kreymerman came in to see me before surgery and to take out his purple marking pen, I was so happy to see him and felt like my fears kind of subsided. He has a way of making his patients feel comforted and secure, well he does for me anyway...... I am blessed to have such a greatly talented and compassionate doctor, I cannot imagine a better fit for my personality than Dr. PK.

The nurses were ready to wheel me back to the OR, 1st kisses and hugs from Eric, my favorite man of all time. He loves me and we've been through so much together, it's nice to know that through it all he's still here, he knows everything about me and still he loves me..... and Tamy, my dear friend Tamy has been with me through this all with no judgement only love .... thank you, thank you for your sweet smile and happy thoughts.

I had to spend the night and all next day in the hospital....seriously ???? I have a problem with my plumbing after surgeries, I cannot go PEE .... Dr. Kreymerman came over to visit with Eric and I, he's a funny guy, he loves his wife and is so excited for the new baby to come, there is a special spirit that comes into a family when you bring a a new baby home and I have a feeling the Kreymerman's are about to be blessed with that special someone.

Since coming home from the hospital I am still in pain, but the rocks that used to fill the holes where boobs were supposed to be are gone, they are soft now, I still have to wear that ugly post surgical bra 24 hours a day, you remember the one I blinged out last year? I was lucky enough to get a new one put on after this surgery....whoo hoo It's amazing the pain from the rocks is gone, the only pain I am feeling now is from the incisions where Dr. Peter Kreymerman did his magic. I have also been extrememly naustious the last couple of days I don't quite feel like doing a celebratory dance but soon, really soon who wants to come watch?

♥ from Mayo Hospital

Blogging from my Hospital room sending lots of hugs and kisses....surgery was successful and I will hopefully be able to go home today or tomorrow. I will blog more about my date with Dr. Kreymerman later when I am not loopy, who knows what I'll say so for now .....xoxo

Dear Cancer

I am on my way to the MAYO Hospital....I want to leave you with this challenge...write a letter to CANCER, really telll him what you think, everyone knows someone who has been effected, CANCER kills and hurts families. For every letter written and POSTED $50 will be donated to the American Cancer Society up to a maxium of $100,000.

Click here to get started

Learn, Grow and Teach Others

It's 3:40 am, I have not been able to sleep tonight, my mind is wandering all over the place, not allowed to eat or drink anything until after my surgery today and actually that would be no big deal except that I don't have to be at Mayo Hospital for check in until 1"o"clock this afternoon. I'm not exactly sure what time my date with Dr. Kreymerman starts in the OR.... sure hope he doesn't stand me up again this time.... ha ha This migraine headache of mine is holding on like a a new puppy to it's mothers nip. Wholly Toledo, it won't go away, I;m sure the pain in my hips is still there but this past few days I have been taking so much migraine medicine it has helped it to subside a little....just a small blessing I like to call a Tender Mercy.

I receive emails constantly from women who are dealing with cancer and who have been searching the web for information and come across my blog or who have been given my blog as a suggestion from one of their friends. I always read them and respond, and have become quite close with a lot of these women, never physically met any of them but one, but still the same I love them all. This past week as I was journaling on the BLOG, probably complaining about something ha ha ha I also received and email from a woman who lives in another state (most of them do) she is going through her chemo treatments right now, and was asking me some questions about when I went through it, I answered her questions based on my experience and waited to hear back, a few days later I heard back and this is her story:

SINCE THIS TIME I HAVE FOUND OUT THIS STORY OF TRYSTAN WAS A LIE KEEP THIS IN MIND AS YOU READ ANYTHING FROM HERE ON ABOUT HER ON MY BLOG. WE WERE ABLE TO HAVE HER PUT IN JAIL WHEN WE FOUND OUT SHE WAS WANTED BY THE POLICE. THIS WAS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE FOR ME, I'M TOO TRUSTING AND WAS VERY VULNERABLE--SHE TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT--DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU-  TODAY IS SEPTEMBER 5TH 2015 AS I UPDATE THIS.

