Sunday, January 22, 2012

Porche or Pinto

The past couple of days have been rough, not a lot of sleep, insomnia is kicking me in the behind.  It's the worst feeling to be up all night, staring at the ceiling, knowing in just a couple hours I have to get up and go to work.   Part of the reason for this besides the obvious hormonal, cancer crap, is I just realized that Us Airways has changed our insurance carriers, and I may not be able to go to Mayo Clinic anymore--when I opened the envelope and read it, I literally wanted to throw up, I felt sick.  Eric had just got home from work when I was reading the mail, I asked Blake to please go get him, when he came down stairs I asked him to read it too, he read it, and read it and then read it again, the next couple of hours I tried to find out some information but of course the offices are closed until Monday--I was watching Recker he was a great distraction, he and I jumped on the trampoline together, I had to keep saying to myself "it's OK, whatever happens, you can't control this, so just go with whatever happens"  yeah right, this means no more Dr. Northfelt, Dr. Magtibay, Dr. Freeman, Dr. Kreymerman,  MaryAnn Forrett,,  and all the wonderful people who have touched my life and been with me from the beginning of my journey. I could not get my mind off of it, I watched a movie with Recker on my bed, he makes me laugh and takes everything away just for a little bit--I loved that time with him, as soon as he fell asleep on my chest, I laid him next to me and just stared at him--he is so perfect, so untouched by the worries of the world.
Needless to say Eric and I were up all night worrying about this insurance thing, I went down stairs and laid on the sofa, it wasn't long before he was sitting next to me.  I love Eric, he looked at me and said "no matter what I want you to be at Mayo Clinic with your doctors, I will make it happen"  I told him it's not fair, it's not  that I think Mayo Clinic is superior to any other facility, it's just that those are MY people, they  are the ones who I cried with, the doctors I love and who I feel love me and know me.  I will never share with any other  doctors what I shared with Dr. Kreymerman and Dr. Magtibay they know a part of my life that I have never shared with anyone else, except Eric.  I was so upset I looked at Eric and said "it's like driving a Porche and then all of sudden being told you have to drive a Pinto, but you are going to have to pay more for it.  He looked at me and responded "yes sweetheart, but you still have a car"