Sunday, June 15, 2014

Be a light to those who walk in the dark

Today is Sunday,  I wanted so badly to either go to the Kirkland Temple, or to a church close by.  I wanted to take the Sacrament, today neither one happened.  Tonight I am watching conference from my laptop, also listening to the Slade Family music, and the Sound of Music soundtrack.   My eye is getting worse everyday, and I fear losing it completely.  I've been keeping it hydrated and covered with a patch, but when I take it off for some relief--all I see is cloudy...don't be surprised if the spelling on this post is wrong.

This is a little city--white coats everywhere
I've been praying for a surgery date--tomorrow I hope something will be accomplished, I'm ready.  I want to get home and be with my family--Sundays are the nights we all get together have dinner and family home evening, oh how I miss them.  Since we've been empty nesters it's been really hard for me, I love my family around--if I had my way I would have them all move back in with us.  I haven't seen my grandchildren in 2 weeks--I haven't seen my children in 2 weeks--Eric and I Skype, so I get to see him, Blake and Chloe everyday.... I WANT YOU ALL TO UNDERSTAND THIS:  Eric and I had been planning a trip to Blake's mission in the Dominican Republic, when I was in the hospital Eric wanted to cancel, when we decided for me to come to Cleveland, I told him he has to go on the trip with Blake no matter what, just cancel my flights.  Of course he was not going to do that, he wanted to be with me, but I had a very strong feeling he needed to go and spend some time with his son, Blake will always have those memories to look back on when we are gone.  Still he was insisting on being here.  I told him if he came here, I would cancel the surgery and go home, now that made him think.  He knows when I'm serious, so he and Blake left a couple days ago, I've been talking to them everyday, thanks to modern technology.  Chloe will be working with Dr. Kelly while she is in the Dominican Republic, so this is good dad/son bonding time.  I told Blake this morning to have a great time and not worry about me, all Eric and he would be doing is sitting around (just like me) waiting for the scheduler to call. Besides the time I've had alone has given me a chance to reflect, process and get back on track with the spirit.  I have had some really serious spiritual experiences while fasting and praying for answers.

The two main sources of most importance are my eye, and to see if the bone is infected.  Not sure about the eye, but I feel really strongly that my bone is good, no infection.  I do not leave the hotel without a patch on my eye, the wind blows a lot here, it is extremely painful on my eye, it gets really red I have no peripheral vision out of the right eye. Not a good combination, deaf in the right ear, and can't see out of the right eye--boy I'm a mess--
I was thinking today, the body is so perfectly created by our Heavenly Father, 
when something is not working correctly we take note of it.  I never realized how important it  is
to be able to blink your eye--or how much people stare when they see someone who is not looking like the typical person should look.  
A little boy was with his dad and said "daddy, what's wrong with that ladies eye?" The dad quickly scooped him up trying to distract the little boy with a flavor of ice-cream, he asked his dad again.  I looked at the little boy and said "I have a boo boo and I'm just trying to cover it so it won't get worse"
I could see it bothered the boy's father to have me explain it.  The little boy said a few minutes later to his dad "what is wrong with her eye dad?" no answer.  I was trying my hardest not to laugh, I love little children and their ability to say it like they see it, but the father acting like I was an alien was a little bothersome.  I waved good-bye to the little boy, and off I went.  Seeing out of only one eye when I have the patch on is really strange, every step I take is difficult because my brain tells me the curb is closer than it is, I look about as gracious as a bull in a china shop. I have ran into walls, stepped on my own feet, dropped or grabbed for things that look closer or further than they really are.

The body is an amazing creation and when it is not working like it was intended to, all of what you learned, has to be retrained.  My mouth does not work like it used to either (I know most people are happy about that one) but I can only eat very small bites of things, they need to be cut up, and I can only eat on the left side, sometimes it is such a chore, my speech is OK, but hard sometimes to say my "P's and B's"  I have to hold my cheek out while I talk so people can understand.  While I Skyped with Eric and Blake this morning, he couldn't understand what I was saying, so I held my cheek out, we laughed about it---One thing I've learned in the past 5 years is that I am not in charge, Heavenly Father is, he is testing my knowledge of HOPE,  in my ability to  listen to the spirit, and step forward with FAITH.

I'm still staring at the mirror  15 minutes a day and telling my eyebrow to move, my mouth to smile and my eye to blink.....guess what? It's working today I caught my eyelid blink a couple of times while I was concentrating on it.  When Eric and I first got married he used to make me stand
in front of the mirror and tell myself "you are beautiful, you will succeed, you are going to have a great day"  I felt weird doing that, but it works--I've never met a more positive thinking person than him.
My face will work again, I know it will--just need to practice a Christlike attribute--patience.

I always despise the beginning of anything,  I'm starting to embrace these changes in my life.  I've been told I will never look the same again, well maybe physically I won't, but all these changes keeps me alive and open to new challenges.  So now it's time for one more change, I will survive, and I will go forward no matter what the doctors are able to do or not to do.  I am living in a world full of people who feel forgotten, they are not alone, I want to find a way to help them find their happy places, in spite of whatever trials they are facing.  I have given my heart and soul to HIM and to the doctors, I want to be a person who gives more than she takes--listen with my heart--smile with my eyes--and give back everyday I breathe to help someone in need.  I did a smile project, while I was going through my chemo treatments--

I have a new project, I'm in the process of  now and will tell you about it when I get my results. My focus now is embracing the new Monya--still the same heart, still the same personality, I'm trying to get refined around the edges.  I have no doubt that my Heavenly Father knows the strength I have in me, I know when I kneel down for help, he WILL answer back, however, I also know from experience it is not always the answer I want. I've tried all my life to be a humble servant, I've felt healing power in my life and in the lives of others, I have a grateful heart, right now I feel a  calm and quietness, the stillness of what I'm feeling draws me near to HIM. It makes me want to be a better daughter of God by serving others and giving back what I'm learning.  Even though I'm far away from home I know there is someone I can always turn to, and He is just one prayer away.  I realize this road ahead of me is long and is hard, but not devastating--I am concentrating on Happiness in my life--giving and sharing what I know can help others.  I am still in this school of learning that we all call LIFE.  When I look back at where I've been, I never saw these challenges in my future, I imagined it much worse--I have truly been blessed with a beautiful life, an eternal companion I call Frenchie, 4 amazing children, 2 of the best grandchildren who can light up my life with just a smile, I have FAITH in my future, I want to look back on all of this and  see that I did what was right when no one was around watching--keeping my eyes on Eternity,  I want to be a light to those who are in the dark, I want to bring them into the light and see what I see--I am the only one who can decide how I live, and I decide to LIVE HAPPY.


Stephen said...

Wow. What faith. What a great attitude. I don't pretend to understand all that's going on in your life, Monya -- but I do now it is part of His plan, as you do. I would take it on myself for you in a heartbeat if I could. But His son has already done that. All that's left for you and me is to sit back and watch His marvelous works unfold. Don't try too hard, dear friend. The work is really in His hands now. Miss you and love you and pray for you EVERY day. -- Stephen and Carolei