Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Am I Selfish?🚩

When all the world is spinning around me and I feel like I cannot get a grip on reality, I kneel and pray for strength, most of the time I do this in my son's bedroom.  I think I choose his room because he is on a mission right now serving the Lord and I feel not only closer to him, but also closer to my HeavenlyFather.
I think any mother who says sending a son off on a mission is easy ..... is a lot more spiritual than I am, I think 2 years is a very long time to be away from Blake-oh how I miss his sweet smile and awesome hugs. I am feeling so un-easy this last week and have really had to dig deep inside my heart and soul, finding some peace has been difficult at times, and other times I feel on top of the world.  The villain can rob a person of so much, just by the mere mention of cancer.  Anticipating my Mayo Appointments today has completely consumed my thoughts,  I don't want to have Uterine Cancer, is that selfish of me?  I seem to remember me saying a few months ago "why not me?"  I know I can't take that back, and it makes me wonder what more I could of possibly done to prevent this from happening?   I have done everything the oncologist asked me to do, I cut sugar, processed food, and white flours from my diet, I faithfully take my medicine and listen to my body for signs.  NO REGRETS has been mine and Eric's motto, and I don't think I have any, I do wish I was able to serve others more and give back to so many who are in special need.   The people who have followed my story on this blog and left me special messages, have no idea what those mean to me.  Tracey Simas, Nicole Barney, Michelle Menden, Patti, Robin, Jenster, Tamy Scheurn, Wendi Sunderhaus, Willi Nixon,  Sammy, Marilyn, Shannon Williams,  Dena Weech, Linda Bennett, Trystan, Loretta,  Jen Frost, Norm and Sue Watkins, Emily Brinton, Kathy Nielsen, Estee, Natalie, Sandy, GS, Sara, Carla, Courtney, Sonya, Kris, Katitlyn, Kayla, Teri, Tawny, Melody, Kristi, Kit, Krystal, Erica, Lorie, Angela and so many emails that I receive each week from women all over the country, encouraging and helping, we were never meant to carry the burdens on our own, and where there is fear love will take control and lead you forward, even in my deepest darkest nights and days I have felt this from all of you, thank you so much, I pray for you all.  Tonight as I was trying to get some perspective I decided to read back through some of my old blogs, and when reading your comments it brought tears to my eyes, knowing that I am surrounded by woman who know... woman who know when another sister needs a lift or a brighter view, you are the ones who give me HOPE on days when I feel my soul needs to be still.  I wonder if it's ok to feel scared?  Once you have been given the diagnosis of breast cancer  and then after long hard months of fighting the cancer with chemo and radiation, I some how expected them to say "you're done, the villain has left and you have won your battle"  when I was told that I am not cancer free, it was discouraging but I  decided to do everything I could so I would have no regrets, I want to do everything right.  Now having the oncologist tell me this could be Uterine Cancer,  it is a weary unexplainable feeling.
Mayo Clinic Specialty Building 8:45 am I saw Doctor Kreymerman this morning, he said everything looks good, of course it does, I have the best Doctor on the Planet remember?  I also gave him his Christmas/Hanukkah gift ....  a tie, same thing I gave him last year.  What do you give a doctor? He is so sweet it is getting closer to the time we are going to have to end our patient/Doctor relationship, I will miss him the most.  I will always be eternally grateful to him and Heather for the love, compassion and support they have given me this past year and half.  PK made me promise him today that I would do everything Doctor Magibay tells me to do. I then told PK I don't want to have a hysterectomy, he looked at me and said my promise to him trumps that.  This would not be a true post it I didn't say once again I Love Doctor Peter Kreymerman.
Now I am waiting to be called back for my ultra sound, Doctor Magtibay ordered it last week, my bladder is so full I need to pee so badly but I can't until after the exam.  I glance over at the RESTROOMS and decide I need to reposition my body so I don't have a birds eye view of the women's bathroom it just makes me want to go more.  There is no one in this waiting room under the age of 70, except for lil ol me.  I can't help but hear the conversations going on all around me, this is what I heard while I waited:
man 1: "oh, I hated radiation" 
man2:  "my prostate is on overload right now"
woman: "yeah, I got a UTI and was put on meds right away"
man 3: "you should of seen my wife, 2 weeks ago she started chemo it's gonna kill her, I just know it, but the doc he won't listen to me"

at this point I'm thinking "please don't ask me anything, please just don't make eye contact, I don't want to engage in conversation today, I just want to be entertained"
Lucky me my name was called over the load speaker and off I went with my full bladder ready to burst. I had 3 different types of ultra sounds today, 1st one checking my ovaries looking on the outside, just like if you had an ultra sound when your are pregnant, the 2nd one was more invasive, and the 3rd even more invasive using a probe to get 3D pictures of my uterus and ovaries.  It was a little uncomfortable but did not hurt.  Now I wait to hear back from Doctor Magtibay.


