Am I Selfish?🚩

When all the world is spinning around me and I feel like I cannot get a grip on reality, I kneel and pray for strength, most of the time I do this in my son's bedroom.  I think I choose his room because he is on a mission right now serving the Lord and I feel not only closer to him, but also closer to my HeavenlyFather.

I think any mother who says sending a son off on a mission is easy ..... is a lot more spiritual than I am, I think 2 years is a very long time to be away from Blake-oh how I miss his sweet smile and awesome hugs. I am feeling so un-easy this last week and have really had to dig deep inside my heart and soul, finding some peace has been difficult at times, and other times I feel on top of the world.  The villain can rob a person of so much, just by the mere mention of cancer.  Anticipating my Mayo Appointments today has completely consumed my thoughts,  I don't want to have Uterine Cancer, is that selfish of me?  I seem to remember me saying a few months ago "why not me?"  I know I can't take that back, and it makes me wonder what more I could of possibly done to prevent this from happening?   I have done everything the oncologist asked me to do, I cut sugar, processed food, and white flours from my diet, I faithfully take my medicine and listen to my body for signs.  NO REGRETS has been mine and Eric's motto, and I don't think I have any, I do wish I was able to serve others more and give back to so many who are in special need.   The people who have followed my story on this blog and left me special messages, have no idea what those mean to me.  Tracey Simas, Nicole Barney, Michelle Menden, Patti, Robin, Jenster, Tamy Scheurn, Wendi Sunderhaus, Willi Nixon,  Sammy, Marilyn, Shannon Williams,  Dena Weech, Linda Bennett, Trystan, Loretta,  Jen Frost, Norm and Sue Watkins, Emily Brinton, Kathy Nielsen, Estee, Natalie, Sandy, GS, Sara, Carla, Courtney, Sonya, Kris, Katitlyn, Kayla, Teri, Tawny, Melody, Kristi, Kit, Krystal, Erica, Lorie, Angela and so many emails that I receive each week from women all over the country, encouraging and helping, we were never meant to carry the burdens on our own, and where there is fear love will take control and lead you forward, even in my deepest darkest nights and days I have felt this from all of you, thank you so much, I pray for you all.  Tonight as I was trying to get some perspective I decided to read back through some of my old blogs, and when reading your comments it brought tears to my eyes, knowing that I am surrounded by woman who know... woman who know when another sister needs a lift or a brighter view, you are the ones who give me HOPE on days when I feel my soul needs to be still.  I wonder if it's ok to feel scared?  Once you have been given the diagnosis of breast cancer  and then after long hard months of fighting the cancer with chemo and radiation, I some how expected them to say "you're done, the villain has left and you have won your battle"  when I was told that I am not cancer free, it was discouraging but I  decided to do everything I could so I would have no regrets, I want to do everything right.  Now having the oncologist tell me this could be Uterine Cancer,  it is a weary unexplainable feeling.

Mayo Clinic Specialty Building 8:45 am I saw Doctor Kreymerman this morning, he said everything looks good, of course it does, I have the best Doctor on the Planet remember?  I also gave him his Christmas/Hanukkah gift ....  a tie, same thing I gave him last year.  What do you give a doctor? He is so sweet it is getting closer to the time we are going to have to end our patient/Doctor relationship, I will miss him the most.  I will always be eternally grateful to him and Heather for the love, compassion and support they have given me this past year and half.  PK made me promise him today that I would do everything Doctor Magibay tells me to do. I then told PK I don't want to have a hysterectomy, he looked at me and said my promise to him trumps that.  This would not be a true post it I didn't say once again I Love Doctor Peter Kreymerman.

Now I am waiting to be called back for my ultra sound, Doctor Magtibay ordered it last week, my bladder is so full I need to pee so badly but I can't until after the exam.  I glance over at the RESTROOMS and decide I need to reposition my body so I don't have a birds eye view of the women's bathroom it just makes me want to go more.  There is no one in this waiting room under the age of 70, except for lil ol me.  I can't help but hear the conversations going on all around me, this is what I heard while I waited:

man 1: "oh, I hated radiation" 

man2:  "my prostate is on overload right now"

woman: "yeah, I got a UTI and was put on meds right away"

man 3: "you should of seen my wife, 2 weeks ago she started chemo it's gonna kill her, I just know it, but the doc he won't listen to me"

at this point I'm thinking "please don't ask me anything, please just don't make eye contact, I don't want to engage in conversation today, I just want to be entertained"

Lucky me my name was called over the load speaker and off I went with my full bladder ready to burst. I had 3 different types of ultra sounds today, 1st one checking my ovaries looking on the outside, just like if you had an ultra sound when your are pregnant, the 2nd one was more invasive, and the 3rd even more invasive using a probe to get 3D pictures of my uterus and ovaries.  It was a little uncomfortable but did not hurt.  Now I wait to hear back from Doctor Magtibay.