Boyton, she or her sister have been styling my hair for over 15 years. Kara Ellingson, Jenny's sister cut my hair the 1st time, while I was going through chemo treatment. It was a tearful difficult thing to do.
Today there were no tears, I'm grateful for the knowledge I have that my hair does not define who I am, where I am going and who I want to be.
And what about those dang scars, well they each have a story, and with those scars they give me a constant reminder of the road I have traveled, I'm moving forward. I wish I could get my smile back, and maybe I will, Dr. Haberkamp said possibly 30% which is much better than 0%. Miracles happen everyday, and with a positive mental attitude, continuing to tell my lip to smile, or my eyebrow to move everyday it'll happen. I told that today to a random person who was asking me about my scar, her response was "I'm sorry dear, but I work with doctors all the time and if your doctor told you 30% improvement he was not wanting to hurt your feelings" I felt like saying "You mean he didn't want to hurt me like you just did?" Instead I handed her one of my Live Happy Magazines and said good-bye. She was a coo coo, as Jeff Olson says.
Taking chances and staying strong and positive is what get me through days and helps me to embrace that day as one day closer to healing and not necessarily a physical healing, but I'm talking more about an inner healing of my soul and being happy with who I am. I will endure 3 more surgeries within the year--something that most of you who read my blog know I said I will never do again. Each time, I think "what if it does work this time, what example am I being to my children and grandchildren if I just give up? It's like giving up on them" Tonight I snuggled with Recker on my bed, every once in a while he would want to take a look at my scars on my ear, neck and head but the ones he loves to stare at are the ones on my ankle where they took the nerves to replace the dead one in my face. I love to watch him when he does this, I always wonder what is he thinking?
I've learned that the life I had planned for myself may not be exactly what I expected, but I feel blessed that I have learned from this journey. There have been times when I didn't want to get up and go, I had so much pain and fear of taking those steps forward. I have sleepless nights, where I pray He will just take it all away, but He never does. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm a hard head and need to learn even more, or I haven't been listening, I mean listening with my heart not my ears....although sometimes that happens too. ha ha
So my smile is crooked and may never heal much more than it has.....let's just say that is true.....I am still extremely blessed with a happy life, a life that sometimes I don't understand but I would not change it for one dang minute. My love for my family, for friends old and new have brought me finally to a place where I believe in myself, I believe in my self worth, I will not fall, or fail in a world that is so weak at times, I feel like I have to be strong. We are living in a world with so many people who
"will not, or say I can't" and what I mean by that is that they don't take chances, they never stand up for what they believe in, they give up when things get tough. (I call them the followers) but if I can find those who want to stand up in this world of weakness, I will not change my values or attitude, chin up--Surrounding myself with those same types of people together we can make incredible changes in the world--it can be done. I am one of those people who has a responsibility to help others realize their potential for happiness, no matter what the circumstances. This does not mean I will not have days when I am sad, or down, those are natural feelings we all have them. If you have never experienced pain, how do you know what it feels like to be truly happy?
I have mentally prepared myself for what is to come, the doctors have fully explained it all to me and made sure I understood, and I do. None of this has to do with living a happy life, I take the opportunities everyday to spend alone time, read from good positive books, then I go out and put it to action. I was so upset in the beginning, but have learned like I've said before, everything happens for a reason, and anything I have ever started has been hard in the beginning with each passing day I learn to listen with my heart, take the hard days allow myself to cry because I know that pain is so deep it will not be going away in one day. I have learned how to deal with those days....during those stormy days, that's when it happens, when you least expect it, when you feel like it is never going to end, but then the clouds part, and the rainbows appear. I know when that happens it's OK because He has arrived to take it all away, His love slips through the darkness and I grab on hard to it as I walk with Him into the light, and realize tomorrow is a new day.....you are never a failure, I know for me I just have to remember I do have infinite worth, and start over the next day. Touch those scars, and remember where I've been and the legacy I'm trying to leave for my posterity.