Wednesday, April 27, 2011


Tonight Brian and Kaitlyn invited me to come along with them while they played Tennis at Highland High, I put on my running shoes and decided I would try to walk a lap or two while they played tennis.   Knowing full well that my hip would probably not allow me to even walk one lap without being in too much pain, I ventured out with headphones on Mindy Gledhill. What an overwhelming flood of emotions I felt as I stepped onto the running track.  I was thinking about and comparing this moment to an artist with a brand new clean canvas, not exactly knowing what the finished product will be, I too am not quite sure what I can accomplish tonight however, I have to take the first step and pray it will turn out to be a success.
 There were 4 woman walking together and enjoying each other's company when they passed me up, I said to myself "Oh Heck No... they are not going to pass me" so I stepped up my pace,  the 1st lap I cried like a baby, I did it, I walked an entire lap and had virtually no pain. Going into the 2nd lap I looked up into the stands and remembered a year ago sitting on those benches, bald as a cue ball, but proud as I watched my baby girl graduate from High school. It's amazing what  we can learn about ourselves in just one year, and how much has changed.  I can honestly say I would not change anything, my life is where I want it to be right now.  When I think about the times I have begged and plead with the Lord to please let me have peace in my soul,  to let me accept whatever plan HE has for me, I get tears in my eyes, and tonight as I was walking all of these thoughts were going through my head, before I knew it I was finishing 4 laps (one mile) this 4th lap as I crossed the line I not only had tears rolling down my cheeks I had the biggest smile on my face.  With my thoughts all over the place I had finished a mile and not even realized it, I was not going to stop now, this is the best therapy I could have given myself tonight.  I watched a younger man doing sprints, if I'm completely honest with myself .... I was jealous, I love sprints.  This makes me think about cancer again, it's not a sprint, it has definitely been a marathon,  one that I hope to finish with dignity, hopefully I can teach my children something from what I have learned.  I wonder, do they know how much I love them? Do they understand that it is never OK to give up?  There were times in my life when I felt like I was in a drought  feeling completely defeated, needing something or someone to fill my cup , and HE always came for me, picked me up and held me HE actually changed my life forever. I am totally aware that I just finished 8 laps (2 miles)... are you kidding me right now? 
All about your Heart by Mindy Gledhill came on the IPOD, perfect timing as she sang the words 
"Oh I've loved you from the start, in every single way, and more each passing day, you are brighter than the stars, believe me when I say, it's not about your scars, it's all about your heart"  
I smiled big, knowing my Heavenly Father loves me just like that,  no scars, physical, mental or spiritual will ever keep HIM from loving me.  How privileged I am to have this knowledge.  I suddenly get this surge of energy and decided to run, my legs were actually picking up pace and I was running.  This track makes me feel at home, it feels right and comfortable, this is a place where I can think clearly.  I have not felt this free in so long, I am kicking cancer butt and it feels good, still I know there is so much more to learn so much more I want to accomplish in my life, and I owe so much to the Lord for seeing me through the toughest times of my life, it's time for me to give it back, time to move forward finally I feel like I can be true to myself,  all the baggage is gone, service to others is constantly on my mind as I finish RUNNING the 10th lap.  I was thinking about all the hats I wore during chemo and after as my hair began to grow back, I cleaned them all out of my closet tonight and wondered what to do with them, I have a few ideas, honestly those hats represent so much more than I can explain in words, today has been emotional and finishing 12 laps (3 miles) I raised my hands in the air as if I was crossing the finish line in a great victory, all by myself I celebrated with tears of joy.  I'm pretty sure tomorrow I will have some regrets but for now I am so happy, oh and one more thought, my boobs did not hurt when I ran, that might sound a little weird but 2 years ago when I ran they were too big and they hurt,  thank you 
Dr. Kreymerman... ha ha ha  I came to the conclusion tonight that I am an ATHLETE, it is my passion and that has not changed.  I am so grateful for this time I had tonight alone in my thoughts, happy for what I accomplished not only on the track but for realizing it's OK to shed a tear or two for seeing where  my life has been, what I've learned and where I want it to go.