Learning about Lymphedema

Yesterday I went to my physical therapy appointment, it was insightful and I learned alot about how breast VILLAIN patients can get lymphodema. I asked what time frame I am looking at to expect it, if it is to come. I was told that as long as you don't have lymph nodes you can get it. So even if you are free from the VILLAIN for 20 years you can still get it, it actually has nothing to do with the VILLAIN, and there is not much you can do to prevent it, some people get it some people don't. I can start my exercises as soon as I get the last drain out.
Today, I went to see my oncology surgeon Dr. Pockji for the last time, she took out my drain and said everything looks good as far as the cosmetics of it. This is interesting since I look at myself and think I look like a "experimental Frankenstein patient" Every time I look at myself in the mirror, I am sad and wonder if I will ever get used to it.
I told Dr. Pockji thank you so much for the compassion she showed me at the hospital and for her confidence and positive, yet REAL attitude. I do much better with the straight forward truth, as she was really great for my personality. I was sad to say good-bye to her, but hope I don't ever need to see her again, since she is a breast VILLAIN doctor.

Blessings

It's Sunday, I love Sunday's but today I will be taking the sacrament from my bed.
I can't stand up and bear my testimony in sacrament, but I can do it from my bed. I feel like I have so much to be grateful for. The Lord has truly blessed me and recognizing those blessings is sometimes hard to do when you are in the fast world that we all live in. My world has in so many ways slowed way down and allowed me to reflect about the things in my life that mean the most and to recognize so many blessings the Lord has granted to my family. This process and journey that I am going through is refining me, refining my marriage and hopefully showing my children that through faith in Heavenly Father even in trials, hard trials, he is with you he will comfort and bless you.
How nice it would be if we always made the right choices in our life, if we were kind to others and shared what we have with others like the Savior did, then we could be free from hard times or trials in our life. I remember thinking earlier in my life, when I was facing an agonizing trial, "this is it, this is my lifelong trial" and of course because this trial was not my fault and was brought on because of the choices of other people I will be blessed for the rest of my life and not be given any other trials because I have had to endure this BIG one. NOT TRUE.... the Lord loves me so much and wants me to live with him again someday that he is reassuring me with each trial that I grow and learn something from it, so I can teach my family about eternal life and staying close to the spirit, close enough to know when I am being taught and when I need to teach.
So as I pray, listen then learn I see blessings in my life that have been here all along but I didn't recognize. My son's journey the past 2 years, what a trial I thought it was, actually it has been a blessing. Prayers that I thought should of been answered in a different way, I see now the meaning of those answers and understand the Lords hand in them. I wanted to continue to train for a marathon and ignore the doctors advice to get a hysterectomy, I now see that as a blessing. If I had not gone to the doctor I would not have found the VILLAIN in my body. The VILLAIN itself is not a blessing, but because I have the VILLAIN I am able to be more receptive to the spirit, I pray more intently and wait and listen for answers a little longer than I have ever before. I love life, and want to live it to the fullest, I want to thank Heavenly Father for every breath I take and everyday I get to spend with the family I am going to be with forever. Yes, blessings sometimes come in ways we never thought we could handle, but they are what they are...blessings!!

Trying to Cope

I spent the night in the hospital Monday night and came home on Tuesday. The drugs take a tole on my body, I am not used to not having full control so it makes me nervous. I do believe that I have the best husband in the entire world, he has been taking good care of my needs. Eric finally went to the doctor yesterday (I have been trying to get him there for 3 weeks) he has some fluid on his knee that is really giving him some pain. He was given some anti inflammatory and told that he either tore or bruised some cartilage, he never complains but he is sure limping on it so I know it must hurt. All the while attending to me. This is what Eternal Love is about, I tell my girls all the time that I hope they marry someone as wonderful to them as Eric has been to me.
Since the last surgery I am having a hard time using my right arm, lifting it is really difficult since they took out all the lymph nodes. Don't take for granted being able to wash your own hair, blow dry your own hair, put on your make up, reach for anything that is above your waste line or sleep on your side. I miss not being able to attend the Temple, knowing that when this all gets a little better I can go again gives me strength and more incentive to do exactly what the doctors tell me to do. I will be starting physical therapy on Tuesday at the Mayo to help with the use of the right arm. Today I am going to see Dr. Peter Kreymerman and hopefully he will take out 2 of the drains, they are annoying. I still get emotional when I think about my life and the turn it has taken, last night when I had some quiet time alone to think about it I cried, but I always go back to the scriptures or prayer to bring me back to a spiritual place so that I can cope. I know the Lord knows me and that he is aware of me, and I also know it's ok for me to cry once in awhile.

