|It looks nastier than it really is..it broke last night|
I realize I am living this continual roller coaster, one month great, 3 months not so great. I am always constantly wondering, what I am I not getting? What is it that I should be learning here. I've tried to run and hide, I've tried to ignore it, I've even tried to pretend this is just a big joke....jokes on me.
When Blake was in the Dominican Republic and I was enduring the treatments of chemo and radiation, I often times went in his room and knelt to pray, begging and pleading with the Lord to take my pain away, asking why my son had to be gone for so long, I just wanted one more hug from him, thinking back now I remember those days as daily trials, things were happening so quickly I had a ray of HOPE, knowing Blake was given a blessing by President Greer the night before he left for the MTC telling him if he remained obedient the Lord would bless our family, and that I would be here when he returned in 2 years. I actually thought when Blake came home, the trials would magically end...after all Blake did all he was asked to do. he was obedient, he had the best two years of his life, and our family felt the overwhelming power of the Priesthood and the Holy Ghost with us, we saw miracles happen with my health. I had it all figured it out, and I prayed thanking Him for bringing my son home safely. Little did I know, my journey was just beginning. Have you ever had a beautiful heartbreak? When ever I hear that song it is as if it was written for me. Every fear I had and every pain I felt I would pray he would take it all away--I never dreamed I would make it through, now that I'm here where I am right now still with sleepless nights and continual fear, I don't think I would ever trade any of that for anything, nothing I say or write can come close to explaining the emotions I have had through this beautiful heartbreak of mine.
|He wore those CARS swim trunks all summer|
|I love this...Blake thank you|
|dirty like a boy...he knew Boston was #1|
|Why get a bowl, bonbon lets me eat from the carton...shhh don't tell mom|
|Recker would live at the ocean, he never tires of it|
|Just like Blake was, Recker loves the outdoors|
|school picture--I love it|
Today Recker was here and I watched him swim, no words were spoken I just wanted to watch his happiness, I wanted time to stand still so I could remember every minute every second of his laughter. This little angel boy has brought me so such happiness, I just want to squeeze him, I hope he knows I love him so much, I would gladly take away his trial, to hear him say "I love you" to his mom and dad. Every parent deserves to hear those words, but with Recker he shows his love in so many other ways--I have an open wound on my upper arm where the doctor took skin to graft into my ear. Today, when Recker was swimming he scratched his knee and he showed it to me, I blew on it gave him a hug and he was off to jump, splash and play.....when it was time for him to leave he clung to me, not wanting to leave, I bent down to hug him, it was then that he saw the sore on my arm, and in a innocent pure gesture he took my face in his hands stared into my eyes, trying to communicate he lifted his shorts up to show me his scratch, then he kissed my arm. He was trying to show me, we are both scarred with bruises--in that moment I can't explain the rush of emotions that came over me, this little boy knows how to enter my heart, fill up my eyes with joyful tears that seemed to flow so easily today. I felt like my heart was bursting to understand, I could not catch my breath enough to be able to say "I Love You", he kissed my cheek then my arm again. He took me by the hand and we walked to the car holding hands, I gave him a hug like it was the last day I would ever see him again.
I gave a testimonial at one of our Nerium meetings, usually I am composed because I have learned to say when people ask how I am doing "couldn't be better" Having this moment with Recker today a reality was made clear to me, we are a forever family, we are not without trials, every family has them, they manifest themselves in different ways from family to family, but none of us are without trials. I'm grateful when I least expect it, the clouds part and a ray of light reminds me who I am, and that God has heard every single prayer, Heaven surprises me always when I least expect it...today was one of those days I think because I have been so desperate for answers, I learned today I have a purpose, something totally different than what I had expected--answers came clearly. Standing and having an opportunity to explain my story and my "why" for being involved with this company, I listened to others who spoke before me, and each of us had a different "why" some for financial freedom, some for self development, single worthy beautiful women sharing their struggles and wanting not only to be self sufficient but to find fulfillment in helping others find their true potential and happiness.
When it was my turn to speak, the walls were taken down, it came from my soul, as I explained my "why" I began to cry (so much for composure), I looked around this room filled with people who are dedicated hard working men and women, my eyes were brought to Crissy Caufman and her sweet husband, I had no idea who they were a few months ago now I include them in my friendship circle I have found, Liz Decker, never knew her before, she's amazing, in the back Danny Jones gave me chills an impressive young man who understands the Atonement, understands life's struggles and teaches me more than he knows, Shelli Richardson who listened to the spirit a few months ago not knowing -- I too was praying for a change to come. So, my "why" is different than most in that room, trying to bringing me out of a cancer Mayo Clinic filled life, I've found a way to re-connect with old friends and make new lasting friends, if I never become monetarily rich, being amongst happy uplifting people with integrity helping others is helping to refine me as I go through the bitter and sweet.
As crazy and strange as it seems, I have found another "why" Recker, he's one of my hero's, he has more love and sweetness in his little 4 year old body than some 40 year old's I know. Some may not know what a difficult financial burden it can be on a family trying to raise a child with special needs. I would love to be able to provide a home for them where this little guy can run outside and play, a place to call home. If I can give this my all with Recker in mind I will be able to achieve that goal. I will never give up, I just need to learn how to master the mundane -- showing up, doing my part, and then doing it again the next day--for every no I get a little closer to a yes, so I try not to take it personal and recognize it as a learning experience. The joy I will feel when those dreams become real, is REAL, it is going to happen..........So did I learn anything today, yes a big YES, nothing that I didn't already know but somethings I have forgotten to tap into ..... remember 2 things I am blond so it takes longer to sink in...ha ha and, He always sends His love it has given me HOPE in the darkness and helped me back into the light, I've been blessed to see that the give and take are exactly what we all need to help us become who He wants us to be, as He allows those trials to strengthen us, I'm looking forward to see what the next year will bring for me. Something amazing is about ready to surprise even myself, I can do anything with Him on my team.