I let my big girl panties drop today

Today while I was at work, I could feel my ear draining, trickling out and down my neck--I quickly wiped it off with a tissue, hoping no one would see it.  I don't want to put a cotton ball in it, because it needs air, it needs circulation, I do remember Dr. Barr's saying  "there is no circulation in your ear" which seems weird to me, because most of us move our head quite a bit during a 24 hour day.  I am still trying to process this all.  I am barely functioning, yet I seem to be getting things done.

For a few minutes today I let my big girl panties drop to the floor--I couldn't resist, as much as I tried I just could not wrap my head around saying "yes" to another surgery--I promised myself I was not going to do this again--I'm once again asking, "what do I need to learn?" "What is it that I am not getting?" I have come further than I ever thought I could, I guess when Heavenly Father tells me "you can do it" I just believe I can...and I do it.

Today, I had to walk into Us Airways once again and fill out medical leave forms--legal forms--I despise them, it's such a process and this probably sounds trivial but writting out once again on a form letter--my diagnosis--my estimated days away from work brought me to tears.  I love my work at UsAirways, I love my supervisor Diana, she has been patient, kind and compassionate with me through all of my journey.  Just when I have gotten my trust back in the fact I am  healed and ready to move forward, I get slammed back in surgery once again.  I have had my doubt replaced with truth, my fears have been replaced with trust, I know the Lord takes just what he thinks I can handle, this time I am trusting he will make me all completely healed.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN LAST WEEK

On Monday I headed to Mayo Clinic again, only this time I was planning on driving myself there, since Eric has a meeting on Mondays I didn't want him to miss, he takes pride in his work and loves Jeff Blandford.  I waited to tell him I was having surgery until Sunday night, the night before the surgery.  I told him I had it all worked out and that he could go to his meeting and come to the hospital whenever he was ready.  Sonya called me to ask if I had a ride I told her "yes" because I did, me, I was my driver.  She is too smart she asks too many questions and I couldn't lie, I told her  I was taking myself and one of the kids will come with Eric later and drive my car home, sounds like a good plan to me.  I was also asked by my visiting teachers a few days earlier, Kathi Cluff and Marian Priday if they could drive me, I told them I would contact them if I needed a ride.  I do not like people to drive to Mayo Clinic and sit and wait, and wait--and that is exactly what happened today.
Marian Priday came and picked me up, drove me to Mayo Clinic, we checked in, and waited, finally they called my name I went back and got dressed, IV in and ready with a little extra for my nerves.  Marian then came back and talked to me while we waited, it was 5 hours.  Exactly why I don't like to bring people with me, I hate for them to have to wait.  However, I was so grateful to have Marian there with me, she is not only a great friend, visiting teacher and example of compassion and integrity, she also is pretty dang funny.  She waited until they finally rolled me back to surgery, blew me a kiss and off I went.

Thank You Marian for being with me

My new tattoo? No just the magic marker from Dr. Barr's

Headed off to the OR

When I woke up in recovery Eric was there, he said Dr. Barr's told him because the surgery before mine took too much time, he was not able to do all that he had expected to do.  He basically grafted some skin from my arm again and placed it just inside my ear to help with the bleeding.  He told Eric I will be having another surgery, but not sure when.  I love Dr. Barr's and I am grateful he has been so patient with me and my ear issues, he has not given up yet, we will get it all taken care of eventually.