Monday, April 21, 2014

Sleepless Nights & Rainbows

There is not much to say, I went to Mayo Clinic today, and will be back tomorrow.  For today, my ear has suddenly decided to take a turn for the worse.  Yesterday I woke up with black on my pillow, I thought it might be some dried blood, no such luck--it was fresh and black, but it was also Easter and I wanted to spend a great day with my family.
I felt really dizzy most of the day, had some problems during sacrament concentrating as my ear was pounding in my head like a heart beat.  When I bowed my head during prayer I thought my head was going to explode and the equilibrium was way off when I stood up.  I saw Stephen Phelps on the stand and focused on the fact that I knew he was in pain too...sounds strange, but it was my way at that time of distracting myself.  He is such an inspiration, not many know of the pain he has, yet every week he's there playing the organ so beautifully, his testimony through his music plays directly to my heart every time.
I wore a shirt today that said "Don't forget to Smile" love that shirt--today it helped me to get past the complaining passengers who were upset about their seat assignment or the guy who could not understand why US Airways would not allow him to bring is sheep on board to ride with the rest of the customers---???  !!!  Yeah, those are the calls I get, my friend who sits next to me is always listening to my calls, he draws a big smiley face and tacks it on the wall in front of me--so today I wore that shirt for Frank.
I was able to meet up with my dear friend Jori today, we had an hour or so to visit while we both got manicures, she is still dealing with the loss of her son C.J. as she explained her Easter Sunday my heart was full and I was trying to hold back the tears when she described the day.  I'm pretty sure Heavenly Father knew I could not handle that one--losing a child is not something I want to ever endure, but if I do, Jori will be the one I go to.  She's strong, and has wisdom I could use.
Tonight, I want to be strong like the branches of a tree, when a storm is raging.  Time to get back down on my knees and ask Him to help me be strong like the wind--hoping that wind will push me further up this hill I'm climbing.
I've done all I can do, listened to my doctors, taken my medicine, tried natural path, now it's time, time for me to decide if what I preach I can put to action.   While at the doctor today, the cute resident who is usually there was not seeing me today, I'm not sure if she is in that department anymore.  Today I saw another cute resident, he looked in my ear, didn't say much, left the room to get Dr. Barr's.  When he came in I said while holding out my shirt "don't forget to smile" trying to keep the energy positive,  he said "I hope you can smile" I was sure he was going to tell me all was well in the journey of my ear problems.  Boy was I off, it was actually the opposite.  He brought in Kathleen his nurse to take a look, then he and she sucked out what they could.  They rattled off a bunch of medical terms I'm not aware of, basically what I was told he wants to get this surgery ASAP--when Kathleen mentioned tomorrow--I was a little shocked--I'm not being given any choices?  I guess I've been hoping putting off the inevitable, I thought I would be smarter than the doctor----big mistake---he's made an earthquake shake my soul today.  So much for that "don't forget to smile" shirt.
Am I missing something?  I've been wanting to move out of the shadows and into the sun, taking baby steps, reconnecting with friends I've not had time to see or spend time with in years, being a partner in a company who's core values are exactly what I believe in.  I'm finally comfortable where I am in my life, an occasional visit to Mayo Clinic would  be OK, these weekly visits are annoying me.  Dr. Northfelt can't tell me I'm cancer free, but I've learned to live with that, cope with it, trust in Him.  Today I felt more alone than I have in a very long time.  I had an appointment after Mayo Clinic, when I left there I pulled over my car and cried a river, then said a prayer, listened for an answer--NOTHING !  When I've searched for answers in the past, I've always trusted He will answer back, He's always shown me that I can handle any trial that comes my way, I've always felt Him beside me, but today, today I didn't feel it.  I'm scared, I know he knows the strength I have, I know He understands where my heart is, what is wrong this time?  I feel like I'm being pulled back into that black hole, the one that took me 4 years to crawl out of.  I need my friends, I want to be with them, but I don't ever want them to see me like I was today.  Tomorrow, Mayo Clinic will show up on my caller ID, so many times I want to go back to the days of no cell phones, stay in a place of happiness until I get home and listen to messages from our home phone, what happened to those days?  Tonight, it's time for me to get to sleep, it's quiet here, Eric is asleep I haven't even had time to talk to him today.  We have been so happy working together with something we both believe in, now I'm supposed to do what? These surgeries will put me so far behind my goals--but for now, I'm going to bed, hopefully sleeping until 4:30 when I will rise up and start my day again.  I said "I will not have another surgery, no more I'm done, it's time to let it go and let  the Lord do what he thinks is best"  I guess taking the rain with the sunshine, is the only way I will get to see the rainbows.