Dreams Do Come True

The past 2 days has been so nice to be home and spend with my family and close friends. I watched conference and was so touched by alot of the talks given. Yesterday I was listening to Elder Bednar's talk and became deeply emotional and touched. We have always been a family that expresses our love for eachother, my children love eachother and are best friends. Blake has always told his sisters everyday at least once a day that he loves them, and they with him. Eric and I have always told our children probably too much everyday how much we love them. Never a phone call ends or someone walks out the door without expressions of love being announced. I was grateful while listening to the talk that we have always been so free with our expressions to eachother. However, when he started talking about expressing our testimonies I wondered if I did that enough? Do they know how much I love the gospel? I wondered if my children saw me read my scriptures enough? I like to study when no one is home. We tried to always kneel for family prayer, and have morning scripture study but I'm afraid we fell short sometimes. Do they know that I kneel and pray morning and night, I have a strong testimony of prayer and know that Heavenly Father answers I have truly seen miracles happen in my family because of prayer so I think that they know. I immediately wrote a letter to Blake and let him know how much I love him. I hope he can feel the blessings that are pouring into our home because of his service. I love that I can watch conference and at the same time twice a year I know my missionary son is doing the same thing at the same time, how great is that?
Have you ever been so deep in a dream that when you wake up it kinda is sad, because you wish it were real? I did that this morning, I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep so badly. I was dreaming about a time when all my children were little, we were at the park feeding the ducks. Kayla was so cute and little in her pigtails and overalls, she was holding Kaitlyn's hand, of course Kaitlyn's hair was white and all over the place but she was so happy. I was holding Haleigh on my lap, and she and I were throwing bread pieces to the birds. Blake came running up to me and said "mom, when I go on a mission someday I want to go to Disneyland!" I laughed and said "you want a Disney mission huh?" he gave me his little boy grin and as he walked off into the sunset he was grown wearing his missionary suit, saying goodbye to me in spanish. When I woke up with tears in my eyes I thanked Heavenly Father 1st for letting me have this incredible dream and 2nd for the Miracle of Families, and that I know through this gospel of Jesus Christ we will be a family forever.
Tomorrow I am off to the Mayo Clinic for round 2, and it makes me sick right now to think of it. Please if anyone is reading this and you believe in the power of prayer, pray for my son as a missionary that he will be comforted and blessed during this time.

Home is where my heart will always be

I wanted so badly to journal while I was in the hospital but I was pretty out of it and feared that I would write something that did not reflect my true emotions or feelings. Tuesday we got to to the Mayo checked in at 7:30 am and I think I was back in my room by 10:00 or 10:30 pm. It was a long day for my husband and family as they waited to hear the news from Dr Pockji and Dr Kreymerman. They gave great news that the surgery was successful and Dr Pockji told Eric that that they were 70%-80% sure the lymph nodes were clear. Eric was so excited when he was told that I would have to either have chemo or hormonal therapy, NO RADIATION.

Wednesday was a tough day for pain, the narcotics in my body were so foreign and I didn't like how I felt at all by that night I asked them to take me off the nerve block and all narcotics, I could not believe what a difference it made once those meds wore off.