Anonymous said...

Been thinking about you all day.... Please don't forget that all of those women's names you mentioned are learning and growing from YOU. We are all sisters in this whole plan and how blessed we are to have each other.
I'm so glad you know how much you are loved my precious girl.


Nichole said...

Monya you are an amazing strong person and I have learned so much from you as I have read through all your high and lows during your treatments. It has given me such a great perspective and much hope as we face our own trials. I know that it is through your faith that you have endured and will continue to endure all things. You are a rock solid example to us all! :)

Kristi & Austin said...

Jen said it so perfectly... I have learned so much from- you inspire me to be just a little better- and I am grateful to call you my friend! Love you lady! Rely on the lord, and dont ever feel like your spending too much time in blakes room on your knees! xoxo

Wendi said...

Today I had a little cyst lanced on my side just next to my breast. It hurt so bad, I wanted to cry, but I just kept saying to myself, you can do this, if Monya can do what she has done, you can do this. I can't imagine the pain and suffering you have gone through in the past year and a half, but what I do know is that you did it with grace, and for that I am thankful for your example. I will take my cyst and the pain there and every time I have a trial, I will say, I can do this, no matter what that is. In just 10 short days you will hear that boys voice and for those few minutes life will be perfect. You are in our prayers every day, and often times in the car, and in stores, just whenever you come to my mind I say a little prayer. Thank you for being so honest about how this whole thing feels. Thanks for saying that it stinks, cuz it does, and it's not fair, but He does love you and me and all of us, and I pray every day that I can do whatever it is He gives me to do, hard or not, cuz He will get me through. If you ever need to hit someone, please call me, I have a ton of padding!!!! Have a wonderful season and especiall a wonderful phonecall. Find Joy.....:)

Anonymous said...

Your courage inspires.

Tracey said...

I want you to know how your spiritual growth has inspired mine, watching you face your adversity! Your faith and courage inspires me and obviously the rest of those who have followed your story! You are a strong woman and a great example and I appreciate you sharing your testimony through your blog... It has blessed my life and pushed me to try harder and be better! You have been an instrument in the Lord's hands and I am sure he is so proud of you and the way you have gracefully faced this trial! You are in my prayers and OFTEN on my mind! Hang in there... Love you!

lorie said...

Thanks for this post, Monya bonbon. I believe in the power of prayer, and allowing us all to know about your journey gives all of your friends a reason to pray for you. Thank you for sharing. I think about your all the time. Love ya, girl.

Teri said...

I know how you feel about missing Blake. When Spencer was in Chile I was in mourning for two years. Then he came home, got married graduated and now is in the NFL. Time goes by so fast. I also didn't want to have surgery to remove all my female parts, but I can honestly tell you I have never missed them. If you have a choice between bleeding all the time or not, I will chose being spayed and neutered. Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Dear Monya,
Thanks for always letting us in to the intimate parts of your life! I find as I read your blogs they are always truthful and laced with some humor--I find myself being sad with you and laughing at the things going on around you. I am grateful that you have done this blog and are able to tell it like it IS. You are handling this trial with much courage,humility and faith. Thank you for teaching us how to do handle such trying times.
xxxooo Patti

Michelle said...

Wow you really are loved and do have wonderful friends! You bring perspective to all of my silly stresses of the season. Like your friend said you certainly have faced your trials with grace. That is a word that makes me think of you. You inspire me and help me to have courage and faith in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. Trusting Him can take away the worry and fear. Certainly you are justified in feeling those emotions. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well. I love that you go in to your son's room to pray. I will remember that one day when I have to let my own sons go. And oh that little grandbaby is so sweet!

Anonymous said...

Monya you deserve to be selfish. You deserve the right to complain, cry, and come apart at the seams. You also deserve, to laugh, love, and live! And I am so thankful that I stumbled onto you blog, so many months ago. I laugh with you, pray with you and cry with you. I promise I won't stop praying for you.
xoxo Robin in Ok