Monday, June 2, 2014

Just Dream--Just Breathe

I'm uncovering some strength I've never felt before.  My fears are finally subsiding, and I'm allowing myself to feel vulnerable--Today I boarded a flight at 5:25 am to face either a storm, or a tender mercy.

Yesterday, I pleaded with friends and family to join united in prayer and fast for some relief, some answers to come clearly and quickly.  The spirit has a way of sneaking in and penetrating my heart at times when I am not expecting it.  I could not help but have the peaceful feeling of our Heavenly Father watching over me and listening to every prayer, I know through Him I will be able to endure, I am strong and I believe I would not be true to myself if I did anything else but face this storm and still be standing as it passes.  For the first time in 5 months I am allowing myself to breathe again, to dream again.  I realize this is my journey, my life, my story and I am still writing.  I wish I could go to each and every person who prayed and prays for me daily--this is what I would say to you--HE LISTENS AND HE ANSWERS PRAYERS--I LOVE YOU FOR  JOINING IN OUR FAMILY PRAYERS.

 It's been so hard to stay strong, this is a feeling I have not felt in such a long time.  Even when I was diagnosis with the VILLAIN I felt more in control than I do now.  So many times I have tried to bury my fears, thinking if no one could see my vulnerability I wouldn't have to feel it, if I just ran from it.  However, those shadows followed me to where I am now.

Today I've decided it's not about the race, or how fast I can go, it's about finding out what's inside of me, finding out who I can become--taking chances and staying strong.  Tomorrow I have a chance to see a great doctor, I'm takin' this opportunity with the attitude "I deserve this, I deserve to know if there is any other options for me"  I'm not one to want to hurt feelings or make any of my doctors think that I believe that they are anything but great for my prognosis.  However, I was recently told by a great friend who is a physician also, he said  "You always say you want to live with NO REGRETS, do you believe this will be a regret if you don't take it?" I knew the answer before he finished the sentence..."yes, I would regret it" "besides" he said "any doctor who is upset because you decide to get a 2nd opinion, or 20th opinion does not deserve to be your doctor"  I'm not sure if I agree with that last portion, I have been so blessed to have the BEST team of doctors on my side, cheering for me all along the way.  I love my doctors at Mayo Clinic, but when one tells me that my face will not change, and it will be this way for the rest of my life, I'm thinking I have a lot of years left in me, and I have to believe with all the modern technology there has to be a doctor out there who can help, that doctor may not be at the Mayo Clinic in Arizona, or even at the Cleveland Clinic, but I know myself well enough to know if I don't take this chance I will regret it.  It's time for me to start dreaming and breathing again, I feel this fire inside me that needs to be ignited---but I'm not sure how to get it fired up again--I believe this trip to Cleveland Clinic is a good decision--now on to the next step--Meeting 'Doctor Right'

So I am looking at tomorrow as a gift and I am going to embrace it, I have no fear going into this appointment tomorrow.  Every step I take, and every storm I endure makes me stronger.  It's time for me to spread my wings and start flying--I know I was not sent to this earth to hide behind every corner afraid to face my fears, I was meant to embrace the future, and teach others how to do the same.  I trust the plan my Heavenly Fatter has for me and know His arms are around me, He will give me the calm I need for tomorrow.  On the nights like this when I am trying to sleep and can't, I turn it over to the Lord and ask Him to take this burden once more from my shoulders and allow me to sleep, allow me to rise in the morning, grateful to Him, and say "All I have is yours, all I have is because of your grace and tenderness you have shown me through out my life"  Now, I will sleep, but not before I say a prayer thanking my Heavenly Father for all the blessings He has bestowed upon me in my lifetime, helping me to see the love and faith of friends and family.


Michelle said...

WE are praying for you every day Monya!:)

Coplen's said...

Love you Monya! Praying for you. You are a modern day Pioneer woman with more strength and faith than anyone I know.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you as you visit my beautiful home state of Ohio. I am grateful that you have the inclination and resources to do this. Your faith is inspiring, Monya.