Tuesday, December 28, 2010

VulnerabilityšŸš©

I had my appointment this morning with Dr. Paul Magtibay.  I was nervous going into the Mayo this morning, but not nervous about  seeing Dr. Paul Magtibay.  I sat with Dr. Paul Magtibay and explained to him some of my fears, I told him that last week I prayed about him, that same night as I was doing some research on him I    found a video that brought tears to my eyes, he was explaining to the people that 1st and foremost his family, wife and children come first in his life, then his patients and practice are a close 2nd.  I explained to him today, how moved I was by those words he spoke, after hearing the sincerity in his voice nothing else really mattered to me, I had my answer.  I knew I could research and find out his credentials and even find out from other Doctors including Dr. Peter Kreymerman who had nothing but great things to say about Dr. M,  what a great doctor he is, but it was more important for me to know what kind of MAN he is, as many know hysterectomy has not been on my list of priority and without explaining why, I will just say I have some personal fears, immobilizing fears that I have never explained to a doctor before but felt comfortable enough to talk to him today about it.  He listened with intent and was very comforting and assuring.
We looked at my ultra sound results, he said my ovaries look good and clear of masses or cancer for now, he then explained that I have some options to find out more about the Uterine cancer, but ultimately even with trying out the other options they would not be a solution.  I asked him what his suggestion was, he said he would advice a HYSTERECTOMY .... duh I knew that was coming.  Please, please if you are reading this, do not send me an email saying this will be the best thing I ever did, my fears for not having a hysterectomy have nothing to do with the actual surgery or recovery, it is very personal and I choose to not blog or talk about it.  I do not want to offend anyone, I just have some deep emotional fears and scars that have nothing to do with the ACTUAL Hysterectomy,  and when I receive those emails it makes it worse for me, I sure love all of you for your prayers and concerns but my situation is a bit different than the normal woman getting a hysterectomy.   I do look forward to not bleeding or having those horrible cramps though.   My surgery is on the schedule for next Friday January 7th, I will stay in the hospital then be down a few weeks.  My anxiety level for this particular surgery is extremely HIGH, so please tread softly with me, I really need your prayers. 
After my appointment at Mayo I met Haleigh for lunch, when I got up to re-fill my water cup there was woman sitting next to the cups with her son, she said to him "look at that ladies hair" I looked over to see that they were talking about me, the mother turned her head away when she knew I realized she was talking about me, then the son just laughed, the mother then made a comment as I walked back to my chair "I seriously hope she did not do her hair like that purposely"  tears filled my eyes, it really hurt my feelings, and normally I don't think I would of let it, but today I am feeling a little Vulnerability. 

8 comments:

Material Girl said...

Monya, The lady in the cafeteria is an idiot. You look gorgeous. I believe that she will be humbled for making that comment. God has away of doing that!

Robin in OK

Anonymous said...

Monya, I am sorry that you are going through this. Your choices, thoughts and feelings are yours and no one should state otherwise. You are in all of our prayers. I will apologize for the woman in the cafeteria, someone should for her. How very unkind of her. You are making each of us aware of what you are going through and while it brings tears to my eyes, it also brings an awareness that so many of us never knew. Stay strong, remember to cry and know you are loved.

Anonymous said...

Monya,
Sending well wishes and prayers for a quick recovery your way!
With much love,
Patti

MagicSprinkles said...

I am confused as to why that lady even took the time to say that? When I saw you at Sprouts awhile back I commented to my husband how much I liked your hair after you walked away! I thought it looked FABULOUS...so hold your chin up, and flaunt that head of hair....you know what its like to not have hair...and that lady most likely does not. Don't let rude people get you down. A friend of mine always says "People who do or say bad do so because they feel bad." Maybe she was feeling bad about something in her life and I am sorry she in turn made you feel bad. I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Hang in there!
April

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you as you balance candor and privacy so artfully.

Jodi said...

What, What, What?!!!? She could not have been talking about you! You look fantastic. You are gorgeous in your pictures with long hair, but I have told you before that you totally have the face for short hair and you look GREAT! Your hair looks great. You are classy and totally together and no one would know now by looking at you all that you have been through over the past year. I don't know what to say about the rest because I am afraid it will be the wrong thing - so just know that I think about you a lot and when I think back to the past year and search for what I can be grateful for in 2010, your face pops into my head.I couldn't have done this without your advice, experience and encouragement. Oh - and your doctors too:)

Casey said...

I have been reading your blog for quite a while now and you have quickly become someone I admire and look up to. You write with such honesty, about things most people would never want to talk about. Your strength is incredible! I found out 2 and a half years ago that I am unable to have children and December 16th of last year I had to have surgery to make sure I wouldn't get pregnant. There were so many personal reasons why I really didn't want to have it done, those were separate from the finality of not being able to have kids. People would ask what they were and the only people I ever told were my fiance and my doctor(who I trusted more then any other doctor I've met).

I can't believe the audacity of some people and it makes me so angry and upset that someone could say such an awful thing about such a beautiful woman. I have had two open heart surgeries, one my freshman year of high school, the other a year later during my sophomore year. As a result I have like a 13 inch scar down the middle of my chest, that is raised and pink. I struggled with whether or not to show my scar and one day decided it's part of me and I can't let that stop me from being who I am. Anyways to try and end this rambling, I was at Walmart one day shopping for something on my work break and a mom and her 3 year old son were in the same isle I was in. She took one look at me and told me I needed to cover up my scar because it was scaring her son, yet the boy was asking what it was and thought it was awesome. But because it made her uncomfortable she had to say something about it, in a very rude manner.

I'm sorry people are so rude. You are such an amazing woman and the world sees that, except for the few selfish people that have nothing better to do with their lives then to tear others down.

Cherie said...

I sure do love you. I think you are beautiful. When my daughter was just a little one she sported a real short hairstyle. A woman and her daughter snickered at her in the church bathroom.... of all places. Thinking we were gone they continued to talk. I held onto that for quite a while but looking back I wish I would have killed them with kindness.