Thursday, September 20, 2012

Moving Forward

Surgery was successful, all I remember is going to sleep in the OR on Wednesday and waking up on Monday ha ha.  My days are all off, I  drove all the way to Scottsdale for a doctors appointment I don't have until tomorrow.  I have to admit I loved getting out of my bed and seeing some sunlight.

Today I saw  the Dr. he took out the sutures and the nose brace, but unfortunately for me the stints have to remain up my nostrils for a couple more weeks to give the bones time to heal correctly. I have black and blue around my eyes and cheeks, I've had to control the pain with drugs but am quickly getting off of those. Now I'm dealing with keeping food down, even a few bites of anything. Kayla has been bringing me peanut butter banana smoothies, it may take all day to drink but it tastes good and stays down, so I know I'm getting some protein.

Now isn't that beautiful?
If I'm  completely honest at this very moment I'm feeling a little defeated knowing we have some  serrious decisions to make. Recently I was boo hooing and  venting to a friend, and doing a pretty good job at it too, then she reminded me  about something  my oncologist told me from the beginning.... he said he will not tell me I'm cancer free, but he will be with me until the end! My 1st thought was "until the end.? What the heck does that mean? "then she continued saying "did you ever stop to think that you are NOT here for what YOU still need to learn, but for what people can learn from you?"  I've never thought about this journey of life being for anyone but myself, what am I supposed to be learning has always been my question to myself and in my pleading prayers to the Lord.

I'm not someone with a whole lot of confidence in myself or my abilities to uplift and help others. I know some incredibly talented people, they have worked hard to become musicians, singers, athletes,   cooks,  authors, scrap bookers,  doctors, attorneys. PA's, radiation therapist (I love them)  I could go on and on, the point I'm trying to make is when she said those words to me two things went through my mind 
#1. What a bunch of crap  I have nothing to teach anyone, and if for some reason she's right, I don't want to do it anymore, find someone else to learn from. and then came # 2. Change your prayers. To my dear sweet friend thank you for giving me something new to worry about... Ha ha I love You.


Anonymous said...

Oh Moaners. Look at those bruises! It hurts just to look at that picture!
Hope you're feeling better each day...
love you. Jensters