I know without any doubt one day I will be strong enough to believe in this promise. Right now I am feeling vulnerable. I am so afraid I have spent a week in Cleveland trying to find a doctor who will take on my case, one in which I was told by two doctors they have never seen during their time as practicing doctors. I am being fine tuned and my sharp edges are being sanded down. Heaven has shown me so many miracles....and one thing I know for sure is, the Lord will not take our pain away, I also believe he could take it away but when he does that we are deprived of blessings we would of never had the opportunity to endure, come closer to the spirit and strengthen our testimony of FAITH and HOPE in Christ.
One day a few weeks ago I let Recker and Ezra play in my car while I was cleaning it out, they love to just play in the car because when he drive they have to be in their car seats so when bonbon let's them play they are all happiness and smiles. The next day I was driving and I noticed both Recker and Ezra's feet and hand prints on the windows, I pulled my car over to the side of the road and stared at those prints with the biggest smile on my face--thinking "I want to absorb this moment, those little hand prints are my cute little grandkids...." why did they not look as cute when they were my own children's? Or maybe they were but I just forgot. I later noticed in my house on one of the mirrors Recker's hand prints all over it, I did not take the windex out--instead I cleaned around it, this little boy has blessed my life more than anyone ever has--I love Ezra too, and I love him just as much, but the connection I have with Ezra is different than the one I have with Recker. Last week when I was home I had the picc line in my arm, and a wrap around my ear, like a bandaid. Recker always comes and gives me hugs, but this time he gave me the hug and then a had to inspect my picc line and I tried to explain it was a boo boo and bonbon just needs some medicine. Then he hugged me again looked at the bandaid on my ear he first looked at it then looked me straight in the eye, as if to say "it will only hurt for a minute" and that fast he had ripped it off my ear and ran as fast he could---NO it didn't hurt, he just hates bandaids and obviously if he doesn't like them he assumed bonbon wouldn't either. This little Recker boy is 4 and a half, he is still non-verbal, but he and I can communicate with our eyes and our hearts--He has a special bond with our Heavenly Father and I treat him as though he is a typical child, because we do not want him to think we think he less worthy or less loved than anyone else in this family.
|he's my little angel|
I know that one day we will understand why some children are born with this special veil surrounding them and protecting them from temptations of the world. When I look at this picture up above, it always makes me think of Recker, I believe his foot prints will also be next to mine, yes his perfect little foot prints walking next to me and helping me to get where I need to be.
Tomorrow is a big day for me, I am praying the doctor has already cleared his schedule for one day and is able to get me in asap, if not then I will be carried once again on an airplane to my next doctor on the list hoping for an answer. I have a really good feeling about the Cleveland Clinic, and I know they have already told me my situation is an emergency case. I realized a long time ago my life will never be the same, it will never be 6 days of exercise for 2-3 hours a day, riding a bike 150 miles a week, lifting weight twice a week and doing kick boxing 3 times a week....I never thought I could give those things up because they had become such a big part of my life, now I realize my Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me, I'm still not sure what it is, but I want to be the instrument He expects me to be. The way I will accomplish whatever it is I need to get my body healthy again, and I will. I always seem to forge forward, and I;m able to do it with the FAITH HOPE AND PRAYERS of all my friends and family. Without them I would not be able to accomplish any of my goals, I don't ever want to let people down or be less than I know I can be, that's just who I am. Because my life has been spared so many times, it tells me I have more to learn. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, Heavenly Father is not just going to throw us out to the lions and not have a plan for us--still there are times when I feel like there is nothing I can do but rely on Him, friends and family to pray for me. I agreed to come to earth and take a body, and that earth life would be a difficult task at times, I believe when Heavenly Father sees our pain it must hurt him, because He can take it all away, however, if he does that we will not grow and learn and share with others. My prayer for tonight is to help me sleep, even if I have to cry myself to sleep. I will wake up in the morning prepared for a good plan from my doctors. Tomorrow will be a good day, one day closer to feeling the sunshine on my face again.