Thursday, July 15, 2010


WOW it is 2:00 am and I can't sleep. My mind is racing, I'm thinking about Blake, Haleigh in Utah, my next surgery, seeing Doctor Kreymerman this next week. My house is so quiet but my ears are ringing so loud, not sure what that's all about. I feel so tired but cannot sleep, in fact I am exhausted.
Today I went out to the Mayo Scottsdale Campus to pick up a letter from Doctor Northfelt. I called him and asked if it was ok for me to return to work, he wrote me a letter to give to USAIRWAYS, if all goes as I want it to I will be returning to work on July 26th, he is allowing me to return part time until my next surgery. I have not been working since June of last year, so back to training I will go. I have some anxiety about returning, but I feel like it may help me to get past some of the thoughts and feelings I am dealing with right now. Anxiety is a word I never really had in my vocabulary a year ago and i now i feel like it is a regular question asked by each doctor I see "how are you dealing with your anxiety?" or "I hope you understand that all cancer patients end up with anxiety" " do we need to write you a prescription for your anxiety?" I think of all the symptoms I've been left with I despise the anxiety the most, it comes on so suddenly, I try to not think about the villain but it is next to impossible, I seriously put it to a test everyday saying "ok for one minute, right now, I am not going to think about it" looking at the clock waiting, waiting doing good 30 seconds passes.... BOOM there it is. I've tried relaxation cd's, praying, reading, exercising nothing seems to help. I know it is normal, but I don't want to be a normal cancer patient ... ha ha I wish. On my way to the Mayo today, I could hardly breathe I had to pull over and say a prayer, then just walking into the building made me sick to my stomach. I don't know why I get that reaction sometimes at the Mayo, it has been such a great blessing in my life and so much of my healing has come to me in that buidling, physically and spiritually. I love all my doctors and the nurses and staff have been wonderful, but the smell and fear I get when I enter alone is unbearable sometimes.
Well, for now I will not even try to understand it all, I'm off to bed I still need to read from Preach My Gospel tonight.


Michelle said...

I love your vacation pictures. The beach and Park City! What a perfect combination. And with cute kids and grandkids. My Dad loved the Mayo too for his treatments (Leukemia) and he has been in remission for 2 years but he too gets the same way in hospitals. He tried to come visit McKay in the hospital but it was too hard and he had to leave. I bet writing and sharing your feelings helps. I love how you utilize the best "tools" :)(Preach my gospel...).
p.s. Jessica took your advice and started a blog!