Hip and back pain, back in Dr. Freeman's pain clinic today at Mayo. I love my doctors, he is a good man, they all are. Walking into the hospital gave me uncomfortable feelings of remembrance, being in pain for me has become an issue I won't address unless it get to at least on an 8 on a scale from 0-10. The medicines for pain I despise. When I walked into the hospital today I immediately looked to my left, this is where I watched a woman die while the paramedics tried to save her, and I was jealous, I wished it had been me. I'm not afraid to die, but enjoy life right now too.
|Mayo Clinic "the place"|
|Recovery, drinking my daily routine|
|This is what a dead nerve looks like--and it's mine.|
Going to Cleveland Clinic to see Dr. Gastman was to take a live nerve from my ankle and replace the dead nerve in my head with a good nerve, hoping it will grow together with the nerves on either side. IF this works, we will not see any results for a year, and I will maybe get 30% of facial movement back. If it does not work, they want to cut along my hairline pull my face back and take nerve from my left side of my head and connect it with the one on the right, then wait another year. I'm not sure I want to go through that again. Going back and forth to Cleveland Clinic is difficult for me, not getting results or answers is frustrating, wanting to say "WHY" is realistic on some day's.
Getting to hear for the 1st time in 48 years was fantastic, I heard things I'd never heard before, sounds most people I know take for granted. That first night coming home was one of the most spiritual experiences I've ever had, without a doubt the Lord was smiling down on me along with Colby. What I wasn't prepared for was going to work the next day, ready to share my new exciting news was quickly turned to sadness. Actually hearing what people say about me, it hurt, none of them were saying it to hurt me in fact none of them know I could hear it, and they all were saying it out of love for me--still the sting of truth hurts. Going to the store, watching people quickly look away when we make eye contact I've been able to get used to, but now hearing opinions I am the one looking down and away before eye contact is made. I thought I was going to make new connections and share in the beauty of small sounds, be able to give the gift of not taking for granted, the sound of a pen writing on a piece of paper, or the clicking of the keys on the keyboard as we making reservations, the fact that I could for the first time be able to turn the phone volume down. Instead what I heard was "I feel so sorry for her" "She is so strong" "Have you ever read her blog?" "I don' think her face is ever going to be the same" "She used to have such a beautiful smile" tears ran down my cheeks as I sat and heard these words coming from I'm not sure who, as I am still trying to distinguish where sounds are coming from. We have cubicles where we sit, I quickly wiped my tears so no one could see, and took my BAJA off. I haven't worn it since that day to work.
I will decide where I end up, I'm doing what I can to figure all that out, and until I do I can't wear the BAJA. I pick and choose, and I'm taking it slow, because sitting in this moment right now, I'm feeling things I've never felt before. My heart has never beat so hard in my chest than it has in the times when I've been wearing the BAJA. I feel blessed to know, the people around me are sincerely my friends, they are kind and loving, at least nothing bad was said--just the truth--the truth I was not prepared to hear. Reality is, I need to work on me, on my confidence, get rid of the negative and concentrate on the positive. There's a fire in me that I can never deny, I know He lives and He loves me. It is my faith and my hope over the years that has given me such peace, given me strength to endure and enjoy the sweetness of life. However, I've tasted the truth and my heart will never be the same. That is not necessarily a bad thing, maybe I needed a taste of reality. It's just going to take some time to process what it is He wants me to learn.
|Off of my balcony in my bedroom, the moon|
is beautiful tonight, this picture does
not do justice. It is HUGE, YELLOW and