Saturday, November 16, 2013

This is who I am

I have received many emails, gifts, cards and text messages full of encouragement and support--they have come from the people I respect and love so much--thank you.  Michelle, I am listening to the CD you gave me from Josh--as I write--thank you Mallory and Michelle for dropping that off.

My sisters do not have blogs to follow and honestly would not have posted much or anything close to what I have done---not sure if that is a good thing or bad, all I know is that I have always throughout my life handled trials, hardships, and life events differently than they have, and it's OK.

One thing that has bonded us together as sisters is knowing we have each others back, we will fight to then end for one another and love one another unconditionally.  I received a text from a friend recently thanking me for my honesty on my blog, my heart swelled up out of my eyes and down my cheeks. (thank you TS)  I have been questioning myself about all of my HONESTY and FORTHCOMING, when it comes to my personal life and what I post on this blog.  Is it the right thing to do?  Would others do it the same? Why do I feel comfort here? Why has blogging become such a therapeutic release for me? I'm not sure of any answers to those questions, I have always been a journal writer. I have notebooks full of journaling I have done throughout my life, there are some years missing--and in those years I realize it is because I was told once to only write what I WANTED to remember--I don't agree with this philosophy now, even though I followed it for so many years. I believe in journaling all of life's events good or bad--I want to have a place to go back and remember, and then look at how far I have come, sometimes I take time to read old posts and I cannot believe I did this or that..the road has weaved in and out of clear view, but there is one thing I know for sure HE will and has picked up the pieces for me along those winding roads, there has been bittersweet times where he has taken it all off my shoulders and those moments have become beautiful moments of truth that otherwise I may have forgotten. Just as a side note, I have many posts that I have saved as drafts, knowing those parts of my life I don't want exposed, but want recorded for posterity purposes.

This blog is sacred to me, it's who I am, it's a place I can "find me" in places I never thought or imagined I could go.  I have throughout my life tried to find a place out of the darkness and into the light, and this is my place--it is a real, sometimes a raw place where I can go quietly and find myself again--the real authentic me-where my heart is.  I am sorry if I have offended you, or shocked you with some of my posts--I am for once in my life living free, and I will not go backwards--Only the Lord knows my heart, HE knows me and I will, in this respect, never change.

Being vulnerable is one of the weaknesses I have, and here I can truly be who I am.  So many times I have closed the door on places I could of gone and learned so much, oh how I wish  the Lord would of forced me to open those doors, but HE never forces us to do anything, HE is on the other side of that door if we will do our part and just open it.  I always carry a note book with me and write down things that are weird, funny and made some type of impression on me, then I choose what I decide is appropriate to share on this blog, remember what you think is appropriate may not be what my real authentic self is....we all have a different journey, and for me this is how I deal with it.