Thursday, November 14, 2013

Better not Bitter

-Regina Clara Heath-

I can't sleep tonight, I wonder if it is selfish to ask the Lord to take it all away for now--probably huh?
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the death of my mother, all the fear and doubts I have ever had about myself are all flooding back into my head and I need a release, at least for now.  I can't carry this burden I'm feeling anymore--I have flown on the wings of the angels who have carried me through life's experiences, my soul has been healed by sweet testimonies born by people in my ward, people who have no idea how they have touched my heart.  This has definitely been a ravenous storm I was not prepared to deal with, I honestly thought this was the one place HE knew exactly how I was feeling, I thought HE truly understood that I could not handle this one, just take it away, let me not feel, let me have numbness and let it pass.  I have asked to please just let Sonya and Kris take care of this one--I understood HE was willing to let me take a "get out of jail" card--obviously HE and I are were not on the same page, because this pain is not going away--I'm glad my kids have not seen my pain, for now I just need to cry--oh boy do I need to cry, just get it all out, I know that it is even hard for my Heavenly Father to see, I have to believe he wants to take it all away and HE has the power to do just that, but where is my learning and growing in him doing that?

Sometimes, I am feeling weakness and the heart ache starts to pull me down, no matter how hard I fight it, I know  I agreed with the Lord he could put this beating heart inside me when I came to earth, HE already knew the fullness of that pain and suffering I would feel--I have full knowledge of this proof he has so graciously let me feel--but today I just need to not ask why, or when it will stop, I just need to let it be what it is--I am broken hearted--more than that, I am broken, I have felt joy in my life, so much joy, so much blessings have come to my family, in fact my family is my blessing, but I wonder if at times like this if it is ok to feel the pain, I know it is not going away anytime soon. I just need this time to try and understand once again what I am supposed to learn.  I know for a fact HE will take the pain away, maybe not today, but HE will take it away--like Hillary Weeks says in her song  "just let me cry" Yesterday I was laughing and enjoying my grandson, pure ultimate joy in my heart--within moments that joy was taken away--I want to come away from this better, not bitter--HE knows my heart, HE knows my willingness to give all I have to HIM, until the last tear drops from my face, I will try to have no regrets, I plead with the Lord to not let me feel those regrets, please take those away, carry them away--I can't take those right now.  Tomorrow is a new day, I will rise, kneel in prayer, cry and repeat if I have to, but please NO REGRETS--please let the healing begin, please with all my weaknesses and mistakes let me feel your grace.


Linda Bennett said...

This breaks my heart Monya. I'll be praying for you today. I love you.

Cecile said...

Praying you find peace through closure. It is hardest when someone leaves this earth before we have said or done all we need to say and do. I know you will find peace and a sense of relief from this pain you are in, Heavenly Father loves you and it will come.

Claudia said...


I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I am sorry for the pain it brings you. I will pray for peace and understanding and healing. No matter what the situation is between Mother and daughter, the loss of our mom is,a huge one to handle.

Love ya,