I was in a car accident 5 years ago and lost my two year old daughter, two weeks after that my husband commits suicide, meanwhile I'm in the hospital for 5 months and Walton Rehab for 6 and don't have a clue about anything until two months after the fact - anyway, I've been though A LOT - but what I'm trying to get at is I have PTSD and that with the anxiety is insane!
I live alone, but my brother and his wife and my 14 month old niece and nephew have been staying with me for about three months, they're both retired and are suppose to live in Utah, but it's so nice being able to have them here. I don't think I could do this by myself. My thoughts and prayers will be with you on Tuesday while you go through surgery, I am having chemo on Wednesday, my God Bless us both

I also ran into a friend who I have not spoked with for quite a long time last week, she asked me about my treatments and how I was doing and then told me that she reads my blog and enjoys it. How sweet, I am always amazed when I hear that people actually read what I have to say, because to me its really not that interesting, but maybe one day when My kids decide to read it they will enjoy it too....I can always dream right? Most children think that what the mom has to say, they've already heard it or they are boring...but when I'm dead and gone someday (in like 80 years) I hope they will learn from something I written.
Anyway....that was not what I wanted to say .... duh! Ok so as I spoke with this friend she told me about the struggles her family has been going through. One of her sons lefft on a mission in Dec 2008 (which means he will be home in 2 months) soon after he left one of her other sons was diagnosed with Lou Garricks disease (not sure of spelling) at the time he was a Mesa Police Officer with a wife and 4 children, since then he has had another child. The diagnosis came with the bad news that he would probably only live for 1-1/2 to 2 years. He is now confined to a wheelchair, and only speaks at a whisper. Tears came to my eyes as she talked about him blessing his newest child, she layed on his lap on a pillow on his wheelchair, and whispered the words of the blessing he desired for his child to have. The prayer for that family is that he will make it until December, what a sweet reunion it will be when her son returns from his earthly mission maybe just in time to see his older brother begin his eternal mission. I was amazed at her strength, and wondered how much strength I could have knowing one of my children was going to die, knowing as a mother you have mended scrapes and cuts, kissed away a boo boo, changed diapers, bathed, fed and hugged that child, taught them right from wrong, watched them struggle through the teen years, supported them on missions or other decisions they chose, college, marriage and grandchildren.....it goes on and on. I have said it before and I will say it again, "it's not how you start the race that really matters, it's how you finish it" we can do hard things, and my friend and her family are doing hard things right now, but the truth of the matter is LIFE CAN BE HARD, it's what you choose to do with the trial that will either break your spirit or make it stronger---Learn, Grow, and Teach Others May the Lord Bless and Watch over you and your family right now ♥
The Lesson for me this week as I ponder now about both of these stories, the Lord put these 2 women in my life this week for a reason, if my surgery would of not been cancelled on Tuesday I would of never read the 1st email for at least a week and I needed to hear that story, I needed to be reminded, life is hard and we all need those hard things in our lives to help us grow stronger, to help us be better people, what a teachable moment I had with both of these women, thank you so much.

Today as I deal with my anxiety before going on my date with Dr Kreymerman, I will take my own advice and say to myself
"you can do hard things" I am going into surgery clinging to a picture of my sweet grandson, with a prayer in heart "please Heavenly Father, help me be strong, so I can learn, grow and teach others

Surgery Changed to Thursday Oct. 14th

'the woman who actually made the mistake at Mayo Clinic coding my insurance company, called me today to give a formal apology the more I thought about it, I am grateful for her phone call today, sometimes it's difficult to say your sorry and admit you made a mistake, I told her that she was only human and we all make mistakes, but that I did not want Dr. Kreymerman bumping someone or changing some one's surgery time because of what has happened to me, that is not fair to those patients, and if they feel the anxiety that I do I would never want them to go through that, I just asked him to please add me on the end of a day when he can fit me in and I was told that day will be this Thursday....just not sure of the time yet, sometime in the afternoon.

I had a good friend put this into perspective for me, Heavenly Father has been in charge from the beginning of my journey and he still is, although the anxiety I have been feeling is not really getting easier there was a reason this happened the way that it did and I will be prepared on Thursday, I really am ready to say good- rid dens to the ex panders, you know the ones that have caused bruising on my grandsons head every time he bonks them with his head, totally ready to say good-bye to the tightening that I constantly feel, and the rock solid boobs have got to go , it;s time.