Thursday started off being much better I was now on less evasive drugs to control the pain and I felt like a new person. I was able to walk around with the help of my husband and slowly they started to take out needles and one at a time be free from wires and tubes flowing into my body. Dr Pockji came into my room with another surgeon and she sat next to my bed and told me the Lymph nodes were POSITIVE for CANCER. What? This cannot be, we were so sure the worst part was over. It took me back to the day when I was 1st told the VILLAIN was in my breast, I was shocked and unable to respond. I looked over at Eric and he started to cry, Dr Pockji was very compassionate as she told us that on Monday I will return to surgery and have all the lymph nodes removed and a port put in the right side so that chemo would be easier for me. She explained that they were so sure they were clear but that as they dissected them they were able to see several nodes with positive results. She said that we will be aggressive with Chemo and Radiation. Later when Dr Kreymerman came in ( I love him ) he was so sweet and showed deep concern for me as he told me how sorry he was for the news. He also told me that there is a chance the procedure he did may not take because of the radiation, this we will not know until later when we see how the radiation affects my breasts. This is a long process and I will not be having radiation for another year, if it does not take after the radiation I will require another surgery. I just want to go home, I asked the Dr if it was ok for me to go home for a couple of days and enjoy 2 days without the smells and sounds of the depressing hospital room. She agreed it would be a good idea. Eric and I decided the most important thing right now was to get a note to Blake in the MTC and let him know about the surgery on Monday and to let him know we are so proud of him and that we are feeling his constant spirit with us and that this is going to be OK, we have the best Dr's on my team and we will still fight it and win. I don't want anything negative to get back to Blake, he is enjoying the MTC and has been put in the Advanced Spanish class, the blessings he is receiving are overwhelming, I want him to continue to have a great experience and do the work he was called to do without worrying about what is going on at home. So we wrote him a letter and I am sure the Lord will comfort him and bless him while he is away from us, bless his heart I love him so much it must be difficult for him, but he would never admit it.

Friday, I came home. Holding Eric's hand, and crying off and on the entire way. I know what this means no one needs to tell me how hard it is going to be, but I have so much to fight for and I have so much more in this life to do, so kicking and screaming the whole way I will WIN this battle eventually.

Becareful what you wish for...

Those of you who know me well, know that I can be quite a jokester. Growing up I never had any boobs, and I don't remember really wishing that I had them either, I think I was good with what I was given. Then after I had children..vavoom out came the sisters in full bloom, and I did not like it at all. I have often been asked if I had implants, or "what Dr. did your boob job" I am always taken back when I hear someone say that because just for the record I DO NOT HAVE IMPLANTS...and I myself have said many times I wish I could get my boobs cut off. Of course my husband was always in opposition of that idea, and we knew it was a joke, but now as I am being faced with what used to be a joke...becoming a reality, I'm scared. In just a few hours most of my femininity will be taken from me, forever, never to return, the other part of it will be taken from me in another surgery a few months from now. My bishop and husband gave me a beautiful blessing tonight and I appreciated every word of it. But the bottom line is that my breasts are being removed tomorrow, not by my choice, but the VILLAIN has decided it for me. I trust the Doctor will be skillful that she knows what she is doing, that is not the problem the problem is me, how do I fix this feeling I have inside of me that a part of my womanhood is being taken from me? How will my husband look at me after? Can I even let him look at me? How long will it take for me to look at me? I try not be a vain woman, but I admit I want to look pretty to my husband. It's hard for me to go to bed tonight, I know when I wake up its time to go to the MAYO Hospital and face my VILLAIN. I'm not ready yet, I still have some housework to do and still have some wedding plans to get done. Last night I had a very bad panic attack at my sisters house, the reality of all of this is becoming hard for me to handle. Tonight I read the 1st letter from my Son Blake, he is in the MTC preparing to serve in the Dominican Republic. He is studying so hard to learn the language, he only got 2 hours sleep one night because he wanted to study. He sent me the most beautiful letter and testimony in Spanish, as I read his words it calms me and makes feel better about what I am going to do tomorrow, he has so much faith and on these days when I am feeling like my well needs to be filled, the people in my ward fill it up with words of encouragement and gifts of Love, Blake's faith will fill the gaps where I need it, and I know for a fact the Lord will pick my up and carry me when I cannot do it myself. I pray tonight that the Lord will strengthen me tomorrow as I face this sudden and awful journey I am starting, I have always told my kids that it's not the start of the race that is important, it's the finish that is most important.
And I plan on finishing this race in first place.

