Monday, January 13, 2014

All I have is yours

Today is Sunday Jan 12, 2013

Well I did it, I went to church today, and was able to sit through all three hours, yay, pat on the back for me.  I was not feeling well yesterday and stayed in bed all day, except to get sick.  I also spent a very quiet Saturday, literally.  The kids all went to Disneyland, Jeremy Kayla Ezra and Recker spent the day together, and Eric was at work, honestly I was relieved to be allowed to just do nothing, but rest and pray I can go to church.  I made a goal to at least try to get through Sacrament, but I was able to make it through Sunday School and Relief Society.

I wish I could truthfully say it was easy, I can't.   This was a huge eye opener for me today, and I caught myself several times in tears.  I walked in a little late, Eric saved me a seat.  Just before I left the house I went back and forth to my room twice to pray....."please help me to understand what they are saying" that was my 1st prayer and not feeling quite happy with it, I walked back upstairs knelt next to that all familiar place next to my bed and poured out my heart, "I know you are teaching me something, or trying to, am I so hard headed that I am not getting it? please Heavenly Father, help me to listen with my heart today, even if I can't understand what is being said"  I waited a few minutes with my head low and eyes closed, expecting something, but it never came.

I was met at the chapel doors by President Packard, (one of my favorite people of all time) he had his head down with folded arms, so by this I knew the prayer was going on, I waited watching him, I could not hear one thing being said so watching him gave me the indication when the prayer was over. He shook my hand and we greeted with a sweet hello. I'm wearing a mask, so our eyes smiled.  I have never been frightened to enter the chapel, but today I was, until I saw Eric stand and help me get seated.  Marian tapped my shoulder and smiled, what a comfort if she only knew what I was feeling.  How will I communicate with these people I love so much, I can talk--that's never been my problem--I wonder why not? why didn't my mouth get reconstructed?  It's usually  the one thing that gets me in the most trouble, if you've followed my blog or know me well you know I don't keep much to myself. This has always been one of my downfalls, and hardships in life......just say nothing.....maybe this is what the Lord trying to teach me....for so many years as a child and youth I kept quiet through the rough times, after all we were the All American Family, I think once I gave myself the permission to speak I never shut up....ha ha.

I sat through Sacrament, having to constantly ask Eric what the speakers were talking about.  Mary Greer Spoke today and props to her, I could read her lips for most all of her talk, she is amazing and has been through so many trials this past year.  Just an amazing family the Greers, Julie is wonderful I love her, and I can see the growth and comfort she and President Greer are giving to Mary and her very small children after the death of Mary's husband last year.  Sunday School I caught very little of what was being said, it's so hard to explain I have about 25% hearing in one ear, and it happened over night, I have a very difficult time hearing when there is a group of people, I had no idea who was reading, quoting or commenting (one of those tearful moments)  When I only had hearing in one ear, I thought I was a pretty good lip reader--come to find out--I'm not--If I am talking to someone one on one I do really good, but when noise is coming from all around me I have no idea where it is or who it is.  I'm so glad Haleigh was with me in Relief Society today--I've always been a believer that nothing happens in life as a coincidence, I know if Haleigh was not there I could of easily asked any woman in that room to sit on my left side and help me to follow along with the lesson, but I loved having my sweet baby girl there, she whispered in my ear when she thought I didn't understand and she was right every time.

Today I have been thinking about a dear friend of mine who was killed by a drunk driver years ago, she and I worked together.  She taught me so many words in sign, it was something I enjoyed and always wished I had taken more interest in a class or two--I know I wouldn't be able to communicate in this way with my family or with anyone else who didn't know sign. But Blake didn't know how to communicate Spanish when he went on his mission, he came home and knows the language. Is this what I am supposed to learn?  Could I go on a sign language mission?  Remember these are just my wonderings--my mind goes places sometimes--like today.

And now here I am tonight, I can't sleep, worried about too many things.  I took a bath, listened to uplifting music with my ear phones on, so as not to wake the family with the speakers full blast. I went into Haleigh's bedroom read some of the Preach my Gospel, and finally decided to pray.