So tonight as I try to get some sleep, I thank my Heavenly Father for this day that I wouldn't of been able to spend with Haleigh but because of the cancellation I spent some quality time with her and Kayla and Recker. I thank HIM for my family who always shows me un-conditonal love, I love the feeling of truly surrendering to the LORD, and I know again he will be with me during my surgery and after. HIS love never seizes to amaze me, how could that love be enough to help everyone of HIS children? I love each one of my children but know that throughout their lives I will not be able to be there for them through everything, not like the LORD can, so I hope that my kiddos have also learned to rely on HIM too, to give it to HIM and let HIM carry you on the days your mama or anyone else can't....HE ALWAYS can and will carry you.

This is what happens when you have front loading washing machines.....ha ha Recker having fun

Surgery Cancelled

I've had horrible anxiety and a migraine that won't go away since Friday when I met with Dr. Kreymerman.... not because of him everyone who knows me, knows I am totally confident in him, and that I think he can do no wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it, maybe I am worried about the recovery, maybe I'm afraid of the possible side effects who knows all I know is it's really worrying me. This was my time line today:

7:30 am wake up with anxiety and figure out a way to get my mind to Paris on a bike in the woods

8:30 Recker and Kayla come over....ahh I get to play with my favorite guy in the world

9:30 clean out the freezer.... it's been awhile

10:30 clean up Recker mess, he got into a bag of flour and spread it all over the kitchen, and I loved watching every second of it

11:30 phone call from Mayo Hospital confirming my surgery tomorrow, and getting all my important info hang up and go to Paris....in my head....again

12:30 lunch and watch Recker take a nap...there is nothing like watching a baby sleep

2:30 Phone call from Michelle at Dr. Kreymerman's office, "please be at the hospital at 5:30 am, nothing to eat or drink after midnight, if no-one is at the check in desk then proceed up to the 2nd floor and check in"

3:45 someone else from Dr. Kreymerman's office calls to tell me they made a mistake with my insurance .
."we are so sorry, but we entered your information wrong, as a 42 year old medicare patient, the insurance company declined it then when we called them back we were on hold forever, then disconnected and now their office is closed".

Me: "no problem, people make mistakes I understand, now what do we do?"
Office: "we will try and get them to approve by tomorrow then call you back to re-schedule"

4:00 anxiety attack.....going to Paris....WOW 3 times in Paris today, how lucky am I?

4:30 Dr. Kreymerman calls me "hello this is Peter Kreymerman, Dr. Kreymerman.... I am sorry for what has happened, I know this messes up your schedule especially when you plan for it" we talked for a few minutes about what happened and my anxiety problems. He is so sweet and kind, and made me feel a little better about my surgery. He also said his wife loved the baby things I made them, and said thank you again.

Dr. Kreymerman said he was not sure that Mayo would be able to get this taken care of my tomorrow, but if they are someone will call me and perhaps surgery will take place on Thursday, if not then as soon as they get this straightened out we will schedule another date for surgery.

So my surgery has been cancelled for tomorrow, but I am grateful for a doctor who took the time to call me and calm my nerves just a little.

I ♥ Distractions

Recker gave me a great distraction on the day before my surgery....he found a bag of flour and decided to rip into it..I ♥ this!!!

More Warm Fuzzies

Another "warm fuzzy" thank you to whoever dropped this off, I have been wearing it everyday.


Another "warm fuzzy" landed on my front doorstep yesterday. THANK YOU ♥ THANK YOU. I wish I could give you a big hug, the flowers made my day, night and next day.

Dr. Peter Kreymerman is My Favorite Doctor ..... EVER

I visited with Dr. Peter Kreymerman yesterday. I always look forward to seeing him, Tamy thinks I have a crush on him... WHAT? Excuse me.... but I am a married woman and he is also a very happily married man.... ha ha ha
He is my favorite doctor EVER.... why you say? Well there are too many reasons to list but just a few

1. he is kind, and compassionate
2. he makes me laugh
3. I try to make him laugh
4. he is so excited to become a dad (next month)
5. he;s been with me from the beginning of my journey
6. he listens to me and shows concern for my feelings
7. I love that he's ok with letting me call him the "nipple repairman"

I remember when I was getting my expanders filled Dr. Kreymerman brought such pain to my breasts, I wanted to kick him, to this day my breasts ache everyday, but I don't want to kick him anymore, I want to kick the VILLAIN in the behind end. When he knew the expanders were going to hurt he showed compassion and genuine concern for me. I know he makes everyone of his patients feel that way, he was meant to be a doctor. Ok enough, about my LOVE for Dr. Peter Kreymerman. I am having reconstruction surgery with him on Tuesday October 12th.

