Trusting

I believe the worst pain a mother can feel is knowing her children are struggling with something you cannot understand or comfort them with.
There have been times when my doubt has been as wide as the ocean, feeling like the waves need to sweep me away, not wanting to face the pain.  Our oldest daughter Kayla and her husband Jeremy have two amazingly beautiful boys.  Recker is almost 5 years old, it's so hard to believe how fast he is growing.  Ezra will be 2 in February, he's been a spunky, smily fun babyboy.  These little angels have brought more joy to my life than I ever thought imaginable.  Their laughter and unconditional love is contagious.

Ezra's squint eye..so cute

Ezra love

When Recker was 14 months old he was diagnosed with Autism, he is non-verbal but has taught me to speak with my heart and eyes.  The past 5 years have been so difficult for Kayla and Jeremy.  Something I don't even try to understand, all I understand is that if it were not for Recker, I would have not made it through some days when I could barely get out of bed--he is my sweet baby boy, who saved me from going to a very dark place.

Two days ago, Ezra was also diagnosed with Autism.  I was so sure he was just fine, he was making animal noises, something Recker never did, he could point to the different parts of his body, again I don't remember Recker doing that.  Over the past few months Ezra has started to regress, although Kayla was trying her hardest to prepare us, it could be true, I just didn't want to believe it, after all Ezra was doing everything different, until he didn't, and little by little he has become distant.
Kayla did everything different with her pregnancy, thinking maybe it would be different, Ezra didn't get his shots like Recker did, she just did everything different--Now we know, his diagnosis comes as a shock to Eric and I, but not so much to Kayla and Jeremy, who I can honestly say have tried to  prepare us for.

Recker School Picture--I love this

Recker lives in an awesome world--I wish I could go
there with him.

When I found out I just wanted to scream "WHY?" I still do, I am hurt, angry, sad and blessed all at the same time, these mixed emotions have rocked my little world, and is going to take a few days, weeks or months to get used to.  I just want Kayla and Jeremy's dreams of having a typical child come true.  This does not mean they do not love their boys, they love them more than life, but not to hear your child say "mom, or dad" is heart breaking.  They need time to mourn, I guess we all do.

I don't  in any way shape or form believe these boys are doomed, that they will not have a future that is anything less than we, as family teach them.  I know they can and will be, such a blessing to our family and to others.  In fact I believe through their journey, they will be the ones who against odds will teach us, through their sweet spirits they will teach us so much more about compassion and tolerance than we could ever learn in a book.

So, it leaves me with doubt, fear and the unknown but I know one thing for sure and I can never say this enough, Heavenly Father send those sweet boys to our family for a purpose.  We may never know what that purpose is, but have decided the reason does not matter as much as making the journey with them memorable and happy.  Autism is not fun, it is mis-understood.  I know so little about why a child is diagnosed with Autism,  all I really know is that nothing for me changes, I love them unconditionally, I will take them by the hand as they lead me and guide me back to a place where I want to be HEAVEN.