Wednesday, December 18, 2013

He knows me

It's so difficult to know yourself, I mean really know yourself well enough to know when enough is enough.  I woke up this morning really feeling like I've been here forever,  depressed, I drug myself out the bed into the bathroom trying hard to see what was so great about today....?  With tears running down my face I looked at myself in the mirror that same mirror I 1st stared at my flat chested scared breasts, the same mirror I stared at my bald head inspecting every inch of it, today while I look at myself I wonder what is worse, being completely bald or partially bald? The past couple of days have been pulling me down, I'm in desperate need of the Lord to come find me---light a torch under me--writing here on this blog is where I can find myself,  especially on the days when I just don't understand, when I don't want to ask why, or I don't want to hear or feel anything, nothing, where I can hide in the shadows cry all I want and  know HE knows HE is the only one who knows what I'm feeling, I have theses bittersweet tears, sleepless nights  every now and then, that end up becoming  a heartbreak that is so sacred and beautiful to me, its difficult to even describe.  I wonder if even the bravest of the brave ever have these moments? Today I lit a fire log and stared at it as flames went to ashes, one day my light will go out and all that will be left is ashes--will I have done enough? I have been given so many tender mercies, and I truly have come to learn that HE is the tender behind the mercy--no doubt about that, but even with this knowledge I sometimes feel so alone.

I remember a time in my life when I wanted to turn around and leave it all behind, I begged and pleaded with the Lord to leave me alone, stay away, quit helping me, I didn't want HIS help anymore I really just wanted to end it all. If I could of I would of run my car off a cliff, that was the plan.  But I made my choice that day to take on HIS name, I turned my car around and from that day forward I have been true to that promise to HIM.  I feel this oneness with those who decide for whatever reason to take their own lives, my compassion and love for them runs deep, this is a world of weakness and we live in it.  When my mind starts to wonder over to that side, I know its time to be thankful, be grateful, by humble and thank HIM who loves me so much.  There have been times when I've closed that door on him and  know many others who have done the same, but what I've learned is that HE always keeps HIS door open, we can lock our heart from HIM, but HE will never lock HIS door, through the storms of life, if I allow HIM, HE will fill up my heart and bubble up through my eyes with tears. I am so impatient, even when I know HE is teaching me, step by step--I cannot think of a more pure love, than the love HE has for all HIS children.

Oh how hard this life has been and I'm sure the depth is still to come,  I've felt every emotion that our Heavenly Father has allowed me to feel --I will always praise HIS grace and love for me until the day I take my last breath--when I see him again, I will humbly bow down and say "Thank You, for the sacrifice you gave in my name so I could live, learn, and  try my hardest to love as you do"

Maybe I have not learned enough, maybe I have not tried enough, maybe I have not served enough, there is so much more for me to learn, I see people surrounding me who give and give and give and I wish I was more like that, or I think "now why didn't I think of that?"

with packing out--less swelling

temporary cap on the BAHA
the grafted skin was taken from my upper arm

For those who are interested in the doctor report here it goes--I may have reported on my last blog so sorry to repeat if I did. On Monday,  Dr. Barr's took out the packing and the covering of the BAHA. Not painful, the staples were kinda a pinch or two--but nothing like getting my expander's filled with PK. He said he needed to leave a couple of the staples until I see him next time, and speaking of next time he will be out of town and wants the Chief of surgery in his department to look at my ear and get a 2nd opinion.  Because of time restrains while he was doing the surgery, he could not do any more digging and taking the chance it would open up a whole new 8 hours of surgery, so with respect to that I was pleased that he took it so seriously. He just make it loud and clear that another surgery was a possibility.  The way I feel right now THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN--I can't do it, I'm done. He found a black fleshy area that he is suspicious of but was afraid if he dug into it, it would end up being another 8-9 hours.  He showed Eric how to change the packing on my ear, it has a particular way it has to be done--the look on Eric's face said it all, I honestly do not want him to have to do this, I wish I new a nurse or doctor close by, someone who sees this kind of stuff and have it not be emotional.  Today while Eric was gone to the SUNS game with Eric, I went downstairs and opened up the medicine cabinet to see it in the opposite mirror pulled out the packing, and for the 1st time I saw it, now I know, I know exactly what Eric and the rest of the world will see--a huge black hole--I literally threw up in the toilet and continued with tears running down my cheeks to pack it the best I could.  Eric just got home and told me I did it wrong--so I'll let him fix it.  I want so badly to call Mary Greer (she's a nurse} I trust and love her but she has so much on her plate right now there is no way I can do that.  I now know why Dr. Barr;s didn't laugh when I asked if people would be able to see from that ear out the other--I was just joking trying to lighten up the mood, he didn't laugh I was merely suggesting there is not much between the two ears--ha ha, sometimes I make jokes when I'm worried.  Today the hematoma has gone down in size but is oozing a blister like stuff, and good news the swelling is going down on the actual ear it self.