Time to Cut the Strings..Off to the MTC

Every LDS mother who has a son, will have this to look forward to, or has already felt what I am about to journal about. From the time our son's are born we hold them in our arms and dream of the day when they will serve a mission for the Lord. Well I did anyway, we teach them all about the Book of Mormon by reading from it regularly, we take them to church every Sunday and teach them to be reverent, the 1st time they give a talk in Primary we watch intently hoping they will not cry or laugh in the microphone, so proud was I when Blake became a deacon at age 12, I worried that he would never physically grow (he was the shortest deacon for years)
And when he received his Eagle Scout award his dad and I were there to support him. When Blake turned 16 I was the one to take him for his drivers license, and the 1st date we watched as he left the house and worried that he would make good choices, be respectful and get home on time.
Still all the time we had family prayer together and tried hard to always have our scripture study. There were a few years that we did not think we were asking the right questions or listening enough when we prayed, for us the age of 19 came and went for Blake. The day he told us that he was not sure he wanted to serve a mission, just about broke my heart. I prayed and asked why? When those answers did not come, I prayed that HE would understand why? Two years have passed since that day when he told us that he did not want to go on a mission, and since that time Eric and I have had many tears fall from our eyes, many times I have sat at the Temple pleading with the Lord to soften his heart, and to help me to know how to help my son. The Lord truly does listen and answer prayers, I have taken for granted the GIFT that is given to us after baptism, THE GIFT OF THE HOLY GHOST. It is a powerful GIFT that sometimes I did not listen to, that sometimes I still don't always listen to, I'm learning, just as my Son is learning. Yesterday, I dropped him off (curbside) at the MTC in Provo. I had promised him I would not cry, and I did so well, until......he walked away, I saw my little boy walk into the MTC just like I had dreamed all those years ago, however this dream I finally realized had to be HIS not mine. I cried all the way back to Salt Lake City, sobbing, not really for any other reason but that I had seen a miracle happen in his life, I felt the Holy Ghost and knew it was touching him also. I told him the night he was set apart as a full time Missionary that the Lord will take much better care of him the next 2 years than I ever could. So.....my son leaves for his mission at age 21 still my little boy, but will come home a man, with more faith than he ever thought he could have.

Can I Endure it Well?

It's so weird how life goes on around me, people can be talking to me and I don't hear a word they say sometimes. I look in the eyes of woman as they pass me in crowded places like Walmart or the Mall, and I wonder how many of these women have the VILLAIN growing in them. Random thoughts like this one go through my head and I have to stop myself and think about all the people who are going through other trials in their lives that are so much worse than mine. Today I was thinking about other trials I have had to endure in my life, what did I learn from them? Is this new trial because I did not learn something? or is it a new chapter in my life, a new learning experience meant to expand my mind and widen my strength in the Lord? I do know that trying to comprehend why trials are put in our path, is like trying to fully understand the undying, unconditional Love our Heavenly Father has for each one of his children. I have tried many times to understand that Love, the only thing that comes close is knowing the Love that I have for my own children, I would do anything for their happiness to be never ending. However, in life we are all given bumps along the way that take us in paths that make us question what we really do KNOW. A quote by Elder Neal Maxwell "Rather than simply passing through trials, we must allow trials to pass through us in ways that sanctify us." I read this and have been trying to comprehend the meaning of it for days now. It's simply put, yet it has such depth and my little brain takes awhile to absorb it, and process it all.
How can I be sanctified as I allow this trial to pass through me? When will the cleansing come? I know how I react to trials, when I have gone through other trials I tend to leave people out, shut down, my brain can only hold what I need to process, not what anyone else thinks I need to know. I don't want to be that person, I want to endure this trial well, with dignity and strength. I find myself not always listening to the promptings of the spirit, because I am afraid of the path it is going to take me down. I am trying so hard to listen and learn, but fall short so many times in my efforts. I am learning that the Love that Jesus has for each one of his children is astonishing. I am learning more of his meekness and lowliness, as I read about the suffering he went through, being spit on, given vinegar to drink, persecuted and made fun of, I have come to the conclusion that it is selfish for us to think that we could go through this life without any trials or pain and then expect to stand before him and live with him forever without going through similar experiences.

