Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Anxiety-Insomnia-and Finding Peace

I am trying to learn to control the thoughts that bombard my brain.  The flashbacks that I get seem to be uncontrollable for me right now, and then they create anxiety and insomnia.  I really believe that my last surgery was not about CANCER, although I can still accept it as a Miracle in my life.  I also am able to realistically except the fact that there are things from my past that have haunted me for years.  I believe that Heavenly Father put that miracle in my life for a purpose, he is trying to teach me to deal with my past and try to come to a place in my life where I can LIVE FREE, free from the demons that constantly create these horrible flashbacks.  When someone tells you "don't be anxious, or think of something else while you are trying to sleep"  those statements in them self create anxiety, trying to not think about sleeping makes me want to sleep so badly but I can't because I have worked myself into  such an anxiety attack that now it is just too late.  I never had anxiety or insomnia before the VILLAIN decided to invade my life, but now that I have it, I'm trying to deal with it the best I can.  Now that I have had this hysterectomy, it is getting worse, the anxiety that built up inside me just to get myself to have the surgery is still lingering in the thoughts and feelings.  The appointment I have with Dr. Magitbay next week is constantly on my mind, and I am scared to go.
My right breast hurts so bad, and I am continually wondering if cancer has taken up residency again, it is this vicious cycle that Cancer patients go through.  I'm quite sure it's nothing, but in the back of my head there is that silly thought.  The Lord has been so patient and loving to me, and I thank him for ever thing  and everyone good in my life.   With HIM I know there is nothing I cannot endure.  I try to find some peaceful moments everyday to reflect on all that HE has given me.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry that your are plagued with the many burdonsome issues that you face. I have been to some degree where you are, and have felt the changes in my body due to medically induced Menopause. It is an on going process for me...If you ever want to talk...I am happy to listen and to share my thoughts on this life changing process! Take care and know that I think about you all the time! Sending love your way----