I gave him the onsies, blanket and burp rags I made on one of the nights I had insomnia. He said "wait, you made all these?" I said "yeah, you're not the only one who can stitch beautiful things with your hands" ha ha ha not sure if he caught that or not.
I asked him if he knew what the burp rags were, he said "Um... is it a puke thing for a baby?" seriously ??? he may be a doctor but he is still a man..... Eric and I have had 4 children together and a grandson, and I'm not sure if he would know what those were either. I wish I had pictures, I had my camera, but I didn't want to take a picture with him while I was in my robe and I could tell he was busy, Heather (his PA) is in Maui so he's on his own. He said "let's get a picture of you when you're in recovery" funny, real funny.

Ginger Molasses Cookies

I did not mention buy one get one free, and I did not share with anyone hee hee♡ it will take me a few days to eat 2 though

Pink breast cancer ribbon, sugar cookies .....

I love this month, October in Arizona always is the start of our cooler weather, pumpkin patches, hunting for the perfect costume, holiday decorations and baking....oh how I love to bake. Jessica Roussel bought me this cute breast cancer cookie cutter, so it would be rude not to use it right? I made my famous sugar cookies.. ask my kids and all their friends...these cookies are famous at our house, they love, love love when I make them, and from the mouth of my daughter "i've waited a long time for you to make these" from the words of her friends "come to mama" not really it just sounds good.... ha ha

I will see Dr. Kreymerman this morning for my pre-op appointment you all know I love Dr. PK and he has been such a huge part of my life this past year, so today is the day I take him some breast cancer sugar cookies, and the baby gifts I made for him and his wife and new baby coming in November. More about that later....

I want you to know I showed great resistance and did not eat one sugar cookie, I didn't even taste the dough or lick my fingers when the frosting took over..... I know, how impressive right???? Well not really, another reason why I love the month of October is that Paradise Bakery always has their seasonal ginger molasses cookies, I have been waiting, and waiting and yesterday I indulged. If you've never had one, don't start because you will not be able to put them down, well maybe you could start out slow, maybe try a chipper. My son will be asking me to send him these any week now, they are his favorite and I am not sure how many I sent him last year ... I will say that the people at Paradise Bakery would say everytime I walked in "hello Monya, how many ginger molasses cookies would you like today?" Oh my, that is bad.....really, really bad.

The Bottom Line Is...Time Heals

Someone asked me a couple of days ago, "when are you going to get over this cancer thing and move on...?" They went on to tell me that they were tired of looking at my blog and reading about the VILLAIN and the effects it has had on me... also that they have known other women who have gone through the same thing I have and they are doing fine....blah blah blah....I instantly tuned out once I heard this person say that... I felt as if they were acting like I had the flu or a winter cold.
I am not sure how to react to this... sooooo this is what I did.... I called Tamy and cried like a baby. After seriously thinking about the words of this person and taking the advice of my dear eternal sister Tamy, I decided to answer a couple of those questions now since I was so dumb-founded at the time I didn't know how to respond.....

✔ when I am I going to get over this? ........ probably never, and to be quite honest I hope I never forget what I've learned and continue to learn. I am moving on, I have no choice ....my life goes on, however... this IS MY LIFE, and I think about it all the time. I will not apologize for that, it is what it is. I wish I had a BLOG to write on when My brother died, it would of helped me heal a lot faster, I love my BLOG, it's real and again it's part of my life right now.

✔ so, you know someone who has had BC and is living and thriving in their life? ....... I am so happy for them, this is my dream too but for now I am living with a lot of pain, and I choose to BLOG about it so I can never forget and so that my family can understand and have a record of my REAL LIFE. One thing I have learned is that you can never compare your VILLAIN journey with someone else who has gone through it, everyone's journey is different. Depending on the stage of BC the experience could and probably will be completely different. Example: I know people who have had stage 4 cancer and have come out of it with no side effects and are living and thriving, and then I have also met women this past year who have died with stage 2 BC. I only know what my body tells me, and what my doctors tell me, these things are REAL and cannot be denied. The reality in my life RIGHT NOW is that I will probably never run that marathon I have always dreamed of, I will live with pain for many years to come, but I am also very grateful to be alive.

