Back to Work

I made the decision to go back to work, my doctors in Cleveland would of wanted me to wait a bit longer, but I can't sit around.  I look in the mirror and I am still not quite ready to accept what I see, I really thought I was.  Last week I finished my work, it was a difficult transition, my eye continues to be such bothersome issue.  Cleveland Clinic PA told me to massage the lower lid to strengthen the muscle, I have been doing that still it waters constantly to the point of not being able to see out of my right eye. Mayo Clinic says I have chronic dry eye, which is weird since it waters all the time, the are trying to fit me in this week.  Work was really hard, my foot is was so swollen by the end of each day, I have had a hard time getting my shoes on. I tried to spend the weekend elevating it, I don't have a strong education about how nerves all I know is it takes a year for things to truly heal.  If this last surgery did not work, this is what is next.  The will make an incision from my hairline, ear to ear, pull back my face and take the nerve from the left side and attach it to the nerve on the right side, then wait another year.

Being at work I felt vulnerable as I walked into the building, I usually like to smile and greet  people with a happy attitude. Problem a lot of people did not recognize me with my short hair and odd looking face.  I even had someone ask if I gained all my weight while I was gone....Yes I did...I was on 2 different steroids and ballooned up a bit.  I am now off of them and back to my normal eating habits so hopefully I can get back to my normal weight.  I know when others notice, then it must be an obvious change.

I am always amazed at what my brain can retain, and what takes time to recall.  My job at US Airways is in the International Reservations Department, there is a lot of information most people take for granted that they know how to do.  I've realized since being back, how amazing my brain is, reactivating those brain cells and muscles I have not used for a few months is slowly coming back without having to look at my notes.

Personally, I am struggling to keep my spirits up and stay positive. Some of the ways I do this is to continue to read from a good book everyday for 30 minutes...this gives me HOPE in my purpose in life. It is so easy to wonder "why" when that happens, I have to get on my knees and say "thank you for this trial,  I am trying so hard to understand, please give me guidance and strength to know what to do, now that it is done there is not much I can do to change it, but now it is time for reality and for me to live with it, I accept that, but please help me along the way, give those nudges of the spirit when I am bombarded with doubt" 

I marvel at my ignorance, I once thought I had all I could deal with as a youth, and that my Heavenly Father had given me quite a challenge to overcome, and when I finally did and was able to truly forgive and move forward I just knew that was it for me .....  I seriously thought if I could overcome that, I would be left alone for life...no more trials.  I think He really does give us what He knows we can handle, but I believe He is also trying to teach me something through all this.  I had a dream that allowed me to see and was specifically told that I have a purpose here on earth, it's just so hard to grasp what I've been asked to do and not say "why? why me?  I try to believe that I am of infinite worth and that I  should be saying  "why not" Maybe because I know all my faults and know the things I need to work on, I am not a special person, no different than anyone else, it seems the world is filled with people who are struggling.  There is a part of me that wants to negotiate my way out of this one.