Dear Mom

Today is Sunday November 17th

 Last night I barely slept my hip pain is getting worse, I just barely had a cortisone shot a month ago--When I spoke to the Oncologist last week, she said I need to get more tests done--YAY more tests--(sarcasm)  Also the tumor in my head is bleeding out through my ear, I constantly have to change the cotton ball--I didn't want to go to church today, in thinking about it I received an email from my dear friend Carla Kelly, telling me her husband was speaking in church, I invited her to sit with me.  The meeting today was beautiful, I loved all the talks revolving around President Monson's talk on adversity in our lives--endure to the end.  Carla and her Husband lost a son 2 years ago, it has been a difficult time for them, probably a wrenching pain I don't understand since I have never lost a child. But I do remember how hard it was on my mom when she lost her son Lance at age 15.  I've decided it's not about the trial or adversity we endure, it's about how strong we are to endure those times.  We can embrace those storms, and come out on the other end a better person having been through it, or we can become cold, hard hearted and let it destroy not only our lives but the ones we love the most, our family.

Mom on Halloween 2013

I know the Lord knows where my hidden places are and HE will find me there, bring me into the light again and pull me up from the scrapes, bruises and wounds I feel--HE will heal me.
If I am 100% pure and honest, I am afraid of going to the Funeral, there were many people from the West Stake area where I grew up, who when hearing bits and pieces of our lives years ago, did not believe this could be true--I'm nervous about seeing any of them. I'm hoping this can be put to rest, I'm wanting my mom to find some peace that for so long she did not have here on earth.  Nothing that happened here on this earth can be changed, I would never change any of it, even as hard as it has been, I prayed for so many years it could and would be different, but I've realized all of the fears and doubts we all go through are OUR OWN JOURNEY, something we chose together with our Heavenly Father before we came to earth.  The faith that I have found in myself during these endless, sleepless nights have changed me.   I've seen the hand of God in my life, I've asked for big and small miracles to happen in my life, some have been granted and most have not.  Not because HE does not love me, but because HE loves me THAT much.  I am living proof that He is REAL, I cannot and will not ever deny that.

If I could talk to my mom today I would say....
 Monday November 18th, 2013

Mom, I want to be healed, I want you to know me, I want you to see the woman you helped create.  Thank you for giving me life, for staying with me all those times I was in the hospital and didn't want to be alone in the dark as a little girl.  Thank you for never saying anything bad about the Belshe family, or my father who put me in the hospital.  Thank you for teaching me how to sew, even if I didn't care for it, thank you for teaching me to bake and love it.  Thank you for not allowing me to drink soda, for giving me a choices between fruit or candy.  Most of all thank you for remaining true to your faith, taking me to church, and helping me to anchor my testimony in Jesus Christ.

I know you have been in pain for years, and I also know this is so bittersweet for you, leaving 3 daughters behind with no earthly resolve,  but being able to go into the arms of Lance,  your only son.  You and I have been wanting the same things, a loving eternal family. I want you to know I KNOW you did the best you knew how to do.

 Today I went to the funeral home and watched as Kris fixed up your hair, you were always so beautiful to me.  I've  heard it said "time heals all wounds" I know time cannot stand still, life goes on and things get easier, but for some reason I want you to know not a day has gone by since Lance died that I haven't thought about him, now as I think of him I will always think of you, with a perfect body, no more pain, being able to once again go forward with this next journey of your life, hopefully happy and able to look down on your middle daughter (bonbon) and finally hear the words
I LOVE YOU MOM.  I have you to thank for the tears running down my cheeks, but now its time to wipe those away once and for all.

 There has been a hole in my heart for too many years, now its time to release that pain,  reclaim the parts of my life that I have struggled with.  I don't blame you, I forgive you, and this place where we call home, where we call life, is just a passing through place, home is where you are now--no more sorrow or pain--the Lord will take over now and allow you and I both to heal.