God Loves Broken Things

My heart is full, today was Blakes farewell. I wondered as I listened to him speak about the restoration if he really understands the impact that he can have on others lives as he serves the Lord with all his heart. The Testimony of Joseph Smith will be one of the 1st conversions each missionary receives, for without believing in Joseph Smith and the work he did a person cannot go forward with any other beliefs of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He truly was a servant of the Lord and I have testimony of the work he did and Praise him as the man who restored the Church, his prayers were answered and they changed the world, he was faithful to the end, he sealed his testimony with his life. Now because of that blessed mighty servant the gospel is spread throughtout the world, He was a Prophet and Seer, this I know is true. Joseph Smith served the Lord until his last breath.
I wonder if any of us knew how much time we had left to serve the Lord what would we do? Do we live it all with no regrets? I think for those who are dedicated to the Lord and want to live with him again someday that we love until our final breath, we do our best to share and serve others with all our hearts. We constantly find ways to make today better than yesterday. Even when there is so much pain that seems to last, but I feel like if I can give it to the Lord and not Look back, will I have learned something from it. What will the Lord say when my time has come, will he take me in his arms and say "well done?" for every missionary who serves faithfully for 2 years with no regrets I believe he will take them in his arms and say "well done though good and faithfull servant, you have served me well"
I have seen miracles happen in my family, with broken hearts set free, I believe, at least in my family that God loves broken things. Today as I watch my son and know the walls he has climbed and the sacrifices he has made to be worthy to stand and bare testimony, I thank you Heavenly Father for hearing my prayers, for answering Blakes prayers when he begged and pleaded for help. Yes I believe in miracles and I certainly believe God loves broken things.

Surgery on the Calender

I had a wonderful time in Pinetop with the Brown Family. Mysti is such a great friend and I love her dearly, we have truly been through some memorable times with our children. Her son Wyley has been Blakes awesome friend for years, I love Wyley and know that he will someday be a terrific daddy, Wyley is sweet and kind to his sisters and cousins, just like his own dad, they like to come across tough and mean but actually would do anything for anyone at any given time, both have a spirit of compassion for other people. Taylor is beautiful inside and out, she has a strong testimony and will never compromise herself or settle for anything less than a Temple Marriage to a man who can not only take her to the Temple but who will take her to the Celestial Kingdom. Madison, like any other girl her age is trying to find her way in this crazy world. She too is extremely beautiful and through experiences in her own life will never settle for anyone but the best for her eternal companion. I love Maddy for who she is. Bryton, what can I say about B? Her smile lights up the room, her funny, honest whit makes you say "UM....she is right" you can't get anything past her, she has been asking me to rub her inner arm to put her to sleep for years and until just recently I found out why, I asked Eric to do that for me one night and it put me to sleep, love you B. Ivy, the baby of the family, although not so little any more she innocent and beautiful the type of innocence you want to bottle up and keep forever. I love them all, they are a fantastic family trying so hard like the rest of us to be an eternal family. The weather at the cabin was beautiful, I tried so hard not to think about the VILLAIN..but I admit once in awhile I did. Sunday when we went to church, I was overwhelmed by the Spirit during the opening song, I feel my Saviors Love so close to me that sometimes it just bubbles up in my eyes. I had no intention of bearing testimony especially since this is not my home ward and I hate to take time from other people. It felt comfortable to me though, and I knew I was supposed to be there, at that moment doing what I was supposed to do, bear testimony. I love that I can process everything I am feeling hear on this blog and to some of you it may not make a bit of sense, but to me I know someday I will look back read it and it will all make sense.
The surgery is Scheduled for September 29th, 7:30 am check in. I have been trying to keep that day out of my mind, I am scared, but no time for that this week. This week I will have all my children home, whoop hoo, Blake's farewell is on Sunday, I am so excited to hear him speak, (I wonder if he is prepared) OK that's the mom coming out in me. I am also working hard on getting the wedding plans done before my surgery. All I have left is this:
1. rent a dance floor
2. find someone to do the announcement cards
3. get the fabric for the table clothes
4. cant think of it right now but I'm sure there is more than 3 things left on my list.