Monday, July 19, 2010

Live and die with no Regrets

I will be seeing Dr. Kreymerman on Wednesday. I asked Tamy if she would mind going with me, she seems to be able to calm me down when I have my anxiety and she is comfortable with Dr. Kreymerman and his staff. I feel much better about the trip out to the Phoenix Hospital knowing she will be with me, besides going to lunch afterward is a huge highlight of my week.
I've heard people say when someone is struck by a sudden heart attack or someone who dies in their sleep "it was a good way to go" and maybe it is, however it's an end that leaves us without any chances for preparation, exchanges of feelings, or an occasion to get closure on an incomplete relationship. I don't want this for myself, no matter what I end up dying from, I want to be able to take time with my family and friends.
Today the word "cancer" is no longer a death sentence for everyone it strikes. But it does suggest it's shadow. To so many patients including me, this dark cloud of cancer in my life has given me time to think about my life.  What I want to do with it, how I want to spend the rest of it. It's the time to begin living in such a way that the day I do die, I can look back with dignity and integrity. On that day I want to say farewell with a feeling of peace, with no regrets. I have had the wonderful opportunity to meet cancer survivors that are realistic, who know the odds of survival but who are positive and have made great changes in their lives, for these people I have noticed that they have lived far beyond what the statistics or doctors have told them they would. For me there has been a fear of unfinished stories. The best way to prepare for our final farewell is to make one last try while you can. Write the poem you've always wanted to write, take a trip you've dreamed of, spend QUALITY time with the ones you love, finally, truly forgive those who have offended you. I think it would be easier to forgive our own imperfections if we did this.
The fact is when we turn the page to a new life we leave behind some old habits and begin looking to our future with eyes wide open and a heart full of love and appreciation far beyond what we ever thought we could.
Yes, it is true I may die earlier than I could of forseen, but is also possible that I'll live much longer, Whatever happens, I'm going to live my life as well as I can, for me it's the only way to prepare for whatever happens.


Anonymous said...

I love this. No matter what, We ALL need to look at our lives and make the changes necessary so that we can say we lived our best life, whatever our circumstances may have been.
Again, you amaze me....


Marilyn said...

Living well...despite what life deals us, is the only answer to so many challenges in life.

You have been amazing throughout this entire process....the abscence of "whine" in your life is so impressive. You have embraced this experience...the good, the bad and the ugly (although you have made the ugly beautiful).....and have come out on the other side with such growth.

I know it is not over yet....but you are seeing the light at the end of the no matter what...YOU HAVE MADE IT!!! ....and that is what's important!

Linda Bennett said...

Beautifully said Monya. Because you've been so honest with your feelings, we can all learn from your experiences. Your life changing moments ate changing my life as well. Thanks so much for sharing.