The bottom line is, time heals, I know it does and I look forward to it. Believe me when I say I don't want this VILLAIN to be a part of my life, I wish I could wake up and have it be a bad nightmare, I wish I was the woman who didn't get every side effect possible, I wish my oncologist would look me in the eye and say "its over, your cancer free" I can wish, wish, wish all I want the truth is THIS IS MY LIFE AND I AM HUMAN, I have feelings and I record them, if you don't want to hear it don't tune in.

I will continue to rely on the Lord for my strength, and I also realize that NO-ONE else but HIM can understand the fear, the pain or the anxiety I feel.

I ♥ the Rain

I have things to be grateful for today..... the weather I ♥ it. I was lying on the sofa this afternoon with my favorite little guy, just watching him sleep makes me so happy.... he truly is the best therapy I have ever had..... ok back to the weather... the thunder woke him up and he sat straight up with the cutest look on his face like "what the....heck was that?" I picked him up opened up the back door and together we watched the rain fall hard in my backyard. Watching the look on his face was priceless, I wish I would of had a camera available, I will always have that memory in my head. Recker is such a happy baby and finds such joy in little things... like rain, thunder and lightening, I will take that moment with me to the hospital next week, and I always have Paris.

Tonight as I was emailing Blake, it started to hail hard, Eric ran down the stairs like a little boy on Christmas morning. He opened up the back door and I got to enjoy his delight as he watched the hail fill up our backyard.He started throwing the Hail at me, He was so happy, just like Recker was today, I think there is something for me to learn here.... maybe just be happy for the little things in life, and for me in Gilbert Arizona when the 1st rain comes in and cools it off .....well for me it is the beginning of long sleeves, boots, and good weather for months to come. Thanks for the reminder, love and enjoy even the simplest things in life.

Cruisin' with the Family

Ok I have been lazy on the blogging, well actually I have been on a cruise with my family.... and when I say family I mean everyone, Kayla, Jeremy, Recker ♥, Kaitlyn, Brian, Haleigh, Eric and I. Everyone except for Blake, and I missed having him with us. I look forward to the day when he comes home and can be with us on these trips, it's just not the same, I felt like I had forgotten something. Eric planned this trip along time ago and I felt guilty knowing we would not have Blake with us, while we were in the Caribbean I thought about him so much knowing how close we were to him. I did get to email him last Tuesday, the internet service was not the best so being without a computer and keeping in contact with the world was weird, but honestly I didn't miss it much.

Just an update ..... I am not physically able to do the things I could do even a month ago. I told Eric I am so grateful we were able to go on the trip to Paris when we did, if it were any other time either before or after the time that we did I would not have been physically able to endure the long days we had. Cruises are relaxing, but I really wanted to do the things I would of normally enjoyed doing, hiking, snorkeling, running on the track or exercising on the ship, my hips hurt so badly some days I can hardly walk, and now going up and down my stairs at my house is becoming a painful chore. I really don't want to take pain medicine, I have tried to endure the pain without it but I think its time to talk to my oncologist. I have tried some natural approaches but nothing is working. I loved the time that I could spend with my family, but I don't think they really understand I am not physically able to be the mom they used to know. It's hard to even admit, in my mind I am still the Monya that loves to do everything FULL OUT to take my body to the maximum and not look back, but again that's the Monya in my head, it's not realistic and I'm sad about that. I told myself I would not give in to this VILLAIN and I feel like I've done really well so far, it's the VILLAINS evil stepsisters (the side effects) that are taking me down now and I am feeling a little defeated. When I think about all the things I still want to do in this life I know I will have to rely fully on the Lord more now than ever before. I feel so alone sometimes, when I am faltering I turn to HIM I can feel HIS strength and Love for me, I am turning to him now and hoping he will still listen and take me by the hand and help me up... again. One week from tomorrow I will be having surgery and I have so much anxiety about it, I need and injection of FAITH this week. I wonder if I will ever be on my feet again?